1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,280
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

2
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,040
You all right, Dad?  You all right,
mate?  Am I a bad mum?  No!

3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:11,480
I've had that level of connection
with a guy called Alex.

4
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,360
It was an affair that was
going on for years and years.

5
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:17,360
I don't want Suzie, I want you.

6
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:18,640
Suze...

7
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,000
Why were you there that night?

8
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,840
Do you think there's something
special about you, Nic?

9
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,280
I mean, fucking come on.

10
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:28,520
When you used to hang out with him,
you made me so uncomfortable.

11
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,640
This is actually
my brother's memorial.

12
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,440
Nic.  Oh, my God.

13
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,520
Why don't you come up here and
share something?

14
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,760
Er...

15
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,360
The last time I saw Alex....

16
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,000
Stop the train!

17
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,680
DISTORTED SHOUTING

18
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,800
You philistine!

19
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,640
Something doesn't feel right!

20
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,680
SCREAMING

21
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,400
CAR DOORS SLAM

22
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,520
Look at my tooth, Nic!

23
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:06,760
Look at it!

24
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,600
Everything all right, love?
Just drive!

25
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,080
Nic!  Are you going to just leave
your son?!

26
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,840
Of course you are!

27
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,440
Unbelievable!

28
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,320
All dressed up.
What was it, a wedding?

29
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,880
No, a memorial.

30
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,280
Oh, God. Sorry, sorry.

31
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,360
Anyone important?

32
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:47,880
Brother-in-law.

33
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,520
Oh, not that important, then.

34
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,920
I was shagging him.

35
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,480
Not at the memorial, I hope.

36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,400
That'd be messed up, wouldn't it?
That'd create a buzz.

37
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,680
Sorry, that was...

38
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,320
..that was insensitive.

39
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,360
Sorry about that.

40
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,000
Everyone found out.

41
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,360
There was a big fight.

42
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,440
Ah, my metacarpal, you buffoon!

43
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,520
That was totally inappropriate.
You stupid slag!

44
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,880
HE SOBS

45
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,880
Someone lost a tooth.

46
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,960
Then they thought they found it,
but it was just an Airwaves.

47
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,400
My son had a seizure.

48
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,960
What hospital?

49
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,720
What?  What hospital is he at?
The Royal?

50
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,480
Do you want to get to the Royal,
yeah?  No, no hospital.

51
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,600
He's back there, just...
You've left him back there?

52
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,560
Yeah.  Oh, nice.

53
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,080
Well, it's good mother as well.

54
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,800
Having affairs, treating your kid
like a piece of crap.

55
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,760
I never wanted it to come out
like this.

56
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,640
Not at his fucking memorial.

57
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,200
Oh, my son.

58
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,920
The look on his face.

59
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,040
I'm so sorry.

60
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,680
Where are we going?

61
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,520
I don't know.

62
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,600
Just drive.

63
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,600
Nice one, dispatch.

64
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,520
Shut in the car with this
absolute lunatic.

65
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,640
How's your hand?

66
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,280
I mean, I'm st...

67
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:29,160
I'm struggling to pick up
thin things, like biros, but...

68
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,080
Any news on Ollie?

69
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,800
The nurses have run tests,
they've come back normal, so...

70
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,600
SHE SIGHS

71
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,720
I just don't understand why
he'd do that to me.

72
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,600
Nic I get, you know?
She's a self-absorbed child, but...

73
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,240
..him?

74
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,280
Like...

75
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,240
OK, Nic and I, we weren't perfect,
we had our fair share of problems.

76
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,120
And I told him stuff but
now I'm thinking,

77
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,400
did he just think that was me
giving him a hall pass on my wife?

78
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,040
Like, did he hate me that much?

79
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,160
Or...

80
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,240
Or did he actually love Nic?

81
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,160
He definitely
wasn't in love with her.

82
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,920
No, he wasn't!
He couldn't have been!

