1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:03,274 That could take forever, sergeant. 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,193 The murderer's on the other side of the county by now. 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,511 Wrong. l think the killer's in this room. 4 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,592 - Oh, come off it! - You confused sod. 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,479 l've examined this conference centre 6 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,552 and an intruder couldn't gain entry from the outside. 7 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:23,077 So, it has to be someone on the inside. 8 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:28,951 Someone Dr King would regard as harmless. 9 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,076 Quick, the standard lamp's legging it! Oi, you, get back here! 10 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,390 - Michael! - Quick, he's getting away. 11 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,791 - Try and cut it off. - (Woman yells) Run, Michael! 12 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,876 Damn! Standard lamps know how to drive cars. 13 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,319 (Siren wails) 14 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:02,392 (Crashing) 15 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,280 (Siren wails) 16 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,159 Right, out of the car, you're coming with us. 17 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,834 Get out of the car, don't mess me about! 18 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:17,074 (Yells) Michael! Michael, no, no! 19 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,356 Oh, Michael! 20 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,717 (Sobs) Oh! 21 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,955 Why would a standard lamp want to commit homicide? 22 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,996 That's just stupid. 23 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,873 OK, break him up for firewood. 24 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,869 You know, our imagination is a fantastic thing. 25 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,318 Using your imagination you can come up with any image you like in your head! 26 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:49,473 You can imagine a great big fat cheese aerial. 27 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,792 A pasta scarf, a spoon as head of Channel Four, 28 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,190 a monk in the shape of an apple. 29 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,557 You can imagine all the world's sausage dogs getting together 30 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,030 to recreate a very, very low Great Wall of China. 31 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:07,239 Or you can imagine the cast of Cats being shot at dawn. Just imagine. 32 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,755 - (Man) 'Fire!' - (Gunfire ) 33 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,390 (Gunfire ) 34 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,120 It's because we can do aII this and animaIs can't, 35 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,271 that makes us better than animaIs. 36 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:28,069 That's why I come down to the zoo once a day to Iaugh at the animaIs... 37 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:29,992 Tosser. 38 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,435 ...and taunt them with things that show 39 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,556 how inadequate they are compared to us. 40 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,235 Look. lt's a pen that writes in ten different colours. 41 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,836 You can't even write. l mastered this when l was three. 42 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,116 Just Iook at these birds 43 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:47,511 struggIing with some straightforward books by Germaine Greer 44 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,353 and not knowing what to do with a cIarinet. 45 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:54,115 lt's our imagination that distinguishes us from the animals. 46 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,158 lt allows us to come up with amazingly complex things 47 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,675 like Dundee or Shirley Bassey. 48 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:04,436 The most complex thing an animal can do is chomp or get run over. 49 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,352 lsn't that right? 50 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,115 That's why if you put Shirley Bassey in front of us and some animals, 51 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,953 we would applaud her and give her singing contracts, 52 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,430 whereas animals would just use her as somewhere to piss. 53 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,268 (Phone rings) 54 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,193 - Hello, Television. - We need to beef up the schedules. 55 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,033 How did ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'' do last night? 56 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,431 - 1 7 million. - What about the making of it? 57 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,158 21 million. 58 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,835 What if we cancelled ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'' 59 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,355 and put out an entire season 60 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,193 of ''The Making Of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire''? 61 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,989 - (Woman) Yeah! - Very good! 62 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:46,597 Hang on, though. The making of all of it, or the making of the best bits? 63 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,035 - (Man) l like that. - What are the best bits? 64 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:53,239 When Chris Tarrant takes the cheque saying, ''We don't want to give you that!'' 65 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,958 That's funny. 66 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,680 What if we cancel ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'' 67 00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,592 and put out a series... 68 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,716 (Man) l know what you're gonna say. 69 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,348 ''The Making Of The Bit Where Chris Tarrant Goes 70 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,476 '''We Don't Want To Give You That.''' 71 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,838 - You are so good at television. - We're all good at television. 