1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,760 When you sent me that message, it got my hopes up. 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,040 I thought it might be a booty call. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,360 Argh! My God, she's deranged! 4 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,680 Nic! 5 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:10,720 Did you know she told Harry 6 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,520 to play that recording of you at the memorial? 7 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,040 Harry, did Mummy make you play that video... 8 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,720 Don't, Nic! Yes or no? Let him talk! How dare you?! 9 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,480 It's the most heinous thing... 10 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,800 Shit. No, no, no, that's the wrong one. 11 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,920 You deleted it? What was the other video? 12 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,920 Nothing. You got what you wanted. Jen! 13 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,720 I killed him. 14 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,440 She could be anywhere. 15 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,000 I think I've found her. 16 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,360 DISTRESSING MUSIC BUILDS 17 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,040 MUSIC REACHES CLIMAX 18 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,280 We can't keep coming here every day, you know. 19 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,040 If I saw her here, then I'll see her again. 20 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,360 She's got to walk past at some point. 21 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,560 Look, I think you should try and just let this go now. 22 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,200 All this stress is no good for the baby. I'm fine. 23 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,040 Right, I'm calling it. Come on. I can't. You can. 24 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,360 I wouldn't be able to live with myself. 25 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,560 You shouldn't even be the one saying that, I should. 26 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,280 I mean, do you not realise how incredible you are 27 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,920 for actually wanting to do something about it? 28 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,520 I didn't, did I? And I should have done. 29 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,520 Come on. 30 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,760 You just need to let it go, focus on all the good things 31 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,560 that are happening. You're about to have a baby. 32 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,280 And... 33 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,040 ..maybe... 34 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,760 Maybe I could be a part of this baby's life with you. 35 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,080 Let me come to your NCT class. 36 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,680 And then when we get home we can run a nice hot bubble bath together. 37 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,560 Love your bubbling body in the bath tub. 38 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,280 THEY LAUGH 39 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,680 MESSAGE ALERT 40 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,040 What day are we going over there? 41 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,520 I don't know, but he promised it'll be a day 42 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,760 when we get the whole house to ourselves. 43 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,760 I'm just kind of nervous to go because he's got a real thing 44 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,520 for blow jobs but, like, it's not really my thing. 45 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,040 MESSAGE ALERT 46 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,120 What am I supposed to do while you're giving him a blow job? 47 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,760 I don't know, Lauren. 48 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,360 Just do what normal people do and go on your phone! 49 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,720 It's 9am. 50 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:36,280 Yeah, and I'm an alcoholic and I'm depressed and I want a drink. 51 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,760 Your honesty is actually really refreshing. 52 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,680 There was a woman that used to come in here 53 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,440 and she'd buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's 54 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,640 and then she'd buy a gift bag for it and she'd put it in the gift bag 55 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,760 and pretend it was a present for someone. 56 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,440 Yeah, that was me. 57 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,040 Oh, yeah, that was you. 58 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,280 Oh, yes, tissues. I literally just run out of wank tissues... 59 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,040 Right, take my money. 60 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,280 I want some dunkers as well, Kurtan. 61 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,760 Get it yourself, Kerry, you big lazy ox. 62 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,160 Absolute loon. 63 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,400 Oi! Go, Kurtan, go! 64 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,280 Faster, Kurtan! Faster! 65 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,040 Don't look back, Kurtan! 66 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,400 Kids, eh? 67 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,400 Sad thing is they're both in their late 30s. 68 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,280 KNOCKING ON DOOR 69 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,920 Can I help you? Erm, sorry... 70 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:35,880 It said on Google that this was the address for Rasputin's IT Solutions? 71 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,280 Yeah. 72 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,800 Jurgen! 73 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,640 Have we met? 74 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,280 I don't think so. 75 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,240 Hmm, not in this lifetime, then. 76 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,560 He with you? 77 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,040 Who? 78 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,880 The thin fella with the hood and the scythe. 