1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,320 Mm! 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,880 That is fucking fabulous, that sangria. 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,400 I tell you, it give's Leanne's, erm, 4 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,320 cheeky Vimtos a run for her money, doesn't it? 5 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,640 I'm quite pissed, actually! 6 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,400 Una mas, por favor! 7 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,600 Steady, you. 8 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,200 Oh, I do love tapaz. 9 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,520 My Spanish ancestors are calling me here. 10 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,880 I thought you were Nicaraguan. 11 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,240 We're nomads, Alma. 12 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:25,520 We've got Nicaraguan, Scottish, Spanish Basque and a bit of alien. 13 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,800 You can't just casually say you've got a bit of alien in you 14 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,520 and not expect people to be freaked out. 15 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,960 How many times do I have to tell you? None, actually. 16 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,560 Our blood group is one of the rarest in the world, Alma. 17 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,680 And it's common knowledge that we're not human. 18 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,480 Is it, though? 19 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,080 We're an ancient alien blood group... 20 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,880 ..that settled on Earth in the Pyrenees mountain range. 21 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,440 You know I've always wanted to go. 22 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,520 Mm. We know, Grandma. 23 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,320 I think I might be an alien. 24 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,720 Oh, be quiet, Jim. 25 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,840 He's been accepted for a supported bedsit, 26 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,200 but he's refusing to leave my house. 27 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,440 He's gone from being a lovable temporary house guest 28 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,960 to an aggressive squatter. 29 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,840 Every little thing he does irritates me. 30 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,720 H-he doesn't speak. 31 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,880 He just chews that loudly. 32 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,400 Listen to that! Oh, God, he's got to go! You've got to go! 33 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,120 SPEAKING LOUDLY: You've got to go, Jim! 34 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,440 Well, in jollier news... 35 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,320 ..I'm going to be treading the boards at Victoria Hall, 36 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,760 for Ian's comedy showcase. Oh! 37 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:25,800 I know! Salud! 38 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,760 You never! Yeah! Oh, God. 39 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,640 I've always wanted to get on that stage. 40 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,400 I want a front-row seat, me. 41 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,160 Well, you... you're not invited. 42 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,880 That's very unkind. 43 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,200 I always invited you to my Ann Summers parties. 44 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,440 I didn't want to go, did I? 45 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,720 I was eight. 46 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,880 You were watching a professional raconteur at those parties 47 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,480 for years. You learnt it all from me. Mm. 48 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,760 Whoa-ho! 49 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,880 Woohoo! 50 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,040 Why do you have to keep wearing those ridiculous wigs? 51 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,040 Listen, Mother, I am spending my precious two hours of leave 52 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,880 seeing your pointy little face, so no insulting my teeth, 53 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,080 my wigs or my personality! 54 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,560 All right, listen. Erm... 55 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,040 ..I've got something to say. 56 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,440 Is it "sorry"? Here we go. 57 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,680 Right, I'm going to get some more sangria. 58 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:11,880 Why would I say sorry, Lin? 59 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,560 Well, where to start, Mother? 60 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,160 Everybody knows it's your fault I'm an addict. 61 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:17,640 Oh, right. And who's everyone? 62 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,000 My whole mental health team. 63 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:25,120 Or maybe you want to apologise for stealing Jim and shutting me out. 64 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,400 I didn't steal Jim. Jim you can have. 65 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,080 You see, this is what she does, Jim. 66 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,480 Leaves you out in the cold. 67 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,920 SINGING LOUDLY: # When I needed a shelter, were you there? 68 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,000 # Were you there? 69 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,480 # When I needed a shelter, were you there? # 70 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,800 Oh, for God's sake! 71 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,560 # I was cold, I was naked 72 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,400 # Were you there? Were you there? 73 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,960 # I was cold, I was naked, were you there? 74 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:55,080 # And the creed and the colour and the name don't matter 75 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:58,880 # Were you there? Were you there? # 76 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:02,400 Have you finished? 77 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,680 But it's a very good hymn, isn't it? 78 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,080 Have YOU finished? 79 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,760 Right. My cancer's back. 80 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,600 It's spread. It's everywhere. 81 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,320 I'm not going to recover. 82 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,040 Oh! 83 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,880 Grandma's cancer's come back more successfully 84 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,800 than Jennifer Coolidge's career. 85 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,720 They've said she doesn't have long. 86 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,240 It's hard to know what to do with that information. 87 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,200 It's hard to even believe it's true. 88 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,560 After all, she is part alien. 89 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,280 And how do you make the most of this precious time together, 90 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,000 when the person who's dying is full of rage, regret and profanities? 