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California Soul
by Marlena Shaw

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00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:08,360
This programme contains
strong language from the start.

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Fabulous.

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Here I am!

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Ready to take on this goddamn town!

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And ready to take on the worl... 
Hey.

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What have YOU come as?

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# It's all in the air
You hear it everywhere

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# No matter what you do
It's gonna grab a hold on you...  #

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Oi!

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Ooh!

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Woo!

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Bolton, baby! I'm back!

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Shit! Where's my suitcase?!

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# Like a sound you hear
That lingers in your ear

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# Ohh...  #

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Shit, it's this way.

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Oh, thank God.

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Oh.

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I've got it.

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Oh, right.

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Fabulous.

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Right... 

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SHE GRUNTS

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Uh... 

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Buh-buh-buh.

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Right... 

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God... 

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SHE SIGHS

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Hello-o-o-o!

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Aha! Rob.

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Hey.

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Brenda. She needs a bit of TLC.

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Man, that is fucked.

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What did you do to it?

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I might've left her
outside a pub for six months.

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CLATTER

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Yeah. You're going
to have to chuck it.

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Oh, poor Brenda.

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I've had her years.

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But, do you know, this is good?

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Because the thing is,
just cos I'm coming back

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doesn't mean
I'm going backWARDS. Yeah.

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New bike, new me.

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It's time to say goodbye to Brenda.

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Right, I need something cheap,
practical, lightweight... 

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ENGINE ROARS, SHE SQUEALS

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I'm back, Bolton!

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Oh!
EXCITED SQUEALING

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THEY WHOOP AND SQUEAL

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Oh-h-h!

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THEY WHOOP

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Ooooh!

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Oh! Oh!

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Aww! Aw! Aw!

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Oh, bloody hell.

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What the bloody hell is that?!

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That's Julie.

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After Walters.

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She's fabulous!

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What are you like? Come on, you.

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DOOR CLOSES

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You been on the wine?

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You look knackered.
It's not the wine -

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it's the sulphates IN the wine.

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Oh, yeah.
Oh, hiya, Jim, are you all right?

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He's very good.

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Look at him, look how
he's flourishing,

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with my love and support,
since your mother left.

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You see that pale jaundice look
he had when he first got here?

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It's almost gone. Mm.

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Spam.

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Oh, no, it's doing him
the world of good.

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I told you it was healing, didn't I?

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We're actually very compatible
living companions.

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You see, it's not like living
with a man with Jim.

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It's more like living with a cat.

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You know, he doesn't speak

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and he just flops around
on different bits of furniture.

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Spam sandwich?

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No. Never.

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I've made you one.
I said I didn't want one.

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Alma, you've got to help me.

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What, er... what do you mean?

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I'm trapped. Eh?

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She won't let me call your mam,

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I'm not even allowed to use
me own kettle.

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Give this letter to your mum
when you see her.

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OK.
What are you two wittering about?

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Nothing.

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Aww, thank you. Mm-hm. Bleurgh!

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Can I pinch a fag?

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No, you can't.

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I've quit. I puff on these now.

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Eh?

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You get the same catharsis as a fag,

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with no harm and a fun little noise.

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TOOT!

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That's too ridiculous.

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Oh... 

101
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So, come on, then, how was it?

102
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I'm not going to say this
to Grandma,

103
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but the tour was shite.

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Thespians
are actually quite irritating.

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VOCAL EXERCISES

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They treat their vocal cords
like pets,

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and are the kind of people
who can eat half a KitKat

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and save the other half for later.

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For a posh theatre company,
getting in diverse talent

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can be quite useful.

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And my staring role
in this mighty production... ?

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Tree number two.

113
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In the silent forest of diversity.

114
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So, on the night
they invited a load of agents,

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I went for it.

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The wind whistled in the trees.

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SHE WHISTLES

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To be fair,
I was a fucking fabulous tree!

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That last show we did
was packed full of agents.

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I'm telling you now, come Monday,

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my phone's going to be ringing
off the hook.

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Bring-bring. Bring-bring.

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TOOT-TOOT!

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Woo!

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# Hey, can you feel it?

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# The way it sways you

127
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# The hum in your chest

128
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# You make my feet move

129
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# You turn my head loose

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# That's why I love you the best. #

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SHE SNAPS FINGERS RHYTHMICALLY

132
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Sorry to bother you again, Claire.