79 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,280 What are you talking about? 80 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,640 Don't worry. Come in, then. Not you. You stay out! 81 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,080 Come. 82 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,520 No! 83 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,000 OK. Jurgs! 84 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,240 I don't know where he is. He's somewhere. 85 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,040 Huh. That's a nice picture. 86 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,800 Really nice colours in that one. 87 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:31,120 I looked through your videos but I don't see the deleted files. 88 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:35,520 Either you didn't delete it or you are, how do you say... 89 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,440 ..a compulsive liar. 90 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,520 What?! No, I didn't delete it. I told you, someone sent it to me 91 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,520 and they deleted it from the chat before I could watch it all. 92 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,120 Ah, OK. OK. 93 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,760 Do you see what I'm saying? Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. 94 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,840 So, do you think you can get it back? No. 95 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,240 Are you crazy? It's gone. 96 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:59,120 Oh, come on! You lot can hack the White House and the MOD and shit! 97 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,080 Tell me what you mean by "you lot". The Dutch? 98 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,680 No! Nerds! 99 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,280 Ah, OK. 100 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,320 Still offensive. A little less so. 101 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,840 Oh! 102 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,520 The next train at Platform 1... 103 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,280 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,600 Bingo. 105 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,640 God, I hate that coat. 106 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,520 Who does she think she looks like? David Jason? 107 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,520 No, wait. Come on, Suz, just let me do this, please. 108 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,520 You're going to tell her she's a shit mum. Jesus Christ, Suz. 109 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,120 And you're going to tell her she's fat. 110 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,240 Obese, even. 111 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,560 OK, this is getting ridiculous now. What am I supposed to say to her? 112 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,600 Call her a fat bitch, fat slag? 113 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,040 Hey, fatty boom boom, have another cream pie?! 114 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,920 This is not a joke, Alex. Yes, I know it's not a joke. 115 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,040 Why is this so hard for you? 116 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,520 Because you're still in love with her? I'm not in love with her. 117 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,680 I was never in love with her. 118 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,040 It's... 119 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:13,040 She was the only person who didn't make me feel completely incompetent. 120 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,040 You, Dan, Mum... 121 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:21,520 ..all of you my entire life made me feel like a LeFou. 122 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,400 She made me feel like a Gaston. SUPPRESSED LAUGH 123 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,040 There we go. Exactly! 124 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,520 You're going to tell her... HE SIGHS 125 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,520 ..the sex was fine, but she needs to lose some weight. 126 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,040 That will kill her. 127 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,960 Even more than the bad mum stuff. Fuck's sake. 128 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,360 And you're going to tell her her fanny stinks 129 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,640 like fish fingers left out in the sun. 130 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,120 No! 131 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,280 That's where I draw the line. 132 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,840 Fine! 133 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,240 I do love you. Text me when you've done it. 134 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,520 HE SNIFFS 135 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,040 Mmm. 136 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,080 Did you just sniff me? 137 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,880 Can I ask you a question? 138 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,400 Will you be my friend? 139 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,600 No. Over email? Give me my phone. 140 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,600 Just message? Yeah, no. Erm... Er... 141 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,760 I think she liked me. 142 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,160 No, she's gone. 143 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,520 Oh, well. Time for some Mr Bean, I think. 144 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,440 Where's your god now, Furby? 145 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,840 What are you watching? 146 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,040 That Furby's going to get absolutely creamed. Yeah. 147 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,760 LOUD THUD Oooh! 148 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,760 Can't you watch something else? It's only a Furby. 149 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,720 Guess who's dead. Hm? Guess who's dead. 150 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,960 Erm, a member of the royal family? No. 151 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,240 Local. Like, not...not famous. 