lt's a lovely space. They've just fitted all new cupboards.
- Really? - lt's brand new, with the latest colours.
l really like it.
- You like it? - l get a nice vibe from this place.
- l do. l love the light actually. - (Woman) Yeah.
The colour's great, it's this season's colour.
- (Woman) We won't need to do much. - You won't have to do anything.
l like it.
Why don't l leave you to have a look round and talk to each other, OK?
- Yeah. - What do you think?
- Did you see that? - What?
lf you keep touching things, you're gonna break it.
No, l'm saying, Lucy, is it's made of paper. Look.
- Why do you have to touch everything? - What is going on here?
What is going on here? This thing's made of paper.
This is made of paper, that's made of paper!
- That's made of paper! - How's it going?
- Do you like it? - Yeah, it's really nice.
You weren't supposed to do that.
Sorry, can you explain to us, why is the microwave, the cupboards
the drawers, they're made of paper - can you explain that?
lt's this new Japanese thing that's come out. Trendy.
- (Woman) Really? - Great, isn't it?
- Japanese? - Yeah. lt's a new design.
Really?
Sorry, girls, is anyone listening to me here?
l'm saying your kitchen here is made of paper.
l know. Don't you think it looks fantastic? Well, it did before you ripped it.
What else is made of paper?
God, the taps are made of paper!
Look, look... the cupboards... are made of paper!
The whole kitchen's made of paper!
- l'm just gonna pop outside. - Oi, where you going?
Oi!
Bloody kids!
- (Kids laugh) - Come back here, you punk!
lt's made of paper!
l can't believe we nearly bought this.
Oi, it's made of paper.
- I hate the idea of being Iaughed at. - (Kid laughs)
I don't wanna be judged the moment I Ieave the house.
So, when I go for a run, I try wearing cIothes that won't provoke derision.
Blue and white tosser.
PeopIe judge us on our appearance.
Today, it's a disaster if two peopIe turn up to work wearing the same cIothes.
Oh!
For ages I used to worry that I didn't reaIIy have much dress sense -
nothing I couId put my finger on.
Then I handed a bag of my oId cIothes into a charity shop.
This Iater proved to be a mistake.
- (Man) Hey, cool! - Look, look!
Yeah, l know. l bought all this in there.
Yeah. Hilarious.
Nice one. Hilarious.
It's a fickIe worId and the Iong honeymoon is over
even for EIvis PresIeys.
- (Audience chants) Off, off! ? Everything l do
- ? That's the wo... ? - Off, off!
You've gotta move with the times. Elvis isn't big any more -
it's Billy, it's Britney,
so l think the way round it is, you start as Britney Spears on Monday.
? Well... l think l did it again
? l made you believe We're more interested... ?
So, to survive, we've got to adapt.
I know nothing about footbaII but when there's a match on,
I can now yack quite confidentIy without being found out.
Are there too many foreign players in the teams?
Hammers are OK cos they got a lot of kids coming.
Maybe they should blindfold all the foreign players.
Why would they do that?
Just to make it more interesting.
- Oh, no, come on, ref! - That was really sore.
- He's not giving a penalty, is he?
He come in from behind.
Look what he's doing now - that's one of those performances
that would get nominated for best supporting actor in the BAFTA awards.
Why don't they all do 4-4-2?
Even the Brazilian team play 4-4-2.
Cos the point is, if you've got skilful players, it doesn't matter.
They could kick it anywhere.
They're so skilful they can do all that and they can kick it anywhere,
so you can put them anywhere.
You can put them all in the middle and they'll know where to go.
So when the whistle's gone, they can all spread out.
- Some of them can hide... - No, they stick 4-4-2...
Keep it there.
- (Woman) HeIIo, TeIevision. - This is the Consecutive lRA.
There's a bomb in the Queensford Shopping Centre.
lt will go off in ten minutes. Put out a warning to evacuate the area.
This is your only warning.
Hang on a minute.
Consecutive lRA warning about a bomb in a shopping centre, ten minutes?
- lt does nothing for me. - Nothing for me neither.
(Woman) OK, ta.
Hello, l've had a word with our schedulers here
and we feel a warning about a bomb in a shopping centre
isn't what we're looking to cover at the moment.
Listen, you have got ten minutes, there's a bomb in the shopping centre.
- You have to put out a warning - (Woman) I understand the idea.
But we've just done a season on the '70s called 'Hey, lt's The '70s'.
- There was stuff about the lRA in that. - l don't think you understand.
l saw 'Hey, lt's The '70s', it's not about that...
- (Woman) It was very good. - lt was all right.
(Woman) We did cover the IRA. AIthough your idea's great,
we need something with more of a human interest feel.
- (Woman) Something a bit warmer. - A bit warmer?
