I've been fully booked all week.
Last guy, he played for Man United.
Who is it? I couldn't possibly say.
Boring.
He's an athlete, Leanne.
And my, oh, my, could you tell.
My God, he was throwing me about all over the place. It was fabulous.
And then at the end of it all, HE paid ME!
Ridiculous, really.
I feel incredible.
You look like a chinchilla.
Now, that is sensational. We're getting that.
Oh, it's too expensive, Alma.
Listen, for the first time in my life, I've got money.
I can buy what I want, when I want, for who I want.
Let's enjoy it, Leanne.
Woo!
Once you commit to a turban, your whole personality changes.
I feel it. I feel different. Better.
I mean, look at me. Look at my posture. I'm like a peacock.
I'm cosmically ordering positivity in this turban.
You look like a sultan.
You look a CEO. Do I?!
You do.
Right, cocktails. But it's not even 12.
I've not had second breakfast yet. Well, call it brunch, then. Fine.
Acting lessons.
Thanks.
Alma! Ooh!
Bolton Acting School. It's a sign.
It's the turban! Right, let's check it out.
You don't think we're a bit overdressed? No, I do not.
If anything, I think we're underdressed.
And that's why, class, you should never say yes
to a sex scene before you've read the full script.
Thanks for sharing, Lesley.
You can sit down now, love.
Can you sit?
Well done.
Yeah, er, can I help? Yeah, I saw your sign outside.
I want to be an actress.
Ah, no, big mistake.
We're not doing a panto this year.
No, I want to be... a serious actress.
Oh, right, yeah. I can, yeah...
Just you? Yeah. Not the two?
Only there's a lot going on there, in't there?
Damn right there is.
Well, you've come to the reet place, cocker.
Yeah. Creme de la creme of acting training, this. Fabulous. Yeah.
We've had them all here. Haven't we?
We had, er, Paddy McGuinness.
That woman off the Halifax advert.
You might recognise Brian -
he played a dead body on Doctors.
Right.
All right, Brian, stop showing off.
But it's £100 for five sessions, and you can start Saturday.
Fantastic. Yeah?
Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah!
I'll see you then. Mmm.
Cocktails? Cocktails. Right.
Bit early for that, isn't it?
Do you know, I'm not just shagging people on this job, you know.
I'm actually more of a therapist.
And how do you work that out, then?
I wouldn't share this with Leanne.
She's surprisingly squeamish about the whole thing.
But it's not all glamour and posh hotels.
I'm an awful man!
I can't fuck you!
I can't fuck my wife!
I'm a failure.
A lot of the job is just holding old naked men in your arms
while they cry at midnight.
Don't worry about it, Clive.
You're not the first and you won't be the last.
Very much like going to bed with a raw chicken.
And people have some pretty niche requirements.
You poor, dirty little whore.
Tell me how you coped, you dirty girl.
Your poor family. How did they cope?
There's a lot of thinking on your feet - and off them.
We're on family tax credits?
Yeah, yeah, tell me more.
Er... we ate a lot of Spam.
Ooh, yeah. Did you wash?
What? Did you wash?
Er, no, never, never washed, no.
The same knickers every day.
Oh, I bet you did, you dirty girl.
Did you have electricity?
Oh, no, no, no electricity, no.
Just candles. Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I was a poor, dirty girl
who ate a lot of Spam in candlelight.
What's THAT look about?
I just worry about you.
You've had a difficult upbringing,
a bad break-up with a toxic prick, and now you're a...
prostitute.
What's my childhood got to do with it?
Why do people always psychoanalyse sex workers
and question how empowered they are? Do you know we don't do it
to anybody else in any other profession?
You don't go into a telesales office, do you,
and go, "Ooh, Sue on the phones - is she empowered
"or is she just loudly selling carpets
"cos she's a middle child?"
I tell you what, money is empowering, Leanne.
Money.
Hey! I invited Chris. Sorry, I forgot to tell you.
This is supposed to be our day.
Well, we've had all morning, and I really want you to get to know him.
Hey, Alma. Hey, gorgeous.
She met this one on jury duty.
She usually finds an excuse to dump a bloke after the first week.
He's got a blog.
His chin's too small.
He likes to cuddle after sex.
But it's been three weeks now,
and he still seems to be wearing my mate's face like an oxygen mask.
They've started speaking in we's instead of I's.
Hey! We're cooking a stew tonight - why don't you join us?
No, ta.
I refuse to become some sort of weird pet
in this sickly arrangement.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
Oh!
