1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:05,077 lt's a lovely space. They've just fitted all new cupboards. 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,915 - Really? - lt's brand new, with the latest colours. 3 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,832 l really like it. 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,753 - You like it? - l get a nice vibe from this place. 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,434 - l do. l love the light actually. - (Woman) Yeah. 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,194 The colour's great, it's this season's colour. 7 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:24,115 - (Woman) We won't need to do much. - You won't have to do anything. 8 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,032 l like it. 9 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,670 Why don't l leave you to have a look round and talk to each other, OK? 10 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:32,434 - Yeah. - What do you think? 11 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,556 - Did you see that? - What? 12 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,120 lf you keep touching things, you're gonna break it. 13 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:43,238 No, l'm saying, Lucy, is it's made of paper. Look. 14 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,393 - Why do you have to touch everything? - What is going on here? 15 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,030 What is going on here? This thing's made of paper. 16 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,993 This is made of paper, that's made of paper! 17 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,634 - That's made of paper! - How's it going? 18 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,473 - Do you like it? - Yeah, it's really nice. 19 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,676 You weren't supposed to do that. 20 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,515 Sorry, can you explain to us, why is the microwave, the cupboards 21 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,513 the drawers, they're made of paper - can you explain that? 22 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,433 lt's this new Japanese thing that's come out. Trendy. 23 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,556 - (Woman) Really? - Great, isn't it? 24 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,676 - Japanese? - Yeah. lt's a new design. 25 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,592 Really? 26 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,274 Sorry, girls, is anyone listening to me here? 27 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,113 l'm saying your kitchen here is made of paper. 28 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:31,115 l know. Don't you think it looks fantastic? Well, it did before you ripped it. 29 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,396 What else is made of paper? 30 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,230 God, the taps are made of paper! 31 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,916 Look, look... the cupboards... are made of paper! 32 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,991 The whole kitchen's made of paper! 33 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,833 - l'm just gonna pop outside. - Oi, where you going? 34 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,831 Oi! 35 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,797 Bloody kids! 36 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,030 - (Kids laugh) - Come back here, you punk! 37 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,796 lt's made of paper! 38 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,315 l can't believe we nearly bought this. 39 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,755 Oi, it's made of paper. 40 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,958 - I hate the idea of being Iaughed at. - (Kid laughs) 41 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,430 I don't wanna be judged the moment I Ieave the house. 42 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:28,435 So, when I go for a run, I try wearing cIothes that won't provoke derision. 43 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,033 Blue and white tosser. 44 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,270 PeopIe judge us on our appearance. 45 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:36,558 Today, it's a disaster if two peopIe turn up to work wearing the same cIothes. 46 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,472 Oh! 47 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:43,110 For ages I used to worry that I didn't reaIIy have much dress sense - 48 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,157 nothing I couId put my finger on. 49 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:48,995 Then I handed a bag of my oId cIothes into a charity shop. 50 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,116 This Iater proved to be a mistake. 51 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,475 - (Man) Hey, cool! - Look, look! 52 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,552 Yeah, l know. l bought all this in there. 53 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,039 Yeah. Hilarious. 54 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,395 Nice one. Hilarious. 55 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,198 It's a fickIe worId and the Iong honeymoon is over 56 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,316 even for EIvis PresIeys. 57 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,553 - (Audience chants) Off, off! ? Everything l do 58 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,518 - ? That's the wo... ? - Off, off! 59 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,990 You've gotta move with the times. Elvis isn't big any more - 60 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,071 it's Billy, it's Britney, 61 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,916 so l think the way round it is, you start as Britney Spears on Monday. 62 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:32,278 ? Well... l think l did it again 63 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:36,831 ? l made you believe We're more interested... ? 64 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,230 So, to survive, we've got to adapt. 65 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,676 I know nothing about footbaII but when there's a match on, 66 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,957 I can now yack quite confidentIy without being found out. 67 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:49,192 Are there too many foreign players in the teams? 68 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,477 Hammers are OK cos they got a lot of kids coming. 69 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,950 Maybe they should blindfold all the foreign players. 70 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,473 Why would they do that? 71 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,234 Just to make it more interesting. 72 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:04,154 - Oh, no, come on, ref! - That was really sore. 73 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,437 - That was really sore. - He's not giving a penalty, is he? 74 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,158 He come in from behind. 