1 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,920 They've never been the friendliest bunch on Grandma's street. 2 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,440 We seem to have a knack for pissing them off. 3 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,120 Her daughter's a drug addict, you know. 4 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,839 And she's divorced. 5 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,360 Always has men round... 6 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,240 ..and all bloody colours and all. 7 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,719 Worst of all, though... 8 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:41,800 ..she smokes... 9 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,560 ..in the kitchen. 10 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,640 What are them two bloody staring at? 11 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,560 You all right, Sandra? 12 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,559 Do you need help with that? 13 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,919 With what, love? 14 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,840 That large stick up your arse - do you need help with it? 15 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,079 Do you pissing mind?! 16 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,919 Bloody hell, Joan. 17 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,239 I could have you locked up for indecent exposure, 18 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,960 if I didn't mind that view so much. 19 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,559 Oh, no, no. Don't put 'em away on our account. 20 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,399 Did your mother never breast-feed you, Paul? Hm? 21 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,439 If you're looking for that wayward daughter of mine, she's not here, 22 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:27,919 so piss off. 23 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,879 Well, we're going to have to check. 24 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,800 And I might start in your bedroom... 25 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,639 ..if you want to come and join me? 26 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,799 Psst! 27 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,559 Alma! Psst! 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,599 Alma, come here. 29 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,999 Hey, will you do Mummy a little favour? 30 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,519 I've left my leopard print handbag in the hallway, 31 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,279 so will you just go and get it for me? 32 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,879 That's Grandma's bag. No, she... she's lent it to me, 33 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,199 so just go and fetch it for Mummy, eh? 34 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,800 But don't let anybody see you. 35 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,520 Do you mind? 36 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,719 She's not in the washing machine, is she? 37 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,399 I'm sick of this bloody harassment. 38 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,479 I said we've got to check everywhere, Joan. 39 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,839 Get off me knickers. 40 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,399 It's like dental floss. 41 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,359 Are you not getting any at home or something? 42 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,960 Right, now what? 43 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,519 Oh, ace! 44 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,039 Oh, ta, Alma. 45 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,480 I'll see you soon, yeah? 46 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,039 Stop! 47 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,639 Stop! It's her. Quick, get her! 48 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,919 Come on. Hey! Come on! 49 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,320 Police, stop! 50 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,240 But without us Nuttalls, what else would they have to gossip about? 51 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:11,000 Sorry, Julie, you're a national treasure but I've got dreams, too. 52 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,559 Oh, yeah. 53 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,919 That is fabulous. Look at it. 54 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,039 New me, new life. 55 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,079 This is the plan now. 56 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,519 I'm going to visualise the shit out of my life. 57 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,599 Hollywood, here I come. 58 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,119 Nothing can hold me back. Exactly. 59 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,279 Woo! 60 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,480 I'm on the up. 61 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,600 Talent. 62 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,719 You've got that in spades, yeah? 63 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,680 Well, some of you have but definitely not you, Lesley. 64 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,879 Number two - CV. 65 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,519 Now, having a good CV is part and parcel of being an actor. 66 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:54,279 I would never have been an extra/supporting artiste on Corrie, 67 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,560 three times... 68 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,679 That's three. 69 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,999 ..if I hadn't got me CV in good working order. 70 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,599 Now, Brian. I notice on yours, you've got a lot of accents. 71 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,439 But can you do 'em all? Um... 72 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,759 ..yeah, I think so. 73 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,599 All right. Give us your Scottish, then. 74 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,199 Now, ooh! Oh, haggis. 75 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,799 Ooo! Bit of the noo! 76 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,920 Oh, I just want to dance with a bottle, eh! 77 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,959 No, Brian. That were not good, were it, class? 78 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,879 Not really, no. 79 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,759 If anything, it were a bit racist, Brian. 80 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,319 It was a little bit, yeah. 81 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,599 Look, it's important. 82 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,399 If any of you have got a skill on your CV 83 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,160 that you don't actually have, get it off. 84 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,560 Get it off now. 85 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,159 Believe you me, you may think you can Lindy Hop 86 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,439 when you've had a few bevvies down at Mondo's... 87 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,080 ..but it's a different story... 88 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,599 ..when you're in an audition and you're sober 89 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:56,960 and you'll regret that... 90 00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,960 ..for the rest of your lives. 91 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,039 Can I keep beatboxing on? 92 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,319 Beatboxing? 