1
00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:04,229
Early this morning l was involved
in a confusing incident.

2
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,437
<i>(Armando ) I heard a noise</i>
<i>in the middIe of the night.</i>

3
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,556
(Trumpet music )

4
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:16,556
<i>I hadn't cIosed the fridge door properIy.</i>
<i>It was making the sound of a trumpet.</i>

5
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,116
(Trumpet music stops)

6
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,236
(Burping)

7
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,358
<i>The bIind hitting the window</i>
<i>made the sound of burping.</i>

8
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,991
<i>I became conscious of aII</i>
<i>the troubIing noises you hear at night.</i>

9
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,470
<i>The microwave made the sound</i>
<i>of Gary Rhodes.</i>

10
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:40,839
(Gary Rhodes) 'You want that binding
feeling. lf you've got a bit of lemon...'

11
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,150
<i>I went back to bed worried.</i>

12
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,437
<i>But the ne</i>xt <i>night</i>
<i>I was sure I couId hear a rat.</i>

13
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,670
<i>So I was reIieved</i>
<i>to find it was just an intruder.</i>

14
00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,274
<i>But he spotted my T-shirt</i>
<i>and went for me.</i>

15
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,352
<i>He twisted my neck</i>
<i>and smashed my face.</i>

16
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:02,913
<i>As I tried to fend him off, I caught</i>
<i>my refIection. I was getting a bit fat.</i>

17
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,835
What happened last night upset me
and l'm doing something about it.

18
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:12,198
Hi, Armando lannucci.
l'm booked in for the fitness course.

19
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:16,194
You wanted to lose a bit
off your big, fat gut and bum?

20
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:17,793
Yes.

21
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,599
(Gym lnstructor)
This is the main section of the gym.

22
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:26,039
lt gets you working on your deltoids and
abs, so you don't look like you do now.

23
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:30,193
Nigel's working on his triceps,
biceps, pecs and bliffs.

24
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,828
Right. What's happening here?

25
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:38,632
She's working on flattening her stomach,
so it's not sticking out like a church!

26
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,431
(Bang)

27
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,070
You probably want to wear a dark kit
for that one.

28
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:49,438
That's a bit specialist.
l just want to get back into shape.

29
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,751
- Oh, yeah, the nose!
- No, no, l meant...

30
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,708
This section here is mainly
for your glutes and pups.

31
00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,429
l'm not ready for that.
l just wanted to lose some weight.

32
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,353
How many times
do you want to do it a week?

33
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,636
About one or two lunchtimes.

34
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,190
l got just the machine for you!
Come on.

35
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,316
This is the one for you -

36
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,916
a great workout for your mezzanines
and blic-blacs. Jump on.

37
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,036
- Just lie down?
- Yeah. Relaxed?

38
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,760
- Yeah.
- l'll just turn her on.

39
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,036
- Feel the vibrations?
- Yeah.

40
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:26,955
Fantastic workout for your
chuddy-duxers! l'll raise her a little.

41
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,999
- Yeah. Ooh!
- Can you feel the heat coming through?

42
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,277
l can actually. lt's very... Aah!

43
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:38,115
- (Thump)
- OK! Well, well done.

44
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,909
You've probably already lost
seven or eight pounds

45
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,198
because you've evacuated yourself
through sheer terror.

46
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,477
Your front and your ribs are much flatter.

47
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,710
- Shall l weigh you?
- No, no.

48
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,953
OK. Let's make a move.
lt gets a bit busy around lunchtime.

49
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,156
(Gasps)

50
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:03,075
<i>I soon got used to being shot at a waII</i>
<i>three times a week to Iook good,</i>

51
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:07,199
<i>but it made me reaIise how much</i>
<i>we judge peopIe by their appearance.</i>

52
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:11,558
<i>If something isn't right</i>
<i>about how they Iook, we're suspicious.</i>

53
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:16,236
Mrs Henderson,
the doctor's ready to see you.