75 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,949 Look what he's doing now - that's one of those performances 76 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:18,240 that would get nominated for best supporting actor in the BAFTA awards. 77 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,072 Why don't they all do 4-4-2? 78 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,800 Even the Brazilian team play 4-4-2. 79 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,953 Cos the point is, if you've got skilful players, it doesn't matter. 80 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,633 They could kick it anywhere. 81 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:33,920 They're so skilful they can do all that and they can kick it anywhere, 82 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,911 so you can put them anywhere. 83 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:40,119 You can put them all in the middle and they'll know where to go. 84 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,078 So when the whistle's gone, they can all spread out. 85 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,277 - Some of them can hide... - No, they stick 4-4-2... 86 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,431 Keep it there. 87 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,718 - (Woman) HeIIo, TeIevision. - This is the Consecutive lRA. 88 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,440 There's a bomb in the Queensford Shopping Centre. 89 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,479 lt will go off in ten minutes. Put out a warning to evacuate the area. 90 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,596 This is your only warning. 91 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,716 Hang on a minute. 92 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,953 Consecutive lRA warning about a bomb in a shopping centre, ten minutes? 93 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,918 - lt does nothing for me. - Nothing for me neither. 94 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,832 (Woman) OK, ta. 95 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,355 Hello, l've had a word with our schedulers here 96 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,195 and we feel a warning about a bomb in a shopping centre 97 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,113 isn't what we're looking to cover at the moment. 98 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:26,796 Listen, you have got ten minutes, there's a bomb in the shopping centre. 99 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,270 - You have to put out a warning - (Woman) I understand the idea. 100 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,797 But we've just done a season on the '70s called 'Hey, lt's The '70s'. 101 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,635 - There was stuff about the lRA in that. - l don't think you understand. 102 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,473 l saw 'Hey, lt's The '70s', it's not about that... 103 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,473 - (Woman) It was very good. - lt was all right. 104 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,757 (Woman) We did cover the IRA. AIthough your idea's great, 105 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,593 we need something with more of a human interest feel. 106 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,832 - (Woman) Something a bit warmer. - A bit warmer? 107 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,709 There's a bomb about to go off in a shopping centre! 108 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,872 - (Whispers) Ant and Dec. - Yeah, Ant and Dec. 109 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,237 Yeah, OK, we like the shopping centre idea. 110 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,870 But instead of the bomb, couId we have Ant and Dec? 111 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,077 Ant and...? Are you taking the fucking piss out of me? 112 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,515 Ah, OK, yep, just hang on a minute. 113 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:18,390 - They wanna go with the bomb. - Can't we have Ant and Dec at the top? 114 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,917 - Film Ant and Dec and the bomb... - And just put out Ant and Dec. 115 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,036 - That's brilliant! - OK. 116 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:29,034 Hello, could we just put Ant and Dec in at the start? 117 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,952 Yeah, hold on. 118 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,430 They want to put Ant and Dec in at the start, make it a bit warmer, you know? 119 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,352 Yes. 120 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,636 OK, but there's only ten minutes. 121 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,598 Yeah, we got that, ten minutes. What's that two songs? 122 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:50,471 OK, brilliant. Ten minutes, that's working for you and for us as well. 123 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,279 Thanks, nice doing business with you. Bye-bye. 124 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,718 They're still a bit sticky but l think we've got them. 125 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,713 - You're so good at telly. - You're so good at television. 126 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,836 l'm so good at telly. 127 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,719 - You are good at television - We're all good at telly. 128 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:09,714 - We're all good at television. - (All) ? We're so good at telly 129 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,872 ? We're so good at telly, we're so good at telly ? 130 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,552 Hello, Hugh! 131 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,474 l'm paranoid that l'm not keeping up with what society deems fashionable. 132 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,392 Do you find that, being old? 133 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,312 - No. - All right, come on. 134 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:30,191 Our lives are controlled by computers these days. What was it like then? 135 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:34,558 ln those days, the lnternet was in black and white. 136 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,393 lt was only on for three hours a day. 137 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,711 We used to get dressed up in our Sunday best to log onto it. 138 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:45,078 We'd log on to letsbuy.com 139 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,834 and order a gas mask and a pound of tripe. 140 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,753 When we finished with the computer we switched it off 141 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,275 and we'd stand up and sing the National Anthem. 