1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,920 And how's your son coping? I need to show you something. 2 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:05,720 Three, two, one... 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:06,880 Blast off. 4 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,400 This is Jeffrey Dahmer shit. 5 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,600 It's a one-off. It's not a one-off! 6 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,440 If it's a one-off, where's the second cat?! 7 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,200 What part am I playing, then? The witch? 8 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,800 No, everyone voted for Nic to play the witch cos of her nose. 9 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,640 She's weaselled her way back in again. 10 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,440 Oh, Mum. You killed him! 11 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,640 I want to see the video again. I don't have it. 12 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,840 I want to know what happened on that night. 13 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,440 The Skellis is like the devil's debt collector. 14 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,000 I'm going to put the phone here. It's not recording. 15 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,560 It's the most heinous thing anybody could ever do. 16 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:34,840 I killed him. 17 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:39,520 How are you getting on? 18 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,080 Oh, it's ridiculous. 19 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,640 Mate, I'm worried about you. 20 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:50,760 You haven't eaten anything and you just slept all day yesterday. 21 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,080 Why are you still here? 22 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,200 What? 23 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,560 After what I told you, how can you still be my mate? 24 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,600 SHE SIGHS 25 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,320 Do you want the truth? Yeah. 26 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,040 Because I would have done the same thing. 27 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,320 Really? Yeah. 28 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,120 I'm glad you did what you did. 29 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,320 I am. 30 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,080 Because now there's one less bastard in the world 31 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,960 and he would have done the same thing to another woman 32 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,320 because they think that we're all the same. 33 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,360 Cos it's men and their egos, 34 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,840 and the women around them are just collateral damage, and... 35 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,200 Like, don't take this the wrong way, 36 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,920 but I don't think you were thinking about the consequences. 37 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,840 I mean, it was only last week that you learnt 38 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,960 that we have to pay council tax. Yeah. 39 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,120 That's mad. Well... 40 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,680 God, what am I going to do? 41 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,800 You're just going to do what you've been doing. 42 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,320 You're just going to carry on... 43 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,920 ..cos you're a mum and that's... that's what we have to do. 44 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,560 I love you. Aww. 45 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,560 And I don't think I've ever said that to anyone, 46 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,520 other than Ollie, and really meant that. 47 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:03,560 DOOR OPENS 48 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,880 Mum, I can't zip my costume up. 49 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,640 Yeah, I'm coming, love. 50 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,840 VOICE-Jen! What? 51 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,720 You have to promise me that you're not recording this. 52 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:20,920 I promise. 53 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,640 Jen! Promise me! 54 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,200 Open the fucking door! 55 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,520 I wouldn't! 56 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,480 I promise. I killed him. I promise. 57 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,000 Jen. I killed him. I promise. 58 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,560 Are you wearing my pants? 59 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,720 Put like, four pairs on the washing line, they're all gone. 60 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,160 It's so weird. They just keep vanishing. 61 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,480 You all right? 62 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,280 I'm so sorry to have to ask you this... 63 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,680 ..but, for my own sanity... 64 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,120 What? 65 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,160 You didn't record me, did you? 66 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,360 Oh, come on, Nic. 67 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,960 I just... I just need to see your phone. 68 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,240 Are you joking? 69 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,920 No, I... For my own brain. 70 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,480 I don't know why you keep doing this to me. I know, I know, 71 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,840 but my brain will not stop going over and over... I told you... 72 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,240 Please, can I just see your phone? I don't understand why... 73 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,320 ..why you don't trust me. 74 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,400 I do trust you. I do. I just... 75 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,160 I didn't record you, Nic. 76 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,080 If you didn't record me, just show me your phone. 77 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,280 Fine. 78 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,240 There. Take it. 79 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,280 Thank you. 80 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,440 WHITE NOISE BUILDS 81 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,320 Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. 82 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,280 Oh, God. 83 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,360 It's OK. No, it's not OK. 84 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,760 I'm on your side. You are. I know you're on my side. Nic, I promise. 