Right! Johannes. Don't forget your aftershave
- and anti-snoring nasal strips. - Thank you, Buki.
- And your athlete's foot spray. - Ah, yeah.
It really flared up under my bandage.
But I guess if you get a fungus hot and damp,
you're going to have issues, eh?
I'm not going to miss sharing a bathroom with four people,
but I'm really going to miss you.
Oh! I'm going to miss you, too!
But if you will live on the other side of London...
Actually, Amanda - I got you a little surprise.
- Oh! - As a thank you for looking
after me while I was recovering from my war wound.
Johannes, it was a snake bite.
That snake went to war with me, Amanda.
It wanted me dead.
Hmm...
Ta-da!
Oh...
Oh! Oh, my God, Johannes!
Yah. It's a hybrid - like us.
Cos I love petrol and you love electric.
And look, look, look.
It's got a personalised number plate.
It says, "Sensuous."
Yeah, it does!
But my business is "Senuous".
I don't see what you're saying.
Oh, I don't want to be difficult, but it's got too many 5s.
It should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
Well, you have to disguise some of the letters as numbers because...
No, I know that, sweetheart, but you've done 5-E-N-5-U-0-U-5.
And it should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
- Amanda, I'm confused. Do you want the car or not? - YES!
I love... I love... I love it!
{n8}You know when people say,
{n8}"It's like watching a car crash in slow motion"?
This is what they mean.
Johannes bought her that.
Apart from the fact I'm a massive lesbian,
I do not understand what she sees in that huge plate of gammon.
Yeah. I think we were all rooting for the snake.
- Eh-up, here she comes. - Hi! - Hi, Georgie!
What's with the wristbands?
I dunno.
RSI? Too much texting?
- Nice wheels, Amanda! - Yeah.
Little thank you from Johannes for being his sexy Florence Nightingale.
Christ. No-one ever tell him the going rate for a nurse?
What's the price tag on that thing?
I didn't ask, and I don't care.
It's a very lovely gift.
- Diego. - 98 grand.
Fi!
I said I didn't care.
Is it six figures with the sunroof? Yeah.
- Hi! - Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, Anne! - Great news, you guys!
The Bierkeller says he'll do us a keg of Hoppy Seconds at cost.
- Oh, that's great. - Yeah. - What's this?
Oh, we're just trying to organise the end-of-season awards party
- for the club. - Oh.
Last year was such a blast, so we're going for the same again.
So, keg of beer, bit of a barbecue, Mal and Ned's famous disco.
Anne, no. Come on.
Surely we can aim a little higher that.
That's all the subs will cover, sadly.
We're not exactly Tottenham's Hotspur.
How are you a coach?
Well, if it's a money issue, we might be able to lend a hand.
- The royal "we"? - Johannes and I.
If you don't mind making a little donation...
- Sure. - ..we wouldn't say no to some cava and a bucket of Haribo.
Anne, that's not how you spend money.
Oi! Posh Spice! You've blocked me in!
- It's fine. - "Sensuous"?!
- Move it or I'll slash your tyres! - Actually, I'm going to move it.
It's actually "Senuous"! The middle S is a 5.
- Mummy. I'm mid co-lab. - I know.
I'm actually in the market for, um, a fizzy tap.
You've got a fizzy tap.
Look, if you're bored, why don't you give Fi a call, see if she's around?
I'm not bored.
I'm just thinking of you, all cooped up in your showroom.
And I was thinking, you're looking a bit...
- Thin? - ..tired.
- You've got bags under your eyes. - Well, I'm fine.
- Thank you. - Amanda! - OK.
I've gotta go, Mummy.
Yes?
Amanda, can you do a delivery for me to east London?
Do I look like a postman, Daniel?
Look, it's 500 quid's worth of taps and they've asked for you by name.
Who orders £500 worth of taps?
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Oh, man.
Worth every penny.
- The taps! I'm talking about the taps I ordered. - Johannes!
Sorry, I just missed this so much.
Listen, Johannes.
Um, I was wondering if you thought it'd be fun to sponsor
the kids' football awards this year?
Just cos it's such a deprived area and, um...
Yeah, sure.
- Really? - Yeah. - Oh!
Oh, they'll be thrilled.
Could be a nice little, uh, send-off.
- A what? - Well, I've been thinking about your living situation.
And, er...
Oh, my God! Johannes, you've bought me a house?!
Oh, my God!
I haven't bought you a house, Amanda.
I've only just bought you a car!
