1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,960 Hmm. # When I think about what you've become... # 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,480 Becoming Grandma's carer meant 3 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,800 running around after her like a disgruntled butler. 4 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,520 And the main side effect of radiotherapy 5 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,800 seems to be treating your butler like a cunt. 6 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,080 Here you go. 7 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,680 It's burnt. 8 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,640 But you can't tell a sick person to fuck off, can you? 9 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,400 No problem, Madame. 10 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:22,840 I'll make you another one. 11 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,120 Hmm. 12 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,520 # When the radio plays... # 13 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,640 After weeks of radiotherapy, 14 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,600 medications, X-rays, scans, waiting rooms, 15 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,520 waiting rooms, more waiting rooms, 16 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,040 reassuring smiles, disappointing crumpets 17 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,280 and daytime telly, 18 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,480 the cancer went from this... 19 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,200 ..to this. 20 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,600 So we celebrated. 21 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,000 She's still refusing chemo, but I'll win her round. 22 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,600 Doctors call Grandma a medical marvel, 23 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,240 which, of course, she's not stopped bragging about. 24 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,440 The biggest one they'd ever seen, Sharon. 25 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:53,960 Now... 26 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,240 ..half the size. 27 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,600 And do you know who did that? 28 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,080 The oncologist? 29 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,560 Me! I did it with my fungal toe last year. 30 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,560 I sat down with it and I said, 31 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,120 "You and I are going to have words. 32 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,480 "Oh, yes, you're very big, aren't you, 33 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,560 "yeah, yeah, you're very impressive. 34 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,960 "Yeah, well you can fuck off!" 35 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,320 Now? 36 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:14,520 This big. 37 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,680 So I didn't have to spend a eight gruelling weeks looking after you 38 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,440 cos you could've just told it to fuck off, of course? 39 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,120 I was very stoical, Sharon. 40 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,400 Oh, yeah. 41 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,720 And now my stint as a bag-carrying butler's come to an end, 42 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,440 I've got a bit more spare time. 43 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,520 Lovely to meet you. 44 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,080 Can I take your number? 45 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,000 Let's not ruin a good thing, Leo. 46 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,520 Bye, darling. 47 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,520 And it's not just Tinder I've being scrolling, 48 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,280 it's the job pages, too. 49 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,720 Bolton's viral sensation, 50 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,440 Angry Ian, is back in town and hosting classes. 51 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,480 Ian will make you a comedy star. 52 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,000 Fabulous. 53 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,120 No! 54 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,320 No, no, no, no! 55 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,600 How you hold a mic says a lot about you as a comic. 56 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,120 Too floppy, Eileen. 57 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,880 Brian, are you talking through your nipple? 58 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,240 What's it doing down there? 59 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,400 Denise, have you eaten your microphone? 60 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,320 I don't know. 61 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:18,400 Have another. 62 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,800 Aloha! 63 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,400 You're back, Ian! 64 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,880 Bloody hell fire! 65 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,360 Listen, I want to join your class. 66 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,080 I've been thinking, "Why wait around for casting calls?" 67 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,480 I want to try stand-up. 68 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,280 I mean you're an inspiration, Ian. 69 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,920 If you can go viral, anybody can. 70 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,640 Rude. 71 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,480 Well, welcome back. 72 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,920 Come in, sit down. Thank you. Oh, eh. 73 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:41,920 Here, grab a carrot. 74 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,040 Fabulous. Thank you. Just in time. 75 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,280 Cos today we're going to be talking about your USPs. 76 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,680 What's a USP, class? 77 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,920 Is it a hard drive? 78 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,200 No, it's not a hard drive, Lesley. 79 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,840 USP, unique selling point. 80 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,080 Yeah? 81 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,560 The question you need to ask yourself is this. 82 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,760 What makes you stand out from the rest? 83 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:09,680 Lesley, your low self-esteem makes you a terrible judge of character. 84 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,440 You should write about being catfished four times in six weeks. 