54
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:20,359
<i>If just one thing is wrong about</i>
<i>their appearance, we go off them.</i>

55
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:26,390
Mr and Mrs Robinson, l'm Peter Stott,
headmaster. Follow me, please.

56
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:30,159
E<i>veryone agrees this neighbourhood</i>
<i>Iooks terribIe</i>

57
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,039
<i>as it's fuII of homeIess peopIe.</i>

58
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,714
<i>So the counciI heIped them</i>
<i>by raising money</i>

59
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,998
<i>for a theatricaI designer</i>
<i>to Iight them beautifuIIy.</i>

60
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,994
<i>The IocaI underpass</i>
<i>is now smeIIy but pretty</i>

61
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:49,439
<i>and a popuIar meeting pIace for</i>
<i>young peopIe and the young at heart.</i>

62
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,954
Hello, Hugh. l've come back
from the gym all confused.

63
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,190
- Did that ever happen to you?
- No.

64
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,716
What was different about life
in those days?

65
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:09,238
We didn't have widescreen tellies in
those days, so we had to make our own.

66
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,039
lf ''Die Hard With a Vengeance'' was on,

67
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:17,433
all the neighbours would lay their tellies
side by side to make it look wide.

68
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,034
To make it look more like the cinema

69
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,273
we'd turn all the streetlights out...
and cheap polystyrene.

70
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,396
<i>Hugh's got a bIoody good point</i>

71
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:30,348
<i>about how we're obsessed with fiIm</i>
<i>and TVand video.</i>

72
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,479
<i>We don't beIieve something's</i>
<i>happened unIess it's been recorded.</i>

73
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,596
And l'm looking for a football video,

74
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:41,436
''Jaap Stam's Guide to Goals from the
'90s that were subsequently disallowed''.

75
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,556
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

76
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,474
E<i>ven the simpIest facts</i>
<i>have to be entertaining.</i>

77
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:51,394
(TV) 'ln a new series
of ''Walking with Nazis''...'

78
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,516
(Grunting)

79
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,468
(Narrator) 'Each Nazi could eat
up to 400 kilos of meat a day.'

80
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,315
<i>Some of us have</i>
<i>a big probIem with reaIity.</i>

81
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,950
Why aren't you a lemon?
Why?

82
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,680
(Woman) 'Baby Marcus
was a nightmare.

83
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:13,037
'He was always crying
and he wouldn't sleep.

84
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:17,034
'The doctor said the best thing to do
was have a relaunch.

85
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,398
'So we did. We booked a hall
and we got some PR people in.

86
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:27,157
'And most of our friends now think
Marcus is going to be a lot better.'

87
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:31,996
What if we're just a giant internet
which God will switch off?

88
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,670
Oh, this is good. This is good.

89
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:38,799
This is the final instalment
in the mapping of the human genome.

90
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:44,034
They've been breaking down human DNA
into a sequence of letters,

91
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:48,637
each representing human chromosomes,
then sending them to me.

92
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,952
This is the last bit. l've been
sticking them up all the house

93
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:57,830
And now at last we can read
the entire text of human life.

94
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,036
lt's pretty basic stuff.

95
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,636
lt tells us whether we'll grow up
to have blue eyes

96
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,951
or be allergic to flan
or frightened of nuts.

97
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,759
lt's not going to explain human nature

98
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:15,119
or tell us whether we will grow up
to like jazz or be a twat

99
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,829
because that's got much more to do
with schooling.

100
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,675
lt's not going to explain how
the human spirit triumphs in adversity

101
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:27,789
like at times of war where on Christmas
Day they have a football match.

102
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:33,114
At the game they had in the First
World War, the hooliganism was terrible

103
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,238
and 20,000 spectators clashed
and were killed.

104
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:40,439
But it's thrilling because we can read
how our chromosomes work.

105
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,556
These sequence of letters here -

106
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,269
''agcataaaaa''.

107
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:52,390
The next sequence, ''gctcaagtgc''.