85 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,920 I mean, I don't know what more I can do to prove that to you. 86 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,760 You've got to work through this shit. 87 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:06,800 Nic, I... 88 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,880 I...I will help you, OK, in any way I can, 89 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,520 but I can't do it for you. 90 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:15,680 Yeah. 91 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,680 You're probably wondering why me and your father 92 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,400 wanted to have a chat with you. 93 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,640 No, I'm wondering why you're dressed like that. 94 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,480 Lucy texted me late last night saying I had to organise 95 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,520 my own costume, so I'm wearing a bin bag. 96 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,040 What about him? Why is he dressed like that? 97 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,520 Why ARE you dressed like that? 98 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,080 Well, I'm a peasant who's got the plague, aren't I? 99 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,480 What's your name? 100 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:06,520 HE EXHALES 101 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:08,760 Arthur. 102 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,280 How did you get the plague? 103 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,000 I got bit by a dog and... 104 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,320 What's your dog's name? Oh, come on. 105 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,600 Terrence. Terrence? Yeah. 106 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,320 I'm sorry, but this isn't about us, this is about you! 107 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,400 Can we...? 108 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,320 Shall I put it on? All right. 109 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,800 What is this? 110 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:27,960 CAT MEWS 111 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,600 Come on, then, greedy guts. 112 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,200 You've not been very good, have you? 113 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,720 You've destroyed the whole city. 114 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,080 Why...? 115 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,960 Why did you...? Why would you do that? 116 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,360 Let's get rid of you, then. CAT MEWS 117 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:48,360 TUMBLE DRYER BEEPS Three, two, one, blast off! 118 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,560 Oh, mate! Why would you...? 119 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,120 Why would you do that? 120 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,680 Why? God, no. 121 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:00,560 I don't know... 122 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,000 I just felt angry. 123 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,240 Angry about what? 124 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,840 I... 125 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,840 I don't want to say... 126 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,760 ..cos you'll just fight again. 127 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,720 I'm sorry, I just feel like you're manipulating us! 128 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,320 Nic, hang on! No, he's smarter than that explanation. 129 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,840 It's like that fox that smokes the pipe 130 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,880 and wears the jacket in that thing. 131 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,280 Mate, just tell us. 132 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,640 Come on, tell us why you did that. 133 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:30,360 I understand what I did was very, very messed up. 134 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,400 Yeah. 135 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:35,080 I know but please understand that... 136 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,600 ..like, I'm just human. 137 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,800 I make mistakes. 138 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,400 I made an awful mistake, a terrible mistake. 139 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,000 I hurt someone I honestly have never loved anything more 140 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,360 in my whole entire life. 141 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,000 And I know that you got... 142 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,320 You probably hate me... Oh... ..and if you do it's OK. 143 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,480 ..gosh, mate... 144 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:03,800 I'm sorry, Dan... Dan, Dan, 145 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,640 can I just have a quick chat with you over there? 146 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:06,840 We don't hate you, mate. 147 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,320 I love you. 148 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,240 SOBBING CONTINUES 149 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,840 That speech there. Yeah? 150 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,240 He's just quoted Vanderpump Rules. 151 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,080 What? 152 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:26,400 That's exactly what Tom Sandoval says to Ariana at the reunion. 153 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,040 Are you joking? 154 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,640 Pretty much verbatim! 155 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,880 Right! 156 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,800 Are you a murderer? No, I'm not! 157 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,120 Do you get off on killing things? No, of course not! 158 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,160 Why did you kill him? For attention! 159 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,680 Will you do it again, do you think? No, I won't. 160 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,880 Where's Mr Miaowgi Two? 161 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,200 I honestly don't know. 162 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,120 Please check the tumble dryer if you don't believe me. 163 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,800 I don't believe you! Who are you? 164 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:46,840 I'm your son! 165 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,600 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 166 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,080 Ah, Lucy's ringing, we're going to be late. 167 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,520 This isn't over. I know. 168 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:54,560 This is half-time. 169 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,520 We're coming back to this, and we're getting to the bottom of it. 170 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,760 Understood? Understood. 