152 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,520 Ooh, please say Malcolm from next door? 153 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,320 No. Oh! 154 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:15,120 Erm... Er... Boss-eyed trolley boy from Waitrose? No. 155 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,600 That lollipop lady who doesn't wear a bra? No. 156 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,600 Light bulb head man, wears Jamiroquai hat, 157 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,120 walks his dogs at midnight? Yeah, what is with that guy? 158 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,760 What's with the hat? I know. 159 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,040 Baggott. Oh! Baggott is dead. 160 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,720 Oh, my God, no! Yeah. 161 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,400 When? A couple of weeks ago, apparently. 162 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,800 The spirits did tell me a month ago. 163 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,040 I was going to warn her but then... I got distracted by a sudoku. 164 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,400 But a very, very tricky one, I've got to add. 165 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,000 Do we know how she died? The spirits didn't say. 166 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,080 I bet Jen found her. 167 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,160 What's that supposed to mean? 168 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,920 Oh, God. MESSAGE ALERT 169 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,760 My God! 170 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,680 Lucy will know. She's such a nosy bitch. 171 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,520 Oh! 172 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,120 Guess who's been arrested. Who? 173 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,560 Light bulb head man. What for? 174 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,360 Dogging. 175 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,040 That explains the dog walking at midnight, doesn't it? 176 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,600 It does. It doesn't explain the hat though. 177 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,040 No. How do you know about dogging? 178 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,280 Do you think 50 quiches is going to be enough? 179 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,720 Oh, God, yeah. I mean, I imagine, other than us, 180 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,840 the only people that are going are Daphne and the cab driver 181 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,480 that used to run her up to big Morrisons, bless her. OK. 182 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,040 How is she? 183 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,720 Well, she's not well, Nic, obviously. She's dead. 184 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,760 Oh, not Mrs Baggott. Jen! Right. God, yeah... 185 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,240 Jesus. 186 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,360 She's still a slag. Not her usual massive slaggy self 187 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,360 but maybe, like, grieving slag. What does that mean? 188 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,040 Well... 189 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,280 ..she's a bit weepy, but still looking over her shoulder for cock, 190 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,040 so she's... PRETENDS TO CRY 191 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,520 I've thought about calling her but she was so angry with me 192 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,000 last time I saw her I just don't know what to do. 193 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,240 What did you two fall out over? Was it cock? 194 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:14,360 No! What, she borrowed a DVD, did she? Bring it scratched. Typical! 195 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,760 No. It's not 2004. 196 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,360 That's... 197 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,040 FRONT DOOR OPENS Ah! 198 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,040 Back from your Hong Kong business trip, are you? Yeah. 199 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,560 Yeah? Still shagging that whore? 200 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,440 Like you wouldn't believe. 201 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,520 Guess who's shagging the PE teacher. 202 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,160 It's not me. 203 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,120 We've got that, erm, dinner... dinner party with Matt and Sophie 204 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,680 at the weekend. Right. I'm having a shower. Great. 205 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,760 Oh, my God. 206 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,520 Everything makes sense now. 207 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:52,040 What do you mean? Well, the stand-up comedy, the PTA shit, 208 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,520 you eating that spring onion raw. 209 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,680 Just leave the bastard. No, Nic, I can't leave him. 210 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,640 I physically can't. Why?! 211 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:07,040 OK, if I tell you this, please will you promise not to tell anybody? 212 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,720 Oh, my God, of course. 213 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:14,040 Erm, we're both tied into this joint Virgin Active gym membership 214 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,640 until next March. 215 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,120 Right. 216 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,080 It's 230 quid. 217 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,240 Can you just take me to go and see Jen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall we go? 218 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,200 I think Mr Woodbead's really good for you, you know. Do you? 219 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,200 I do, yeah. Do you know he's a proper entrepreneur? 220 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,760 He's got this amazing idea. He's going to take it on Dragons' Den. 221 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,200 Right. It's a port-a-potty for Glastonbury 222 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,600 that converts your shit and piss into energy 223 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,280 in order to charge your phone. 224 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,560 Oh, right. Yeah. And he was in Waitrose the other day 225 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,280 and he got me this recipe card for a flapjack 226 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,040 cos he thought I'd like to bake it. How cute is that? Ah, that's sweet. 