83
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,360
She's not even his type.

84
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,440
He doesn't like funny women.

85
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,000
Especially unfunny women who
think they're funny.

86
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,520
I thought he loved me.

87
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,000
He did.

88
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,560
He definitely did.

89
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,200
What am I going to do?

90
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,520
I think you're a slag.

91
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,520
Who doesn't?

92
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,040
There's a place in hell
reserved for people like you.

93
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,680
You murdered him.

94
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,840
Ah!

95
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,880
Oh, my God!
PHONE CHIMES

96
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,760
Sorry, you talking to me?

97
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,160
What?

98
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,560
You talking to me?

99
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,400
Yeah, who were you talking to?

100
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,040
Wildlife Sanctuary.

101
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:56,280
Found a little blind crow last week,
took him in there.

102
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,040
This bitch on the phone is
just telling me,

103
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,520
"Right, they've euthanised him,"

104
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,800
because they don't think he's got
any quality of life.

105
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,600
Unbelievable.

106
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,360
Do you know how much Pro Plus
I snorted over that 72 hours

107
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,280
just trying to keep him alive,
feeding him with a little pipette?

108
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:10,600
It was insane.

109
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,160
By the end, I was just seeing
triangles, I was hallucinating.

110
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,920
There's this geezer in America, he's
a lorry driver on YouTube, right?

111
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,360
He's got a little crow that he has
riding shotgun with him.

112
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,680
He's taught the crow to scroll
through Spotify

113
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,600
and pick songs for him,
it's beautiful.

114
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,160
If you see it,
it's incredible what this crow does.

115
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,960
That's what I wanted for me
and Dean.

116
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,600
That's what I called him, Dean.

117
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,240
Never got to take him
to Thorpe Park.

118
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,720
Promised him that, I said, "I'll
take you to Thorpe Park, mate.

119
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,640
"When you're better, I'll take
you to Thorpe Park."

120
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,000
He'd have loved that.

121
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,280
Who wouldn't love Thorpe Park?
It's a right laugh.

122
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,000
Oh, I've shared my wife's fanny
with my brother.

123
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,080
Oh! We spent a night in a Travelodge
for the United away game

124
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:55,640
and he got funny about sharing
my toothbrush.

125
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,440
I mean, what the fuck was
that about?

126
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,200
Doesn't make any sense!

127
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,480
I just had no idea.

128
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:03,720
No idea.

129
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,480
No inkling, no sniff, no whiff.

130
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,400
Did you?  I didn't either.

131
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,240
For all we know, he could've just
been pissed one night,

132
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,320
just bent her over the
clothes horse in the utility room

133
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,280
and she's made it out like it's
The fucking Notebook.

134
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,600
I spent the whole of last night
adapting that glove box

135
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,320
so it's got a little retractable
perch that comes out,

136
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,240
so he could just sit
there next to me.

137
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,040
I'd have a bit of company.

138
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:26,840
16 quid that bit of doweling
cost me.

139
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,520
16 quid, because you've got to
buy it by the metre.

140
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,280
Oh.  That's the world that
we're living in now, innit?

141
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,000
It's like this bitch on the phone.

142
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,680
Who is she to judge?

143
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,520
What's she even saying?
No quality of life?

144
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:38,880
The mean old whore.

145
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,760
What, because he's blind
he's got no quality of life?

146
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,720
What about Stevie Wonder?
He's blind.

147
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,840
He's had an amazing life, he's
written incredible fucking songs,

148
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,480
he's travelled the world, mate!

149
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,080
Who is she to judge?!

150
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,440
Got a whole playlist here that
I've made for me and him.

151
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,320
Bangers after bangers, great tunes.
He loved this song.

152
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,360
Love Roller Coaster
by The Ohio Players

153
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:56,880
Er...

154
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,200
You're on the wrong side of
the road.

155
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,000
I know I am.

156
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,680
Oh, right.

157
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,120
Sorry, can I just ask why?