142 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,911 How did you amuse yourselves? 143 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,198 Well, we used to gather round the piano and sing Peter Andre songs. 144 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,796 While we were singing, we'd be showing off our pecs. 145 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,269 My dad had a lovely six-pack. 146 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,908 Cheeseburgers were a penny then. 147 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,669 Whenever I want to stop feeIing inadequate, I think of poIe-vauIters. 148 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,150 Most of us don't want to be found out to be rubbish, 149 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,629 so we stick to things we're good at. 150 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,155 But poIe-vauIters, whose onIy job 151 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,756 is to be abIe to vauIt over a poIe, repeatedIy don't. 152 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:32,278 AImost forever, in pubIic. Their onIy job. 153 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,192 My name is Aiden Lavender 154 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,716 and my only job is to make sure none of these milk cartons is leaking. 155 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,752 Yes, all the milk is still inside this one. 156 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,592 My name is Wendy Taylor 157 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:52,390 and my only job is to make sure the right cake gets to the wedding reception. 158 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,437 This is the right cake. 159 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,238 I can't be the onIy one who's shite scared of being found out. 160 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,994 SureIy everyone's rubbish at something. 161 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,232 l mean, Frank Sinatra couldn't click his fingers. 162 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,153 Prince Naseem Hamed can't work a yo-yo. 163 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,279 Most Millwall supporters find beer a little bit too gassy. 164 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,513 And Robbie Williams can't go to the toilet in the sight of other men. 165 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:24,629 lt doesn't matter, we won't have a go at him about that, sort of laughing at him. 166 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,759 I can't kick a baII, so the Iast thing I want to be near 167 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:32,469 when I'm out running, is a footbaII match 168 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,712 If the baII comes out, they'II want me to kick it back in, 169 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,836 which is why I've trained myseIf to run 170 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,594 as fast as possibIe away from the game. 171 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,990 It was the same for Sebastian Coe. 172 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,720 (Players yell) Come on! 173 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,394 - Come on! - (Whistle blows) 174 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,994 Oi! 175 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,789 (Laughs) Kick the ball! Kick it. 176 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,428 Kick it. For goodness sake, kick it. 177 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:04,114 (PiIot) I see a man down there and he's trying to kick a baII and he can't. 178 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:09,752 As I try to kick a baII properIy, in front of the fit and the dying, 179 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:14,948 it dawned on me how many words we have to express contempt for others. 180 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,519 - Wazock! - Spanner! 181 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:17,874 - Ninny! - Klutz! 182 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,314 - Hinky-head! - Manger. 183 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,391 - Five-penny twammer. - Assheap. 184 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,437 - Numpty. - Village Branson. 185 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,636 - Fag chest. - Cock-sucking witch. 186 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,518 - Fairy tit-cake! - Twit! 187 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,318 - Prannock! - Joey! 188 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:33,632 Men are always meant to fantasise about being brilliant footballers, 189 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,395 but l've always fantasised about brilliant footballers being like me, 190 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:41,235 so l can enjoy turning the telly on and see David Beckham hide his face 191 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,356 when the ball comes towards him. 192 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,239 Or Kanu goes for the ball and the referee shouts 193 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,995 ''Don't pass to him, he's rubbish.'' and Kanu starts to cry. 194 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,435 Or every week Everton try and get out of a match 195 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,556 by pretending they have tonsillitis. 196 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,712 - Kick the ball. - (Player yells) Give us our ball back! 197 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,271 Come on! 198 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,313 (Cheering) 199 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,232 l'm Tony Flanagan 200 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,029 and my job is to make sure no one breaks into this car showroom 201 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,509 and drives off with any of the vehicles. 202 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,918 l can't believe you've actually come back amongst us, Jesus, 203 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,958 and that you're here in our reception. 204 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,430 (Man) l have come to heal you. What ails you? 205 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,195 l've got terrible recurring psoriasis on my hands 206 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,316 which gets bad when l'm stressed. 207 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,516 (Man) Your psoriasis is cured. 208 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,717 Thank you, Lord, l'm so grateful. 209 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,156 Jesus, l've... l've knackered my knee. 210 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,834 They say l can't play rugby any more. 211 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,036 (Man) Your knee is now fine. 212 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,351 lt feels better already. Thank you. 213 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,229 My Lord Jesus, l have for the past two years suffered from ME, 214 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,550 but it's chronic fatigue... 