Hmm. # When I think about what you've become... #
Becoming Grandma's carer meant
running around after her like a disgruntled butler.
And the main side effect of radiotherapy
seems to be treating your butler like a cunt.
Here you go.
It's burnt.
But you can't tell a sick person to fuck off, can you?
No problem, Madame.
I'll make you another one.
Hmm.
# When the radio plays... #
After weeks of radiotherapy,
medications, X-rays, scans, waiting rooms,
waiting rooms, more waiting rooms,
reassuring smiles, disappointing crumpets
and daytime telly,
the cancer went from this...
..to this.
So we celebrated.
She's still refusing chemo, but I'll win her round.
Doctors call Grandma a medical marvel,
which, of course, she's not stopped bragging about.
The biggest one they'd ever seen, Sharon.
Now...
..half the size.
And do you know who did that?
The oncologist?
Me! I did it with my fungal toe last year.
I sat down with it and I said,
"You and I are going to have words.
"Oh, yes, you're very big, aren't you,
"yeah, yeah, you're very impressive.
"Yeah, well you can fuck off!"
Now?
This big.
So I didn't have to spend a eight gruelling weeks looking after you
cos you could've just told it to fuck off, of course?
I was very stoical, Sharon.
Oh, yeah.
And now my stint as a bag-carrying butler's come to an end,
I've got a bit more spare time.
Lovely to meet you.
Can I take your number?
Let's not ruin a good thing, Leo.
Bye, darling.
And it's not just Tinder I've being scrolling,
it's the job pages, too.
Bolton's viral sensation,
Angry Ian, is back in town and hosting classes.
Ian will make you a comedy star.
Fabulous.
No!
No, no, no, no!
How you hold a mic says a lot about you as a comic.
Too floppy, Eileen.
Brian, are you talking through your nipple?
What's it doing down there?
Denise, have you eaten your microphone?
I don't know.
Have another.
Aloha!
You're back, Ian!
Bloody hell fire!
Listen, I want to join your class.
I've been thinking, "Why wait around for casting calls?"
I want to try stand-up.
I mean you're an inspiration, Ian.
If you can go viral, anybody can.
Rude.
Well, welcome back.
Come in, sit down. Thank you. Oh, eh.
Here, grab a carrot.
Fabulous. Thank you. Just in time.
Cos today we're going to be talking about your USPs.
What's a USP, class?
Is it a hard drive?
No, it's not a hard drive, Lesley.
USP, unique selling point.
Yeah?
The question you need to ask yourself is this.
What makes you stand out from the rest?
Lesley, your low self-esteem makes you a terrible judge of character.
You should write about being catfished four times in six weeks.
And maybe, if you're bold enough,
you should write about you catfishing Kevin.
Denise, you write about your strange relationship with the carrot.
Yeah?
I mean, me, married and divorced in one lockdown.
Cruel wife, even crueller mother.
Finally embraced my rage on t'internet,
and bam!
There it is,
my unique selling point.
Is that unique?
I thought a lot of men were doing that on the internet?
No, look.
I'll leave you with this question, class.
Who are you?
I don't know who I am, Ian.
# Look at him with his dog-dirt eyes
# Look at him with his dog-dirt eyes!
# Look at her with her rabbit's fur teeth
# Look at him with his dressing gown nose... #
I've come for me cheeky Vimto.
# Look at him, look at him, look at... #
Why am I looking at a line of bare arses?
We're re-auditioning for Chaps Tuesday.
Two of the lads have quit.
Doris has been banned.
She's a fucking menace.
Oh, right.
Let's have a look.
Well, I mean,
number four's clearly the star of this show.
Mm.
Number three's quite flat.
Number three, you can go.
Sorry.
What's my USP?
Eh?
Ian says we need something sellable and unique about us.
What would mine be?
Mannerisms of a truck driver. MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Innate sex appeal of Debbie Harry.
Thanks, babe. You're welcome.
Hello. What is mine?
I don't know, babe.
Right, OK. Now...
..I'm leaning towards four.
I like an arse you can take a nap on.
Mm.
It's number one all day for me.
Guess who's dead.
What? No.
Alice.
Oh, no!
Who the fuck is Alice?