93 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,159 Beatboxing, it's like... 94 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:25,880 No. 95 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,719 Attitude - 96 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,639 change it, all of you. 97 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,199 You'll not get anywhere with a chip on your shoulders. 98 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,999 Tina, you can't threaten to beat up casting director, 99 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,519 when you don't get a role. 100 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:39,679 Fuck off! 101 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,919 Alma, you've missed a session. 102 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,320 Lesley, you've missed a fuck load. 103 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,599 Well, my mum's got cancer, Ian, and I'm her full-time carer, 104 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,959 so I can't always... 105 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,080 No-one cares, Les. 106 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,359 Excuses don't wash in this biz. 107 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,919 If you're to be an actor, 108 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,160 you do not have room for personal drama, like Lesley. 109 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,519 Keep drama on stage. 110 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,319 Why do you think I'm still single? 111 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,400 I've not had a girlfriend for 15 years... 112 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:09,760 ..because... 113 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,600 ..I'm married to the craft. 114 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,839 If you want to be actors, if you want to be stars, 115 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,719 you need to streamline your lives. 116 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,999 Get 'em streamli... 117 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,959 Streamline your lives. 118 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,359 Do it with me. 119 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,719 Streamline your lives. 120 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,839 Streamline your lives. Streamline your lives. 121 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,399 Good, good. 122 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,560 Streamline your lives. 123 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,079 If you want to be a star, 124 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,040 you've got to streamline your lives. That's what Ian says. 125 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,719 I could've been a star. 126 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:47,760 Of what? 127 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,320 Don't know, but I've always felt like one. 128 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,079 I'm just completely bored since retirement. 129 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,759 I need, um... 130 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,039 ..a hobby or a pet. 131 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,599 There's only so much Tinder a girl can take. 132 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,159 Well, it's Mum's CPA on Tuesday. 133 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,479 You can come to that if you want something to do. 134 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,439 Fuck that for a bag of Wotsits! 135 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,319 Just me again, then. 136 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,239 Now that's your choice, Alma. 137 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,479 The day I refused to be your mum's next of kin, 138 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,919 was one of the most liberating days of my life. 139 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,560 It's the closest you can get to divorcing a child. 140 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,640 She destroyed me life! 141 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,639 And me vagina. 142 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,159 Ugh. 143 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,200 What's a CPA? 144 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,199 CPAs are these dull little get-togethers 145 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,479 with my mum and a revolving door of professionals. 146 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,200 Do we really need all these fucking people? 147 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,359 Let's just go around the room and introduce ourselves. 148 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,439 Er... 149 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,919 ..I'm Alma, Lin's mum, I mean, daughter, sorry. 150 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,239 Hello. 151 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,199 I'm Lin, the fish in the fucking bowl. 152 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,479 They all sit there taking notes and talking about her in third person. 153 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,359 And the shit they come out with! 154 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,879 I think Lin could benefit from some breathing exercises for relaxation. 155 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,799 Relaxation?! I smoke for that. 156 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,999 What about the yarn-bombing course? 157 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,639 Fuck off! 158 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,320 To be fair, she has tried normal activities. 159 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,239 She's just not very good at them. 160 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,399 Argh! 161 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,320 OK, shall we just keep going round? 162 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,079 Hello, I'm Jane. 163 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,999 Oh, here we go! Another social worker from the council. 164 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,919 Mum's had more of these than she's had crack pipes. 165 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,919 They all start off looking fresh and self-important. 166 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,439 By the end, they look like this... 167 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,600 She has a face like a right slapped arse, this one. 168 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,479 I'm the new social worker from the council, 169 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:50,719 taking over from... 170 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,080 Where the fuck is Bev? 171 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,999 Bev has had enough, Lin, 172 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:03,320 and I tell you now, I will not be spoken to the way you spoke to Bev. 173 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,559 I made one comment about her weird fucking eyebrow! 174 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,959 It wasn't just one comment though, was it? 175 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,639 You wrote a poem. 176 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,399 Left it on her window screen. 177 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,959 She fucked up me bennies. 178 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,879 She'd just had her gall-bladder removed! 179 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,799 It's got nothing to do with that. 180 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,479 Bev was a dick when she had a gall-bladder. 181 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,799 She was a dick when she lost it. Nothing fucking changes with Bev. 182 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,519 OK. Can we just leave Bev's gall-bladder out of this 183 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,999 and focus on the good news? 184 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,279 What's the good news? 185 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,279 We've just been notified that Lin's section has finally been lifted. 