85 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,320 And maybe, if you're bold enough, 86 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,000 you should write about you catfishing Kevin. 87 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,040 Denise, you write about your strange relationship with the carrot. 88 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,560 Yeah? 89 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,080 I mean, me, married and divorced in one lockdown. 90 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,080 Cruel wife, even crueller mother. 91 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,840 Finally embraced my rage on t'internet, 92 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,080 and bam! 93 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,400 There it is, 94 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,680 my unique selling point. 95 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,320 Is that unique? 96 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,040 I thought a lot of men were doing that on the internet? 97 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,280 No, look. 98 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,280 I'll leave you with this question, class. 99 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,120 Who are you? 100 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,200 I don't know who I am, Ian. 101 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,920 # Look at him with his dog-dirt eyes 102 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,040 # Look at him with his dog-dirt eyes! 103 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,400 # Look at her with her rabbit's fur teeth 104 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,320 # Look at him with his dressing gown nose... # 105 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,080 I've come for me cheeky Vimto. 106 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,680 # Look at him, look at him, look at... # 107 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,040 Why am I looking at a line of bare arses? 108 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,560 We're re-auditioning for Chaps Tuesday. 109 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,040 Two of the lads have quit. 110 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,680 Doris has been banned. 111 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,040 She's a fucking menace. 112 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,160 Oh, right. 113 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,080 Let's have a look. 114 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,000 Well, I mean, 115 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,640 number four's clearly the star of this show. 116 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960 Mm. 117 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,920 Number three's quite flat. 118 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,920 Number three, you can go. 119 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,240 Sorry. 120 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,280 What's my USP? 121 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,600 Eh? 122 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,480 Ian says we need something sellable and unique about us. 123 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,480 What would mine be? 124 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,440 Mannerisms of a truck driver. MOBILE PHONE RINGS 125 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,280 Innate sex appeal of Debbie Harry. 126 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,120 Thanks, babe. You're welcome. 127 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,920 Hello. What is mine? 128 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,400 I don't know, babe. 129 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,600 Right, OK. Now... 130 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,000 ..I'm leaning towards four. 131 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,640 I like an arse you can take a nap on. 132 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,000 Mm. 133 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,840 It's number one all day for me. 134 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,720 Guess who's dead. 135 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,680 What? No. 136 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,640 Alice. 137 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,000 Oh, no! 138 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,640 Who the fuck is Alice? 139 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,680 My mother. 140 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,120 Ta, girls! 141 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,520 Great Granny Alice used to babysit me every Friday night, 142 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,400 when Grandma would fuck off to Mondo's. 143 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,080 She wasn't much of a hugger. 144 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,480 She wasn't much of a talker either. 145 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,960 So, at Christmas-time, nobody would know how pissed she was 146 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,560 until she fell off her chair. 147 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,840 Alice Nuttall was born here 148 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,480 in 1934. 149 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,200 As part of slum clearance, 150 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,760 she moved here and never left. 151 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,520 She spent her life surrounded by babies and bedbugs, 152 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,400 and was absolutely fuming about it. 153 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,000 She went through one world war, 154 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,920 one marriage, four births, 155 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,360 five miscarriages, 156 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,520 43 physical fights with her children 157 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,320 and 50,000 slices of Warburtons extra toastie loaf with jam on. 158 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,360 I think she might have been a bit of a bitch. 159 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,920 But I adored her. 160 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,360 The problem with a parent dying is you have to see all the arseholes 161 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,920 you've spent a lifetime trying to avoid. 162 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,880 Grandma's one of four kids 163 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,760 and none of them came out unscathed, 164 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,400 from the wrath of Alice and poverty. 165 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,800 SHOUTING AND HEAVY METAL MUSIC 166 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,520 Well, I'm actually looking forward to seeing everyone. 167 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,040 It's been quite isolating being your butler. 168 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,640 And Mum's no use nor ornament. 169 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,800 I don't do sick people. 170 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,400 We didn't see you for weeks. 