227 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:56,520 And he just takes his shoes off, he puts his glass in the dishwasher 228 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,280 and I think the most important thing for me personally 229 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,200 is that he's just got this lovely, straight, normal cock. 230 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,240 Right, let's go! Yeah. Let's go. 231 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,360 So, what do you think? 232 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,600 Have you put filler in her lips? Yes. 233 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,040 Wow. 234 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,920 That has made a real difference. Yeah. 235 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,920 Well, it's taken years off her. 236 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,000 You know I could give her a non-surgical nose job? 237 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,080 Oh, no, no. I think that might be a bit too much. 238 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,040 God. 239 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,040 I just wish she could see 240 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,920 how much that's really balanced out her features. 241 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,080 God, why is life so shit? 242 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,760 It's a lot, yeah. Yeah. 243 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:41,960 Hi. 244 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,520 Hi. 245 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,680 Oh... I'm so glad you're here. 246 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,520 I'm so glad I'm here. 247 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,960 Oh, hi, Jesus. 248 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,360 Yeah, I don't know you. 249 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,720 Nic. You did my wedding. 250 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,520 I've done a lot of weddings. 251 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,520 But don't worry, I'll remember you. You're my first funeral. 252 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,520 MOBILE PHONE RINGS OK. 253 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,280 Yeah, sorry, I'm going to need to take this. It's my lawyer. 254 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,040 I'm going through a very messy custody battle with my ex 255 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,920 over our chinchilla. Chinchilla. Hello... 256 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,680 Why you laughing? 257 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,400 Hello? I'm not laughing. 258 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,280 No, he cannot have Alan on a Wednesday! 259 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,960 Well, I'm sorry, I've got a busy work schedule, too. 260 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,040 Yeah, I'm working two jobs, actually! 261 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,280 No, don't play with me! DOOR SLAMS 262 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,440 She was totally fine. She was in great spirits. 263 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,480 She'd come over to watch Magic Mike's Last Dance. 264 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,520 She just... She just loved... 265 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,280 The helicoptering, yeah. Channing Tatum. Yeah, yeah. 266 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,800 And then... 267 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,520 ..she started, like... 268 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,520 She started, like, breathing really heavily. 269 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,560 And I thought she was just getting a bit turned on. 270 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,360 You know? 271 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,280 So I just looked away. 272 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,040 But when I went to wake her up to take her home, she... 273 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,520 And all the breathing, it must have... 274 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,800 It must have been a death rattle. 275 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,520 Oh, my God. 276 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,160 I should never have agreed to let her watch it. 277 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:20,280 No. Not that many times. She didn't have the constitution for it, Nic. 278 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,120 And then I called Daphne, 279 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:26,040 just, you know, keep an eye on her while I'm calling the ambulance, 280 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,280 and while I'm on the phone I turn round 281 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:34,800 and I see Daphne is prying the boots off of her cold, dead feet. 282 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,280 Oh, my...! 283 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:40,760 And she's going, "Well, we can't let a perfectly good pair of Dunes 284 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,920 "go to waste, darling!" 285 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,520 You know? 286 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,520 And then she said... 287 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,280 .."She won't need them where she's going, darling!" 288 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,040 And she didn't point up there, Nic. 289 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,040 She pointed down there! 290 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,040 Oh, my God. 291 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,480 Oh, mate, I'm so sorry. 292 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,320 What can I do? Please, can I do something? 293 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,920 Nothing. I just... 294 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,520 It's all sorted now anyway. Jesus was the last thing I had to... 295 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,240 Right, let's polish this turd. 296 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,840 Jesus Christ, Jesus! 297 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,120 They didn't look like that earlier. They're definitely getting bigger! 298 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,440 It's probably just a slight allergic reaction 299 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,760 How can she be having an allergic reaction to lip filler? She's dead. 300 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,280 Well, the thing is, I didn't use lip filler. Huh? 301 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,560 I used a type of filler. What type of filler? 302 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,120 Expanding filler. 