Oh!
Greedy birdy! No, these are the keys are to THIS place.
- I thought you and the kids might like to move in. - Oh!
There's tons of space, got a bathroom each.
The guy upstairs lives in Singapore,
and the guy downstairs had his assets frozen, so talk about quiet.
- Yeah. - And look at the view.
You know we get seals here?
What about the kids' schools?
Oh, I'll just pay for St Anthony's.
It's much better than the dump they're at now.
God, that's so kind.
Can I think about it?
Yeah, of course. It's a big step.
Yes! For both of us! Yes!
50 years a bachelor and I'm throwing my keys around willy-nilly.
What have you done to me, Amanda?
I've lost my bloody mind.
Johannes, can we...? Let's not say anything to the kids just yet.
Just... I need to find the right time to talk to them about it.
Anything for milady.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, look! Look, a seal!
- Oh, wow! - Look at the little fella.
- Awww! - Ha-ha!
Oh, wait, wait. No, it's a...
It's a tyre.
Oh.
Yes, so we'll just wait a couple more minutes until we have everyone
- and then... - Sorry I'm late.
- Here she is. - Mad day at my co-lab.
- Budge up, Anne. - Sorry, Amanda, I'll get out of your way.
OK! Right, let's get started.
- Great. - OK.
So, um, I think you all know Amanda,
who has very kindly offered to sponsor this year's event.
Namaste, guys. I'm just glad we can give something back.
So I think we can all agree that, like,
last year's party was pretty awesome, so, as the old saying goes,
you know, "If it ain't broke, don't go tinkering with the original."
I just think we've had a terrific year as a club
and it's time we had a bit more pride in ourselves.
You know, we could, like, park the barbecue and get a caterer in.
Oh, I could do my sausage rolls!
Because there ain't no party like an Anne's sausage party.
No, thank you, Anne. No.
We are getting professionals in.
Can you see if the people who did my 40th birthday are available?
They've gone out of business.
- In a year? - Well, that was actually five years ago,
- because you're forty fi... - I'm thinking photo booth,
churros machine, um...
I'm spitballing here, guys. A mixologist. Professional DJ.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on!
The only reason I got involved with any of this football shit
is so me and Ned can DJ the party.
OK, Mal. Sure.
Though, it isn't all about you.
Can I just get some plain old cava?
I'm not great with the cocktails.
It mixes together fine in the metal thingy,
but once it hits my colon, it's like the rapids in Center Parcs.
Fine, we'll get some cava.
- Great. Yeah. - Well, that's sorted, then!
I will call my friend at Bluebird and get him started
on the cocktail design.
And you call the churros people.
That was a really brilliant idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's great to see her back to her old self.
She's had a bit of a crappy year,
so maybe just let her have this one thing.
That's what they said about Poland.
Yeah. So we just need...
Mika, to the left.
No, your other left.
Actually. Sorry. No, I was right. To the left.
Right, right.
Yeah. No, I didn't order cava.
That stuff tastes like fizzy piss.
You'll have to send it back and knock it off the bill, yeah?
Yeah. That's it, that's it, that's it.
- Just put it just there. - Would you look at this?
It's like the New York Mets Gala in here.
That's two different things, Anne, but, yeah.
- Love the banner. - Mm.
Johannes got that printed. Such a nice thought.
Look, I know you said not to, Amanda, but I made some of my famous
sausage rolls, just in case.
- They're not famous, Anne. - They are in my house. - Yes.
That's not what "famous" means. Let's leave the catering
to the caterers, shall we?
OK, everyone, all hands on deck!
♪ Make the body move... ♪
Ah, yeah!
Sorry, er, what does an Off-side Mule have in it?
- It's a Moscow Mule. - Oh, that's very good.
And the, um, the Pina Red-Carda?
- It's a Pina Colada. - Oh, that's very clever.
- Hey. - Bleurgh!
Huh! Someone's on it.
I have to tell Fi the business is going under.
What, here?
Yep. Safety in numbers.
And coming out to my parents taught me that I require
a very specific amount of alcohol before I reach a place
- of complete honesty. - What's the amount?
Oh, it's a very delicate balance.
The trick is to stop just south of vomiting.
Hmm.
- Did you decide on a cocktail? - Oh, no.
- Could I please have a glass of cava? - We haven't got cava. - What? - Hey!
Could I get a SoHa Moja and a Golden Baller
for Mr Van der Velde, please?
Amanda, you forgot my cava.
