1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,999 Dad, Mum's being weird. Yeah, well, Mum's always weird. 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,599 SHE SCREAMS 3 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,279 Do you think it's cos I haven't signed up to help with the hedgehog hunt? 4 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,759 I'm not going to make a potato salad for that! 5 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,239 I don't understand what your problem is with her. 6 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:17,159 You're actually a married man trawling Tinder. Oops! 7 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,559 I mean, I found Mr Miaowgi in the wardrobe, mate. 8 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,999 I found him in the tumble dryer. 9 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,959 Alex's memorial's coming up, isn't it? 10 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,079 You never told me what you actually saw. 11 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:29,519 I think I have flashes of something that I said to you last night. 12 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:30,639 Who's that boy? 13 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,599 And that girl... 14 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,439 I need you to look after Harry for me. 15 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,959 Just stay on the phone. Jen! I'll be as quick as I can. 16 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,040 What if we have to look after Harry forever? 17 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,160 You've not been very good, have you? 18 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:48,879 Jen, it's me again. 19 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,759 It's probably about the 47th time I've tried to call you, 20 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,239 or tried to call the police. 21 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,400 Please, please get back to me. 22 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,079 I'm going to kill you. 23 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,839 There's a surprise. She doesn't want to come and look for MDF hedgehogs 24 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,279 in the freezing cold woods. I told you, she's not going to be here. 25 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,679 Well, she might be. She might. 26 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,959 I just... I think she'll come. I do think so. You can't predict what she's going to do. 27 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,520 She's a nutty bitch who didn't even know where she lived. 28 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:16,559 I know. I know. I know. 29 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,399 No, but, like, we know nothing about her. 30 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,719 Maybe she's not even called Jen. Maybe she's called Derek. 31 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,959 Maybe she wears a wig, sellotapes her bollocks to her stomach. 32 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,799 Oh, stop it. Don't... I'm trying to make light of it 33 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,319 cos I'm actually pretty pissed off. 34 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,559 I don't want to be the husband 35 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,279 who says, I told you so, but I did tell you so. Yes. 36 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,399 You all right? You look a bit worried. 37 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,959 Carl Collins said that if you leave out bread and milk for hedgehogs, 38 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:40,719 when they eat it, they explode. 39 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,559 No! Well, they're lactose intolerant so they can't take dairy. 40 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,439 Me and Mum left out bread and milk for the hedgehogs. 41 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,119 Yeah, but I'm sure no hedgehogs were actually harmed. No, no, no. 42 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,039 Well, that's weird because there's a dead hedgehog next to the bowl 43 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,399 that was twice the size. Unless it was just really fat, I don't know what's happened to it. 44 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,959 No, that won't have been the bread and milk, would it? 45 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,079 That would've... That's.. 46 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,239 That would've been the cancer. Cancer. 47 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,359 Cancer! 48 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,759 Like an aggressive form of cancer, I would have thought. 49 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,479 I knew that it was cancer the whole time. Cheers, Mum. 50 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,919 That's all right, babe. Oh, look. 51 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,599 He's got cancer? 52 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,439 Look, I'm just as angry as you. 53 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,079 I'm even angry at myself. 54 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,519 And I know that I'm a massive tit because I'm so gullible. 55 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,879 I really wanted a mate and... Seriously, get rid of her. 56 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,599 Yes, I am. Get rid of her. She's a nightmare. 57 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,679 I know, but I just... I know I don't know her, 58 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,399 but I know that she will come back for Harry. 59 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,879 She will come here today. I just know it. 60 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:34,399 Right. Well, you obviously never read that poem in GCSE English, 61 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:39,919 did you, about the prostitute who... What? ..promises a man sex 62 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,399 by a tree stump and then ties her baby to his back 63 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,839 and fucks off on his horse? 64 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,719 That's mental. Never heard that poem? Never. No. 65 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,799 That's annoying because that's the perfect reference 66 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,999 for this situation. It's absolutely wasted on you. 67 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,839 We just read sort of John Cooper Clarke. 68 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,600 Oh, yeah. Mm. 69 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,919 I'm sorry. I am sorry. 70 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,559 No, don't be sorry, like, she manipulated you. 71 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,159 It's not your fault. She did. 72 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,839 Well, it's just, you know, you're thick as pig shite, that's all. 73 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,319 SHE CHUCKLES 74 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,959 Cheers. That's all right. 75 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,599 I love you, too. 76 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,200 Erm... So... 77 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,639 I should probably say a few words about Alex at tomorrow's memorial. 