I, Seamus Zelazney Harper, the ...Exulted Love Machine...of the planet Earth
do hereby ordain that when fifty planets have agreed to join the Systems Commonwealth...
What are you reading?
It's, uh, Dylan's fill-in-the-blanks constitution.
"I the
of do hereby ordain that when fifty planets
and blah blah blah blah... kinda lacks the poetry of the founding fathers.
Founding fathers, you know, I've never understood that.
If they found it, it was already there, so how could they be its father?
It's complicated to explain. Here, we'll do you. I,
Trance Gemini.
The Sparkly Purple Babe of...
I still don't even know what planet you're from.
Oh...really.
So do you think the Erasians were big supporters of the Commonwealth in Dylan's day?
What are your people called, Trance?
It's not a secret or anything. It's just... I don't think you'd be able to pronounce it.
Well, a translation will be just fine.
Ok. Ummmm...it translates as "Exulted Love Machines".
Ha ha ha...why do I even try?
So, what do you think? Will the Erasians sign on?
Your guess is as good as mine. Actually it's probably better.
My mission is simple.
It's to restore the Systems Commonwealth to the glory that it was.
It's not for myself. It's not even for you. It's for everyone.
For every planet, a voice. For every voice, an ear.
A government of the people, by the people, and for the people.
Pretty words, Captain Hunt, but the Systems Commonwealth is 300 years gone.
To me, it was only yesterday.
Yesterday that peace and prosperity were the birthright of all sentient beings.
- Yesterday that a million worlds were able to... - Now you're exaggerating.
Actually, Councilor, there were 1.022.347 member worlds in the Systems Commonwealth.
Erasia was inducted in 6740, the 17th planet in the local cluster to...
That's ok, Rommie.
I'm sure the High Council is aware of Erasia's long and warm relationship with the Commonwealth.
Long it may have been. Warm it was not. You've missed a great deal, Captain.
You've missed seeing this world plundered by Nietzscheans.
You've missed the Magog invasions, the famines,
the years when civil war and anarchy raged unchecked.
You've slept through it all, but we did not. You've picked the wrong planet.
Dylan Hunt, you have agitated against the government of Erasia.
This court finds you guilty of sedition. You are hereby sentenced to life in prison.
Meeting adjourned.
The long night has come
The system Commonwealth, the greatest civilisation was fall
and now one ship, one crew are about drive back the night,
they'll gush up the light of civilisation
on the starship Andromeda hope lives again
.
What do you mean you lost them?
The minute they stepped into the Council Chamber, I lost the signal. That was yesterday.
Sounds like a hostage situation to me.
Ship, arm bomb tubes one through twenty for a warning strike outside the Erasian capital.
Ok, reality check?
What if they're starting a third course of a state dinner?
Blowing up the countryside would probably not help our situation.
Or Dylan is already dead, in which case we haven't a thing to lose.
In the old days, we had a way of dealing with situations like this.
We talked to people.
Contact Councilor Min.
Councilor Min's office. How do you wish to be announced?
This is Beka Valentine of the starship Andromeda Ascendant.
I'm looking for our captain, Dylan Hunt. He was meeting with the High Council.
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
Ok, maybe I should speak to the Councilor directly.
- Do you have an appointment? - We don't make appointments.
Councilor Min doesn't talk to anyone without an appointment.
I am standing at the helm of a High Guard battleship orbiting your planet.
Two words from me and a barrage of kinetic warheads will blast you, Councilor Min,
and three generations of Erasians back to the Stone Age!
I think you still need an appointment.
Now can we blow them up?
This is Re-education Center Helios Nine.
I am Sector Three Deputy, this institution's governing artificial intelligence.
You will address my avatars as "Warden". Your food ration disk...
Where's Rommie?
Excuse me?
- The woman who was with me. Where is she? - The women are processed separately from the men.
She hasn't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. We're innocent.
Your food ration disk will activate any of our conveniently located vending machines.
You will receive high protein kibble sufficient for 24 hours and 24 hours only.
Do not attempt to re-use your disk. Do not share it with anyone. And do not lose it.
Because without your daily ration, you will die. Any questions?
Yes. How do I file an appeal?
You're very funny, prisoner.
My only goal is the smooth and efficient operation of this facility.
As long as you don't impede that, feel free to amuse the general population.
Cozy.
Cork it!
The newbie'll think we're savages.
Welcome to hell, Mister...uh...
You can call me Hunt.
Tough guy. I'm impressed.
How about a traditional inmate greeting for Mr. Hunt.