91 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,880 Fuck off! 92 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,880 I'm not sitting in some sad old chair, 93 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,440 being wheeled round like some fuddy-duddy! 94 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,040 I'll have a go. 95 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,120 We're all tricked into thinking that by the time we die, 96 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,280 we're ready to go. 97 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:04,920 Well, I'm not ready. 98 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,240 I feel like I'm being kicked out of the pub before closing. 99 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,720 CRASH 100 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,400 Sorry. 101 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,160 APPLAUSE 102 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,320 Thank you. Thank you very much. 103 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,560 You're sticking with the tit shake, then? I am, Ian. 104 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,840 Fair enough. Fair enough. 105 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,400 Least it's better than Lesley. 106 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,160 You've got stage presence of a wet flannel, Les. 107 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,920 Ian, me and my therapist have been working on boundaries, 108 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,440 and I'd just like to say 109 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:43,280 that even though we have a sexual history and I did briefly ghost you, 110 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,960 I would really appreciate it 111 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,560 if you didn't undermine my talent as a form of revenge. 112 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,320 Well, I did ask you not to join this class. 113 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,520 But you insisted, like you always do. 114 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,120 So, here we are. 115 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,160 Hmm? 116 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,280 Anyway, 117 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,600 a few more sessions till the big showcase, so let's keep on track. 118 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,040 Cos that's a big chuffin' stage when you're on it. 119 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,080 So... 120 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,680 ..keep your eye on the prize. 121 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,440 Keep, your eye on that prize. 122 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,800 It's the trophy of success. 123 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,920 Grab hold of it now. 124 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,160 Grab the trophy. 125 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,320 Own that trophy. 126 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,200 The trophy of success. 127 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,680 Right. What's it giving you? A Netflix special. 128 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,240 Netflix. Good. Good, Kevin. And you? 129 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,440 Financial freedom. 130 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,840 Fine. And you! 131 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,000 A tour. 132 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,800 A tour. And... 133 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,040 Full head of hair. 134 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:45,960 IAN SIGHS 135 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,440 For God's sake, Jim. 136 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,760 I can hear her chuntering on, can you? 137 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,480 Stop breathing! 138 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,560 You'd think she'd be too tired to be a cunt, 139 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,720 but she seems to have a lot of energy for it. Yeah. 140 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,040 You're soaking my head with your spit! Oh, God... 141 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,840 Do you know, the Macmillan nurse the other day 142 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,040 thought she had brain cancer? 143 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,200 I had to explain to her, no, she's always been a bit of a bitch. 144 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,360 Hello! There she is! You all right? 145 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,680 It takes ages when Jim pushes me. 146 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,400 He breathes that heavily down my neck. 147 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,240 I'm sure he's got emphysema. 148 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,960 It was a big hill. 149 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,160 Get me up. Come on. 150 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,960 Let's get you out, Mum. Come on. 151 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,800 Are you all right? There you go. Are you all right, Grandma? 152 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,600 Yes. There you go. I'm fine. You all right, Mum? Yes, I'm fine! 153 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,640 Why does everyone keep fucking asking me how I am?! 154 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,800 Macmillan nurses, doctors, taxi drivers. 155 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,840 "Are you all right, Joan?" "Are you all right, love?" 156 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,440 "Are you all right, dear?" 157 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,280 I'm not a fucking dear! 158 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,760 It's like hanging out with Gollum. 159 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,960 I've written a bucket list. 160 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,600 Things I want do before I die. 161 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,760 So we'd better hurry up. 162 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,360 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 163 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,600 I want to see you perform at Victoria Hall, Alma. 164 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,640 I don't know, there's just not many... It's on my list. 165 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:14,680 OK. 166 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,640 I want to go to the Basque Country. 167 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,440 I'd like to meet Prince. 168 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,360 Maybe give him a peck on the cheek. 169 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,480 Maybe a bit more. 170 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,120 He's dead. 171 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,320 Is he?! 172 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,800 And American. 173 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,480 Oh, no. 174 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,720 I'd like to eat a croissant in Paris. 175 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,880 Listen, I don't want to shit in your bucket, Grandma, 176 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,000 but I don't think we can do a lot of these. 177 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,520 I want to ride a camel. 178 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,680 And where are we supposed to get you a camel? 179 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,040 What about a donkey? 180 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,840 They've got loads at Blackpool. 181 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,640 Ooh, Blackpool, yeah! 182 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,920 That's what we should do! 183 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,720 If I tell the hospital you're dying, I'll probably get a day trip. 184 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,960 Brilliant! 