303 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,360 Oh! What?! No, it's fine. 304 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,080 It's industry standard. It's a kind of expanding foam, kind of... 305 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,520 Oh, my God! MOBILE PHONE RINGS 306 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,040 Oh, shit, it's Baggott's grandson! 307 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,280 Erm... 308 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,960 Hi! 309 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,280 They're getting bigger. It will settle. 310 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,320 Just keep her away from open flames. SHE GASPS 311 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,520 What? They're cremating her! 312 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,880 Look, yeah, I couldn't afford the proper stuff, 313 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,280 because every single penny I'm getting right now 314 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,840 has to go for the fight for Alan. 315 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,280 You do not understand what I've been going through. 316 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,120 That bastard had Alan for one week and he comes back to my house 317 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,280 four pounds overweight. Do you have any idea 318 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,120 what an extra four pounds of fat looks like on a chinchilla?! 319 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,600 He looked like a football. The bastard had been feeding him KFC! 320 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,120 I'm so sorry. 321 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,040 Napkins. Oh, my... 322 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,760 LOUD CRASH What was that? 323 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,360 Oh, shit! 324 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,400 MICROWAVE BEEPS AND SPARKS Yeah, that is going to be roasted. 325 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,040 Shall I? Yeah, let it out, let it out. 326 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,040 Whoa, that is smoky. 327 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,680 Oh, can I go down to the cellar and get the Christmas decorations? 328 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,680 Especially that can of snow, that'll explode nicely. Yeah? 329 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:18,880 No, cos the stairs are rotten, 330 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,520 you'll fall through and break your neck. 331 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,440 What the hell is going on? 332 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,040 What are you doing?! Science. 333 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,000 What's in there? What's in the microwave? 334 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,640 Mum, calm down. It's only a piece of magnesium wrapped in tinfoil, 335 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:35,000 balancing on top of hairspray. Absolutely not. Get it out now! 336 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,080 Oh, Mum, you're so boring! 337 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,760 Can I have a word with you, please, over there? Don't tell him off. 338 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,320 I wasn't, I wasn't. 339 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,680 Very nice frizz, that. Oh, thanks. 340 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,520 Did you come second in Crufts? Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. 341 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,680 Erm, are you sure you're OK with this? Yeah. 342 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,680 Hang on, what's going on? 343 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,520 Nothing, mate. Don't worry. 344 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,040 DOORBELL 345 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,040 I'll get it. Thank you. 346 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,120 Who's that? Hm? Who is it, at the door? 347 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,280 Oh... Jen and Harry. 348 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,840 What?! 349 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,760 I need a wee, I need a wee, I need a wee! Harry, will you...? 350 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,600 You...taken up scuba diving? 351 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,000 No, just muff. 352 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,200 I think I'll just wait for Nic outside. 353 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,520 Yeah, it's probably for the best, yeah. 354 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,040 Oh, come on, Ollie, please don't give me a hard time. 355 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,840 I mean, don't you think it's just a little bit suspicious 356 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,320 that you've fallen out with Jen and now suddenly Baggott's dead? 357 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,520 Nic, come on. Surely you've heard of the psychopath test. 358 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,040 What?! Why does a woman go to her mother's funeral, 359 00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,680 see a bloke she fancies, go home and kill her sister? 360 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,520 I think I know this one. 361 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,560 Is the guy Irish? 362 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,160 No. No. He's not Irish. 363 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:13,360 It's because she thinks that the guy will go to her sister's funeral. 364 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,040 That's how a psychopath's brain work. 365 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,000 Killing Baggott is her only way back in with you. 366 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,440 I don't think I like what you're trying to say! 367 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,960 It doesn't matter if you like it - it's the truth. 368 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:29,680 Her olive branch to you was homicide of a vulnerable old woman 369 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,040 who's probably got premium bonds. 370 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,760 I mean, that's how that woman's brain works. She's not right! 371 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,440 Jen's waiting. 372 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,480 How can you be so bloody stupid?! Hey, whoa, whoa! 373 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,520 Don't talk to your mum like that. Dad, surely you can see it too. 374 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,280 You've always said she was a psycho. 