Hey, everyone.
I know this is a bit of a departure from my usual Senuous
lifestyle content - but I just want to be real with you guys and talk
about something that's really close to my heart.
Cancer Awareness Week.
Cos I think it's so easy to sweat the
small stuff, and just forget about what's really important.
Hey, everyone.
Um, I know this is a bit of a departure from my usual
Senuous lifestyle content but, um...
I just want to be real with you guys for a second, and talk...
I need my car!
My son has a laser tag party in Beckenham this weekend.
I don't even know where Beckenham is without my sat nav.
Are you all right?
My ex stopped paying for the lease.
Apparently having a Tesla is a luxury.
It's a humble EV, for God's sake.
What do I do now?
You could try getting a job.
I have a job, Mal.
I am the face and brains and body and hair of Senuous -
a rapidly growing Instagram start-up.
Well, you could try getting a job that pays in money, and not these
"wellness supplement shakes" that've been blocking my hallway all week.
See you later.
{n8}What's the matter with you?
{n8}Come on!
{n8}Yeah, but is it a Neelam, Diego?
It has to be a Neelam.
Ref, VAR!
Well, they've got to be in season somewhere on the planet.
Go back and ask.
Oh, God, our goalie is shite.
Oh, don't say that, Della. Her mum's a psycho.
Oh, shit, she's looking.
- Hey, guys! - Hey.
Everyone looking forward to Parents' Evening tomorrow?
It's my favourite evening in the afternoon the whole year.
Yeah. It's kind of like, erm...
..Sports Day but for, er, for boffins.
Oi, Coach! What are we doing?
Right, guys, erm...
Anyone else want to try goalkeeping?
Hi! Sorry we're late.
The cab driver refused to drive across the grass.
And your card was declined.
Anyway, Della, I can thank you in person for the stiffie.
I was going to RSVP by post but now I can say it.
- It's a yes from me. - Great.
What's this?
- Oh, we're having a soft launch for Double Shin. - Ah!
So we're having a rehearsal lunch to iron out any of the glitches.
So you're inviting friends and family?
Yeah, I'd have invited you, Amanda, but I thought you were busy.
Yeah, thanks, Della. Yeah, no, I am actually.
- Yeah, that's what I thought. - Well, you thought right.
Because I am insanely busy right now.
Yeah, no, I'm in talks about a possible Senuous co-lab.
- What's a co-lab? - It means collaboration.
I always thought that co-lab sounded like co-labia.
No, it doesn't, Anne.
I was on Link-ed-din in for like, a second, and this big-shot
interiors firm just begged me for a meet at their flagship store.
Yeah, I guess it just shows what a thirst trap my brand is.
God, I'd hate to work for a brand. Too much hassle.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Hello? Is it a Neelam?
No, Neelam.
Why do you keep saying Neelam? It's getting quite annoying.
It's a kind of mango.
- Jog on. - Rude.
Well, Amanda, this is an impressive CV,
but I'm not seeing any retail experience here.
Yes, just there. Hygge Tygge.
Oh.
- I just assumed that was a typo. - No.
That was my lifestyle store in Chiswick.
Our Insta page actually got a like from Amanda Holden.
- Well, your references look great. - Thank you.
I'm actually quite a humble person,
so writing about myself like that was a real challenge.
But, as it says in paragraph five, I embrace challenge.
You wrote your own references?
I've been my own boss for 15 years.
Which is one of the reasons why this co-lab is, yeah...
You keep using that word, "co-lab", but what does that mean?
Great question, Daniel, thank you.
Um, what does the word co-lab mean to me?
I guess I'm looking for a symbiotic relationship where
I draw on my skills as a social media entrepreneur
to complement your...
..age-old knowledge of kitchens.
And bathrooms. I started in bathrooms.
Interesting. So you were...
..Daniel Kichen's Bathrooms?
Yeah. Then moved into kitchens.
Hence why it's now Kichen's Bathrooms and Kitchens.
That makes sense.
But a lot of our business comes from waste disposal units
- and boiling water taps now. - Brilliant.
Maybe you could tempt Amanda Holden into a waste disposal.
Get her up on the wall of fame.
- You can make a lot of commission selling those things. - Ah.
You know what, I'm feeling a lot of synergy in this space.
