1
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,320
Anything yet?

2
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,960
Something about being
very careful what you say.

3
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,040
Anything yet?

4
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,520
Something about being
very careful what you say.

5
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,280
I just said that.

6
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,000
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Nature's bounty!
So easy for anyone to enjoy.

7
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,000
You just literally
pick it off the trees,

8
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,880
or, in the case of these
blackberries, off the bushes.

9
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,800
We were planning to make
a fruits of the forest dessert

10
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,280
using the berries
we picked ourselves.

11
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,760
But Rory scratched himself
picking this little lot.

12
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,320
That's right, dude! Blackberry bushes
can be dangerous places, my friend.

13
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,760
So I'm taking him up to Casualty
to get a tetanus jab.

14
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:30,800
You can't eat with lockjaw!

15
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,280
And by then it'll be getting dark.
Oh, that's right, dude,

16
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,880
and woods in the dark
can be dangerous places, my friend.

17
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,120
You said that one. So we'll probably
just grab a bite back at the hotel.

18
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,840
In fact, The Bourne Supremacy
is on tonight.

19
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,440
We could get room service
and watch that.

20
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,480
Then have an early night!

21
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,360
You are cooking!
You lit the gas!

22
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,240
BOTH: Come on!

23
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:00,440
You join me in the little church
of Santa Maria

24
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,920
in the picturesque
northern Italian town of Paluzza

25
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,560
to view a singular
and inspirational item -

26
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,360
the Madonna della Moscardo.

27
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:14,720
As the Protestant forces swept
southwards through Europe in 1527,

28
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,760
on their way to the Sack of Rome, they
stopped at every church and chapel,

29
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,080
smashing any statue, any picture,
any icon they could find.

30
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,920
Here in Paluzza they even destroyed
the sacred vineyard,

31
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:30,560
the source of the town's
renowned Communion wine.

32
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,480
Unbowed, unwilling
to have their worship interrupted,

33
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,200
the villagers
carved their own Madonna

34
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,880
from the trunk of an axed vine.

35
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:44,880
Thus the light
of Catholic worship continued,

36
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:49,640
even in the darkest hour
of the Reformation.

37
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,280
With the vineyard destroyed,

38
00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,040
there was no wine with which
to celebrate the Eucharist.

39
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,800
So the locals
brewed their own libation,

40
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,280
from redcurrants, nettles
and dandelion leaves.

41
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,040
It is potent, unpalatable even.

42
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:13,960
But to this day they still use
the liquor in their Mass,

43
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,760
as a reminder of the power,
the resilience

44
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:22,520
of their simple faith and courage
in the face of hatred and fear.

45
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,840
Their sacrament, just like
the priceless icon beside me,

46
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,720
thankfully survives untrammelled
to this very day.

47
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,720
It came out of the blue.

48
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,080
One moment I was walking through
the old quarter of Dubrovnik,

49
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,640
reconciling myself
to lifelong bachelorhood,

50
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,880
you know, sheds and slipper style,
like Uncle Tony.

51
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,720
And the next moment
I've spotted this one,

52
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,680
and we have fallen instantly in love.

53
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,920
It was sort of a primal thing,
I suppose.

54
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,440
And the fact that she doesn't speak
English and I don't speak...

55
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,440
her...language,
has made it all the more magical.

56
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,840
Just a wonderful, wonderful
fairytale.

57
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,360
Help...me!

58
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,320
She's now learning English.

59
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,320
DANCE MUSIC

60
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:32,720
Whereupon I shall transport you
on jet black wings of passion

61
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:38,240
to the lofty heights of delirium,
to sleep, to sleep and wake no more.

62
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,720
How does that sound to your
delicate little ear, my pretty?

63
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,640
Honestly? Just creepy.

64
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:46,960
Does it?

65
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,720
You still haven't answered
my question.

66
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,840
How comes you're dressed up
as a snooker player?

67
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:53,720
BOTH: Eugh! Eugh!