It's fabulous.
Ruby. Oh!
Oh, God. Sorry!
It's Phil. Hello.
These are very nice cushions.
Yeah. Yeah. They are, aren't they?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The sort of cushions you'd expect to find
in a really plush Parisian brothel.
Is that right? Well, I'll take your word for that.
I've always enjoyed the decor in here.
It's almost arrogant, isn't it? It IS arrogant, yeah.
Cushions at the bar,
doorman who looks like a tree.
Yeah. Yeah, he does.
I think that's the great thing about having money, though, isn't it?
If you want to dress someone up like a tree,
you're not mentally ill, you're forward-thinking.
Yeah.
I mean, that was the kind of foolish thing I did. Really? Yeah.
I'm a very indulgent man. Mmm, I gathered.
So what's the maddest thing you've ever bought, then?
Apart from me.
Well, I once spent 40 grand on a painting of a very sad-looking dog.
Fucking hell. Why? It just spoke to me.
Yeah, I actually put it up in my office, and I had to take it down.
It was too sad. Had to put it in the attic.
I bet the dog's even MORE sad up there.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll bet she is.
Would you like some champagne? I... I'd love some.
Yeah. Yeah? Well, let's do champagne.
Oh, my God.
That was... That was tremendous.
I mean, you're quite something.
You're not so bad yourself, Phil.
I wonder if perhaps I could, er,
I could book you every night this week.
I'm serious. What? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
No!
Oh... I mean, yeah.
I mean, sure.
Can I get your private number? Er...
I don't want to get you into trouble or anything,
but just, I mean, you are amazing. And I just...
I just want to send you a cheeky text from time to time, huh? Oh...
Yeah, all right, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, that would be nice, actually, yeah.
Let's have champagne. Yeah? Yeah.
Woo!
Oh, shit. I'm supposed to go to my mate's for tea tonight.
She's cooking a stroganoff with her new fella.
Well, just forget that. Yeah?
Let's have some champagne.
Yeah. Fuck it, let's do that. Yeah.
You're not saying hello, then?
I've not got time for hellos, Anthony.
What's with the hat? Are you going to the races or something?
This is how I dress now.
I'm going to much more extravagant and sophisticated places.
These hats are very run-of-the-mill there.
Hey, there is nothing run-of-the-mill about that beast.
Oi!
Who are you going to these fancy places with, then?
His name's Phil.
And he's fabulous.
That was lovely. When you coming back? Soon. Great.
Oooh. Who's that, then?
Daz. Daz?
Like the washing powder?
Oh, he's fabulous.
I've had sex three times this morning,
before Spam. Ugh. No, no, don't try and shame me, Alma.
My body is an instrument of pleasure.
I am a sexual violin, and I need to be played. You're not a sexy violin.
You're a 60-odd-year-old grandma with a fungal nail infection.
No, it's gone.
I had a word with it. What?
I spoke to me toe.
Right, so I sat down last Tuesday, put my feet up,
and it was looking at me.
So I just said, "Ey, no more trouble from you."
Week later, it's gone.
Right, so it's nothing to do with these, then?
Oh...
So are you free for a family lunch on Friday? No. Why?
Because I've just defrosted a loaf, and it needs eaten.
Listen, I'm sure your sad little loaf can wait.
I want to take us somewhere fabulous, Grandma.
What you smiling at?
Oh, you're not back with fucklump, are you? No.
I've met someone a lot better, actually.
He's classy, he's fabulous, he's nothing like Anthony.
He took me to the theatre, Grandma.
Ooh! When are we going to meet him, then?
Fuck off.
I don't need YOU telling him
you're a sexy violin who argues with her toes.
Fuck me.
I'm sorry about the other night.
I was with Phil, you see.
I cooked you a lovely meal and you just didn't show up.
Chris thinks you don't like him. I know. Sorry.
The thing about Phil is he's just... He's all-encompassing.
You know, he's not like your average boyfriend.
Alma, can we talk about this later?
I've got 50 fucking salmon rolls to make by noon
because SOMEBODY went on a caterers' awayday
and now we've got sushi on the menu.
It's the modern world, Leanne. I've told you before - adapt or die.
Adapt or die, Leanne!
Fuck you, Bill! Fuck you!
He bought me a dress.
He took me to the theatre, Leanne.
Did you go to the acting class on Saturday?
No, I didn't make that, actually.
Why? Phil asked me to stay over, and... we got carried away, and...
So you paid for it and then you sacked it off
like you sacked me off.
