1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,599 Nic. Jen. You're great. I try. 2 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,759 I've lost my cat, got a distraught son... 3 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,119 Mum, come on. We're going to be late again! 4 00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,199 Well, we should celebrate. Yes. 5 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,759 You know. There's vibes. 6 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,039 Dan, this is Jen. Jen, this is Dan. 7 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:15,559 Jen. Nice to meet you. Dan. 8 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:16,999 I've got to be really good tonight 9 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,959 cos it's Ollie's birthday tomorrow morning. 10 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,559 Yeah. Opa! Opa! 11 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,599 It was like my twin flame. 12 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,359 What? With... Not with him. 13 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:26,879 With a guy called Alex. 14 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,999 Did you just break up, or...? 15 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,639 STOP THE TRAIN! HELP ME, PLEASE! 16 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,080 SHE SCREAMS 17 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,640 Oh, God. 18 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,319 LAUGHTER AND MUSIC REVERBERATES 19 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,320 God! 20 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,799 To the good times! 21 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,679 Why do you drink? Why do you do it to yourself? 22 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,599 Why do you keep making the same mistake, Nic? 23 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:52,959 Hmm? Hmm? 24 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,799 I'm stuck. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't have a job. 25 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,399 But I don't understand. If you're not happy with Dan, 26 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,120 why can't you leave now? 27 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,679 You opened them. Mm? 28 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,039 You opened them without me. 29 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,719 Yeah, cos you were fast asleep and he wanted to crack on. 30 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,479 So, sorry. 31 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,999 Yeah. I mean, when you were asleep, to be honest, 32 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,599 you looked like you were dead. 33 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,039 You were dribbling and everything. It was horrific. 34 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,559 Was I? Yeah. Yeah. 35 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,639 It's actually quite sad. Oh, God. 36 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,679 I can't believe I had that much to drink. 37 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,079 Really? 38 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:37,279 Look, I was battered and I was singing Fresh Prince, the rap, 39 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,239 so I've lost my voice. Really? 40 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,759 Well, I didn't do it on purpose. 41 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,039 I've organised all of this. I know, I know. 42 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,399 And Jen just kept topping me up, and topping me up, 43 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,359 and topping me up, and topping me up. Yeah. 44 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,199 Was it her idea to get the port? 45 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,799 She get that out, did she, the port? 46 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,439 What? That bottle of port's from four Christmases ago, Nic, 47 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,760 I'm surprised you woke up. 48 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,640 You had a lot to chat about, then. 49 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,080 Where is Jen? She's gone. 50 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,119 Thought she was staying the night? 51 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,079 Yeah, but Harry couldn't sleep, so she had to take him back. 52 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,639 When? Dunno. Just in the night. 53 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,319 Oh. 54 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,959 Well, did he like his camera? 55 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,999 Yeah, I think so. Did you? 56 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,239 Me, what, huh? Do you like your camera? 57 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,879 I spent ages choosing that, lad. 58 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,639 Er, yeah. 59 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,519 Yeah, I mean, like, when I, 60 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,359 like, when I opened the box, I was just, like, 61 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,759 "Pfff, whoa." 62 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,159 We're getting you cash as well. Yeah, cash is nice. 63 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,399 Have you taken a picture with the hat that your mum sent? 64 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,639 No. Well, no, cos he's in his pyjamas. Oh, what, you... 65 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:43,199 Well, she's going to be on my case otherwise. 66 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,639 What else did she get you? 67 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,039 Duplo. Are you kidding? 68 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,239 Nope. Oh, my God. That's ridiculous. Two-plus. 69 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,879 I mean, does she know how old you are? 70 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,999 Obviously not. This is for infants. 71 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,439 Christ Almighty. 72 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,479 Right. I'm not wearing that. 73 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:58,639 Nic? No. Yes. 74 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,559 You haven't said "happy birthday" to him yet. 75 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,759 Yes, I have! No, you haven't. Do I get... Have I not? No. 76 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,159 SHE SIGHS Oh, happy birthday, mate. 77 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,239 Ugh! Mum! Just stand there with that. 78 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,719 Quick. Please, mate. Quick. Come on. 79 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,560 Right, stay there. Hang on a sec. OK. 80 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,559 The lighting's not right. You have to go over here. Go over there. 