158
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,200
Why? Why?

159
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,960
Good question, that.

160
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,280
Why is that little crow born blind?

161
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,840
Why is the receptionist in the
wildlife sanctuary

162
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,600
such a fucking slag?!

163
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,360
Why is the world so cruel?

164
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,080
Why, why, why anything?!

165
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,960
THEY SCREAM

166
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,360
I have a son!

167
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,720
So did I!

168
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,840
No, but I have a real son!

169
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,320
So did I!

170
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,200
SCREAMING CONTINUES

171
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,240
THUD

172
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,160
Wow, wow, wow

173
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,240
You hit a pheasant.

174
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,080
Ugh!
HORN TOOTS

175
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,080
Why?! Why?!

176
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,400
Oh, is he all right?

177
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,360
Yes, we discharged him an hour ago.

178
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,680
What? Where is he?

179
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,280
He's up there, trying to get
a Twix from a vending machine.

180
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:09,480
Get out now!

181
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,200
Do you want some Discos?  No!

182
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,520
Does Suze want some Discos?
Get out now!

183
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,520
All right, I'm just going to
get some Discos.

184
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,520
You don't think she's going to
kill herself?

185
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,040
Nic?

186
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,520
No. No, she's far
too much of a narcissist.

187
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,720
I mean, she'll end up doing
something stupid like getting pissed

188
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,520
and maxing out my...

189
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,200
What, you're not calling her,
are you?

190
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,240
No, I'm going to cancel
my credit cards.

191
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,000
Fuck's sake!
It's fine, I've got the Discos!

192
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,080
RELIEVED SIGH

193
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,120
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

194
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,120
OK, OK.

195
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,680
Declined.

196
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:19,600
Gah! Please, can you just try
one more time?

197
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,160
No.

198
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,720
Why?

199
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,160
Just no.

200
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,080
Oh, come on, Dan, pick up the phone.

201
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,080
Hi, this used to be
Nic and Dan,

202
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,840
but now it's just Dan,
as Nic shagged my brother

203
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,720
and abandoned our son...
You get it, don't you?

204
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,240
Nic!  Can someone tell me where Nic
is, please?!

205
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,960
Nobody here seems to have a sense
of humour.  Nic!

206
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,640
Where is she, where is she?
If I know...

207
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,000
Oh, God.

208
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,640
Has anyone seen Nic?

209
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,720
SNIFFS AND GASPS

210
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,320
DOOR RATTLES
Mum, I know you're in there.

211
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,120
Please don't do anything stupid.

212
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,760
How did you know I was in here?

213
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,240
I walked past the cloakroom earlier
and I heard a fart.

214
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,720
Dammit!

215
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,040
Ollie...

216
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,440
..did you, erm...

217
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:22,840
..know about...

218
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,880
..Uncle Alex and me?

219
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,640
No.

220
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,800
Don't lie to me, mate.

221
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,960
OK, yeah.
SHE SIGHS

222
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,240
Do we think this is one of
those things where...

223
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,560
..like, I've emotionally damaged
you forever

224
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,800
and you're going to end up
in Alcatraz?

225
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,600
No.

226
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,800
I don't think it's anything a couple
of therapy sessions won't fix.

227
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,440
And Alcatraz is shut down, so.

228
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,400
Thank God.

229
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,120
Please don't do anything stupid.

230
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,760
I need you.

231
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,400
Oh, my darling, I promise I won't.

232
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,480
Do you still love me?

233
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:20,880
Oh!

234
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,920
Oh, my God, Ollie.

235
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,200
You don't ever,
ever have to question that.

236
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,120
Never!

237
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,240
What if I did something really bad?

238
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,680
Even then.

239
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,680
You don't even know what it is yet.

240
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,840
I think I already know.

241
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,800
How?

242
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,880
Because mums know everything.

243
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,520
You killed Mr Miaowgi on purpose,
didn't you?