186 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,639 We're looking at potentially placing her in a hostel 187 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,159 that offers mental health support services. No! 188 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,519 Jim's in one of them now and he hates it. 189 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,199 The tribunal don't feel you're ready 190 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,239 for independent living quite yet, Lin. 191 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,639 Fuck's sake, you burn one little flat down 192 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,279 and everybody's up in arms. 193 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,839 Yeah, no. I don't think a hostel will work for my mum 194 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,759 cos she needs somewhere where she can feel calm and stay clean. 195 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,880 Well, the other option's living with a family member. 196 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,839 OK, so this hostel... 197 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,240 ..is it all right? Is it a goer, do you think? 198 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:20,279 It's like a shoe box. A dirty, horrible shoe box. 199 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,679 I mean, it's... 200 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,119 It could be nice. 201 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,799 You know, we just... I know it's a bit, "Blargh!" 202 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,559 But we'll some paintings up or we can paint the walls? 203 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:32,879 No painting walls. 204 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,039 No nails in walls. 205 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,239 Right. 206 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:37,719 Like prison. 207 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,319 But do you know what? It's a lovely area this now. 208 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,879 It's quite posh nowadays. 209 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,199 Very leafy. 210 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,399 People keep saying leafy. 211 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:46,999 What the fuck does it mean? 212 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,879 If I wanted leafy, I'd live in tree. 213 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,240 Lovely lamp, though. 214 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,080 Oh, hello. 215 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,760 Are you here about the mice? 216 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,360 They keep eating my fucking cornflakes. 217 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,999 Er... No, we're just showing my mum round 218 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,679 cos she might be moving in here. 219 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,959 I don't think so. 220 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,559 What about the mice? 221 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,520 What are you going to do about the mice? 222 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,839 We're not here about the mice. 223 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,279 We don't know anything about them. 224 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,879 They're taking over! 225 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,199 I can hear them whispering and plotting in the walls. 226 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,119 OK. Well, maybe speak to... 227 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,319 Shh! 228 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,279 Well, the thing is... Shh! Listen! 229 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,320 OK. 230 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,319 I mean, I can't actually hear anything at the minute but... 231 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,519 Go to your room, Louise. 232 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,280 I put the traps down last night. 233 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,800 Bye, Louise. Sorry that I couldn't help. 234 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:54,879 But, um... 235 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,000 ..the clock is nice, in't it, Mum? It's... 236 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,959 ..you know. 237 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,640 Big window that, in't it? 238 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,719 And do you know what? That's a lovely view. 239 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,519 If you look just straight ahead and you don't look down, 240 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,119 it's actually quite calming. 241 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,639 Yeah. 242 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,600 It's not quite right, is it? 243 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,599 I know, it's not ideal. 244 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,839 Ideal?! 245 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,440 I'd have a housemate who thinks the mice are plotting against her. 246 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,679 To be fair, she'd be the sanest one there... 247 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,239 ..including security. 248 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,599 I want me own place, Bob. 249 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,639 I've been drug-free for over two years. 250 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,799 I'm taking me medication. 251 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,879 I've started art therapy. 252 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,679 I've got a bedtime, I pair me socks, I knit. 253 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,919 I'm practically Jessica-fucking-Fletcher, 254 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,360 for fuck's sake! 255 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,759 I've had me own flat before. 256 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,639 But you lost it, Lin. 257 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,039 You got yourself in a situation that means that we... 258 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,559 How dare you! 259 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,719 It wasn't my fault! 260 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,239 You have no idea what I went through. None of you do! 261 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,559 You hit rock bottom, and they fuck you while you're down there. 262 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:12,319 No-one is kind or fair to people like me! 263 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:16,199 I'm a... I'm a bottom feeder, swimming in a sea of cunts. 264 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,119 Like a great big piece of cod 265 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:24,999 or the Little bloody Mermaid, who's swimming around with no voice 266 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,279 and just a couple of shells trying to cover up her ample bosom, 267 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,479 because some fucking octopus has taken her voice away 268 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,559 and shoved it up a prince's arse somewhere! 269 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,159 And how do you think that makes me feel? 270 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,519 It makes me feel like a big fucking piece of cod! 271 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,279 I never know whether to laugh or cry at these rants. 