78 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,239 But I know what I want to say, 79 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,199 but I'm just struggling to sort of... how to say it. 80 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,319 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 81 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,999 So I just thought, like, maybe you could help me with it. 82 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,679 Oh, God, yes, of course. Yeah. Can I read it to you? 83 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,679 I'm just going to check at the start, 84 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,959 just to see if Lucy's heard anything from Jen. 85 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,359 I'll be like two seconds, I promise. 86 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,280 OK? I just... Just a check. 87 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,119 What do you want now? 88 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,239 I want a map. 89 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,039 I did already give you a map. 90 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:51,119 Yeah, but Carl Collins forced me to eat it, so I need a new one now. 91 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,439 Classic Carl Collins, that. 92 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,199 Don't eat that all at once, yeah? 93 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,399 Have you seen Jen? Ah, Nic, now, 94 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,279 did you get a chance to look at my routine? 95 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,239 Be brutal. No, I haven't. Oh. 96 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,279 Have you seen Jen? You don't think I can do it, do you? 97 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,359 Have you seen Jen? But I do have funny bones, Nic, 98 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,599 cos I was the class clown at Sunday school, 99 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,519 and every time Sister Mary turned her back, right, 100 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,799 I'd do that. Jesus Christ. 101 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,999 Have you seen Jen? No. Why? What's the matter? 102 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,119 Oh, she dropped Harry off at ours last night, 103 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,639 didn't tell me where she was going, 104 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,039 can't get hold of her on her phone. 105 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,119 I don't know what to do. I'm completely beside myself. 106 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,679 You've called the police, haven't you? 107 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,879 I did call the police. 108 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,479 And they said, because she's an adult 109 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:27,919 who went off on her own accord, 110 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,679 they couldn't give a flying fuck. 111 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,599 You cannot tell anybody this. 112 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,439 And I know what you're like because you're a blabbermouth. 113 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,319 No, no, no. You absolutely can trust me. 114 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,039 OK, you do not tell anybody. 115 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,559 Went round to the house, 116 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,919 this mad old woman answered the door, 117 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,519 said that SHE lived there. 118 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,039 She'd never heard of Jen. 119 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,799 And then I showed her a picture of Jen and she said, "That's not Jen. 120 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,800 "That's Katya." SHE GASPS 121 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,080 So she never heard of Jen?! 122 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,199 This is a bit of an overreaction. No, no, no. I'm sorry. 123 00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,919 I should never have said anything to you. OK. 124 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,079 You know, I think I can probably help you find out where she lives. 125 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,239 I've got the new Samsung, so I can just Google. 126 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,239 Oh, my God, you're just showing off your new Samsung. Not at all. 127 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,319 What would you Google? 128 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,279 Jen McKenna, Katya, Cockbury, question mark, something like that. 129 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,359 Oh, my God. 130 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:19,079 You need a massive shag, to the point where your headboard 131 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,839 is banging so hard cos your head keeps hitting it. 132 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,239 Possibly. 133 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,399 What I'm going to ask you - don't say anything. 134 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,879 That's all you need to do. Oh, come on! 135 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,319 I would never, not in a situation like this. 136 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,759 Never. 137 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,479 Erm, do... 138 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,639 Do you mind if I just tell Pippa, Toby's mum, 139 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,679 just because we're quite close and I tell her everything 140 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,639 and I wouldn't want her to be out of the loop on this one. 141 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,399 Of course I mind! 142 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,799 What did I just say? 143 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,999 I said don't tell anyone. 144 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,679 What is wrong with you? 145 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,440 What? 146 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,359 I-I have no excuse. 147 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,919 No, you don't have any excuse. 148 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,759 I know... I called... No! 149 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,679 You left your poor son all night with no phone call, 150 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,159 no text to say where you were. 151 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,920 Nothing! You are a massive... 152 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,639 ...bell end. 153 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,120 Bellend's fair. 154 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,960 I'm... I'm sorry. I... 155 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,759 Nic. Nic, please. Nic! 156 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,839 I cannot believe that you've done this to me, 157 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,439 but more importantly, I can't believe you've done this to Harry. 