81 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,079 No, Mum. Come on. Chop, chop, chop, chop. I don't want to do it. 82 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,839 Come on, come on. You want that money in your building society, 83 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,159 mate, you better earn it. OK. Right, OK. 84 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,839 Smile. PHONE RINGS 85 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,119 Just do it nicely. 86 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,439 Imagine that's a load of cash. 87 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,039 I'm not answering that. That's Mum. 88 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,239 Smile nicely. Ha! Hey! 89 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,759 PHONE RINGS Oh. 90 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,679 Ah, she's phoning me now. Don't answer it. 91 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,119 Hello? Yes, Carol. 92 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,879 Yeah. No, he is by his phone. 93 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,799 He just didn't want to talk to YOU. 94 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,999 It was a joke, Carol. 95 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,519 Yes, he's HERE! 96 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,000 Here's Nanny! 97 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,519 Hi, Nan. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 98 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,199 Yeah, yeah. Right, right. I loved it. 99 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,839 It's just... Yeah, it's... The present... It's just amazing. 100 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:04,639 Yeah. I'm wearing my hat for a picture for you and... 101 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,999 You know that when I opened it, I was just, like, 102 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,680 "Cor! It's just so good!" 103 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,399 Yeah. 104 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,119 Um. 105 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,719 It's, like... 106 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,120 Oh. 107 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,999 HE STAMMERS 108 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,039 Babe? I'm sorry. 109 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,399 I didn't mean it. Don't be sorry for that. 110 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,559 That's... I'm unbelievably proud of you. 111 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,359 That was good. That was quite good. That was good, weren't it? I know. 112 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,039 That was really great. PHONE RINGS 113 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,519 Don't hang up on her like that. Oh, she's phoning again. 114 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,719 Pass me some of that wrapping paper. 115 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,279 Hiya, Carol. 116 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,599 No, I can't. 117 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,280 Can you not hear me at all? 118 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,479 Hey, Mum? 119 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,319 What? We're a bit bored. 120 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,239 I mean, have you tried wrapping Denin up in some bog roll? 121 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,559 Yeah, we've done that. That's page one. 122 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,999 I don't know, then. Do what normal kids do - just wet toilet paper 123 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,759 and just throw it at the ceiling. 124 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,280 All right. God... Oh, God... 125 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,120 Cheers, Mum. 126 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,680 SHE SIGHS 127 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,839 Ew, I saw that! 128 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,200 That's disgusting! 129 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,799 Go on, then. Lucky dip. 130 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,400 Gross! Shame on you! 131 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,399 It was that one. BELLY GROWLS 132 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,439 Oh, God. 133 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,080 Oh, God, no! 134 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,519 Get out! 135 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,840 Get out now! 136 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,399 Oh... 137 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,480 SHE BREAKS WIND VIOLENTLY 138 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,799 BREAKING WIND CONTINUES 139 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,439 LUCY: Nic? Is that you? 140 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,159 SHE MOUTHS 141 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,679 Hi, Lucy. 142 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,239 Are you all right in there? It sounds very painful. 143 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,079 No, I'm fine! 144 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,319 Everyone's arrived. 145 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,919 OK, great! 146 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,079 Yeah. Um, the kids are getting a bit restless, 147 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,519 so I think we should put Ollie's film on now. 148 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,920 OK. Yep, yep, yep, yep. 149 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,639 Um, very quickly... 150 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,839 SHE BREAKS WIND Yeah? 151 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,279 Just while you're there, I just wanted to ask your advice 152 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,119 on something very, very quickly. 153 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,959 I'm thinking about signing up... OK. 154 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,119 Do you think we could talk about this later? 155 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,999 Oh, OK! Do you want me to ask you when you're done? Yeah, please. 156 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,400 Thanks! Okey do key. Good luck! 157 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,719 SHE SIGHS AND VIOLENTLY BREAKS WIND 158 00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:00,080 WIND BREAKING SLOWLY ABATES 159 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,800 AEROSOL SPRAYS 160 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,759 Lucy, are you still there? 161 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,239 Go! Please, go! 162 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,800 DOOR SHUTS 163 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,760 CHILD DROPS 164 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,959 Oh, God! 165 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,560 SHE CRIES OUT God! 166 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,079 SHE GROANS 167 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,960 SHE SIGHS 168 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,679 MOCKINGLY: "It's a boy!" 169 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,919 Nic? 170 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,319 Nic? 171 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:44,879 What's wrong? What's happened? 