Early this morning l was involved in a confusing incident.
(Armando ) I heard a noise in the middIe of the night.
(Trumpet music )
I hadn't cIosed the fridge door properIy. It was making the sound of a trumpet.
(Trumpet music stops)
(Burping)
The bIind hitting the window made the sound of burping.
I became conscious of aII the troubIing noises you hear at night.
The microwave made the sound of Gary Rhodes.
(Gary Rhodes) 'You want that binding feeling. lf you've got a bit of lemon...'
I went back to bed worried.
But the next night I was sure I couId hear a rat.
So I was reIieved to find it was just an intruder.
But he spotted my T-shirt and went for me.
He twisted my neck and smashed my face.
As I tried to fend him off, I caught my refIection. I was getting a bit fat.
What happened last night upset me and l'm doing something about it.
Hi, Armando lannucci. l'm booked in for the fitness course.
You wanted to lose a bit off your big, fat gut and bum?
Yes.
(Gym lnstructor) This is the main section of the gym.
lt gets you working on your deltoids and abs, so you don't look like you do now.
Nigel's working on his triceps, biceps, pecs and bliffs.
Right. What's happening here?
She's working on flattening her stomach, so it's not sticking out like a church!
(Bang)
You probably want to wear a dark kit for that one.
That's a bit specialist. l just want to get back into shape.
- Oh, yeah, the nose! - No, no, l meant...
This section here is mainly for your glutes and pups.
l'm not ready for that. l just wanted to lose some weight.
How many times do you want to do it a week?
About one or two lunchtimes.
l got just the machine for you! Come on.
This is the one for you -
a great workout for your mezzanines and blic-blacs. Jump on.
- Just lie down? - Yeah. Relaxed?
- Yeah. - l'll just turn her on.
- Feel the vibrations? - Yeah.
Fantastic workout for your chuddy-duxers! l'll raise her a little.
- Yeah. Ooh! - Can you feel the heat coming through?
l can actually. lt's very... Aah!
- (Thump) - OK! Well, well done.
You've probably already lost seven or eight pounds
because you've evacuated yourself through sheer terror.
Your front and your ribs are much flatter.
- Shall l weigh you? - No, no.
OK. Let's make a move. lt gets a bit busy around lunchtime.
(Gasps)
I soon got used to being shot at a waII three times a week to Iook good,
but it made me reaIise how much we judge peopIe by their appearance.
If something isn't right about how they Iook, we're suspicious.
Mrs Henderson, the doctor's ready to see you.
If just one thing is wrong about their appearance, we go off them.
Mr and Mrs Robinson, l'm Peter Stott, headmaster. Follow me, please.
Everyone agrees this neighbourhood Iooks terribIe
as it's fuII of homeIess peopIe.
So the counciI heIped them by raising money
for a theatricaI designer to Iight them beautifuIIy.
The IocaI underpass is now smeIIy but pretty
and a popuIar meeting pIace for young peopIe and the young at heart.
Hello, Hugh. l've come back from the gym all confused.
- Did that ever happen to you? - No.
What was different about life in those days?
We didn't have widescreen tellies in those days, so we had to make our own.
lf ''Die Hard With a Vengeance'' was on,
all the neighbours would lay their tellies side by side to make it look wide.
To make it look more like the cinema
we'd turn all the streetlights out... and cheap polystyrene.
Hugh's got a bIoody good point
about how we're obsessed with fiIm and TVand video.
We don't beIieve something's happened unIess it's been recorded.
And l'm looking for a football video,
''Jaap Stam's Guide to Goals from the '90s that were subsequently disallowed''.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Even the simpIest facts have to be entertaining.
(TV) 'ln a new series of ''Walking with Nazis''...'
(Grunting)
(Narrator) 'Each Nazi could eat up to 400 kilos of meat a day.'
Some of us have a big probIem with reaIity.
Why aren't you a lemon? Why?
(Woman) 'Baby Marcus was a nightmare.
'He was always crying and he wouldn't sleep.
'The doctor said the best thing to do was have a relaunch.
'So we did. We booked a hall and we got some PR people in.
'And most of our friends now think Marcus is going to be a lot better.'
What if we're just a giant internet which God will switch off?
Oh, this is good. This is good.
This is the final instalment in the mapping of the human genome.
They've been breaking down human DNA into a sequence of letters,
each representing human chromosomes, then sending them to me.