171 00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,320 Right, now go to your room! No, he needs to get in the car. 172 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,680 Go to the car! 173 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,760 All right, it's just I can't get... 174 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:04,920 Help him, for God's sake. 175 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,640 ..any purchase to pull myself up. 176 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,520 This is awkward. Thank you, mate. 177 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,640 We are NOT mates! Get a move on! All right. 178 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,000 I cannot believe you would quote... 179 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,560 Ah, wait! You would quote Vanderpump Rules 180 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,160 and think I wouldn't twig! 181 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,880 Nobody knows Scandoval better than me. 182 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,400 Come on! Quickly, please! 183 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,720 All right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. 184 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,720 Good afternoon, ladies and gents. 185 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,440 The witch trial begins at 3pm. 186 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:36,280 This is a reminder to place your bets on the dunking time 187 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,360 if you haven't already. 188 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:42,680 How long will the witch last under water? 189 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,600 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 190 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,960 MUSIC INTENSIFIES 191 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,880 BOTH SCREAM 192 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,480 Oh. Shit, sorry. Are you all right? 193 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,640 No, I'm not all right! I've been tied to this tree for an hour 194 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:16,840 and I need a piss. 195 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,240 Yeah. sorry. I'm sorry about that. 196 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,960 We're just waiting for more people to show up. 197 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,400 Looks like people aren't really bothered about seeing this bit, 198 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,960 but they are all just coming to the dunking bit. 199 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,120 Which is sold out. Fucking brilliant! 200 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,760 There you are! 201 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,400 You all right? 202 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,200 No, I'm not all right! I need a piss and I've dropped my vape. 203 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,320 Where? And it's just... Where? ..there, look. 204 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,440 Oh, yeah. 205 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,640 Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. 206 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,200 Thank you. It's all right. 207 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,440 Right. Well, you better give that back to me 208 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,280 cos you don't want it getting wet. 209 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,800 I can't, I nee... 210 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,240 I'm going to need this all of today. 211 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,280 Fine. Well, what else have you got? Your phone? 212 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,360 Shit, phone. Yeah? 213 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,280 Right boot. There it is, I've got it. 214 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,760 Thank you. 215 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,400 Holy mother of Mary, who is that? 216 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,200 Who? 217 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,600 Oh, Mr Woodbead. 218 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,680 He's the substitute PE teacher. 219 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:09,920 Father, thank you for your goodness to me. 220 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:13,320 You are a good, good Father, in Jesus' name. 221 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,440 Amen. 222 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,840 I'm sorry, can we just get this over with? Yeah. 223 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,280 I can't even feel my spine now. 224 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,640 Yes, yes. I will... I present you with the sack. 225 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,360 Sorry, what sack? 226 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,960 I thought you told her. 227 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,320 I thought YOU told her. 228 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,960 WHAT FUCKING SACK?! 229 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,800 SHRIEKING 230 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,640 I present to you... 231 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,920 ..the slut! 232 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,080 BOOING 233 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:43,800 I welcome you all today to the trial of Goody Grindel. 234 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,800 You stand accused of witchcraft. 235 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,320 I'm s... Just a second. 236 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:49,600 Er, it's Mr Woodbead, isn't it? 237 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,240 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're the new PE teacher. 238 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,480 Yeah. Yeah. 239 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,400 Sorry, what are you doing after this finishes, are you...? 240 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,240 Do you want to come for a drink with me after this finishes or do 241 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,000 you have your wife to go home to, 242 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,400 or a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or friend with benefits? 243 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,800 Lucy! I'm sorry, that's me. 244 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:14,640 You have been seen naked under the light of the full moon 245 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:18,240 and your teats did drag across the gravel, 246 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,640 while two fat rats did suckle upon them. 247 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,800 Goody Fletcher! 248 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,400 Her smell is foul! Agreed. 249 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,320 I'm sorry, are you the mum who looks like Daniel Radcliffe 250 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,040 who's got a massive problem with me for no reason? 251 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,760 No. 252 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:38,520 I call upon her cat, Carbonel, to speak. 253 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,120 Since when did the cat speak? 