158 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,199 What is wrong with you?! 159 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,079 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 160 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,320 What is wrong with you? 161 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,119 Daniel Radcliffe, nosing in on everyone's business. 162 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,400 Just fuck off, mate. 163 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,199 Now, tell me. 164 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,319 OK. 165 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,839 Harry took me to your house. 166 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,999 So you now live in an estate. Yeah? 167 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,319 You're wearing the same coat as me. 168 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,959 And I don't know who the fuck you are. 169 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,599 Who is Katya?! JEN SIGHS 170 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,279 Where's Harry? Where is he? Oh, now you give a fuck about Harry. 171 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,839 Harry is with Dan, and he's not seeing you like that because, quite 172 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:09,559 frankly, you look dirty, and not in a Christina Aguilera way. 173 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,919 You've got to tell me what's going on. I will. 174 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,439 We need to talk now. 175 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:14,960 You're going to tell me everything. 176 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,480 This one? Yeah. 177 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,679 You've got seven minutes to tell me what the fuck is going on, 178 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,319 because I'll be bloody damned if I miss out 179 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,359 on those cut-out MDF hedgehogs. 180 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:36,999 I'll be bloody damned. 181 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,879 I don't know why you're being so nice to me. 182 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,559 Neither do I. You're a massive prick. 183 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,119 Was Harry all right? Was he upset? 184 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,879 He couldn't have given a shit, like they discovered that Malcolm 185 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,639 next door's skylight was open in his bedroom, so they just kept 186 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,559 throwing Rolos into his sleeping face. 187 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,079 It's all right for me to laugh at that. You can't laugh at that. 188 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,719 I'm so angry with you! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know. 189 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:56,840 Where were you?! 190 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,239 My friend was in trouble. 191 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,799 You sound like Tracy Beaker. 192 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,359 You're covered in soil. 193 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,079 I know. I am. 194 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,559 It's just... 195 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,719 It's just a really long story. 196 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,159 Well, let's make it short. 197 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,279 I mean, I don't like long stories at the best of times. 198 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:15,439 I zone in and out, so just bullet point it, succinct it. Yeah. 199 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:20,279 I, erm, smashed up a greenhouse with a metal watering can. 200 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:21,959 I'm sorry, I thought you just said, 201 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,239 "I smashed up a greenhouse with a metal watering can." 202 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,959 Yeah, I did. Would you like to elaborate on that? 203 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,199 Well, it's cos I needed something heavy, 204 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,599 and the watering can... No, not the watering can! 205 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,719 Right. Why are you smashing up the greenhouse? All right! 206 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,879 Oh, my God, that's like a joke that you'd find in the Chuckle Brothers. 207 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,239 OK, fine. It's my friend Becca. 208 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:44,679 Her husband is abusive, and he's violent, 209 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:50,199 and he's controlling, and he's just an all-round scum of the Earth, 210 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:54,399 waste of space, fucking piece of shit, OK? 211 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,439 And her son, Leo, was the one who called me last night 212 00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,479 when I was at yours. 213 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,199 And he told me that things were getting really bad again, 214 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,639 and he asked me to come and help. 215 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,399 And so that's... that's why I left in the way that I did. 216 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,799 And... and I went to her house. 217 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,840 And when I got there, she wouldn't let me help her. 218 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:16,720 Because he just... 219 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,999 He just gets in her head. 220 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,799 And he just makes her all these promises. 221 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,439 He promises he's going to change and they're going to be happy. 222 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:29,039 And he convinces her, and she believes him. 223 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,359 And then he'll do it all again. 224 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,079 And she doesn't know what she's doing, 225 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,879 she doesn't know where she stands. 226 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,599 And she fucking loves him. 227 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,920 And he knows that. 228 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,120 And he's got this toxic sort of hold over her. 229 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,799 Do you understand? 230 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,960 Yeah. Yeah, I do. 231 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,319 When Becca first told me what was going on, I... 232 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,159 I recorded our conversation. I'm sorry, you recorded a conversation? 233 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,439 Yeah, on my phone. Why would you record a conversation? 234 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,799 It doesn't matter why... It doesn't matter why you did it. 235 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,519 Why would you do it? No, it doesn't matter. 