Yes. Johannes sent it back.
He says it's not a proper drink, Anne.
It's just Spain pretending to be France.
Have something else. Come on, be adventurous!
- And for you? - Just a beer, please.
Sorry, we ain't got beer tonight. It's just cocktails.
The Aussie guy said so.
Welcome. This must be your beautiful wife or girlfriend.
- I don't know. - Oh, yeah. Because football fans famously hate beer.
Come on! You can have your tinnies and your cheap bubbles any time.
Let's keep it classy for one night.
I'm trying to raise the bar here.
Literally.
Thank you, Jude.
Oh!
Mummy, look at you.
Are you staying?
Well, the kids virtually begged me, and so I jiggled a few things
- around in the diary. - Oh, that's great.
Georgie, take the wristband off. You look like Andy Murray.
I like it - it's cool.
It doesn't go with the dress, darling.
Well, neither did your plaid shirts and chokers,
but we let it go.
- Actually, Mummy, I'm glad I've got you. - What, generally, or...?
Don't say anything to the kids, but Johannes has asked us to move
into his place in Wapping.
Well, that's a very kind offer.
Yeah, he's so generous, and he worships me.
But I don't know if it feels like things are moving too fast or...
Well, sometimes you have to move fast, don't you?
I mean, you're not getting any younger.
Well, none of us are.
I think my dermatologist would disagree.
Look, I know I pretended to like this place.
- You haven't. - Wapping is the new Holland Park.
I'm so excited.
Good for you, darling.
- Thank you, Mummy. - Please welcome to the stage...
Oh! It's starting. Get yourself a drink.
Good evening, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
We've got lots to get through this evening.
- Lots of awards to give out. - Could I have a Goal Fashioned
without the bitters or the soda water?
- That's just a whisky. - Yeah.
Three of those - in one glass.
Well, it's been a very positive season for the under-11s.
Our unbeaten record in ten of our 18 games.
Thanks.
Christ! What the hell's in that?
Oh, that... that might be mine.
Here.
Oh, my God, is that a tattoo?
- It's just pen. Chill. - Pen, my hole.
That is a prison tattoo. Have you seen that?
It's not a big deal.
- Please tell me Georgie hasn't got one. - Yeah, of course.
We're best mates.
Please put your hands together for...
- JJ! - Woo!
Come on!
And now for the most improved award...
..the award for the Most Improved Player.
The most improved player joined us at the beginning of the season
and has quickly become an absolute lynchpin of the team.
I can't wait to see what she does next season.
So let's put our hands together for Georgie Hughes.
Oh, my God!
- Johannes, move... - This is my own creation.
I call it the Van der Velde Slammer.
Georgie's up. Johannes, sit down. Please, sit down.
- Georgie! - And well done, Georgie.
Up next, it's the under-15s category.
- Didn't get my photo! - Sophie Webster.
Come up and collect the award for Player of the Year.
Congratulations, Sophie. Right, let's crack on.
Finally, please welcome our club secretary, Anne.
Come on, Anne!
Last but not least, um, a huge thank you to our sponsors...
Ah, you're welcome!
- Dick. - ..without whose generosity tonight would be so different.
Um, a great big round of applause for Amanda.
- Yes! - Thank you.
Come on! Come on, come on.
There she is. All right, my baby!
- Woo! - Thanks, everyone.
Wow, that is a lot of dewberry goodness.
Um...
Thank you, of course, to Anne for, um...
Uh...
Thanks, Anne. Um...
So, on behalf of the Van der Velde Senuous Foundation,
I just want to say what a privilege it is to support the little guys,
you know, because, um, we might be up here, but...
..we never forget about down there.
So, um, have a great evening and enjoy the party.
All right, baby! That's my Amanda!
Thank you. Thanks, Anne.
Oh!
♪ Whoa, baby
♪ Hey Did I say?
♪ Ooh Whoa, baby
♪ Hey
♪ Oh, be...
♪ Oh, I'll bring you flowers... ♪
- Hey. - Hey. - Uh, listen, I was wondering, could you play me
a little bit of Rick Astley?
I don't think I have any.
Well, maybe you could just plug your phone in or something.
I'm more of a vinyl guy, you know? Old-school DJ.
Yeah. Well, maybe you could make an exception, seeing as I'm paying
for all this.
Yeah, right. I'll, uh...
I'll stick it on after this for you.
- Rick Astley, yeah? - Rick Astley, yeah.
What does she see in that dickhead?