Don't mind me.
Gorgeous, isn't it? I love it when they're new and shiny.
The Warden told me not to share that thing. Something about starving to death.
Well, sorry, but there isn't enough to go around, and well, some of us want seconds.
Tell you what, though. You can try to win it back!
I take it formal debate's not an option.
Uppercut! Uppercut! C'mon, he's got a glass jaw!
Oooh, c'mon! Pathetic. Zax is gonna shred him in a second.
All in favor of making an appointment with the High Council?
- That's what I figured. - Hey! Maybe we're overreacting. C'mon!
Ok, look. If I went missing with that fine looking piece of...machinery...I wouldn't want to be found.
- Well, it's not like that with Dylan and Rommie. - Wait.
- I'm detecting infrared plumes near the equator. - Infrared plumes? Like from a missile launch?
Very much like.
Evasive maneuvers!
Andromeda, activate the Point Defense Lasers and get us out of here.
- What about Dylan? - We can't help him if we're dead.
And Dylan can take care of himself.
Hey! Come on, you oversized goat!
Take another shot!
Nice work. No one's ever taken Zax before.
No. Really.
I think you'll make a nice addition to the inmate community.
Whatta you say, boys?
Come. Sit with me.
- Look, miss, I appreciate... - Kaylee.
Kaylee. I appreciate the, uh, hospitality, but I don't plan on being here long.
...let me guess. You're innocent.
Would it make any difference?
Not likely.
There are no return tickets from Hell Nine. So sit. Eat.
And count yourself lucky I favor men with blue eyes.
Lucky me. Uh, thanks, but I'll...I'll pass.
Don't be so hasty.
If you're not hungry, at least stick around for the after dinner entertainment.
And the clock on the wall says: Dinner Time!
Open the doors. Let the outsiders in.
Hey, single file! You know the drill.
How you doin', tough guy?
Are they getting enough food? They don't look too healthy.
If they were too healthy, they'd be a worse pain than they already are.
What gives you the right to treat them like this?
*I* give me the right.
Look, around here, there's only three roles you can play.
You can be a wolf, you can be a sheep, or you can be a corpse. Which are you?
Hey!
You don't wanna get on my last nerve, all right?
Rommie. You ok?
- What happened? Where are we? - Some kind of correctional facility.
Can you get a fix on our position from your astrogation program?
No. We must not be anywhere near the ship. I can't access any data.
I can't contact my mainframe. I can't even recharge my batteries. I'm useless.
Don't worry. I'll get us out of here.
- Forget about me. I'll only slow you down. - I'm not leaving without you.
You may not have any choice.
With no maintenance and no power, in a few days this body will be nothing but spare parts.
We can't just run and hide.
Give me a shuttlecraft, send me down to that planet and I'll have Dylan and Rommie back here by breakfast.
I dunno.
One forcelance Harper! Come on, you know you can trust me with a forcelance!
Trance, the last time I gave you a weapon, you started a chain reaction...
...on Gertrude Elian Drift: dumped the main power grid.
Well it was in a good way!
It's too risky. If Dylan isn't in trouble, and remember, we don't know that he is,
an outright attack could definitely put him in harm's way.
Well, then I'll go undercover. I'll be practically invisible. You know I can.
- It's too late for that. - Why do you say that?
I just intercepted a classified transmission in the data stream.
Two anti-government activists were shipped off-world at the same time we lost contact.
Dylan and my humanoid body aren't on Erasia any more.
They've been sent to a prison colony.
Hey, Jessa. What's fourteen times thirty-two?
Same as yesterday, Zax.
Fifty-two times forty-seven.
Come on. Fifty-two times forty-seven.
Twenty-four forty-four. Now can I have my supper, please, or do you need me to calculate pi for you, too?
Let the lady have her meal.
Who asked you?
Just trying to help.
Newbie, right? You've been here for, what, five minutes?
I've been here my entire life. I can take care of myself.
Cut her! Cut her!
So what do you think of the floor show?
Not much.
You know, this whole suffering, innocent act...it's getting kinda boring.
That's why I'm not the floor show.
No one here is innocent, only justified.
What about you?
- Me? - Yeah. What are you guilty of?
Oh, I was born guilty.
No one leaves Hell, remember?
Once you're transported here, you're here for the rest of your life.
Mate and reproduce, your kids are here for the rest of THEIR lives.
And so on, and so on.
There are people here who haven't even committed a crime?
Oh, I doubt that. It's hard to go a day without breaking one of the Warden's rules.