What's got YOUR knickers in a twist?
The whole point of this job was so you could do good things
with the money, not get pissed in wine bars with old men.
Well, that's not what I'm doing, is it? I'm earning money.
I know what this is. You're jealous.
Of what, Alma? My money, my freedom.
Look at you - covered in fish guts on minimum wage.
I'm enjoying the finer things in life, and you can't handle it.
The finer things in life? Are you fucking mad?
I've had enough of listening to this deluded waffle.
Phil is not your boyfriend.
Your job is not empowering. It's seedy and it's gross,
and you are fucking mental, Alma.
I can't believe how judgmental you're being.
I thought, of all people, you would understand.
Why the fuck would I understand?
Because you're ALWAYS shagging about.
So that makes me a prostitute?!
Do you know, I don't like you with a boyfriend.
You're a right boring old goat.
Oh! Ugh!
What the fuck?
Fishy bitch! Fuck you, Alma.
Fuck you! What the...?
Oh, get off! Ladies! Stop!
My God!
Leanne, put that fish down!
Alma, back away from the salmon rolls.
Fuck me.
Hello, you. Hello.
You look nice.
Yes, I know. I'm feeling fabulous.
Phil's taking me out later. Ooh! How are you?
Not sure about this, Alma. Your mum's too odd for a place like this.
Grandma, it's going to be fine. Oh, here she is.
Mum and Jim have this otherworldly quality.
They're sort of like two bemused aliens
that have just crash-landed.
And that's how everyone treats them.
Like an alien threat.
Oh, dear.
So, it's a small-plates menu here,
which basically means you pick your own plate
and then we share them all.
Do they not do big plates? I'd rather have me own big plate.
It's like a pick 'n' mix. Yeah, exactly. It's hot in here.
I'm going to have a fag.
I'm not surprised you're hot in that.
It's the height of sophistication, this, Mother.
Scabby Joe got it off the back of a John Lewis truck.
What's that?
My handbag.
It's a lunchbox.
Not everybody thinks in boring straight lines like you, Mother.
Hello.
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to...
And if Mum and Jim are aliens,
I suppose I'm some sort of alien ambassador,
translating between two species.
Don't worry, love, we're all OK here.
So what does everybody fancy?
I think I will be having the Spanish omelette.
I don't eat any egg any more, Alma.
Who wants to eat the unborn child of a depressed hen?
Have you got anything without bits?
What does she...?
What do you mean without bits, Mum?
Something... She can't chew, can she?
I can't chew owt on here either.
When you give birth to a little girl,
you don't imagine they'll be toothless by 40. All right.
I've had my teeth done, Mother.
I've got a Hollywood fucking smile
and it's still not good enough for you.
You can come back in a minute, if you want.
Yeah, you've never done a day's work in your life
and you've got better teeth than all of us.
Well, that's because the Government want to look after me,
which is more than you ever did!
Right, can everybody just calm the fuck down?
Listen, I want us to have a nice family meal in a fabulous place.
Please! Let's not ruin this
by being ourselves.
You can never let me off the hook, can you?
This is exactly like when I was seven years old... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all my fault, in't it?
No. Don't you dare.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad...
Not here, Mum. That's not OK.
They may not mean to, but they do.
A few years back, Mum started this bizarre tradition
of calling Grandma up on Mother's Day
and reciting Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse.
Can you imagine what that was like for my poor gran,
having to listen to someone
with no teeth recite poetry?
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you, Mother.
Now she does it every time she's pissed off.
She only ever recites the first four sentences.
She never gets to that bit about compassion.
I'm not being spoken to like this. Grandma, come on.
She's embarrassing. I'M not being spoken to like this.
I'm going for a fag. No, I'm going for a fag.
I said I was going for a fag five minutes ago.
No, I'M going for a fag and I'm going to get there before you.
I said I was too hot and I wanted to get outside.
Sorry.
You know, I'm actually a very indulgent man.
Yeah.
Sorry, I've just got to... Sorry about this.
I've just got to take that. Hello?
Hello, Phil. It's Al.. Ruby.
Hi. Hi! I... I just wondered why you cancelled tonight.
Look, I...
I'm leaving town tonight, I just fancied something...
Sorry... someone new.
Yeah?
But you took my personal number.
Yeah, well, it's just titillation, isn't it?
Right.
Titillation.
Sorry... Ruby, sorry, I paid for my time with you.
I don't think this should become an issue.
Ray wouldn't be happy about that.
Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. I'm absolutely fine, don't worry.