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I'm just very aware, er,
that my visit was at 10am

134
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and it's now 10:45. Well,
they said they'd be here soonish.

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Just take a seat.

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Right. Yes. Take a seat.

137
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Yeah.

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The thing is, I'm just not really
a sitter like that,

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do you know what I mean?

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I'm more of a bobber-up-and-down,
a mover-and-shaker.

141
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I've never been a... .

142
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You know, some people can just... 

143
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Not me. I've never been.

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But, yes.

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I did try and meditate once.

146
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A disaster.

147
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Never try and relax -
it's very stressful.

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DOOR BEEPS

149
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Alma for Lin Nuttal.

150
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Oh, thank God, yes.

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Fabulous. Follow me. Yeah.
Thank you.

152
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Thank you, Claire.

153
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What's YOUR name?

154
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And I've just never been able to
relax. I really haven't.

155
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I think that's probably why I smoke
because I can't sit still.

156
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I can actually watch the telly
stood up.

157
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My whole family are the same.
Very fidgety people.

158
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We do not relax.

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Do you know,
I took E in my 20s?

160
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And it had a surprisingly
mellowing impact on me.

161
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It was like Ritalin for me,
Michelle, honestly, it was fabulous.

162
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I think it's because everybody's
chemically different, aren't they?

163
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But I have a very unusual reaction
to milk.

164
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It's like essential oils -
we're all drawn to different ones.

165
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You know, if you sniff
an essential oil,

166
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the one that draws you in
is the one for you.

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I'm a eucalyptus girl.

168
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But who are you, Michelle?

169
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Anyway, do you know what?
I'm babbling on at you, aren't I?

170
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Am I? I've enjoyed our chat.

171
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Oh, well, you have a sniff
of some essential oils,

172
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I'll be intrigued, Michelle,

173
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to find out what's your thang.

174
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Thank you.

175
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Hello, Mum!

176
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Oh, you're back, are you?!

177
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Welcome to the guinea pig
fucking farm.

178
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The guinea pig you have selected
today is not in the mood to play

179
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cos she's too busy gnawing her arm

180
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and the wire cage
that she has found herself in.

181
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I'm a hamster on a wheel.

182
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Ooh, in her own habitat!

183
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:16,520
Watch the little hamster running
round on her little wheel.

184
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:21,480
And maybe then feed a seed through
an old toilet roll tube... 

185
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Because my mum did a runner
from Grandma's,

186
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,720
breaking her hospital order,

187
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:29,040
she was arrested and ended up
on a medium-secure ward.

188
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I'm not supposed to be here!
I'm sane!

189
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I'm sane as a fucking goose,
for fuck's sake!

190
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She's not the only one
who shouldn't be there.

191
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There's the lovely young Goth, whose
only crime was hurting herself,

192
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Mad Sue, who I hear had started
stealing people's cats

193
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and pretending they were her own,

194
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and a woman called Kenny,

195
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,960
who wears a bob hat all year round

196
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,760
and has a penchant for throwing
cold baked beans at people.

197
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,200
Mum was considered well enough
to leave -

198
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,680
as long as they could find her
somewhere to go.

199
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Which they didn't.

200
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,120
So here she is.

201
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,120
So you can keep your emotional
willow balls

202
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:05,680
and your happy fucking
hay of abandonment!

203
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,960
Well, it's nice to see you too, Mum.

204
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,880
Right, I've got your bits -

205
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,320
I've got your sage, your thyme.

206
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,240
I couldn't get frogs' legs.

207
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,720
Er, so I got you anchovies.

208
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,960
Oh. I mean, what do you want
all this stuff for anyway?

209
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,000
I've got very into witchcraft.

210
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,240
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

211
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,240
Oh, that feels healthy.

212
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,120
You know you're banned
from all that.

213
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,520
What do you mean, banned?

214
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:34,200
Some people are very intimidated
by my cosmic power, Alma.

215
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,480
Right.

216
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,080
And what does that mean?

217
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:41,720
Turns out, Mum was trying to
cast a spell on a support worker.

218
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,080
It wasn't Mum's cosmic power
they were scared of -

219
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,800
more a convicted arsonist
with a lighter.

220
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,480
DOOR BURSTS OPEN

221
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,360
Next minute, she's
in the restraint position

222
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,880
and the staff had called the police.

223
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:54,720
You can't have this.