171 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,040 Oh, sorry, we haven't got time for a pity party, Alma. 172 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,320 Right, gifts! 173 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,920 Oh, no more gifts, Lin, please! 174 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,480 No-one enjoys this compulsion 175 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,800 for forcing strange gifts on people, you know. 176 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,120 Oh, I am so comfy. 177 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,240 Scabby Joe's is comfy, Jim. 178 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,520 I've made it dead homely, candles everywhere. 179 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,360 Oh, great. More fire. 180 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:13,600 Very relaxing. 181 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,200 Oh, I do like that. 182 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,520 I thought you would. 183 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,040 Oh, yeah. 184 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,400 That's nice. 185 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,680 It's got someone's stuff in it. 186 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,240 Oh. 187 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,160 Who's Debra Wilson? 188 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,360 Oh, for God's sake, Lin, it's all stolen again, isn't it? 189 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,320 Just cos it's second-hand doesn't mean it's not gifted with love. 190 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,400 Second-hand is not the same as stolen, Lin! 191 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,080 DOORBELL RINGS 192 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,560 Oh, God, it's Evie! 193 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:43,640 Fuck. 194 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,400 I'm going to need a pipe in the garden before I see that crow again. 195 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,200 Whatever you do, don't mention my cancer to Evie. 196 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,720 She'll be so smug I got it before her. 197 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,000 Will she, though? 198 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,120 Yeah. 199 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,760 She will be. 200 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000 This is Grandma's youngest sister, 201 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,320 evil Auntie Evie. 202 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,320 She's had five face lifts, 203 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,680 been done for fraud, arson and robbery, 204 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,320 and she's the only person I know 205 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,560 who's successfully managed to sue the NHS three times. 206 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,880 When she found out Granny Alice had dementia, 207 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,480 she'd steal her belongings and sell them back to her. 208 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:27,720 I like that! 209 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,880 I knew you would. 210 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,200 20 quid? 211 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,880 You look rough. 212 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,280 How many men have you embezzled to get that face? 213 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,640 Who's this? 214 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:37,880 Oh! 215 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,560 Just a new friend. 216 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,400 I'm looking after him for a bit. 217 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,040 Oh, hiya, Alma, love. 218 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,560 Hiya, Evie. 219 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,920 Oi! 220 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,440 Some pocket money from your favourite Auntie. 221 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:52,960 Oh, thanks. You're... 222 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,920 ..eczema's cleared up, hasn't it? 223 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,720 Well, about ten years ago. 224 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,360 How old are you now? 225 00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,760 40? 226 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,880 I can't tell if she's being a dick or not. 227 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,040 No-one can. 228 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,200 She's not moved her face since the late '80s. 229 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,520 COUGHING 230 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,520 Do you want to come in? 231 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,720 Thank you. 232 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,560 Oh, it's pokier than I remember. 233 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,120 But, mind you, my farmhouse is so big. 234 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,040 "Farmhouse"? Since when? 235 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,280 It's been ready for two months now. 236 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,000 Is it Don's farmhouse you're staying at? 237 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,160 Yeah. It is. 238 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,640 Well, ding dong, the witch is dead, eh? Yeah. 239 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,240 Don't be mean, you two. 240 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,760 I loved Granny Alice. 241 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,080 Sentimentality is a mental illness, Alma. 242 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,280 Mmm. 243 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,520 DOOR CLOSES 244 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,800 Here she is. 245 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,080 GROANING 246 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,160 Oh, God. 247 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,960 Oh, Joany! 248 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,160 Grandma's Sister, Auntie Ange. 249 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,240 Heart of gold but a lot going on. 250 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,360 We first realised she was struggling 251 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,520 when she started knitting clothes for the hamster. 252 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,160 She's stopped that now, 253 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,160 but she still talks at double speed 254 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,240 and finishes most sentences in tears. 255 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,760 I'm not going to let it happen again to another hamster, I promise. 