Anything yet?
Something about being very careful what you say.
Anything yet?
Something about being very careful what you say.
I just said that.
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Nature's bounty! So easy for anyone to enjoy.
You just literally pick it off the trees,
or, in the case of these blackberries, off the bushes.
We were planning to make a fruits of the forest dessert
using the berries we picked ourselves.
But Rory scratched himself picking this little lot.
That's right, dude! Blackberry bushes can be dangerous places, my friend.
So I'm taking him up to Casualty to get a tetanus jab.
You can't eat with lockjaw!
And by then it'll be getting dark. Oh, that's right, dude,
and woods in the dark can be dangerous places, my friend.
You said that one. So we'll probably just grab a bite back at the hotel.
In fact, The Bourne Supremacy is on tonight.
We could get room service and watch that.
Then have an early night!
You are cooking! You lit the gas!
BOTH: Come on!
You join me in the little church of Santa Maria
in the picturesque northern Italian town of Paluzza
to view a singular and inspirational item -
the Madonna della Moscardo.
As the Protestant forces swept southwards through Europe in 1527,
on their way to the Sack of Rome, they stopped at every church and chapel,
smashing any statue, any picture, any icon they could find.
Here in Paluzza they even destroyed the sacred vineyard,
the source of the town's renowned Communion wine.
Unbowed, unwilling to have their worship interrupted,
the villagers carved their own Madonna
from the trunk of an axed vine.
Thus the light of Catholic worship continued,
even in the darkest hour of the Reformation.
With the vineyard destroyed,
there was no wine with which to celebrate the Eucharist.
So the locals brewed their own libation,
from redcurrants, nettles and dandelion leaves.
It is potent, unpalatable even.
But to this day they still use the liquor in their Mass,
as a reminder of the power, the resilience
of their simple faith and courage in the face of hatred and fear.
Their sacrament, just like the priceless icon beside me,
thankfully survives untrammelled to this very day.
It came out of the blue.
One moment I was walking through the old quarter of Dubrovnik,
reconciling myself to lifelong bachelorhood,
you know, sheds and slipper style, like Uncle Tony.
And the next moment I've spotted this one,
and we have fallen instantly in love.
It was sort of a primal thing, I suppose.
And the fact that she doesn't speak English and I don't speak...
her...language, has made it all the more magical.
Just a wonderful, wonderful fairytale.
Help...me!
She's now learning English.
DANCE MUSIC
Whereupon I shall transport you on jet black wings of passion
to the lofty heights of delirium, to sleep, to sleep and wake no more.
How does that sound to your delicate little ear, my pretty?
Honestly? Just creepy.
Does it?
You still haven't answered my question.
How comes you're dressed up as a snooker player?
BOTH: Eugh! Eugh!
By Nijas's tears, during whose reign did women become so brusque?
I know not, friend.
Just endeavour to be glad of their shameless intoxication.
It would seem the devil's pollen has done much of our work for us.
Oh, Horschstadt, imagine what delights await us within.
Come. Let us fly like the sparks from Vulcan's very anvil.
WIND WHISTLES
A brace for entry into your establishment,
if it pleases you, my dear sir.
A night of ribaldry and, if I may dare, ravishment, awaits us.
No.
I beg your pardon?
Not in those shoes.
These were created by Puccini's personal shoemaker in 1884.
Not tonight, gents.
My good sir, in the dying embers of the 18th century,
I was an habitue of the legendary soirees of Giacomo Casanova.
And I'm Simon Cowell. Do one!
Hey, Pharius, Horschstadt! What's happening?
Yes, yes, good evening, thank you.
Raphael Marquez. My name's on the list.
Mr Marquez, er, perhaps we could accompany you...?
Er...laters!
Him, we're acquainted with him!
Yes, our names should be "down".
Name?
Paul. Paul what?
Jenkins...son.
There's no Paul Jenkinson here.
We work for an influential periodical. A startling review could be yours.
I know the DJ.
No.
He's my brother, I must help him carry his apparatus.
Come on, lads. No, I mean a friend of my brother,
his lodger, I've got his keys. Please.
He's going to be very, very angry if he doesn't get them.
Your position here will become untenable.
Don't make this unpleasant.
You threaten me, mortal? Then reveal thy wooden stake.
I'll knock your f... head off, pal.
I beg you to try. Then you, like many before you,
will meet the same fate as Prince Dorda of Serbia.
Now piss off!
Oh, my days, he's hit 'im!
No, no, no matter, no matter.
Come, Horschstadt. Let us go from here.
Perhaps we could have a little sit down in Subway for half an hour.
Well, whatever happened to global warming, eh?
Hmm.
Stop! From October 1st, if you say,
"Whatever happened to global warming, eh?"
whenever it's a bit cold or wet, you could be cooling off in a prison cell.
