1
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,008
When I bang my clipboard
on the dash like so,

2
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,600
I'd like you to imagine someone
stepped in front of the car and

3
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:47,720
execute an emergency stop retaining
full control of the vehicle. OK.

4
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,400
Would you please pull away
when it is safe to do so?

5
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,320
Thank you.

6
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,160
You're not moving quite so freely
as is your wont, Mr Gosling,

7
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,400
you're usually
such a wonderful dancer.

8
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,800
Unfortunately, Miss Cardew,
I'm negotiating an obstruction

9
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:29,160
in my breeches of the same tough,
knotty and veined aspect

10
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,520
as a Portuguese sailor's arm.

11
00:01:37,008 --> 00:01:41,880
Hello, old man,
brought you some grapes and shit.

12
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:45,720
Whatever, I'm allergic to fruit.
I've got this intolerance?

13
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,560
And with sweets as well. It affects my
behaviour. I've got a note and everything.

14
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:52,830
So, you're all right, then,

15
00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:56,360
because you like crashed
your plane, isn't it, in a field,

16
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,240
and you like mashed up your plane
and some cows and shit.

17
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,360
You know my legs? Mm. You know
how many I've always had, and that?

18
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,360
Like two legs,
or some shit like that.

19
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,600
Well, I've only got one leg now.
Random.

20
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,920
I know, you should have seen
my face when I woke up.

21
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,800
Were you like, oh, my God?

22
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,420
I was like oh, my God, no way,
and the doctor's going,

23
00:02:22,450 --> 00:02:24,520
"We had to take your
leg off and all this",

24
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,920
and I'm like really stressed out
and cussing him bad.

25
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,560
You cussed him up?

26
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,840
Yeah, and he's all like,
"Watch your language" and I'm like,

27
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,920
"You can't actually stop me cussing because
I've got like a hyperactivity disorder."

28
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,280
You've got a note and everything.

29
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,000
And then he says he'll
get me a false leg and stuff.

30
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,190
He was really kind and gentle
and told me not to worry.

31
00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:45,760
Do you know what I said?
"Are you gay?"

32
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,320
Yeah.

33
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,370
"Are you bent", I said,
and he's all "no way",

34
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,560
and I'm like, "Are you a
batty man or something?"

35
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,440
He does sound well bent.

36
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,200
Anyway so then he said I didn't
deserve to be looked after

37
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,840
and he was going to take my false
leg and shove it up my arse.

38
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,840
Well, they do that
isn't it, benders.

39
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,240
Isn't it. Isn't it.

40
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,008
Isn't it, though. Standard.

41
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,680
My name is Dr Tear.

42
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,960
I live in Botswana saving lives.

43
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,640
Do YOU?

44
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,680
Medical genius, no,

45
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,240
miracle worker,

46
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,004
sometimes,

47
00:03:31,004 --> 00:03:33,800
lunatic,

48
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,400
now we're getting close.

49
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:42,520
This primitive and crude
medical centre is my kingdom.

50
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,280
The people here call me Mamafat.

51
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,920
How to explain
in a way you'll understand?

52
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:54,000
In the bush they believe in a legend,
a legend that tells of a white devil

53
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,520
who will one day be their salvation
and their redeemer.

54
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:03,160
They flatter me
by calling me their Mamafat.

55
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,008
Ah! Africa...

56
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:21,520
I'm standing on the famous mahogany
inlaid floor of the banqueting hall

57
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,000
in the Chateau de Vincent,

58
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:28,320
in order to view
a truly extraordinary item.

59
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:33,160
The only surviving panel
of the St Germain tapestry,

60
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:37,520
the finest emblem ever created
in praise of that most

61
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:42,880
original medieval notion,
the ideal of courtly love.

62
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:48,240
Just look at this
glorious embodiment of chastity,

63
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:53,960
lifting her mantel, raising her
hand, turning her face towards us.

64
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:58,880
Surrounded by the heraldic
emblems of the court - lions,

65
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,640
unicorns and rampant bears.