256 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,520 Oh! 257 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,680 It's just awful, 'in't it? Yeah. 258 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,240 Oh, Alma! Hello. Hi. 259 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,240 It's so sad, 'in't it? 260 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:24,120 Oh, is this... ? Is this your coat, Alma? It's lovely that, 'in't it? 261 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,840 Do you like it? Er, yeah, I like my coat, Ange. 262 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,240 Oh, put it on for me. 263 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,320 Eh? Yeah, go on, let's have a look. 264 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,600 Oh, right, OK. 265 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,840 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I can see you like your coat, Alma. 266 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,440 Yeah, give us a twirl. 267 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,680 Yeah. 268 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,960 Yeah, you look cosy, warm and dead stylish in it. 269 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:44,000 Having a coat, it's so important, 'in't it? 270 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,880 I got me mum a lovely new coat just before she... 271 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,080 Oh! 272 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,800 Fuck me, Ange! 273 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,880 Straight in with the performance of the year! 274 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,440 Don't you start on me! 275 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,480 I will not have you stepping on my grief. I loved my mum. 276 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,240 Oh, no, how could we forget? 277 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,320 Everything had become about you - YOUR mum, YOUR grief. 278 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,920 Ooh, what's all that? 279 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,680 Get your mucky paws out of there. 280 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,040 Oh, it's our Lin. 281 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:11,000 Hiya, love. Oh, you poor love. 282 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,400 You've had a terrible time of it, haven't you? You poor lamb. 283 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,480 You've really suffered, haven't you? SHE'S suffered?! 284 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,280 It's not been easy, Ange. 285 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,240 You know what a dragon my mum is. 286 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,760 She drives you to drugs, to be honest. 287 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,520 All right, cockers? 288 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,000 Uncle Dickie, 289 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,840 life and soul of the party, and my favourite. 290 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:31,080 Funnier than Peter Kay and smarter than Fred Dibnah. 291 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,720 Never spoke about his feelings until he turned 50 292 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,120 and started quietly crying by the back door. 293 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,880 She never loved me, my mother. 294 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,960 Hey, uncle Dickie! 295 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,560 Hey! Eh, watch me hands, watch me fags! 296 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,800 Oh, hiya, Dick. 297 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,120 Bloody hell, Joany! 298 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,400 You look more and more like Dad every time I see you. 299 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,640 Look at her. 300 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:52,960 It's Dad wi' tits! 301 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,360 THEY LAUGH 302 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,320 Yes, she's always had very mannish features. 303 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:57,680 Yeah, so did you, once. 304 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,560 You do look good, Evie. Course she does. 305 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,080 She's had four thread lifts. 306 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,200 She's got the face of a drawstring purse! 307 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,480 DOORBELL RINGS AND LAUGHTER 308 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,280 Right, that's going to be the funeral director. 309 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,400 Right, and before we start, 310 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,960 no monologues from you today, Ange! 311 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,560 Right? 312 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,240 She loved green and gold. 313 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,640 Whenever I went to the charity shop, 314 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,800 I'd always be searching for anything green and gold. 315 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,560 And whatever it were, 316 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,360 if it were green and gold, 317 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:26,720 I'd get it for her. 318 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,920 Cos I knew... she'd just love it. 319 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,240 It were her colours, you see, 320 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,320 green and gold. 321 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,760 Oh, I'm going for a fag. 322 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,160 I can't just sit here, 323 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,440 listening to you waffling on, Ange. 324 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,640 Well, the coffins don't come in that particular colour combination, 325 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,600 but, erm, we could have something custom made. 326 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,600 Brilliant. That sounds expensive. 327 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,360 What's your cheapest coffin? 328 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,560 Oh, that would be this one. 329 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,160 "Earth's Embrace." 330 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,720 Very reasonable and biodegradable. 331 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,160 I don't want mum in a shoe box! 332 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,000 Could bob a few patterns on it, Ange. 333 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,600 I'm a dab hand with a lathe. 334 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,160 Can we not just pop her in a plastic bag and be done with it? 335 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,640 Oh! Let's just pay for it. 336 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,240 Where's Mum's card? 337 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,240 Thank you. 338 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,960 There we are. If you'd just like to put your pin in, please. 