224
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,320
Eh? Why?

225
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,320
What's wrong with a plant
for her room?

226
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,760
Health and safety.

227
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,560
How's a domestic plant
a health and safety risk?

228
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,680
It's just hospital policy.

229
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:08,160
They can hide a lot of cruelty
behind the word policy, Alma.

230
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,760
Don't worry.

231
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,200
I'll get her later.

232
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,400
Well, that feels sensible.

233
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,640
Hey, I've got a letter from Jim
for you. Oh!

234
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,720
Right, so, what's the plan?
How are you getting me out of here?

235
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,280
Mum, I can't just get you out,
can I? It's a process.

236
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,280
And you just need to focus
on getting well.

237
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,680
This isn't a place to get better,
Alma.

238
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,760
This is a place to get worse.

239
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,880
I'm scared, Alma.

240
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,320
I never know what's going to happen
next here.

241
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,760
And the staff... 

242
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,880
Well, let's just focus
on the positives, yeah?

243
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,640
I mean, your unescorted leave
starts on Friday,

244
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,040
so I'm thinking we hit
the charity shops... 

245
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,200
Ooh, wippy fucking doodah!

246
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,720
I can leave the ward for an hour
without a baby-sitter!

247
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,600
I can get as far
as the charity shop! Ooh!

248
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,400
And then I mince back with my sad
little bag of second-hand trinkets,

249
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,280
just to get them confiscated.

250
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,840
This is for you.

251
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,760
It were Mad Sue's
but she's got too fat for it.

252
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,040
She tried to charge me a tenner
for it.

253
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,880
I said "Sue, you're a beast and
you're never getting out of here,

254
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,680
"I'll take it off your hands
as a favour."

255
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,320
Yeah? Mm... 

256
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,680
Nah.

257
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,920
It actually looked better on Sue.

258
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,120
Oh.

259
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,720
Right... 

260
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,240
Come on, agents... 

261
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:46,560
Ring.

262
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,280
What would you do, Julie?

263
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,240
Right.

264
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,400
OK.

265
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,800
RINGING TONE

266
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,600
Oh, hello there! Er, hi.

267
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,320
My name's Alma. You actually came
to see me in a play on Friday.

268
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,760
RINGING TONE

269
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,000
Oh, hello, you came to see me
in a play.

270
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,640
I was the tree.

271
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:20,920
The... the tree?

272
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,360
Yeah, we were right at the back
to the left.

273
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,240
Well, it's stage right, in't it?
But we were right there.

274
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,880
Yes, I was the tree.

275
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,720
Yeah, no, there were trees.

276
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,040
No, I understand it wasn't a
speaking part

277
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,960
but it was actually very,
very physical.

278
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,720
Yeah, it was VERY physical.

279
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,320
I was knackered.

280
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:42,480
No, I didn't have any words,
but I-I did whistle, actually -

281
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,720
very well.

282
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,840
You probably don't remember
the forest

283
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,120
because we were doing so well
as trees -

284
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,080
but we were there.

285
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,520
Hello?

286
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,840
Oh, great... 

287
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,320
Luckily, I've got another vocation
to fall back on.

288
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,280
SLOW, FUNKY MUSIC

289
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,600
Well, that's why you don't make
your own glory hole -

290
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,040
it's dangerous.

291
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,280
Mm.

292
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,280
I'll call you back, Pete.

293
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,720
Ruby, is it? It is.

294
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,920
Thank you for seeing me.
Well, I'm only seeing you

295
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,040
to tell you it's a big no. Oh!

296
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,440
It's a small little industry, doll.

297
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,040
And you're blacklisted.

298
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,560
Am I?! Why?

299
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,520
Well my old pal Rayray says

300
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,200
you're unreliable,

301
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,680
unprofessional,

302
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,800
you compared one client to a pug,

303
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,400
you regularly ate two puddings
on a dinner date.

304
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,840
Is that bad, is it? You arrived
late, on a bicycle,

305
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,920
to see a client more than once.

306
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,680
You therapized several clients,

307
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,000
to the point where they dealt with
their mother issues

308
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,400
and didn't come back.

309
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,440
And do you remember
your resignation?

310
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,200
Take me off your books and
forget you ever knew me, Rayray!

311
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,640
I'm off to become a star.

312
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,760
And if you DO try and sell my story
to the press, I will sue.