108
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:58,112
Er...''ttgct...'' l'm not gonna read them
all out cos there's 50 million letters.

109
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:03,752
One thing l noticed in the sequence is
it starts to break down round about here

110
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:09,392
where it goes
''ta - don't piss it away - aatg''.

111
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:15,078
And l picked up again this sequence
a bit later on here, ''don't piss it away''.

112
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,196
l've got it all round the house.

113
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,794
We won't go in here.
That's where l keep the wolf.

114
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,191
l wrote to the person in charge
of the DNA mapping project

115
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,316
and said, ''What's going on?''

116
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:29,996
He said, ''Don't read too much in it.
lt's probably just coincidence.''

117
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,433
Quiet, please!

118
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:37,559
- ls the tornado ready to go?
- All set, whipping up a good 'un.

119
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:42,510
- He's up to speed, l reckon.
- Geri, can we go get Andy Tornado?

120
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,591
Can we do final checks?

121
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,196
- Yeah, Andy, he's number one.
- (Geri) Do 'em now!

122
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,078
OK, great.

123
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,516
Andy doesn't wanna come out.
He's done this before.

124
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,148
He's famous for it.

125
00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:01,235
Give him some attention. Tell him
he's the best tornado and he'll play ball.

126
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:07,111
- l need this tornado. l need this!
- You'll have to have a chat with him.

127
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,158
Are you coming out here
to make the movie?

128
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,754
Not with this script.
lt's the same old crap!

129
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:18,153
Tornado comes into town, blows houses
and cars up in the air. Big deal!

130
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:23,269
- Don't be an insensitive piece of shit!
- Fuck you, l'm not insensitive!

131
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,718
- Not another generic tornado!
- l can rewrite this as a tidal wave!

132
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,953
- Mark! ls he coming out?
- No.

133
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,839
- Oh, Christ!
- Send Jeff in.

134
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,436
- Jeff, go ahead.
- Just give me five. Watch this.

135
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,637
Listen. l'm an actor, you're an actor.

136
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,314
Why don't we go out and make a movie?
Come on!

137
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,597
- Who sent you in here?
- l'm the leading man!

138
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:52,356
You're the leading man? Whose name
is above the title in this movie?

139
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:57,310
You're the tornado, l'm the leading man!
You're the storm! That's all you are!

140
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,792
- Your mascara's running, dear!
- Let me tell you something, pal!

141
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,635
l wish you were this good in the dailies
which l've seen!

142
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,429
Screw him!
Did you hear what he said to me?

143
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,558
- Oh, Christ!
- He's got a bigger trailer than l do!

144
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,998
- He's coming out of his trailer!
- (Tornado ) That's it! l'm done!

145
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,948
- l'm an actor! You're tying me up here!
- Let him go!

146
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,112
l hope they don't get him a driver.

147
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,909
We don't need this guy.
We can shoot it without it.

148
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,356
We can shoot it without it.
Give me six actors.

149
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:36,674
We've got one or two takes. Life and
death! l wanna see the fear in the eyes!

150
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,796
We'll give it a minute.

151
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,269
(Director yells) Action, tornado!

152
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,477
- Cue wind!
- Quick, get in the car! Quick!

153
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,949
(Director) Louder!
Over the wind! Fear!

154
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,680
- Fear, lots of fear!
- Hold on!

155
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,400
- Aah!
- (Director) Life and death!

156
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:55,836
- Stop! Oh, no!
- (Director) Come on, Mary Beth!

157
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,356
- Come on!
- No! l couldn't be there for him!

158
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,476
Beautiful! Yeah!

159
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,995
(Whooping and cheering)

160
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:09,276
l love digital telly. No matter
where you live, you get all the channels.

161
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,149
Never again will l hear that phrase
that battered my childhood,

162
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,517
''That's except for viewers in Scotland

163
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,636
''who've got their own programmes.''

