ALMA NARRATING: Since Granny Alice's death,
I've been thinking a lot about family.
Families can accidentally leave things unresolved
for a whole lifetime.
I don't want to do that.
I want to know where my dad is.
My dad left when I was a baby to go cold turkey and become a rock star.
I had no idea who he was.
Grandma, what was my dad like?
Erm... well, from what your mum said,
he was tall, thin and walked like a moody gorilla.
ALMA NARRATING: Not much to go on.
So I looked at the black and white movies that me and Grandma loved.
I imagined he was James Dean,
Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant.
I imagined our first meeting...
Hello, Father.
Dear child.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Then, through some detective work,
I found out where my dad's dad lived and paid him a visit.
Hello. I'm Alma, your granddaughter.
It didn't go great.
Come on.
ALMA NARRATING: Two decades later, and I'm not taking no for an answer.
Er, no, not this time! Give him this letter.
Welcome to the stage... Alma Nuthall!
IMITATES CROWD GOING WILD
Hello, Wembley!
Er... I come from a long line of eccentric female Boltonians.
LETTERBOX FLAP JUDDERS
One in six of us believe we've been abducted by aliens.
One in three of us believe we ARE an alien...
and these are the sane ones!
The only way to describe the rest - take a...
And as you breathe out,
I would like you to visualise someone that has wronged you.
And as you breathe in, I would like you to think of a way
that you could get revenge on that person.
INHALING DEEPLY
Leanne! Leanne!
It's my dad... Ooh. ..he's replied!
It is important we try to block out external noise.
Let us all focus on the healing concept of revenge
whilst I chat with me mate.
Holy shit! Tell me everything.
Namaste.
He's written to me.
"Dear Alma, I want to start by saying how sorry I am.
"I was young and just had to get out of that town and start again."
Feels reasonable.
"I'm a musician in London now."
Creative - like me.
"I'm married and I work as a teacher."
He wants to come to Bolton, and meet me next week.
Holy fuck! That's intense.
I know! But it's great, int'it? But where do I go with him?
Do I go for a coffee? A meal? A beer? I don't know!
And what do I wear? Do you know,
I mean, what do you wear to meet your long-lost father?
Obviously I want him to think I'm a beautiful woman of the world
but not so beautiful he sort of wants to fuck me,
do you know what I mean? Bloody hell! Ugh.
Have you not read Take A Break, Bill?
ALMA SQUEALS WITH EXCITEMENT
Namaste.
Woo!
You look like a Mormon!
Well, I'm... I'm trying to hide my sensuality, Leanne.
Babe. You're dressed like my nan. OK.
So, what have your family said about all this, then?
I've not told them.
The slight mention of my dad and my mum goes apeshit.
THUD, CROCKERY RATTLES
He's a critter on the arsehole of a parasite!
He is a fucking orchid sucking the life out of all the other plants
until they're shrivelled and ugly and knackered and dead!
He is a cunt-juggling fuck-lump!
Could we get the bill, please?
NARRATING: There was a brief period in the '90s
when she was convinced he was Richard Ashcroft from The Verve.
I'm telling you, it's him.
The clues were uncanny.
They were both called Richard, they both lived near Wigan
and they both went to London to become rock stars.
And of course they were both...
Tall, thin,
and walking like a moody gorilla.
So I wrote to him.
"Dear Dad, I can't wait to see your face again too.
"And when I do, it'll be great.
"PS. Please will you pick me up from school in a limo?"
He never replied.
So we went to his concert,
which ended in a restraining order.
We quickly realised he wasn't my dad
and we'd actively encouraged Mum's latest bout of delusional psychosis.
But, apparently, he does look just like him.
Babe, I'd tell your nan. You might need the support.
Too much?
Oh, Jesus!
Turn.
What the hell are you doing?
He's back!
I can see that.
But why are you waterboarding him on the lawn?
He's infested.
I had to burn his clothes.
Scabby Joe's got lice.
Turn.
Turn. Bend.
Ooh, no. Oh, no. No, no.
I'm a bloody hotel.
Turn.
You're not like any hotel I've been to.