Fabulous, in fact. I'm off to a party tonight, so... great.
All right, thank you, bye.
Best of luck. Bye. Bye.
How about a creme brulee, Jim?
You don't have to chew that.
Couldn't stop laughing, me.
He nearly caught us laughing, so I pretended to sneeze.
Which seemed to turn him on even more!
Fucking did and all, didn't it? Pervert.
Mind you, he were one of those Richard Geres, though, wasn't he?
A what? You know the ones.
They like the whole Pretty Woman fantasy,
try to get your personal number,
pretend to fall in love for a night or a week or something.
Oh, my God. It's a type?
Of course it fucking is, love.
Right, ladies. Remember, any trouble, give me a call.
Don't drink and drug more than you can handle,
and look after each other.
I've never done one of these -
are they all right, these party bookings?
You just wait and see!
Fucking wild.
Wow!
It's amazing! Fabulous.
Ey, boys. Shall we get this party started, then, or what?
Aww, who's this?
You're gorgeous, aren't you?
Are you ready for a good time, boys?
Knickers off.
Bloody hell, you're keen, aren't you? Right.
Oh, this is short.
This is all I've got.
This is not a haggling situation.
I'm not a used car.
Fine.
Great.
No johnnies, though, yeah?
No, I don't do that.
Fucking 'ell. What DO you do?
Yeah. Ohhh...
Ow! No, I don't do A-levels.
What if I pay extra? No.
Fine.
Ow!
Ow! Ow! I said no!
What are you fucking playing at, you cheeky twat?
I'm not telling you again. You pay first, they're the fucking rules.
What's going on? I'm not paying now. You girls are shite.
Fuck you.
Don't fucking speak to me like that.
Aah!
Get off her! Get your hands off her!
Get the fuck off her!
Run!
Hey, come back!
You're a shit shag!
Quick! Come on!
Quick!
He's there! Is he?
Get in.
Oh, my God.
Where's Cara? Shit!
I've nicked his fucking dog!
What?
Bring that dog back here now!
Oh, for fuck's sake. Why did you do that?
I couldn't find me shoes, so I nicked his dog.
You know what, Leanne? You've actually done us proud here.
These look absolutely gorgeous. Cheers, Bill.
Shame no fucker in Bolton wants to eat it.
So what are we going to do with all this shit, then?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe salmon porridge?
Oh, no. Fair enough.
If they don't want this lot,
they're not going to want pound-shop Heston, are they? No.
Oriental paella?
All right, Japanese bubble and squeak?
We're closed, Alma.
All right. As long as you're not throwing food around.
You got wasabi in my eye t'other day.
And, yeah, it might look like mushy peas,
but by the Christ, it's fucking not. Sorry, Bill.
So what happened here, then?
Oh. As it turns out,
pensioners aren't willing to fuck around with raw fish.
Fair. Nigiri? Yeah, please.
We've got tons of the fuckers. I'm sure I've got a parasite.
"Adapt or die, Leanne." Don't start.
You were right about Phil. Oh, dear.
Mm.
What?
What?!
Give us a minute, Bill.
Seriously? This is my bloody cafe.
Why don't you go and do the pots?
Bloody hell.
Might as well give you bloody keys.
That's an idea.
Turns out posh men can be twats as well.
I'm sorry about the other day.
Yeah, I'm sorry too. No, you're right.
I know I need to be a bit more real about the job.
But the judginess makes it harder to be honest about it.
I feel like I need to be "happy hooker" all the time.
You know, because you can say when you've had a shit day at work,
you can say, "Oh, Alma, I've had a shit day at work,
"I've had to make 50 fucking salmon rolls."
I can't come to you and say, "Yeah, I've had a shit day at work too,
"he was insistent on shoving his cock in my ear,
"and now I've got tinnitus."
Fucking hell, you've got tinnitus? Well, there's certainly
an unusual buzzing sound that wasn't there before.
LAUGHS
See, THIS is nice. I WANT to laugh with you about it.
You're the only person I've told.
But I understand this job is just a means to an end.
I'm not going to get lost in it any more.
Good. Yeah.
So how's Chris?
I really like him. Oh, dear.
We'll have to get you a patch for that.
He makes me laugh.
He's always quoting Robin Williams movies.
Right. Into that, are you?
Think I am, yeah.
I really want you to be happy for me.
I am happy for you.
I am.
Salmon roll?
Yeah, fuck it. Oh!
Do you want to buy a dog?
God, no.
These safe to eat?