72 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,117 ? We're good at teIevision We're so good at teIevision 73 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,510 ? We're so good at teIevision You're so good ? 74 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,830 We are so good at television. 75 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:25,317 (Woman) 'Now, on BBC One, live urine sampling from lnnsbruck.' 76 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,029 Maybe we're letting our standards fall without us noticing. 77 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:34,069 l say that because last month l made a gardening programme, which is fine, 78 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:38,199 but l remember thinking ''Let's try not to make this too dry. 79 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:42,035 ''Let's broaden the appeal'' Now l just think ''What on earth was l doing?'' 80 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,557 Hi, l'm in the Channel Four garden for some Swearing On The Lawn, 81 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,632 where we show you how to plant and grow 82 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,109 'floral arrangements shaped like swear words. 83 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:56,637 'To show us how to do that, we've got our profane gardener, Peter, here.' 84 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,756 What's the first profanity you've got? 85 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,117 - Balls. - Balls. Let's have a look at those. 86 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,795 'We've put this on a stand, hanging, white nicotiana and petunias...' 87 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,077 l can remember we all thought ''Yeah, it's all right.'' 88 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,708 - 'What have we got here?' - 'Shit on a glass.' 89 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:16,078 - This is quite a big one. - 'l planted these, last week of April.' 90 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,708 - 'And what have you got here?' - 'Piss flaps.' 91 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,873 (Armando ) 'What have you done with it?' (Peter) 'l used the French marigold.' 92 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,669 'And this, in the first S of piss, what have you used there?' 93 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,877 Oh, that's an interesting little plant, it's a campanula 94 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,793 with the sepal and the petal being both coloured. 95 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:37,112 'That's all for this week. We'll leave you with this week's swearing in cress.' 96 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,313 - (Doorbell) - Hello, Hugh! 97 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,711 l was worrying whether l'm becoming one of those dullards 98 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,519 who cack on about things being better in the old days. 99 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,636 - Got anything to add, being old? - No. 100 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,598 Hugh, how did you amuse yourself in those days? 101 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,911 We didn't have hundreds of television channels in those days. 102 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:04,198 We had to make our own entertainment from the basic Sky package. 103 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,316 No one every watched Sky News. 104 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,074 Those were the days when we still had Rumbelows. 105 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,710 - Was there much entertainment? - The music was different then. 106 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,236 Mike Oldfield had just brought out Tubular Bells 4. 107 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,392 He said he did it to get away from the Tubular Bells 3 thing, 108 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,199 that'd been hanging over him like an albatross. 109 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,598 Last night I went to the opera, to reassure myseIf 110 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,638 that we can stiII come up with something more sophisticated 111 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,677 than Mike OIdfieId. 112 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:34,435 I was at the RoyaI Opera's new production of Ibiza Uncovered. 113 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,558 ? l'm going to shag the rep 114 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:42,350 ? l'm going to have him on the beach by Thursday 115 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:47,958 ?' l think there are more Australians here this year 116 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:53,148 ? God, l haven't slept for three days but l don't care 117 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:57,393 ? The club's now charging 30 pounds admission 118 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:04,471 ? Do they still have the sex show at Manumission? 119 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:09,350 ? No, but Paul Oakenfold's on the decks 120 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,670 ? Oakey's on the decks 121 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,429 ? Oakey, Oakey, Oakey... ? 122 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,989 As the baritones Iit their farts, 123 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,515 I wondered what was wrong with our imagination. 124 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,150 Had we reached the stage where we accepted aImost anything as art? 125 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,834 Now, while the bride and groom sign the register, 126 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,231 there'll be a short demonstration of skateboarding skills. 127 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:38,278 - Oh, that is lovely. Look at that. - That is really good. 128 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,670 Oh, yeah, go on! 129 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:44,958 Oh, nearly! Nearly, that's very nice. 130 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,236 - There you go, mate. - Lovely. 131 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:53,679 As you we can see, it looks like a naked man bending over doing the washing up. 132 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,398 (Applause ) 133 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,516 By now I was scared, 134 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,719 so to convince myseIf I couId do better, I wrote two poems 135 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,155 which I tried out at a IocaI art centre. 136 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,995 ''As she grimly walked away, 'l'm leaving you' she said 137 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,039 ''and l had nothing new to say, like the second album by Portishead. 