244
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,280
CLATTERING

245
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,760
Were you going to run away with him?

246
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,320
And leave me behind?

247
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,840
Oh, God.

248
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,480
Yeah. Sons know everything too.

249
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,600
I promise you,
I'm not going anywhere.

250
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,360
Isn't that what Ben Affleck said to
J.Lo before he dumped her?

251
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,520
Yeah, but I actually mean it.

252
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:40,120
Is there anything that you're
really worried about

253
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,240
that you want to tell me out loud?

254
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,800
Anything?

255
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,280
My biggest worry...

256
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,640
..is that Dad's going to get his
roller skates out again.

257
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
He always does that
when he's in a crisis.

258
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,040
Yeah, I mean,
that's not what I meant,

259
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:05,120
but I understand why
that would be a big concern.

260
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,040
What's going on?!
Everyone's looking for you.

261
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,640
Oh, God.

262
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,760
Ugh.

263
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,480
Do you think that you could
possibly...?

264
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,440
Go downstairs and fake a seizure
to distract everyone?

265
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,320
Oh, God, you really do take
after me.

266
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,440
I love you.

267
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,080
Ollie?

268
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,320
THUD AND PEOPLE GASP

269
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,080
Oh, my God!
Someone call an ambulance!

270
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,080
Nic, if you're listening,
you've ruined our son's life.

271
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,600
You just threw your phone
on the floor.

272
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,560
I know.

273
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,320
That's a bit silly. Silly goose.

274
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,240
No luck with your friend, no?

275
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,520
No.  Sometimes that's just the way
things go.

276
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,560
I know.  I know what it's like to
have no dough.

277
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,600
I'm sorry,
are you rhyming on purpose?

278
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,480
Yeah, just felt like the
right thing to do.

279
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,040
To go with the flow.

280
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,040
Where will you go?

281
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,520
I don't know.

282
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,080
You're not going to get raped,
are you?

283
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,440
Are yo...?  That doesn't work.

284
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,440
And, no, I'm not usually their type.

285
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,200
Fuck it. You can have room 301.

286
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,080
Oh, my God, are you serious?

287
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,080
Yeah, you remind me of my mum,
and that's not a compliment.

288
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,120
Oh! Thank you so much.

289
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,720
A business guy used it for an hour
to do a Zoom, you know?

290
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,360
Paid for the night
but checked out this afternoon.

291
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,800
He's not going to come back, no?

292
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,360
No, he might have had a wank
in there...

293
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,120
..but he's not coming back.
Thank you.

294
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,040
Nah, no worries.  Asher.

295
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,800
Amazing. Oh, my God.

296
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,720
Sorry, it's 30...?  301.

297
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,080
Literally just go in that
lift right there.

298
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,200
This one?  It's that lift.
Third floor?

299
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,200
Yeah, because it starts with three,
so...

300
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,120
Tell me, are we rolling?

301
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,560
Hi, I'm Jo Ellen Goldstein,

302
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,280
reporting from Alcatraz
penitentiary,

303
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:12,720
home to Ollie Harris, the most
notorious convicted serial killer.

304
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,000
His murder spree started with the
cold-blooded killing

305
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,200
of well-loved public figure
Mr Miaowgi.

306
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,160
The world was outraged
and appalled

307
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,000
to hear of Mr Miaowgi's
gruesome murder,

308
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,800
but rejoiced today when the judge
sentenced him

309
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,440
to 999 consecutive life sentences.

310
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,880
Do you think that
justice has been served?

311
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,320
Oh, many times over.

312
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,520
He got coming what he deserves.

313
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,320
The judge's ruling broke
a world record,

314
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,240
topping the chart for any
serial killer ever.

315
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,000
On behalf of the
World Record Federation,

316
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:52,120
we congratulate you on being
the world's best serial killer.

317
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,400
Do you have any last words, Ollie?

318
00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,240
Yeah. I want to dedicate this
to my momma.

