1 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,199 I've been fully booked all week. 2 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,759 Last guy, he played for Man United. 3 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,959 Who is it? I couldn't possibly say. 4 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,319 Boring. 5 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,319 He's an athlete, Leanne. 6 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,399 And my, oh, my, could you tell. 7 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,719 My God, he was throwing me about all over the place. It was fabulous. 8 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,239 And then at the end of it all, HE paid ME! 9 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,680 Ridiculous, really. 10 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,919 I feel incredible. 11 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,039 You look like a chinchilla. 12 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:56,359 Now, that is sensational. We're getting that. 13 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,519 Oh, it's too expensive, Alma. 14 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,199 Listen, for the first time in my life, I've got money. 15 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:04,079 I can buy what I want, when I want, for who I want. 16 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,559 Let's enjoy it, Leanne. 17 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,079 Woo! 18 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,199 Once you commit to a turban, your whole personality changes. 19 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,159 I feel it. I feel different. Better. 20 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:56,559 I mean, look at me. Look at my posture. I'm like a peacock. 21 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,399 I'm cosmically ordering positivity in this turban. 22 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,759 You look like a sultan. 23 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,759 You look a CEO. Do I?! 24 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,439 You do. 25 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,999 Right, cocktails. But it's not even 12. 26 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,359 I've not had second breakfast yet. Well, call it brunch, then. Fine. 27 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,319 Acting lessons. 28 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:14,839 Thanks. 29 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,719 Alma! Ooh! 30 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,319 Bolton Acting School. It's a sign. 31 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,239 It's the turban! Right, let's check it out. 32 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,919 You don't think we're a bit overdressed? No, I do not. 33 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,040 If anything, I think we're underdressed. 34 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:31,999 And that's why, class, you should never say yes 35 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,800 to a sex scene before you've read the full script. 36 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,199 Thanks for sharing, Lesley. 37 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,199 You can sit down now, love. 38 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,959 Can you sit? 39 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,439 Well done. 40 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,519 Yeah, er, can I help? Yeah, I saw your sign outside. 41 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:51,959 I want to be an actress. 42 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,079 Ah, no, big mistake. 43 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,999 We're not doing a panto this year. 44 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,359 No, I want to be... a serious actress. 45 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,959 Oh, right, yeah. I can, yeah... 46 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,319 Just you? Yeah. Not the two? 47 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,959 Only there's a lot going on there, in't there? 48 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,440 Damn right there is. 49 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,279 Well, you've come to the reet place, cocker. 50 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:14,639 Yeah. Creme de la creme of acting training, this. Fabulous. Yeah. 51 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,199 We've had them all here. Haven't we? 52 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,120 We had, er, Paddy McGuinness. 53 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,280 That woman off the Halifax advert. 54 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:24,919 You might recognise Brian - 55 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,520 he played a dead body on Doctors. 56 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:30,080 Right. 57 00:03:30,081 --> 00:03:31,639 All right, Brian, stop showing off. 58 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,959 But it's £100 for five sessions, and you can start Saturday. 59 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,039 Fantastic. Yeah? 60 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,639 Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah! 61 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,359 I'll see you then. Mmm. 62 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,960 Cocktails? Cocktails. Right. 63 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,680 Bit early for that, isn't it? 64 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,319 Do you know, I'm not just shagging people on this job, you know. 65 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,599 I'm actually more of a therapist. 66 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,119 And how do you work that out, then? 67 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,479 I wouldn't share this with Leanne. 68 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,199 She's surprisingly squeamish about the whole thing. 69 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,039 But it's not all glamour and posh hotels. 70 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,439 I'm an awful man! 71 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,359 I can't fuck you! 72 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,759 I can't fuck my wife! 73 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,360 I'm a failure. 74 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,879 A lot of the job is just holding old naked men in your arms 75 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,679 while they cry at midnight. 76 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,159 Don't worry about it, Clive. 77 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,599 You're not the first and you won't be the last. 78 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,159 Very much like going to bed with a raw chicken. 79 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,039 And people have some pretty niche requirements. 80 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,079 You poor, dirty little whore. 81 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,599 Tell me how you coped, you dirty girl. 82 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,559 Your poor family. How did they cope? 83 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,119 There's a lot of thinking on your feet - and off them. 84 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,039 We're on family tax credits? 