Oh, you know, she seems happy, and I think she's really into him.
I don't know about you, but I can't drink another Crossbar-gerhita.
I'm going to sneak out, get some beers.
Anyone want anything?
Ah! Now you're talking my language.
No, we can't, because Amanda will kill us.
She wants everything all fancy in here.
Well, if you can't drink it in here,
there's always the shipping container out the back.
- Yes, mate! - Cava! Two bottles.
- I have money. - Sh!
Woo!
Georgie! Woo!
Sweetheart, come on.
- It'll be like when the Beckhams do it. Here. - No.
OK, well, just take the wristband off.
- No, it's cool. - Just for the photo.
You won't want to look back on yourself in sports casual.
- Oh. - OK.
There we go. There we go.
See, darling, like this. Like this. Put your hands like this.
There we...
- OMG, is that a tattoo? - No.
Only a little one. Me and Morten did them to each other.
Why would you do that?
- Because we're best mates. - No, you're not.
You're two kids who ended up in the same class for a bit.
You're going to look at that scab of hepatitis in a few years,
and you're going to say, "What was I thinking?"
- No, I won't. - You will, Georgie.
I don't know anyone from when I was your age.
- What does that tell you? - That nobody likes you?
- Oh, here she is. - Yes!
- Keep the noise down. - Come on, Fi!
- Bubbles for Anne. - Gasping for this. I'm gasping!
And we've got beers for boys.
- Oh. - She's lively.
Sh!
- Sorry. - I'll get you a glass, man. - Cheers.
♪ I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
♪ Gotta make you understand
♪ Never gonna give you up
♪ Never gonna let you down... ♪
Oh!
Someone needs to be filming this.
Where's Anne?
Can I say - you look insanely hot tonight.
I sent, like, five photos of you to my rugby mates'
WhatsApp group and they all agree you're a stone-cold ten.
The place looks great. You've really polished the turd.
Speaking of which, there's a great new sports centre in Wapping.
I know, no pressure.
Yeah, can I get, like, an empty wine glass, please?
Thank you.
There you are. I've been looking for you guys.
Hey!
Um... I was just getting some ice.
Oh! It's hot work spinning the old ones and twos.
Have you seen everyone? Where's Anne?
- We gotta get the whole gang in the photo booth. - Yeah!
- Come on. - I'm not sure where... - It'll be so good. I know.
Well, me and you, then?
Come on. Upstairs, Downstairs.
- It's such a fun party, isn't it? - Oh, it's so fun.
Oh, he's so generous, isn't he, Johannes?
Yeah. He really knows how to spend money on... things.
Yeah.
- You ready? - Yeah. - OK.
Do you remember the thing you said in the hospital about me
being too good for Johannes?
I don't remember saying anything.
I, uh... I had just taken an ecstasy by accident.
- Oh. - Kind of. And, uh, I should, um...
Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh...
Ooof! That really does taste like cappuccino.
I hate the way she talks to me like I'm a kid.
- Yeah, I know, babe. - It really annoys me.
Oh! What's up, sweetheart?
Mum's pissed off because me and Morten got, like,
the tiniest tattoo.
Oh, like she can talk.
- What? - Look, I think it's really lovely to have a little memento.
- A little something to remember, um... - Morten.
..Morten by at your new school.
New school? What?
- Oops. - Gan-Gan, what's going on?
No, it's not for me to say.
Hey, guys. Dope 'fits, for real.
Um, have any of you guys seen Morten's mum or your mum, Darius?
- Not for a bit, actually. Sorry. - OK, cool, cool.
Gucci. Um... Well, enjoy yourselves, yeah?
Gucci?!
Anne?
Guys?
Guys? Anne?
Shit. It's Amanda.
Just... Sh!
I feel like I'm in The Walking Dead.
What are you doing in here?
Why aren't you at my party?
It's not YOUR party, doll.
It's... it's the club's party.
Yeah, I'm just not very cocktails and canopies.
- Canapes. - Exactly.
See, I don't even know that.
And in fairness, we did say we wanted something a bit
more... low key.
Great.
At least we know where we all stand.
And next year, you can have your trough of lager
and your Scotch eggs because I won't be here.
- Don't be like that. - No, I won't be here, Anne.
I'm moving to Wapping with Johannes.
What?!
No, you're not. You can't move to Wapping.
- What about everything here? - Please, Anne, this was always a stopgap.
I do not belong in South Harlesden.
I should be among people who would appreciate this party.