236 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,319 I needed to... It matters to me. Fine! 237 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,119 I recorded it because, when I was young, 238 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,479 something really bad happened to me at home. 239 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,559 And my mum didn't believe me 240 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,159 because she said I didn't have any proof. 241 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,719 So I just record things so that people might believe me. 242 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,999 What bad thing happened to you? 243 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,679 I don't really want to... Be specific. 244 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,799 I need to know everything. 245 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,399 Don't just tell me a half truth. 246 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,520 I want to know ALL the truth. 247 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,599 SOBBING: My stepdad... 248 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:27,840 He... 249 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,680 Oh, my God. He... 250 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,359 It was only once, but my mum, she didn't... 251 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,000 She wouldn't... 252 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,239 Will you... will you just listen to this, please? 253 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,479 No, my wages all go into his account. 254 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,279 It's just like for bills, it's easier. 255 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,119 And he just gives me an allowance in cash. 256 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,159 I haven't got a bank card. Just come and stay with me. 257 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,399 Bring Leo and stay with me. I can't. 258 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,319 He looks at my fucking phone, Jen. 259 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,119 It's not as fucking easy as that. 260 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,599 You don't understand. You don't understand. 261 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,359 Can we just tell someone? What for? 262 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,240 There is nothing I can do. 263 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,920 Please tell me you believe me now. 264 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:20,720 OK. Of course I believe you. 265 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,280 The only thing that's not quite matching up for me... 266 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,599 ...is why did you end up fucking up a greenhouse? 267 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,000 Her husband's, erm... 268 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,639 Well, he's a really keen gardener. Right. 269 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,479 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 270 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,199 So... 271 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,960 I just really felt like fucking it all up. 272 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,759 Do you know, weirdly, 273 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,279 you fucking up a greenhouse... 274 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:54,879 Yeah? ..actually makes me love you a little bit more. 275 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,079 If that's... That's weird. It is. Yeah. 276 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,359 I mean, thank you, but it's... odd. 277 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,039 You've never recorded me, have you? 278 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,519 Why would I do that? 279 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,439 I don't know. You're different. 280 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,960 I would never do that to you. No? 281 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,479 I've got something that'll cheer you up. Right. 282 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,719 So, you know Lucy's been renovating her house. 283 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,359 Yeah. She's got that great big hole in her wall. 284 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:23,559 A bat got in, and it flew into the downstairs bathroom. 285 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,479 And every time she goes into the downstairs bathroom, 286 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,799 it bites her on her face. 287 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,959 And there's nothing she can do about it because it's like 288 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,159 an endangered species. 289 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:35,679 So the wildlife rescue people won't touch it with a bloody bargepole. 290 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,399 And then she ran out of the house. 291 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,639 It followed her all the way down the road. 292 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,279 She ran into the newsagents and the only way they could get 293 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,120 it off her face was to sort of distract it with a Twix. 294 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,479 I... I call bullshit on that. 295 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,799 That can't be true. 296 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,879 Right. I think you need a shower. 297 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,799 Yeah. Because... 298 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,719 Yeah, I can't have a shower cos my boiler is... 299 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,559 Right. Come to mine. You'll have a shower at mine. 300 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,879 Yeah. OK, let's go. 301 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:04,959 You did that really well. 302 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,160 You kept that to five minutes, 39. Oh, wow. 303 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,840 Come here. 304 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,119 How's things with Dan, then? 305 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,599 The only way I could describe it, it's like playing mummies 306 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,679 and daddies at school, in the playground, rearranging 307 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,239 the chairs in the playhouse and pushing the plastic dolly around. 308 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,399 That's about it. 309 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,679 Bleak, isn't it? 310 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,919 I mean, I didn't want to say, but... yeah. 311 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,199 Oh, bollocks. What? 312 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:36,599 Oh, it's 3.00, and I'm supposed to help Dan set up this memorial thing. 313 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,519 Oh. People don't generally eat at those things, do they? 314 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:40,679 You'd be surprised. 315 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,279 I only bought crisps! 316 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,559 Oh, God, no. You've got to do proper food at those things. Really? 