85 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,959 Yeah, yeah, tell me more. 86 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,039 Er... we ate a lot of Spam. 87 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,519 Ooh, yeah. Did you wash? 88 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,079 What? Did you wash? 89 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,799 Er, no, never, never washed, no. 90 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,639 The same knickers every day. 91 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,359 Oh, I bet you did, you dirty girl. 92 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,119 Did you have electricity? 93 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,239 Oh, no, no, no electricity, no. 94 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,399 Just candles. Ooh, yeah. 95 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,359 Yeah, yeah, I was a poor, dirty girl 96 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,479 who ate a lot of Spam in candlelight. 97 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,839 What's THAT look about? 98 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,959 I just worry about you. 99 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,879 You've had a difficult upbringing, 100 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,559 a bad break-up with a toxic prick, and now you're a... 101 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,960 prostitute. 102 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,999 What's my childhood got to do with it? 103 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,639 Why do people always psychoanalyse sex workers 104 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,559 and question how empowered they are? Do you know we don't do it 105 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,519 to anybody else in any other profession? 106 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,639 You don't go into a telesales office, do you, 107 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,759 and go, "Ooh, Sue on the phones - is she empowered 108 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,839 "or is she just loudly selling carpets 109 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,559 "cos she's a middle child?" 110 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,319 I tell you what, money is empowering, Leanne. 111 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:45,560 Money. 112 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:51,039 Hey! I invited Chris. Sorry, I forgot to tell you. 113 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,239 This is supposed to be our day. 114 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,800 Well, we've had all morning, and I really want you to get to know him. 115 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,520 Hey, Alma. Hey, gorgeous. 116 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,640 She met this one on jury duty. 117 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,279 She usually finds an excuse to dump a bloke after the first week. 118 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,399 He's got a blog. 119 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,639 His chin's too small. 120 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,799 He likes to cuddle after sex. 121 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,359 But it's been three weeks now, 122 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,919 and he still seems to be wearing my mate's face like an oxygen mask. 123 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,999 They've started speaking in we's instead of I's. 124 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,079 Hey! We're cooking a stew tonight - why don't you join us? 125 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,279 No, ta. 126 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,519 I refuse to become some sort of weird pet 127 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,639 in this sickly arrangement. 128 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,240 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 129 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,399 Oh! 130 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,079 It's fabulous. 131 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,519 Ruby. Oh! 132 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,199 Oh, God. Sorry! 133 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,879 It's Phil. Hello. 134 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,759 These are very nice cushions. 135 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,119 Yeah. Yeah. They are, aren't they? 136 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,040 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 137 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,519 The sort of cushions you'd expect to find 138 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,439 in a really plush Parisian brothel. 139 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,400 Is that right? Well, I'll take your word for that. 140 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,559 I've always enjoyed the decor in here. 141 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,999 It's almost arrogant, isn't it? It IS arrogant, yeah. 142 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,719 Cushions at the bar, 143 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,439 doorman who looks like a tree. 144 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,359 Yeah. Yeah, he does. 145 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,159 I think that's the great thing about having money, though, isn't it? 146 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,119 If you want to dress someone up like a tree, 147 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,599 you're not mentally ill, you're forward-thinking. 148 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,039 Yeah. 149 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,959 I mean, that was the kind of foolish thing I did. Really? Yeah. 150 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,840 I'm a very indulgent man. Mmm, I gathered. 151 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,039 So what's the maddest thing you've ever bought, then? 152 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,240 Apart from me. 153 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,479 Well, I once spent 40 grand on a painting of a very sad-looking dog. 154 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,880 Fucking hell. Why? It just spoke to me. 155 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:58,319 Yeah, I actually put it up in my office, and I had to take it down. 156 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,999 It was too sad. Had to put it in the attic. 157 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,359 I bet the dog's even MORE sad up there. 158 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,720 Yeah. 159 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,240 Yeah, I'll bet she is. 160 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,959 Would you like some champagne? I... I'd love some. 161 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,319 Yeah. Yeah? Well, let's do champagne. 162 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,119 Oh, my God. 163 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,399 That was... That was tremendous. 164 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,679 I mean, you're quite something. 