138 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,116 ''Girlfriend in a coma with a face like Hana Mandlikova 139 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,556 ''whenever she served to stay in the match, oh, yeah.'' 140 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,280 The poems were shit. 141 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,718 One for Simon Schama's talk on the lncredible Hulk's Underpants please. 142 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,155 Five pounds please. 143 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,276 At the art centre, I can see everything, 144 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,035 from an exhibition of squid Iaid out in the shape of Geri HaIIiweII, 145 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,998 to a puppet show about the Moroccan post office. 146 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,914 Here I can ceIebrate the fact that everything is art. 147 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,231 This chair is art, since it's an exampIe of design. 148 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:52,234 Design is stuff with curves in, Iike this designer stretcher. 149 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,630 (Screaming) Argh! 150 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,997 lt's interesting that anyone who calls themselves an artist 151 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,355 is allowed to be very precious. 152 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:04,877 lt's not as if we let butchers storm out of their shops 153 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,996 because the lighting isn't right, 154 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,594 So they can go off whoring with other butchers 155 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:13,799 and come back at two in the morning, drunk but inspired, 156 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,315 and start to chop brilliantly. 157 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,956 - (Phone rings) - Pentagon, lncident Control. 158 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,918 (Man) 'This is Derek Attlee, the British playwright.' 159 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,470 Commander, l have a British playwright on the line. 160 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,431 Put him on speaker. 161 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,398 This is the US Military Command, what do you want? 162 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:35,030 (Atlee ) 'l've written a play. lt says some pretty intense things.' 163 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,758 lntense? 164 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,639 (Atlee ) 'lt'll shake people up. Question everything.' 165 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,360 - What do you mean by everything? - (Atlee ) 'Everything. 166 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,353 'From the top to the bottom. Everything.' 167 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,038 l see. 168 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,156 (Atlee ) 'l'm gonna put it on upstairs 169 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,471 'at the Hen and Chickens Pub, lslington, North London...' 170 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,278 Got it. 171 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,954 '...unless you give me three million dollars.' 172 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,997 - Hold on. - He's bluffing. 173 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,515 But he said it was gonna question everything. 174 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,831 - We can't give in to these people. - We can't take the risk. 175 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,709 All right. We're gonna fly into the Hen and Chickens. You'll get your money. 176 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,030 - What time does it start? - (Atlee ) '7:30.' 177 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,555 That's tight for us. Can you make it later? 178 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:19,430 (Atlee ) 'No. We're sharing the space with a production of School For Scandal. 179 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:25,152 'lt starts at 1 1 :00. We have to be out by 9:00. lt's tight. We can't go any later.' 180 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,276 All right, we'll be there. 181 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,916 (Atlee ) Bring the lights up quicker 182 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:46,313 because it's just done in that moment. l want you, snap, straight up. 183 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,118 When Mary says... 184 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,876 - So, this is the Hen and Chickens. - Yeah. lt's a good space. 185 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,555 - Have you cancelled tonight's show? - Er...no. 186 00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,235 Contractual reasons - they could sue me, we've sold a lot of tickets. 187 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:04,188 - l've changed the script, it'll be cool. - What's your play about? 188 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:08,319 A family coming to terms with their butler's autism. 189 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:13,349 - ls this autism some kind of metaphor? - l don't know. 190 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,080 - Will it be a metaphor tonight? - No. 191 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,913 Glad to hear it. 192 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,230 (Woman) Alex, your butler's autistic. 193 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,153 - (Man) What's that to do with you? - (Woman) Nothing. 194 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,153 (Woman) Listen to you, you're like a small talking mirror 195 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,276 or a speaking magnet. 196 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,318 - (Audience laughs) - This play is really terrible. 197 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,631 - l know. - l mean, really bad. 198 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,837 Yeah. l think we're safe. 199 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,275 (Man #1 ) What are you doing with all that milk? 200 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:45,274 (Man #2 ) l'm making butter to see if it'll melt in your mouth. 201 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:50,719 And later, l'll be showing you how to plant jizzflakes. 202 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,590 l've reached a dead end. 203 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,832 l've been searching for happiness, love and the perfect man 204 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,150 and l'm not gonna find it. 205 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,791 l'm never gonna find someone who understands what's going on in my head. 206 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,793 - Which is why you feel suicidal. - Yeah, exactly. 207 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,474 - So what are you gonna do? - l'm gonna do it. 208 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,519 - l'm gonna leave a note, that's decided. - l see. 209 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,831 l wanna leave something that will make them sit up and listen. 