1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,191 - Hurry up, son. lt's about to leave. - OK. 2 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,236 (Whistle blows) 3 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,516 (Brakes screech) 4 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,788 (Man) 'We'd like to apologise to customers for the delay. 5 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,197 'This is due to the track going up some steps.' 6 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:31,033 (Armando ) I'm constantIy aware of the passing of time. 7 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,875 From the moment I get up, I can feeI the day start to sIip away/ 8 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:39,272 I want to pack more into it Iike go-ahead fataIIy iII peopIe 9 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,149 who go on a time management course for the dying. ' 10 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:47,472 ltemise the things you want to do in those last three weeks. 11 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:52,111 Those of you with two weeks left may wish to make priority lists. 12 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:55,113 We aII have to cope with time passing. 13 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,989 This pearIy king thinks he can cope, but he can't. 14 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,197 He is Danny Chivers and he's been sacked 15 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,557 because his work can be done by a computer. 16 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,633 Danny went home and screamed into a big tub of buttons. 17 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:14,430 This puppeteer has changed with the times. He's Keith MidgeIey. 18 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,910 l'm gonna put out your fire! Ha ha ha! 19 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,038 When his act was dying on its fIuffy arse 20 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,431 he found he couId earn a fortune doing this. 21 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,319 l need to cool down! 22 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,948 (Cheering) 23 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,915 (Chanting) Off! Off! Off! 24 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,071 (Screaming) 25 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,993 ? Spy on me, baby, use satellite 26 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,310 ? lnfrared to see me... ? 27 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,630 (Chanting) Strip! Strip! Strip! 28 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:53,918 ? Aim, gonna fire, shoot me right 29 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,516 ? l'm gonna like the way you fight You know what you are 30 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,992 ? Sex bomb, sex bomb You're a sex bomb... ? 31 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,239 ''Do you perform scientific experiments on animals for a living? 32 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,678 ''lf not, please disregard this letter bomb.'' 33 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,116 Why do l waste time reading all my junk mail? 34 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,271 ''Learn to speak Tarzan. 35 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:21,479 ''Have you ever wanted to speak like the Lord of the Jungle? 36 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,710 ''Now is um heap big chance.'' 37 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,919 l do it every morning, even though l know it makes me late. 38 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:34,193 ''Dear Householder, are you a recently housed asylum seeker just moved in? 39 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:38,478 ''lf so, please accept this turd through your letter box. 40 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,598 ''lf not, then our apologies for the turd.'' 41 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,988 Right, this is all going in the bin. 42 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,116 Get rid of this. 43 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,669 l now have lost a lot of the day. 44 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,799 l've concluded that the only good thing about seeing time passing 45 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,748 is we can watch Margaret Thatcher get closer to death. 46 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,876 (Bang) 47 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,156 This is gonna take for ever. 48 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,756 There isn't enough time to get everything done, 49 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:15,118 so every night Rupert Murdoch gets in and says, ''Shite! Didn't ring China!'' 50 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:20,877 Or Radiohead delay a new album because they want to read Harry Potter. 51 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:25,511 There isn't time to stop and marveI at things happening right now. 52 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:30,310 Now some medicaI notes are being mixed up, a showroom seIIs a Vectra. 53 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,948 A dog bitch gives birth in Stenhousemuir, 54 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,190 groomed men go out on the shag. 55 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,590 Derby County seek a new manager, 56 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:42,151 'a super teacher feeIs sick, Denise Van Outen steps on a Iandmine. 57 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,711 HaIf a teen band take cocaine, a spy Ieaves his Iaptop in the pub, 58 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,634 'Rod Stewart wonders if he'II ever catch a bus again. 59 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,155 'Diane Abbott trips on a pen, 60 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,278 MichaeI Schumacher is disappointed by the post. 61 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,911 A man ignores feng shui and buys a Dennis the Menace duvet cover, 62 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:05,631 someone has got the ThunderbaII, AIan Sugar opens his mouth to speak. 63 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,749 Buitoni come up with a new shape of pasta, Meat Loaf fIies into Gatwick... 64 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:19,472 'A week ago, my wife's doctor said that she's only got 34 years to live. 65 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,315 'So we've obviously had to think things through. 66 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,597 'l've packed the job in to look after her. 67 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,878 'We're gonna just spend the time we've got left doing the things we want to do. 68 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,838 'So we're going off to live in Disneyland.' 69 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,434 (Doorbell rings) 70 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,309 - Hello. - Hello. l'm from the Sunday Observer. 71 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,835 l gather you bought today's copy? 72 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,956 Yes, l take the Observer. 73 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:51,113 l'm not interested in what you fucking take, love! Have you read it? 74 00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:54,556 - Yes, l read it this morning. - Let's have a look then! 75 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,676 What are you doing? 