172 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,239 I've got to stop shopping when I'm pissed. 173 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,399 Why am I like this?! Oh... 174 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,279 Oh, just shut up. You're amazing. You know you are. 175 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,599 Oh... 176 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,879 I keep getting flashes of something I said to you last night. 177 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,119 What do you mean? 178 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,079 I can't remember quite what it was, but I'm just... urrrrgh! 179 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,919 What did I say to you? Ugh... 180 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,039 You're just... You're just going to absolutely drive yourself mad... 181 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,399 I know... with all this. OK? I know, I know. 182 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,839 That's why you're so messed up, OK? 183 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,919 Because you never talk to anyone about it. I know! 184 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,159 You hold it all in all the time. 185 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,480 Jeez, Nic, you're just a human. 186 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,679 We've all done shit, OK? Oh... 187 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,279 God... I would never, ever tell anyone about it. 188 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,919 You promise? I promise. 189 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,759 You'd never say anything? I promise, I would never. Oh, my God... 190 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,919 It's not your fault, Nic. None of it was your fault. 191 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,959 I can't deal with this. You can, you can, look. Come on, get up. 192 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,839 God, it's like a load of rats have escaped from a lab! 193 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,079 They're like animals! I know! 194 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,959 But, you know, you asked for this, so, come on. 195 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,519 Oh, God, right... 196 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,119 ...that's it. 197 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,959 Everything hurts. I know, I know. 198 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,199 NOTIFICATION TONE 199 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,360 Oh... 200 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,479 Oh! What? 201 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,919 I knew this was going to happen... What?! 202 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,399 ...so I made a call. 203 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,479 This is going to sort you right out. 204 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,239 Please say it's drugs. 205 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,959 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 206 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,440 CHANTS: Ollie! Ollie! 207 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,039 Oh...! Really good. 208 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,599 His mind is, whoa. 209 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,879 He's very clever. I tell you what we should do. 210 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,079 We should go on a girls' trip, we should do a spa day. 211 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,399 Spa day! Spa day! 212 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,919 Girls, girls, shush. 213 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,519 Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sh! 214 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,199 Girls' trip, do a spa day. 215 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,679 Yeah! Bath Spa! 216 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:30,919 I tell you what as well. 217 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,399 Why don't we go to this brilliant Greek restaurant 218 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,359 where they do the... 219 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,719 You know, the spinning round thing? They smash the plate. 220 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,359 Girls' trip, Bath Spa. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! 221 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,199 And leave the grumpy old git at home. 222 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,079 THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY 223 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,879 TV PLAYS, SHE SNORES 224 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,479 WHISPERS: Ready? 225 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,239 Three, two, one. 226 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,599 Boom. 227 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,199 SHE GROANS 228 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,999 HE GIGGLES 229 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,320 Go, go! 230 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,599 You all right? What you doing? Nothing. 231 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,519 DOORBELL CHIMES 232 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,879 Ugh... Who's that? 233 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,239 Who's ringing? I don't know. What's the time? 234 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,359 Everyone got picked up from the party, didn't they? 235 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,679 How should I know?! 236 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,199 It was your party, mate. 237 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,119 Hey! Hey! 238 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,560 It's Suze. Oh, Suze! Hey! 239 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,519 Hey, how you doing, buddy? 240 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,599 Hey. Hello, Auntie Suze. 241 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,639 Nice to see you! You too! 242 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,239 OK. So, I know I'm the absolute worst because I missed your party, 243 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,639 but I have got you the most awesome present. 244 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,679 Thank you. Can I get you a drink, Suze? 245 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,759 Uh... No, I can't stay long, sorry. 246 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,759 So, I know this is a bit niche, 247 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,999 but I had these especially made 248 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,999 just for you. 249 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,640 Wait... Oh, my God! 250 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,239 What is it? What is it? 251 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,599 It's the... the... Remember the stop-motion thing we saw on telly? 