You've not been very good, have you? Let's get rid of you, then.
Blast off! Oh, my God.
This is actually my brother's memorial.
I've had that level of connection.
Oh, my God...
There's a guy called Alex. It was going on for months.
Years, and years and years.
You said that you'd never recorded me.
I thought he loved me.
He did.
Can I just stay on the sofa? Absolutely not.
I need you right now cos I've got nowhere else to stay.
It's only temporary.
I just want my family back.
Your son will inherit your murderous ways.
Where have you seen this, Ollie?!
It walked past my bedroom window.
Yeah, him killing the cat's got nothing to do with what you did.
I never told you that Ollie killed the cat.
The Skellis is like the devil's debt collector.
PHONE RINGS
Sorry, hi. Uh, can you hear us?
Yes. I'm Nic, this is Dan.
Hello. I'm Savannah.
Lovely. Pleasure to meet you both.
Thank you, first of all, for fitting us in at such short notice.
No, no problem at all.
My schedule was completely clear.
Um, yeah, so we've...
We've never done anything like this before.
Virgins. Yeah. Yeah...
SHE CHUCKLES My favourite.
Well, first of all, how brave that you're here.
And so I want to just take a second to applaud you.
Thank you.
This is a place to explore.
It's a place to upset patterns that are upsetting you.
I guess, what are you looking to get out of these sessions?
Um, I suppose we've been struggling with communication a bit.
Yeah, work things out with Ollie.
Like, how to navigate all that.
Co-parenting and how to navigate that.
Mmm, good daddy.
And how old is your son?
11. Nine. NIC GASPS
He's not nine?
Well, yeah, he is, yeah. Is he?!
Yeah. He's nine, yeah.
He goes to primary school.
And how long have you been separated, the two of you?
How long have you been separated here?
Well, it's a week, isn't it? A week.
And how has that week been feeling for you?
Um....
Standing In The Way Of Control by Gossip
I said to you!
When would you say that things started to go downhill?
Well, when you started fucking my brother, probably.
I disagree. I think it was around the time of the puzzle.
This is ridiculous.
Can you... Can you let her talk?
Oh, yeah, I'm not... Yeah. Fine.
I think that even sometimes scowling and shaking your head
sort of tells your partner, "I don't have space to talk."
Mmm, mmm, mmm. OK.
When we first moved in together,
I used to do puzzles to help me with my anxiety.
Sorry, I have to...
I'm sorry, I can't let that one go because it wasn't to do...
There was no anxiety, it was an attempt to look
cookie and quirky. And it was just attention-seeking, basically.
Just in a really boring, route one way.
That's it. Carry on.
I was doing a 1,000-piece puzzle on the village of Kendal -
you know, where the mint cake comes from?
Kind of Beatrix Potter territory.
You know, visually stunning.
Oh, yes, gorgeous!
So I'd gone to visit my cousin, who -
this is irrelevant - but was in an amateur production
of An Inspector Calls.
With, by the way, a very young Tom Hiddleston
What's it got to do with anything?
It's...
Just that he ended up being one of the most beloved
actors of our generation.
And, of course that's irrelevant to you,
because you don't understand the arts.
The puzzle, Nic?
The puzzle, I'd come back, er, cannot wait to see the puzzle.
And find out that he's had a couple of friends over, gotten drunk,
and punched a hole in my puzzle.
And I remember standing there, looking down at it
and just feeling, you know... Puzzled?
SHE LAUGHS
No, I felt distraught!
I felt like it was an act of destruction
against everything that I am.
Oh, chill out.
Why did you punch that hole?
Er...
Well, like, the week before we'd been watching
an episode of Scrapheap Challenge - I don't know if you know that.
Mmm. I do, yeah. You do, do you like it?
I just started watching it, I'm, like, bingeing it.
Yeah, it's quite watchable, you sort of... It is.
I don't know if you saw the one where there's a catapult
and I just said, "I could do better than that."
And Nic just launched at me.
"No, you're too thick, you'll fuck up the dimensions.