My mother.
Ta, girls!
Great Granny Alice used to babysit me every Friday night,
when Grandma would fuck off to Mondo's.
She wasn't much of a hugger.
She wasn't much of a talker either.
So, at Christmas-time, nobody would know how pissed she was
until she fell off her chair.
Alice Nuttall was born here
in 1934.
As part of slum clearance,
she moved here and never left.
She spent her life surrounded by babies and bedbugs,
and was absolutely fuming about it.
She went through one world war,
one marriage, four births,
five miscarriages,
43 physical fights with her children
and 50,000 slices of Warburtons extra toastie loaf with jam on.
I think she might have been a bit of a bitch.
But I adored her.
The problem with a parent dying is you have to see all the arseholes
you've spent a lifetime trying to avoid.
Grandma's one of four kids
and none of them came out unscathed,
from the wrath of Alice and poverty.
SHOUTING AND HEAVY METAL MUSIC
Well, I'm actually looking forward to seeing everyone.
It's been quite isolating being your butler.
And Mum's no use nor ornament.
I don't do sick people.
We didn't see you for weeks.
Oh, sorry, we haven't got time for a pity party, Alma.
Right, gifts!
Oh, no more gifts, Lin, please!
No-one enjoys this compulsion
for forcing strange gifts on people, you know.
Oh, I am so comfy.
Scabby Joe's is comfy, Jim.
I've made it dead homely, candles everywhere.
Oh, great. More fire.
Very relaxing.
Oh, I do like that.
I thought you would.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
It's got someone's stuff in it.
Oh.
Who's Debra Wilson?
Oh, for God's sake, Lin, it's all stolen again, isn't it?
Just cos it's second-hand doesn't mean it's not gifted with love.
Second-hand is not the same as stolen, Lin!
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, God, it's Evie!
Fuck.
I'm going to need a pipe in the garden before I see that crow again.
Whatever you do, don't mention my cancer to Evie.
She'll be so smug I got it before her.
Will she, though?
Yeah.
She will be.
This is Grandma's youngest sister,
evil Auntie Evie.
She's had five face lifts,
been done for fraud, arson and robbery,
and she's the only person I know
who's successfully managed to sue the NHS three times.
When she found out Granny Alice had dementia,
she'd steal her belongings and sell them back to her.
I like that!
I knew you would.
20 quid?
You look rough.
How many men have you embezzled to get that face?
Who's this?
Oh!
Just a new friend.
I'm looking after him for a bit.
Oh, hiya, Alma, love.
Hiya, Evie.
Oi!
Some pocket money from your favourite Auntie.
Oh, thanks. You're...
..eczema's cleared up, hasn't it?
Well, about ten years ago.
How old are you now?
40?
I can't tell if she's being a dick or not.
No-one can.
She's not moved her face since the late '80s.
COUGHING
Do you want to come in?
Thank you.
Oh, it's pokier than I remember.
But, mind you, my farmhouse is so big.
"Farmhouse"? Since when?
It's been ready for two months now.
Is it Don's farmhouse you're staying at?
Yeah. It is.
Well, ding dong, the witch is dead, eh? Yeah.
Don't be mean, you two.
I loved Granny Alice.
Sentimentality is a mental illness, Alma.
Mmm.
DOOR CLOSES
Here she is.
GROANING
Oh, God.
Oh, Joany!
Grandma's Sister, Auntie Ange.
Heart of gold but a lot going on.
We first realised she was struggling
when she started knitting clothes for the hamster.
She's stopped that now,
but she still talks at double speed
and finishes most sentences in tears.
I'm not going to let it happen again to another hamster, I promise.
Oh!
It's just awful, 'in't it? Yeah.
Oh, Alma! Hello. Hi.
It's so sad, 'in't it?
Oh, is this... ? Is this your coat, Alma? It's lovely that, 'in't it?
Do you like it? Er, yeah, I like my coat, Ange.
Oh, put it on for me.
Eh? Yeah, go on, let's have a look.
Oh, right, OK.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I can see you like your coat, Alma.
Yeah, give us a twirl.
Yeah.
Yeah, you look cosy, warm and dead stylish in it.
Having a coat, it's so important, 'in't it?
