It's been a month since Mum moved in, and it's not going great.
Oh! You have to do that to your face every morning?
Do you have to start the day with a rollie behind your ear?
And I need a bigger cup than that.
They can't even get through breakfast together.
How many sugars have you put in that? Three.
Well, I take five.
Tastes like dishwater. Not good for you, that.
Oh, what, are you the expert on health now?
I'm very healthy, I'll have you know.
My body's a pissing temple.
It was the strangest experience of my life and, then again,
weirdly erotic.
Oh, God, not the alien abduction again!
If aliens were coming to Earth, why would they come to Bolton
and abduct you, Grandma?
You tell me, Alma. You tell me.
Hm, yeah, that's really interesting.
So, on Lin's progress...
They were stood in the corner of me bedroom,
in the middle of the night, just staring at me at first.
What did they look like?
Erm, normalish-size heads.
Malevolent eyes.
And then they told me they needed to take me. Bloody hell!
Yeah, and I don't blame them.
You know, I am an extremely sexual being.
As were they. OK, shall we get off
the topic of whether you did or didn't fuck an alien, Grandma?
Yes, I'd like that too, actually.
Erm, I think it's important to say
I'm glad you all feel comfortable now, being so... honest with me,
but these weekly visits are actually about tracking Lin's progress.
Yeah, well, I've got my own news, actually.
Right, well, it's not really a news-sharing forum.
Oh, what is it? Well... Sorry, I've got another visit after this
and then Pilates at five. Yeah. No, I understand that. Yeah.
So, I got in the theatre company and I'm off on tour.
Oh! Oh, that's fantastic, Alma! I know.
I knew you'd be a star.
Didn't I always say that, Lin?
No, never. How long are you going for?
Six months.
Right, fucking great.
What about me?
Oh, for God's sake!
Well, you're doing really well now, Mum.
Am I now? I feel like a battery farm chicken here,
cooped up between these two clucking away with no break.
Yes, it can be draining.
Do you know the most exciting thing that's happened to me
this week is having a buttered crumpet?
It's not been easy for Mum, staying clean and getting back on the grid.
Take yesterday, for example.
An abrupt 7:30 start.
Cock-a-doodle-fuckin'-do. Time to go.
She had to get about a million buses,
which stressed her right out...
..to get her injection.
Hurry up! Then back home
for the daily character assassination.
You slump like Granny Rose.
She ended up with a hunchback.
Do you remember that big hump you used to hang your hats on?
And what's she got to relieve her?
Not any more.
No wonder she keeps having tantrums.
I suppose she'll just have to have another fucking crumpet.
Well, a crumpet sounds lovely to me.
I've not had a carb in six years.
No wonder she's always pissed off.
Look, Lin, I know it's hard,
but we can't be feeling sorry for ourselves, can we? OK?
The longer you keep a clean slate,
the more leverage we'll have to get you rehoused in the future.
Right, I best be off.
I'll be back next week. And, erm,
as interesting as it is to hear about everybody's colourful lives,
I'd like to keep the focus on Lin, please, OK?
All right. Yeah. I'll see myself out.
Bye! Thank you. Thank you very much. Bye. Bye.
She needs to eat a fucking potato, her.
Yeah.
I can't wait.
A national tour, Leanne. Woo!
Look out, Hull, Scunthorpe, Margate - here I come.
Who the bloody hell do you think you are, Coyote Ugly?
Get down off me furniture! Eh, I bought a few bits.
Ooh, get your bits out.
These are my "I'm a star" sunglasses. You know,
for when I'm dealing with the paparazzi.
I think you need to manage your expectations, babe.
I've got some news of my own, actually. Oh, yeah?
Chris has asked me to move in with him. No way.
How are you going to shake that off? Well, I think I'm going to do it.
You're going to move in with him? You've only just met him.
Well, I think it's serious. How could you do this to me, Leanne?
Well, I'm not doing this to you, am I?
We're just ready to take the next step. Oh, my God!
You'll be picking furniture, talking about kitchens.
You'll be having a baby next!
Oh, my God. You'll be inviting me to the baby shower!
Here we go. There'll be no gin.
I'll have to bring my own booze
and talk to your new mum mates about the primal power of
water births and how they think their child is a genius. Oh, God.
I feel sick, I need to lie down.
Oh!