319
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,400
She done taught me everything
I know.

320
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,800
Hey, Momma!

321
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,080
You dropped your room key.

322
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,640
Ah, Gods.

323
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,080
White women always look like they're
running through wheat.

324
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,360
Oh, God. Oh, God.

325
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,600
CAT MEOWS

326
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,040
Go away!

327
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,520
He's opening my 1981 claret.

328
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,200
I won that in a tombola.

329
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,600
GATE SQUEAKS AND CAT MEOWS

330
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,720
Miaowgi, in! In!

331
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,840
Oh, Mum!

332
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,760
What are you doing out here?
Getting the...

333
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,040
Well, I was getting the cat in.

334
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,960
What are you doing out here?

335
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,840
I was just...

336
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,080
..you know, checking the suspension.

337
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,960
Seems all right, I mean...

338
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,720
You've got nowhere to go, have you?

339
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,280
No.  No.

340
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,360
Well, I'm staying with you.

341
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,120
Oh, don't be stupid, lad.

342
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,560
No, I'm staying with you.  No!

343
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,320
You need to go back inside,
it's freezing.

344
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,360
HE SOBS

345
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,200
Oh, my God.

346
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,440
Oh, my love.

347
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,320
Honey...

348
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,320
..what is it?
It's just so upsetting.

349
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,040
What is?  Seeing you like this.

350
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,000
I mean, pretending you know stuff
like cars.

351
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,400
You know nothing about cars!
I do know a lot about cars!

352
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,160
That's the...wheel.

353
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,880
That's the...front bit.

354
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,240
Licence plate there.

355
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,480
Right.

356
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,080
You know, just please don't lie,
you're breaking my heart.

357
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,480
Oh, my love, I'm fine, I promise.

358
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,920
You've been going through the bins,
haven't you?  What?!

359
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,240
No, I haven't!  I can smell it
on you, don't lie!

360
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,680
I don't smell!  Yes, you do!

361
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,760
Do I?  It's awful.

362
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,920
It's got so bad you can't
even smell yourself.

363
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,240
You're like that old lady in town.

364
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,840
You know, the weird, bearded one

365
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,720
that pushes that
marrow around in the pram.

366
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,800
I am not weirdy beardy
marrow baby lady!

367
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,000
It's where you're going to be
living, in the NCP multistorey,

368
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,360
hissing at cars as they go by.

369
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,240
Oh, my God, this is awful.

370
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,200
I'm fine. I'm fine, promise.

371
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,640
DOOR OPENS
What are you doing?

372
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,160
It's freezing.

373
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,920
Sorry?  What you doing?

374
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,760
Er, checking the suspension.

375
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,520
Have you been crying?

376
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,080
No.  Is it about Mum?

377
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,120
No.  You sure?

378
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,800
Yes. I...yeah.

379
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,480
OK. Well, do you want to get inside?
Right.

380
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,520
SHE MOUTHS

381
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,800
Do you want to watch a
tractor fail compilation?

382
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,320
Sure.  All right.  Yeah.

383
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,360
All right.
DOOR CLOSES

384
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,400
You'll get piles if you sit out
there for too long.

385
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,480
Not that that's a problem for you,
is it?

386
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,560
Because you're just a big,
walking haemorrhoid,

387
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,200
pain in everyone's arse.

388
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,760
Well, go on, then,
twist the narrative.

389
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,800
SHE SIGHS

390
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,600
I loved him.

391
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,160
I highly doubt that.

392
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,320
I think...I think you're incapable
of loving anyone

393
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,480
apart from yourself, Nic.

394
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,200
Or Jason Orange.

395
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,480
I think I already knew about it all,
to be honest.

396
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,400
I'd had dreams about you both.

397
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,000
So my subconscious was obviously
trying to tell me something.

398
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,520
But then I'd wake up and think,
"Well, that's my wife, that's...