313
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:53,960
Adios!

314
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,120
So it's a no, isn't it?

315
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,880
Definitely.

316
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,160
Yeah. OK. Well, thank you very much.

317
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,560
Bye. See ya.

318
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,360
# Waaaaaaa!
Be whoever you wanna be

319
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,720
# Do whatever you wanna do

320
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,960
# Be whoever you wanna be

321
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,320
# I'll be there with you

322
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,640
# Be whoever you wanna be. #

323
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,640
Oh, my God, she's back!
And she's got new wheels!

324
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,360
THEY SQUEAL EXCITEDLY

325
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,160
Aww!

326
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,320
THEY BABBLE

327
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,320
Oooh, ooh!

328
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,200
Woo! Woo!

329
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,080
Uh-uh-uh-uh, ooh-ooh-ooh.

330
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,720
Ishka manda! Ooh!

331
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,880
Bill, get us some Cheeky Vimtos
and bring 'em to the office.

332
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,960
Office?! Hoo-hoo! Woo!

333
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,080
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Fabulous.

334
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,320
This is incredible. I know.

335
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,280
Who knew a vajazzled lorry that
served Cheeky Vimtos

336
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,240
was what Bolton was calling for?
You did.

337
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,680
A lot's happened to Leanne
since I left.

338
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,800
She read an eye-opening book... 

339
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,000
LEANNE GASPS

340
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,000
The existence of my clitoris
IS proof that God loves me.

341
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,880
..then started saying things like... 

342
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,280
There are so many people
in the world that I want to meet

343
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,520
and sleep with,
why should I settle for one?

344
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,080
I'm not a slut.
I'm an anthropologist, Alma!

345
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,280
Monogamy's like a human tattoo.

346
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,520
I don't want a human tattoo.

347
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,680
You're supposed to love one person
until they cheat,

348
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,240
die or join a cult.

349
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,200
Why?! Then one day... 

350
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,200
We didn't like this old milk,
did we?

351
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,640
Shall we try another?

352
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,520
She walked out of her Friday
big shop

353
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,160
and never came back.

354
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,520
She found herself on some VERY wild
adventures.

355
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,200
And in a game of strip poker
one night... 

356
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,880
..she won herself a lorry... 

357
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,240
Lush.

358
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,560
..did it up... 

359
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,720
..and turned it into the
most fabulous hot-spot in town.

360
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,400
Which wasn't great for Bill.

361
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,840
He works for HER now.

362
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,360
Oh, it's nonstop, though.

363
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,800
Nonstop?! I haven't seen you
bloody start yet.

364
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,960
She's just prancing around
with these bloody things.

365
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,040
Back to the sandwiches! Yes, boss.

366
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,640
Cheers.

367
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,960
Cheers.

368
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,640
So what's going on with you, then?

369
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:15,200
Well, er, I've blown all my money
on a moped - fabulous, though.

370
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,480
And I'm so unemployable that I can't
even get a job as a prostitute.

371
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,600
But I will not be defeated, Leanne!

372
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,680
I didn't want to work
as a prostitute anyway.

373
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,400
The night shifts are too much,

374
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,560
the dayshifts are too weird.

375
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,480
Any man who needs to shag
a prostitute on his lunch break

376
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,160
is not somebody you want to get
involved with, trust me.

377
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,680
I'm fucking glad you're back.

378
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,280
I'm glad I'm back. Cheers

379
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,520
HORN BLASTS

380
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,520
Woo!

381
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,040
HORN BLASTS

382
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,160
I do need to get a job, though.
Mm-hm. Mm.

383
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,120
Right, now, everybody, do this.

384
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,480
And you've got to streamline
your lives.

385
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,560
Just try your best. That's it.

386
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,240
If you can. That's good.

387
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,320
You're doing very well there.
That's it.

388
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,280
Really let go of
all your inhibitions... 

389
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,960
Hello, everyone!

390
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,840
Hello, Alma! Oh!

391
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,480
Listen, this is just a flying visit
from me, post-tour.

392
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,040
I can't stop. I've just come to
offer my skills

393
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,520
as a professional actor. To Ian.

394
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,680
I was thinking maybe
I could be his assistant or... 

395
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,120
Where is Ian?

396
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,880
He's in Las Vegas.

397
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,760
Eh? Didn't you hear?

398
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,600
He did an angry video
about his ex-wife online.