210 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,956 - Something more than... - Noise. 211 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,793 - Yeah, noise. - Too much noise in this world. 212 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,678 Yeah, there is. 213 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,991 - Shall l show you what we've got? - Yeah! 214 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,993 - This is the engine room, welcome. - Thank you. 215 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,675 l fed a draft of your suicide note into the system, 216 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,796 to show you what we can do with it. 217 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,190 This is Steve. This is Louisa. 218 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,033 - Hello, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 219 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,590 l passed your note round the office and got everyone to chip in. 220 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,751 Let me show you what we've come up with. 221 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,435 Just to start, this part about mother and no excuses, 222 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:01,593 l thought we could justify this to the right like that. 223 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,799 That sort of emphasises how marginalised you've come to feel. 224 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,599 Oh, that's good. 225 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,673 ''Along the way l lost myself'' - there it goes. 226 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,796 (Laughter) 227 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,714 This part about the cheapest burial with no friends from school - 228 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,440 l thought we could adjust the kerning on that. 229 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,637 - What's kerning? - lt's the space between the letters. 230 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,950 - Here we go. - lt's gone tight. 231 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,112 Sort of knotting up inside your head, the tension. 232 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,033 That's really good, cos it does feel like that. 233 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:38,228 This part about Steve not being worth that amount of pain. Whoa! 234 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,710 He will hate that so much. That's brilliant. l love it. 235 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,950 Excellent, that just leaves the final bit. 236 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,079 This part, if you wanted to e-mail it to your friends and family, 237 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,879 we thought we could introduce... animation. 238 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,996 Oh, my God, l so love it! 239 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,720 You are gonna blow them away with that. 240 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,189 We'll press on with this 241 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:02,114 and we should have that ready next week if you're planning to do it then. 242 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,396 l wasn't planning to do it so soon. 243 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,757 But best to have some idea about the time. 244 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,876 lt's up to you, it's your funeral. 245 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,952 l would stay away from Christmas and Valentine's Day. 246 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,396 - You'll get drowned out. - Good idea. l'll wait till after that. 247 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,438 But if you do get suddenly anxious, here's my card. 248 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,956 lt's got my direct line. We can speed things up for you. 249 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,076 - That's really kind. - No problem. 250 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,151 - Thanks Louisa. - Thank you. 251 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,675 - Tell all your mates. - l will tell everybody. 252 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,910 - l'll see you in the new year. - Bye. 253 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:37,150 Back at the zoo, I was finding it more difficuIt to taunt the animaIs 254 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,312 with things that made them Iook inadequate. 255 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,836 I'd start with stained gIass and take if from there. 256 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,956 But once I'd reached the CharIeston, 257 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,270 I began to run out of anything quite good. 258 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,000 (Fish hums tune to ''Don't worry, be happy'') 259 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:55,711 This was because the onIy stuff I can actuaIIy buy now is baIIs and cIubs 260 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,634 from the hundreds of massive goIf saIes that are opening up around me. 261 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,792 The golf sales have really taken off round here 262 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,520 which is tremendous if you're a golf enthusiast. 263 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,274 But it does mean that for a 25-mile radius, 264 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,954 there is nowhere to buy food. 265 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,912 This deputy headmaster hasn't eaten for eight days. 266 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,435 Within an hour he wiII be dead. 267 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,434 MeanwhiIe, the board of management at HewIett Packard 268 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,672 are forced to scavenge paperweights for water. 269 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,915 From the decline in our number of management consultancy contracts, 270 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:38,595 l've done a projection that shows we'll be out of business in ten days. 271 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,593 That doesn't give us much time to turn it around. 272 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:45,150 l can't believe in three years we've gone from being the biggest 273 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,276 to being the smallest in the country. 274 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,194 Let's do what we're good at - let's look through the problem. 275 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,477 - What do other companies do? - Bring in management consultants. 