215 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,676 (Man) Yeah, well, we all get tired. 216 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,628 - l've got a terrible hangover. - (Man) Did you badly cane it last night? 217 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,756 Yes, Lord. 218 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,480 (Man) You are now cured of your hangover. 219 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,632 Thanks. That'll teach me not to mix me drinks. 220 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,472 (Man) You have heard my words, now go forth and spread my message. 221 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,108 - Thank you very much. - Thank you. Thanks. 222 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,236 (Man) Goodbye. 223 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,831 Bergkamp, you've got 22 legs, use them. 224 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,833 There are so many foreign players now that at half time, 225 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,072 instead of oranges they'll have snails and tapas. 226 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,550 (All) United, United! 227 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:05,919 ? Ay-ay-oway-oway Derby County! ? 228 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,795 I don't want to be caught out again saying the wrong thing, 229 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,475 so I'm training for a dinner party tonight with an attitudes tape. 230 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,632 It teIIs you aII the views you need to be interesting company 231 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,791 without being too provocative. 232 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,872 (Woman) Those new VoIkswagen BeetIes are quite good - 233 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,996 you'd Iike one of those. 234 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,789 You haven't'seen a white egg for years. 235 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,510 They shouId reintroduce woIves to ScotIand. 236 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:42,110 Joke - the Bank of EngIand, they think they've got a Iicence to print money. 237 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,670 Bacardi Breezers are too sweet for you - 238 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,308 they're usuaIIy drunk by teenagers. 239 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,189 You've got a Sky dish up - what's the probIem? 240 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,955 It's Iike peopIe having a go at you for having a chimney. 241 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,918 The Forest of Dean is a nice pIace to go. 242 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:03,551 (Armando ) I hate taking my car to the garage. I know nothing about cars. 243 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,473 Any time a mechanic comes out from under my car, 244 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,234 I feeI Iike a sIug who's handed him some Iettuce, 245 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,550 saying ''Cut it up for me, pIease. '' 246 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,473 - l can't touch it, it's got asbestos. - Of course. 247 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,029 - Looks like a wiring problem. - Take my money. 248 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,191 - That's a Daewoo for you. - HeIp me. 249 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:23,399 I acted Iike a reaI jizzhead at that party Iast night. 250 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:27,109 Why did I think it was hiIarious to hoId a meIon 251 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,716 and a bowI of pate up to my chest and say ''I'm a Iady. ''? 252 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:34,509 God, that guy was there. Everyone thinks he's reaIIy funny. 253 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,274 If he's there and I try to be funny, 254 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:41,115 I know it'II just come out Iike I've got a broken washer. 255 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,236 - lt's a Visa card. - Nice car. 256 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:47,279 - Thanks. l know nothing about cars. - That's what we're here for. 257 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,149 There's a problem with your card - it says you're a twat. 258 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,073 What do you mean? l'm not a twat, l can assure you. 259 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:57,994 - lt says it here. He's a twat. - What's the problem? 260 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,952 He's a twat. 261 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,430 lt's never come up with ''he's a twat'' before. 262 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,353 - Look on the list. - Yeah, check the list. 263 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:11,080 - A list of twats in the area. - Thank you. 264 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,789 - There he is, look! - There, mate, that's you. 265 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,317 l realise that's me but l can assure you, l'm not a twat. Who compiles the list? 266 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,436 We do... you twat. 267 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,909 On what criteria do you decide l'm a twat? 268 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:28,551 Look, mate, you're in the book, you're on the machine, you're a twat. 269 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,439 Could you phone the card company... 270 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,036 Take your twatty card and let us get on with our fucking job! 271 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,034 All right, l will. l'll take my twatty card and go back to my twatty wife, 272 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,998 and you'll be hearing from my twatty lawyers. 273 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,912 Twat! 274 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,436 A bit worried about my new cIothes. I wonder if they make me Iook gay. 275 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,558 Look, it's you. What you doing here? Twat! 276 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,359 Here, look! Oi, twat! 277 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,960 I'm not a twat. Other peopIe are. 278 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,760 Those peopIe at weddings who are served champagne 279 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,753 but say ''It's sparkIing wine, actuaIIy''- they're twats. 280 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,876 That man there, he's the sort who says, 281 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,395 ''Cheer up, it might never happen''- Twat! 282 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:12,348 PeopIe who ring up Radio Five to argue with Nicky CampbeII - twats! 