164
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:25,550
E<i>very night I have a terribIe,</i>
<i>dreadfuI dream about that phrase.</i>

165
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,349
<i>And in that dream I die...</i>
<i>and go to heaven.</i>

166
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:37,033
<i>In heaven I meet St Peter. And he says</i>
<i>to me, ''WeIcome to heaven.</i>

167
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,636
<i>''It's a muIti-channeI paradise</i>
<i>showing every programme,</i>

168
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,190
<i>''incIuding aII the ones</i>
<i>you didn't see in ScotIand. ''</i>

169
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:48,558
<i>St Peter points to a ''CIive James</i>
E<i>nd of the Year Show'</i>;

170
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,679
<i>which viewers in ScotIand didn't get</i>
<i>because of a ''Hogmanay SpeciaI''.</i>

171
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:57,436
<i>And over there is the first terrestriaI</i>
<i>showing of ''Terminator 2''</i>

172
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,989
<i>which viewers in ScotIand missed</i>

173
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,515
<i>because of a faiIed Dougie DonneIIy</i>
<i>chat show.</i>

174
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,434
<i>Up there is the first ever Iive interview</i>
<i>with an aIien</i>

175
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,239
<i>which viewers in ScotIand missed</i>

176
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,073
<i>cos of a PauI Coia quiz show</i>
<i>about hiIIs.</i>

177
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,198
<i>Down there is that programme</i>
<i>that showed you</i>

178
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,113
<i>how to turn base metaIs into goId</i>

179
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,670
<i>which viewers in ScotIand never saw</i>

180
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,719
<i>because of a cartoon series</i>
<i>about GaeIic accidents.</i>

181
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:29,077
<i>This, says St Peter,</i>
<i>is where the dead can watch the teIIy,</i>

182
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,676
<i>then he says to me,</i>
<i>''</i>E<i>xcept for the dead of ScotIand</i>

183
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,638
<i>''who have their own heaven. ''</i>

184
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,314
<i>'He shows me Scottish heaven.</i>

185
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:42,951
<i>'It consists of a baId man who teIIs me</i>
<i>what a great country ScotIand is</i>

186
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,157
<i>because it invented goIf,</i>
<i>it discovered peniciIIin</i>

187
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,754
<i>and it has the songs of Runrig.</i>

188
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:53,630
<i>Outside everyone was watching</i>
<i>some newIy recorded ''BIackadder''</i>

189
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,758
<i>and guiIt-free porn, so I just Iost it.</i>

190
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,830
<i>St Peter grows angry</i>
<i>and casts me out of Scottish heaven</i>

191
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,956
<i>and down into Scottish heII.</i>

192
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,749
<i>It consists of a portrait of AIIy McLeod,</i>

193
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,229
<i>a frightening tartan drummer girI</i>

194
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,552
<i>and a giant computer scoreboard</i>
<i>fIashing up ScotIand's goaI difference</i>

195
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,234
<i>and why we'II go out</i>
<i>after the first round.</i>

196
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:21,075
<i>And there's a man behind a desk</i>
<i>who says to me,</i>

197
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,711
<i>''Armando Iannucci, you've eIected</i>
<i>to go for PauI Coia's HiII ChaIIenge.</i>

198
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,348
<i>''This for ten bonus points,</i>

199
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,115
<i>''which Scottish hiII</i>
<i>has the most sides?''</i>

200
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,510
<i>A question I know</i>
<i>I can never answer,</i>

201
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:38,355
<i>so I'm condemned to watching</i>
<i>a documentary about John Logie Baird,</i>

202
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,795
<i>a Scotsman who invented TV,</i>

203
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,919
<i>but didn't reaIise we wouIdn't be</i>
<i>aIIowed to watch the ruddy thing!'</i>

204
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:56,520
l've had a liberating experience using
the internet's online banking facilities.