This leaflet is being sent to every household in Britain.
You have until September 30th to learn the difference between climate,
a long-term trend averaged over many years,
and weather, which is what's going on outside the window right now.
Make sure you study it, because if you don't,
the next shower you get caught in could be in the prison wash block.
Will you look at this weather, eh?
Still, I'm sure it will all average out statistically
to indicate a long-term warming trend.
Global warming quips. Get acclimatised.
GRUNTING:
Wife?
I've definitely got the right skill set. Well, yes,
it's just a question of whether you can adapt to the smaller company.
Different ethos.
Is that something you've considered?
It's one of my main reasons for moving.
You know, I feel there's more opportunity
to develop professionally within a smaller, more immediate framework.
Great, well, I think that's covered everything we wanted to at this stage.
Obviously we'll be in touch when we have some news. Great.
Was there anything you wanted to ask us?
Yeah, how about a threesome?
Are there any parking spaces?
I can always park and ride, not that sort of ride. I'm going to head off.
Right, that's legally yours now.
Thank you, you've been a really great help.
Oh, it's like Piccadilly Circus in here today.
Can I help you, love?
It's my hen do.
Ooh, is it really?
Yeah. We've just come in to buy something sexy for the wedding night.
And are you planning to be sober by then,
or are you going to drink through all the intervening days?
Hey, what about these?
Now, to me that's more like something you should be buying onions in.
If you're not careful, they make your pubic region
look like a llama trapped in a shrimping net.
We've just been for a wax.
Ooh, a wax.
We're not big fans of depilation. You should have seen Yvonne's face
when I explained to her what a Brazilian was.
I'll never look at Pele in the same way again.
Chocolate willy kit?
That's right, love, it's a chocolate paste.
You're supposed to paint it on him when he's in a state of arousal.
Slightly unfortunate in use, though.
Tends to make your lover's equipment look like a factory-reject Mars bar.
And that's a charitable description.
Funny they call it a hen night, isn't it, Yvonne? You know how hens do it?
The rooster chases the female,
grabs hold of her feathers in his beak, climbs aboard.
Whole thing takes about ten minutes.
Whereas, on average, married couple, three and a half.
Not a problem with my fella. He could keep going for England.
Oh, what's that, then? Scrapes through the early stages,
a sudden sense of "ooh, we could do this",
before the inevitable disappointment
when he crashes out before the climax?
What's this? Never you mind what that is.
It's all right, I'm quite broad-minded.
Well, all I'll say is, if you were to rub a bit of this on him downstairs,
he'd go into an absolute frenzy.
Bag it up.
Compliments of the house.
Thanks.
Bye! Bye, then!
That was your Deep Heat, wasn't it?
Yes.
She's in for an interesting night.
Mind you, so am I.
If my sciatica comes on, I'll have to treat it with Tingle Lube.
Right, you're watching the News Channel, with the time at 3.46 am.
I'm told our reporter Greg Parish is now in our studio in Turkistan
with some breaking news.
Greg, I believe we have a final result in the elections?
About five or six. Yeah, I'd have thought.
Greg, wake up, you're live on air.
Ah, yes, Tom, yes, I do have a result here from the election.
The polls have closed
and I can tell you that the official winner of the elections here is...
Yes, yes, I am aware I am live on air
and I am most certainly very much awake.
Yeah, I do apologise. We seem to have a rather long delay on the line.
Simple misunderstanding, Greg, it's a little thing known as a satellite delay.
OK, I'll just go for it. Yeah, yeah.
After years of oppression here, the locals have voted with their feet...
Yes, I am aware of the concept of time delay, strangely enough, Tom.
Perhaps if you hadn't been so busy in make-up just now,
we could have tested the link.
Greg, simple questions and answers.
Fire away, fire away...
Who won the election?
President Al Tarik.
What was the margin?
57 per cent.
And this must be a real boost to the economy?
Bit like your bar tab.
Yes, Tom, a massive boost to the financial sector here...
Well, what's that supposed to mean?
A few drinks in the Hilton in a warzone, it's hardly party time, Tom!
Look, we've got to stop this, it's getting a little bit out of hand.
I can't believe this is live, I can't believe that.
Greg, when you hear this, just nod, then wait and I'll ask you a question.
Nod if you're a prick.
Hmm, yes.
Oh, you child!
I really have got a tremendously fat bottom.
When I brush my teeth and I'm in the nude, my bottom wobbles.
I mean, it really does, it really wobbles.
Fortunately, Jeremy is not a big fan of a firm bottom, are you, Jeremy?
Er...no, no.
Planning a trip? An adventure?
It's always an adventure with my lot.
Right. What kind of trip are you going on?
Just a camping trip. You know, good old-fashioned family camping trip.
Right. Well, these should be fine, then.