185 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,720 I'm not going to... 186 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:02,960 Blackpool, here we come! 187 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,360 PARTY BLOWER BLARES 188 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,040 Oh, my God. 189 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,760 Now, La Tasca may be your spiritual home, Mum, 190 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,080 but Blackpool is mine. 191 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,080 We are going to set that seaside on fire! 192 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:16,920 OK. I think let's avoid any fires, even as an analogy, at this point. 193 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,160 Yeah. I think so. Come on. 194 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,360 Just calm down. Come on! 195 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,600 Mum, are you going to walk normal, 196 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,880 or are you just going to be sprinting for most of the afternoon? 197 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,600 Yeah. Oh, goodness, watch the step. Watch the step. 198 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,320 My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock by George Formby 199 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,400 Yay! Yay! 200 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,480 # Every year when summer comes round 201 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:40,120 # Off to the sea I go 202 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,920 # I don't care if I do... # 203 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,640 Oh, look at this, named. Look at this lot! 204 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,320 Grandma! No, I don't want Grandma. Look at these. They've got... 205 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,880 What about "you plonker". 206 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,200 Hey, "Nympho." "Up yours." 207 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,960 What about "Big Boy", for Jim? 208 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,320 "Sex maniac." Yeah. I'm having one of them. 209 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,360 Try the middle one. 210 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,600 Yeah. 211 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:58,800 Come on. Come on. 212 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,360 This is it. This is it. 213 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,800 Oh! 214 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,840 Right, hang on. 215 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,520 # It may be sticky... # 216 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,040 FOOT THUMPS MACHINE 217 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,040 # ..but I never complain... # 218 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,080 COINS TINKLE 219 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,560 Oh, my God! Hooray! Woohoo! 220 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,560 THEY LAUGH 221 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,960 # Every day, wherever I stray 222 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,160 # The kids all round me... # 223 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,520 Listen, can we just have the bear anyway? 224 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,400 No. Oh, come on. 225 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,800 She's got cancer. She's dying. 226 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,800 Please. It... it would mean 227 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,360 the world to me. 228 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,360 SHE COUGHS 229 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,560 No, love. 230 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:27,600 Oh... 231 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,640 Ooh! 232 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,480 # With my little stick of Blackpool rock... # 233 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,960 Oh! Oh! 234 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,000 THEY LAUGH 235 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,120 Hey! We're having that. Yeah. Yeah. Fabulous. 236 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,240 Well done, Mum. 237 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,240 Romany Gypsy! Oh, my God. We've got to go! We've got to go! 238 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,480 I've got a bloodline there, as well. 239 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,280 It's where I get my psychic connection from. 240 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,000 Do you not fancy a go? No! 241 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,280 I'm surprised she's been in there this long. 242 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,600 Surely there's not much to say now. 243 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,960 # Wherever I stray 244 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,000 # The kids all round me... # 245 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,080 How'd it go? 246 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,960 I got in, 247 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,720 she burst into tears. 248 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,400 She said I've had a terrible life... 249 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,400 ..and I'm going to have ten more terrible years. 250 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,200 So when I told her I was dying, she said I wasn't. 251 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,720 But do I want another terrible ten years, or a jolly few weeks? 252 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,720 I can't decide. Oh! 253 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,800 It's like Sophie's Choice. 254 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,040 Yeah. 255 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,560 Right, next on the bucket list - 256 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,560 eat a croissant in Paris. 257 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,400 # I went dancing each night 258 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,680 # No wonder every girl that danced... # 259 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,880 If you squint, it does sort of look like the Eiffel Tower. 260 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,240 It's better. 261 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:31,320 Mm. 262 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,360 Ooh! 263 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,520 Oh, no! Oh, no! 264 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,800 Oh. It's good luck, that, Mum. 265 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,160 Lin, I'm dying and covered in bird shit. 266 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,320 How is this lucky? 267 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:42,360 THEY LAUGH 268 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,800 # You've properly mucked it up, the only thing I can see... # 269 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,440 Thank you, Freddie. 270 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,000 That was a wonderful ride. 271 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,040 You're a very good, brave, kind donkey 272 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,880 and I hope everyone appreciates you. 273 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,280 Let's have another picture. 274 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,440 Oh, that's nice. 275 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,760 You know, there's so many things I wish I'd done. 276 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,720 So many lives I nearly had. 277 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,240 Should've had. 278 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,680 I should've gone to the Pyrenees mountains. 279 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,240 Married that French millionaire who liked my shoes. 280 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,600 I should've been a star. 281 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:39,800 Written an autobiography. 