68
00:04:55,960 --> 00:05:00,160
By Nijas's tears, during whose reign
did women become so brusque?

69
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,720
I know not, friend.

70
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,720
Just endeavour to be glad
of their shameless intoxication.

71
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,720
It would seem the devil's pollen
has done much of our work for us.

72
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:13,160
Oh, Horschstadt, imagine
what delights await us within.

73
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,880
Come. Let us fly like the sparks
from Vulcan's very anvil.

74
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,800
WIND WHISTLES

75
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,920
A brace for entry
into your establishment,

76
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,840
if it pleases you, my dear sir.

77
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:35,080
A night of ribaldry and, if I
may dare, ravishment, awaits us.

78
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,120
No.

79
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,280
I beg your pardon?

80
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,480
Not in those shoes.

81
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:47,880
These were created by Puccini's
personal shoemaker in 1884.

82
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:48,920
Not tonight, gents.

83
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,240
My good sir, in the dying embers
of the 18th century,

84
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,400
I was an habitue of the legendary
soirees of Giacomo Casanova.

85
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,240
And I'm Simon Cowell. Do one!

86
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,800
Hey, Pharius, Horschstadt!
What's happening?

87
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,920
Yes, yes, good evening, thank you.

88
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,640
Raphael Marquez.
My name's on the list.

89
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,080
Mr Marquez, er,
perhaps we could accompany you...?

90
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,920
Er...laters!

91
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,640
Him, we're acquainted with him!

92
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,560
Yes, our names should be "down".

93
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,000
Name?

94
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,120
Paul. Paul what?

95
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,680
Jenkins...son.

96
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,800
There's no Paul Jenkinson here.

97
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,480
We work for an influential periodical.
A startling review could be yours.

98
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,960
I know the DJ.

99
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,080
No.

100
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:31,000
He's my brother,
I must help him carry his apparatus.

101
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,920
Come on, lads.
No, I mean a friend of my brother,

102
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,680
his lodger, I've got his keys.
Please.

103
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,640
He's going to be very, very angry
if he doesn't get them.

104
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,240
Your position here
will become untenable.

105
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,400
Don't make this unpleasant.

106
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,920
You threaten me, mortal?
Then reveal thy wooden stake.

107
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,600
I'll knock your f... head off, pal.

108
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,640
I beg you to try.
Then you, like many before you,

109
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,760
will meet the same fate
as Prince Dorda of Serbia.

110
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,480
Now piss off!

111
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,280
Oh, my days, he's hit 'im!

112
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,960
No, no, no matter, no matter.

113
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,320
Come, Horschstadt.
Let us go from here.

114
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,480
Perhaps we could have a little
sit down in Subway for half an hour.

115
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:12,320
Well, whatever happened to
global warming, eh?

116
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,480
Hmm.

117
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,040
Stop! From October 1st, if you say,

118
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,520
"Whatever happened to global warming,
eh?"

119
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:24,240
whenever it's a bit cold or wet,
you could be cooling off in a prison cell.

120
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:28,800
This leaflet is being sent
to every household in Britain.

121
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:33,400
You have until September 30th
to learn the difference between climate,

122
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,280
a long-term trend
averaged over many years,

123
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,240
and weather, which is what's going on
outside the window right now.

124
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,440
Make sure you study it,
because if you don't,

125
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:48,600
the next shower you get caught in
could be in the prison wash block.

126
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,600
Will you look at this weather, eh?

127
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,320
Still, I'm sure it will
all average out statistically

128
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,560
to indicate a long-term
warming trend.

129
00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:01,040
Global warming quips.
Get acclimatised.

130
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,960
GRUNTING:

131
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,440
Wife?

132
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,120
Wife?

133
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,000
I've definitely got the right
skill set. Well, yes,

134
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,040
it's just a question of whether you
can adapt to the smaller company.

135
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,240
Different ethos.

136
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,840
Is that something you've considered?