399
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,120
"..that's my...that's my brother,

400
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,480
"they couldn't possibly be that
f...king sick, could they?"

401
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,560
But, fuck me, that's the thing
about you, Nic,

402
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,440
you prove me wrong time and time
again, don't you?

403
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,920
I'd never do that to you, Nic.

404
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,600
I'd never cheat on you.

405
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,360
Not in a million years,

406
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,240
let alone with a family member.

407
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,040
You know he didn't love you,
don't you?

408
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,120
Yeah.

409
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:25,720
I know.

410
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,080
I mean, he'd even say to me,

411
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,080
"Do you know what? I don't know how
you put up with her.

412
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,320
"At least tell me she gives you a
good blowjob." And I'd say,

413
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,400
"No, it's like a fucking...
It's like a koi carp,

414
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,040
"just, like..."

415
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,720
Coming up for air,
like gummy carp.

416
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,240
And that coat looks fucking stupid.

417
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,000
You know, you like that
racing pundit who picks his nose

418
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,640
and eats his own bogeys.

419
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,480
John McCririck?
Yeah, you look like him.

420
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,640
And you pick your nose and
you eat your bogeys.

421
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,400
And don't think for a minute that
you the only one

422
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,240
who wasn't emotionally there when we
were having sex.

423
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,160
Sometimes I'd have to take
a picture of Melinda Messenger

424
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,440
and stick it to the back of your
head just to get through the ordeal.

425
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,560
And that is saying something,
because I once knocked one off

426
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,400
to the girl bunny in Space Jam.

427
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,480
Are you done?
No, no, I'm not done.

428
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,920
You're not funny.

429
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,280
You think you're funny because you
surround yourself

430
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,400
with boring women who watch
Loose Women

431
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,560
and laugh at a period
or Carol McGuffin.

432
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,880
SHE CHUCKLES
What? What's funny?

433
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,320
No, nothing.  What?

434
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,760
It's Carol McGiffin.  McGiffin.

435
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,120
OK.

436
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,720
Fuck.

437
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,520
Is that it? Is that everything?
I mean, I've got some stuff

438
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,200
on the massive chasm between
your tits

439
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,080
but it's cold and I can't
be bothered.

440
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,560
Look, I want you to know
how sorry I am.

441
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,440
I really am.
You don't believe me, do you?

442
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,800
No.

443
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,240
Can I stay on the sofa?

444
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,880
Absolutely not.

445
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:48,160
What if I get piles?
Then I suggest you buy some Anusol.

446
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:58,200
Alex really was so loved.
Oh, Jesus.

447
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,440
What have I done?

448
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,400
Nic, why don't you come up here
and share something?

449
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,960
Come on, Nic!

450
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,400
Er, sorry.

451
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,200
Erm...

452
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,440
Maybe I should...?  She's fine.

453
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,880
Oh, God.

454
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,200
OK, she's not fine.
Go, go, go, go, go.

455
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,320
OK, everybody!

456
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,320
All right, all right. OK.

457
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,320
Who else is sick of old people?

458
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,120
What do they even do?

459
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:30,320
All they do, they drain
the NHS of their resources,

460
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,320
or buy things out of catalogues.
PHONE RINGS

461
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,960
No? No? No, no, no.

462
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,600
Old people are really good...

463
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,280
The one thing
I'm lacking in my life,

464
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,280
intense kind of passion.

465
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:47,440
And it's like as if your nerves
are exposed on your skin.

466
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,040
I've never had that with anyone.
Then you've missed out!

467
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,800
Jen?  Fuck.

468
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,080
Harry!I've had that
level of...

469
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,840
Move, move, move! Give me that!

470
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,160
Jen!  God, I'm trying to stop it but
it's not stopping!

471
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:01,160
A guy called Alex.
I mean, it was an affair

472
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:06,400
that was going on, I mean, for,
like, years and years and years...

473
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,480
While you were with Dan?

474
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,880
Oh, Jen!