317 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,839 Yeah. Sandwiches at the very least. Oh, God. A quiche as well. 318 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,799 She's put her hanging baskets back up. Oh, God. 319 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,639 Do you want to pop in and say hi to Katya? 320 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,119 Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. 321 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,679 So I've got to do a quiche, have I? 322 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,919 Yeah, everyone loves quiche. Oh, really? 323 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,999 And it's, you know, finger food, isn't it? Oh, God. 324 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,799 How are you feeling about it? 325 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,119 Unprepared, obviously. 326 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,759 No, not like the, you know, organisational element. 327 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,559 I meant how are you actually feeling about Alex? 328 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,040 Oh, I miss him every day. 329 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,719 Oi. 330 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,200 DISTANT VOICES 331 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,919 You know how, like, houses can be haunted? 332 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,919 Do you think people can be haunted? 333 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,199 Are you OK? 334 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,320 Yeah, I'm fine. 335 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:36,719 I think, personally, the only sort of people that believe in ghosts 336 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,919 are sort of really sad, bored, lonely people. 337 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,799 Like Viv. Viv? Viv believes in ghosts. 338 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,399 Rest my case. Case in point. 339 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,599 I cannot believe you work for Viv. 340 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:48,839 Yeah. 341 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,919 Lol! Yeah, thanks. 342 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,359 And she fired you! 343 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,279 Yeah, she did. Trololololol! Yeah. 344 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,799 Do you know, you're really vile, aren't you? Very vile human being. 345 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,679 All right, five reasons why 346 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,559 you should help your wife clean the house. 347 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,439 You live here too. You live here too. 348 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,599 You live here too. You live here too. 349 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,040 You live here too. 350 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,959 I'm not really sure that we're your target audience. 351 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,839 Ollie, I think you're going to find, as young men growing up in this 352 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,319 world, this is exactly the type of stuff you need to be hearing, 353 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,879 all right? OK. 354 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,319 OK. Knock, knock. Who's there? 355 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,799 Impatient feminist. 356 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,799 Impatient fe... Why don't we have equal pay yet?! 357 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,199 Why are you screaming about gender pay in my son's sweet face? 358 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,479 Well, the boys just agreed to be my first audience, didn't you? 359 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,879 No. I wouldn't say we agreed. 360 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,999 Oh, my goodness. Erm... 361 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,959 You haven't seen Dan, have you? Yeah. 362 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,039 He said he was going to go and set up for tomorrow. 363 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,599 How was he? Was he all right? Cross? 364 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,599 Well, he was... he was all right. 365 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,679 I think he was wondering where you got to. Yeah. 366 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,519 Oh, God. Erm... 367 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,439 OK, can we just have a heart-to-heart? Woman on woman? 368 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,759 You know I'm always up and ready for that. 369 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,239 I think the fact is that I've always thoroughly disliked you. 370 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,159 What? Justified or unjustified. 371 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,199 How much did I used to slag her off? Every day. 372 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,359 Every day on the way to school? 373 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,719 Every single day. Mental. 374 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,799 What I want to say is, I've had a total eclipse of the sun. 375 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,039 I don't feel that way about you any more. 376 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,519 I really like you. 377 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,839 You showed me a bit of vulnerability, which I like. 378 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,959 I think your comedy is up there with some of the greats, you know? 379 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,319 It's getting there. It's getting there, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. 380 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:25,359 On that note, would it be possible for you to look after these two 381 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,839 while I go and help Dan out at the memorial and maybe to drop them 382 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,399 back home at mine afterwards? Is that OK? 383 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,119 It would be my pleasure. 384 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,639 Brilliant. And on the same note, 385 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,639 would you be able to rustle up a quiche? 386 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,159 Absolutely. That's no problem. I love making... 387 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,079 Well... 20 to 40... 20 to 40 quiches? 388 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,239 For tomorrow morning. 389 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,759 Oh. I mean, you've probably got about... 12 hours? 390 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,319 For the memorial tomorrow. By tomorrow? 391 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,439 Brilliant. I'll leave that with you. 392 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,759 Er, s-sure. Thank you. 393 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,719 Thank you so much, Lucy. 394 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,319 Thank you. 395 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,360 No, thank... 396 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:03,919 Do you know what? You remind me of a very young Jim Carrey. 