76 00:05:56,840 --> 00:06:02,358 What's this? Oh, look! lt's the Business Section, looking distinctly unread! 77 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,239 - l don't read it. - You fucking should! 78 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,631 - What's going on? - You haven't read any of them! 79 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,679 - l've read most of them. - Let's have a little exam then. 80 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:18,836 Sit down. Tell me, what do they say in today's paper is the best region of ltaly? 81 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,198 - Tuscany! Why? - l don't know. 82 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,396 Because of the fucking food! 83 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:30,509 What does Susannah Clapp say about Simon Russell Beale's ''Hamlet''? 84 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,910 l don't know, but l have seen it. 85 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,629 l don't care if you've seen the arse-wiping play! 86 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,030 What did Susannah Clapp say about it? 87 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,758 l don't know. 88 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,798 She says, ''Beale makes every line sing 89 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,269 ''and every line his own.'' What does she say? 90 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,796 He makes every line sing and every line his own. 91 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:54,988 Good. Have you read what Germaine Greer said about the art of delegation? 92 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,118 - No. - You fucking should, you soppy tart! 93 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,271 You'll get your arms ripped out 94 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,955 if you don't read every section of that Sunday Observer! 95 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,351 lf you don't, babe, l'm gonna be watching you. 96 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,990 l don't care where you go. You can fuck off to Tibet 97 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:16,518 and l shall have men, nutters from Parkhurst, dressed in yeti suits, 98 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:21,754 up Everest with meat cleavers, ready to chop your tarty fucking legs off! 99 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,753 You know what l'm saying to you? Right... 100 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,430 There's the Business Section. 101 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,115 There's an interesting article about the NASDAQ. Read it! 102 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:38,199 Hello, Hugh! l'm trying to avoid being ravaged by time's withered claw. 103 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,510 - ls it the same for you, being old? - Yeah. 104 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:44,116 l suppose life was very different in the old days. 105 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:48,068 lt was very different. We never had sushi. 106 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,196 l mean, we had to improvise. 107 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:54,399 We'd go to the fish shop and say, ''Don't bother frying it.'' 108 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,916 Or my mother would make sushi out of corned beef. 109 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,038 Was it exciting when new things came along? 110 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:05,751 Well, l certainly remember the first set of ''Star Wars'' films 111 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,275 long before ''Phantom Menace''. 112 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:13,719 And when ''Return of the Jedi'' came out, there were street parties. 113 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,075 George V came out to see it... 114 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,116 and we were all given a silver sixpence 115 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,477 with a picture of Queen Victoria on one side 116 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,837 and a picture of Jabba the Hutt on the other. 117 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:30,949 Hugh smeIIs of memories. He's stopped time by spouting his past. 118 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,635 (Hugh) 'They were great days. We all had Gillette Contour, 119 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:39,794 ' but not Contour Plus. 'But we knew it was just around the corner.' 120 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,590 Over here there used to be a Homebase. Now they've just ruined it. 121 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,150 I've Iearnt from Hugh to discover the past everywhere. 122 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,470 (Hugh) 'We had blackouts in those days, 123 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,950 'so we used to get to school wearing infrared goggles.' 124 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,270 God, it's still here! 125 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:01,195 As a kid l used to come down here every weekend to be bullied. Argh! 126 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,437 l love it when people try and keep the past alive. 127 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:11,310 This happened recently when the Emperor of Japan visited Britain 128 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,916 and the Mall was lined up with British ex-servicemen 129 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,038 who had been Japanese prisoners-of-war. 130 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,159 They were demanding an apology for their mistreatment. 131 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:26,279 They were protesting by turning their back on him as he went past. 132 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,476 lt was the world's first Mexican back. 133 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,393 The Emperor said, ''We will apologise 134 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:34,870 ''if you apologise for what the West did to Nagasaki.'' 135 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,873 The British said, ''We did. 136 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,794 ''The next day we called on Nagasaki, but no one was in. 137 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:46,192 ''Apart from one guy who turned his back on us, but it fell off.'' 138 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:50,554 Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the city of Sheffield, 139 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:54,030 l would like to welcome you to this Knife Attack Reunion. 140 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:58,159 This year we have not only the group 141 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,312 travelling home from the theatre who were attacked... 142 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,232 (Applause ) 143 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:08,155 ...but also for the first time all four of the gang who set upon them. 144 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,276 (Applause ) 145 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,749 And a special welcome 146 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:17,391 to Alistair and Bobby who have flown over from Australia. 