137
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,680
It's one of my main reasons
for moving.

138
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,680
You know, I feel there's
more opportunity

139
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:59,160
to develop professionally within
a smaller, more immediate framework.

140
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,760
Great, well, I think that's covered
everything we wanted to at this stage.

141
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,600
Obviously we'll be in touch
when we have some news. Great.

142
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,360
Was there anything
you wanted to ask us?

143
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:08,520
Yeah, how about a threesome?

144
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,800
Are there any parking spaces?

145
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,680
I can always park and ride, not that
sort of ride. I'm going to head off.

146
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,320
Right, that's legally yours now.

147
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,080
Thank you,
you've been a really great help.

148
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,520
Oh, it's like Piccadilly Circus
in here today.

149
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,400
Can I help you, love?

150
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,640
It's my hen do.

151
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,200
Ooh, is it really?

152
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:49,280
Yeah. We've just come in to buy
something sexy for the wedding night.

153
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,920
And are you planning to be sober
by then,

154
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,680
or are you going to drink
through all the intervening days?

155
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,360
Hey, what about these?

156
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,240
Now, to me that's more like something
you should be buying onions in.

157
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,120
If you're not careful,
they make your pubic region

158
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,840
look like a llama
trapped in a shrimping net.

159
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,920
We've just been for a wax.

160
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,840
Ooh, a wax.

161
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:16,200
We're not big fans of depilation.
You should have seen Yvonne's face

162
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,240
when I explained to her
what a Brazilian was.

163
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,280
I'll never look at Pele
in the same way again.

164
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,320
Chocolate willy kit?

165
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,800
That's right, love,
it's a chocolate paste.

166
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:29,520
You're supposed to paint it on him
when he's in a state of arousal.

167
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,800
Slightly unfortunate in use, though.

168
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,520
Tends to make your lover's equipment
look like a factory-reject Mars bar.

169
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,640
And that's a charitable description.

170
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,440
Funny they call it a hen night, isn't it,
Yvonne? You know how hens do it?

171
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,560
The rooster chases the female,

172
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,480
grabs hold of her feathers
in his beak, climbs aboard.

173
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,520
Whole thing takes about ten minutes.

174
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,640
Whereas, on average,
married couple, three and a half.

175
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,840
Not a problem with my fella.
He could keep going for England.

176
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:01,640
Oh, what's that, then?
Scrapes through the early stages,

177
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,800
a sudden sense
of "ooh, we could do this",

178
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,400
before the inevitable disappointment

179
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,000
when he crashes out
before the climax?

180
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,440
What's this?
Never you mind what that is.

181
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,560
It's all right,
I'm quite broad-minded.

182
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,600
Well, all I'll say is, if you were to
rub a bit of this on him downstairs,

183
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,040
he'd go into an absolute frenzy.

184
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,360
Bag it up.

185
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,840
Compliments of the house.

186
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,160
Thanks.

187
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,840
Bye! Bye, then!

188
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,000
That was your Deep Heat, wasn't it?

189
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,040
Yes.

190
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,680
She's in for an interesting night.

191
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,800
Mind you, so am I.

192
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,680
If my sciatica comes on, I'll
have to treat it with Tingle Lube.

193
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:48,280
Right, you're watching the News Channel,
with the time at 3.46 am.

194
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:52,320
I'm told our reporter Greg Parish
is now in our studio in Turkistan

195
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,920
with some breaking news.

196
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,720
Greg, I believe we have
a final result in the elections?

197
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,600
About five or six.
Yeah, I'd have thought.

198
00:13:58,600 --> 00:13:59,960
Greg, wake up, you're live on air.

199
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:04,840
Ah, yes, Tom, yes, I do have
a result here from the election.

200
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:05,880
The polls have closed

201
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,520
and I can tell you that the official
winner of the elections here is...

202
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,560
Yes, yes, I am aware I am live on air

203
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,040
and I am most certainly
very much awake.