165 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,760 You're not so bad yourself, Phil. 166 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,119 I wonder if perhaps I could, er, 167 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,119 I could book you every night this week. 168 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,599 I'm serious. What? Yeah. 169 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,159 Really? Yeah. 170 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,599 No! 171 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,279 Oh... I mean, yeah. 172 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,999 I mean, sure. 173 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,599 Can I get your private number? Er... 174 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,879 I don't want to get you into trouble or anything, 175 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,399 but just, I mean, you are amazing. And I just... 176 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,560 I just want to send you a cheeky text from time to time, huh? Oh... 177 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,799 Yeah, all right, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, that would be nice, actually, yeah. 178 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,679 Let's have champagne. Yeah? Yeah. 179 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,199 Woo! 180 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,359 Oh, shit. I'm supposed to go to my mate's for tea tonight. 181 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,120 She's cooking a stroganoff with her new fella. 182 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,639 Well, just forget that. Yeah? 183 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,039 Let's have some champagne. 184 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,999 Yeah. Fuck it, let's do that. Yeah. 185 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,839 You're not saying hello, then? 186 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,439 I've not got time for hellos, Anthony. 187 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,559 What's with the hat? Are you going to the races or something? 188 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,439 This is how I dress now. 189 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,439 I'm going to much more extravagant and sophisticated places. 190 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,159 These hats are very run-of-the-mill there. 191 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,159 Hey, there is nothing run-of-the-mill about that beast. 192 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,720 Oi! 193 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,400 Who are you going to these fancy places with, then? 194 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,199 His name's Phil. 195 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,519 And he's fabulous. 196 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,640 That was lovely. When you coming back? Soon. Great. 197 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,479 Oooh. Who's that, then? 198 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,440 Daz. Daz? 199 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,039 Like the washing powder? 200 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,639 Oh, he's fabulous. 201 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,959 I've had sex three times this morning, 202 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,879 before Spam. Ugh. No, no, don't try and shame me, Alma. 203 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,799 My body is an instrument of pleasure. 204 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:21,399 I am a sexual violin, and I need to be played. You're not a sexy violin. 205 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,879 You're a 60-odd-year-old grandma with a fungal nail infection. 206 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,039 No, it's gone. 207 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,079 I had a word with it. What? 208 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,479 I spoke to me toe. 209 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,559 Right, so I sat down last Tuesday, put my feet up, 210 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:33,919 and it was looking at me. 211 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,639 So I just said, "Ey, no more trouble from you." 212 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,319 Week later, it's gone. 213 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,639 Right, so it's nothing to do with these, then? 214 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:42,880 Oh... 215 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:48,239 So are you free for a family lunch on Friday? No. Why? 216 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,519 Because I've just defrosted a loaf, and it needs eaten. 217 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,559 Listen, I'm sure your sad little loaf can wait. 218 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,359 I want to take us somewhere fabulous, Grandma. 219 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,399 What you smiling at? 220 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,439 Oh, you're not back with fucklump, are you? No. 221 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,719 I've met someone a lot better, actually. 222 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,559 He's classy, he's fabulous, he's nothing like Anthony. 223 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,079 He took me to the theatre, Grandma. 224 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,719 Ooh! When are we going to meet him, then? 225 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,759 Fuck off. 226 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,999 I don't need YOU telling him 227 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,119 you're a sexy violin who argues with her toes. 228 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,640 Fuck me. 229 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,320 I'm sorry about the other night. 230 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,079 I was with Phil, you see. 231 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,959 I cooked you a lovely meal and you just didn't show up. 232 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,559 Chris thinks you don't like him. I know. Sorry. 233 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,239 The thing about Phil is he's just... He's all-encompassing. 234 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,399 You know, he's not like your average boyfriend. 235 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,239 Alma, can we talk about this later? 236 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,679 I've got 50 fucking salmon rolls to make by noon 237 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,319 because SOMEBODY went on a caterers' awayday 238 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,239 and now we've got sushi on the menu. 239 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,519 It's the modern world, Leanne. I've told you before - adapt or die. 240 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,319 Adapt or die, Leanne! 241 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,320 Fuck you, Bill! Fuck you! 242 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,960 He bought me a dress. 243 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,799 He took me to the theatre, Leanne. 244 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,159 Did you go to the acting class on Saturday? 245 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,520 No, I didn't make that, actually. 246 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:23,639 Why? Phil asked me to stay over, and... we got carried away, and... 247 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,199 So you paid for it and then you sacked it off 248 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:27,639 like you sacked me off. 249 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,439 What's got YOUR knickers in a twist? 250 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,039 The whole point of this job was so you could do good things 251 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,719 with the money, not get pissed in wine bars with old men. 252 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,001 Well, that's not what I'm doing, is it? I'm earning money. 