Oh, great. Yeah.
Do you mind if I, um...?
No, go for it.
Oh, wow, it's very colourful, isn't it?
Yeah, they're quite good fun.
What is the problem in here?
Will you two just shut up and go to sleep? Now, give me the torch.
Give it to me! Ow! Jennifer, give me the bloody torch!
It's quite nice, isn't it?
Um...I'm wondering if I should go bigger.
Er, like that one, maybe?
Right.
This is great, isn't it. Very roomy.
Oh, look, they've got a little cooker thing. That's good, isn't it?
That's not included in the price of the tent.
Yes, no, no, I can manage. Thank you, Sandra, I'll do it. Get off!
Get off! Arrgh! Ow!
Holy piss, that burns! It really burns!
Yes, thank you, Sandra.
Thank you so much. The holiday's off to a great start, isn't it?
I really like this area.
Yeah, no, it's good. You can eat here even if it's raining.
Yeah, yes.
Cos you've got the... GULPING
What?
Oh, shut up!
HISSES Yeah, I can see you all, judging me.
No, YOU keep it down, mate. Oh, yeah? Come on, then!
Yeah? Come on!
No, I like it, yeah. Very good. So these are the bedrooms back here?
Yeah. Er, yeah, master bedroom on the left.
Oh, right. This'll be for the kids, then.
GRUNTS AND GROANS
Oh!
Oh, God! Oh, shit, sorry.
Yeah, well, I haven't had as much practice as you have recently, have I?
Oh, come on, Sandra, what do you mean?
You think I don't know about Phillipe, yeah? I'm not an idiot. I'm not blind!
Oliver, it's nothing, go back to bed.
You know what? I'm leaving.
It's over, Sandra. This holiday, this marriage, everything.
I just can't take it any more!
Yes, I know it's raining, Oliver! Get back into bed!
I've tried so hard!
Why? Why, why?
Yeah, I'll take it.
Do you do sleeping bags?
Janine!
And if the bride just places her signature there.
That's lovely. And the groom just there. Thank you.
Right. Well, you are now well and truly married. Many congratulations.
Right, shall we?
Threesome? Yeah, I'd love to.
Or...just go through to the next room, yeah, that's...
Hey, hey, hey! Jonathan, I guess? Excellent stuff.
Welcome aboard, glad to have you on the team. This way.
We've been looking for someone like you for some while now.
Thanks for giving me a chance.
Giving you a chance? Sir, you're a gift from the gods.
Your CV made no sense. No sense at all, I'm still trying to work it out now.
You've got four different fonts in the first line,
whole paragraphs of nonsense cluttering up the pages.
Jonathan, it's this kind of impenetrable gibberish
that makes you perfect for us. You are going to fit right in.
Can't wait to get started.
You are going to love it. First up, what's your full name?
Jonathan Clark. What? Can't have that.
Margaret, set up a new e-mail account in the name Pedro Coolihue.
'No problem.'
Where were you before this, Jonathan?
I would check your CV, but under "previous experience"
it's just got the phrase "misapplication of Tiny Christs".
Yes, I was at the Replica Watches Warehouse.
Ah, the watch game, know it well. Spent a few weeks in watches myself,
in between flogging degrees
and working for some Nigerian king who never paid me!
Crazy days! Elastico Newheart is upstairs, he'll show you the ropes.
You'll spend the first few weeks just firing off e-mails
on behalf of the Upsized Dudes Community.
Just so you know, your benefits here include 28 days' holiday
and all the meds you can eat.
Sounds great.
Oh, and Jonathan, we're having a few drinks round mine this evening.
You're more than welcome to come.
Thanks. Thanks very much.
Nothing to do with me. My wife just e-mailed the entire department
saying she was home alone, lonely and ready to party.
PLUMMY ACCENTS All right, blud? Wh'appen?
Has you done all that work we was supposed to do for this morning?
No, man, I ain't done none of it. You done it?
What? Are you calling me a nerd and a swot and all this?
Of course I ain't done it, I is nails.
We's going to be in so much trouble with Sir, isn't it?
Fo sho. He's gonna mash us up big stylee.
How long did he give us to do this work?
Two and a half years?
But my nan died, my uncle went to court, and my other nan died,
I got verruca, had to go clinic, then I had to go haircut,
then I had to go dentist, then my granddad died.
Same here.
Sit.
Gentlemen, you've been on attachment here for two and a half years.
Last time we spoke, you assured me
that you were on the verge of cracking the enemy's Enigma code.
Now, you know as well as anyone that if we could decode Nazi messages,
we'll shorten this damn war.
For sho, and then the Germans will be owned, blud.
You know what I mean? Fail!
War fail!
Epic war fail!
Isn't it?
So there's no time to lose. Gentlemen, have you cracked it?