204
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,600
Yeah, I do apologise. We seem to have
a rather long delay on the line.

205
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,520
Simple misunderstanding, Greg, it's a
little thing known as a satellite delay.

206
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,600
OK, I'll just go for it. Yeah, yeah.

207
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:26,040
After years of oppression here, the
locals have voted with their feet...

208
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:30,160
Yes, I am aware of the concept of
time delay, strangely enough, Tom.

209
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,120
Perhaps if you hadn't been so busy
in make-up just now,

210
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,600
we could have tested the link.

211
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,880
Greg, simple questions and answers.

212
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,080
Fire away, fire away...

213
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,920
Who won the election?

214
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,000
President Al Tarik.

215
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,880
What was the margin?

216
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,680
57 per cent.

217
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,600
And this must be
a real boost to the economy?

218
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,200
Bit like your bar tab.

219
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,360
Yes, Tom, a massive boost
to the financial sector here...

220
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,320
Well, what's that supposed to mean?

221
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,080
A few drinks in the Hilton in a warzone,
it's hardly party time, Tom!

222
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,600
Look, we've got to stop this, it's
getting a little bit out of hand.

223
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,560
I can't believe this is live,
I can't believe that.

224
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,640
Greg, when you hear this, just nod,
then wait and I'll ask you a question.

225
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,160
Nod if you're a prick.

226
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,720
Hmm, yes.

227
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,440
Oh, you child!

228
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,480
I really have got
a tremendously fat bottom.

229
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:31,920
When I brush my teeth and
I'm in the nude, my bottom wobbles.

230
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,320
I mean, it really does,
it really wobbles.

231
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:39,840
Fortunately, Jeremy is not a big fan
of a firm bottom, are you, Jeremy?

232
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,320
Er...no, no.

233
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,400
Planning a trip? An adventure?

234
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,240
It's always an adventure
with my lot.

235
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,040
Right. What kind of trip
are you going on?

236
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,800
Just a camping trip. You know, good
old-fashioned family camping trip.

237
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,760
Right.
Well, these should be fine, then.

238
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,360
Oh, great. Yeah.

239
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,480
Do you mind if I, um...?

240
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,000
No, go for it.

241
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,400
Oh, wow, it's very colourful,
isn't it?

242
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,400
Yeah, they're quite good fun.

243
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,200
What is the problem in here?

244
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,600
Will you two just shut up and go to
sleep? Now, give me the torch.

245
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:25,400
Give it to me! Ow!
Jennifer, give me the bloody torch!

246
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,280
It's quite nice, isn't it?

247
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:31,120
Um...I'm wondering
if I should go bigger.

248
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,520
Er, like that one, maybe?

249
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,760
Right.

250
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,600
This is great, isn't it. Very roomy.

251
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,360
Oh, look, they've got a little
cooker thing. That's good, isn't it?

252
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,120
That's not included
in the price of the tent.

253
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:48,360
Yes, no, no, I can manage. Thank
you, Sandra, I'll do it. Get off!

254
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,280
Get off! Arrgh! Ow!

255
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,000
Holy piss, that burns!
It really burns!

256
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,160
Yes, thank you, Sandra.

257
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,280
Thank you so much. The holiday's
off to a great start, isn't it?

258
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,120
I really like this area.

259
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,800
Yeah, no, it's good. You can
eat here even if it's raining.

260
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:11,840
Yeah, yes.

261
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,920
Cos you've got the...
GULPING

262
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,720
What?

263
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,120
Oh, shut up!

264
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:29,040
HISSES
Yeah, I can see you all, judging me.

265
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,200
No, YOU keep it down, mate.
Oh, yeah? Come on, then!

266
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,440
Yeah? Come on!

267
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:43,920
No, I like it, yeah. Very good.
So these are the bedrooms back here?

268
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,080
Yeah. Er, yeah,
master bedroom on the left.