- That's not what I mean. - I know what you mean. I'm not stupid.
I also know that criminal behavior's hard-wired. It's diagnosable and inherited.
When I said I belonged here, I meant it.
Maybe you're not as smart as I though.
Excuse me?
Your argument is flawed.
Speaking French ran in families, too. Does that mean there's a French-speaking gene?
You've come to the wrong place to argue Nature vs. Nurture, Mr. Hunt.
Security alert. Security alert.
Perimeter integrity has been compromised. Activating auto-defense system.
- What's going on? - We're under attack.
Move it! Move it!
The food! Guard the food!
Move it!
- Cork it! I'm gonna get you out of here, ok? - No no no. Not without Rommie.
- Are you ok? - Probably better than you.
Implanted sub vocal mike. Cool.
Look, tell her to hang back and left.
- Whoa, what are you doing? - I'm not gonna hurt your girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
This way!
All right, Rommie, let's go.
- Andromeda, are you there? - Of course.
You know, you don't have to come to a control room to talk to me.
- I'm everywhere. - I know. It's just more personal this way.
You're worried, aren't you? About Dylan?
Not just about Dylan. You too.
Me?
Well, this morning I ordered bacon and eggs for breakfast,
and the Auto-Chef gave me Draconian fish ova.
And Beka asked you to play some rock music from her collection,
and you played a volcanic eruption on Terra Bella Minor.
I have been a little... distracted lately.
It's your humanoid body, isn't it?
- It's just another avatar. - Is it really?
Trance, at any given time, I'm a hundred robots, a dozen androids, a fleet of drones.
They're peripheral bodies. Useful and DISPOSABLE.
- I've sent fighters on kamikaze missions. - And I've had drones melt in planetary cores.
But this is different.
You said to Beka that Rommie was more like an extension of yourself.
Like my left hand.
Well, I don't know about you, but if I lost my left hand, I wouldn't be very happy.
No. No, you wouldn't.
Hang in there. It'll be ok.
Here's the deal. Erasia does not have a lot of interstellar traffic
Despite their famous hospitality.
Only three ships have gone off-world since we got here.
*I* tracked their navigational signals and extrapolated their destinations. Thank you.
One went to a mining colony. Two has already gone back to Erasia.
So, the shell with a "P" under it is right here.
Nice work, Harper. Saddle up, gang, we're doing a jail-break.
It's kibble-porridge. Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
For lunch, there's, uh, kibble-patties, and for dessert, kibble-cake.
Ooooh.... Don't tell me, uh, kibble-vinegar?
It's supposed to be wine. Too sour?
- Well, it'll get better with age. - Yeah. Maybe.
I don't get it. Aren't these terraforming pines?
If you say so.
If this planet was terraformed, there must be something here you can eat.
Well, maybe they didn't finish the job.
All I know is the soil pH is wrong. There's too much alkali. If you try eating this stuff,...
...it'll burn a hole in your guts. And even if you can stomach it, it's lacking vital nutrients.
It's one of the ways they control the prisoners.
And the inmates control the food distribution center.
The strong get stronger and the weak get weaker.
What about her?
She's an android. She doesn't need any food.
She's running on fumes, right?
She's conserving power. I don't know how much longer she has.
Well, all the more reason for you to help me, then.
- Help you do what? - Whip the inmates' butts, of course.
Oh, why do you think I helped rescue you?
Ah, because we're innocent? Because you wanted to help us?
You sure do have some warm, fuzzy ideas about convicted felons.
You want me to help you fight Kaylee's men I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Wh - Why not? You've seen them. You know what they're like! Kaylee!
There's three types of people around here: wolves, sheep, and corpses. Which one are you?
None of the above.
Kaylee's gang aren't the only inmates on Helios. If I help you run her out,...
...how long would it be before another gang comes along and starts the whole cycle all over again?
It's the system that's wrong. You shouldn't even be here. Let me help you leave this place.
Leave this place? Yeah, right!
Come on.
Smart missiles.
The whole planet is circled by an automated defense system. Nothing goes up. Nothing comes down.
I am not going anywhere. And neither are you.
Great.
Lock down. Security lock down.
All prisoners will await security personnel and maintain passive treatment.
Return to lock down.
Where did this come from?
How should I know?
This technology is illegal. Manufacturing it is a capital offense.
Hey, Warden, I'm your biggest fan. If I had a clue, I'd give it to you.
Not good enough.
Who made it?
Hey, I've got arteries in that neck.
Most organics do.
This prison only runs smoothly when we are in accord...