252 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,039 Yeah. It's that! Yeah, they're Claymation figures. 253 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,999 They've got wires in them so you can bend them whichever way you want. 254 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,999 I can't get you a glass of wine? I can't stay, honestly. Sorry. 255 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,680 Actually, listen, I've been thinking about... 256 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,159 ...Alex's anniversary. Oh, yeah. 257 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:10,359 And I thought maybe we could get a memorial seat at Old Trafford. 258 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,999 That's a great idea. Yeah? OK, cool. 259 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,239 It's, like, a couple thousand for the plaque. 260 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,839 Well, that's fine. I can chip in. 261 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,319 Weirdly, we were talking about maybe putting some money... 262 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,719 They've given me a map of the different seats available. 263 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,399 ...behind the bar at his favourite pub. I don't know anything about 264 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,399 football, so I thought maybe you could choose. 265 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,639 Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. 266 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,279 Yeah? What should I get on the plaque? 267 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,679 Um... It's no swearing. They're a bit weird about it, so... 268 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,479 Yeah, I'll think of something, yeah. Like a nickname or something? 269 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,599 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he had a load of them. 270 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,839 Yeah, that's nice. That's lovely. Yeah. 271 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,799 Cool. Great. 272 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,239 Right, I've got to go, I've got to go. Sorry. 273 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,079 I've got to go to this boring dinner and wonder why the guy playing 274 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,119 opposite me is on twice as much as I am. Yay! 275 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,439 Oh, God, yes. Ooh, um... Thank you! 276 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,999 Happy birthday. Oh... Thanks, Auntie Suze. 277 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,479 Oh, that's great. That's great. I've got to go. I'm sorry. 278 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,359 Bye, Auntie Suze. Love you! Bye-bye. Love you. Bye-bye, Bye-bye. 279 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,160 Oh, God, we must go for that coffee, Sue. 280 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,719 When you used to hang out with him, 281 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,840 you made me so uncomfortable. 282 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,800 I'm going to go to bed, I think. 283 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:30,880 OK. 284 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,120 Night, Mum. Night. 285 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:44,240 AMOROUS MOANS AND SHOUTS 286 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,759 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 287 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,359 ALEX: Who's ready to hear the sock story? 288 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,039 So, as most of you will probably know... 289 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,959 It's 20 to three, Dan. 290 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,800 WEDDING HOME VIDEO PLAYS ON TV 291 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,759 And what did she see? 292 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,879 She saw a 14-year-old Dan furiously, 293 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:29,319 furiously giving it to his favourite football sock. 294 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,679 Come to bed, Dan. 295 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,119 Yeah, I'm coming to bed. 296 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,279 In a bit, yeah. 297 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,559 This was just around the time 298 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,519 he got made captain of the school football team. 299 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,719 What kind of disgusting power trip was this? 300 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,439 LAUGHTER ON VIDEO 301 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,599 So, I went to the same school as Dan, 302 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,760 and I made it my business to tell the entire school. 303 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,719 And by lunchtime, I get pulled into the headmaster's office, 304 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,999 and he says to me, "Alex..." 305 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,200 You never told me what you actually saw. Dan...! 306 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,319 I've got an image of it in my head, 307 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,279 and I just need to know if it was better or worse. 308 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,879 It was quick. 309 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,399 That's it. That's all you need to know. 310 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,559 I know I'm making this about me. I know you loved him too. I'm sorry. 311 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,119 An exploration into the groom's proudest 312 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,839 and funniest moments by way of a gentle roast. 313 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,639 Who's that? Who's that boy? 314 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,359 It's a cousin, isn't it? 315 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,080 And that girl. 316 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,680 INDISTINCT SPEECH 317 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,199 APPLAUSE ON VIDEO 318 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,240 Come to bed. Come on. 319 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,239 I just want to understand why you didn't... 320 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,799 I'm not doing all of this. Come to bed. 321 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,519 IN TUNE OF ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: ♪ If you walk into his room, 322 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,239 ♪ You will get a shock... ♪ Everyone! 323 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,119 ALL: ♪ Dan, Dan, Dan the perve, wanked into a sock 324 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:47,799 ♪ If you walk into this room, you will get a shock. ♪ 325 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,079 Again! 