Goodbye, my wild friend,
I'll see you in your late-40s.
Don't be ridiculous, Alma!
I would never have a baby shower without booze.
Anyway, you're the one leaving to pursue your dreams.
You're finally getting out of here.
That's true. I am, aren't I? Yes.
I don't have time for self-pity,
I'm too busy, becoming a star.
Woo!
Star or not, get off me floor!
Oh, shut up, Bill. Fuck you, Leanne.
How could you? How could you do it?!
How could you do such an evil thing?! You disgust me!
Now, that were beltin', wasn't it?
Me bloody top. You all right, Lesley? Look, it's all stretched.
But she really felt it, didn't she?
I did! Yeah, so did my top.
That's why she got into t'theatre company and you lot didn't.
Me mam got me this and everything, it was new.
Oh, shut up moaning, Lesley. It's a minging top, anyway.
I'm looking for me daughter.
She's going to be a star!
Mum, what are you doing?
I've just come to tell you that I'm OK with you abandoning me.
I'll be fine. I'm glad you're following your dreams.
Yeah, no, that's all right.
That's great. I should've been... Yeah... a star meself,
but it's not that easy for all of us. Let's not go into that.
Not when your mum tells the doctor... Oh, no.
..you're a loony-tune just after you've given birth.
Don't need to go into that, I don't think. I had postpartum. Yeah.
That's all it was! Yeah, probably. Come on.
I thought Simon Le Bon
was talking to me through the television. Yeah.
But who didn't? It was the '90s! Yeah.
I still think he might have been. I'm sure he was.
Have you taken anything, Mum?
No. No, I've just had a bit of gin. I just needed it, Alma,
I needed to take the edge off.
OK. Yeah. Right, well, just, you stay there.
Yeah. I'm going to get my stuff.
Yes. Just stay right there. Right. Yeah.
Simon... Simon Le-bloody-Bon,
and his Boomtown Rat, Shakermaker.
Phew.
She's not in.
Right. Great. She's not in.
OK. Ready? Mm.
Oh, you're going the rogue route? Yeah.
Are you sure about that? Yeah.
Good, yeah. Very good.
I'd probably roll at this point.
Just give it a... Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry, Alma.
It's all right, Mum.
But you can't do this again.
We need to stay on track.
You will get rehoused eventually, Mum.
But if you relapse
and they find out, you'll be screwed.
Well, don't leave me, then.
I can't do this without you, Alma.
I know, Mum. It's all right.
You just get some rest.
Mm. Hm.
Given Mum's current situation,
it's probably not the right time to go gallivanting on tour.
But I'm not the first Nuttall woman to put her dreams on hold.
Grandma did it. Where the bloody hell do you think
you're going dressed like that, Joanie? Mind your own.
We could hitchhike to Dover, get a ferry
and travel through France. I want to see the world. I want to
eat a croissant, ride a camel.
And so did my mum.
Oh, shut up! What do you know, eh? What do you know?
Get out... and good riddance!
Oh, for God's sake,
what ARE you wearing? Mind your own.
Don't you talk to me like that, you little madam!
A scholarship to art college,
can you believe it? I'll be whizzing round London, doing me art.
You're not going to fucking art college!
You need a proper job, a proper career.
Oh!
As if!
I think I'm allergic to alcohol.
It's the sulphates.
Sulphates? You had six fishbowls.
This is an allergic reaction, Anthony.
Oh!
I've got the appetite of a truck driver
and the constitution of a Victorian child.
I think you should drink fishbowls more often, me.
You were a right little nympho. Was I? Mm. Oh!
Fabulous! Oh, wow.
My insides are vibrating -
that's not normal, that, is it?
Oh, will you just stop moaning?
Don't swish me, I'll be sick.
I think you're right not to go on this tour, though.
It'd be dead tight on your mum, wouldn't it?
You're a cheeky fuck, aren't you?
What?! I see right through you.
Nah, I just think it's time for us to give it another go.
I'm not with Rachel any more...
..and, well, you're not off gallivanting.
Hm. I want you back, Alma. I need you.
I don't ever want to not have you.
Oh, God.
Do you think you can die from a hangover?
Ooft!
Now, the remaining chefs...
Well, I'm glad you're back. Aw, ta, Trish!
I never liked Rachel anyway.
Yeah, you did, Mum.