253 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,439 I know what this is. You're jealous. 254 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,719 Of what, Alma? My money, my freedom. 255 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,559 Look at you - covered in fish guts on minimum wage. 256 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,679 I'm enjoying the finer things in life, and you can't handle it. 257 00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,039 The finer things in life? Are you fucking mad? 258 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,919 I've had enough of listening to this deluded waffle. 259 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,839 Phil is not your boyfriend. 260 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,639 Your job is not empowering. It's seedy and it's gross, 261 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,719 and you are fucking mental, Alma. 262 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,319 I can't believe how judgmental you're being. 263 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,599 I thought, of all people, you would understand. 264 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,079 Why the fuck would I understand? 265 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,879 Because you're ALWAYS shagging about. 266 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,559 So that makes me a prostitute?! 267 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,119 Do you know, I don't like you with a boyfriend. 268 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,760 You're a right boring old goat. 269 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,519 Oh! Ugh! 270 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,120 What the fuck? 271 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,959 Fishy bitch! Fuck you, Alma. 272 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,639 Fuck you! What the...? 273 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,799 Oh, get off! Ladies! Stop! 274 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,199 My God! 275 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,079 Leanne, put that fish down! 276 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,359 Alma, back away from the salmon rolls. 277 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:44,960 Fuck me. 278 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,799 Hello, you. Hello. 279 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,359 You look nice. 280 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,359 Yes, I know. I'm feeling fabulous. 281 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:22,199 Phil's taking me out later. Ooh! How are you? 282 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,239 Not sure about this, Alma. Your mum's too odd for a place like this. 283 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,480 Grandma, it's going to be fine. Oh, here she is. 284 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,319 Mum and Jim have this otherworldly quality. 285 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,559 They're sort of like two bemused aliens 286 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,199 that have just crash-landed. 287 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,120 And that's how everyone treats them. 288 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,280 Like an alien threat. 289 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,160 Oh, dear. 290 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:03,039 So, it's a small-plates menu here, 291 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,399 which basically means you pick your own plate 292 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,839 and then we share them all. 293 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,399 Do they not do big plates? I'd rather have me own big plate. 294 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,599 It's like a pick 'n' mix. Yeah, exactly. It's hot in here. 295 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,239 I'm going to have a fag. 296 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,200 I'm not surprised you're hot in that. 297 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,199 It's the height of sophistication, this, Mother. 298 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,039 Scabby Joe got it off the back of a John Lewis truck. 299 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,519 What's that? 300 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,039 My handbag. 301 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,319 It's a lunchbox. 302 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:33,279 Not everybody thinks in boring straight lines like you, Mother. 303 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,039 Hello. 304 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,759 Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to... 305 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,879 And if Mum and Jim are aliens, 306 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,199 I suppose I'm some sort of alien ambassador, 307 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,279 translating between two species. 308 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,439 Don't worry, love, we're all OK here. 309 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,199 So what does everybody fancy? 310 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,399 I think I will be having the Spanish omelette. 311 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,879 I don't eat any egg any more, Alma. 312 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,759 Who wants to eat the unborn child of a depressed hen? 313 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,759 Have you got anything without bits? 314 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,319 What does she...? 315 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,559 What do you mean without bits, Mum? 316 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,839 Something... She can't chew, can she? 317 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,639 I can't chew owt on here either. 318 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,319 When you give birth to a little girl, 319 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,959 you don't imagine they'll be toothless by 40. All right. 320 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,079 I've had my teeth done, Mother. 321 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,879 I've got a Hollywood fucking smile 322 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,999 and it's still not good enough for you. 323 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,559 You can come back in a minute, if you want. 324 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,479 Yeah, you've never done a day's work in your life 325 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,199 and you've got better teeth than all of us. 326 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,399 Well, that's because the Government want to look after me, 327 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,319 which is more than you ever did! 328 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,600 Right, can everybody just calm the fuck down? 329 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,799 Listen, I want us to have a nice family meal in a fabulous place. 330 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,159 Please! Let's not ruin this 331 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,960 by being ourselves. 