254 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,160 Since you cursed him, fool! 255 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,280 I was but a humble inn keeper 256 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,440 until she darkened my doorstep. 257 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,280 Pray tell. 258 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,680 She drunk my tavern dry, proceeded to dance 259 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:02,800 amorously on the tables, displayed her pale bottom and pressed it 260 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:07,520 against the windows, to the passing eyes of travelling merchants. 261 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,600 That actually happened at Butlins 262 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,920 and they weren't travelling merchants, they were Redcoats. 263 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,680 Disgrace! 264 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:18,080 And when I told her to desist, she turned me into this... 265 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:22,720 ..beast. My life hath become a mockery, 266 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:27,920 for whenced I try to buy my bread, the baker, he says, "Shoo, shoo!" 267 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,240 A woeful tale indeed. 268 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,320 I'm so sorry. I am going to have to go to the toilet. 269 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,560 Declined! Now to the box of grievance. 270 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,560 You see, Goody Grindel, they wish to remain anonymous, 271 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,600 for fear of thy hexation! 272 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,960 What does thou say to that? 273 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,200 I just don't really care. 274 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,360 Someone hath writ, "It would be nice 275 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:51,480 "if Nic responded to the mums' WhatsApp group, 276 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,720 "and also the cakes you made for the bake sale taste like badger arse." 277 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:56,840 I'm sor... 278 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,720 That is just personal, towards me, as a person. 279 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,200 Sorry, I think I got a bit confused about the rules. 280 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,240 This one reads, "I hate your clothes." 281 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,600 That's... This is just bullying now. Pass me another. 282 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,760 "Would it kill you to wash your coat? It stinks." 283 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,080 Who wrote that?! 284 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,120 Yeah. Sorry, that was me too. 285 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,680 Take your mask off. Why? 286 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,760 I think you know why, mate. 287 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:20,920 Silence, imp! 288 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,560 Stop shouting at Daniel Radcliffe! Oh... 289 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,360 Knew it! Kate, Kate, I'm so sorry. 290 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,480 I'm sorry, Kate. 291 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,760 I think... 292 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,920 I think it's your haircut. 293 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,000 Sorry, Daniel, Hogwarts called. 294 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,640 They think you're a COW! 295 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,640 Who here finds the defendant guilty?! 296 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,720 Guilty! Guilty. Say aye! 297 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,000 Guilty! 298 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,040 Guilty! 299 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,880 Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! 300 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,720 Mum... 301 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,680 Mum is it...? 302 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,000 It's the thing I saw... 303 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,520 Oh, my God. You see that too? 304 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,040 The Skellis is like the devil's debt collector. 305 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,280 NIC SCREAMS 306 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,520 Your child will inherit your soul... 307 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,240 Where did you see this, Ollie? 308 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,680 Passing my bedroom window. 309 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,440 What do you want? 310 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,480 I'm going to pass out. 311 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,960 What did you just say? 312 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,880 I can't breathe. 313 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:32,760 This mask, it's pushing my glasses into my eyeballs. 314 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,240 Jurgen? 315 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,520 Yeah. 316 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:37,320 I'm Jurgen. 317 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,320 Oh, my God, it's been you this whole time? What...? 318 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,840 What were you doing? Practising for this witch thing? 319 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,280 What witch thing? 320 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,240 I... 321 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,240 I have never seen him before, I thought he was with you. 322 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,160 Sorry, why ARE you wearing that? 323 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,160 None of your business, nosy. 324 00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,280 What? 325 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,880 Nothing. 326 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,200 No, go on. 327 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,920 No, I don't know... 328 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,640 No, go on! No, no, no, I don't want to upset you. 329 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,600 Yeah. What, why? 330 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,600 Just you've dropped the accent a couple of times. 331 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,320 I'm Dutch. 332 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,840 I'm... I'm definitely Dutch. 333 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,800 Ask me anything about the Dutch, I'll tell you about the Dutch. 334 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,600 What's "hello" in Dutch? 335 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,160 Don't you know? 336 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,640 No, I'm asking you. 337 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,240 Where ARE you from? Dutch. 338 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,480 Where are you from? 339 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,320 Tiverton. Yeah. 340 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,800 Ollie's birthday? 