"You're stupid, you think you can do better than that."
I didn't say that. You fucking did, Nic, you said it all with your head
just in a grab-bag of salt and vinegar Square crisps.
That, I do do. Yeah, and you just lifted your head out of the packet
just like a truffle hog lifts its snout from the soil
and you just went... HE SNORTS RAPIDLY
You just sort of just spat that sentence at me,
along with loads of Square crumbs.
Well, if I did say that, I deeply apologise.
But do you think you can apologise to me
for calling me a truffle hog?
No. No, I just don't think I'm there yet
Does it feel like it would help you to strip the words
and just go back to your primordial self?
Be an ape and feel and emote without words.
I think you can do it.
Let's try it.
As what?
An ape.
Let's have you be an ape.
HE GRUNTS
Did you hear him?
Um...
I think you're trying to say it would be nice
if you helped out a bit with the bills?
No. No?
I heard, "It was my brother."
"It was my brother!"
Incredible work.
Let's try a chicken.
My diary entry from 1969.
"The boy who broke my heart."
This sounds spicy.
I'd never been in love before I met him.
"Jack Tanner, the butcher's boy.
"Beautiful blue eyes, a coy smile
"and riddled with rickets - so much so, he walked
"as if he were perpetually playing a game of leap frog.
"To straighten his legs, Dr Busworth bound them to two canes,
"causing him tremendous pain, but one could always hear him coming.
"He tottered on the cobbles like a newborn goat,
"and the sound would make my heart sing like a skylark.
"I was only 16 when he told me
"I was the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.
"We carved our names into the great oak in Mama's walled garden,
"and each night he would sneak to meet me.
"All we would do was hold hands, but it still felt electric.
"I thought it was a love to last the ages,
"but that summer, Jack grew paler and weaker each day.
"Turns out Dr Busworth was a quack -
"nothing but a money-grabbing fantasist,
"who had never set foot in a medical school, let alone a practice.
"And rickets, left untreated,
"could lead to seizures, and death.
"I remember the night I didn't hear his click-clacking on the cobbles.
"Hours, I waited by that oak.
"Eventually, I ran to the butcher's, barefoot,
"fearing the worst." Oh, God, no. Please, not Jack.
"The lamp was on in his room and I ran up the back steps.
"I heard painful groaning.
"I flung open the door...
.."and was greeted with the most awful sight. Ohh, ohh!
"My best friend, Daphne,
"bouncing up and down on Jack Tanner's cock."
What, like a big chicken? Ah. Right, OK! We're going - come on, boys!
Well, what did you expect, darling?
Do we have to go? Yes, we do.
What are you still doing here?
I'm just having a little tipple, darling.
Come on. All right? Go.
Let's talk about the good parts of the relationship, shall we?
What worked? What was the success that you shared?
NIC EXHALES
Did you go to Center Parcs with us?
You didn't go, did you? No, that wasn't me.
I know there were good bits - of course there were -
but if I'm being honest, I think we just stopped loving each other.
But that's just fucking life, isn't it?
You know, you move in with each other, you have a kid,
you start talking about, "Could you stack the dishwasher?",
"Have you remembered to put the bins out?
"Cos the neighbours have got the bins out."
"It's not a Tuesday, is it?" "Yeah, it's a Tuesday."
"Oh, God, I thought it was Wednesday cos Bargain Hunt's on."
And that's just... You know, that's just fucking life,
It just sucks the romance out of everything.
Yeah, yeah.
It's not like there was nothing there in the first place
but it just gets knocked out of you. It's like, who our age is...
..is totally happy? You know, like blissfully happy?
Apart from maybe Wayne Lineker.
That, I agree with.
And how's your son coping with all these changes?
Well, it's not ideal, is it? I mean, it's up and down.
And, you know, obviously the cat going missing and...
What... What do you mean, the cat's gone missing?
Oh, just... Well, I'm not worried about it -
he's just a cat and went missing
and obviously that just doesn't help, and... Since when?