475
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,840
What was she thinking?!

476
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,640
Jen! Jen!

477
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,640
Jen!  Oh, my God.  Where is she?
Is she in there? Is anyone in there?

478
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,160
No, she's not.

479
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,880
Fuck!

480
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,800
Jen! Jen!

481
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,840
He's gone now.
DOOR UNLOCKS

482
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,840
SHE SIGHS

483
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,520
I... Harry had my phone.

484
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,640
And he must have put it up there...
Why were you recording my mum?

485
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,200
Er...

486
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:51,840
It was an accident.

487
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,120
How?

488
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,200
How what?  How was it an accident?

489
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,280
Look, Ollie, I'm...

490
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,680
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

491
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,960
This must be horrible for you,

492
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,160
and I never meant
anything like that to happen.

493
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,800
How?  I just... I was...

494
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,280
..putting my phone away in
my pocket and I...

495
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,440
But it wasn't in your pocket,
was it?

496
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,440
No, it was angled perfectly

497
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,360
so that everyone could see
and hear everything.

498
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,000
THUMPING AT DOOR

499
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,520
Ahem.

500
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,240
Who is it, Mum?

501
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,760
Is it Hagrid?

502
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,240
Oh, it is Hagrid.

503
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,320
No.

504
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,000
I'm so sorry, Nic.

505
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,440
I just don't understand.

506
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,360
Why? Did you do it to hurt me?

507
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,680
No! No, no, I would never...

508
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,880
Look, the only reason I recorded
you in the first place

509
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,680
was because I just... I wanted you
to hear what I was hearing.

510
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,720
That doesn't make sense!
I know, I know.

511
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,840
I can explain, I...  No.

512
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,800
I'm going to be
really upfront with you here,

513
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,320
because the problem I have...

514
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,040
..is that I don't think I'm
going to like

515
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,320
what I'm going to hear from you
right now,

516
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,240
and whether it's going to be so
unforgivable

517
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,000
that I'm never going to want to
talk to you ever again.

518
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,920
And I need you right now,

519
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,880
because I've got nowhere
else to stay.

520
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,240
So, I just need you...

521
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,240
Understood?  Mm.

522
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,280
TV PLAYING

523
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,520
Is that Real Housewives Of New York?

524
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,760
Yeah.  The one where Luann is
high as a kite

525
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,200
and keeps escaping the police car?
Mm.

526
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,320
And keeps telling them that they
can't arrest her

527
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,240
because she's a countess
and she lives in the Hamptons.

528
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,200
That's all I want to watch
right now.

529
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,680
No jibber jabber.  Mm-hm.

530
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,320
Are you sure...?  Yes, I'm sure!

531
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,880
Yeah.

532
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,200
Do not touch me!

533
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,520
Do not... Do not...

534
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,520
I-I just...

535
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,120
..want to be able to get
into my car,

536
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,360
drive home for...

537
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,440
Do you know who I am?

538
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,640
But can I just...?  Sh!

539
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,400
It's about...

540
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,320
It's about this?! Fine.

541
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,480
I just think it's
worth remembering that...

542
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,320
..money can't buy you class.

543
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,240
Money can't buy you class.  Exactly.

544
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,360
TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY

545
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,400
I said, I am not...

546
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,440
ALARM BLARES

547
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,400
Help!

548
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,600
Oh, my God!  Keep walking.
I told you not to look!

549
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,640
SIRENS WAIL

550
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,480
Did you see what she did?

551
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,600
Isn't that murder?

552
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,000
I think we both have to promise
each other now

553
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,800
that we're never going to talk about
this ever again.

554
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,000
Hang on a second,
I can't quite hear you.

555
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,240
Before you say anything, let me
tell you a joke. Knock-knock...

556
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,320
Who's there?
Not me, leave a message.

557
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:39,720
Wanker.

558
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,640
Call me as soon as you get this,
and change your fucking answerphone!