282 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,320 Don't, Mum. Don't. You're ruining it. 283 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,880 Oh, I've got... Lin, I'm allowed to have feelings. 284 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,320 I can't cope with them. 285 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,600 You know it's me that's dying, don't you? 286 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,640 'Course I do! 287 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,320 Are you all right, Mum? 288 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,440 Yeah, I'm fine. 289 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,160 But... 290 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,440 ..I'm just going to go now. 291 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,080 Well... well... we'll all go. 292 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,720 No. I'm... I'm going to get the train back by myself. 293 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,640 Oh, Lin. Don't be silly. 294 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:06,680 Mum! 295 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,280 Mum! 296 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,800 She was always a sensitive child. 297 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,560 The worst thing about someone you love getting sick 298 00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:27,920 is watching them slowly fade away. 299 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,120 # Crying... # 300 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,640 It's not big, beautiful or dramatic. 301 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,240 # Crying never did nobody no good, no how... # 302 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,200 In fact, it's quite boring and slow. 303 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,920 SHE EXHALES 304 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:43,440 # That's why I'm... # 305 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,320 I spy with my little eye... 306 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,800 ..something beginning with C. 307 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:49,840 # That's why 308 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,880 # That's why I... # 309 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,360 Cup. 310 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,400 Yeah. 311 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,760 # I don't cry 312 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,240 # Laughing 313 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,720 # Laughing sometimes does somebody some good somehow 314 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,960 # That's why I 315 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,520 # I'm laughing 316 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:27,760 # Now. # 317 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,400 There's a whole art form to it. I'll show you, right? 318 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,800 So this is too close. 319 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,960 Yeah. This is too far away. Mm-hm. 320 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,560 It's this. Right. 321 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,040 My go. Right. 322 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,040 JOAN COUGHS 323 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,840 JOAN SIGHS 324 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,280 You ready? Yeah. 325 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:54,880 You're a natural. 326 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,400 Well, we knew that, didn't we? 327 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,880 SHE COUGHS 328 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,360 Ooh! Hello, Bolton! 329 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,760 Can't believe I'm going to be on the Victoria Hall stage tonight. 330 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,400 Hmm. 331 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,520 Do you think your mum will come? 332 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,480 Oh, God, I hope she doesn't, to be honest. 333 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,880 I might never see her again. 334 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,840 Phew! 335 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,800 My chin's completely given up. 336 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,320 I'd do anything to look like Nicolas Cage now. 337 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,840 I think you look beautiful, Grandma. 338 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:27,680 Like an elf. 339 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,240 Hmm! An elf?! 340 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,000 Yeah. 341 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,280 SHE CHUCKLES 342 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,440 AUDIENCE CHATTERS 343 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,840 Hey. 344 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,160 Bloody beltin'. 345 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,520 Here we go. 346 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,000 APPLAUSE 347 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,840 AUDIENCE CHEERS 348 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,560 I'm Angry Ian! AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo! 349 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,120 Yeah? 350 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,080 I'm your host for tonight. 351 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,600 I'm washing up alone again. 352 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,840 Why? Good question. 353 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,120 Marriage. She... Hey, you know. 354 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,600 I should never have got married. It was a big mistake. 355 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,200 I mean proper mistake. 356 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,520 What I said was, "Will you carry me?" 357 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,360 You know? 358 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,760 Cos I were drunk. 359 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,080 So... 360 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,840 Not "marry", so that's the... 361 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,360 And... and then, get this, 362 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,760 she said I'm a lousy lover. 363 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,000 Lousy! 364 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,360 You horrible, evil bitch! 365 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,520 AUDIENCE TUTS AND MUTTERS 366 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:33,640 So... 367 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,720 ..moving on. Moving on. 368 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,400 Will you welcome to the stage, all the way from over there, 369 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,160 Mr Brian Willaborn. 370 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,000 UNENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE 371 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,880 Something wrong with the lights. They keep flashing, like that. 372 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,640 Oh, I've got epilepsy. 373 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,240 Oh. Oh. Oh, dear. 374 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,000 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on then, Brian! 375 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,680 Yeah, come on, Brian. You're on. 376 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,680 Go on. 377 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,280 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 378 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,280 Good... good luck. 379 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,560 Ohh... 380 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,880 Alma Nuthall. 