397 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,119 Wow. Yeah. Wow. 398 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,479 Well, when he was... Thank you. 399 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,639 ...Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, he's trying to hone...find his craft. 400 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,719 Yeah. He hasn't quite got to the Dumb and Dumber. 401 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,679 That is spot-on. An inspiration to many. 402 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,639 Yeah. Don't stop pulling those mad faces! 403 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:19,919 OK. 404 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,759 SHE CHUCKLES 405 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,559 All right. What do you call a woman who has loads of sex? 406 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:25,599 I don't know. 407 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,079 Her name! 408 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,359 Dan, I'm just getting in a taxi now. 409 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:30,879 What? 410 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,080 No, I definitely said on the email the 26th. What is it? 411 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,559 Oh, my God. Let me just... 412 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,040 What? One sec! 413 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,399 Oh, my... 414 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,799 Dan? Dan! 415 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,239 Oh, my God! 416 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,359 What is it? What's happened? 417 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,319 I put the wrong date on the email for the memorial so nobody's 418 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,439 going to be able to come! 419 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,599 Oh, mate. 420 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,839 Oh, my God. What am I going to do? 421 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,360 Oh, OK, erm... 422 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,479 Is this the temp agency? 423 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,600 Is it possible to get about 20 to 30 people for tomorrow? 424 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,719 No, no, no, sorry, not to work, to actually mourn. Mourners, yeah. 425 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,759 NIC CHUCKLES 426 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,639 I'm sorry, I thought you just said three grand. 427 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,159 Oh, you did? OK, that's fine. Thank you. 428 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,679 Righto. 429 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:17,999 Thanks, mate. 430 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,040 Three grand. 431 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,320 Oh, God. 432 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,560 I haven't been here since the wedding. 433 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,080 It's going to be really hard, Nic. 434 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,599 Nic? Hmm? 435 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,399 Shall we go in? 436 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,440 Yeah. 437 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,039 I just need a moment to talk to my man. 438 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,080 Of course. 439 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,240 Dan? 440 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,599 Oh, there you are. 441 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,840 Sorry. Crisps? 442 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:04,359 Yeah. I mean, I think I gave you 200 quid to sort the food out, Nic. 443 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,519 Yeah, that's, er... £200 worth of crisps there. 444 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,439 Oh, my God. I mean, it's adorable, but it's a little bit annoying. 445 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,999 There are quiches coming, so don't panic about that. 446 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,959 That's all right. Everyone loves quiche, don't they? 447 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,359 As long as it arrives on the right date. 448 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,639 Your mum and Suz have done a really good job. 449 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,719 Yeah, you think? They have, haven't they? 450 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,879 Well, it feels, like, smaller than it did on our wedding day, 451 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,479 don't you think? God, do you remember when Simon 452 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:34,799 thought the DJ booth was a urinal cos he was so battered? Oh, yeah! 453 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,560 That's your family. I know. 454 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:38,920 Bunch of wrong 'uns. 455 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,999 Erm... Harry's with Lucy, so... 456 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,799 I know. Thank you. 457 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,119 I mean, they're all Prosecco flavour as well, Nic. 458 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,719 Like, people are going to think it's a product launch, aren't they? 459 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,439 Why is she... Why is she still here? Why are you still here? 460 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,919 I wanted to say sorry and explain. 461 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,519 I mean, she's even got the same ciothes as you, Nic. 462 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,399 Who are you? Like, you're fucking eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 463 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,759 What's going on? I'm sorry, Dan. 464 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,039 No, I'm sorry that you haven't realised that this is actually 465 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,759 my brother's memorial. 466 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,359 So if you'd be as kind as just to fuck off out of my life, 467 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,879 out of my wife's life, out of... ..our cat's life. 468 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,519 That'd be really nice. Thank you very much. 469 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,319 Could you... I know you're going to go mental. 470 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,999 Could you just let her explain? 471 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,759 Just, please, just... 472 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,319 Oh, my... Are you joking me? 473 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,599 Nic, come on. Are you joking me? 474 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,119 Just listen to her because... 