283 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,192 That man on the regionaI news - 284 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,193 every year he writes a song for Princess Anne's birthday - 285 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,430 he's been doing it for 1 6 years. 286 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,194 ? This is a day they cannot spoil 287 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,715 ? The birthing day of the Princess Royal 288 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:29,954 ? So let's celebrate the living span of our lovely Annie Anne ? 289 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,190 He was the biggest twat. 290 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,597 My name is Stanley Pugash and my only job 291 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:41,072 is to see that any shark fitted into the wing of an aeroplane is securely fitted. 292 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,992 Yes, it's firmly secured. 293 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,038 l teach my clients to have confidence in themselves, 294 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,953 to take control of their life and circumstances. 295 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:54,877 The only way l can do this, l suppose, is to be a shining exponent of it myself. 296 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,077 So, really, my only job is to be prepared for whatever... 297 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,313 lt's easier to organise a round robin than to be a round robin. 298 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,277 (Laughter) 299 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,034 - Armando's here, everybody. - Hi, sorry l'm late. 300 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,952 Welcome. 301 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,759 Hi. l know you, l know you, yes. 302 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:18,959 - You must be the missing link. - l, l'm shaking his hand, yes. 303 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,315 l'm sorry l was late. 304 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,152 Going back to the Europe thing - 305 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,596 isn't it inevitable that we end up joining the Euro? 306 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,070 lt is inevitable. People are so suspicious, aren't they? 307 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,993 That's the stupid thing. lt's like the justice system - 308 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,913 we assume it'll be worse abroad than it is here. 309 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,992 Bring back our plucky paedophiles. 310 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:43,995 You know, from the Philippines, because we always assume that British people, 311 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,357 if they're convicted abroad, they're actually innocent. 312 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,080 - But this is Europe, so... - l know. 313 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,708 l was just making the paedophile link. 314 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,633 - l don't know... - Like the missing link thing. 315 00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,078 Yeah, l was kind of thinking more about Geoffrey Boycott. 316 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,152 He went to France twice to try and clear his name. 317 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,790 - And he lost both times. - That's so British, isn't it? 318 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,032 lt's not the winning that counts, it's the taking part. 319 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,509 (Laughter) 320 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,958 And if you want to sort the law and order thing out, 321 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,315 - Ha ha! Very funny. - Thank you. 322 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,358 lf you want to sort the law and order thing out, 323 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,511 make Mad Frankie Fraser mayor of London. 324 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,352 (Laughter) 325 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,069 He'd sort the law and order thing out. He'd have a referendum 326 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:34,199 and ask the public, ''Are you in favour of law or order?'' 327 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,794 (Laughter) 328 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,953 Just to sort of to pull right back to the Europe thing, 329 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,395 because the whole Europe thing, 330 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,189 it's not so much like two bald men fighting over a comb, 331 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:51,592 it's more like 1 5 bald men fighting over a honeycomb. 332 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,157 You know, like bees buzzing and wasps. 333 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,914 The European parliament looks like a honeycomb. 334 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,150 - (Man) Does it? - Yeah. 335 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,198 Oh no, it's the German one, sorry, the German parliament! 336 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,158 - The Reichstag. - lt looks like a honeycomb. 337 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,753 You had the Wrongstag. 338 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,115 - (Laughter) - Do you want a drink, Armando? 339 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,556 Yeah, can l have a low alcoholic lager please? 340 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,473 Be careful or you'll end up in low alcoholics anonymous. 341 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,915 (Laughter) 342 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,719 - Ta-da! - (All) Ooh! 343 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,678 You are incredible! Did you make those? 344 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,594 l did, and do you know what? l even made the pastry. 345 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,512 Oh, superb! 346 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,389 - Are you the puff daddy? - (Laughs) Puff mummy, actually. 347 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,677 - (Laughter) - We'll all look like pies after this. 348 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,149 - No, they're not fattening. - No, l know. 349 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:47,189 l feel l should be sitting in a corner, with my thumb stuck in the pie. 350 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,430 - (Laughter) - Like, er...dykes. 351 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,114 The Dutch sticking their thumbs in dykes. 352 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,750 No? Stick their thumbs in dyke holes? 