66
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:07,440
She is so beautiful and rare, this
must be the most exceptional item

67
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,008
of antiquity in the whole
of France.

68
00:05:11,008 --> 00:05:13,560
It is, of course,

69
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,240
quite simply priceless.

70
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,920
The tapestry was originally
part of a triptych

71
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:27,840
detailing many facets
of courtly love.

72
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:31,000
There were numerous
smaller depictions of natura,

73
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,760
that is nature naturing.

74
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:38,200
That is goats, donkeys,
rabbits, sheep, even hedgehog...

75
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,280
I've definitely got
the right skill set.

76
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,320
Well, it's just a question whether
you can adapt to the smaller company.

77
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:08,120
Different ethos. Yeah.
Is that something you've considered?

78
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,004
Its one of my main
reasons for moving,

79
00:06:10,004 --> 00:06:13,160
I think there's more opportunity
to develop professionally

80
00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:15,440
within a smaller, more
immediate framework.

81
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,960
Great, well, I think that's covered
everything we wanted to at this stage.

82
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,880
Obviously we'll be in touch
when we have some news. Great.

83
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:27,120
Is there anything you specifically wanted
to ask us? Yeah, how about a threesome?

84
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:32,008
Are there any parking spaces? Always
park and ride - not that sort of ride.

85
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,720
I was a bit reluctant initially,

86
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:44,200
but it's on BBC One now, so,

87
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:48,760
career-wise, it's a biggy.

88
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,920
I'm sure there'll be one or two...

89
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,160
family skeletons,

90
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,960
not as many as Bill Oddie.

91
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,960
Probably about
the same as Stephen Fry.

92
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,440
'I've already done a bit of
rummaging of my father's side.'

93
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:08,160
What really intrigues me
is my mother's side,

94
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,840
especially my grandmother,

95
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:16,480
and literally all I know is
she grew up in Bermondsey.

96
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,960
Well, we have managed
to track her down.

97
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,720
Wow, fantastic. She's here, look.

98
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,880
This is the 1921 census

99
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:28,560
and she's in here with her
four sisters, your great aunts.

100
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,400
Here we go.

101
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:35,720
There they are. Florence Agnes Davies
of 14, Tadmartin Road,

102
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,600
aged 20...

103
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,008
Whore.

104
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,120
Yes, prostitute, call girl...

105
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:50,000
No, no, I understand.

106
00:07:54,360 --> 00:08:00,000
Well, Tadmartin Road was a notoriously
poverty-stricken part of town at that time.

107
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,680
So, many of the girls would
have been driven by necessity to...

108
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,680
Yes, I think
that's very likely, yes.

109
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,520
Poor Florence.

110
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,920
I mean, it just...

111
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,200
it just makes me so angry to think...

112
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,880
she found herself in
such a terrible situation.

113
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,920
You know, just totally trapped.

114
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:33,360
Well, she didn't stay trapped,
because here we are,

115
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,004
this is the census of 1931,

116
00:08:36,004 --> 00:08:40,960
so ten years later, and we find
she's no longer in Tadmartin Road.

117
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:45,280
She's now in Radway Gardens, which
is a much plusher part of town.

118
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,880
I see. And she's no longer
classified as a whore.

119
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,000
Here we are, Florence Agnes Davies,

120
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:56,680
seven, Radway Gardens, now aged 30,
brothel keeper.

121
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:04,720
So, she's sort of moved up
into management, as it were.

122
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:08,640
And what's also interesting
is that all of her sisters are here,

123
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:10,960
so your great aunts as well.

124
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:15,280
Edith Bertha, aged 20, whore,

125
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:19,000
Victoria Mary, aged 19, whore...

126
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,360
Eliza Jane, whore,

127
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,920
and Susan Elizabeth,
who is just 16...

128
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,200
whore.

129
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,400
Actually, you know, I...

130
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,600
I think I'm more interested in
my father's side.

131
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,360
Well, that's, um...

132
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,960
given me a lot to...process,
but I am intrigued,

133
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:50,280
much more intrigued, I think,
by my father's parents.