Yes. You have?
Yes, we've, like, totally worked it out.
At first we were like, "What is this shit? It don't make no sense.
"This is like when you see your mum without her glasses
"and it don't look like your mum no more and you're scared."
Yeah, for real. But then we worked it out.
It was all, like, maths and long division and times-ing
and carry the four remainder two, that sort of business.
Astounding news. Right, we intercepted this message last night.
What does it say? Can you decode it?
Yes. Go on.
OK, it goes, hmm... "Dear Hitler..."
It's a message for the Fuhrer himself?
Yeah, fo sho.
It says, "Dear Hitler, who is actually leader of Germany, or whoever,
"I hope you is OK. I is OK. I hope your mum is OK and your dad and shit."
It does actually say that.
"We is best at war and fighting and we is going to beat England at doing war,
"because they is all, like, girls and benders and I'm not even lying."
"Lots of love and hugs, Goebbels," who is one of their main other ones.
That's what it says?
Are you calling us liars and fakes and all this? Cos I ain't no fake, blud.
I tell it like it is with no BS
and what you see is what you get, so deal with it, girlfriend.
You've really offended his feelings and all this and everything else.
It was kind of like an assault, only with words.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We have a number of other messages that urgently need decoding,
so if you could get started...
Hold on, hold on, I hadn't finished reading.
"PS, we heard that there is these two really clever sexy guys in England
"what have worked out our code."
(That's us.)
"So we will be changing coding machines immediately
"and the messages will be even harder to understand.
"Lots of love, more hugs and shit, etc."
So we can't do no more decoding, blud. Soz.
Right, well, it looks like you two should go back to your unit, then.
I believe they're about to go on a sortie over Berlin.
Is it? Right. Berlin. Oh, that's great, isn't it?
Isn't it? Brilliant.
Have I mentioned my verruca?
Oh, and it's got that guy in it, um...
You know the guy who played the cab driver in that Tom Cruise film?
What the hell was his name?
Oh, I know who you mean.
Um, he was in that Ray... Foxx! Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx, yeah.
Anyway, he plays this vigilante in this and he's...
Oh, that's the Clarendon Arms!
I used to meet Henry Clarke in there
when we were going out with each other.
Mum, is it all right if I stay over at Tom's on Friday?
Yeah, I think so. Gary, is that all right if Dan stays over at Tom's?
Happy Christmas, love.
Thanks, Mum. Happy Christmas!
And...Happy Christmas, Gary.
Mum, Dad. This is Joshua.
Joshua. He's asleep.
Oh, oh, hello. You're a grandpa, Gary!
Oh!
Hello!
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION
He's slipping away now, it won't be long. I'll leave you in peace.
"Ooh, I used to meet Henry Clarke in there
"when we were going out with each other! Oooh!"
It's eight minutes past four.
Let's cross back now to our intrepid reporter, Greg Parish.
I understand Greg is now fully aware of the satellite delay.
Greg, what hope can Turkistan's opposition leader now have
for retaining control of his party?
How small's your penis?
Very little, very little indeed, unfortunately.
Thank you.
No!
Oh. Ladies, be my guest. Oh, and they say chivalry's dead.
Well, there are a few of us old fogeys trying to keep it alive.
Tell you what, why don't we share it?
Yeah, jump in. Where do you want to go?
Oh, I'd like to go on top.
Sorry?
Into town would be great. The Arndale Centre?
No, actually, I think I'll walk. Yeah. Good.
FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC
'January the er...vingt et un, vingt et un...
'Twenty and one.
'It is very hard for me to write in English,
'because I am speaking so much the French now.
'I am living in the Paris since the six months
'and my old life in Reading is like a long-distance memory.
'I adore the France, her art, her culture
'and anyway, I was never really happy at Oddbins.'
< English?
Oui, bien sur.
I'm so sorry, yes. Yes, of course.
My train goes not,
so I must a nearby street reasonable price young man hostel find.
Can you to me a nearby street reasonable price young man hostel recommend?
Or is there no nearby street reasonable price young man hostel available?
Apologies, my English is very bad.
What is this thing that is this thing that is this thing that you ask?
Slowly, please? Since two months I am in Germany
and my English is very, very, very, very tiny.
Sorry, sorry, I can't even get the gist.
Originally came I from Norwich. Now am I in Munchen living.
Ah, you wish to make a pee-pee? It's at the other side of the bar. That is OK.
I will go and see if I can find someone more good English speaking.
Desolated. No matter.
Until we see each other, thanks. Of nothing.
Can you lend me 20 euros?
Back to our reporter Greg Parish, who is gracing our studio in Turkistan.
Greg, do you get a sense of public relief at the election result?
Do you pay for sex?
Yes, I do, yes, I very much do, yeah.
Oh, you really are a twat!