In the words of Sir Alan Sugar, "You're hired!"
OK. Yeah.
YOU'RE hired.
Well done.
- Hiya. - Hi.
Yeah, they're really playing the first team here tonight.
Mr Atkins. Ms Patel. Miss Clacy. Mr Kovacs here on the back two.
Great news, guys.
Senuous is now official partners with KB&K.
What'd she say?
Amanda got her job.
Not a job, Fi. It is a co-lab.
Yeah. No, they basically bit my hand off to work with me.
The plan is co-lab this year then go PLC.
Then aim to float myself by 2030.
- What the hell was that, Anne? - It's the timer. You only get
three minutes with each teacher and they're actually
- very strict about it. - OK. - Welcome to Squid Games.
- It's a dystopian Korean TV show. - I know, Anne.
Loved your approach to expanding binominals, by the way.
Very nice, yeah.
Sorry, don't mean to fan girl too much.
It's just, um, I always wanted to try my hand at teaching myself.
I'm going to give Darius some additional homework over half term.
It's important he gets a good mark otherwise he'll have to
repeat the module.
He'll get there - he just needs a little help with that final 10%.
See? I'm already 80% there.
Jesus.
Thank you.
"Struggling"?
I just think he might benefit from you working with him
on his homework over half term.
- As you're an accountant. - No, he's the accountant.
- I'm a landscape gardener. - He's the biological one.
- Ohhh... - No, we ain't together.
No!
- I mean, I wish! - What?
God, punching a bit above my weight with this hunk!
I'm just the stepdad.
Yeah, so, I'm more than happy to tutor Ned over the half term.
No, no, no, it's cool. I can do this.
Course you can, mate.
Great kid.
Really good grades.
The only thing I would say is that she should show up to school more.
What did he say?
Morten's nailing it, babe.
Here - it's an invitation to our restaurant launch.
As an apology from Della for not being able to make it in person.
Aw, thanks, guys.
Did he just get an invite?
Hm?
I said she's easily distracted.
Well, I think that's the case for all teenagers, though, right?
- What with social media and hormones and... - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, she does have a boyfriend now. - Oh, my God!
Georgie just needs to find a little focus,
because it's starting to affect her schoolwork.
Right. Understood. I'm wondering if you think, um...
I'm sorry, but our session's over.
- Yes... - The buzzer's gone.
Sorry, just... No, "I've started so I'll finish"?
Next.
Yeah, I know.
That was quite frustrating.
But I think I'm going to take midterm off.
Do some Anne-rithmatic with Darius. But, hey, silver linings
because I've always wanted to be a maths teacher.
Well, I think you'll find you need a degree to be a teacher.
Oh, yeah, well, I have a PhD in Chemistry from Imperial, so...
Right. Not a degree, though, is it?
Excuse me, young lady. Where do you think you're going?
To the park with Morten.
No, no, no - you heard Miss Leary. You need to be studying.
That is what you're spending your half term doing.
What, because I'm so stupid?
God! I can't believe you called me stupid!
No judgment from me.
I've got to teach Ned maths all week.
Sorry, Mal, I don't have time for this, I've got a co-lab to get to.
Stupid bike.
Um, where's your helmet?
If it's a choice between brain damage and helmet hair,
I think you know where I stand.
- How you getting on, big man? - I don't get it.
- Why are these so hard? - All right.
Let's get this done and then we can go for a Five Guys, yeah?
All right.
4a... 3-3a,
2... something... 5,
exclamation mark.
This isn't a maths questions, this is a wifi password.
Right, let's have a look at the second one.
OK. Plan B.
Welcome to Maths Caaaaaaamp!
Thank you so much for doing this, Anne. You're a life-saver.
The more the merrier. Now come on, just about to get started.
All right, listen. Don't tell your mum or JJ, yeah?
Mooove!
- Christ! - You posh blonde idiot!
Good morning, Amanda.
- Daniel! - I was expecting you for nine.
Oh, I was aiming for nine-ish.
You try cycling from So-Ha to Ea-Wil with a mood board.
Right. Let me put down my thought collage, and then maybe you could
direct me to the best local roastery for a decent java.
Let's start with your shirt.
Um, my colour palette is very much spring-summer
and this is autumn-winter, Daniel.
It is pretty quiet today so do you want to start with some flyering?