There's a bomb about to go off in a shopping centre!
- (Whispers) Ant and Dec. - Yeah, Ant and Dec.
Yeah, OK, we like the shopping centre idea.
But instead of the bomb, couId we have Ant and Dec?
Ant and...? Are you taking the fucking piss out of me?
Ah, OK, yep, just hang on a minute.
- They wanna go with the bomb. - Can't we have Ant and Dec at the top?
- Film Ant and Dec and the bomb... - And just put out Ant and Dec.
- That's brilliant! - OK.
Hello, could we just put Ant and Dec in at the start?
Yeah, hold on.
They want to put Ant and Dec in at the start, make it a bit warmer, you know?
Yes.
OK, but there's only ten minutes.
Yeah, we got that, ten minutes. What's that two songs?
OK, brilliant. Ten minutes, that's working for you and for us as well.
Thanks, nice doing business with you. Bye-bye.
They're still a bit sticky but l think we've got them.
- You're so good at telly. - You're so good at television.
l'm so good at telly.
- You are good at television - We're all good at telly.
- We're all good at television. - (All) ? We're so good at telly
? We're so good at telly, we're so good at telly ?
Hello, Hugh!
l'm paranoid that l'm not keeping up with what society deems fashionable.
Do you find that, being old?
- No. - All right, come on.
Our lives are controlled by computers these days. What was it like then?
ln those days, the lnternet was in black and white.
lt was only on for three hours a day.
We used to get dressed up in our Sunday best to log onto it.
We'd log on to letsbuy.com
and order a gas mask and a pound of tripe.
When we finished with the computer we switched it off
and we'd stand up and sing the National Anthem.
How did you amuse yourselves?
Well, we used to gather round the piano and sing Peter Andre songs.
While we were singing, we'd be showing off our pecs.
My dad had a lovely six-pack.
Cheeseburgers were a penny then.
Whenever I want to stop feeIing inadequate, I think of poIe-vauIters.
Most of us don't want to be found out to be rubbish,
so we stick to things we're good at.
But poIe-vauIters, whose onIy job
is to be abIe to vauIt over a poIe, repeatedIy don't.
AImost forever, in pubIic. Their onIy job.
My name is Aiden Lavender
and my only job is to make sure none of these milk cartons is leaking.
Yes, all the milk is still inside this one.
My name is Wendy Taylor
and my only job is to make sure the right cake gets to the wedding reception.
This is the right cake.
I can't be the onIy one who's shite scared of being found out.
SureIy everyone's rubbish at something.
l mean, Frank Sinatra couldn't click his fingers.
Prince Naseem Hamed can't work a yo-yo.
Most Millwall supporters find beer a little bit too gassy.
And Robbie Williams can't go to the toilet in the sight of other men.
lt doesn't matter, we won't have a go at him about that, sort of laughing at him.
I can't kick a baII, so the Iast thing I want to be near
when I'm out running, is a footbaII match
If the baII comes out, they'II want me to kick it back in,
which is why I've trained myseIf to run
as fast as possibIe away from the game.
It was the same for Sebastian Coe.
(Players yell) Come on!
- Come on! - (Whistle blows)
Oi!
(Laughs) Kick the ball! Kick it.
Kick it. For goodness sake, kick it.
(PiIot) I see a man down there and he's trying to kick a baII and he can't.
As I try to kick a baII properIy, in front of the fit and the dying,
it dawned on me how many words we have to express contempt for others.
- Wazock! - Spanner!
- Ninny! - Klutz!
- Hinky-head! - Manger.
- Five-penny twammer. - Assheap.
- Numpty. - Village Branson.
- Fag chest. - Cock-sucking witch.
- Fairy tit-cake! - Twit!
- Prannock! - Joey!
Men are always meant to fantasise about being brilliant footballers,
but l've always fantasised about brilliant footballers being like me,
so l can enjoy turning the telly on and see David Beckham hide his face
when the ball comes towards him.
Or Kanu goes for the ball and the referee shouts
''Don't pass to him, he's rubbish.'' and Kanu starts to cry.
Or every week Everton try and get out of a match
by pretending they have tonsillitis.
- Kick the ball. - (Player yells) Give us our ball back!
Come on!
(Cheering)
l'm Tony Flanagan
and my job is to make sure no one breaks into this car showroom
and drives off with any of the vehicles.
l can't believe you've actually come back amongst us, Jesus,
and that you're here in our reception.
(Man) l have come to heal you. What ails you?
l've got terrible recurring psoriasis on my hands
which gets bad when l'm stressed.
(Man) Your psoriasis is cured.
Thank you, Lord, l'm so grateful.
Jesus, l've... l've knackered my knee.
They say l can't play rugby any more.
(Man) Your knee is now fine.
lt feels better already. Thank you.