205
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,592
<i>One night</i>
<i>I Iogged onto my bank's website</i>

206
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,751
<i>to see how much money I owned</i>

207
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,388
<i>when I became invoIved in a hoId-up.</i>

208
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,676
<i>It was an onIine bank robbery.</i>

209
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:11,038
<i>First I tried Iogging onto</i>
<i>the poIice's website to teII them,</i>

210
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,237
<i>but I was immediateIy spotted</i>
<i>and beaten up.</i>

211
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:18,075
<i>Afterwards, I carried on Iooking</i>
<i>at my account detaiIs,</i>

212
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,516
<i>but I found being beaten up onIine</i>
<i>more frightening</i>

213
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,638
<i>than the mugging the previous night</i>
<i>from my intruder.</i>

214
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,315
<i>It seems onIy artificiaI things</i>
<i>make an impression.</i>

215
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:34,953
<i>Madame Tussauds reconstructed</i>
<i>of the worId's most famous dummies,</i>

216
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,829
<i>using Iive actors who act</i>
<i>as dummy-Iike as possibIe.</i>

217
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:43,710
<i>We've reached the stage</i>
<i>where there are more reconstructions</i>

218
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,440
<i>than things that have actuaIIy</i>
<i>happened. '</i>

219
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:52,634
Yet we fail to appreciate some of the
incredible things in the world around us.

220
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,268
Like cups. Aren't they great?

221
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,750
l bet if man reached a black hole
in space,

222
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,071
he'd write in the visitors' book,
''lt's a bit dark!''

223
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:07,313
(Woman) Look, Sammy,
it's the Winter Olympics!

224
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,951
Sammy has developed a syndrome
which means he's being bored to death.

225
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,793
- lt's a new teabag.
- Not interested!

226
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,076
You can pull the strings!

227
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:21,199
- A book about the Krays!
- l'm bored of bastards!

228
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,478
- New Champions League football!
- Christ!

229
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:29,633
Two tickets to see a one-man show
with Timothy Dalton!

230
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,552
Aah!

231
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:36,919
lf he has the same experience twice,
all his internal organs will haemorrhage.

232
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,038
They've found some unreleased songs
by John Lennon.

233
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:45,228
- Oh, shite!
- Oh no, his eyes are bleeding again!

234
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,273
l could just put that there.
That's different.

235
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,874
(Woman) 'Every day
l find it more difficult

236
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:58,431
'to find something to stimulate Sammy's
imagination and stop him dying.'

237
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,556
l don't like six o'clock.

238
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:04,554
lf l put it on its side,
it's a quarter to three!

239
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,349
That's better,
but l wish she'd finish this apple.

240
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,988
This one's never in the middle.

241
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,630
OK. Why don't we put her in the middle
for a change?

242
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,189
That looks completely different.

243
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,590
That's better. l like that.

244
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,309
Would you like to come and see
the new Steve Martin film?

245
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,316
We don't have to go.

246
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:30,439
We're desperately trying
to invent new experiences.

247
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,593
Sammy, we've reformed East 1 7 with
Alan Shearer instead of Brian Harvey.

248
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,512
Oh, God!

249
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,468
l'm not feeling well.
We've been on this route before.

250
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,110
But everyone on the route
is making it look like the war in Vietnam.

251
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,748
(Machine guns fire )

252
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,674
(Sammy) How are we gonna get home?
(Woman) l don't know!

253
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:57,153
- But it's just another war.
- l don't know, Sammy.

254
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,039
(Machine guns fire )

255
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:05,991
(Woman) Sammy! lt's a documentary
about the international space station.

256
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,515
(Whimpers)

257
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,716
ln those days we all got called up

258
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,996
to edit the ''lndependent on Sunday''.

259
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,998
You couldn't get out of it.

260
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,674
So l turned up on the Monday.

261
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,628
By Wednesday morning, l thought,
''What's the point?'' l ran away.

262
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:36,193
l thought if they caught me, l'd be shot,
but they got somebody else in.

263
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:41,798
What if we're hand puppets, manipulated
by tiny men with their arms up us?