326 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,560 THEY LAUGH 327 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,519 Oh, I love it! 328 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,359 Wow, reverse! 329 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:57,999 Really good, Ollie. 330 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,239 NOTIFICATION TONE 331 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:03,039 Oh, no... What? 332 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,319 She's booked the Greek restaurant. 333 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,959 No! Yes! 334 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,959 And she's sent a gif of a plate being smashed. 335 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,399 Oh, God, no! Yeah! 336 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,079 Oh, my God, how are we going to get out of this? 337 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,039 I don't know! Oh, God! 338 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,919 MOBILE RINGS 339 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,479 Oh, God, is that her? 340 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:23,759 Hello? 341 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,119 Oh, yes. Yeah, speaking. 342 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,320 Oh, my goodness. 343 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,399 Yeah. Where did you find him? 344 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,960 Yeah, I can come now. 345 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,720 Where's my bloody coat? 346 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,919 WEDDING HOME VIDEO PLAYS ON TV 347 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,799 You all right up there, boys? 348 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,199 THEY CHUCKLE 349 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,760 What's so funny? 350 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,640 Oh, shit. 351 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,520 Shit, shit, shit, shit. 352 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,920 Anyone in? Nic? 353 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,039 Always leaving the bloody TV on. 354 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,519 There's an energy crisis going on! 355 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,040 LOUD BREAKING WIND 356 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,879 LOUD BREAKING WIND 357 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,720 MUZAK PLAYS 358 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,200 ANIMAL GROWLS 359 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,319 DOOR OPENS 360 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,519 Oh, hi. Oh, hey! 361 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,399 Oh, I am so sorry to keep you waiting. Oh, that's OK. 362 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,639 I think someone's going to be very happy to see you! 363 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,799 Oh, my God! 364 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,679 Oh, Mr Meowgi! Oh, my gosh! Hello, mate! 365 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,239 "Hello, Mummy!" 366 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,919 Aw, Ollie's going to be so relieved. 367 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,039 He's been good as gold. Oh... Mm-hm. 368 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,599 He's lost a bit of weight. 369 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,439 Yeah, he was very, very hungry when he came in. 370 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,999 Very hungry. 371 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,119 Watch out for his claws! 372 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,719 God, you nasty... CAT MEOWS 373 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,239 That's it, fella. 374 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,919 I'm just going to get you to go in here. 375 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,319 That's it. 376 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,479 Careful of the tail! Yes! 377 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,039 Just put your arse in. Thank you. 378 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,359 Bye-bye! Bye-bye! 379 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,039 SHE MEOWS 380 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,039 CAT MEOWS 381 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,399 BARKING, SQUEALING AND GROWLING 382 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,479 All right... 383 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,119 Found Mr Meowgi! Mum... 384 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,600 Ollie! Mum. 385 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,080 What's happened? 386 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,479 Do you want to tell her, or shall I? 387 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,359 Do you want to...? 388 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:51,039 These two have just spent 45 minutes tormenting me. 389 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:52,879 What have you done? 390 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,999 Well, it was my idea to use the Fart Blaster. 391 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,159 Sorry, what's a Fart Blaster? That. 392 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,399 FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND 393 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,879 THAT is a Fart Blaster. 394 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,680 FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND 395 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,080 What did you do in this? 396 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,919 It was my idea to use the surround sound. 397 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,399 Can you imagine what that... FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND 398 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,079 ...is like? 399 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,039 365 degrees, just everywhere. 400 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,160 FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND IN VARIETY OF STYLES 401 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,559 I'm so sorry. 402 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,200 I can't imagine... No. 403 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,759 Would you boys... 404 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:36,559 ...like to say sorry to Viv? 405 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,479 I'm sorry we scared you. 406 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,719 Um, well... 407 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,399 We were just having a laugh. 408 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,199 That's not an apology, is it? 409 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,999 No. Mm-hm. 410 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,919 What do you say? Sorry, Viv. 411 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,279 Because what must have that been like for you? 412 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:51,879 SHAKILY: That was absolutely... 