The lice, the drugs, the parties. It's too much at Scabby Joe's.
Dirty bastards. How's Mum?
She's a paranoid party animal.
Put your arm up.
Urgh! I just need some calm.
Right. 'Ere you are.
I'm not sure you've come to the right place for that.
Here, get that on.
She'll be following him here.
I've told Jim he can stay, but Lin's not allowed.
She needs to go back to hospital.
She needs her medication.
What Mum needs is what she had before austerity -
a little flat near her support network
with a monthly visit from a district nurse.
But nowadays they call that...
PEOPLE MOUTHING WORDS: "a very bespoke package,
"impossible to secure,
"in high demand,
"unattainable,
"unrealistic,
"gold dust."
So she's been left to yo-yo between this mad place...
..and this one.
Can't have that! Health and safety!
DOOR SLAMS
Neither are good for her mental health.
And with no access to her bennies,
she's found some alternative income streams again.
Just get all the best stuff.
Shit! Pretend we're not 'ere. Freeze!
Who the fuck are you?
I'm calling the police.
Leg it!
You! Mum!
I knew I'd find you 'ere, with the dragon.
Oh, no! No, no, I'm not having another showdown. No way.
Grandma! Jim, if you're coming, get in the house now. Right?
I'm really sorry. I just need a day.
Fine!
Fucking fine!
It's all right, Mum. Look, we'll go and talk to 'em.
We'll calm it down. Just stay calm.
We'll talk it through... Yes? ..like calm, rational adults. Right.
No shouting. All right.
TAPPING AT WINDOW
We're not available. Eh?
We're not available.
I just need to talk to Jim.
Go on. Hurry up.
Jim, I need to sell some art
and then we can buy that caravan in Rhyl.
I know, Lin, but it's been mad at Scabby Joe's...
Right, that's enough. Away from the window, Jim! Come on.
Shoo, shoo-shoo. Get out. Go on. Go on. I'm closing my hatch now.
It's not a hatch, Grandma, is it? It's a window.
Can... can I come and live back here, Mum, please!
No! Absolutely not. Alma, are you coming in?
I'm not just going to leave my mum here, am I?
Fine. I'm closing my hatch now.
Oh, it's not a hatch, it's a windo...
Alma, you're going to have to help me
being as I've been abandoned by my own mother!
Don't you dare! I've done nothing but support you over the years,
and all you ever do is let me down. I'm closing my hatch!
It's a window!
Can I come and sell my art at Leanne's?
Er... I'll ask her. Yeah, maybe.
Do you want to buy some art now?
Not really now, Mum, no.
800 quid.
I've got 20? Done.
Smashing.
Make U Mine by Beasts With No Name
We're open in an hour, Bill. We've got a new menu tonight.
No time for experimenting with sumac.
Yes, Chef.
Ooh! My dad's coming tomorrow!
I've been imagining this meeting my whole life -
always in the style of a black and white movie.
I'd be a waitress.
He'd come in the restaurant where I worked with a group of mates,
and they'd just fall in love with me at the table.
You know - my charm, wit, charisma.
He'd say, "You're fantastic. What's your name?"
I'd say, "Alma... Nuthall."
Then trot off dead sophisticatedly.
He'd say, "That... that's my daughter!"
and come running after me.
He'd grab hold of my hand and he'd say,
"My child! Where have you been all my life?
"You're the most amazing waitress I've ever met!" And I'd say...
Get off! My God!
I'm trying to saute my matsutake mushrooms. Give that 'ere.
Sorry, Bill. It's like being with a fantasist.
Ooh. Another one.
Fuck's sake!
He's dead.
He's made it as a famous rock star
but he dies suddenly in the height of fame!
I try and fade into the background
and not draw too much attention to myself,
but star quality has its way.
And, just as they lower the coffin, I put my hand on my heart.
And at that moment, a paparazzi shoots me, don't they?
It's all over the papers.
"Who is that gorgeous mystery woman?"
It's Alma, the daughter he was forced to abandon
but always loved and deeply missed.
That's a good one. Yeah. Ooh...
My favourite...
I'm dead!