I got me mum a lovely new coat just before she...
Oh!
Fuck me, Ange!
Straight in with the performance of the year!
Don't you start on me!
I will not have you stepping on my grief. I loved my mum.
Oh, no, how could we forget?
Everything had become about you - YOUR mum, YOUR grief.
Ooh, what's all that?
Get your mucky paws out of there.
Oh, it's our Lin.
Hiya, love. Oh, you poor love.
You've had a terrible time of it, haven't you? You poor lamb.
You've really suffered, haven't you? SHE'S suffered?!
It's not been easy, Ange.
You know what a dragon my mum is.
She drives you to drugs, to be honest.
All right, cockers?
Uncle Dickie,
life and soul of the party, and my favourite.
Funnier than Peter Kay and smarter than Fred Dibnah.
Never spoke about his feelings until he turned 50
and started quietly crying by the back door.
She never loved me, my mother.
Hey, uncle Dickie!
Hey! Eh, watch me hands, watch me fags!
Oh, hiya, Dick.
Bloody hell, Joany!
You look more and more like Dad every time I see you.
Look at her.
It's Dad wi' tits!
THEY LAUGH
Yes, she's always had very mannish features.
Yeah, so did you, once.
You do look good, Evie. Course she does.
She's had four thread lifts.
She's got the face of a drawstring purse!
DOORBELL RINGS AND LAUGHTER
Right, that's going to be the funeral director.
Right, and before we start,
no monologues from you today, Ange!
Right?
She loved green and gold.
Whenever I went to the charity shop,
I'd always be searching for anything green and gold.
And whatever it were,
if it were green and gold,
I'd get it for her.
Cos I knew... she'd just love it.
It were her colours, you see,
green and gold.
Oh, I'm going for a fag.
I can't just sit here,
listening to you waffling on, Ange.
Well, the coffins don't come in that particular colour combination,
but, erm, we could have something custom made.
Brilliant. That sounds expensive.
What's your cheapest coffin?
Oh, that would be this one.
"Earth's Embrace."
Very reasonable and biodegradable.
I don't want mum in a shoe box!
Could bob a few patterns on it, Ange.
I'm a dab hand with a lathe.
Can we not just pop her in a plastic bag and be done with it?
Oh! Let's just pay for it.
Where's Mum's card?
Thank you.
There we are. If you'd just like to put your pin in, please.
It's 2-0-5-9.
So, will there be a church service?
Nope.
Evie can't go into a church, she'll set on fire.
Oh, I'm afraid that's been declined.
Do you have another card maybe?
What have you done?
I might have skimmed a little bit off the top to pay for my new nose.
It's what mum would've wanted.
She always said I had a deeply unfortunate nose.
You'll go to hell, you will, Evie!
I'll see you at the bar, Joany!
You're a bitch, you, Evie!
Oh, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!
Oh, shut up, the pair of you!
Don't you tell me what to do, bitch!
Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof, woof! Woof!
THEY ALL BARK
Can everyone just stop barking at each other?
I can see this is a difficult time. Yeah.
I'll give you a ring.
Are you all right, Mum?
Joany?
Oh. Here she goes with the performing antics again.
Fuck off, Evie, she's got cancer!
Lin! What? What?
What? "Cancer"?!
I thought you looked rough.
Get that smug grin off your shovel of a face.
Oh, Joany.
You were so full of hope and possibility as a child.
You had your whole life ahead of you
and then it just went...
FARTING NOISE
And now it's over.
Who put 50p in t'knobhead?
She's not dead, Ange.
Not yet, anyway.
Oh, you'll be dead before me if you keep carrying on.
What can we do for t'help?
Well, she won't do the chemo.
Oh, Alma!
I'm sorry. Why the bloody hell not?
Classic Joan. Stubborn to the bitter end.
Oh, just shut up, all of you, just stop it!
Just stop it, all of you.
In fact, I want you out.
I want you out right now!
I want you all out now!
And that is my bag!
Well, technically, it's Debra Wilson's.
Out!
Shoo! Shoo! All of you, out!
No! Hey! You're not kicking us out again. It's not Christmas.
We need for t'talk about this as a family
Not you, Don.
Fine, if you don't go I will!