269
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,680
Oh, right. This'll be for the kids,
then.

270
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,320
GRUNTS AND GROANS

271
00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,480
Oh!

272
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,080
Oh, God! Oh, shit, sorry.

273
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:05,200
Yeah, well, I haven't had as much
practice as you have recently, have I?

274
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,640
Oh, come on, Sandra,
what do you mean?

275
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:12,920
You think I don't know about Phillipe,
yeah? I'm not an idiot. I'm not blind!

276
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,640
Oliver, it's nothing,
go back to bed.

277
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,280
You know what? I'm leaving.

278
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:23,520
It's over, Sandra. This holiday,
this marriage, everything.

279
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,880
I just can't take it any more!

280
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,800
Yes, I know it's raining, Oliver!
Get back into bed!

281
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,800
I've tried so hard!

282
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,960
Why? Why, why?

283
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,400
Yeah, I'll take it.

284
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,920
Do you do sleeping bags?

285
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,480
Janine!

286
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:58,120
And if the bride
just places her signature there.

287
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:05,200
That's lovely.
And the groom just there. Thank you.

288
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:15,520
Right. Well, you are now well and
truly married. Many congratulations.

289
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,200
Right, shall we?

290
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,320
Threesome? Yeah, I'd love to.

291
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:26,840
Or...just go through to
the next room, yeah, that's...

292
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,160
Hey, hey, hey! Jonathan, I guess?
Excellent stuff.

293
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,080
Welcome aboard, glad to have you
on the team. This way.

294
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,600
We've been looking for someone
like you for some while now.

295
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,840
Thanks for giving me a chance.

296
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,720
Giving you a chance?
Sir, you're a gift from the gods.

297
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:46,040
Your CV made no sense. No sense at
all, I'm still trying to work it out now.

298
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,160
You've got four different fonts
in the first line,

299
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,560
whole paragraphs of nonsense
cluttering up the pages.

300
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,200
Jonathan, it's this kind
of impenetrable gibberish

301
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,320
that makes you perfect for us.
You are going to fit right in.

302
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,120
Can't wait to get started.

303
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,120
You are going to love it.
First up, what's your full name?

304
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,960
Jonathan Clark.
What? Can't have that.

305
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,240
Margaret, set up a new e-mail account
in the name Pedro Coolihue.

306
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:06,640
'No problem.'

307
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:07,920
Where were you before this, Jonathan?

308
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,240
I would check your CV,
but under "previous experience"

309
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,800
it's just got the phrase
"misapplication of Tiny Christs".

310
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,480
Yes, I was at
the Replica Watches Warehouse.

311
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,360
Ah, the watch game, know it well.
Spent a few weeks in watches myself,

312
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,480
in between flogging degrees

313
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,800
and working for some Nigerian king
who never paid me!

314
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,400
Crazy days! Elastico Newheart is
upstairs, he'll show you the ropes.

315
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,280
You'll spend the first few weeks
just firing off e-mails

316
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,520
on behalf of the Upsized Dudes
Community.

317
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,320
Just so you know, your benefits here
include 28 days' holiday

318
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,680
and all the meds you can eat.

319
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,720
Sounds great.

320
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,880
Oh, and Jonathan, we're having
a few drinks round mine this evening.

321
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,360
You're more than welcome to come.

322
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,360
Thanks. Thanks very much.

323
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,880
Nothing to do with me. My wife
just e-mailed the entire department

324
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,400
saying she was home alone,
lonely and ready to party.

325
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,400
PLUMMY ACCENTS
All right, blud? Wh'appen?

326
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,440
Has you done all that work we was
supposed to do for this morning?

327
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,760
No, man, I ain't done none of it.
You done it?

328
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,520
What? Are you calling me a nerd
and a swot and all this?

329
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,000
Of course I ain't done it,
I is nails.

330
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,880
We's going to be in so much trouble
with Sir, isn't it?

331
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,720
Fo sho. He's gonna mash us up
big stylee.