264
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,712
l used to cut the hair of a man
who was in the Bootleg Beatles.

265
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,633
- Oh, the Beatles tribute band?
- Yeah.

266
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,792
- He used to look like John Lennon.
- Right.

267
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,714
l heard the other day he got shot
by the look-alike Mark Chapman.

268
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,030
Oh no.

269
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,954
The saddest one of all
was the look-alike Pete Best.

270
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:07,716
He was very bitter and jealous
towards the look-alike Ringo Starr.

271
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,952
The look-alike Ringo Starr
was quite happy

272
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,475
because he used to do
all the voiceovers

273
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,552
for the Bootleg
Thomas the Tank Engine.

274
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,915
So he was quids in really.

275
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:23,631
<i>Hearing what my barber has to say, it's</i>
<i>impossibIe to teII what's reaI any more.</i>

276
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,672
(Man retches)

277
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,719
But l feel sorry all the same
for Ringo Starr. Don't you?

278
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:51,077
- The real one?
- Yeah, and the bootleg one.

279
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:56,678
He's sort of like the fourth not very
good Beatle. You know what l mean?

280
00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:01,231
lt's a bit like the Marx Brothers. They
had a fourth not very good Marx Brother.

281
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:05,757
They had Chico, Harpo, Groucho
and Ringo.

282
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,549
l'm reading a book
that has completely changed my life.

283
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:13,998
lt's called ''Erich von Däniken's
Hidden Holy Bible Code from Space''.

284
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,835
lt unlocks all the secret Bible revelations

285
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,594
that have lain hidden for millennia.

286
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,115
What did it for me is this thing here

287
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,238
about the phrase Jesus
uses in the New Testament,

288
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,439
''Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the Earth.''

289
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:34,991
The word ''meek'' is a mistranslation
from the Ancient Aramaic.

290
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:39,119
lt should translate as
''giant radioactive cockroach''.

291
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,637
Jesus said, ''Blessed are
the giant radioactive cockroaches,

292
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,234
''for they shall inherit the Earth.''

293
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,353
(Doorbell rings)

294
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,952
- Hi-ya!
- Hello.

295
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,872
Thanks.

296
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:57,272
l've got an lke-and-Tina-Turner-agram
for a bloke next door, but he isn't in.

297
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,396
Could you look after it?

298
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,677
- An lke-and-Tina-Turner-agram?
- Yes.

299
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,796
- OK, fine.
- Bring it in.

300
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,916
Thanks. Thank you.

301
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,640
- Hello. Come in.
- Thanks.

302
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,872
Come in. ln out of the rain. All right.

303
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,709
- Do you want a cup of tea?
- No, we're fine.

304
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,759
No thanks.
We don't want to be any trouble.

305
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,916
- So you do lke and Tina Turner?
- Yeah.

306
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,472
- Do you sing all the songs?
- Yeah.

307
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:37,760
- ''River Deep, Mountain High''?
- ''Nutbush City Limits'', the lot.

308
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:43,074
Great. When did you get into that?
Why did you decide to do it?

309
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,799
Just cos everybody said
we looked so much like them.

310
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,669
- So it was obvious really.
- lt was the thing to do.

311
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,398
Good.

312
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,070
- l'm just measuring up all the house.
- Please.

313
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,310
l'll just leave you to it.

314
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,436
(Woman) l'm leaving you, lke!

315
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:08,469
<i>As Ike and Tina practised recreating</i>
<i>domestic vioIence from the '60s,</i>

316
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,598
<i>I reaIised we aII want</i>
<i>to Iive in a big Iie.</i>

317
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,311
<i>Maybe because we wouIdn't cope</i>
<i>if we aIways heard the truth.</i>

318
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:21,395
(Man) 'The 1 7:20 to London Marylebone.
Why don't you go and take it?

319
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,711
'Go and take it with all the other robots.
Yeah, you!