413 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,039 It was one of the worst experiences of my life. 414 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,759 It was traumatising. Yeah. 415 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,359 OK, I don't want to be too vulnerable in front of the children. 416 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,199 SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER: I know. I'm so sorry. 417 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,439 No cleaning's been done, so I'm sorry about that. 418 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,959 Do you know what? I don't blame you. 419 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,679 Imagine you in that situation. I'd be just as terrified as you were. 420 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,639 Could you do cleaning with THAT in your whole system? 421 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,479 Are you going to be all right to drive? Well, I don't know. 422 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,879 Would you be? 423 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,679 Well, I mean, it was sort of only farts. 424 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,039 All right, I guess I'll go, then, shall I? 425 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,639 To you, it was only farts. 426 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,639 It was A LOT MORE than that to me. 427 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,879 Though... 428 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,199 I tell you what, though, I would not wish that on anyone. 429 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,880 Not even Katie Hopkins. 430 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,119 DOOR SHUTS 431 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,639 SHE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING 432 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,759 So, anyway, hi, Ollie, I'm home! 433 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,279 CAT MEOWS 434 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,039 Ta-da! Who's that? 435 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,960 What do you mean, who is it? It's Mr Meowgi. 436 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,759 Wow. 437 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,199 All right, come on, Harry. 438 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,400 Ollie! Ollie! Yeah? 439 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,639 Thank you, Mother! 440 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,559 It's... It's cool. 441 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:09,519 Come on, Harry, let's go to the shed, it's boring in here. 442 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,679 Sorry, mate. 443 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,719 I'm glad you're home, even if Ollie couldn't give a shit. 444 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,839 You all right, mate? Where have you been? 445 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,719 Sorry, just been on the phone to my mum. 446 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,599 Had to hang up, like, eight times. She just wouldn't shut up. 447 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,279 Found the cat. Oh, nice! 448 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,359 Ollie wasn't bothered. He wasn't? No, not at all. 449 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,040 Where've they gone? They've gone out to the shed, have they? Yeah. 450 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,879 What's... What's this doing out? 451 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,319 Oh, I don't know. Maybe the kids got it out. 452 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,679 Who put this on? Nice, I don't know... 453 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,920 Who put it on?! I don't know. Are you OK? 454 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,639 What's wrong? 455 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:44,879 That's him. 456 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,280 Who's him? 457 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,720 That's HIM? 458 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,480 Oh, mate... 459 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,079 So hello. 460 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,639 This is the recipes. 461 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,799 For those of you who don't know me, I am Alex. 462 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,519 I am Dan's younger, better looking brother. 463 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,879 Right, Nic? 464 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,520 Oh, fuck. 465 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,640 Yikes. 466 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,319 But you can roll it in glitter and, ladies and gentlemen, 467 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,079 isn't my brother sparkling today? 468 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,879 Give him a round of applause. 469 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:17,920 God, he hated that tie. 470 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,279 You know, I've never been able to watch this all the way through. 471 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,040 Why not? 472 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,559 Cos it all fucking started on my wedding day. 473 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,279 ...trod dog shit all into the carpets 474 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,520 on the first day he had his first car. 475 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,439 Stop! It's so fun! Stop it! 476 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,199 Oh, for God's sake. Oh... 477 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,519 The suits are good. Oh, you think? 478 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,119 Yeah, I'm surprised. What do you mean, you're surprised? 479 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,239 Suits never fit me, especially when they're hired. 480 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,239 Moss Bros! Yeah, it looks good on the botty. 481 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,039 Yeah, it does. Still enough space to... 482 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,279 SHE LAUGHS ..cut the rug later. 483 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,279 Don't! For God's sake! 484 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,679 Just had a champagne with Mum. Oh, no... 485 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,999 She went to the general manager of the hotel... 486 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,799 Right, right. ..to specifically ask... Yeah? 487 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,719 ...that no-one disturb her while she practises the song. 488 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,519 Oh, God... Oh... 489 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,640 She's insane. Ugh! 490 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,720 Um... Are you all right? Are you OK? Yeah. 491 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,999 Oh, God. Don't, you're scaring me! What is it? 492 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,559 If I don't say, I'm never going to say it. Um... 493 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,880 I just wanted to say that... 494 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,080 ...I think you're amazing... 