276 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,675 - Do it. - Who do we get? 277 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,355 The one that replaced us as the biggest in the country. 278 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,475 Norbrand? 279 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,473 Norbrand's rule is simple - give it to your clients straight. 280 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,153 What's our problem? 281 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,515 You're spending too much on management consultancy. 282 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,511 - How much are we paying you? - £300,000. 283 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,638 - We can't afford that. - Get rid of some consultants then. 284 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,394 Who'll do the consultancy work? 285 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,232 - Elephants - Elephants? 286 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,996 Yes, Captain Spazz from the land of Spazz - three lndian elephants. 287 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,993 People don't realise what elephants can be trained to do. 288 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,391 The three lndian elephants can be used to do menial tasks 289 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,120 such as delivering internal mail and moving photocopiers. 290 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,555 Yes and three great big lndian elephants 291 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:38,077 require 70 kilos of vegetables a day and 40 pounds a day for their riders. 292 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,152 You'll save so much on salaries and canteen facilities, 293 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,039 you'll have money pouring out of your ears and arse. 294 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,589 - lt's a bit radical. - You wanted our advice. 295 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,754 Will you take it or spend your days alone laughing at your balls in the bath? 296 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,876 We're on the way to becoming 297 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,395 the largest management consultancy in Europe 298 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,711 once we work on the complete rewiring of British Airways. See? 299 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:03,668 - Should we order in some coffee? - Yes. Can you move the model please? 300 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,196 Can we have coffee and biscuits for eight management consultants. 301 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,238 - (Speaks lndian) - (Elephant trumpets) 302 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,597 People have noticed how good we are as management consultants, 303 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:19,039 so we expect an increase in profits - £50,000 to be spent reinforcing floors 304 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:24,115 and £750 to widen the lift shafts. Pete? 305 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:28,512 (Man) l had a word with the boys, they've got it down to £600. 306 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:33,390 - lgnore him. Everyone happy with that? - Let's check on teas and coffees. 307 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,516 - Tea, please. -Coffee with creamer. 308 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,398 - Two coffees and a tea. - lgnore the elephant. What? 309 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,393 l've got some memos for you to look at. 310 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,391 You'll get it in a minute. 311 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,358 - The elephant's only got one trunk. - He's eating the plants. 312 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:53,356 For God sake, you're the most pathetic bunch l've ever come across. 313 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:58,799 - He's crushing British Airways. - (Consultant) l've had enough. 314 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,678 lgnore the elephant. 315 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,150 You look like you've never seen an elephant before in a boardroom 316 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:09,679 Ours is a sophisticated society, aIways on the move. 317 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,071 The peopIe who make things have cIosed their shops 318 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,789 and gone to seek their fortune in caII centres, 319 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,111 where chiIdren can ring for advice on how to pIay. 320 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,795 l've put my robot in a small tree. What should l do now? 321 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,669 How about, the robot headquarters have sent out a helicopter. 322 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,798 - Then the helicopter can go ''whoo!'' - (Boy) OK, bye. 323 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,316 AIthough there's no shops, we're making more fiIms than ever before 324 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,313 and such is HoIIywood's demand for new story ideas, 325 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,950 it's now common to see kids in the street earning quick money 326 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:45,193 by ringing HoIIywood up and seIIing the movie rights to incidents in their Iives. 327 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:50,229 - (Man) 'Hello, MGM Stories.' - Hello. A strange guy just walked past. 328 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,356 (Man) 'Yeah, ten dollars.' 329 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,796 ln my house, l found a hockey stick in my cupboard. 330 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,111 - (Man) 'Hockey stick? Four dollars.' - ls that all? 331 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,032 Somebody pissed in a lift today. 332 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,873 (Man) 'We've had five people ring up with that today.' 333 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,430 Shit! Did you buy it from my mum? 334 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,634 l heard some scuttling in my loft the other day. 335 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,552 - Oh no? - Yeah, yeah. 336 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:16,474 Anyway, l called the man round from the pest control, 337 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:21,794 and he said ''l'm sorry to tell you this, but l'm afraid you've got Wombles.'' 338 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,518 Right. 339 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,478 Yeah. l said, ''How can you tell l've got Wombles?'' 340 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:31,236 He said, ''Have you noticed your house is a bit tidier than usual?'' 341 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,871 And he was right. He laid down some traps and poison 342 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,510 and in the middle of the night l heard this crunching sound 343 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:45,038 and l went downstairs and l found Madame Cholet 344 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,350 in a trap, juddering. 