Hey, it's your house! Yeah.
DOOR SLAMS
Well, that's the first time she's kicked herself out of the house.
THEY GIGGLE
I've got an idea.
I know where we can get a coffin.
Mum, we're going to need your cat burglary skills.
Together The Better Altitude Music And Bea Parks
Oh, God, not the alien abduction chat again.
As I've said before,
why the would they come to Bolton and abduct you lot?
Rhesus D negative blood group!
Very rare, us lot.
Told ya.
I was just walking home when I had mine.
Saw t'flyin' saucer.
Next minute, I were being beamed up.
ALMA SCOFFS
What time were this?
It was after 11, clubs had shut.
I was on the way home from the dentist when I had mine.
I'd just had a root canal.
They've never bothered with me.
I've been trying to make contact for years.
It's because you're too dull, Ange!
They'd be bored in half an hour with you.
Oh, they're here.
Why have they took the sign?
I said, "Just the coffin."
Hello, Mum.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, fantastic.
CHEERING
To Mum's cat burglary skills!
And to Alice!
Cheers!
# Enjoy yourself
# It's later than you think
# Enjoy yourself
# While you're still in the pink
# The years go by
# As quickly as you wink
# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself
# It's later than you think. #
Turns out he wasn't a Prince.
I'm still paying off the loans
and I still live in Bury.
That's more of a sad statement, than a joke, though, Lesley.
Mm? Right.
Alma, you're up next. Oh.
Woo!
I like to start with a tit shake.
I just feel it relaxes people.
Yes, go on, Lesley.
Right...
So, I'm from Bolton -
the place where people eat kebabs for breakfast.
No? OK.
Um...
You don't have to get dressed when you go out in Bolton.
My local chippy's like the nightwear section of a Matalan catalogue.
Um, er...
People think that Northerners are friendly.
We're not, are we?
We're just fucking nosey.
Right, apart from being slightly offensive,
it's all a bit dull, Alma. Right.
Is that really what's unique about you?
Being a big-titted, ginger northerner?
There's nothing wrong with being a big-titted ginger northerner.
Small-breasted women can actually be very cruel.
That checks.
My ex-wife, tiny tits.
We seem to be getting a bit off track. Can we just... ?
Yeah, sorry.
I need to know more about you.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm?
Like my new stand-up show...
My new stand-up show,
Washing Up Alone Again,
is very raw,
very personal.
And that honesty is where you'll find the humour, too.
Well...
..not in Lesley's case, obviously.
Grandma!
Where are you?
The taxi's waiting!
Hello?
You can't just let yourself in unexpectedly.
I could have been having an orgy in here.
In that?
Could do. On the day of your mother's funeral?
SIGHS
What do you want?
I've come to pick you up, haven't I? Why are you not dressed?
I'm not going.
It's your mum's funeral, Grandma!
Oh, God.
I'm swamped.
Why are you doing this?
Cos I don't want to go.
Well, what about everybody else?
Uncle Dickie, Mum, Ange, me.
We all want you to go.
I don't know why you're bothering.
Because it's nice to bother.
It's nice to see people.
It's nice to feel part of a family.
Listen, I know you've got your issues with everyone but
they're not the enemy that you make them out to be.
Ange is actually quite sweet and kind.
Uncle Dickie's hilarious and adores you.
Yeah, Evie's a bitch, but if you watch your handbag,
she's actually quite fun to get pissed with.
Everybody cares.
Everyone wants you to do the chemo.
Oh, don't start with that!
Fine.
Well, I'm going to go.
You only get one chance to say goodbye to your mum.
Don't miss it.
SHE SIGHS, DOOR CLOSES
CHURCH BELLS RING
Where's Mum? She's not coming.
Oh, quelle surprise!
Mum, you can't wear a cape to your grandma's funeral. Take it off.
And, Jim, why are you dressed as a skeleton?
Well, didn't have owt black.
We got 'em from Ghouls R Us.
Great!
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
CLEARS THROAT
Anna Nuttall.
Alice.
Sorry.
Alice Nuttall...
..was a kind mother.
Locking me in t'coal shed, what's kind about that?
Alice Nuttall was a mother.
Barely.
Alice Nuttall was a human being.