341 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,360 No. 342 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,360 What year did the Spice Girls release Wannabe? 343 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,720 1996. 344 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,480 PHONE CHIMES, SHE CHUCKLES 345 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,120 Classic Nic. 346 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,640 At certain frequencies, you can 347 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,520 hear the sound of grass screaming as you mow it. 348 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,840 Be present with your plants. 349 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,120 Connect with them. 350 00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,720 Ask them a question. 351 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,320 Do you...? 352 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,240 ..come here often? 353 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,880 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 354 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,160 Are you ready to tell me the truth? What did you say to Nic? 355 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,040 What did you say to Nic last night to get her in that state, Suzie? 356 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,920 Who is this? Is this Jen? 357 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,520 Look, I... I know that you need this to be all Nic's fault. 358 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,680 But I think you need to remind yourself, Suzie, 359 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,680 that shagging Nic was one thing, 360 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:34,280 but telling her that he loved her, that was a fucking choice. 361 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:35,880 How dare you? 362 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,640 You need to back the fuck off, OK? 363 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,160 Just leave us alone. 364 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,000 Put Nic on the phone. 365 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,360 I can't. 366 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,640 She's about to be dunked. 367 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,120 LINE DISCONNECTS 368 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,600 Bitch! 369 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,640 Not you. 370 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,280 Right, sorry, sack time. 371 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,200 Lucy's orders. 372 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,840 Look, don't worry cos I've left a hole in the middle there 373 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,160 so you can vape still, look. 374 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,680 All right, so let's just do it last minute then, shall we? Thank you. 375 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,640 Ollie was great back there, wasn't he? 376 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,400 He gets it all from you. 377 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:32,960 The good stuff, the funny stuff. 378 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,040 Not the cat murdering psychopathic stuff... 379 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,040 ..which is something we've got to do something about. 380 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,240 Cos I don't even want to think about what he might do next. 381 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:48,560 Cat's one thing, but there's a whole alpaca farm up the road and.... 382 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,720 Look, despite how I feel about you, 383 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,040 and all this shit... 384 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,800 ..Ollie still needs you. 385 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,720 So it's really important to me to know 386 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,120 that you're not going to do anything stupid. 387 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,360 Oh, fuck! Please, Nic. 388 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,560 Do you know what the horrible thing is? 389 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:17,520 And I can't even believe I'm saying this out loud, but... 390 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,880 ..I really resent Ollie and I 391 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,440 really resent how much I fucking love him, 392 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,440 because I can't just opt out. 393 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,760 And that's the only thing I want to do right now, 394 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,680 is just check out, and I can't. 395 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,440 And I won't, because of him. 396 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:41,840 And I look at you and how you are with him, 397 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,600 and it's so effortless and I can't... 398 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,960 I struggle. 399 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,000 And I just... 400 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:58,000 I don't know. In all honesty I just think I should never have... 401 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,240 ..I don't know, been a mum. 402 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,680 I don't know, you're probably right. 403 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,840 And as nice as it is that you've finally got a little bit 404 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:12,480 of self-awareness, I think you're being a little bit hard on yourself. 405 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,400 TWIG SNAPS 406 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,560 Oh! Hmm. 407 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,880 Ohhh! OK. 408 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,680 It's bag time, witchy. 409 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,560 What am I going to do? I... 410 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,240 Well, we'll figure it out, won't we? 411 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,520 No, I... I can't swim. 412 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,520 Oh, look - there's Mum! 413 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,880 This is utter madness. 414 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,440 Proud of you, Mum! 415 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:51,320 Your mum CAN swim, can't she? 416 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:55,000 Um, well she nearly drowned in a hot tub at Center Parcs, 417 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,760 but she'd had two bottles of rose so... 418 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,640 My precious young ones, are you ready? 419 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,080 Dunk her! Dunk her! Dunk her! 420 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,920 Dunk her! Dunk her! Dunk her! 421 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,920 Why are YOU chanting? What? It's... It's infectious. 422 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,400 I can't help it. 423 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,240 Hooray! 