A day ago, two days, it doesn't matter.
I'm not worried about it.
What we've managed to do here is leave ga....
Oh, for God's sake.
Hang on, it'll sort itself out.
I told you to call BT.
I did phone BT.
CATERWAULING ECHOES
What was that?
Piece of shit.
The blue light's on so it should be working.
Dan!
Yeah, just give me a sec, I'm just trying to get it working.
CATERWAULING CONTINUES
Mr Meowgi...
Ooh. Sorry about that.
We're just having some behavioural issues with our cat.
I'm so sorry.
He's figured out how to open doors somehow.
Please forgive me, I'm going to
try to get him out of here and...
CAT MEOWS AND HISSES
Ow! DJ Sushi, no!
No.
Where's she gone?
Oh, she went to take the cat out. She said she'll be back in a minute
CAT SCREECHES
NIC PANTS
What are you doing?
So sorry about that!
Um, where were we?
We're off to such a good start.
You two have made incredible progress today.
I found him in the tumble dryer...
What did you just say?
I'd like to do a quick exercise with the two of you,
if that would be all right?
Mm-hm. Nic?
Oh, sorry. Yes, yeah, sure
Come on, then, greedy guts.
I was saying, this can be really helpful
when we need to repair our communication.
NIC PANTS AND WHIMPERS
What did you do that for?
What's wrong with you?
Nic?
I need to show you something.
Come on. Why don't you just play some Fortnite
with Harry or something?
No, ta. I'd rather listen to... David Gray's last album.
How do you know who David Gray is?
Dad listens to him while he drinks whisky and cries in the bath.
Oh, course he does.
What time's Mum going to be back?
I don't know, she's, um...
She's just got to talk to your dad for a bit
You can say therapy, I know what they're doing.
OK.
Well, she'll be back when they're done.
Well, I mean... they wouldn't have needed therapy
if you hadn't have recorded her, but... Excuse me?
KNOCKING
PHONE CHIMES
What are you doing with my phone?
Nothing. Just buying some V-Bucks.
No. Absolutely not.
And give me that. Wait... No.
I don't want you playing with this any more.
Mum! No, I'm sick of this rubbish.
Sick of what?
Why don't you do what normal kids do and just go get a yoyo?
That's not normal!
DOOR SLAMS
Just give him a minute. This is good for him.
He needs to learn some boundaries and...
..so do you.
Come on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been very good, have you?
You've destroyed the whole city.
Let's get rid of you, then! CAT MEOWS
Three, two, one, blast off!!
Oh, God.
Why didn't you tell me, like...
I... So...
The cat we've got now, is that just...? Just a random, yeah.
I'm not even sure it's a boy.
Not even sure it's a cat, by the size of its...dumps.
How long has the second cat been missing? I don't know!
When would you say, since Sunday? Fucking hell.
We need to report this, don't we?
Or do we? Do we need to... Oh. Do we need to call the police?
Like, is this a crime. Like, what...?
No, but where does that even end?
I mean, what? That he's, you know, seeing psychiatrists
all the time and living in a juvenile institution?
He's put on lithium for the rest of his life?
No, absolutely not. I don't think we've got a choice, Nic!
I think we need all the help we can get!
Dan, I mean...kids experiment, don't they?
I mean, you know, we've done it - I remember once on a school
trip to Longleat booting a peacock up the arse out of pure curiosity.
You told me you once wanked off in a pond.
Yeah, no animals were hurt, were they?
Other than, like, a frog's pride. This is different, this is...
This is, like, methodical. This is Jeffrey Dahmer shit.
Oh! It's a one-off. It's a one-off. It's not a one-off!
If it's a one-off, where's the second fucking cat, Nic? Oh.
Hello, darling. OH! I need you to park my car!
Just calm down.
Quickly! The handbrake's off.
I'm coming, Mum!
NIC SCOWLS Of course his mum would turn up now.
KETTLE WHISTLES
GROAN TUBE WHINES
Does he have to do that?