My Lord Jesus, l have for the past two years suffered from ME,
but it's chronic fatigue...
(Man) Yeah, well, we all get tired.
- l've got a terrible hangover. - (Man) Did you badly cane it last night?
Yes, Lord.
(Man) You are now cured of your hangover.
Thanks. That'll teach me not to mix me drinks.
(Man) You have heard my words, now go forth and spread my message.
- Thank you very much. - Thank you. Thanks.
(Man) Goodbye.
Bergkamp, you've got 22 legs, use them.
There are so many foreign players now that at half time,
instead of oranges they'll have snails and tapas.
(All) United, United!
? Ay-ay-oway-oway Derby County! ?
I don't want to be caught out again saying the wrong thing,
so I'm training for a dinner party tonight with an attitudes tape.
It teIIs you aII the views you need to be interesting company
without being too provocative.
(Woman) Those new VoIkswagen BeetIes are quite good -
you'd Iike one of those.
You haven't'seen a white egg for years.
They shouId reintroduce woIves to ScotIand.
Joke - the Bank of EngIand, they think they've got a Iicence to print money.
Bacardi Breezers are too sweet for you -
they're usuaIIy drunk by teenagers.
You've got a Sky dish up - what's the probIem?
It's Iike peopIe having a go at you for having a chimney.
The Forest of Dean is a nice pIace to go.
(Armando ) I hate taking my car to the garage. I know nothing about cars.
Any time a mechanic comes out from under my car,
I feeI Iike a sIug who's handed him some Iettuce,
saying ''Cut it up for me, pIease. ''
- l can't touch it, it's got asbestos. - Of course.
- Looks like a wiring problem. - Take my money.
- That's a Daewoo for you. - HeIp me.
I acted Iike a reaI jizzhead at that party Iast night.
Why did I think it was hiIarious to hoId a meIon
and a bowI of pate up to my chest and say ''I'm a Iady. ''?
God, that guy was there. Everyone thinks he's reaIIy funny.
If he's there and I try to be funny,
I know it'II just come out Iike I've got a broken washer.
- lt's a Visa card. - Nice car.
- Thanks. l know nothing about cars. - That's what we're here for.
There's a problem with your card - it says you're a twat.
What do you mean? l'm not a twat, l can assure you.
- lt says it here. He's a twat. - What's the problem?
He's a twat.
lt's never come up with ''he's a twat'' before.
- Look on the list. - Yeah, check the list.
- A list of twats in the area. - Thank you.
- There he is, look! - There, mate, that's you.
l realise that's me but l can assure you, l'm not a twat. Who compiles the list?
We do... you twat.
On what criteria do you decide l'm a twat?
Look, mate, you're in the book, you're on the machine, you're a twat.
Could you phone the card company...
Take your twatty card and let us get on with our fucking job!
All right, l will. l'll take my twatty card and go back to my twatty wife,
and you'll be hearing from my twatty lawyers.
Twat!
A bit worried about my new cIothes. I wonder if they make me Iook gay.
Look, it's you. What you doing here? Twat!
Here, look! Oi, twat!
I'm not a twat. Other peopIe are.
Those peopIe at weddings who are served champagne
but say ''It's sparkIing wine, actuaIIy''- they're twats.
That man there, he's the sort who says,
''Cheer up, it might never happen''- Twat!
PeopIe who ring up Radio Five to argue with Nicky CampbeII - twats!
That man on the regionaI news -
every year he writes a song for Princess Anne's birthday -
he's been doing it for 1 6 years.
? This is a day they cannot spoil
? The birthing day of the Princess Royal
? So let's celebrate the living span of our lovely Annie Anne ?
He was the biggest twat.
My name is Stanley Pugash and my only job
is to see that any shark fitted into the wing of an aeroplane is securely fitted.
Yes, it's firmly secured.
l teach my clients to have confidence in themselves,
to take control of their life and circumstances.
The only way l can do this, l suppose, is to be a shining exponent of it myself.
So, really, my only job is to be prepared for whatever...
lt's easier to organise a round robin than to be a round robin.
(Laughter)
- Armando's here, everybody. - Hi, sorry l'm late.
Welcome.
Hi. l know you, l know you, yes.
- You must be the missing link. - l, l'm shaking his hand, yes.
l'm sorry l was late.
Going back to the Europe thing -
isn't it inevitable that we end up joining the Euro?
lt is inevitable. People are so suspicious, aren't they?
That's the stupid thing. lt's like the justice system -
we assume it'll be worse abroad than it is here.
Bring back our plucky paedophiles.
You know, from the Philippines, because we always assume that British people,
if they're convicted abroad, they're actually innocent.
- But this is Europe, so... - l know.
l was just making the paedophile link.