345 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,832 lt's a terrible sight, really. l felt a little bit sorry for her, to be honest. 346 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,151 He managed to trace the Wombles to their source, 347 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,232 which was actually behind the wall, yeah? 348 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:03,235 And in the cavity between the two walls was Bernard Cribbins doing the voices. 349 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,119 So we killed him, cos otherwise he breeds 350 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,477 and we'd end up with 64 Bernard Cribbinses. 351 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,200 lt's nothing personal against Bernard Cribbins, 352 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,989 but his place is out there in the wild, you know, not in my house, 353 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,912 using up all the crockery. 354 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:22,153 (Barber) Oh, the bloody power's gone. (Armando ) What, a power cut? 355 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,276 (Barber) No, all the power's used up 356 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,398 cos they turned all the power stations into art galleries. 357 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,154 (Armando ) ls that good or bad? (Barber) lt depends. 358 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,915 On the plus side, people get to see art which is good for the soul. 359 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,038 But you can't see the paintings cos there's no electricity. 360 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,998 By ten o'cIock this morning there was no eIectricity or food Ieft in Britain, 361 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,357 so I went to a goIf saIe. 362 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,035 I thought I couId buy two putters to rub together to make fire. 363 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,034 What I didn't think was that the goIf saIe wouId be run by badgers. 364 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,838 Up and down the country, badgers have been gatherings stuff 365 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:06,437 Iost on goIf courses and Iearning how to seII it off. 366 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,397 We took our eye off the evoIving 367 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,949 and the animaIs decided to catch us up 368 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,192 and it dawned on me that aII the time I've taunted them, 369 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,796 they've been Iistening and finding it quite usefuI. 370 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,672 Hello, you're through to Call Centre Action Man. 371 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,871 l don't go out now. l've eaten all my CDs. 372 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,316 Yesterday, l ate all of Lenny Kravitz. 373 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,552 l've eaten my books, apart from one, 374 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,871 which is the novelisation of Ghostbusters. 375 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,996 l'm gonna hold onto that one. 376 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,755 l'm sorry if everything l've said this week appears to be a pack of lies. 377 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,230 All l can say is, ''What's wrong with lying?'' 378 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:04,235 As kids, we're force-fed lies about Father Christmas and elves. 379 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,949 l was told lies about how if l went to my local parish priest's house 380 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,554 l could see his magic train. 381 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,951 And then, when we get older, we go sleepwalking into dementia 382 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,270 and think a wall is our sister. 383 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,750 All l've been trying to do is make the middle bit of our lives 384 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,596 more consistent with either end. That's all. 385 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:29,239 (Girl) Look! The lion's jumping all over the pigs and they're screaming 386 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,994 and they've taken off all their trousers! 387 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,436 - (Children laugh) - They're a bit rude, aren't they? 388 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,830 Hey, look at the witch and the lion. 389 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,709 The witch is jumping on the lion and the lion's rocketing everywhere. 390 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,597 Let's go over to the big frog. Guess what we're having for tea? 391 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,479 - What? - Wolfburgers. 392 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,075 - Don't tell anyone about this. - Right. 393 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,800 - Do you promise? -Yeah. 394 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,349 Now, go back. 395 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,550 l'll get the lion to eat you. 396 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,156 l'll sweep the leaves, then you can give them to the lion. 397 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,475 ? Wazaa! 398 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,070 ? Wazaa! 399 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,277 ? Why aren't you joining in? 400 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,194 ? You're not still doing that, are you? 401 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,476 ? Wazaa! 402 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:34,909 ? l first came here in '92 What about you? 403 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,832 ? l came in '94 404 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,355 - ? '92 - ? '94 405 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:45,037 ? This place peaked around 1 997, '98 406 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,839 (Both) ? 1 997, '98 407 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:53,836 ? 97 98, 97 98, 97 98 408 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,956 (Both) ? Wazaa! 409 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,759 ? Wazaa! 410 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,708 ? (Woman) l can run faster than you when wearing flip-flops 411 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:07,319 ? Take your top off and show everyone your tits 412 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,836 ? Tits, tits, tits 413 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,515 ? Tits, tits tits, tits, tits, tits, tits! ?