399
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,000
And everybody thought
it was a sketch.

400
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,360
Got retweeted by LADbible.

401
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,320
Oh? Then there was the podcast,
Funny Angry Men,

402
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,000
he did a stand-up tour,

403
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,720
then, hey pesto.

404
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,200
Now he's an international
stand-up comedy star.

405
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,600
Wow.

406
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,200
Blimey.

407
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,080
All that in six months?

408
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,160
That's the power of LADbible.

409
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,560
Mm.

410
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,520
Do YOU need an assistant, Lesley?

411
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,040
Oh, um... 

412
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,240
Hey.

413
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,640
Oh.

414
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:50,840
Brian.

415
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,800
Great.

416
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,280
Aw.

417
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,040
SHE SIGHS

418
00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,560
Ugh.

419
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,320
Dedicated Monkey Talent... ?

420
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:17,240
# One day, you're gonna have
to go on with it

421
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,360
# You're gonna have to live on
with it...  #

422
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,000
Hello. Sorry.

423
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,000
Can I get two lots of chips, up
here, please.

424
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,840
Er, I'm looking for
Dedicated Monkey Talent.

425
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,160
Dave? Yeah.

426
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,040
Yeah, he's through the back.

427
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,520
Through the back?

428
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:38,920
Right, OK. OK, thanks.

429
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,440
Hello. Sorry.

430
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,640
Can I get two lots of chips here?

431
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,960
He's the best magician
this side of the Pennines.

432
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,200
Odd...  I still don't know where that
rabbit comes from,

433
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,400
and I've know him for over 30 years.

434
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,480
Yeah. Listen, Gordon,
my 11 has arrived.

435
00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,480
Yeah, all right.

436
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:00,640
Bye, doll.

437
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,400
Alma?

438
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,840
Yes! Hello!

439
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,440
Thanks so much for coming to see us.

440
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,800
Yeah. Thank you for... 
for having me here, it's lovely.

441
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:14,160
Yeah. So, let me tell you a little
bit about Dedicated Talent Monkey.

442
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,200
So... 

443
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,000
At Dedicated Talent Monkey,
stars are born.

444
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,760
We birth talent... 

445
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,280
..and I sense... 

446
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,240
..I sense I could birth YOU.

447
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,000
Right, OK. Is that... 
that's good, in't it?

448
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,760
I think? So, if you sign with me,

449
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,760
I'm here for the long-haul!

450
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,320
Kenny.

451
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,000
I helped give birth to his baby
in the back of a black cab

452
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,480
in 1987.

453
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,200
Right. Yeah.

454
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,800
Well done.

455
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,920
Derell. Green Man.

456
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,400
Green Man?
From the Green Man Travel advert.

457
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,400
You... you don't remember?
No. You know... 

458
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,440
# Green Man Travel is
an absolute must

459
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,920
# Our Green Man is
the only man to...  #

460
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,160
No, I don't... 

461
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,880
But it put him through rehab.

462
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,240
Yeah.

463
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,600
Oh.. Just clearing out for t'lunch,
Dave. Do you want your scraps?

464
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,320
Tracy, yes, please, thank you.

465
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,680
Wonderful. The highlight of my day.

466
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,240
LOUD CRUNCHING

467
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,240
Oh, they're good.

468
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,520
So, Alma... 

469
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,000
HE CLEARS THROAT
Who is Alma? Tell me about Alma.

470
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,200
Er, yeah, er so... 

471
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,760
I'm a Bolton girl.

472
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,480
With a Helen Mirren energy. Nice.

473
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,480
Very versatile. And, to be honest,
I bring something fresh,

474
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,000
something fabulous which... 

475
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,440
..I don't think Kenny and Derell do.

476
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,640
You're a spunky monkey, aren't you?

477
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:28,880
I am.

478
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,240
Now... 

479
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,200
..if you sign with me,

480
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,240
there is a role that has come in

481
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,000
that I think
you would be perfect for.

482
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,920
Wait, you've got a role already?

483
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,920
Do you know what? Fuck it!

484
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:46,640
I'll do it. I'll sign.

485
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,360
BELL DINGS

486
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,360
Let's do it!

487
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,720
Wonderful.
No, that's great news. Thank you.

488
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,480
So, now,
this is a site-specific piece.

489
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,280
It's a sort of like
a promenade performance.