147 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:23,036 And who some of you may remember took part in the prison gang rape 148 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:28,069 of one of the convicted attackers in the shower in...1 983, was it? 149 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,994 - 1 984 it was. - 1 984, l stand corrected. 150 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:36,915 Don't forget, as ever, the children's crèche is in the forecourt. 151 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:41,676 And children, the bouncy castle is made of rubber, so no knives! 152 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,150 (Man) Darling, this is Harry Watkins, 153 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,754 one of the gentlemen who attacked me 20 years ago. 154 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,708 - Hello! l've heard so much about you! - No, l didn't attack you. 155 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,316 - You didn't attack me? - No, l stabbed your wife. 156 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,631 - Good heavens! - l had you down on the ground. 157 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:04,750 Then she came over, pulled me off, then l turned round and said, ''You bitch!'' 158 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,957 - You remember? - ''l'm gonna cut your face!'' 159 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,315 - That was me. - Hang on a minute. 160 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,789 - Australia? - Yeah. 161 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,157 And you were whose, er...rapist? 162 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,074 Tommy Bannister. Me and Al. But in prison, that was. 163 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:24,916 - l see, yes. Not any more. - No, obviously not now, no. 164 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:29,551 This gentleman stabbed me... This gentleman stabbed you. 165 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,154 - Really? - l slashed your face. 166 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,710 Didn't you then do a History of Art degree? 167 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,350 No, that was Tommy. He did the Open University. 168 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,796 - You stabbed me in the chest? - That's right. 169 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,235 The prosecution made so many mistakes. 170 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,958 Absolutely. 171 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,396 - Oh! - No, no! Calm down, calm down. 172 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,028 - lt's only plastic! - l'm so sorry. 173 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,476 - She still gets funny about it. - There you are. 174 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,756 Hello, Tommy! Wa-hey! 175 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,754 Force of habit again! 176 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,799 Never mind, Tommy. Made you jump there, didn't he? 177 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,916 What happened in the shower? 178 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,959 (Bobby) We were all in Pentonville. We caught him in the shower. 179 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,076 What happened? l don't... 180 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,196 (Bobby) Well, he bent over and we... 181 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,316 Oh! Oh, l see. 182 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,836 l don't like him standing close to me any more. 183 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,278 That hand used to be my soap hand. You did really well there. 184 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,396 Do you want a sausage? 185 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,438 (Laughter) 186 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:45,596 AIec is 42 this morning 187 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:49,673 and therefore has nothing further to contribute to society. 188 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,799 So today's the day AIec goes into a home for middIe-aged men. 189 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,758 (Tranquil music plays) 190 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,993 Hello. 191 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,835 Hello. A middle-aged man just pissed himself. 192 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,756 - Hello, hello. And you are? - Alec Thomson. 193 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,990 Alec, nice to have you with us. 194 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:20,109 l think we're still... Yes, we're preparing a chair for you over there. 195 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,236 That'll be a few hours yet. 196 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,359 Just come this way. We had a slight accident earlier. 197 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,671 - Would you like a small beer? - Yes, lovely. 198 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,355 - And there's videos, newspapers. - OK. 199 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,274 A nun will come by and give you a shave in a few minutes. 200 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,876 ln the meantime, would you do something for me? 201 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:44,999 Pop in there and examine yourself down your trousers. 202 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:49,119 - What do you mean? - Look down the front of your trousers. 203 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,556 - For what? - For anything out of the ordinary. 204 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,508 - Lumps, distension, anything like that. - OK, right. 205 00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:00,719 Just something l'd like you to get into the habit of doing. 206 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,313 Good. 207 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,912 From now on, more and more of what you do in your life 208 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,036 will be a waste of time. 209 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,760 You have reared and now you are spent. 210 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:17,836 You sit in a sports car, but you look like a worm on a diamond, all right? 211 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:23,074 What you have to adjust to is a world in which people no longer fancy you. 212 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,755 As you go through this change, 213 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:30,708 you will divest yourself of the clothing and care products 214 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:34,475 that previously you found beneficial. 215 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:39,316 That was when you were young, when your imagination was supple 216 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,631 and could leap like a bird or a gibbon. 217 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,554 The past is a distant yacht. 218 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:52,754 What you haven't done now, you will never get done. All right? 219 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:58,915 Possibility is a private party to which you are no longer invited. 220 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:04,832 There is not now a single man in this room 221 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,639 who will ever be an astronaut. 