It's my funeral. I've got an open casket,
and I'm dead but I look fantastic.
I've died suddenly, tragically, far too young.
There's thousands of people in mourning. Thousands!
The priest is in the middle of a beautiful sermon, when
a rock star comes bursting through the double doors of the chapel.
Then he turns to the priest and says,
"Sorry, Father, I have sinned. Please forgive me."
The priest doesn't forgive him.
He says, "Fair enough. Please can I sing her a song, then?"
The priest says, "All right, then."
And he sings the most beautiful song.
SOUND MUTED
Everybody cries.
Alma, get off the bloody table, please!
How many times have I told you to get off the bloody furniture?
Ooh, it's going to be great tomorrow, in't it?
I just need to be cool, calm, confident, collected.
PHONE DIALS OUT
Word? Hiya, Leanne!
Erm, I'm about to meet my dad in half an hour
but I seem to be stuck in the foetal position again.
OK, babe. Well, don't think about meeting your dad.
Think about getting up off the floor. Baby steps.
Right, OK. Erm, so I... I... I'm just going to swivel to seating.
Yeah. Perfect. Very casual.
Just a very calm, casual seating swivel.
I-I-I'm not ready actually to stand up yet, so I'm just going to...
Do you know what? I'm going to shuffle to my ciggies. Gorgeous.
Just a very loosey-goosey shuffle in to her ciggies.
Fabulous. This is fine.
Easy-breezy, loosey-goosey...
I'm just going to have a quick cigarette. OK. Right.
Relaxed.
You're not Richard, are you?
No. No...
GIBBERS
I... knew, really. Too old.
Not that that's a problem! Your age is fabulous. It's fine for you.
For anyone!
I'm just waiting for somebody, sort of...
But I'm not on a date.
Sort of a blind date, isn't it? But still... Anyway...
Urgh! Eey.
Nice out there, eh?!
I look like a mop.
Well, I'll have a... large whisky... Oh, no...
..and a Guinness, please.
One more, please.
Hello.
Alma? Yes. Fuck!
Yeah.
Er... er, sorry, I'm super wet.
Oh, yeah, you do look wet. Yeah.
Why aren't you wet? Brolly.
Clever. Yes. Bolton.
You have to have a brolly. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Drink? Definitely!
HE SIGHS
You really do look like your mum. Oh, right.
Yeah, it's quite scary actually.
We've got the same chin, though, have you noticed? No.
Oh, having said that, I do have a good chin.
Yeah.
I've never seen my chin on someone else before.
No.
Hey, I was thinking, you know,
I should take you to the aquarium at some point
cos my dad used to take me when I was little.
Aye, OK. Yeah, maybe.
CLICKS FINGERS
Let's go now!
Now? Yeah. Let's go and see some fucking fish!
O... OK. Woo! All right.
OK. What, right now? Aha.
Aw, this is terrible.
I can't believe my dad used to bring me here.
It's like they're all in prison.
Look at that guy.
"This active and peaceful rainbow fish can be found
"in the freshwater lakes of Papua New Guinea."
See, what's he doing here?
Oof. I need a drink.
Er, excuse me. You can't smoke in here.
You can't NOT smoke in here, eh?
Have you looked into the eyes of that rainbow fish?
Oh, that fish, though...
..with its sad eyes.
That's how I used to feel in Bolton.
Like an exotic fish trapped in a bowl.
Bowl... town.
Yeah.
I feel like that sometimes.
Yeah, well, makes sense, don't it? You are my daughter, after all.
Even if you are a weird fish.
An exotic fish. Not a weird fish.
Hey, I tell you who was a weird fish.
Your mum.
Yeah.
Yeah. It's a shame what happened to her, you know.
Cos, you know, she was... she was... talented.
She just had an addictive personality.
Yeah, it was always "one more" wi' Lin.
Yeah.
Um, so, what's your wife like?
Oh, I think she's a bit fed up of me, to be honest.
Hey, you'll like this.
When we first met, she thought I was a diamond in the rough.
Now she just thinks I'm a shit pebble.
Oh, dear!
Bolton's changing, isn't it, hey?