339 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,840 It's 2-0-5-9. 340 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,640 So, will there be a church service? 341 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,160 Nope. 342 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,760 Evie can't go into a church, she'll set on fire. 343 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,000 Oh, I'm afraid that's been declined. 344 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,720 Do you have another card maybe? 345 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,240 What have you done? 346 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,640 I might have skimmed a little bit off the top to pay for my new nose. 347 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,600 It's what mum would've wanted. 348 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,920 She always said I had a deeply unfortunate nose. 349 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,600 You'll go to hell, you will, Evie! 350 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,240 I'll see you at the bar, Joany! 351 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,840 You're a bitch, you, Evie! 352 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,600 Oh, woof, woof, woof! 353 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,000 Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! 354 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,440 Oh, shut up, the pair of you! 355 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,000 Don't you tell me what to do, bitch! 356 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,720 Don't you tell me what to do, bitch! 357 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,600 Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof! 358 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,520 Woof, woof, woof! Woof! 359 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,960 THEY ALL BARK 360 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,840 Can everyone just stop barking at each other? 361 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,080 I can see this is a difficult time. Yeah. 362 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,880 I'll give you a ring. 363 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,600 Are you all right, Mum? 364 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,000 Joany? 365 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,960 Oh. Here she goes with the performing antics again. 366 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,160 Fuck off, Evie, she's got cancer! 367 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,400 Lin! What? What? 368 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,360 What? "Cancer"?! 369 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,080 I thought you looked rough. 370 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,480 Get that smug grin off your shovel of a face. 371 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,000 Oh, Joany. 372 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,560 You were so full of hope and possibility as a child. 373 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,560 You had your whole life ahead of you 374 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,160 and then it just went... 375 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,560 FARTING NOISE 376 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,080 And now it's over. 377 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,720 Who put 50p in t'knobhead? 378 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,120 She's not dead, Ange. 379 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,360 Not yet, anyway. 380 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,920 Oh, you'll be dead before me if you keep carrying on. 381 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,320 What can we do for t'help? 382 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,040 Well, she won't do the chemo. 383 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,560 Oh, Alma! 384 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,040 I'm sorry. Why the bloody hell not? 385 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,720 Classic Joan. Stubborn to the bitter end. 386 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,160 Oh, just shut up, all of you, just stop it! 387 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,920 Just stop it, all of you. 388 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,640 In fact, I want you out. 389 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,680 I want you out right now! 390 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,600 I want you all out now! 391 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,080 And that is my bag! 392 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,920 Well, technically, it's Debra Wilson's. 393 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,480 Out! 394 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,600 Shoo! Shoo! All of you, out! 395 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,840 No! Hey! You're not kicking us out again. It's not Christmas. 396 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,280 We need for t'talk about this as a family 397 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,440 Not you, Don. 398 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,040 Fine, if you don't go I will! 399 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,600 Hey, it's your house! Yeah. 400 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,560 DOOR SLAMS 401 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,280 Well, that's the first time she's kicked herself out of the house. 402 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,720 THEY GIGGLE 403 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,640 I've got an idea. 404 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,320 I know where we can get a coffin. 405 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,320 Mum, we're going to need your cat burglary skills. 406 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:04,960 Together The Better Altitude Music And Bea Parks 407 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,680 Oh, God, not the alien abduction chat again. 408 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,120 As I've said before, 409 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,400 why the would they come to Bolton and abduct you lot? 410 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,680 Rhesus D negative blood group! 411 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,160 Very rare, us lot. 412 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,520 Told ya. 413 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,040 I was just walking home when I had mine. 414 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,680 Saw t'flyin' saucer. 415 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,280 Next minute, I were being beamed up. 416 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,640 ALMA SCOFFS 417 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,960 What time were this? 418 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,240 It was after 11, clubs had shut. 419 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,800 I was on the way home from the dentist when I had mine. 420 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,480 I'd just had a root canal. 421 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,200 They've never bothered with me. 422 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,840 I've been trying to make contact for years. 