222 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,033 OK? 223 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,839 Beer! Get your beer, boys! Come on, hurry up! 224 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,198 (Man over radio ) 'Roger. Can l have your next position?' 225 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,429 l've organised a little surprise for tonight. 226 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:33,037 - A concert from the Abba Tribute Band! - That's great! 227 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,079 (Tranquil music plays) 228 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,070 Oh! l've pissed myself! 229 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,596 - Oh! - Never mind, never mind. 230 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,070 (Man over radio ) 'Roger. Can l have your next position?' 231 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,919 We're always trying to freeze time, stop it in its tracks. 232 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,548 That's why we have so many revivals. 233 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,154 We're going through an '80s revival, 234 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,949 so people go clubbing dressed as the old Channel 4 logo 235 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,669 and every Wednesday is Kajagoogoo Night at Westminster Abbey. 236 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,276 But time moves on and in 5,000 years, 237 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,876 who knows what will be remembered from the last century? 238 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:26,716 lt may well be Stalin and lslamic fundamentalism, 239 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,519 but it might just be the stock cube! 240 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,350 l have found in Europe most people... 241 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,637 - (Knocking) - Come in! 242 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,553 - Hi-ya. - Hey! When did you get here? 243 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,598 An hour ago. Did you come by the Eurostar? 244 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,911 Yeah. You must've got the one just before me. 245 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,119 Gary and the acquisitions lot came down earlier to set up. 246 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,590 Good, good. So this is your room? 247 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,957 Yeah, Stuart recommended it. lt's all right. 248 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,873 - lt's very nice. - Yeah. 249 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,998 You know this place used to be a concentration camp? 250 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,118 Yeah. Yeah, of course l did. 251 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:09,114 l think it's quite nice. Have you had a look around? 252 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,236 The bathroom's great. 253 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,039 No. Do the others know about this place? 254 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,590 lf they're at the bar, they'll have a good idea. 255 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,070 Why don't we meet over at the bar before dinner? 256 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,596 l don't know. l feel l need a bit of fresh air. 257 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,833 - There are some lovely woodland walks. - Right. 258 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,753 - l'll see you at dinner then? - Yes. 259 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,472 Hugh, what's your earliest vivid memory? 260 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,598 Me and my brothers got on the charabanc one day 261 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,115 and King George was driving it. 262 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,669 We went to Wembley Stadium. 263 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:52,153 Wembley was new then. lt had just been finished for the Olympics. 264 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,276 Who did we see there? 265 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,470 Yeah, Rob Newman and David Baddiel. 266 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:04,112 The onIy pIace where time seems to come to a standstiII is at my barber's. 267 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,953 Did l tell you l got stabbed the other day? 268 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,192 l found it quite a relaxing experience. 269 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:13,079 He's interminabIe. 270 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,993 A friend of mine done it for a surprise. 271 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,436 Obviously, l lost a lot of blood and all of this. 272 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:24,720 Eventually l found most of it in a potty cos my friend's very considerate. 273 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,440 - Have you ever been stabbed? - No. 274 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,068 - Would you like to be stabbed? - No. 275 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,879 l know what l want for my next birthday. 276 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:37,318 Top people have their nipples pierced and their genitalia. 277 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,914 ls that any different to a stabbing? 278 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,756 One day I noticed a boy who Iooked Iike me when I was his age. 279 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,673 I remembered when I was a boy at the barber's 280 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,195 surrounded by big, hairy men. 281 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:54,797 I remember thinking as you got oIder, you became mostIy hair. 282 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:59,636 Above aII, the big men had mad, Iiving eyebrows of frozen fire. 283 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:04,476 And these monsters wouId occasionaIIy haunt me in my dreams. 284 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,356 I remember thinking, 285 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,354 ''Thank Christ I don't have big, hairy eyebrows that need cutting!'' 286 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:15,274 On Iife's roIIer coaster I was stiII at the start. 287 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,274 I'd aIready ridden through the first new thriIIs, 288 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:23,991 past the first time I was stung by a wasp, past my first Genesis CD, 289 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,597 past the first time I mended a door, the first time I'm mugged. 290 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:33,675 I go past the age at which I couId be conscripted during a war. 291 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,400 Then I start to see the end in sight 292 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,917 and I get ready to be cranked up for the big drop into obIivion. 293 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:46,677 And doing the cranking are the big, hairy men, and then this happened. 294 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:51,595 l've been on this new diet lately and l lost loads and loads of weight. 295 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,911 - The other day, l farted two stone. - Right. 