272 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,319 There's a bizarre logic to 'em. 273 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,839 It all went wrong for Mum, 274 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,039 when the Government brought in the point-scoring system for disability. 275 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,559 She was assessed on whether she was fit for work... 276 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,959 ..not by a doctor but by this bloke. 277 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,359 After Mum failed her disability assessment, 278 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,399 she found other income streams. 279 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,679 Then Mum's nurse visits got cut. 280 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,879 They closed the local clinics, 281 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,639 so she had to get two buses for her anti-psychotic injection. 282 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,079 The bus isn't fun at the best of times, 283 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,959 never mind when you're adamantly convinced 284 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,439 you're trapped in an oven at the other side of the universe. 285 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,720 It's too hot! 286 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,879 So she took her medicinal needs into her own hands again... 287 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,279 Tracy! 288 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,279 ..and she didn't have to go far. 289 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,439 Give us a borrow till next Tuesday, will you? 290 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:36,679 Yeah. 291 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,760 It's safe to say she got herself in a bit of a pickle from there. 292 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,639 She got sent down for six months 293 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,920 and lost her council flat in the process. 294 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,079 Lin, can I level with you? 295 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,359 Over 5,000 people are homeless in Greater Manchester. 296 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,759 Over 80,000 are still waiting for social housing. 297 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,359 We're living in a Boom and Crisis paradox 298 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,199 and you're a known arsonist, Lin. 299 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,839 In all honesty, it's not likely you'll ever get a flat 300 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,480 completely to yourself again. 301 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,319 So what are her options? 302 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,360 As I said, at this stage... 303 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,519 ..family or hostel. 304 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,600 Right. 305 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,479 I can't stand Bob. 306 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,280 Condescending twat. 307 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,559 "You've got yourself in this situation, Lin. 308 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,519 "We couldn't let you live on your own, Lin." 309 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,079 Yeah. 310 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,560 He is a twat and all. 311 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,399 "You're not really God, you know. 312 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,480 "It's important you recognise that, Alan." 313 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,839 One of my biggest mistakes, him. 314 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,280 Mm, prick. 315 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,359 I can't stay here, Alma. 316 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,639 Please! 317 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,839 Please, get me out of this guinea pig farm. 318 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,759 The smells, they all blob together and make me feel ill and the... 319 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,480 Urgh, that prick's here again! 320 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,799 I'm off. 321 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,079 Hiya, Jesus. 322 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,440 Peace be with you. 323 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,080 Never have a son. 324 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,999 Five, six, seven... 325 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,999 OK, ladies. It's sexy-sassy time! 326 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,959 Oh, lovely arms, Leanne. 327 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,919 Alma, we'll have no angry crab this week, please. 328 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,839 She's always picking on me, Cheryl. 329 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,639 Wiggle them hips, love. 330 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,359 She knows. 331 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,399 That's it. Round in a circle. 332 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,439 You know what a circle is, don't you, Alma? 333 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,319 Alma, you can't have your mam live with you. 334 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,159 That's an absolute terrible idea. 335 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,800 Alma, you're flailing. 336 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,639 Well, I've run out of options. 337 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,519 You should've seen the hostel! 338 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,799 Come on, sexy as me. Come on. Give it some. 339 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,799 Oh, Alma. It's like teaching a fridge how to dance. 340 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,759 Will you stop heckling me, Cheryl?! 341 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,359 It's very demoralising! 342 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,319 You know, I'm doing my best sassy run forward 343 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,479 and you keep shouting, "Oh, you're a crab! Oh, you're a fridge!" 344 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,520 Well, you're not so good yourself since your hysterectomy. 345 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,360 Starlight by Raya Max 346 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,680 Hello? 347 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,440 OK, not doing hellos. 348 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,840 This is a bit fancy, in't it? 349 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,439 What do you do, then? 350 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,639 Property developer. 351 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,319 I built this place, 352 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,839 and those two over there. 353 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,679 It's going to be gorgeous when I'm done. 354 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,599 It'll be just like London. 355 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,279 Just need to get rid of that cluster of druggies and the homeless. 356 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,679 Right. 357 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,159 So I'd like you to be quite assertive with me, please. 358 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,919 I've been quite naughty today. 359 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,879 Right, OK. 360 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,159 Right, OK, so... 361 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,119 ..so you've been quite naughty, have you? 362 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,399 Very naughty. 