375 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,040 Yeah, but I can say that. I'm an adult, I pay my taxes. 376 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,040 You're choosing her over me, aren't you? Oh, God, no! 377 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,960 Yes, you are, again! Oh, Ollie, please. 378 00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,280 You know what? It's times like these I know exactly why 379 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,120 Macaulay Culkin divorced his parents. 380 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,040 Right, I'm not going Hey, you've got to go. 381 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,280 I can't, not when he's that upset. 382 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,040 No, you're going to go, and you're just going to take 383 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,920 as long as you need, all right? 384 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,120 Ollie's just so... 385 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,040 Well, Ollie will be OK. 386 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,440 I'll just whack the iPad in the microwave and... 387 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,040 No microwaves. No microwaves. Please, no microwaves. 388 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,280 I promise, no microwaves, no microwaves, OK? 389 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,800 OK. Thank you. 390 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,440 Thank you. 391 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:34,280 You know, despite everything else falling apart... 392 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,600 ..we've gotten stronger, haven't we? 393 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,040 Yeah. 394 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,760 GROAN TUBE GROANS 395 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,040 You all right, mate? Oh, God. How long has he been there? 396 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,120 I don't know, but he gives me the creeps. 397 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,520 You all right? 398 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,280 Are we the only women here? 399 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,120 Yeah, I think so. 400 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,840 Daphne was in charge of the guest list. 401 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,520 Had him. 402 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,280 Haven't had him. 403 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,640 There's still time. 404 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:09,520 Jen, I swear to you, I've made 50 quiches, and they've just... 405 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,680 They've evaporated into thin... You saw, didn't you? 406 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,320 Yeah. There were Lorraines and a spring onion one, and... 407 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,000 Look, Lucy, just don't. 408 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,760 No, listen, I boxed them up and I put them in the car... 409 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,720 Oh, bollocks. What? 410 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,920 There's no quiches. And, Nic, I'm very sorry but your cat's dead. 411 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,080 Oh, not again. 412 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,120 Well, just don't worry about it, Lucy, OK? 413 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,760 I don't think people are bothered about eating at these things, 414 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,120 they're more interested in the booze and we've got loads of that. 415 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,560 Well, we did have loads of that, look. 416 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,440 Ugh, Daphne! 417 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,440 Don't be angry, darling. 418 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:46,040 I'm raising a glass to the old bitch, darling. 419 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,880 I just... I can't deal with this. 420 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,680 Oh... I actually can't. I need to get hold of her grandson. 421 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,280 He's supposed to be doing the eulogy, he's not even here. 422 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,720 Have you called him? I can't find my pissing phone anywhere! 423 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,760 I wouldn't have left it in your car? Can you...? Yes, of course. 424 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,080 Yeah? No problem. All right. Thanks, Lucy. 425 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,760 Oh, God, the smell of Old Spice in here makes me want to barf. 426 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:11,080 Oh, my God, Jack Tanner, the butcher's boy. 427 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,680 I thought he died. 428 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:16,040 Oh, darling! I knew you'd come, darling. 429 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,080 Couldn't keep away, darling. 430 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,920 Is that rickets, darling, or are you pleased to see me? 431 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,120 Oi, why are you not playing with Harry? 432 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,560 I don't want to play with him. You play with him. 433 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,040 I don't want to play with him. He's not my friend. 434 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,440 MESSAGE ALERTS He's not my friend either. 435 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,200 Honestly, he's an idiot. 436 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,280 He thinks you can catch meningitis from charity shop toys. 437 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,920 MESSAGE ALERTS 438 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,120 Look what I'm wearing. 439 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,040 Oh, God, that's my favourite. You're giving me a semi already. 440 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,120 Let's go upstairs, then. Actually, no, just quickly come in here. 441 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:07,520 Please. 442 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,520 The baby-sitter's not shown up yet, so... I'm sorry. 443 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,280 Just let Lauren look after them. Absolutely not. She's an imbecile. 444 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,680 Who are you? 445 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,200 Father Christmas. 446 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,040 Oh, I knew you'd do this. You're just breadcrumbing me! 447 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,520 I'm not breadcrumbing you! I love you. 448 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,360 What else have you got in here? 449 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,040 You're always making excuses. 