134
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,840
I am very excited now because we've
actually managed to track down

135
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:58,240
a gentleman who, as a boy, worked for my
grandfather's bottle factory in Norwich.

136
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:03,160
So, now, Harry, tell me what kind of a
factory owner was my grandfather Bertrand?

137
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:08,120
He was a very kind man,
was Mr Armstrong.

138
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,240
He had twinkly eyes and a big laugh.

139
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,760
And how old
were you when you started?

140
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:20,600
I went to work for his factory
aged 13. Good Lord, 13.

141
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,360
But I remember him well, oh, yes.

142
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:28,440
Every day when the factory whistle
sounded

143
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,400
and we boys trooped out,

144
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,240
he was always there smiling,

145
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:39,280
at the factory gates,
with a bag of sweets.

146
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,840
Sweets. Oh, yes,

147
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:45,520
"Would you like a sweet,
little boy?" he used to say,

148
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,800
and he'd offer
you a ride in his big shiny car.

149
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:54,560
Black it was,
with blinds on the windows.

150
00:10:54,560 --> 00:11:00,360
And he had these funny catchphrases, you
know, cheerful things he was always saying.

151
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,360
You know, like "pip, pip",

152
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,480
and "keep on smiling",

153
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,680
and "don't tell your parents".

154
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,004
Is there anything else
you'd like to know?

155
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:15,760
No, that's...

156
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,320
fine.
..Actually, I don't think this is...

157
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:24,008
I think I might... What's that
one with celebrity ice skating?

158
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,320
Hello. Now, I'm afraid, today,
we have to start with an apology.

159
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,005
You may have already
heard in the news

160
00:11:33,007 --> 00:11:35,008
about something that
happened to us last week.

161
00:11:35,008 --> 00:11:38,001
After Thursday's show we
went to a special cafe

162
00:11:38,004 --> 00:11:40,760
near the studio called
the Coach and Horses.

163
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,880
As you know, we are
always having competitions.

164
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,500
Well, we had a competition
to drink all the drinks

165
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,520
hanging on the wall
from left to right.

166
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:50,120
The drinks made us act
in a silly way.

167
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,190
The music was very fast and loud

168
00:11:52,220 --> 00:11:56,160
and Tina pulled her jumper up
over her head to do a dance to it.

169
00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:02,008
Then we had to take Jason home because he
was poorly on the carpet and some chairs.

170
00:12:02,008 --> 00:12:06,560
On the walk back one of us went to
the toilet in someone's letterbox.

171
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,640
And an amount of Tina's underwear
was left on the wing mirror

172
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,200
of a car, where
it was found the next morning.

173
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,600
Alistair was kind and took me into
a quiet street behind some shops

174
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,720
to try to help sort out the
muddle with my clothes.

175
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,480
But some people from
a newspaper thought

176
00:12:21,510 --> 00:12:24,520
they saw me wrestling
Tina in a special way.

177
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,006
They took some pictures of this

178
00:12:26,008 --> 00:12:28,800
because they believed you'd
be interested in seeing it.

179
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,440
While I was explaining to the
man with a camera that he'd made

180
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:37,004
a mistake and we weren't wrestling,
I accidentally bit him on the nose.

181
00:12:37,004 --> 00:12:39,320
Quite hard.

182
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,160
And I now realise this was wrong.

183
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:47,840
Yes, it was. So, today
we'd like to say that we're sorry.

184
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,160
Alistair, you've been
to Telford to see a Vulcan bomber.

185
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,200
I have.

186
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,000
A round table.

187
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,640
Yes, Sir Mordred, a round table.

188
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,600
A round which may flow with
the discourse of equals.

189
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,640
A stage upon which
no man has presence.

190
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,400
I defer to you as you defer to me.

191
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,240
And having neither head nor tail

192
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:17,840
we are a body of equal parts
and as equals we shall prosper.

193
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,120
Gentlemen, please.

194
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,120
Right, who's first up?