This is the last bit. l've been sticking them up all the house
And now at last we can read the entire text of human life.
lt's pretty basic stuff.
lt tells us whether we'll grow up to have blue eyes
or be allergic to flan or frightened of nuts.
lt's not going to explain human nature
or tell us whether we will grow up to like jazz or be a twat
because that's got much more to do with schooling.
lt's not going to explain how the human spirit triumphs in adversity
like at times of war where on Christmas Day they have a football match.
At the game they had in the First World War, the hooliganism was terrible
and 20,000 spectators clashed and were killed.
But it's thrilling because we can read how our chromosomes work.
These sequence of letters here -
''agcataaaaa''.
The next sequence, ''gctcaagtgc''.
Er...''ttgct...'' l'm not gonna read them all out cos there's 50 million letters.
One thing l noticed in the sequence is it starts to break down round about here
where it goes ''ta - don't piss it away - aatg''.
And l picked up again this sequence a bit later on here, ''don't piss it away''.
l've got it all round the house.
We won't go in here. That's where l keep the wolf.
l wrote to the person in charge of the DNA mapping project
and said, ''What's going on?''
He said, ''Don't read too much in it. lt's probably just coincidence.''
Quiet, please!
- ls the tornado ready to go? - All set, whipping up a good 'un.
- He's up to speed, l reckon. - Geri, can we go get Andy Tornado?
Can we do final checks?
- Yeah, Andy, he's number one. - (Geri) Do 'em now!
OK, great.
Andy doesn't wanna come out. He's done this before.
He's famous for it.
Give him some attention. Tell him he's the best tornado and he'll play ball.
- l need this tornado. l need this! - You'll have to have a chat with him.
Are you coming out here to make the movie?
Not with this script. lt's the same old crap!
Tornado comes into town, blows houses and cars up in the air. Big deal!
- Don't be an insensitive piece of shit! - Fuck you, l'm not insensitive!
- Not another generic tornado! - l can rewrite this as a tidal wave!
- Mark! ls he coming out? - No.
- Oh, Christ! - Send Jeff in.
- Jeff, go ahead. - Just give me five. Watch this.
Listen. l'm an actor, you're an actor.
Why don't we go out and make a movie? Come on!
- Who sent you in here? - l'm the leading man!
You're the leading man? Whose name is above the title in this movie?
You're the tornado, l'm the leading man! You're the storm! That's all you are!
- Your mascara's running, dear! - Let me tell you something, pal!
l wish you were this good in the dailies which l've seen!
Screw him! Did you hear what he said to me?
- Oh, Christ! - He's got a bigger trailer than l do!
- He's coming out of his trailer! - (Tornado ) That's it! l'm done!
- l'm an actor! You're tying me up here! - Let him go!
l hope they don't get him a driver.
We don't need this guy. We can shoot it without it.
Give me six actors.
We've got one or two takes. Life and death! l wanna see the fear in the eyes!
We'll give it a minute.
(Director yells) Action, tornado!
- Cue wind! - Quick, get in the car! Quick!
(Director) Louder! Over the wind! Fear!
- Fear, lots of fear! - Hold on!
- Aah! - (Director) Life and death!
- Stop! Oh, no! - (Director) Come on, Mary Beth!
- Come on! - No! l couldn't be there for him!
Beautiful! Yeah!
(Whooping and cheering)
l love digital telly. No matter where you live, you get all the channels.
Never again will l hear that phrase that battered my childhood,
''That's except for viewers in Scotland
''who've got their own programmes.''
Every night I have a terribIe, dreadfuI dream about that phrase.
And in that dream I die... and go to heaven.
In heaven I meet St Peter. And he says to me, ''WeIcome to heaven.
''It's a muIti-channeI paradise showing every programme,
''incIuding aII the ones you didn't see in ScotIand. ''
St Peter points to a ''CIive James End of the Year Show';
which viewers in ScotIand didn't get because of a ''Hogmanay SpeciaI''.
And over there is the first terrestriaI showing of ''Terminator 2''
which viewers in ScotIand missed
because of a faiIed Dougie DonneIIy chat show.
Up there is the first ever Iive interview with an aIien
which viewers in ScotIand missed
cos of a PauI Coia quiz show about hiIIs.
Down there is that programme that showed you
how to turn base metaIs into goId
which viewers in ScotIand never saw
because of a cartoon series about GaeIic accidents.
This, says St Peter, is where the dead can watch the teIIy,
then he says to me, ''Except for the dead of ScotIand
''who have their own heaven. ''
'He shows me Scottish heaven.