423 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,640 It's because you're too dull, Ange! 424 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,120 They'd be bored in half an hour with you. 425 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,120 Oh, they're here. 426 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,320 Why have they took the sign? 427 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,960 I said, "Just the coffin." 428 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,040 Hello, Mum. 429 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,440 THEY LAUGH 430 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,440 Oh, fantastic. 431 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,000 CHEERING 432 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,600 To Mum's cat burglary skills! 433 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:10,920 And to Alice! 434 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,840 Cheers! 435 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,120 # Enjoy yourself 436 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,400 # It's later than you think 437 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,760 # Enjoy yourself 438 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,000 # While you're still in the pink 439 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,160 # The years go by 440 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,880 # As quickly as you wink 441 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,000 # Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself 442 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,160 # It's later than you think. # 443 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,760 Turns out he wasn't a Prince. 444 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,040 I'm still paying off the loans 445 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,840 and I still live in Bury. 446 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:50,160 That's more of a sad statement, than a joke, though, Lesley. 447 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,800 Mm? Right. 448 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,440 Alma, you're up next. Oh. 449 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,480 Woo! 450 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,400 I like to start with a tit shake. 451 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,160 I just feel it relaxes people. 452 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,600 Yes, go on, Lesley. 453 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,520 Right... 454 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,280 So, I'm from Bolton - 455 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,080 the place where people eat kebabs for breakfast. 456 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:19,960 No? OK. 457 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,080 Um... 458 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,000 You don't have to get dressed when you go out in Bolton. 459 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,960 My local chippy's like the nightwear section of a Matalan catalogue. 460 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,880 Um, er... 461 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,680 People think that Northerners are friendly. 462 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,360 We're not, are we? 463 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,000 We're just fucking nosey. 464 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,280 Right, apart from being slightly offensive, 465 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,880 it's all a bit dull, Alma. Right. 466 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,000 Is that really what's unique about you? 467 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,960 Being a big-titted, ginger northerner? 468 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,840 There's nothing wrong with being a big-titted ginger northerner. 469 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,480 Small-breasted women can actually be very cruel. 470 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,520 That checks. 471 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,080 My ex-wife, tiny tits. 472 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,800 We seem to be getting a bit off track. Can we just... ? 473 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,480 Yeah, sorry. 474 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,400 I need to know more about you. 475 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,680 Mm-hm. Mm-hm? 476 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,280 Like my new stand-up show... 477 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,760 My new stand-up show, 478 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,440 Washing Up Alone Again, 479 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,000 is very raw, 480 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,880 very personal. 481 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,240 And that honesty is where you'll find the humour, too. 482 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,840 Well... 483 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,840 ..not in Lesley's case, obviously. 484 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,160 Grandma! 485 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,440 Where are you? 486 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,680 The taxi's waiting! 487 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,680 Hello? 488 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,200 You can't just let yourself in unexpectedly. 489 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,520 I could have been having an orgy in here. 490 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,240 In that? 491 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,080 Could do. On the day of your mother's funeral? 492 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,920 SIGHS 493 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,920 What do you want? 494 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,400 I've come to pick you up, haven't I? Why are you not dressed? 495 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,920 I'm not going. 496 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,080 It's your mum's funeral, Grandma! 497 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,680 Oh, God. 498 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,360 I'm swamped. 499 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,960 Why are you doing this? 500 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,720 Cos I don't want to go. 501 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,560 Well, what about everybody else? 502 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,080 Uncle Dickie, Mum, Ange, me. 503 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,440 We all want you to go. 504 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,440 I don't know why you're bothering. 505 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,280 Because it's nice to bother. 506 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,760 It's nice to see people. 507 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,440 It's nice to feel part of a family. 