381 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,120 AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS 382 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,400 Tough crowd. 383 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,080 Woo! 384 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,880 LAUGHTER 385 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,600 So I like to start with a tit shake. I just feel it relaxes people. 386 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,600 LAUGHTER 387 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,560 I come from a long line of eccentric female Boltonians. 388 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,560 One of them's in tonight. 389 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,800 Give a "woo" to Grandma Joan. 390 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,520 Woo! 391 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,880 APPLAUSE 392 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,360 One in six of us believe we've been abducted by aliens. 393 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,600 One in three of us believe we are an alien. 394 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,880 LAUGHTER 395 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,200 Take A Break is less of a magazine to us and more of a family album. 396 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,920 LAUGHTER 397 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:03,440 Yeah. Like, we... Funerals, we bring an extra coffin, just in case. 398 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,960 LAUGHTER 399 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,720 Grandma gets terrible at Christmas. She's real dramatic and maudlin. 400 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:14,080 "I don't want to sit in the corner like a leftover piece of turkey." 401 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,040 "I couldn't possibly." 402 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,080 "I've just defrosted a loaf... and it needs eating." 403 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,080 Then she put the phone down, didn't you? 404 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,720 I did! 405 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,520 LAUGHTER 406 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:26,680 APPLAUSE 407 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,880 Thank you! Goodnight! 408 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,000 Woo! 409 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,040 Woo! 410 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:36,960 Well, I've done it. 411 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,360 What? 412 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,960 You were talking about me up there. 413 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,240 Through you... 414 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,160 ..I was on that stage. 415 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,920 You were brilliant tonight, Alma. 416 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,480 You're definitely the funniest person on the planet. 417 00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,640 Think that's a bit much. 418 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,560 No, I don't think so. 419 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,400 Do you know, I'm proud of every rebellious decision I've ever made. 420 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,080 Hmm. 421 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,320 I mean, look at you. 422 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,320 I've not done so bad, have I? 423 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,960 No. 424 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,680 Bob the speakers on. 425 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,040 I want Edith. OK. 426 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,840 Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, by Edith Piaf 427 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:41,800 # Non, rien de rien 428 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:47,480 # Non, je ne regrette rien 429 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:52,720 # Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait 430 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,680 # Ni le mal 431 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,720 # Tout ca m'est bien egal 432 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:04,040 # Non, rien de rien 433 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,840 # Non, je ne regrette rien 434 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:14,360 # C'est paye, balaye 435 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,600 # Oublie 436 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:22,560 # Je me fous du passe. # 437 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:24,960 JOAN COUGHS 438 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,440 I'd like to see everyone tomorrow. 439 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,440 Before... 440 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,440 SHE COUGHS 441 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,080 Hmm! 442 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,320 THEY CHUCKLE 443 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,840 Aww. He's lovely, isn't he? 444 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,280 What's he called? 445 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:45,880 Koo. 446 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,120 Koo? Yeah. 447 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,600 I don't know why. I just like it. 448 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,720 Fair enough. 449 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,160 I feel really loved and protected by him. 450 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,960 He's masterful, but deeply kind. 451 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,680 I hope you find someone as kind as Koo. 452 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,680 'Night, Grandma. 453 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,040 Night-night, sweetheart. 454 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,160 Mm. 455 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,920 SHE COUGHS 456 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,600 They taste exactly the same as the big ones, 457 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,760 only they're so much smaller so you can fit them in your handbag. 458 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,200 That's brilliant. 459 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,760 That's brilliant, cos when your blood sugar drops 460 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,880 and you're out and about, you're fucked. 461 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:39,920 Exactly. 462 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,840 Evie, I saw that! 463 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,840 What? It's not like she'll need it where she's going. 464 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,000 Right, take what you want, but not the telly or my penis. 465 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,880 That sculpture's priceless to me. 466 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,120 I always carry an emergency Chomp in my bag. 467 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,480 You never! I do. 468 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,200 SHE CACKLES 469 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,360 You're joking! 470 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,440 No. I always have one! 471 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:06,840 Look in my bag. 472 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,720 Oh, hiya, Dickie. 473 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,760 Hiya, love. 474 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,080 Right, Joany, I've brought you some lavender 475 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,000 and some chives from my garden. Anti-cancer herb, chive. 476 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,560 Bit late for that, Dickie. Have a whiff of that. 477 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,280 Oh, yeah, that's lovely. 