332
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,200
How long did he give us
to do this work?

333
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,480
Two and a half years?

334
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,880
But my nan died, my uncle went to
court, and my other nan died,

335
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,000
I got verruca, had to go clinic,
then I had to go haircut,

336
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,120
then I had to go dentist,
then my granddad died.

337
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,640
Same here.

338
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,200
Sit.

339
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:43,680
Gentlemen, you've been on attachment
here for two and a half years.

340
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,320
Last time we spoke, you assured me

341
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,400
that you were on the verge of
cracking the enemy's Enigma code.

342
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:53,200
Now, you know as well as anyone that
if we could decode Nazi messages,

343
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,960
we'll shorten this damn war.

344
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,760
For sho, and then the Germans
will be owned, blud.

345
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,360
You know what I mean? Fail!

346
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,920
War fail!

347
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,280
Epic war fail!

348
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,000
Isn't it?

349
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,600
So there's no time to lose.
Gentlemen, have you cracked it?

350
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,440
Yes. You have?

351
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,000
Yes, we've, like,
totally worked it out.

352
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,520
At first we were like, "What is this
shit? It don't make no sense.

353
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,640
"This is like when you see your mum
without her glasses

354
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,800
"and it don't look like your mum
no more and you're scared."

355
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,760
Yeah, for real.
But then we worked it out.

356
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,280
It was all, like, maths
and long division and times-ing

357
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,040
and carry the four remainder two,
that sort of business.

358
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,480
Astounding news. Right, we
intercepted this message last night.

359
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,320
What does it say? Can you decode it?

360
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,760
Yes. Go on.

361
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:42,240
OK, it goes, hmm... "Dear Hitler..."

362
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,640
It's a message for the Fuhrer
himself?

363
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:45,680
Yeah, fo sho.

364
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:50,400
It says, "Dear Hitler, who is actually
leader of Germany, or whoever,

365
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:57,200
"I hope you is OK. I is OK. I hope
your mum is OK and your dad and shit."

366
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,080
It does actually say that.

367
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:03,840
"We is best at war and fighting and we
is going to beat England at doing war,

368
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:08,120
"because they is all, like, girls
and benders and I'm not even lying."

369
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:16,120
"Lots of love and hugs, Goebbels,"
who is one of their main other ones.

370
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,120
That's what it says?

371
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,040
Are you calling us liars and fakes and
all this? Cos I ain't no fake, blud.

372
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,240
I tell it like it is with no BS

373
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,840
and what you see is what you get,
so deal with it, girlfriend.

374
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,640
You've really offended his feelings
and all this and everything else.

375
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,880
It was kind of like an assault,
only with words.

376
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:30,920
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

377
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,080
We have a number of other messages
that urgently need decoding,

378
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,600
so if you could get started...

379
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,880
Hold on, hold on,
I hadn't finished reading.

380
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:42,440
"PS, we heard that there is these two
really clever sexy guys in England

381
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,280
"what have worked out our code."

382
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,320
(That's us.)

383
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,760
"So we will be changing
coding machines immediately

384
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,160
"and the messages
will be even harder to understand.

385
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,960
"Lots of love,
more hugs and shit, etc."

386
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,560
So we can't do
no more decoding, blud. Soz.

387
00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:01,720
Right, well, it looks like you two
should go back to your unit, then.

388
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,080
I believe they're about to
go on a sortie over Berlin.

389
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:10,400
Is it? Right. Berlin.
Oh, that's great, isn't it?

390
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,040
Isn't it? Brilliant.

391
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,640
Have I mentioned my verruca?

392
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,200
Oh, and it's got that guy in it,
um...

393
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,800
You know the guy who played the
cab driver in that Tom Cruise film?

394
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,240
What the hell was his name?

395
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:25,840
Oh, I know who you mean.

396
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:28,960
Um, he was in that Ray...
Foxx! Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx, yeah.