Flyering?
Right, Daniel, flyering's not in my job description.
Did you read your job description?
- No. - Well, it is.
"Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas."
Not my words, guys,
but those of the late great Albert Einstein.
Here we go, boys.
You know what that is?
That's Euler's Identity.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Einstein was right.
That is poetry.
So, guys...
..are we ready to make poetry?
How are you not getting this?!
OK, first you multiply them by themselves
AND THEN you add them together!
Jesus!
Right.
If we've to do it again, we'll do it again.
Work out the value of T
when P=4 and W=2.
What are you doing? You're supposed to be at home revising.
- Why are you wearing a vest? - It's a camisole.
- Don't change the subject. - I'm here to help Morten.
Yeah, Della sent me to go get her mangos for the restaurant launch
so, you know, she came with me.
Why are you in Willesden anyway?
Queen's Park borders. I'm meeting some of my team.
I like to get really under the bonnet when I co-lab.
Anyway, this isn't about me. You obviously can't be trusted, George.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling your grandmother.
She can help supervise you.
Why's that old man waving at you?
Hey!
Oh, men wave at me all the time.
- Hello? - It's my burden.
Amanda, can I have a word?
Yes!
Now I'm not going to have a go at you for taking your top off -
it's a very effective sales technique -
but I'm not paying you to stand around on the street gassing.
Do you know who that was? That was Della Fry's daughter.
- What, the chef? - Yeah. - What, you know her?
We're close personal friends.
Our daughters are basically sisters, we're so tight. So...
Here, do you think you can you get Della Fry to endorse
a Sinkliminator?
I mean, she'd look great on my wall.
Err, right...
Erm...
I don't know if that's something she'd really go for, Daniel.
Surely she'd do it for a close personal friend?
Yeah. I mean yes, yeah. No, I will, I...
That's something I will definitely mention to her, for sure.
Quick, let me in, it smells of buses.
I hear you're under house arrest.
So stupid.
What's this?
Selling Sunset. It's about Californian Estate Agents.
Oh, fantastic.
You'd probably learn more from them
than anything in a boring book, y'know?
- Hey, Anne. How's it going? - Great, yeah, yeah.
SO fun.
I think we're really getting somewhere, y'know?
There he is! Hey, slip me some skin.
Yeah. Going for gold.
All right! So...
- ..same time tomorrow? - Yep.
Oh, for God's sakes!
What are you doing?!
Oh, darling, I didn't expect you back so soon
Not cool, Mummy. I asked you to do one thing.
This may be an alien concept to you
but my daughter needs to be studying.
Not looking like a contoured badger.
- You're going to Anne's tomorrow. - Why?!
Gan Gan said you got three GCSEs and you're doing great.
6, 15, 24, 33...
Hey!
Eyes on me, yeah?
So the interval here is 9, but we're not starting with 9, are we?
So we would express this sequence as 9n-...?
- N? - No.
We've been through this.
It's 9n minus what...
..is 6?
OK, it's 3! All right, OK?
Clearly it's 3.
The answer they're looking for is 3.
So the answer you need to write down, right now, is 3!
It's the nine times tables, less three! GOD!
Doesn't that feel good?
Actually answering a fecking question?
Enough is enough.
Question 28.
N=76.
- Question 29... - What was 28 again?
Keep up! I just want to finish this homework.
Question 30.
Four to the power of nine. Done.
Do not tell your teacher I gave you the answers.
Let us never speak of this again.
There is literally nothing this thing can't obliterate.
And just so you know, the chef Della Fry?
- We're talking to her about fitting one. - OK, thanks.
Oh.
- Fi. - Hi, babe.
Bit short notice, but do you fancy a lunch at Double Shin?
It's our soft launch today and there's a bloody tube strike,
so we just need bums on seats.
Oh, well, I'm very touched that Della asked for me personally.
Oh, er, just out of interest, Fi,
and obviously I can totally afford it but, er, is it free?
Yeah, yeah. Course.
Oh, great. Erm, OK.
Err, yeah, well, I will call you back in two minutes.
- No problem. - OK.
Oh, Daniel.
Daniel. Hi. Is it all right if I pop out for the afternoon? I've...
Sorry, you've got to man the shop.
Oh, well, I've got this incredible opportunity...