It's the only way I could get him out of the toilet.
So, Goody Winters saw her dancing in a field under the full moon
and chanting spells, so of course she told the Witchfinder General.
Goody Winters sounds like a right tit.
But the last straw was when Goody Ashmore witnessed her
vomiting up sharp needles and crows that flew off into the woods.
Then what happened?
So then, all of the men in the village dragged her
from her house by her pubic hair, marched her through the village
and drowned her in the Bow Wow.
Urgh. Men. Thank you.
And last year, we raised £500 for the WI.
I'm sorry, but can you not see the glaring irony there?
I know, they don't need any more money.
So what part am I playing, then? The witch?
No, everyone voted for Nic to play the witch.
Because of what happened? No - because of her nose.
Oh, fair enough.
You're playing Edie Yarmouth Goody Yarmouth?
No, she wasn't married.
She was a one-legged lady of the night
who frequented the local tavern.
Ah. So a prostitute, then.
Oh, no! No.
She wasn't paid for it.
What... No, why are you adding more?
Because, Carbonel was famously fat from eating everybody's souls!
Right, OK.
But how am I going to go to the toilet?
Well, why don't you do what I do on a girls' night out
and crouch over a drain?
So what part are you playing, then, Harry?
I'm the sacrificial pig.
Oh, lovely.
I'm so very proud.
HE SLURPS HIS TEA
Tooth looks good.
Yeah, well, it cost me five grand. You're joking! So...
We were just on our way to a book signing at Waterstones.
Whose? Whose signing?
Charlie from Casualty. Oh, OK.
What do you think that's going to be about, then, his time on Casualty?
No...
It was about his journey of self-discovery
on his walk from John O'Groats to Land's End.
That sounds riveting Do you want to come?
No. Tempting as that sounds, I don't think...
I've got stuff to get on with here, so... Yeah.
NIC YAWNS Yeah. So, thank you for coming.
Oh, I see. What?
She's weaselled her way back in again. Oh, Mum.
She fornicated with your brother, Daniel!
Mum! I can't do this.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
You killed him!
What did you just say? He couldn't bear the guilt...
..so he threw himself in front of that train!
I know he did!
My son is dead...
..and you're just...swanning around
like Joan Collins in the south of France!
I'm sorry... I can't... I can't bear it, Daniel, I can't.
Right, I'm done.
Why couldn't you have married Helen Foster?
You know...
..she designs wallpaper for Laura Ashley!
Because she's my third cousin. Well, that never stopped the royals!
Marrying your cousin's a sign of class!
Look, Suze... I want to see the video again.
I don't have it.
Why were you there that night?
I was there that night to tell him that I loved him,
and he turned me down for you.
And that's everything, OK?
At least Alex found a good woman.
You never liked Suze! Yes, I did!
Oh, my God, you've only started liking her now that he's dead.
That is not true! You said her Lady MacBeth was so wooden, that it
was like someone threw a chair on the stage! Shh!
Oh, my God, you always did this!
Did what? Played us off against each other.
God. No wonder Dad started shagging his palliative-care nurse.
You're a sad, bitter, hateful old bitch!
SHE GASPS
And you were a bad mum.
You know what?
Nic may be a lot of things,
but she would never treat Ollie that way.
SHE GASPS
I want to know, word for word, what happened on that night.
I, erm...
SHE SIGHS
I knew that he was going to be getting that train...
Alex.
..so I went there to talk to him
about, erm, telling you and Dan...
I just wanted to say that maybe it's a good time
for us to come clean about it.
What did he say?
He wanted to come clean, as well.
Get your hands off me.
Well, the sex was fine...
..but I think you should lose some weight.
To save his relationship with you.
Not... Not... Nothing to do with me.
NIC SNIFFS
How did his coat get trapped in the doors?
I was really upset.
And he went to comfort me, so he hugged me.
Open the door.
And he just timed it wrong cos the doors....
Open the fucking door!
I tried to...
Just pull the cord!
Argh! Ugh!