475 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,119 Listen? I've been... I've been really fucking patient up till here. 476 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,239 I know. I've been really understanding, and now what? 477 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,599 She's going to reel you back in? It's that easy, is it? 478 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,999 Oh, my God. Honestly, Nic, if you love me, if you've ever loved me, 479 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,079 please tell her to go. 480 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,599 Nic. 481 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,200 Nic. NIC SIGHS 482 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,400 Nic. 483 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:50,799 Nic? 484 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:51,840 Oh, my God. 485 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,479 Oh. Right, well, you can fuck off as well. Go on, fuck off with her. 486 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:56,840 Go on, go on. 487 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,439 Actually, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. 488 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,039 You can do all this. You can do all this. 489 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,119 I'm going to go. I'm going to go and stay at my mum's. 490 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,719 Girl fucking power! Fuck off! 491 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:08,999 Mate, I... 492 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,439 DOOR SLAMS 493 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,919 Can I, erm...? 494 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,239 Is there anything? 495 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,000 Can you just give me a minute, mate? 496 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,080 Oh, God. It's such a mess. 497 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,480 Oh... 498 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,160 SHE CRIES 499 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:39,600 Oi! 500 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,400 Nic. I'm here, look. 501 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,640 You know I've got an ear infection, you dick! 502 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:49,680 Oh... 503 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:53,799 SHE CHUCKLES 504 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:54,840 Yes! 505 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,160 You threw that like Mr Burns, then. 506 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,320 Oh... 507 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,720 SHE SNIFFS Oh, God! 508 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,320 LAUGHTER 509 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,680 What do you want from me? 510 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,559 What do you want from me?! 511 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:18,599 Signature. SHE GASPS 512 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,640 Oh, my Go... Sorry. Erm... 513 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,679 Yes, sorry. What is it for? 514 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,159 Crisps. Crisps. Yes. 515 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,680 God, I must have been really pissed, I know. 516 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,279 You don't want any crisps, do you? 517 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,999 Maybe. What flavour? 518 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,519 Prosecco flavour. 519 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,199 HE CHUCKLES No, you're all right. 520 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,720 I'll just go get the rest. 521 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,280 HE WHISTLES 522 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,800 God, you know, I actually feel relieved. 523 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,239 What, that he's gone? That he's gone, yeah. 524 00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,280 That's OK. 525 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,279 I'm really glad I'm here. 526 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,679 I'm really glad you're here. 527 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,639 PHONE VIBRATES 528 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,599 Is that your phone? 529 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,520 Yeah, who is it? Can you see? 530 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,599 It's Dan. Oof... 531 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,319 Are you going to answer it? 532 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,479 No. Are you sure? 533 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:18,640 Yeah. 534 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,199 NIC SIGHS 535 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,879 God, I wish you had a cock. 536 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,000 JEN LAUGHS 537 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,799 It'd be really big as well, wouldn't it? 538 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,999 You'd be just, like, the best partner. 539 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,199 You'd be so supportive... I know. 540 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,919 ...and sort of not want thanking for putting up 541 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,679 a set of shelves... No. I wouldn't need it. 542 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,079 ...not needing a blow job for it. 543 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,919 I wouldn't need it... You'd just do it. 544 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:46,759 ...cos I'd be...I'd be secure enough in my own masculinity that I would 545 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,879 just be happy to do it for you 546 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,719 and I wouldn't need anything in return. 547 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,919 Oh! I wouldn't need to prove anything, you know? 548 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,079 Oh, that's so great. 549 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,679 And I'd do it... 550 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,999 I'd do it as soon as you asked me to do it. 551 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,599 Wouldn't put it off and go to the pub and bitch about you 552 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,239 or anything like that. 553 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:09,999 And you'd take me into, like, the town at the weekend and you'd come 554 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:14,079 into the Lush shop with me and let me look at all the bath bombs, 555 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,079 not complain about how the smell of the Lush shop gives you a headache. 556 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,079 Yeah, exactly. 557 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,439 And I wouldn't mind that my coat just smelled like it 558 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,399 for hours afterwards. 559 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,599 And you'd let me watch RuPaul's Drag Race. 560 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,919 I'd WANT to watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Yeah! Absolutely. 561 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,879 And discuss it over, like, a bottle of wine. Yeah. 562 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,199 In really... really detail. Yeah. Yeah. 563 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:37,719 And I'd have my favourite ones and you'd have yours and we'd argue 564 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,640 over them, but we probably would agree on... on the winner. Yeah. 565 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,079 Do you know, I always thought I was 566 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,719 going to be something really magnificent. 