424 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:16,120 Yes! Hold her down till the bubbles stop! 425 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,040 Right, just stop it now, OK? 426 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,400 You've all had your fun!! That's enough. 427 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,160 Awww! 428 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,600 All right, then, OK, bring in the St John's Ambulance. 429 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,280 Do you think it might be the PlayStation that's... 430 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,520 No, the PS has got nothing to do with it. 431 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,760 The PlayStation plugs into the HDMI. 432 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,640 Yeah, I can categorically tell you that the PS has got nothing 433 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,200 to do with the Sky box. Nothing. 434 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,040 Do you want a beer? I've got some 8% ones? 435 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,840 Yeah. You saying that the PlayStation has fucked the Sky box 436 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,520 is like Dan insisting that Marilyn Manson 437 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,800 played the nerd in The Wonder Years, 438 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,040 or that Prince had three ribs removed 439 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,400 so he could suck himself off. 440 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,560 It's ridiculous and I can't debate it any more. 441 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,040 It's exhausting, OK? 442 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,400 Did you want the beer? 443 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,360 Are they cold? 444 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,120 Yeah. Then yeah. 445 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,720 I'm sorry... 446 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,040 Let's not fight. We weren't fighting. 447 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,160 Ooh! SHE CHUCKLES 448 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,680 Did you ask work about that week off? 449 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,520 Alex? 450 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,880 Alex! Yeah, it's not going to work. 451 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,920 What?! Why? 452 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,360 It's just too busy. I can't just drop them in it, can I? 453 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,560 But it's only a week. Yeah, and I said I'd ask and I did, 454 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,920 and I can't. Well did you tell them how lucky we are 455 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,280 to even get seen by them? 456 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,320 Why don't you go? 457 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,800 On my own?! Yeah. 458 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,080 You need to be there! 459 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,680 It's not like I can take a cup of your spunk. 460 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,760 What do you want me to do? 461 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,400 Take the time off! 462 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,960 I can't just take the time off, Suze, I'm an area manager! 463 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,080 For Frankie and Benny's! HE CHUCKLES WRYLY 464 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,840 OK, I... 465 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,400 I didn't... I've been sleeping with Nic. 466 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,240 DOOR CREAKS OPEN, KNOCKING 467 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,920 Hello? Hello? 468 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,040 Oop. All right? 469 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:39,240 Door was open. 470 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,480 I... I hear the PlayStation's fucked the Sky box. 471 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:44,920 Fucking hell! 472 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,000 No need to get upset, nothing I can't fix. 473 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,440 Ho-ho! Well, you won't be the first, you won't be the last. 474 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:51,480 Suze, do you want to... 475 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,240 Stranger things have happened, like. 476 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:57,320 Yeah, I've seen a toddler chew through a broadband cable. 477 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,280 Anything can happen, like. 478 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,840 What I'm trying to say, like, is that nothing fazes me, like. 479 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,480 You know, the last place I was at, you know, 480 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,640 a great big stately old home, like. 481 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,800 You know, Toad Of Toad Hall answers the door. 482 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,120 More money than sense, like. 483 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,280 And get this, I pulls back the Chesterfield, 484 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:18,240 dead Alsatian lying on a load of old copies of News Of The World. 485 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,920 Imagine how long it had been decaying there, like. 486 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,560 Oh, my God! 487 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,440 I know! Since you could buy a copy of the News Of The World. 488 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,480 HE CHUCKLES 489 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,200 Here, could I use your pisser? I'm busting. 490 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,240 It's the first on the right. Cheers, like. 491 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:33,680 You're welcome, like. 492 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,800 Suze, I didn't mean to just... 493 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,760 Don't come near me. 494 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,840 You are disgusting. 495 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,120 Since when? 496 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,440 Since that weekend at Longleat? 497 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:03,560 No. You are fucking disgusting! 498 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,200 Does she think you love her? HE CHUCKLES 499 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,360 Of course she does... 500 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:10,800 You don't love her? 501 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,720 Oh, do you love her? 502 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,880 Why aren't you saying anything? 503 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,800 Why aren't you saying anything?! 504 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,960 I don't know. 505 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,120 NEAR—Why aren't you fucking saying anything? 506 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,120 TOILET FLUSHES 507 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,560 WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?! I DON'T KNOW! 508 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:34,920 I DON'T KNOW! 509 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,400 Don't worry. 