Pull the cord! How long have I known you, Nic?
How long?
Long enough to know when you're lying.
CAROL GASPS
Carol? What's wrong?
I'm having a heart attack.
She's fine.
Take me home.
But can we stop into M&S on the way?
Erm...
SHE BREATHS HEAVILY
Nic? You all right?
SHE SCREAMS
Fuck.
Sor... Sorry, what is it, a fucking full moon tonight, is it?
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Nic!
What, are you still picking up Ollie?
BELL TOLLS
ECHOING VOICES Why were you there that night?
Ohh...
Hurry up, you stupid bitch!
Oh, shut up.
Hey, look, you never told me what you actually saw.
You killed him! Get it together, Nic.
Three, two, one, blast off!
Kids experiment, don't they?
In you go. Channel your sin.
I can't take any more! Shut up!
VOICES STOP
SHE SIGHS
Ohhh... I'm nuts.
I'm nuts, I'm nuts.
Sorry, I'm fine, I was just having a breakdown...
It was in a dream, I think. It walked past my bedroom window.
How long have I known you, Nic?
Long enough to know when you're lying.
The Skellis is...
I can't...
What's wrong? I can't... I can't breathe.
Mum? I can't breathe...
Er, it's OK, it's OK, boys.
Look... Look, why don't you guys go into the house and get
Mrs Baggott to tell you about her grandson's kidney infection? Mum!
Look, she's all right, she's going to be fine. She's going to be fine.
She just needs a minute. You OK? She just needs a minute.
I just need you to get the kids out.
Yeah, yeah, so I'll come and get you in a bit, OK? All right. Yeah?
That's it, off you go. DOOR CLOSES
Right, it's OK, it's OK.
It's OK, right?
Everything's going to be OK.
What... What happened?
Oh, she knows...
Who? Who knows? Suzie knows.
Knows what? What does she know?
I can't say it, I can't say!
BANGING The Skellis is...
Oh, my God!
Not been very good, have you?
When you started fucking my brother.
Do you think there's something special about you? Oh, my God!
What are you doing? NIC SCREAMS
You're scaring me.
It has never been about... You're lying.
Open the fucking door!
VOICES STOP
NIC CRIES
It's, like, the worst...
It's the worst thing.
What, Nic, what?!
You have to promise me that you're not recording this
cos you've done that to me before. Oh, my God, I wouldn't!
I wouldn't, I promise. You can't do that to me again.
I promise, I promise.
OK, look, look. OK, I'm going to...
I'm going to put the phone here, OK?
And, look, it's not recording.
Just nothing but Ben Adams' glossy '90s curtains.
All right? So I'll just put that there.
Now, I'm not... I'm not going to go anywhere near it, OK?
Satisfied?
NIC BREATHES SHAKILY
Satisfied. OK.
It's, like...
..the most heinous thing anybody could ever do.
Oh, God.
You're not a nonce, are you?
God, no! OK, OK, fine, no.
Well, what... What, then? What? I mean...
Have you shagged your dad?
No! OK, I'm sorry. Why would you even say that?!
I don't know! My brai... What, then?!
Alex.
What?
I killed him.
What? I killed him.
God, I can't believe I just said that out loud.
Er... I killed him. Erm...
You know when the doors were closing
and I said that it's because we were hugging?
Yeah. We weren't hugging.
I just... He'd dumped me and I was so angry
that I just pulled his coat through the...
Fuck.
Ugh... Ah...
Oh, Nic. Yeah.
OK. Oh, God.
It's all right, it's all right.
You've got to... You've got to breathe. Yeah.
You've got to breathe. You're OK.
This feels better.
Feel better?
Yeah. OK.
So...
..you were at the station?
I went to meet him at the station... Yeah.
..because he just wasn't answering any of my calls.
And I had seen him two days before,
and he'd said that he wanted to come clean about everything.
So, what, two days before, he's...
What, he's going to leave Suzie? He's going to leave Suzie.
He's saying he loves you? Yeah...