Yes, we're all eating hummus, and we know how to spell it.
There's me, thinking you'd still be in caves,
learning how to light a fire.
One more?
Always.
I'm In The Mood For Dancing
Come on, Bolton! We want to see you get your dancing feet on.
That's right.
# Yeah, yeah... #
# I'm in the mood...
Well, it's... certainly lively, isn't it?
Ace, isn't it?
That's my best mate.
Bill! Where are those duck liver parfaits for table two?
Literally, 30 seconds.
Yeah, well, she's certainly a... character. Yeah.
Another drink? Ooh, yes, please.
# So come on and hold me tight
# Dancing
# I'm in the mood... #
Fuck.
# Ooh, dancing... #
Mum, what you doing here?
They're all here. All me best ones.
Dead Woman Walking. Great. Yeah, no, no, lovely.
That's fantastic. Yeah.
Amy Winehouse portrait. It's just it's not quite a good...
Oh. Richard. The Cruel Flower. Right. Yeah..
These need to be well-lit, so I've made these.
Oh! Just I've not really had a chance to talk to Leanne about it.
I've been a bit side-tracked, so, yeah...
Richard?!
Fuck.
Shit.
Lin?
What the fuck?!
What...
What's happened to your teeth? Oh!
Aargh! Mum! You have no fucking idea
what a waste of space this man is, Alma,
so good fucking luck with that.
Fuck you, Dick!
Mum!
Fuck.
I've been called worse.
Shall we finish those drinks?
Shit.
Yes, squire. Two sangrias.
Another Day by TTRRUUCES
Oh, yeah. See you later, Barry! Bye, Chris!
Oh, you are kidding, aren't you?
I have not had one of these since I was 18. You're joking?
God, I have one every day. Yeah, I can tell.
Hey, we have to go to Booth's. Come on. To Booth's?
Oh, wow.
I used to come here loads.
I was a bit naughty, though, actually. I used to say
I was going out for nappies. I'd just come home with a guitar.
Hold me that. Oh!
OK. I... I'll just wait...
..I'll just wait here.
Ha-ha! Yeah, but remember,
we don't stop playing because we get old.
We get old because we stop playing.
You take care, Gary. Yeah, all right. Cheers, mate.
I couldn't resist this beauty.
My new sounds are going to be great on her.
You've got your own sound?
Do I have a sound?
# Jupiter is big and round
# Mighty storms are raging down
# In this great cosmic playground
# Jupiter, you're magic
# Gas giant... #
I was actually there
when Ian Curtis first played at The Factory in Manchester,
you know. Yeah, and I've been to The Hacienda, loads.
Wow. Mm.
Man, it was... it was a time.
Yeah, so cool.
We weren't even there. You're younger than me.
Oh, I know. But I've been to an exhibition all about it.
Right.
I actually find Mancunian nostalgia quite tedious.
Right, I'm going to go.
What? Hang on, I'm up next!
Oh, I know. But I got the live show earlier, didn't I?
I fucking love Jupiter.
OK.
Right, I'll see you tomorrow for tea.
I've got a fancy steak pie.
Oh, yeah. Course you have!
Yeah, you Boltonians love your stodge, don't you?
Yeah, I suppose it gives you a doughy layer of fat
to keep you warm, eh?
HE LAUGHS
I'd rather be doughy than like a drunk washing line.
Ha-ha! Yeah!
I'll see you tomorrow, Carb Queen.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Hiya, Alex. Hiya.
Er, same as usual. 20 gold.
Oh, no! Not mouldy toe, please.
Have you got that sad-looking man by the radiator?
No. No? No. Sorry.
What about the cute baby smoking through her dummy?
No. Ooh, you've not got a very good range, Alex. Er...
..I'll take moustache man with the neck tumour.
There's always loads of him.
Five minutes.
No, Karen. I am doing biscuits.
I'll be there in a second.
David?!
Alma! You all right?
What the fuck?
Listen, Alma, can I call you after my shift?
I've got 250 tins of baked beans and sausages to pack before 9pm.
Why are you working in a supermarket?