332 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,519 You can never let me off the hook, can you? 333 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,879 This is exactly like when I was seven years old... Yeah, yeah, yeah. 334 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:55,320 It's all my fault, in't it? 335 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,319 No. Don't you dare. 336 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,679 They fuck you up, your mum and dad... 337 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,519 Not here, Mum. That's not OK. 338 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,599 They may not mean to, but they do. 339 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:11,639 A few years back, Mum started this bizarre tradition 340 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,679 of calling Grandma up on Mother's Day 341 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,679 and reciting Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse. 342 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,799 Can you imagine what that was like for my poor gran, 343 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,679 having to listen to someone 344 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,719 with no teeth recite poetry? 345 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,439 They fill you with the faults they had 346 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,399 And add some extra, just for you, Mother. 347 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,719 Now she does it every time she's pissed off. 348 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,639 She only ever recites the first four sentences. 349 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,279 She never gets to that bit about compassion. 350 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,359 I'm not being spoken to like this. Grandma, come on. 351 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,199 She's embarrassing. I'M not being spoken to like this. 352 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,959 I'm going for a fag. No, I'm going for a fag. 353 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,559 I said I was going for a fag five minutes ago. 354 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,559 No, I'M going for a fag and I'm going to get there before you. 355 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:57,079 I said I was too hot and I wanted to get outside. 356 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:09,799 Sorry. 357 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,399 You know, I'm actually a very indulgent man. 358 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,999 Yeah. 359 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,119 Sorry, I've just got to... Sorry about this. 360 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,719 I've just got to take that. Hello? 361 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,799 Hello, Phil. It's Al.. Ruby. 362 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,400 Hi. Hi! I... I just wondered why you cancelled tonight. 363 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,039 Look, I... 364 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,959 I'm leaving town tonight, I just fancied something... 365 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,319 Sorry... someone new. 366 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,999 Yeah? 367 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,359 But you took my personal number. 368 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,959 Yeah, well, it's just titillation, isn't it? 369 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,999 Right. 370 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,439 Titillation. 371 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,919 Sorry... Ruby, sorry, I paid for my time with you. 372 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,919 I don't think this should become an issue. 373 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,800 Ray wouldn't be happy about that. 374 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,839 Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. I'm absolutely fine, don't worry. 375 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,319 Fabulous, in fact. I'm off to a party tonight, so... great. 376 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,279 All right, thank you, bye. 377 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,040 Best of luck. Bye. Bye. 378 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,239 How about a creme brulee, Jim? 379 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,200 You don't have to chew that. 380 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,159 Couldn't stop laughing, me. 381 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,560 He nearly caught us laughing, so I pretended to sneeze. 382 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,159 Which seemed to turn him on even more! 383 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,519 Fucking did and all, didn't it? Pervert. 384 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,759 Mind you, he were one of those Richard Geres, though, wasn't he? 385 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,879 A what? You know the ones. 386 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,479 They like the whole Pretty Woman fantasy, 387 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,279 try to get your personal number, 388 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:49,239 pretend to fall in love for a night or a week or something. 389 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,159 Oh, my God. It's a type? 390 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,519 Of course it fucking is, love. 391 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,199 Right, ladies. Remember, any trouble, give me a call. 392 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,519 Don't drink and drug more than you can handle, 393 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,399 and look after each other. 394 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,759 I've never done one of these - 395 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,799 are they all right, these party bookings? 396 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,839 You just wait and see! 397 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,720 Fucking wild. 398 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,399 Wow! 399 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,520 It's amazing! Fabulous. 400 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,839 Ey, boys. Shall we get this party started, then, or what? 401 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,399 Aww, who's this? 402 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,599 You're gorgeous, aren't you? 403 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,559 Are you ready for a good time, boys? 404 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,239 Knickers off. 405 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,599 Bloody hell, you're keen, aren't you? Right. 406 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,959 Oh, this is short. 407 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,959 This is all I've got. 408 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,959 This is not a haggling situation. 409 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,480 I'm not a used car. 410 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,879 Fine. 411 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:41,519 Great. 412 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,279 No johnnies, though, yeah? 413 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,839 No, I don't do that. 414 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,960 Fucking 'ell. What DO you do? 415 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,480 Yeah. Ohhh... 416 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,519 Ow! No, I don't do A-levels. 417 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,759 What if I pay extra? No. 418 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,200 Fine. 419 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,679 Ow! 420 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,640 Ow! Ow! I said no! 421 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,439 What are you fucking playing at, you cheeky twat? 422 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:17,039 I'm not telling you again. You pay first, they're the fucking rules. 