...when we abide by the rules for our common good.
- And your point is...? - I'm surprised at you, Kaylee.
The outsiders are no friends of yours.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you the consequences for non-cooperation.
I'm transiting into normal space... NOW.
I thought you said the prison colony would be here.
I did! The coordinates led right here!
I can usually spot a planet. They're large. I have good eyes.
I dunno. The navigational data from the colony transport musta been a false signature.
Part of the prison security system.
OK. Now I'm mad.
Andromeda, I want you to access the Maru's databanks.
I want all the documentation we have on penal systems in this area.
I need lists of mining camps, exile worlds, prison colonies, anything like that.
Processing... Data retrieved.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
How you doing, Rommie?
Conserving power.
Ah. So this is a bad time for the song and dance number.
Stop. It drains my batteries when I laugh.
Sorry, I didn't know you wanted to be alone.
Not at all.
- What's that? - Gee, let's see...dirt?
The soil's alkaline. My attempt at making wine, as you noticed, is acid.
And I have a workbench full of metal.
- A voltaic battery. - That's not bad.
Give me a day, and I'll have your robot girlfriend up and running.
I'll explain the many ways in which you are wrong while we work.
That's a lot of jails.
A lot of worlds, a lot of trash.
I never got the whole prison thing.
Hey, you have the potential to be a nasty piece of work.
Why don't we, uh, lock you up with a serious bunch of hardcases and get you really good at it.
They're sociopaths. It makes sense to remove them from the gene pool.
Well, you'd know.
I don't understand.
Law enforcement is less effective now than it was in the days of the Commonwealth, and yet,
there are more re-education centers, not less.
Re-education centers...
Maybe Commonwealth prisons were really "re-education colonies" but,
uh, these places today? It's all private companies now.
And the, uh, bean-counters have two words for their guests: "File" and "Forget".
Hey, did you find them? Can we go get Dylan and Rommie?
It's not that easy, Trance. Three spiral galaxies,
dozens of galactic clusters... there's gotta be hundreds of prison planets.
- 348, to be exact. - Really.
What about...that one.
- Why? Why that one? - Well, it's...pretty?
It's pretty.
- Now there's a solid reason to risk our lives. - You have a better idea?
No.
Well, we have to start somewhere. And it's as good a planet as any.
Can you hand me that scorcher?
The what?
The scorcher, that metal faceplate thingie.
They put it on convicts who act up. It gets real hot real fast.
- They torture you? - We're in hell, remember?
Why do you put up with it, Jessa? You're smart, you're resourceful...
And I'm a beautiful princess and you're going to take me away from all this, right?
What do you know about me? What do you know about my life?
I know you didn't do anything to deserve it.
Well, let me tell you about this place.
They disinfect your arm before they give you a lethal injection,
but my mom died in childbirth because there wasn't enough soap to go around.
We're not people, we're inventory.
They treat us like animals. They set me and my sister at each other's throats.
They strip away our humanity every chance they get.
So I wish you wouldn't go painting pretty pictures in my head.
You stay sane around here by keeping your head down and not keeping your hopes up.
Wait here.
No! No! NO! Put me down!
Help me! Put me down! DYLAN!!!!
How are you doing on power, Rommie?
Not so good. How're you doing on my battery?
Not so good.
You know I have to go get her, right?
I was afraid of that. It's a high security prison.
Automated defense systems, robot guards, lethal force.
I need her. Without her help, I'll lose you. Your humanoid body will die.
My humanoid body is expendable.
You aren't. Dylan, you're the only hope for restoring the Systems Commonwealth.
This is a suicide mission.
In a risk/benefit ratio, there's not one good argument in its favor.
I'll give you one: Jessa.
She's just one person. You can help millions.
The greatest good for the greatest number. Is that it?
It's never that simple.
It's simple. All I want is the greatest good for the greatest number.
The majority of prisoners benefit from the smooth and efficient operation of the system.
You are disrupting it. Why can't I make you understand that?
Poor communication skills?
- Who helped you make the weapons? - What do you mean, who helped me?!?
You are here because you're genetically flawed.
You are descended from pirates, thieves, and terrorists.
You are incapable of higher thought.
An outside agitator must have assisted you. I ask you again: Who?
You may torture me if you would like, but PLEASE DON'T INSULT ME!
If you prefer.
No way. I think she picked it.
Hey, guys, check this out. I got a signal. It's faint,...
...but it's definitely in the EM spectrum of Rommie's locator beacon.
Can you intercept their radio traffic? Is Dylan down there with her?