320
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,111
'You think you're so cultured
because you've seen ''Cats'',

321
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,158
'you pampered, upper-class
drug-taking bitch!'

322
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:35,950
- Are you picking up the disabled group?
- Yes, l'm taking them for lunch.

323
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,839
- Bobby!
- l don't know how you do it.

324
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,231
<i>Martin and Marie are the</i>
<i>happiest coupIe in my area.</i>

325
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,756
<i>If anyone can cope with seeing</i>
<i>their inner seIves, it's them.</i>

326
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,959
- Will you be around for supper?
- No, l'll be seeing Jeff.

327
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,271
- Oh, listening to more of his problems?
- Hmm.

328
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,637
But l got a letter
from the TV company.

329
00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,749
They want to do that documentary
about married couples and film us.

330
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,276
Right, then.
l'd better be on my best behaviour.

331
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,396
Yeah, me too.

332
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:11,917
- l want your autograph!
- Bring a record out probably!

333
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,275
'What am l?'

334
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,670
Boing, boing, boing!

335
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,796
'l'm a kangaroo!'

336
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,748
- l think you're a fat, ugly cow.
- What?

337
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,436
- What are you doing?
- l didn't think they'd use that!

338
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,511
They make you look stupid!

339
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,832
(Announcer) 'Martin and Marie show
typical dysfunctional behaviour.'

340
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,719
- Just behave and calm down!
- Piss off!

341
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:37,835
(Barks)

342
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,959
Bobby, come here! Come here!
Come on, come to Mummy!

343
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,395
(Woman) lt's just cos
you're having a fight.

344
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,711
They're selective
about what they show.

345
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:52,032
- l'm going for more lager.
- Get me some more.

346
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:56,193
- (Announcer) 'Martin has lost control.'
- 'Pray for lager!'

347
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,272
They've taken this out of context.

348
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,113
Who did that crucifix of beer cans?

349
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:06,432
l made it ages ago.
We were just clowning around.

350
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,955
- (Barks)
- Shut up, Bobby!

351
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:14,035
(Yells) Stop...bloody...barking!

352
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,952
Oh!

353
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,588
- Give us a hand then!
- No!

354
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:24,073
They're making us look rather ridiculous
by just picking certain moments out.

355
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,437
l've just injected temazies in my leg

356
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,592
and the veins have gone all solid!

357
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,876
(Announcer) 'Next week
Marie and Martin

358
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,430
'trap squirrels to make hats
in ''A Family of Nutters''.'

359
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,275
? We're good at telly
We're so good at telly

360
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:45,389
? You're good at telly
l'm good at telly... ?

361
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,191
- lt's lovely pasta. Thank you.
- Great.

362
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,193
- Are you busy being lke and Tina?
- Yeah.

363
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,194
- Very busy.
- There he is! There he is, quick!

364
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:08,272
Quick, quick, go! There he goes!

365
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:12,399
- He's just gone in. Have a good one.
- Thank you very much.

366
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:17,315
- Shall l do the washing-up?
- No, just get into his house! Bye!

367
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,436
(Rings doorbell)

368
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,068
- Right. ls he coming?
- He's coming.

369
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,390
? Oh, wacka-wacka-wacka-wacka!

370
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,949
? A church house gin house

371
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,350
? A school house out-house

372
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,239
? On highway number nineteen

373
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,516
? The people keep
the city clean

374
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,399
? They call it Nutbush

375
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,074
? Oh, Nutbush

376
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:45,152
? They call it
Nutbush City Limits

377
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,788
? Nutbush City Limits! ?

378
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,871
? Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo

379
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,349
? Bam-da-da-da,
bam-bam

380
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,954
? When l was
a little girl

381
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,078
? l had a rag doll

382
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:03,268
? The only doll l ever owned

383
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:08,514
? And l'm gonna love you
the way l loved that rag doll

384
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,468
? - But only now my love has grown
- Doo-doo-doo

385
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:19,478
? And it gets stronger every day
And it gets deeper... ?