Yeah, look, I'm in St Albans all afternoon
quoting on a nursing home refurb.
Hey, Amanda.
Not happening. I got to go.
- Hello. - Fi! Hi.
Err, it's a yes from me.
Hi, Della. Hi!
What are you sniggering at?
Have you seen this logo?
Darling, that definitely says Double Shit.
Thanks for coming to our Double Shindigs.
- Yeah. Um, who designed the logo? - Oh, me.
I did a graphics course recently.
- Della really loves it. - Hmm.
I'm so sorry I'm late, guys.
Anyway, what's got two thumbs
and deliberately didn't have any breakfast? This guy!
I'm only here for the free drinks.
Fair enough.
- How was Maths Camp last week...? - Oh, so fun.
So much fun.
Tough, mind.
But fun. Difficult.
Yeah, rewarding, you know?
But tough.
- Daniel. - Do you want to tell me why the shop's shut?
Yes. OK... I can explain.
I don't want to hear it, Amanda.
Look, I don't think you should bother coming back.
No, Daniel. Wait, listen... OK, listen... The thing...
OK, the thing is, Della Fry called me
and I think we're in a really good position to get her to
endorse the Sinkliminator, and so I made an executive decision...
You're not an executive. You're my employee.
We're splitting hairs here, Daniel.
My point is, I think she's going to do it.
And so I popped out to seal the deal.
OK.
Fine, but...
I've actually got to go right now
because we are kind of mid pow-wow, but I will see you tomorrow, OK?
- Bye. Bye-bye-bye! - Amanda...
Yes, Chef!
I need more mint, Hector.
Yes, Chef.
Hey, gurl. Amazing launch.
I loved those mushroomy starter things.
They were baby rabbits.
Yum.
So...
Imma ask you straight - big shot to big shot.
You know how I'm doing this co-lab with this amazing boutique
- kitchen company...? - Are you trying to sell me something?
No, no! God, no.
I don't work in sales.
No, it's more of an endorsement deal...
Stop. No.
..for this funky little gadget we have - it's amazing...
- I do not do endorsements. - It will cut through...
- I am not a sell-out. - ..anything.
- Not like Jamie "Sainsbury's" Oliver. - Obviously.
But I don't think putting your name to a genuinely life-changing
device that saves not just time but also landfill...
- 30 seconds to service, Chef! - Thank you, Ruben.
..and I really think this is a very special product
and couldn't possibly be described as selling out...
Stop talking. I got to go.
Can I get somebody on the pass, please?
Thank you. Thanks, all.
Well done on being the best-fed free-loaders in Kilburn.
Welcome to Double Shin.
My new baby. The ethos behind this restaurant...
Listen, I just wanted to say big props on the whole maths thing.
Yeah?
Y'know, I read through his revision worksheets and they are great.
I just feel really bad that...
- Of course you're great at maths. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
Because this is the signature dish of Double Shin.
And excuse me for being a soppy goose,
- but this is a tribute to my incredible wife Fi. - Aww!
I couldn't do any of this without her support.
Yeah, so this, this is Neelam mango sorbet.
Which is Fi's favourite fruit.
And as tomorrow is our wedding anniversary,
I thought I'd propose a toast.
To Double Shin and my amazing Fiona.
Double Shin.
All right, all right, eat, eat, eat!
God, I love anniversaries.
Our next biggie will be, um, pearl.
But I can't imagine Chris giving me a pearl necklace.
Well, now we all can.
Shiiiiiit.
Are you all right, Amanda?
Yeah! Hey, no, I'm fine!
Are you all right?
I totally forgot it was our anniversary tomorrow.
And I've not even got her a card.
I think I can get her a box of West Country cheeses
delivered by tomorrow.
Or I could get her some craft ales?
Oh, I think we can do better than that, Fi.
But I will need a little favour.
Mmm.
Are you ready for your present?
Ready!
Thanks, babes. Aw.
- Oh. - Do you like it?
Do you have the receipt?
- Yeah. - I don't know what this is.
"We have reason to believe...
"some children caught copying each other's...
"Please come for a meeting at 12..."
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Shit! Shit!
- Amanda? - Mummy, hi, yeah.
I just got a message from the school about a meeting at midday.
Yeah, and I can't leave my co-lab.