363 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,799 You've been very naughty? 364 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,519 Right, so we might need to spank you, mightn't we? 365 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,479 Yes, I, er... 366 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,079 ..think we might. 367 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,399 Wow. We'd better whip your trousers off then, hadn't we, you naughty...? 368 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,600 Little boy. Little boy. 369 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,399 Very naughty little boy. 370 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,559 I have been naughty, haven't I, Mummy? 371 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,759 "M-Mummy"? 372 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,280 Yes, you've been a very naughty boy. 373 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,800 And Mummy's very angry with naughty boy. 374 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,999 Very naughty boy. Mummy is very angry with naughty boy! 375 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,159 Mummy! 376 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,439 Very naughty indeed. 377 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,039 Building all the fancy flats... 378 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,559 ..for the millionaires! 379 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,639 No social housing for any other fucker! 380 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,399 Naughty boy! Naughty, naughty boy! 381 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,919 I'm sorry. 382 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,400 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 383 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,040 Here you go, mate. 384 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,040 I've just spanked an adult man for that money. Enjoy. 385 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,480 Anything I Do By CLiQ 386 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,519 I'm not coming to the door, Edna. 387 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:33,399 The music is at medium level and I'm being very light-footed on my feet. 388 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,959 I'm like a feather up here. 389 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,359 It's me, Anthony. Come to the door. 390 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,760 Come on, Alma. 391 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,240 Shit. 392 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,119 Er, just... Just a second. 393 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,160 Fucking hell. 394 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,039 Hello, can I help you? 395 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,679 Bloody hell, what is that? 396 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:03,759 What? 397 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,399 What? That on your fucking... on your lip. 398 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,639 Oh, God. 399 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,039 Oh, God, I was supposed to take this off ages ago. 400 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,400 Oh, God. 401 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,159 Ah! Fucking hell! Oh! Oh! 402 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,080 It burns! Jesus Christ. It really burns. 403 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,839 Oh... Oh, my God. Thank God. 404 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,240 Oh, thank God for that. 405 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:27,880 What's all this, then? 406 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,959 It's my to-do list. 407 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,800 "Start tap-dancing," and "Become a global mega-star." 408 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,639 Big to-do list, innit? 409 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,319 Yes, it is. 410 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,199 Listen, I know why you're here. 411 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,039 If you think you can come crawling back... 412 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,200 Fuck off, right? Cos I'm not here for that. 413 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,599 Good. 414 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:53,719 It's Rachel. 415 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:54,800 She doing my head in. 416 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,360 Can't arsed be with her. 417 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,319 Who's this Phil bloke you've been showing off about, then? 418 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,879 None of your business. 419 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,759 Oh. He's dumped you already, has he? No. 420 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,319 No, I'm just, you know, I'm keeping my options open. 421 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,119 Playing the field. 422 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,399 I'm single and I'm ready to mingle. 423 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,759 Oh, single and ready to mingle? 424 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:21,599 I wouldn't be using that phrase again. It's not 1995. 425 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,279 What are you doing here anyway? 426 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,959 Right, well, how would you like to go 427 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,159 and grab a cheeky little ye olde pasty, hey, with...? 428 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,640 Ooh. 429 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,999 Did you just chuck these dirty knickers 430 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,159 in a pizza box into my garden? 431 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,999 No, I did not, Edna. 432 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,719 And, to be quite honest, I'm insulted by the accusation. 433 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,559 Well, it came from your window. 434 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:47,640 Goodbye, Edna. 435 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,560 She's still alive, then. 436 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:54,319 Yeah. 437 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,000 Piss off, Edna! 438 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,480 Hey, you're looking good. 439 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,800 You know, a bit like Bagpuss, but, you know, looking good. 440 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,439 I think it's my nose. Hm? 441 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,479 Why I always look good. 442 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:19,519 I've got a very beautiful and disarming nose. 443 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,759 You what? 444 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,639 Well, it goes up at the end here, right, which is silly really. 445 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,999 But the silliness relaxes and entertains people, 446 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,879 whilst also being very striking. 447 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,119 Bloody hell! 448 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,319 You've got a lot of opinions on your nose, haven't you? 449 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,559 Like a bloody QVC demonstration, that. 450 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:37,600 What about my nose? 451 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,839 It's all right, but it wouldn't sell on QVC. That's bollocks. 452 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,039 That, right, would sell way better than your nose. 453 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,559 Don't think so. Hey. Look. Look. Look at that. 454 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,800 Handsome bastard. As if! Feel it. 455 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,000 Unbelievable that. Not that incredible. 