423 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,999 What's going on? I'm not paying now. You girls are shite. 424 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,639 Fuck you. 425 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,239 Don't fucking speak to me like that. 426 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,279 Aah! 427 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,959 Get off her! Get your hands off her! 428 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,320 Get the fuck off her! 429 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,439 Run! 430 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:31,919 Hey, come back! 431 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,439 You're a shit shag! 432 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,159 Quick! Come on! 433 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:39,999 Quick! 434 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,599 He's there! Is he? 435 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,919 Get in. 436 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,039 Oh, my God. 437 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,120 Where's Cara? Shit! 438 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,479 I've nicked his fucking dog! 439 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,679 What? 440 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,239 Bring that dog back here now! 441 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,599 Oh, for fuck's sake. Why did you do that? 442 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,920 I couldn't find me shoes, so I nicked his dog. 443 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:07,359 You know what, Leanne? You've actually done us proud here. 444 00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:10,319 These look absolutely gorgeous. Cheers, Bill. 445 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,319 Shame no fucker in Bolton wants to eat it. 446 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,919 So what are we going to do with all this shit, then? 447 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,679 Well, I don't know. 448 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,839 Maybe salmon porridge? 449 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,199 Oh, no. Fair enough. 450 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,439 If they don't want this lot, 451 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,039 they're not going to want pound-shop Heston, are they? No. 452 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,599 Oriental paella? 453 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,400 All right, Japanese bubble and squeak? 454 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,280 We're closed, Alma. 455 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,599 All right. As long as you're not throwing food around. 456 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,839 You got wasabi in my eye t'other day. 457 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,039 And, yeah, it might look like mushy peas, 458 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,720 but by the Christ, it's fucking not. Sorry, Bill. 459 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,159 So what happened here, then? 460 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,519 Oh. As it turns out, 461 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,999 pensioners aren't willing to fuck around with raw fish. 462 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,919 Fair. Nigiri? Yeah, please. 463 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,719 We've got tons of the fuckers. I'm sure I've got a parasite. 464 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,680 "Adapt or die, Leanne." Don't start. 465 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,599 You were right about Phil. Oh, dear. 466 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:10,040 Mm. 467 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:13,720 What? 468 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,039 What?! 469 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,719 Give us a minute, Bill. 470 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:21,319 Seriously? This is my bloody cafe. 471 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,079 Why don't you go and do the pots? 472 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,280 Bloody hell. 473 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:26,960 Might as well give you bloody keys. 474 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:29,640 That's an idea. 475 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,680 Turns out posh men can be twats as well. 476 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,839 I'm sorry about the other day. 477 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,999 Yeah, I'm sorry too. No, you're right. 478 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,039 I know I need to be a bit more real about the job. 479 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,199 But the judginess makes it harder to be honest about it. 480 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,599 I feel like I need to be "happy hooker" all the time. 481 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,359 You know, because you can say when you've had a shit day at work, 482 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,719 you can say, "Oh, Alma, I've had a shit day at work, 483 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,199 "I've had to make 50 fucking salmon rolls." 484 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,799 I can't come to you and say, "Yeah, I've had a shit day at work too, 485 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,519 "he was insistent on shoving his cock in my ear, 486 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,279 "and now I've got tinnitus." 487 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,839 Fucking hell, you've got tinnitus? Well, there's certainly 488 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:09,439 an unusual buzzing sound that wasn't there before. 489 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,920 LAUGHS 490 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:16,679 See, THIS is nice. I WANT to laugh with you about it. 491 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,919 You're the only person I've told. 492 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,959 But I understand this job is just a means to an end. 493 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,080 I'm not going to get lost in it any more. 494 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:29,000 Good. Yeah. 495 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,199 So how's Chris? 496 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,399 I really like him. Oh, dear. 497 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,239 We'll have to get you a patch for that. 498 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,639 He makes me laugh. 499 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,039 He's always quoting Robin Williams movies. 500 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,999 Right. Into that, are you? 501 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,480 Think I am, yeah. 502 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,879 I really want you to be happy for me. 503 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,079 I am happy for you. 504 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,879 I am. 505 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,679 Salmon roll? 506 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,000 Yeah, fuck it. Oh! 507 00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,599 Do you want to buy a dog? 508 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:00,960 God, no. 509 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,520 These safe to eat?