Proper agents don't stack shelves, David.
It's a tough industry, Alma.
And the fact that I have lost my office
and may have my house repossessed is actually good news for you
because it gives me a drive and determination that you can
only really get when you've hit rock-bottom.
Do you know what? You're full of shit, David.
Is this what all men are like?
Are you all just full of shit?
You know, do you just go around letting people down and lying
and not turning up for dinners
and commenting on their pastry-eating habits?
Is this what you do?
Is this just the cunty way that you were taught to exist?
Because I tell you what, I am NOT a fan of it, David.
I just want to castrate the lot of you and...
MOBILE RINGS
Oh, another man!
What the fuck do you want, Jim? Your mum's kicked off in't museum.
Oh, God. OK. The police have arrived.
Right. OK. I'm coming now.
Karen, I'm on biscuits.
Stop shouting "sausages" in me ear.
HE SIGHS
Hiya. I'm looking for a small angry woman in a wig.
Through there, love. Lin?
She's in there.
Mum, what are you doing?
Nothing.
I just asked the Happy Hippo
to put my fucking work out.
She keeps calling me that.
She's been coming in all week and asking me to hang up her work
and pay cash for it. I said no, so she's hung it up herself.
She told me she's collaborating with Alexander McQueen.
Right. I told her that he was dead.
Seemed to really upset her.
I said, "You can't be crying in here."
Can people not cry in museums?
She was making people feel uneasy.
Mum, you need to come out.
I just wanted to buy me and Jim
that caravan in Rhyl.
But artists don't become millionaires overnight.
Look at my friend Alexander McQueen - it took him years,
and now he's dead.
I know, Mum.
Does she know Alexander McQueen? No.
He's been dead for years.
Come on, Lin. Come out.
I can't. The police are here now.
And they'll take me back to hospital.
I know, Mum, but you can't hide in here.
We'll get that caravan, Lin. It'll just take us... time.
You're lying!
You'll just get too comfy at the dragon woman's house,
with your own kettle and your clean walls
and crumpets on tap, like some sort of emperor.
I know.
You'll abandon me, like Richard did.
I'm not going anywhere, Lin.
We're like a pair of socks, us.
Odd when we're not together.
I love you, Lin.
And I'll be at that hospital with your bag of bits every day
until you get out.
As always.
Me... and you.
It's forever, Lin.
Pool Party by Julia Jacklin
It's all right.
Love you, Mum.
# I was shorter than my dad's dining table
# You were taller than my bedroom door frame... #
KNOCKS ON DOOR
# Hit me hard when I found height don't make a man... #
Hey.
Rich!
Rich, it's for you! Yo. Hey.
The girl from the bar.
How creepy.
And what about your wife? Anyway...
So, er, you didn't come for tea?
No, I bumped into an old music pal in town, you know.
Right. You're not even sorry, are you?
What is it you want from me, Alma?
That's a good question.
I think I wanted to feel like your daughter.
I think, in my head, I always imagined that you loved me.
But in my head, I imagined a lot of things about you that weren't true,
so I think I just... Do you know what?
I'm a nice guy and I don't deserve it.
Right.
Well... I'm really glad I met you, Richard.
Hey!
Hey, no! Fuck you!
You don't know what I've been through. Bye, Dick!
I've spent so much time thinking about this missing part of me,
dreaming of the perfect meeting with the perfect father.
Now I realise there was nothing missing in the first place.
And let's be honest,
he's just a bit of a dick.
I met my father,
and he didn't walk like a moody gorilla at all.
More like a confused worm.
We went to the aquarium in Bowl-town and had a jolly old time.
And then he looked into the eyes of a sad rainbow fish
and saw himself. He hates himself,
he hates the north and he hates my mother.
So, of course, he was absolutely terrified of me
from the moment saw me.
He said, "Bloody hell, you look just like your crazy mother!"
And I said, "That's as may be.
"And you look nothing like Richard Ashcroft!"
# Jupiter is big and round
# Mighty storms are raging now
# In the great cosmic playground
# Jupiter, you're magic
# Gas giant with swirling grace
# You're the biggest boy in space. #