195
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,650
I don't know if any of you
are familiar, as we are,

196
00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:31,640
with what is known as
inter-city travel.

197
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:36,360
That is to say traversing the length and
breadth of this sceptred isle by train.

198
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,200
Splendid way of getting around,
although not without its drawbacks.

199
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,840
For one thing, it's very hard
to get a decent cup of tea.

200
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,000
And we're resistant
to the charms of a tea bag.

201
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,260
Fife prefers to take his own flask.
Indeed.

202
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,920
That way he can top it up
with whatever he chooses.

203
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,960
No need to be on licensed premises.

204
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,680
Nor, indeed within licensed hours.

205
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:59,800
No, I'm being unfair on him - poor chap
suffers terribly with his digestion.

206
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,560
He has what is known as a dyspeptic
personality. I have an angry bowel.

207
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:07,960
Quite so, and this makes the
aforementioned mode of transport

208
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,480
a shade inconvenient, which is
what this next song is all about.

209
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,120
# Now, I'm a solid gentleman

210
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,600
# As proper as the rest

211
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,680
# I'm English through and through

212
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,520
# From my socks up to my vest

213
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,320
# Along with this comes etiquette
Decorum must prevail

214
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,008
# Exceptions, though, are sadly met
When travelling by rail

215
00:14:33,008 --> 00:14:35,360
# I like a hearty breakfast

216
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,160
# When alighting on a carriage

217
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,200
# But libation and vibration
Do not make a happy marriage

218
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:46,600
# A force down below that builds
and creates pressure

219
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:51,640
# Though in the comfort of your home
May afford a certain pleasure

220
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,640
# Is anathema in public
Where there is no turning back

221
00:14:55,640 --> 00:15:02,680
# Cos the bloody thing has forced
its way almost out your crack

222
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:07,280
# Have you ever had to take
a shit on a train?

223
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:11,680
# It really is
quite a frightful strain

224
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:16,600
# At first there is the horror
Of what you might find in the pan

225
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,640
# A foul disgusting mess
Some other bugger's dumped and ran

226
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,600
# You would not think it
hard to pull the flush

227
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:27,800
# Until you try yourself and
no water from there does gush

228
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,520
# And you know the matronly aunt
Who stands next in the queue

229
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:35,000
# Will think the faecal mountain
is entirely down to you. #

230
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,440
I had my own business,
small, but mine.

231
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,920
Then for a number of reasons,
that went into receivership.

232
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:50,250
So, did a bit of mini-cabbing, then
someone torched my car, nightmare.

233
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:51,840
That was the end of that.

234
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,280
Then my wife came in with the ad
and to be honest I thought,

235
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,560
"You've got to be joking", but after
six months walking around the house

236
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,720
in your slippers,
you think, "Why not?"

237
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,000
and that's when I became a teacher.

238
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,280
'Failed in the real world?
Then why not be a teacher?'

239
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:17,008
One, two, three, four impacted.

240
00:16:17,008 --> 00:16:18,960
How's the family, all well?

241
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:23,640
Five, six, seven missing.

242
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,880
You know, my youngest
said something the other day.

243
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:31,840
We were all sitting round the dinner
table. Kids, me, wife, wife's mother.

244
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,480
Eight, ninth, ten rotated.

245
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,640
My youngest says to granny,

246
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,800
"I can now point
my willy in the toilet."

247
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,880
Laughter all round, obviously.

248
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,640
11, 12, 13.

249
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,560
Granny smiles and says well done.

250
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:55,320
He follows this up with "Daddy can
point his willy in the toilet, too."

251
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,880
More laughter.

252
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,200
So, then he says,

253
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,960
"But Daddy's willy is furry."

254
00:17:07,008 --> 00:17:11,480
Well, that one went
down like a lead balloon.

255
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,400
14, 15, 16 missing.

256
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:20,840
Suddenly everyone's thinking about
Daddy's furry willy.

257
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,008
17, 18 extruded.

258
00:17:24,008 --> 00:17:28,120
There it is, hanging metaphorically
before their faces.