I can't. There is a lot of interference in the atmosphere.
It's a prison. They don't want to hear from the outside.
Well, they're gonna hear from us. Get us in closer.
We're gonna broadcast a message they can't ignore.
- Which is? - Let my people go.
- Hey, catchy. I like it. - I think it's ridiculous.
You trumpet your arrival to your enemies? For what? So they can aim their biggest guns at you?
Fine. We'll sneak in.
You're a good tactician, Tyr, but one hell of a wet blanket.
Dylan, if you can hear me, we have a fix on my humanoid body.
Beka and Tyr are coming down in the Eureka Maru.
They should enter atmosphere in approximately fifteen minutes.
No. No. Abort mission.
Abort mission. Weapons fire at low altitude. Do not approach!
- Do not approach! - No! Don't come down!
Who are you talking to?
You, Zax! I was saying don't come down to me, that I would come to you, huh?
Cork it! I see you decided to come back.
I - I need to talk to you. What's happening here is wrong.
We need to work together. You have to help me.
Help you what?
Rescue Jessa.
Why would I risk my life for an outsider?
Because the outsiders aren't your enemy. It's the system that needs to be defeated.
But most of all, because Jessa is your sister. Isn't she?
What's our ETA?
Any minute now.
They're all going to die.
Dylan's gonna die.
Please go back.
They can't hear me.
- Kaylee, wait! - I'm not having this conversation.
- You can't just let her die! - So what if she's my sister?
You know, that stuff means jack around here.
I don't believe you.
You're not that cold, Kaylee. This is a hard place, and you've made yourself hard to survive it.
But you are not cruel by nature, no matter what the Warden tells you.
You're here because the system says you're a criminal even if you never committed a crime...
...that your genes are bad, you're broken. I mean come on, you believe that?
It's the system that's broken.
That's where you're wrong.
The system's not broken. It's working exactly the way they want it to.
MMM-hmm. Well, in that case, let's break it.
Now you're talking my language.
What was that?
Could be debris. Could be hail. Could be somebody shooting at us.
Warning. Seditious conversation. Disperse immediately or fatal force will be exercised.
Show time.
You stay here. I'll draw their fire.
Zax!
It's now or never.
Jessa!
You came!
This area is off-limits.
I'll take care of him.
This avatar is fully equipped to deal with prison riots and other rebellions.
That's not debris, that's from weapons fire. Turn around!
No, I can handle this. Besides, the backward thrust engines are offline.
Like it or not, we're going in.
You surprise me. You know the consequences for unauthorized entry.
I'll show you unauthorized entry.
NOOOOOOO! No! No.
Kaylee!
Who do you think you are to come here and upset the efficient operation of my facility.
The rules are very specific. The penalty for infraction is death.
Rommie, the control panel.
- Sorry I'm late. - You're forgiven.
- Go ahead. Shoot me. - You're the Warden.
- You can't stop me. - No, but she can.
Time for an upgrade.
Kaylee!
Oh! She's my sister.
I know.
I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I am so sorry.
Cork it, kiddo. It's ok.
I'm free now.
Kaylee!
Dylan.
The air defense system. The Eureka Mar-uuuuu.
Authorization denied.
Alert. Incoming weapons fire.
- All right, what? Should we eject? - No. Not in this.
Come on, baby, you can do it.
- Come on. - Autorisation denied.
- Come on! - Autorisation denied.
It stopped.
Looks like someone deactivated the defense system.
Eureka Maru, you are clear to land.
Dylan.
You know, I'm starting to like that guy.
I meant what I said.
You don't have to stay here. We can take you with us.
No. I think I'll stay.
I mean, for the re-education center.
They don't do a lot of educating around here, you know.
Most of the inmates can't even do basic algebra, so...
I have a feeling you can teach them a lot more than that.
Well, check back in a few years.
You won't be able to recognize this place.
Or me.
Good-bye.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, I did.
- What's that? - Oh, this is an old Earth game.
This side's heads, this side's tails. I flip it in the air, you call it: Heads or tails.
Tails.
Heads. You lose.
- What do I lose? - Well, it's just a figure of speech.
I, uh, I understand that you were the one who found us.
You know, that's a, that's a million to one shot.
...No. It was only 1 in 348.
Is that all it was?
- A lucky guess. - Exactly. Lucky guess.
Yeah. Ummm... I just wanted to say thanks.
You're welcome.
Heads.
Tails.
Heads. Tails. Tails. Heads. Heads.
Subtitles by Yojimbo BST