353 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,793 Oh no, sorry, you're thinking of Tom Thumb. 354 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:04,670 - Jack Horner. - Oh, Jack, Jock, Jack... 355 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:09,550 Corner, Horner. Horner Corner. lt's the horny corner. 356 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,793 - (Man) Excellent. - Bon appetit! 357 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,551 So, Tim, you holiday in Europe, don't you? 358 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,109 Er, l quite like it. 359 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,271 (Woman) We're off to Washington. 360 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,874 Are you not worried about the violence? 361 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,235 Crime rates are sky-high in Washington. 362 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,916 (Woman) They say there are more guns there than people now, don't they? 363 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,313 But...apparently, there used to be more people. 364 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,869 (Laughter) 365 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,517 l think it's worth it just for the art collections 366 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,592 because some of them are absolutely superb. 367 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,876 l'm not so sure about art myself. 368 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,430 90% of it is all right, nothing special. 369 00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,878 l suppose most of it is fine, that's why they call it fine art. 370 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,190 (Laughter) 371 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,036 But l prefer science myself. 372 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,430 - You know Steven Hawking? - That's my pie. 373 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,636 - Sorry? - That's my pie. 374 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:20,679 - You've got a pie over there. - Tim, all the pies are the same. 375 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,877 - Give me my pie back. - That's my pie. 376 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,635 - lt's my pie. - Get off me! 377 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,315 - You've got my pie, you fanny! - That's rubbish as witty, that is. 378 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:35,439 - Please, just calm down, come on. - Stop it! 379 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,310 That's enough. Just give him his pie. Let him have it, for goodness sake. 380 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,869 - He's got my pie now. - Thank you. 381 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,998 Anyway, what were you saying about Steven Hawking? 382 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,835 Was Steven always known as the black hole of his family? 383 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,070 (Laughter) 384 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,117 He's reading from the pie. 385 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,589 - lt's all in the pie. - Don't be silly. 386 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,389 There's stuff in the pie, there'll be stuff in the potatoes. 387 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,515 Hey! 388 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,672 There's nothing in the potatoes, it's all in the pie. 389 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,798 Then the pie was opened and Armando began to sing. 390 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,030 - (Laughter) - Forget it! 391 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,557 lf it wasn't for that stuff, all the stuff he'd be saying would be jobbies. 392 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,550 I stiII suspected that everyone apart from me 393 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,676 was being heIped by more than pies. 394 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,593 - I went back to the garage. - Craphead. 395 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,230 I'd aIways wondered why mechanics had to trundIe underneath your car 396 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,152 before they couId speak to you. 397 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,198 - What's wrong with my car? - Hold on a minute. 398 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,439 - lt's your starter solenoid, it's gone. - ls it? Let's have a look. 399 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,795 - Don't go under there. - Don't go under there. 400 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,190 What's this? What's that? 401 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,352 - Stop him, he's gonna hit the buttons. - Oi, oi! 402 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,154 It's aII written for them on the chassis. 403 00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,070 What's wrong with my car? 404 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:57,189 lt's got a leak, but you can patch it up if you find the right size jubilee clip. 405 00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,998 Tossers. 406 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:04,551 I'd aIways wondered why my friends had wires coming out of their ears. 407 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:08,429 I determined to get to the bottom of their knowIedge of footbaII. 408 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,994 In every pub ceIIar, experts are teIIing bIokes what to say. 409 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,630 You might wanna try Gary Neville. And Phil Neville. 410 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,155 They've got Lou Macari's mobiIe phone number. 411 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,799 (Cheering) 412 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:23,834 Oh! 413 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,349 What's the latest? What's happening? 414 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,750 lt's one, something, isn't it? 415 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,672 For whom? 416 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,549 Arsenal, England. One of the two. 417 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,917 Figo, do you think he's overpriced? 418 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,277 Er... What's Figo? 419 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:46,034 Oh, it's washing stuff. 420 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,760 They paid £1 ,000 for him. 421 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,990 - A thousand quid, wow! - For a footballer? 422 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:55,119 - God, that's a lot of money. - And they can keep him? 423 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,998 70, please. 424 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,153 I'm happy now, now I know we're aII the same. 425 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,396 We're all twats!