I'm a canape person, Anne, and I refuse to spend my life
amongst sausage rolls.
- Ow! Fucking hot! - Johannes!
- Yes. - Yes, what?
- Yes, I will move to Wapping with you. - Oh, you...
- You will?! - Yeah. - Oh, my God!
I'm so fucking happy!
I love this woman!
I bloody love this woman!
Mwah!
I'm going to call my mother.
She'll be so relieved!
Um, coming back inside, Anne?
Uh, yeah...
I can't go in there.
I don't want to see her.
Would you tell Darius I'll be waiting outside?
Yeah, of course.
I hate her.
It's not fair. She's already made us move school once.
I just love it here.
Oh, girls. You OK?
- What's wrong? - My gan-gan said Mum's moving us to Wapping,
and I don't want to go.
It sucks. But your mammy loves you.
And she wouldn't be doing this unless she thought
it was good for you.
And sometimes in life, we have to do things that people don't like,
because in the long run, it's the right thing to do...
..even if people might hate you for a bit.
God's sake!
That's miles away!
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. If I could just get a minute
of your time, please.
To be honest, I can do because I paid for all this.
Um...
Amanda! Where's Amanda?
Amanda?
Amanda? Amanda!
There she is. Amanda, come up, girl.
Come up.
Come up here, baby.
What is this?
What's going on?
Now, I know we haven't known each other for very long at all,
but when you've had a near-death experience like I had recently...
..it makes you realise what's important about life.
So...
What have you done to me?
I hardly ever do this.
- What are you going to do? - Amanda? - Yes?
Would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?
Um...
Don't do it, Amanda!
- Anne? - No, no, no, no, no...
- Absolutely not. - What the fuck?
- You can't marry him. - What...?
I know you don't want to hear this because he's rich
and he has a nice flat.
- It's a penthouse. - It's a penthouse.
But as your best friend, it is my duty to tell you things
that you might not want to hear. And I'm telling you this right now.
You cannot marry him.
You're too good for him.
You're not my best friend, Anne.
- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.
My best friend is called Elizabeth, and she lives in Canada.
She was my maid of honour.
Oh, well, I don't see her here now, Amanda,
stopping you from making the biggest mistake of your life!
We ARE best friends, whether you like it or not.
And that's how I know you don't love him.
And don't go telling me,
"Oh, he makes me happy," because you have half a sausage roll
on your chin. And if you eating carbs isn't a cry for help,
then I don't know what is.
So, please... don't marry this dick and don't leave SoHa,
for the love of God.
Right. Well, if the drunk lady's finished with her floor show, then,
- uh... - I'm not even drunk! Thanks to you.
Well, if this is you sober, madam, then you are an embarrassment.
Hey.
- Don't talk to her like that. - OK.
OK. Look, I'll make it really simple for you, right?
You know the life I can give you.
Now, do you want that life?
Or would you rather stop here,
drinking shit wine in the arse end of nowhere?
Here you go, darling.
You know what, Amanda?!
All the best!
I know. He closed the tab.
I had to go to something called a Londis.
Urgh.
I would have said yes.
But look where that gets you.
I'm so proud of you, darling.
Your mascara's smudged.
I can't drink this filth.
I'm sure I saw a bottle of peach schnapps in there.
- I need to talk to you right now. - Oh, OK.
- Should we...? - No, no, no. Right now. Right...
Bleurgh!
- OK. What the fuck is...? - We're screwed.
I borrowed too much for Double Shin, and it's taken out both Shins.
I've tried everything, but the numbers just don't add up.
So, yeah. We're screwed.
- Good. - What?
I've barely seen you smile in the last two years.
In fact, I've barely SEEN you in the last two years.
No, I want all the success in the world for you, darling,
but if it's not making you happy
and this means that I might get you back, then...
..just let it go.
We'll be OK.
I can just start selling my ceramic pots.
Yeah, could be an emcee.
Anne?
I just wanted to say, um...
..your sausage rolls are actually delicious.
I know.
She's right, you know.
Well, no, Elizabeth was my best friend.
- But with the distance, we sort of... - No, not that.
You are too good for him.
Are you coming, big man?
Yep.
Ned.
There is space in the popemobile if you want a lift back to my house.
- My house! - Well, I'm 34, and you're 34A, so, uh...
Mummy, kids, come on, we're going home.
Mum, have you got a tattoo?
What?
I didn't tell her.
Well, thanks a lot, Mummy.