- l don't know... - Like the missing link thing.
Yeah, l was kind of thinking more about Geoffrey Boycott.
He went to France twice to try and clear his name.
- And he lost both times. - That's so British, isn't it?
lt's not the winning that counts, it's the taking part.
(Laughter)
And if you want to sort the law and order thing out,
- Ha ha! Very funny. - Thank you.
lf you want to sort the law and order thing out,
make Mad Frankie Fraser mayor of London.
(Laughter)
He'd sort the law and order thing out. He'd have a referendum
and ask the public, ''Are you in favour of law or order?''
(Laughter)
Just to sort of to pull right back to the Europe thing,
because the whole Europe thing,
it's not so much like two bald men fighting over a comb,
it's more like 1 5 bald men fighting over a honeycomb.
You know, like bees buzzing and wasps.
The European parliament looks like a honeycomb.
- (Man) Does it? - Yeah.
Oh no, it's the German one, sorry, the German parliament!
- The Reichstag. - lt looks like a honeycomb.
You had the Wrongstag.
- (Laughter) - Do you want a drink, Armando?
Yeah, can l have a low alcoholic lager please?
Be careful or you'll end up in low alcoholics anonymous.
(Laughter)
- Ta-da! - (All) Ooh!
You are incredible! Did you make those?
l did, and do you know what? l even made the pastry.
Oh, superb!
- Are you the puff daddy? - (Laughs) Puff mummy, actually.
- (Laughter) - We'll all look like pies after this.
- No, they're not fattening. - No, l know.
l feel l should be sitting in a corner, with my thumb stuck in the pie.
- (Laughter) - Like, er...dykes.
The Dutch sticking their thumbs in dykes.
No? Stick their thumbs in dyke holes?
Oh no, sorry, you're thinking of Tom Thumb.
- Jack Horner. - Oh, Jack, Jock, Jack...
Corner, Horner. Horner Corner. lt's the horny corner.
- (Man) Excellent. - Bon appetit!
So, Tim, you holiday in Europe, don't you?
Er, l quite like it.
(Woman) We're off to Washington.
Are you not worried about the violence?
Crime rates are sky-high in Washington.
(Woman) They say there are more guns there than people now, don't they?
But...apparently, there used to be more people.
(Laughter)
l think it's worth it just for the art collections
because some of them are absolutely superb.
l'm not so sure about art myself.
90% of it is all right, nothing special.
l suppose most of it is fine, that's why they call it fine art.
(Laughter)
But l prefer science myself.
- You know Steven Hawking? - That's my pie.
- Sorry? - That's my pie.
- You've got a pie over there. - Tim, all the pies are the same.
- Give me my pie back. - That's my pie.
- lt's my pie. - Get off me!
- You've got my pie, you fanny! - That's rubbish as witty, that is.
- Please, just calm down, come on. - Stop it!
That's enough. Just give him his pie. Let him have it, for goodness sake.
- He's got my pie now. - Thank you.
Anyway, what were you saying about Steven Hawking?
Was Steven always known as the black hole of his family?
(Laughter)
He's reading from the pie.
- lt's all in the pie. - Don't be silly.
There's stuff in the pie, there'll be stuff in the potatoes.
Hey!
There's nothing in the potatoes, it's all in the pie.
Then the pie was opened and Armando began to sing.
- (Laughter) - Forget it!
lf it wasn't for that stuff, all the stuff he'd be saying would be jobbies.
I stiII suspected that everyone apart from me
was being heIped by more than pies.
- I went back to the garage. - Craphead.
I'd aIways wondered why mechanics had to trundIe underneath your car
before they couId speak to you.
- What's wrong with my car? - Hold on a minute.
- lt's your starter solenoid, it's gone. - ls it? Let's have a look.
- Don't go under there. - Don't go under there.
What's this? What's that?
- Stop him, he's gonna hit the buttons. - Oi, oi!
It's aII written for them on the chassis.
What's wrong with my car?
lt's got a leak, but you can patch it up if you find the right size jubilee clip.
Tossers.
I'd aIways wondered why my friends had wires coming out of their ears.
I determined to get to the bottom of their knowIedge of footbaII.
In every pub ceIIar, experts are teIIing bIokes what to say.
You might wanna try Gary Neville. And Phil Neville.
They've got Lou Macari's mobiIe phone number.
(Cheering)
Oh!
What's the latest? What's happening?
lt's one, something, isn't it?
For whom?
Arsenal, England. One of the two.
Figo, do you think he's overpriced?
Er... What's Figo?
Oh, it's washing stuff.
They paid £1 ,000 for him.
- A thousand quid, wow! - For a footballer?
- God, that's a lot of money. - And they can keep him?
70, please.
I'm happy now, now I know we're aII the same.
We're all twats!