Hmm, we're not sure about that either.
Hiya, Joany.
Budge up, Jim.
Come on, Mum.
I'm guessing she was a complex woman...
..from the heckles.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
I've, um, written a poem I'd like to read, actually.
No, Ange, nobody wants to hear it.
Yeah, not right now, Ange. Sorry.
And let us remember her undeniable spirit
Will live on in our hearts.
Thank you.
Mum, what the fuck?
Yeah, he learnt to play when he was inside,
but he can only do it when he's one of his other personalities.
This is Tim.
# Ave
# Maria... #
Goodbye, Mother.
Bye, bitch.
Pipe down, you.
Bye, Mother.
You cold, ruthless hag.
Just wish I could see her one last time.
THUD
SCREAMING
Well, that's a terrifying moment we'll never forget.
I need a shot of whisky.
Me, too.
Through the eye. Yeah.
It's just strange to think...
..that woman...
..that mother of mine...
..mighty mean woman...
..could fit into such a small box.
That whole person.
Her whole life.
Her whole terrible impact on all of us.
I know.
I'm going to do the chemo, Alma.
I'm not ready to be in a tiny box.
No.
Great.
Yep.
Come on, let's go and have a whisky.
Well, yeah, or a virgin... whisky, considering what we've just... No.
Don't be daft. Come on. OK.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I don't know.
Locking us in the coal shed was your way of showing love.
Who's on t'whiskies?
And we're better people for it, so keep watching us...
Ange, you're making me want to die sooner! Please!
We've buried our mother today
and this poem is the worst thing that's happened.
I won't let them slag you off, Mum.
Thank you for being a mother to Evie, Joan, Dickie and me.
CHEERING
More! More!
She did.
Hey, Joany, Joany.
I'm just telling... What's your name again sorry? Jim.
Jim. I'm just telling Jim about, er our Kev's wedding, when me Mam came.
Oh, bloody hell!
We were all ten sheets to t'wind by this point, yeah.
Mum's in t'wheelchair, weren't she, wi t'blanket on her legs?
And, er, we'd done about ten conga's round her.
And she'd become t'drunken mascot for t'night.
Yeah. Yeah, reluctantly! Oh, of course, yeah.
And that bloody song comes on, didn't it?
Eh? So I pushed her into t'middle of dance floor,
I'm spinning her round,
there's this massive circle of pissheads all round her,
chanting t'chorus, you remember?
"Alice, Alice... "
"Who the fuck is Alice?!"
LAUGHTER
And then she turns round she looks up at me and she goes...
"I don't know."
You remember?
Daft bugger's face were a bloody picture!
Bloody picture.
She got dementia just after that, didn't she?
Yeah.
Yeah, she did, yeah.
Very sad.
I tell you what, Leanne, these are phenomenal. You've nailed it.
You heard them lot.
But the thing is with you, Ange,
is that you're too boring to be loved.
It's true though, isn't it?
I mean, look at Evie.
She's a horrible person,
with a wretched soul,
but she's been married three times. Why?
Skills, Joany.
Oh!
That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
No, no, because she knows that a story has a beginning,
a middle and an end, right?
Which is something that's been lost on you since birth, Ange.
Watch out, Ange, Joany's on t'two-bottle turn.
I'm right.
Well, I might not be a storyteller
but at least I weren't cursed with dad's chin like you lot.
Go on, Ange!
Do you know, I've worked out what my USP is.
It's this mad lot, 'in't it?
I come from a long line of eccentric Boltonians.
I mean, look at 'em.
MUSIC STARTS, THEY CHEER
Come on, bitch!
# But I just don't want to know...
# That for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice... #
Alice?
Who the fuck is Alice?
# 24 years just waiting for a chance... #
Come here, big boy!
# To tell her how I feel And maybe get a second chance
# Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice... #
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
# Oh, I don't know why she's leaving
# Or where she's gonna go
# I guess she's got her reasons
# But I just don't want to know
# Cos for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice... #
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
# 24 years just waiting for a chance
# To tell her how I feel
# And maybe get a second glance
# But I'll never get used to not living next door to Alice... #
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
# Oh, I'll never get used to not living next door to Alice. #