508 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,040 Listen, I know you've got your issues with everyone but 509 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,360 they're not the enemy that you make them out to be. 510 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,720 Ange is actually quite sweet and kind. 511 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,960 Uncle Dickie's hilarious and adores you. 512 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,280 Yeah, Evie's a bitch, but if you watch your handbag, 513 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,520 she's actually quite fun to get pissed with. 514 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,200 Everybody cares. 515 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,880 Everyone wants you to do the chemo. 516 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,440 Oh, don't start with that! 517 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,760 Fine. 518 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,480 Well, I'm going to go. 519 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,840 You only get one chance to say goodbye to your mum. 520 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,280 Don't miss it. 521 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,480 SHE SIGHS, DOOR CLOSES 522 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,720 CHURCH BELLS RING 523 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,200 Where's Mum? She's not coming. 524 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,640 Oh, quelle surprise! 525 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,920 Mum, you can't wear a cape to your grandma's funeral. Take it off. 526 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,720 And, Jim, why are you dressed as a skeleton? 527 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,440 Well, didn't have owt black. 528 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,320 We got 'em from Ghouls R Us. 529 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,360 Great! 530 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,480 CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS 531 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,800 CLEARS THROAT 532 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,280 Anna Nuttall. 533 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,480 Alice. 534 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,920 Sorry. 535 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:39,360 Alice Nuttall... 536 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,320 ..was a kind mother. 537 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,520 Locking me in t'coal shed, what's kind about that? 538 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,000 Alice Nuttall was a mother. 539 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,520 Barely. 540 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,160 Alice Nuttall was a human being. 541 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,280 Hmm, we're not sure about that either. 542 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,320 Hiya, Joany. 543 00:21:58,320 --> 00:21:59,680 Budge up, Jim. 544 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,240 Come on, Mum. 545 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,120 I'm guessing she was a complex woman... 546 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,600 ..from the heckles. 547 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:10,920 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 548 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,200 I've, um, written a poem I'd like to read, actually. 549 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,160 No, Ange, nobody wants to hear it. 550 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,400 Yeah, not right now, Ange. Sorry. 551 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,560 And let us remember her undeniable spirit 552 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,960 Will live on in our hearts. 553 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,600 Thank you. 554 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,720 Mum, what the fuck? 555 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,320 Yeah, he learnt to play when he was inside, 556 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,640 but he can only do it when he's one of his other personalities. 557 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,160 This is Tim. 558 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:04,400 # Ave 559 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:11,880 # Maria... # 560 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,920 Goodbye, Mother. 561 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,400 Bye, bitch. 562 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,880 Pipe down, you. 563 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,600 Bye, Mother. 564 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,840 You cold, ruthless hag. 565 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,640 Just wish I could see her one last time. 566 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:50,920 THUD 567 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,240 SCREAMING 568 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,960 Well, that's a terrifying moment we'll never forget. 569 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,440 I need a shot of whisky. 570 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:05,880 Me, too. 571 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,720 Through the eye. Yeah. 572 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,720 It's just strange to think... 573 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,960 ..that woman... 574 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,840 ..that mother of mine... 575 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,680 ..mighty mean woman... 576 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,440 ..could fit into such a small box. 577 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,600 That whole person. 578 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,600 Her whole life. 579 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,840 Her whole terrible impact on all of us. 580 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,280 I know. 581 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,320 I'm going to do the chemo, Alma. 582 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,160 I'm not ready to be in a tiny box. 583 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,560 No. 584 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:12,960 Great. 585 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,760 Yep. 586 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,400 Yep. 587 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,320 Come on, let's go and have a whisky. 588 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,400 Well, yeah, or a virgin... whisky, considering what we've just... No. 589 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,720 Don't be daft. Come on. OK. 590 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,840 LAUGHTER 591 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:34,320 Oh, I don't know. 592 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,560 Locking us in the coal shed was your way of showing love. 593 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,320 Who's on t'whiskies? 594 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,120 And we're better people for it, so keep watching us... 595 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,600 Ange, you're making me want to die sooner! Please! 