495 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,359 ...and I think I'm in love with you. 496 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,639 LOUD CLATTER 497 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,799 Babe, I'm so sorry! I couldn't find anywhere to park. 498 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,599 There were no spaces at all, 499 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,959 so I had to go and park in the bloody golf club 500 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,959 and lug all of this stuff from over there. 501 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,559 Oh... Can you imagine? No. What a blooming nightmare. 502 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,039 I mean, how can a place like this, of this scale, 503 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,559 have such a small bloody car park? 504 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,359 I have no idea. Make it make sense. 505 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,759 Can we make it make sense, please?! No, I don't... 506 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,759 Oh, gosh. The day! 507 00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,639 My boyfriend was up all night, yeah? Yeah? 508 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,719 My boyfriend was up all night being sick. Oh... 509 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,159 Well, from every angle, really - from the front and the back. 510 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,839 Because I gave him a fish pie that I made on Monday on Saturday. 511 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,319 Because this bitch, he saw me in my new Givenchy coat, 512 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,239 and he said to me that I look like a character out of the Muppets. 513 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,599 Oh... That's... 514 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,199 That coat is beautiful. Yeah? Very beautiful. 515 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,119 And I know, I know I shouldn't have given him that fish pie, 516 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,319 but he hurt me. And when that fool used to walk around town dressing 517 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,119 like he was in the Peaky Blinders, did I say anything? No. 518 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,759 No, I didn't, because I knew it would destroy him. Yeah. 519 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,679 Anyway, anyway, are we, are we, are we excited about today? 520 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,639 Yes! Sorry! This is Alex. Alex. 521 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,039 Jesus. Alex, this is Jesus. Lovely to meet you, Alex. 522 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,919 Sorry, Jesus? Jesus, yes. 523 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,319 Um, babe, could you get me a coffee, by any chance? 524 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,039 Yes, Jesus. Um... How do you take it? 525 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,320 Cappuccino, please. No sugar. 526 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,319 Um... It's a hotel, so there's only instant in the rooms. 527 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,359 Don't they do cappuccinos at the bar downstairs? 528 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,439 Yeah. Mm-hm? Brilliant. Thank you very much. 529 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,519 Do you want the chocolate dust on the top? 530 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,440 Everything, please. Give me it all. 531 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,199 DOOR SHUTS OK, he's a little bit sexy. 532 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,479 Mm-hm. I would like a bit of that, please. 533 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,559 Yeah? Oh, I like him a lot. 534 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,559 I'm very happy for you, you're in a good place. 535 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,199 But isn't it bad luck to see the groom before you get married? 536 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,879 SHE SPLUTTERS Sorry, he's not the groom. 537 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:14,399 Absolutely not the groom. 538 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,839 Right... Sorry, he's not. 539 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,199 Um... Has anything changed since the consultation? 540 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:19,479 You're still happy with...? 541 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,359 I was just wondering, possibly, 542 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,239 if I could have sort of shorter lashes, if that was possible? 543 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,439 No. No? No, babe, I really wouldn't know. 544 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,039 No, you need to trust me. Shorter lashes do not photograph well. 545 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,119 OK. Could we go a bit neutral on the lips, possibly? 546 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,639 No, I don't think so. No? OK. Yep. Stick with the plan. 547 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,679 All right, let me get started with your base. 548 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,119 DOOR OPENS 549 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,079 SUZIE: I'm sorry, but your flower girl is a prick. Oh, I know. 550 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,319 I know she's only six but, my God, she's a massive prick! I know! 551 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,119 And guess who organised that one! Wonderful Carol. 552 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,999 Please don't make me go back out there. 553 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,759 No, no, no, don't go back out there. 554 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,439 Carol, made me, FORCED me, by the way, to have her. Ugh! 555 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,559 Have you seen your mother-in-law yet? 556 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,039 Oh, God, no. 557 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,639 She's a piece of work too! 558 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,319 If I started stabbing her, I would just never stop stabbing. 559 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,839 God, it's like she can't handle that 560 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,919 you'll be, like, the centre of attention today. 561 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,399 She can't handle anybody being the centre of attention. 562 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,919 And she tried to palm Ollie off to me. 563 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,359 Hi, Carol! 564 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,439 Oh, Suzie! There you are! 565 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,079 Hi, Carol! OLLIE CRIES 566 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,159 You couldn't just take him for a couple of seconds, could you? 567 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,080 I'm sorry, I can't. 568 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,919 Nicola? Yeah? 569 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,079 Please could you take him for a minute? 