490
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,880
Right And you will be playing

491
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,000
an elderly woman who passed away in
the 1800s... 

492
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,240
Aw, this sounds fantastic!

493
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,040
Do you know, I've been dying to get
myself stuck into a meaty,

494
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,360
complex role. Fabulous!

495
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,240
BELL TOLLS, SHE SIGHS

496
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,920
 Welcome to Ghouls R Us - the
ghouliest of ghoulish ghost tours.

497
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,360
Please follow me.

498
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,840
You'll be playing
an 18th century ghost.

499
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,040
Your role is to escort people

500
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,880
in t'ghouliest manner possible
round t'tour,

501
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,480
stopping off at each site.

502
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,680
Waaaah! Fuck me!

503
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,800
Just practising.

504
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,680
OK. Well, nice to meet you.

505
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,480
You'll be given a script.
You can ad-lib but please avoid

506
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,560
getting into conversation
with anyone

507
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,880
who seems intoxicated.

508
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,320
Dean - playing ghost butcher.

509
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,840
Pleased to meet you.

510
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,480
Pleased to meet you, Dean.

511
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,960
You'll be popping
out of that coffin,

512
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000
when you hear t'Grim Reaper say... 

513
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,280
SHE SIGHS

514
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,840
..when you hear t'Grim reaper say... 

515
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,240
 Now?

516
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,520
Yes!

517
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,000
Your so-o-oul is mi-i-ine!

518
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,960
Yeah. Very good.

519
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,480
Very, very demonic.

520
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,760
Hi, love. I'm the Grim Reaper
you'll be working with.

521
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,400
But you can call me Grimmy.

522
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,000
Ah! Grimmy, nice touch.

523
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,160
I hope you take this a bit more
seriously than our last host.

524
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,680
What people don't realise is
that we're actually bringing

525
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,360
families together, during promenade.

526
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,360
I'm more than just a
Grim Reaper, I'm a family therapist.

527
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,120
All right, Paul, don't start.

528
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,160
OK...  Oh... 

529
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,800
If, for whatever reason,
t'coffin gets jammed again... 

530
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,840
Again? ..there's an emergency exit.

531
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,920
You click that button... 
AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.

532
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,400
..and roll out of t'back.

533
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,360
In case of a fire, just run.

534
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:54,840
OK, well, that... 

535
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,880
Yeah, that feels sensible,
really, doesn't it? Yeah.

536
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,920
But mind t'wires.

537
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,640
Oh, gosh, is that from... ?

538
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,920
Right. Probably get a good claim in
with that.

539
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,320
Oh, aye. Good.

540
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,480
Good, that's great.
Well, this is good.

541
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,200
Good, great. I mean, it's not... 

542
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,760
..you know, but it is... 

543
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,880
..you know, it's something,
isn't it? So... 

544
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,440
Yeah.

545
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,080
Boo!

546
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,160
Yeah... 

547
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,720
THUNDER RUMBLES

548
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,640
SINISTER MUSIC

549
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,440
No. Shite.

550
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,120
Or... this?

551
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,320
Yeah, I mean, they're both quite
unsettling, to be honest.

552
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:47,440
BELL RINGS
Oooh! Our horror seekers! Finally!

553
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,120
Right, Paul, stop titting about.

554
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,280
Shut t'coffin. Good luck.

555
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:56,920
MOBILE RINGTONE

556
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,720
Oh, God! No.

557
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,240
SHE TUTS

558
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,280
Grandma, I can't talk.
I'm in a coffin.

559
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:06,720
What? A coffin.

560
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,640
Why? Yeah, don't ask.

561
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,240
We need to talk. Yeah, fine.

562
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,640
I'll bring pasties. Bye.
Meat and potato...  Bye. ..for me.

563
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,000
God... 

564
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,880
SPOOKY VOICES ECHO

565
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,480
CHATTER

566
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,280
ECHOING SCREAMS

567
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,880
Your soul is mi-i-ine!

568
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,240
Welcome to hell!

569
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,040
Yeah, shit in here.

570
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,520
Definitely you, that.
Definitely you, dickhead.

571
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,920
Was it me?

572
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,560
Happens all t'time.

573
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,320
BELL RINGS

574
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,320
Round two.

575
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:40,960
I feel quite deflated.

576
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:42,960
DOOR CREAKS

577
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,560
85, 86,

578
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,400
87, 88,

579
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,920
89, 90... 