'It consists of a baId man who teIIs me what a great country ScotIand is
because it invented goIf, it discovered peniciIIin
and it has the songs of Runrig.
Outside everyone was watching some newIy recorded ''BIackadder''
and guiIt-free porn, so I just Iost it.
St Peter grows angry and casts me out of Scottish heaven
and down into Scottish heII.
It consists of a portrait of AIIy McLeod,
a frightening tartan drummer girI
and a giant computer scoreboard fIashing up ScotIand's goaI difference
and why we'II go out after the first round.
And there's a man behind a desk who says to me,
''Armando Iannucci, you've eIected to go for PauI Coia's HiII ChaIIenge.
''This for ten bonus points,
''which Scottish hiII has the most sides?''
A question I know I can never answer,
so I'm condemned to watching a documentary about John Logie Baird,
a Scotsman who invented TV,
but didn't reaIise we wouIdn't be aIIowed to watch the ruddy thing!'
l've had a liberating experience using the internet's online banking facilities.
One night I Iogged onto my bank's website
to see how much money I owned
when I became invoIved in a hoId-up.
It was an onIine bank robbery.
First I tried Iogging onto the poIice's website to teII them,
but I was immediateIy spotted and beaten up.
Afterwards, I carried on Iooking at my account detaiIs,
but I found being beaten up onIine more frightening
than the mugging the previous night from my intruder.
It seems onIy artificiaI things make an impression.
Madame Tussauds reconstructed of the worId's most famous dummies,
using Iive actors who act as dummy-Iike as possibIe.
We've reached the stage where there are more reconstructions
than things that have actuaIIy happened. '
Yet we fail to appreciate some of the incredible things in the world around us.
Like cups. Aren't they great?
l bet if man reached a black hole in space,
he'd write in the visitors' book, ''lt's a bit dark!''
(Woman) Look, Sammy, it's the Winter Olympics!
Sammy has developed a syndrome which means he's being bored to death.
- lt's a new teabag. - Not interested!
You can pull the strings!
- A book about the Krays! - l'm bored of bastards!
- New Champions League football! - Christ!
Two tickets to see a one-man show with Timothy Dalton!
Aah!
lf he has the same experience twice, all his internal organs will haemorrhage.
They've found some unreleased songs by John Lennon.
- Oh, shite! - Oh no, his eyes are bleeding again!
l could just put that there. That's different.
(Woman) 'Every day l find it more difficult
'to find something to stimulate Sammy's imagination and stop him dying.'
l don't like six o'clock.
lf l put it on its side, it's a quarter to three!
That's better, but l wish she'd finish this apple.
This one's never in the middle.
OK. Why don't we put her in the middle for a change?
That looks completely different.
That's better. l like that.
Would you like to come and see the new Steve Martin film?
We don't have to go.
We're desperately trying to invent new experiences.
Sammy, we've reformed East 1 7 with Alan Shearer instead of Brian Harvey.
Oh, God!
l'm not feeling well. We've been on this route before.
But everyone on the route is making it look like the war in Vietnam.
(Machine guns fire )
(Sammy) How are we gonna get home? (Woman) l don't know!
- But it's just another war. - l don't know, Sammy.
(Machine guns fire )
(Woman) Sammy! lt's a documentary about the international space station.
(Whimpers)
ln those days we all got called up
to edit the ''lndependent on Sunday''.
You couldn't get out of it.
So l turned up on the Monday.
By Wednesday morning, l thought, ''What's the point?'' l ran away.
l thought if they caught me, l'd be shot, but they got somebody else in.
What if we're hand puppets, manipulated by tiny men with their arms up us?
l used to cut the hair of a man who was in the Bootleg Beatles.
- Oh, the Beatles tribute band? - Yeah.
- He used to look like John Lennon. - Right.
l heard the other day he got shot by the look-alike Mark Chapman.
Oh no.
The saddest one of all was the look-alike Pete Best.
He was very bitter and jealous towards the look-alike Ringo Starr.
The look-alike Ringo Starr was quite happy
because he used to do all the voiceovers
for the Bootleg Thomas the Tank Engine.
So he was quids in really.
Hearing what my barber has to say, it's impossibIe to teII what's reaI any more.
(Man retches)
But l feel sorry all the same for Ringo Starr. Don't you?
- The real one? - Yeah, and the bootleg one.
He's sort of like the fourth not very good Beatle. You know what l mean?
lt's a bit like the Marx Brothers. They had a fourth not very good Marx Brother.