397
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,000
Anyway, he plays this vigilante
in this and he's...

398
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,280
Oh, that's the Clarendon Arms!

399
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,240
I used to meet Henry Clarke in there

400
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,200
when we were going out
with each other.

401
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,880
Mum, is it all right if I stay over
at Tom's on Friday?

402
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,480
Yeah, I think so. Gary, is that all
right if Dan stays over at Tom's?

403
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,360
Happy Christmas, love.

404
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,800
Thanks, Mum. Happy Christmas!

405
00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:00,320
And...Happy Christmas, Gary.

406
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,880
Mum, Dad. This is Joshua.

407
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,560
Joshua. He's asleep.

408
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:14,840
Oh, oh, hello.
You're a grandpa, Gary!

409
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,040
Oh!

410
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,640
Hello!

411
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,640
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

412
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:34,680
He's slipping away now, it won't
be long. I'll leave you in peace.

413
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:53,240
"Ooh, I used to meet
Henry Clarke in there

414
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:58,200
"when we were going out
with each other! Oooh!"

415
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,200
It's eight minutes past four.

416
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,200
Let's cross back now to
our intrepid reporter, Greg Parish.

417
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:11,000
I understand Greg is now fully aware
of the satellite delay.

418
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,840
Greg, what hope can Turkistan's
opposition leader now have

419
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,600
for retaining control of his party?

420
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:17,880
How small's your penis?

421
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,360
Very little, very little indeed,
unfortunately.

422
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,120
Thank you.

423
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,160
No!

424
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:33,680
Oh. Ladies, be my guest.
Oh, and they say chivalry's dead.

425
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,320
Well, there are a few of us old
fogeys trying to keep it alive.

426
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,840
Tell you what,
why don't we share it?

427
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,560
Yeah, jump in.
Where do you want to go?

428
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,040
Oh, I'd like to go on top.

429
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,880
Sorry?

430
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,120
Into town would be great.
The Arndale Centre?

431
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:50,920
No, actually, I think I'll walk.
Yeah. Good.

432
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,320
FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

433
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,400
'January the er...vingt et un,
vingt et un...

434
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:09,640
'Twenty and one.

435
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,240
'It is very hard for me
to write in English,

436
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,120
'because I am speaking
so much the French now.

437
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,880
'I am living in the Paris
since the six months

438
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:21,520
'and my old life in Reading
is like a long-distance memory.

439
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,880
'I adore the France, her art,
her culture

440
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,840
'and anyway, I was never
really happy at Oddbins.'

441
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,160
< English?

442
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,320
Oui, bien sur.

443
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,720
I'm so sorry, yes. Yes, of course.

444
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:36,920
My train goes not,

445
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,000
so I must a nearby street reasonable
price young man hostel find.

446
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,160
Can you to me a nearby street reasonable
price young man hostel recommend?

447
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,360
Or is there no nearby street reasonable
price young man hostel available?

448
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,120
Apologies, my English is very bad.

449
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:52,760
What is this thing that is this thing
that is this thing that you ask?

450
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,320
Slowly, please?
Since two months I am in Germany

451
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,880
and my English
is very, very, very, very tiny.

452
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,080
Sorry, sorry,
I can't even get the gist.

453
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,960
Originally came I from Norwich.
Now am I in Munchen living.

454
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:08,280
Ah, you wish to make a pee-pee? It's at
the other side of the bar. That is OK.

455
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:10,840
I will go and see if I can find
someone more good English speaking.

456
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,600
Desolated. No matter.

457
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,640
Until we see each other, thanks.
Of nothing.

458
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,960
Can you lend me 20 euros?

459
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:48,080
Back to our reporter Greg Parish,
who is gracing our studio in Turkistan.

460
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:52,720
Greg, do you get a sense of public
relief at the election result?

461
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:53,800
Do you pay for sex?

462
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,200
Yes, I do, yes, I very much do, yeah.

463
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,080
Oh, you really are a twat!