596 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,000 We've buried our mother today 597 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,960 and this poem is the worst thing that's happened. 598 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,800 I won't let them slag you off, Mum. 599 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,600 Thank you for being a mother to Evie, Joan, Dickie and me. 600 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,400 CHEERING 601 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,600 More! More! 602 00:25:58,240 --> 00:25:59,560 She did. 603 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,040 Hey, Joany, Joany. 604 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,480 I'm just telling... What's your name again sorry? Jim. 605 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,760 Jim. I'm just telling Jim about, er our Kev's wedding, when me Mam came. 606 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,000 Oh, bloody hell! 607 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,440 We were all ten sheets to t'wind by this point, yeah. 608 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,160 Mum's in t'wheelchair, weren't she, wi t'blanket on her legs? 609 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,360 And, er, we'd done about ten conga's round her. 610 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,600 And she'd become t'drunken mascot for t'night. 611 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:22,480 Yeah. Yeah, reluctantly! Oh, of course, yeah. 612 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,840 And that bloody song comes on, didn't it? 613 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,200 Eh? So I pushed her into t'middle of dance floor, 614 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,440 I'm spinning her round, 615 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,080 there's this massive circle of pissheads all round her, 616 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,720 chanting t'chorus, you remember? 617 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,480 "Alice, Alice... " 618 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,680 "Who the fuck is Alice?!" 619 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:38,720 LAUGHTER 620 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,120 And then she turns round she looks up at me and she goes... 621 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:43,440 "I don't know." 622 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,280 You remember? 623 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,560 Daft bugger's face were a bloody picture! 624 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:51,760 Bloody picture. 625 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,280 She got dementia just after that, didn't she? 626 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,560 Yeah. 627 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,000 Yeah, she did, yeah. 628 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,320 Very sad. 629 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,000 I tell you what, Leanne, these are phenomenal. You've nailed it. 630 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,440 You heard them lot. 631 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:11,960 But the thing is with you, Ange, 632 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,840 is that you're too boring to be loved. 633 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,240 It's true though, isn't it? 634 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:18,800 I mean, look at Evie. 635 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,840 She's a horrible person, 636 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,400 with a wretched soul, 637 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,120 but she's been married three times. Why? 638 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,120 Skills, Joany. 639 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:28,640 Oh! 640 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,360 That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen. 641 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:36,800 No, no, because she knows that a story has a beginning, 642 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,960 a middle and an end, right? 643 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,560 Which is something that's been lost on you since birth, Ange. 644 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,360 Watch out, Ange, Joany's on t'two-bottle turn. 645 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,880 I'm right. 646 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,520 Well, I might not be a storyteller 647 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,360 but at least I weren't cursed with dad's chin like you lot. 648 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,280 Go on, Ange! 649 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,160 Do you know, I've worked out what my USP is. 650 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:56,800 It's this mad lot, 'in't it? 651 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,840 I come from a long line of eccentric Boltonians. 652 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,680 I mean, look at 'em. 653 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,520 MUSIC STARTS, THEY CHEER 654 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,080 Come on, bitch! 655 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,760 # But I just don't want to know... 656 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:16,640 # That for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice... # 657 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:17,960 Alice? 658 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,960 Who the fuck is Alice? 659 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,560 # 24 years just waiting for a chance... # 660 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,120 Come here, big boy! 661 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,720 # To tell her how I feel And maybe get a second chance 662 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:32,560 # Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice... # 663 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,320 Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? 664 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,680 # Oh, I don't know why she's leaving 665 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,240 # Or where she's gonna go 666 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,240 # I guess she's got her reasons 667 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,120 # But I just don't want to know 668 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:48,200 # Cos for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice... # 669 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,000 Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? 670 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:55,080 # 24 years just waiting for a chance 671 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:56,680 # To tell her how I feel 672 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,840 # And maybe get a second glance 673 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:03,960 # But I'll never get used to not living next door to Alice... # 674 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:06,800 Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? 675 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:14,760 # Oh, I'll never get used to not living next door to Alice. #