580
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,920
DOOR CLOSES

581
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,400
91, 92,

582
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,680
93...  Hello-o-o!

583
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,880
Oh, bloody hell.
What have YOU come as?

584
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,600
A ghoul. Don't ask.

585
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,360
Why's Jim got an apple on his head?

586
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,200
Posture. He slumps too much.
Don't you, Jim?

587
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,520
Apparently.

588
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,200
Pasties.

589
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,800
Mm? Come on!

590
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,320
There you go.

591
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,880
Here y'are.
Is this why you got me here?

592
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,120
No. Just to be
a pasty Deliveroo service?

593
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,880
No. I've got something to discuss
actually.

594
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,120
No.

595
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,760
I'm not getting into another long
discussion

596
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,360
about why you've got
five horoscopes.

597
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,080
I do!

598
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,280
I understand the Virgo to Leo thing.

599
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,000
I can even get on board
with the ascending to Scorpio.

600
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,880
But you can't claim Taurus and Libra
just cos they feel "more you".

601
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,520
Don't undermine
what I feel cosmically, Alma.

602
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,200
I've been here before. Who knows
what star sign I was in a past life?

603
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,080
Come on, Jim! Jim?

604
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,160
MUFFLED CHATTER

605
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,960
Jim, do I or do I not have a Taurus
the Bull energy in the morning?

606
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:51,560
Mum?!

607
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,280
Lin?! What the fuck are you doing?!

608
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,840
Yes, it's me!

609
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,440
I've come to take him back

610
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,120
because he's mine!

611
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,200
Jim! Get out of that van now!

612
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,800
Right now! Come on.

613
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,600
SHE CLICKS TONGUE

614
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,600
Come on. Ch-ch-ch-ch!

615
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:10,880
Pss-pss-pss. I'm not a pet!

616
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,200
I'm a person!

617
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,040
Oh. Drive!

618
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,040
ENGINE STARTS

619
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:16,720
TYRES SCREECH

620
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,760
Oh... 

621
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:22,880
What a clusterfuck.

622
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,320
Oh... 

623
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,640
Bloody hell.

624
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,280
Are you all right, Grandma?
I thought... 

625
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,120
I thought we were having
a nice time.

626
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,560
Thought he was happy here.

627
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,520
He's a schizophrenic who's in love
with a drug addict.

628
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,680
I mean,
who knows what makes him happy?

629
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,360
What the fuck has she done that for?

630
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:46,760
Alma... 

631
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:49,920
I need to tell you something.

632
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:53,000
But don't go all flappy on me,
like you do.

633
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,560
Why, what is it?

634
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,320
Right, I went to the doctor's... 

635
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,360
..um, a bit ago,

636
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,600
and I had my bloods done,

637
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:02,920
scans.

638
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:05,960
I've got cancer. Lung.

639
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,520
What? I've got cancer.

640
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:16,400
Well... how bad is it? What... what... 
what stage is it?

641
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,880
Oh, God.
I'm not getting into that now.

642
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,760
Well, what... what do we do now?

643
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,120
What do you mean, what do we do now?

644
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,520
We don't do anything now.
That's it, finished, done.

645
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:27,680
SHE CLEARS THROAT

646
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,920
The doctor said it was one of the
biggest tumours he'd ever seen.

647
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,640
He said it was almost impressive.

648
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,560
I don't think that's something
to brag about, Grandma.

649
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,760
I should've been here.

650
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,080
I should've come back.

651
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,880
Why didn't you tell me?

652
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,280
Oh, come on. Lighten up.

653
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,200
You look as white as a ghost.

654
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,760
SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

655
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,560
Come on.

656
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,200
TOOT!

657
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,800
What, you want me
to start smoking these now, do you?

658
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,160
Great.

659
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:03,640
LOW HONK

660
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:07,800
Come on. It's going to be fine.

661
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,160
You're mad.

662
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:10,200
TOOT!

663
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:12,920
TOOT!

664
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,400
SHE COUGHS

665
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,520
TOOT!

666
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,920
# I notice a lot

667
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:24,880
# The world is a silent place

668
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:29,000
# Where talking never stops

669
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:35,640
# Tracing your hand,
it all seems so far away

670
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:40,480
# When our heads are in the sand

671
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,120
# Time is eroding

672
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:50,200
# But I see the magic
in the moment...  #