478 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,360 You like it? Mm. 479 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,360 Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that. 480 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,600 Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that. 481 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,680 Bob that under your pillow at night, you'll sleep like a baby. 482 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,560 Evie! 483 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,960 What? 484 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,040 Something to remember her by. 485 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,360 Oh, that you can definitely have. 486 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,200 Look what the cat's dragged in. 487 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,560 Joan. Oh, Jim. 488 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,320 Hello, Mother. Oh, hello, you. 489 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,720 You're not going to shout today, are you? 490 00:21:58,720 --> 00:21:59,920 I'm very tired. 491 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,040 For fuck's sake, I'm not going to do, am I? 492 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,840 I brought you some fucking grapes. 493 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,840 LIN CRIES 494 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,560 Oh, Lin. Come here... 495 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,160 ..you silly sod. It's all right. 496 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,440 What you doing with that?! 497 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,080 Bloody fun police again! 498 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,040 It's not a fucking party, Evie! 499 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,800 I'm celebrating my sister's life, Lin. 500 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,320 Put that fag out an' all! 501 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,520 They've done enough damage to our Joany as it is. 502 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,920 They can't do much more to me now. Give us a drag. 503 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:46,880 Fabulous. 504 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,600 JOAN COUGHS 505 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,000 Want some of this? Hmm. Hmm. 506 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,160 Take it. Oh, lovely. 507 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,560 Ta. 508 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,440 Hey, Joany, do you remember when we used to go 509 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,280 and nick Dad's baccy, smoke it in the coal shed? 510 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,400 Eh? 511 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:11,960 Yeah. 512 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,160 We snuck a lot of stuff into that coal shed, didn't we? 513 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,360 Eh? 514 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,680 First the ciggies, then the boys. THEY GIGGLE 515 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,520 Horrible, you two! 516 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,240 Bloody hell, Joany! Hmm. 517 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,400 Evie! She said anything but the penis. 518 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,160 I don't remember that. 519 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,040 Selfish cow! 520 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,040 I'm the cow?! 521 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,480 YOU'RE the cow! 522 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,040 Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Oh, don't start all that again! 523 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,640 Moo! Moo! Come on! Moo! Moo! 524 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,840 Moo! Moo! Moo-moo! Moo-moo-moo! 525 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,440 Mum? Mum?! 526 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,320 Mum?! 527 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,920 FART 528 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,480 Mum? 529 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,320 It's the last gasp, Lin. 530 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,400 It's when the soul leaves the body. 531 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,200 What, through your arse?! 532 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,240 SNIFFLING 533 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,760 Oh... 534 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,120 ..look at the moon. 535 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,120 She really let one rip, our Joany, didn't she? 536 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:11,600 Stinks in here. 537 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,000 There was nobody quite like my grandma. 538 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,400 She was completely unique. 539 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:38,520 A tour de force. 540 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,600 A whirlwind. 541 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,280 She was full of contradictions. 542 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,520 Ferocious, but deeply sensitive. 543 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,400 Full of love, with an acid tongue. 544 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,440 Other-worldly and wise 545 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,160 but with the undiluted innocence and enthusiasm of a child. 546 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,480 She loved Spam and Chanel. 547 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,240 QUIET CHUCKLES 548 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,920 She hated pretension but drank red wine out of a tumbler 549 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,080 "to feel more Basque". 550 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,720 LAUGHTER 551 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:11,800 She was a clown. 552 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,440 She was a beauty. 553 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:16,800 She was a witch. 554 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,880 She was a star. 555 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,400 SHE SNIFFS 556 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:22,880 And I'll miss her... 557 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:25,720 ..forever. 558 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,320 Thank you. 559 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,280 Boombastic by Shaggy 560 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,200 # Mr Boombastic 561 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,880 # What you want is some Boombastic, romantic 562 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,160 # Fantastic lover 563 00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,280 # Shaggy 564 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,320 # Mr Lover lover, mm 565 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,640 # Mr Lover lover 566 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:06,720 # Hehe, girl 567 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,600 # Mr Lover lover, mm 568 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,920 # Mr Lover lover 569 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,680 # She call me Mr Boombastic. # 570 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,200 DOOR CREAKS OPEN 571 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,080 SHE SNIFFS 572 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:46,360 Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, by Edith Piaf 573 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:56,360 # Non, rien de rien 574 00:27:56,360 --> 00:28:01,960 # Non, je ne regrette rien 575 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:07,240 # Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait 576 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,360 # Ni le mal 577 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:13,280 # Tout ca m'est bien egal 578 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:18,120 # Non, rien de rien 579 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,960 # Non, je ne regrette... #