You're full of shit, you. No, I didn't,
I'm just a very well-mannered person, me.
Oh, you're a beast, is what you are.
How come you've never got your own cigs?
Cos I've quit. Fuck's sake.
One of the youngest chefs to ever receive two Michelin stars.
Six, seven and woo!
You went a bit fast there, didn't you? Woohoo!
Watch Cheryl - I'm teacher, watch me.
Here we go. One, and two, and three. That's it.
You should've seen her, Leanne.
Pissed out of her head, she was. So I've decided...
..I'm not going to go on the tour.
Fuck! You've got to go!
It's just... it's too much of a risk. Pay attention, girls!
Have you seen her nostrils flare?
That's it.
That's what we are here for, isn't it?
Get those lovely tight, fit bodies, girls.
Oh!
Who you texting?
Erm, just smear results.
All clear, so, just...
Anthony?
You've got to be fucking kidding me!
He's not that bad.
He's a narcissistic predator.
That's not all he is.
He's actually very charismatic and charming.
So was Ted Bundy.
Have you got any oat milk?
Eh?
What's with the plastic cups?
He's not allowed to touch pottery now, only plastic things.
Right. Tea's ready.
OK, let's do this.
One, two, three
and pass.
Two, three. Fantastic, Jim. Well done.
We find the counting really helps him keep a steady hand.
There you go.
So, how have you been?
Bored! I've done fuck all since the last time you came round.
Have you done anything about me housing yet?
As I've explained before, Lin,
this will take time.
So, the board are really supportive of you being
independent at some point.
They just need to monitor your wellbeing
and your progress for a little longer.
What else do they need to fucking monitor?
I'm poked, prodded and plucked every fucking day!
Oh, do you know, the melodrama of my daughter is fucking suffocating me!
Me? You! You've always been a drama queen!
H-How dare you! I'm a wallflower!
Oh, yeah, 'course you are. My mother, the wallflower.
I know what you're about to say, and don't you start!
OK? I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt.
Fuck this! I've had enough! Oh, God!
Mum! Where are you going?
I need to get out of here for a bit, I feel hemmed in.
Everything OK over there?
Yes, fine, thank you, Sandra.
She's a nosy fucking bitch.
Excuse me? It's horrible round here.
Fucking Sandra poking her nose in every five seconds.
And everybody with the same fucking flower beds, one after the other,
because heaven forbid you might mix it up a bit
and try summat different.
Like a bunch of fucking fascists, this lot.
And, yes, that includes you, Sandra!
Same day, every day...
"Ooh, there's my little alarm again.
"I better get me little socks on me little feet
"and go downstairs, AGAIN."
"Hello, Julie." "Oh, hello, Sandra.
"Fancy a cup of tea, Sandra?"
"Oh, go on then, Julie."
"Hang the washing up, Sandra."
"Do the pots, Julie."
"Eh, it's 8pm."
"Nearly time for bed, Julie."
"Oh, thank fuck for that, Sandra."
"Yes, what a relief.
"The day is nearly fucking over.
"Only two hours
"and 40 fucking years to go!"
Oh!
And you're telling me she's on the mend?
Do I need to call the police, ladies?
Fuck off, Sandra.
Sue.
Do you know where my mum is?
Tea Towel Tracy's. Right.
Who's that? Tracy.
One hand.
Wears a tea towel over her stump.
Sells smack on the side.
Lovely.
This one.
Hello, Tracy, can I speak to...?
Charming.
Mum, it's time to go.
I'm not coming back, Alma.
Please, Mum?
You've been doing really well recently.
We're all here to support you.
Don't give up now.
Two days. Just give me two days, Alma.
If you don't come back now, they're going to report you.
I'm... I'm just blowing off a bit of steam, Alma.
You can't be doing drugs, Mum, you know that.
It's Friday night.
Everybody blows off a bit of steam on Friday night.
Crack and smack are not normal ways to blow off steam, Mum.
We all have our vices, Alma.
You drink too much red wine.
I've never locked myself in a bathroom
and screamed at the walls on red wine, Mum.
Not yet.
I'll be back in a couple of days.
No, Mum.
Either you come back now...
..or me and Grandma are going home
and this whole attempt to get you better will have failed.
I'm not prepared to help at the expense of mine
and Grandma's safety and sanity.