296 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,231 - These eyebrows could do with a... - Oh no! 297 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,914 I had run out of future. 298 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,470 My eyebrows were uncontroIIabIe. I was no Ionger young. 299 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:09,634 Never again wouId peopIe caII me a whippersnapper, a young offender. 300 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,712 Down I went, past my first haemorrhoid, 301 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:17,317 past the point where ''Smash Hits'' seemed to be in another Ianguage. 302 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:21,268 I wouIdn't Iive Iong enough to see househoId robots. 303 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,955 I was sIipping down a box in appIication forms. 304 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,999 I was past the age where I wouId be caIIed up if a war was going badIy. 305 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:33,199 I was now oId enough to present the medaIs at the OIympics. 306 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,436 But l can't be an adult. l'm only 37. 307 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,559 I wanted to teII peopIe to get off the roIIer coaster, especiaIIy chiIdren. 308 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:49,078 Why did chiIdren want to grow oId quicker, and smoke and be sarcastic? 309 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,552 l've decided that if kids want to be more and more like adults, 310 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,518 l've got to stop them in an amusing way. 311 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:01,435 Say hello to Armando, the Great Adult. Give him a clap! 312 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,309 Ooh la! Ooh la! What's that? 313 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,352 lt's a key for bleeding a radiator. lt opens the air lock. 314 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:15,469 lt is something each and every one of you is going to have to do 315 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:19,189 at some point in your life, or get someone in for you. 316 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,112 Ah la-la! 317 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,350 (Applause ) 318 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,353 What about this? We all know what this is. 319 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,479 Fire! Now, they all say there's no smoke without fire, 320 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,394 but neither is there any fire without one of these. 321 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,916 A damages claim form! Zoo-za-za! 322 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,551 With a damages claim form, be prepared for insurance companies 323 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:46,349 to be sticky about what you can and cannot claim. 324 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,478 People can advise you on this. Ma-ba-ba! 325 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,110 This is a perfectly ordinary tin of tomatoes. 326 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,239 And this is a perfectly ordinary any vegetable. 327 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,719 And put the two together and you get... 328 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,919 Va-voo-va! Va-a-a! Vo-o-o! 329 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,316 An acceptable pasta sauce! 330 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,438 l'm going to show you how to pack a suitcase 331 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,353 for a two-day business trip to Europe. 332 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:16,476 You've all seen ''Doctor Who''. 333 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:20,155 The Tardis was bigger on the inside than the outside. 334 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,550 That doesn't actually happen. 335 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:27,077 Things are actually smaller on the inside than they are on the outside. 336 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,595 You've got to realise that. 337 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,399 As you get older, you may read these, 338 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,314 though in time, you'll find this one more annoying. 339 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,119 This is what you say at Christmas time. 340 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:42,272 ''A thing for resealing wine! That'll come in very handy. 341 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,590 ''Thank you.'' Zoo-za! 342 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,115 l'm telling you all these things is because 343 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,716 a lot of responsibility goes with adulthood. 344 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,792 lt's not just a big laugh. lt can be hell. 345 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,795 So it's far better to enjoy your youth while you've got it. 346 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,633 lt's great, it's a laugh being young - 347 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:06,828 sitting around in shopping malls, sending text messages to each other, 348 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:12,552 just hoping that one of your friends has got a brother who owns a car. 349 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,076 And daring each other to go into off-licences to buy something, 350 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:20,119 then one of you does and comes out with a big bag of Red Bull 351 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,999 because they thought it was alcoholic! 352 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,118 All right? So enjoy it! Ba-za-za! 353 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:32,992 So, that's why l think that Stonehenge is a very sophisticated anthill. 354 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,115 Right. 355 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,511 l mean, like the ants, they're very clever. 356 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,435 People say that animals are stupid and don't know nothing, 357 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,194 but l think animals know a lot. 358 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:49,717 The mayfly insect only lives for 24 hours? 359 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:54,396 Scientists have helped a mayfly to live for 7 years. 360 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,596 lt turns out that 361 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,672 the mayfly is cleverer than people think. 362 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,389 lt only lives 24 hours so it never learns nothing. 363 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,109 lf it lives for 7 years, it'll learn quite a lot 364 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,669 and become good at conversational French, 365 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:11,990 so it could order wine and cheese 366 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,116 quite accurately. 367 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,589 But it's only got a little voice 368 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,955 cos it's a mayfly, 369 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:22,999 so they had to build a little amplifier to amplify its voice.