They had Chico, Harpo, Groucho and Ringo.
l'm reading a book that has completely changed my life.
lt's called ''Erich von Däniken's Hidden Holy Bible Code from Space''.
lt unlocks all the secret Bible revelations
that have lain hidden for millennia.
What did it for me is this thing here
about the phrase Jesus uses in the New Testament,
''Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth.''
The word ''meek'' is a mistranslation from the Ancient Aramaic.
lt should translate as ''giant radioactive cockroach''.
Jesus said, ''Blessed are the giant radioactive cockroaches,
''for they shall inherit the Earth.''
(Doorbell rings)
- Hi-ya! - Hello.
Thanks.
l've got an lke-and-Tina-Turner-agram for a bloke next door, but he isn't in.
Could you look after it?
- An lke-and-Tina-Turner-agram? - Yes.
- OK, fine. - Bring it in.
Thanks. Thank you.
- Hello. Come in. - Thanks.
Come in. ln out of the rain. All right.
- Do you want a cup of tea? - No, we're fine.
No thanks. We don't want to be any trouble.
- So you do lke and Tina Turner? - Yeah.
- Do you sing all the songs? - Yeah.
- ''River Deep, Mountain High''? - ''Nutbush City Limits'', the lot.
Great. When did you get into that? Why did you decide to do it?
Just cos everybody said we looked so much like them.
- So it was obvious really. - lt was the thing to do.
Good.
- l'm just measuring up all the house. - Please.
l'll just leave you to it.
(Woman) l'm leaving you, lke!
As Ike and Tina practised recreating domestic vioIence from the '60s,
I reaIised we aII want to Iive in a big Iie.
Maybe because we wouIdn't cope if we aIways heard the truth.
(Man) 'The 1 7:20 to London Marylebone. Why don't you go and take it?
'Go and take it with all the other robots. Yeah, you!
'You think you're so cultured because you've seen ''Cats'',
'you pampered, upper-class drug-taking bitch!'
- Are you picking up the disabled group? - Yes, l'm taking them for lunch.
- Bobby! - l don't know how you do it.
Martin and Marie are the happiest coupIe in my area.
If anyone can cope with seeing their inner seIves, it's them.
- Will you be around for supper? - No, l'll be seeing Jeff.
- Oh, listening to more of his problems? - Hmm.
But l got a letter from the TV company.
They want to do that documentary about married couples and film us.
Right, then. l'd better be on my best behaviour.
Yeah, me too.
- l want your autograph! - Bring a record out probably!
'What am l?'
Boing, boing, boing!
'l'm a kangaroo!'
- l think you're a fat, ugly cow. - What?
- What are you doing? - l didn't think they'd use that!
They make you look stupid!
(Announcer) 'Martin and Marie show typical dysfunctional behaviour.'
- Just behave and calm down! - Piss off!
(Barks)
Bobby, come here! Come here! Come on, come to Mummy!
(Woman) lt's just cos you're having a fight.
They're selective about what they show.
- l'm going for more lager. - Get me some more.
- (Announcer) 'Martin has lost control.' - 'Pray for lager!'
They've taken this out of context.
Who did that crucifix of beer cans?
l made it ages ago. We were just clowning around.
- (Barks) - Shut up, Bobby!
(Yells) Stop...bloody...barking!
Oh!
- Give us a hand then! - No!
They're making us look rather ridiculous by just picking certain moments out.
l've just injected temazies in my leg
and the veins have gone all solid!
(Announcer) 'Next week Marie and Martin
'trap squirrels to make hats in ''A Family of Nutters''.'
? We're good at telly We're so good at telly
? You're good at telly l'm good at telly... ?
- lt's lovely pasta. Thank you. - Great.
- Are you busy being lke and Tina? - Yeah.
- Very busy. - There he is! There he is, quick!
Quick, quick, go! There he goes!
- He's just gone in. Have a good one. - Thank you very much.
- Shall l do the washing-up? - No, just get into his house! Bye!
(Rings doorbell)
- Right. ls he coming? - He's coming.
? Oh, wacka-wacka-wacka-wacka!
? A church house gin house
? A school house out-house
? On highway number nineteen
? The people keep the city clean
? They call it Nutbush
? Oh, Nutbush
? They call it Nutbush City Limits
? Nutbush City Limits! ?
? Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
? Bam-da-da-da, bam-bam
? When l was a little girl
? l had a rag doll
? The only doll l ever owned
? And l'm gonna love you the way l loved that rag doll
? - But only now my love has grown - Doo-doo-doo
? And it gets stronger every day And it gets deeper... ?