570 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,119 Oh, just... I've still got to get ready. 571 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:27,759 I'm just getting ready for my wedding. 572 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,559 But he just wants you. 573 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,959 He's just a bit tired, Carol. 574 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,919 Are you still all right to do me afterwards? Yeah, we're good. 575 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,719 Am I paying for that? No. 576 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,919 No, I know, you just want your mummy, don't you? 577 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,879 ALEX: Hey, cappuccino. 578 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,120 Oh, we are here! Thank you, baby! 579 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,360 Are you good? 580 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,239 Hey, what's wrong, big man? Why are you crying? 581 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,559 Oh, he just wants his mummy! Why are you crying? 582 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,199 Silly Nana. Mummy's getting married. 583 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,439 Oh... Come on. Come on, mate. 584 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,199 Let's go check the United score. 585 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,559 Say, "Bye, Mummy. Love you. Love you lots." 586 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:00,719 Thank you. 587 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,839 You're not going to be much longer, are you? 588 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,999 No... Mum, give Nic some space, yeah? 589 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,199 All right! Yeah. Come on. 590 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,880 I got you, I got you. 591 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,239 Did you notice that? 592 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,919 What? Alex. 593 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,279 What about Alex? 594 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,559 He's pulling away from me. 595 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,359 Really? Yes, I can feel it. 596 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:30,679 He's giving me that vibe, like, the last couple of weeks. 597 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,279 Really? Yes! No... You know when you just know? 598 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,799 Oh, my God, no, no, no, no. Yes! 599 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,359 I didn't see your man. 600 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,439 What's he like? Tell me about him. He's... Uh, Dan? 601 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,359 Um... He's very reliable and sort of... Fantastic. 602 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,759 ...like an A4 envelope, I suppose. 603 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,079 Cos you've got a lot of sauce, I thought you need someone 604 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,159 that's going to be quite sturdy in that way. 605 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,799 I saw him earlier and he was grinning from ear to ear. 606 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,719 Really? Yeah. He looked like a right dickhead. 607 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,159 Dan, you always did well at school. You were brilliant at football. 608 00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,679 You took over the business from Dad 609 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,919 and you've absolutely smashed that as well. 610 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,079 You excel at everything you put your mind to, Dan. 611 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,999 And, of course, as your little brother, 612 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,119 I did get jealous every now and then. 613 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,279 And then Dan met Nic and I thought, 614 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,959 "Holy shit, he's done it. 615 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,440 "He's found the one." 616 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,439 He's found a unicorn, 617 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:20,519 a woman so funny she can make you cry with laughter. 618 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,439 So witty and smart she can tie us all in knots. 619 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,759 So beautiful - and I'm sure you'll all agree - 620 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,119 that today she took all of our breath away. 621 00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:32,959 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 622 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,000 And you will never find a better mother. 623 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,039 That's a round of applause, guys. 624 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,959 That's your cue for the round of applause. 625 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,479 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 626 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,479 But most importantly, she is really good at telling Dan 627 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,959 when he's being a massive bell end. 628 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,999 LAUGHTER 629 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,359 Dan, I love you. 630 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,079 Nic, I love you. 631 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,959 SPEECH FADES OUT 632 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,479 ♪ She stands before the mirror 633 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,719 ♪ Smiles at her reflection 634 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,360 ♪ Striking sexy poses in the glass 635 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,239 ♪ She paints her lips a brilliant red 636 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,559 ♪ Piles her hair high on her head 637 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,480 ♪ Struggles to replace a false eyelash 638 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,439 ♪ And all at once inside her mind 639 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,279 ♪ She sees him at the door 640 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:30,039 ♪ And as he's leading her away 641 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,319 ♪ She feels the room begin to sway 642 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,839 ♪ Where beauty lives in memory 643 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,840 ♪ She falls dead upon the floor 644 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,319 ♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall 645 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:51,920 ♪ Who's the fairest of them all? ♪