510 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,040 I've heard it all, like. 511 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:46,160 Only the other day I walked in on an argument between a husband 512 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:51,240 and wife because she caught him bollocks deep in the Sunday chicken. 513 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:55,880 Yeah, she walked in on him shagging it on the kitchen table. 514 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,440 He'd even put a thong on it. 515 00:24:58,440 --> 00:24:59,880 Ooh! 516 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,480 If that's what you like, like. 517 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,440 Oh... 518 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,560 So... 519 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,400 So where's this Sky box, then? 520 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,480 Oh, my hero! 521 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:46,520 Mm... 522 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,480 Oh, you're frozen. 523 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,160 Oh, God, you're soaked. 524 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,400 Can't feel my balls. Right. 525 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,880 Let's get you out of those wet clothes 526 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,320 and put them in the washing machine. 527 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,360 I can't believe you did that for me. 528 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,640 Well, you wouldn't have survived it out-and-out. 529 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:10,720 I was being waterboarded. 530 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,680 I was seeing white and everything. 531 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:13,720 HE SHIVERS 532 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,920 SHE LAUGHS 533 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,360 What? What? 534 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,280 Oh, you just... 535 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,720 ..turn me on a little bit in those boots. 536 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,040 Oh, dear. 537 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,760 You're a fine girl. 538 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,640 Aw! You look fit. 539 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:31,960 You're giving me the 'orn. 540 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,400 Am I? Yeah. Oh, my God, are you Danny Dyer? 541 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,760 Yeah, I am, yeah. TV's Danny Dyer? 542 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,280 TV's Danny Dyer. I can't wait to see your fanny. 543 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,440 You're well fit, I've always fancied you. 544 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,280 You know, I know Wayne Lineker. Do ya? 545 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,440 Will you introduce me? 546 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:48,840 Get you into Ocean Beach for free? I'd love that. 547 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,640 Oh, my God. You're actually into this, aren't you? 548 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,680 A little bit, yeah. CAT MEOWS 549 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,200 Oh. Hang on. I'm not having that. 550 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:56,680 Well, at least the cat's back. 551 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,920 Which means Ollie's not a psychopath, I suppose. 552 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:00,960 We're good, right? 553 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,600 PHONE RINGS 554 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,440 God's sake, why isn't she answering? 555 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:13,760 Mum all right? 556 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,320 Um... Yeah. 557 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,240 Yeah, I'm sure she's fine. 558 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,600 I really hope someone's untied her from that dunking chair. 559 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,240 Lucy! Oh, Jen, great timing. 560 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:26,560 Just wondering, have you got any condoms? 561 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,680 What? No, I haven't got any condoms. OK, never mind. 562 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:31,600 Listen, did you give Nic her phone back? I'm really... 563 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,520 Play it again. All right. One more time, though, yeah? 564 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,840 It's gonna kill me battery. OK, cool. 565 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,080 CHEERING, THEY LAUGH 566 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,240 We should put this on the big screen at school, like Mum made me do 567 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,800 for her at that memorial. What? 568 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,640 OK, so what you're gonna do is you're going to connect 569 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,600 it to this Bluetooth device, 570 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,640 and then when the phone alarm goes 571 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,920 off, you look at me, 572 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,840 wait for my signal, and then press play. 573 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,560 Maybe I should... She's fine. 574 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:07,760 Um... 575 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:09,240 What is she doing? 576 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,160 She's making it all about her, as usual. 577 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,320 OK. She's not fine. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 578 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,960 OK, everybody! 579 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,040 OK... 580 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,760 Who else is sick of old people? 581 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,040 What do they even do? 582 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:26,840 SHE LAUGHS 583 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,400 All they do, they drain the NHS of their resources... 584 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,720 ALARM FROM PHONE 585 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,640 ..buy things out of catalogues. 586 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:34,880 No? 587 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,560 Old...people are really good. 588 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:38,880 BLUETOOTH CONNECTION TONE 589 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,720 The one thing I'm lacking in my life... 590 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:42,920 Oh, my God. 591 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,880 ..is, like, real intense kind of passion... 592 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:47,320 Jen? 593 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,360 Harry! 594 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:06,960 beat down low