450 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,400 I promise, the boys were supposed to be out the house by now. 451 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,240 Some Frubes, I think. Nice. 452 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,360 Look how attracted to you I am. My boner's like the Eiffel Tower. 453 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:43,760 Look at that. 454 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,280 Dan, I'm serious! 455 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,040 OK. 456 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,000 I'll find a backup plan. Meet me at the usual place. 457 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,440 Please don't touch my Huel. 458 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,320 You know he's never going to leave her. 459 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,440 He will when he finds out I've not been taking the pill. 460 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,360 You're not pregnant, are you? 461 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,080 Where is he? 462 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,720 SCREECHING DISTORTION 463 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,640 What is this? Now a duet me and the old bitch used to sing. 464 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:27,760 it lasts eternally 465 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,440 This song's about me. 466 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,440 DOORBELL 467 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,920 Ah, come in. 468 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,040 Thank you. That's OK. Work called and Nic's got this bloody funeral 469 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,120 and I've got to sort this... It's fine, Dan. 470 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:56,840 OK. The boys are upstairs, they shouldn't be any trouble. 471 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,440 I'll be one or two hours, tops. Take as long as you need. 472 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,360 Thank you. You're a life saver. Help yourself to whatever... 473 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,480 ..wine! Ooh, thanks. 474 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:10,760 to understand the man 475 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,520 DISTRESSING NOISE 476 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,840 I have to get out of here. 477 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:31,040 a little bit more than me 478 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,400 It's fine. 479 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,280 Sorry, sorry... 480 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,440 Jen? 481 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,520 DISTRESSING MUSIC BUILDS 482 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,120 DISTRESSING MUSIC STOPS 483 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,040 Come on, Ollie. Are you coming back upstairs to play with Harry? 484 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,520 He won't come up. He hates me. 485 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,760 Ollie! 486 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,360 How do I buy V-Bucks on the phone? Can you do it? 487 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,480 You're a bit young for a phone, aren't you? 488 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,240 It's not mine, it's my mum's. 489 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,360 While you do that, can I try a beer from the fridge? 490 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:26,040 Yeah, whatever. 491 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:41,280 And it's the most heinous thing that anybody could do. 492 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,040 Oh, God, you're not a nonce, are you? 493 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,040 Oh, my God, no! 494 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,920 OK, no, fine, sorry. 495 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,360 Erm, I don't know what, then. What? 496 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,760 Alex... 497 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,280 What? 498 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,840 I killed him. 499 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,760 I killed him. 500 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,720 What? Oh, God, I can't believe I just said that out loud. 501 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,280 I killed him. 502 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,040 I killed him. 503 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,840 You know when the doors were closing and I said that it's because we... 504 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,040 ..we were hugging... Yeah. We weren't hugging. I just... 505 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,520 He'd dumped me and I was so angry... 506 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,120 No, fuck off! 507 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:24,520 Nic! 508 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,400 What the hell? This is... This is Sam, Mrs Baggott's grandson. 509 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,040 LOUD BANG 510 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,120 Fuck! Her lips have exploded! FIRE ALARM 511 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,840 MUFFLED SINGING 512 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,120 Nic! 513 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,440 Suz, I'm back. 514 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,880 Sorry I'm late. 515 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,760 Took longer than expected. 516 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,840 Well, where's Suz? 517 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,520 Oh, she had to go. Her car's outside. 518 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:20,760 OK. 519 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,040 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 520 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,120 She's left her phone. 521 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:34,040 OLLIE CHUCKLES 522 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,280 She'd forget her head if it wasn't screwed on. Women, eh? 523 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,520 Did she say where she was going? 524 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,040 No. 525 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:44,360 No, no idea. 526 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:49,520 Can't you see they're open wide? 527 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:08,520 Can't you see they're open wide?