567 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,079 You are magnificent. 568 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,159 I'm not. I'm an absolute idiot. 569 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,239 What have I done with my life? 570 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,599 I thought I was going to be, like... 571 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,559 Start my own girl group and... 572 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,479 I mean, you ARE a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. 573 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,360 But you're really magnificent. 574 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,560 You've got no idea, have you? 575 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,599 Why is you so bloody great to me? 576 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,439 Oh, I don't know. 577 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,120 I don't know what I'd have done if I'd not met you. 578 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,679 Thank you for believing me. VOICES APPROACH 579 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:20,839 That's all right. 580 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,159 DOOR OPENS 581 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,999 It's just not nice, not sharing. 582 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,279 Mum, Ollie won't let me play with his camcorder. 583 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,879 Yeah, but you can't play with it. 584 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,119 It's not a toy. I use it to make my films. 585 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,599 Don't argue about it. 586 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,279 Just go... go upstairs and put your pyjamas on. You've had a long day. 587 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,999 It'll be bedtime soon anyway. 588 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,279 Go on. Off you go. 589 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:40,399 It's not fair. 590 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,399 Can you deal with them? 591 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,079 Yeah, I'll do it. Don't worry. Oh, you're such a great husband. 592 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,359 I'm a really good husband, aren't I? Yeah. 593 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,240 Go on, up you get. Ugh. 594 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,399 Tomorrow's going to be hell, isn't it? 595 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,519 I'm going to be there, OK? It's going to be all right. 596 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,559 Thank you. Right, you stay down here and I'll sort these kids out. 597 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,119 Oh, I'd better see where this cat's at. 598 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,079 Have you got any tampons? 599 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,279 Yeah, cupboard under the sink. OK. 600 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,959 When did you come on your period? 601 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:07,999 This morning. 602 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,719 NIC GASPS What? Same! 603 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:10,959 You too? Me too. 604 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,279 We've... Synced up. 605 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,439 We've synced up! 606 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,720 Oh, my gosh. That's really great, that. 607 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,599 See where this fat bastard is. 608 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,120 Mr Miaowgi? 609 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:26,919 WHIRRING 610 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,879 Mr Miaowgi! 611 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,560 Whatever the fuck your name is. 612 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:33,080 Ugh. 613 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:35,919 "Have you turned the light off, Ollie?" 614 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,199 "Yes, of course I have, Mum." 615 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,480 Fuck's sake. 616 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,840 Ugh. 617 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,160 How do you work this bloody thing? 618 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,240 BEEP Ah. 619 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,559 Come on, then, greedy guts. NIC CHUCKLES 620 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,599 Aww. You've not been very good, have you? 621 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,160 You've destroyed the whole city. CAT MEOWS 622 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,400 Let's get rid of you, then. CAT MEOWS 623 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:16,719 BEEPING 624 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,320 Three, two, one... Blast off. Oh, my God... 625 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,239 WHOOSHING 626 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,520 You stupid bitch! 627 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,439 LAUGHTER 628 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,879 How did you do the X? 629 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:37,079 Well, thank you for asking. 630 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,799 I did the line and I stopped mid-flow, 631 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,959 and I readjusted, and I finished the other line. 632 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,519 It's really great, OK? 633 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:45,640 LAUGHTER 634 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:48,999 Let me be your vacuum cleaner 635 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,239 Breathing in your dust 636 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,799 Let me be your Morris Minor 637 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:52,839 I will never rust 638 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,039 If you like your coffee hot 639 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,599 Let me be your coffee pot 640 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,119 You call the shots 641 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,359 I want to be yours 642 00:27:58,360 --> 00:27:59,799 Let me be your electric meter 643 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:00,919 I will never run out 644 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,559 Let me be the electric heater 645 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,079 You get pneumonia without 646 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,959 Let me be your setting lotion 647 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,319 Grip your skull with deep devotion 648 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,079 Deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean 649 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:11,799 That's how deep is my devotion 650 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,759 Deep, deep, deep, deep, d-deep-deep 651 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,039 I don't want to be hers 652 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,120 I want to be yours.