I thought you were your own boss.
Yeah, no, I am my own boss,
but I've got a really important meet with, um, a big hotel
- and... - OK. - Please, Mummy. Go to Georgie's school for 12 o'clock.
- Oh, do I have to? - Yes, bye. - Really...?
For the umpteenth time, can you not use your phone on the floor?
It was a family emergency, Daniel.
Well, you've obviously got time on your hands,
so can you shift that grout?
All right.
Oh, dammit!
Oh, God!
Oh, hello, Amanda.
I didn't know you worked here.
I don't work here.
Of course I don't work here.
No, um, no. Just browsing around myself.
- You're wearing a uniform. - Yes.
No, I can see why you would think I worked here.
But I don't.
I don't work here.
I co-lab, but I'm mainly in the head office in, um...
..Mayfair.
- Amanda! - You shifted that grout yet?!
Fine, yes, I work here, Della, yes.
So... I'm just doing this till Senuous takes off.
You don't have to tell me how hard it is to launch something.
- You're skint. - Hm.
- You're desperate... - Well, I wouldn't say I'm desperate.
Your car's been repossessed, your ex is a cock,
and he's dumped you in it financially...
We actually have a really incredible relationship for exes...
Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say is that I think that what you're
doing is pretty impressive.
Thank you.
The fuck is that?!
So, I'm just saying that, erm, coincidences do happen.
But all three of them got exactly the same answers wrong.
I can explain.
I think that my knowledge...
..of maths got the better of me.
And I may have helped Ned a bit too much.
- No, don't beat yourself up, mate... - No, no, no, no.
- I can't let you do this. - You can.
It wasn't Mal. He had nothing to do with it.
It was me. I'm the cheat! I'm the liar.
What's going on?
I thought teaching maths would be easy.
But it is so hard.
Amen to that, sister.
I just started filling out a few answers, y'know?
And then one thing led to another and I don't know what happened.
Just...
Before I knew it, I was filling in the whole thing
Oh, God.
I don't see what all the fuss is about.
They're all going to be fine. It's just a stupid maths test.
- That's not helpful, Mrs Sanderson. - That's not helping.
Hey, JJ.
I'm sorry.
I just...
I think, if I'm not doing the day-to-day tricky stuff
with Ned then what am I?
I'm just a guy that takes him to the zoo and hands out 20s.
I feel like a weekend dad, and weekend dads are shite.
Come off it.
I'm just "the stepdad".
The lamest of all the dads.
I'm like a bad cover version of you.
I'm like the Westlife version of Uptown Girl to your original
Billy Joel.
No!
You're Beyonce's version of Blackbird.
That is a banger.
Do you want me to take over the maths homework?
Fuck, yes, please.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's not real.
How was the meeting at school?
Oh, Georgie got a detention for copying.
I mean, pfff.
Honestly, the fuss they made.
What do you mean, "pffff"?
Don't pff that, Mummy.
This is important.
What's got your knickers in a twist now?
I have just been sacked from a job selling waste disposal units
in a burgundy airtex.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
Why on earth are you doing that?
Why? Why!
Because I am not qualified to do anything better, Mummy!
I've only got three GCSEs.
Oh, I suppose that's my fault?
Yes. It is your fault. Because the only things you ever made me work on
were a killer backhand and toning my legs.
Being good at tennis is an excellent life skill.
I'm not arguing that, but I want more for Georgie.
I don't want my daughter to fail her exams
because no-one could be bothered to help her.
Where did she go?
See, nothing to worry about.
I was a single mother too, you know.
Well, your father went skiing a lot.
Fine, maybe I could've been a smidge more hands on.
I'm sure you can find a way to make it up to me, Mummy.
Yeah.
I've come to get my mood board back.
And my co-lab.
Why would I give you your job back?
Cos I'm damn good at it.
And I'll be even better, Daniel, if you'll just let me fly.
I need a sales assistant, Amanda, not a seagull.
And also because I am bringing you a big new client.
- Who's Felicity Sanderson? - It's Mummy.
And she wants a complete new kitchen.
Including a fizzy water tap.
Why are you making it so hard?
It's obviously an irrational number.
That's the whole point of the exercise...
You know what, forget it. Forget it.
- What's Anne's number? Let's give her a call. - What?!