259
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,920
Daddy's big furry willy,

260
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,600
there it is.

261
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:41,008
Of course the irony is that
it's not actually that furry.

262
00:17:41,008 --> 00:17:43,400
I have a rare form of pubic alopecia.

263
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,440
In fact, it looks like
a Chinaman's beard down there.

264
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,004
Ah, you've got a bit of saliva
on your chin.

265
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:55,520
Ah, Watson.

266
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,520
Hello, Holmes.

267
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,480
This is Torrance.

268
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,360
Emmett Torrance.

269
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,600
Hello. I see from your hat and pipe
that you're a train driver.

270
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,280
No, Torrance, he's a detective.

271
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:15,120
This is Mr Holmes,
my previous employer.

272
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:19,800
Oh, I see. Well, I should leave
you to reacquaint yourselves.

273
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,640
You look good. Thank you.

274
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,560
He seems nice.

275
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,860
Yes, he's very nice.
He's a very good detective.

276
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,920
He spotted I was a train driver.
Don't start. I'm sorry.

277
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:42,160
So, how are you?

278
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,280
I'm fine.

279
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:48,160
The Royal family have had a...

280
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:54,600
diamond stolen. I'm just poking
around on that.

281
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,520
Right.

282
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,400
You?

283
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,960
Next door neighbour's...um...

284
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:08,000
cat has gone missing,
a couple of days ago.

285
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,680
Torrance and I are helping her out.

286
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,680
Great. It's work.

287
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:20,640
You're living on Eustace Road,
aren't you? Yes, yes.

288
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:25,400
Isn't there a cat sanctuary at the end
of Eustace Road, have you tried there?

289
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,120
No, no, we haven't.

290
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,400
No, probably wrong, anyway.

291
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,880
Have you heard of a cat sanctuary
on Eustace Road?

292
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,120
No, kept that quiet, didn't they?
You've lived there for two years.

293
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,120
Ooh, look at that big dog!

294
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,520
It's a horse.

295
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,600
We better go.
Yes, of course.

296
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,520
My dear Watson...

297
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,520
Hi, honey,
I forgot my files for that meeting.

298
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,160
What are you doing here, Peter?

299
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,520
Rog...

300
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,320
Surprise!

301
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,680
Happy birthday!

302
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,640
It's not my birthday for six months.

303
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,720
Sorry, Happy Christmas.

304
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,720
In April? Merry Easter.

305
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:48,240
Is this a surprise
Easter party for me? Yes!

306
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,880
Fancy dress.

307
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,440
Oh, you shouldn't have.

308
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:55,320
Well, you've been working extremely
hard, Roger,

309
00:20:55,320 --> 00:21:00,320
and we thought we should
celebrate you working hard.

310
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,480
But where are the others?

311
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,800
(Holly...?)

312
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,960
I thought you were
ringing people, Peter.

313
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,008
Sorry, Roger, it looks like
it'll just be the two of us.

314
00:21:10,008 --> 00:21:14,640
Well, I can't think of anything I'd like
more, my wife and my best friend.

315
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:19,120
Yes, I suppose it would have been difficult
getting hold of people on Monday morning.

316
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,200
That's right -
a lot of people are busy at 9.30.

317
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,320
How did you know I was coming home?
Well, I saw you in your car.

318
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,320
But I wasn't in my car,
Geoff dropped me off.

319
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,920
Well, if you'll let me finish, Rog,
I saw you in your car last week

320
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,520
and then I saw you in
Geoff's car this morning.

321
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,440
Well, this is so thoughtful of you.

322
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:44,360
I've never had a surprise Easter party
first thing on a Monday morning before.

323
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,800
I'll get some drinks.

324
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,008
I'm glad you're here, Peter.

325
00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:52,800
You know I mentioned last time I
thought Holly was having an affair?

326
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,880
Yes.
Well, there have been developments.

327
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:07,000
MACHINE BEEPS PETER'S VOICE:
'Holly, Holly, has Rog gone to work yet?'