You've got to do your bit as well.
I'll give you five seconds.
Mum?
Come on, love.
Let's go home, eh?
She's fucked it, hasn't she?
Yeah.
We came so close.
Everything was there.
A whole team of professionals committed to getting her well.
I know.
It's exhausting.
Well, I've been telling you that for years.
All right, Grandma. It's not an "I told you so" moment.
As soon as she was born, I knew something was wrong with her.
I had that dream just days before. Yes.
The one about the slug. The one where the...
Yeah. Yeah. You gave birth to a giant, evil slug.
I know. It was a message, that dream, Alma.
I just knew.
From... From the moment she arrived,
I knew everything was going to be terrifying.
And it was.
Mm.
Do you know, when someone dies, you can go and put flowers
on their grave and cry and wail and everybody gets it.
You know, people send you commiseration cards and you have
anniversaries and self-contained spaces for your grief.
But with someone like Mum, nobody gets it.
Not even me.
How do you grieve for the living dead?
I never wanted to be a mother.
I never felt maternal.
I never liked babies.
I wasn't interested in children.
Motherhood just happened to me.
I'd have suited being a man much better.
Think you're probably right.
I wish I could've been...
..better at it.
Kinder...
..to you both.
If I'd been in a different place...
If I'd been able to love more...
If I'd have had...
You did your best, Grandma.
I want you to get out of this horrible fucking nightmare.
This hangover of poverty and trauma that's lingered through
the generations of women in our family...
..and taken our dreams from us...
..I want you to be the one that breaks free, Alma.
No fucking pressure then, eh?
You ready? Yeah.
Hello, come in.
Take a seat.
Do you want a drink? Yeah, ta.
Leanne.
What, you got the day off? Yeah.
Right. So, I've decided -
I'm going to go on the tour, Anthony.
You what? Why?
I thought... I thought we spoke about this.
You weren't going to go cos of your mum and stuff. Mm, yes, I know.
You did put in quite a good campaign,
but then I was just thinking to myself,
you know, this bargain-basement offer of love you proposed me...
..I've decided - I don't think it's good enough.
Oh, right!
You have, have you? Right, OK. Yeah, I have.
I mean, I know you've really tried recently to be lovely,
and you have been quite lovely. Hasn't he?
Hm, maybe not.
And you did almost make me forget what a fucking cunt-bag you can be.
Right. OK. Really?
Right. So what I decided to do, is just write down a list, didn't I,
of just a few examples? Yeah, she did.
This is her doing, is it? No, I can write for myself.
Can you? Yeah. Yeah, right, so if...
Can I...? This is... this is fucking baffling, this.
I mean, lists, security on't door.
If you want to dump me, Alma, just do it in a normal way.
I'm not normal, though, am I?
Number one, you shagged my old best mate behind my back.
I was just being friendly.
We got a bit carried away.
A bit too friendly.
Number two, you gave me chlamydia five times.
I practically had a VIP pass to the clap clinic.
Yeah, we spoke about that. I apologised.
Number three.
When we first broke up, you posted naked pictures of me
all over the internet.
Come on, that were funny, though. It got a big woof, that.
No, it was humiliating, and it was abuse.
That's a bit dramatic.
And then you sent a video of us having sex to Leanne's Mum.
Yeah, I was pissed off at the time.
Come on, we've all acted out of anger.
My mum wants to rip your fucking cock off.
Oh, right, ta. She sounds delightful.
I mean, I can't believe I went back when I'm looking at this list,
to be honest. What number am I on now? Fuck knows.
You smashed up nearly every phone I've ever had.
You've pulled out my hair.
SIT THE FUCK DOWN!
You dumped me and knocked up a teenage girl,
and then you dumped her.
You've told me every single day, in one way or another,
that I'm mad, ugly and unlovable.
Do you know what?
I don't want to get stuck here with you. Yeah, all right, fine.
You don't want to go out with me, fine.
Yeah, I know what I am.
Right? I've tried.
I-I've really tried not to be a cunt.
But I am one.
I know.
Can I go now? Yeah.
And I suggest you go back to the mother of your child
and provide them with the love and support that they deserve.
Noted.
Yeah, and don't come back.
Woo! I did it.
I've done it.
I did the whole list and he's gone.
I'm free! You're free!
Yes!
I'm going on tour.