456 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,599 Oh, flat's looking good. 457 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,160 Mm-hm. Thank you. Yeah. 458 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,159 Yeah. Bit mad. You know, like living in a disco ball. 459 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,399 But it's... it's very, very you, in't it? 460 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,720 Yeah, it is very me. 461 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,039 Having said that, it might not be for much longer. 462 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,800 My mum's section's been lifted. 463 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,640 She's nowhere to go, so she might be moving in with me. 464 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,599 Alma, no. 465 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,679 Fuck that. Why? 466 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,959 You can't do that. It'll fuck your life up. 467 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,879 Yeah, I know what you mean. You'll end up a full-time carer. 468 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,079 Yeah, but... Right, and she's going to have all her dodgy mates round 469 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,159 all the time, like that woman who nicks spoons. 470 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,079 She'll be round, robbing the cutlery drawer. 471 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,199 And the alcoholic who pretends to be a priest, 472 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,519 he'll be round to ear-fuck the shit out of you. 473 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,799 You're too soft. 474 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,439 You were too soft wi' me but at least my mates only did coke. 475 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:48,919 No offence, right, 476 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:52,120 but your mum, she needs to be with someone who takes no shit. 477 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,800 What about your grandma? She's a dragon of a woman. 478 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,119 Might be an option. Mm. 479 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,599 Absolutely no way. 480 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,359 Well, I think you'd benefit from the company. 481 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,680 You said you wanted a pet. 482 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,679 I want a Cocker Spaniel, Alma. 483 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,839 Why can't she just get another flat? 484 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,079 It's not that easy any more. 485 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,679 Anyway, they won't let her live on her own without supervision. 486 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,759 Well, that's what the district nurses are for. 487 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,319 That's been cut. Oh, I see. 488 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,759 So... the Government have given up, so she's back to being my problem? 489 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,839 Well, she's not a problem any more, is she? 490 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,359 She's really straightened out. 491 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,919 She's even got her bennies sorted, so she won't nick your fags. 492 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,599 Oh, great. So I pay my taxes so your mum and Jim can laze about. 493 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,199 Jim's not lazing about, is he? He's got eight personalities. 494 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,879 He's knackered. Well, then why don't you take her, Alma, 495 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,759 if she's such a fucking ray of sunshine? 496 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,959 You said recently that you were bored 497 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,439 and you wanted something to do. 498 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:52,239 I meant something like... jewellery making or learning to canoe. 499 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,719 Canoe? Not taking in a toothless, drug-addicted arsonist. 500 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,239 Well... what else can we do, Grandma? 501 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,960 There's absolutely no options. It's me or you. 502 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,359 I know that's shit and I am sorry, 503 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,959 but I do genuinely think that my mum is doing great 504 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,279 and she deserves a second chance. 505 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,959 I'm sorry to ask, but you know my flat is tiny. 506 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,559 My house in't much bigger. 507 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,200 It's all right here, in't it? 508 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,239 Big enough for you two. She's only small, Mum. 509 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,680 Yeah, so was Napoleon. 510 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,479 Oh, I see the whole motley crew are here. 511 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,919 Delightful. 512 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,240 Piss off, Sandra. Hello. 513 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,559 What are they? Oh, no. You can't bring them in. 514 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,360 Look, me paintings are non-negotiable, Mum. 515 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:53,799 Hello. 516 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:54,999 What's he doing here? 517 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,679 Well, I forgot to say. I told him he could come too. 518 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,639 What are you talking about? No. That wasn't part of the plan. 519 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,639 He hates his hostel and he likes the idea of being at yours 520 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,040 with his own kettle. 521 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:08,959 Brought me own. 522 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,439 Mum, you should've asked. You won't even know he's here. 523 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,119 You hardly speak, do you, Jim? 524 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,480 Not really, no. 525 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,200 OK. 526 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,119 Fine. 527 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,639 But let's just get a few things straight before you come in. 528 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,359 Right? I'm telling you now, 529 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:30,519 I won't be taking any of the usual shit off anyone. 530 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,519 You fuck up, Lin, and you're out. 531 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,039 Right? I will not be harassed by police, 532 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,519 I will not be interrogated and analysed by social workers 533 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,879 and I will not be held responsible for your actions. 534 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,999 Understood? Fine. 535 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,319 And I want me own space. 536 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,959 I don't want to have to look at your scaley-dragon-face before noon, 537 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,400 is that OK? 538 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,120 I just want me kettle. 539 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,040 Right. Come in.