328
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,560
'Put on that sexy negligee
I bought you, I'm coming over. Grrr!'

329
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,160
What do you make of that?

330
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,160
It sounds like
Holly's friend Margaret.

331
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:26,004
Are you sure? I've never been
more certain of anything in my life.

332
00:22:26,004 --> 00:22:28,520
I don't remember Margaret
buying her a sexy negligee.

333
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,800
Oh, yes, she definitely
did that, no question.

334
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:34,600
I remember Holly told me when we were
planning your surprise Easter party.

335
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,600
Do women often buy sexy
nightclothes for each other?

336
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:41,600
Don't try and understand women, Rog,
life's too short.

337
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:45,720
Sorry, I forgot to get any booze,
is milk OK?

338
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,280
Holly, what are you like?

339
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:49,920
Happy Easter. Happy Easter.

340
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,160
Happy Easter.

341
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,360
Well, that was fun. Hadn't you
better be going to your meeting?

342
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,200
Sorry guys, his party,
him no tidy up.

343
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,200
See you later.

344
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,720
LOUD MUFFLED MUSIC
FROM CAR

345
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,320
Wanker.

346
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,440
Well, we've married for... 23 years.

347
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,120
We met at a youth club dance.
Yes, she was the...

348
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,400
Prettiest girl there.
And he was wearing his... My Dad's...

349
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,760
..shirt. Janet's the...

350
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,600
BOTH: ..managing director of a very well
known retail outlet in Loughborough.

351
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,520
I mean, not the managing director of
the whole company just the manager

352
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,360
of one of the branches but
a very good living nonetheless.

353
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,008
And Clive's... A Nazi sympathiser.

354
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,250
Tell you what, I'll buy you
an ice cream at the cafe,

355
00:25:23,270 --> 00:25:24,920
and I think then we probably
better be on our way.

356
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,600
Dad, do we have to go so soon?

357
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,240
I promised your mum
I'd have you home by seven.

358
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,400
Dad, why did you
and Mum get a divorce?

359
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,008
The thing is, Paul,

360
00:25:42,008 --> 00:25:45,640
it was all your fault.

361
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:50,520
You see, Mum and I were perfectly
happy before you came along.

362
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,760
What really drove us apart
was the strain of trying to

363
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:55,000
keep two careers going while
having to look after you.

364
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,800
The relentless daily grind,

365
00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:01,200
no let-up, no relief, no chink
of light.

366
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:05,480
Then your mum lost her figure, put on
too much weight and mislaid her libido.

367
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,480
Sadly,
you destroyed our relationship.

368
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,680
Come on, mate, race you to the cafe.

369
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,008
Knees up, knees up!

370
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:26,400
NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, the morning run to school.

371
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,200
Wait a minute!
There's no seat belt back here.

372
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:34,440
In a crash, this boy could
suffer cuts and grazes.

373
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:37,480
Before you take a child on a drive,

374
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,280
stop - are they secure in the back?

375
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:41,720
SHE WHISTLES

376
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,720
Make sure you wedge them in tightly.

377
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:53,720
Back seat child? Remember -
there's safety in numbers.

378
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,560
Pass me more linen, damn it!

379
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,640
Talk to him! Hold his hand!

380
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,520
The other one!

381
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,800
We're going to have to cauterise -
fetch me a fresh candle.

382
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,360
Grab a handful
of powder from the gun.

383
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:14,120
Not deserting us?!
Getting a candle, wound won't heal.

384
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:18,160
Problem, Mr Talbot? I don't
know what to do. We're losing him.

385
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,400
Where's that candle and powder?!

386
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,760
It's worse than that, Talbot. You
step out, I'll take over from here.

387
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,360
You take off his trousers.

388
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:27,720
Sir? You heard me, man!
Take off his bloody trousers!

389
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:31,320
That's it right, now lift his leg.
Higher, wider.

390
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,560
Come on, Talbot, come down here!
I have to keep pressure.

391
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:37,800
No, don't bother about his arm, he's
lost it already. Come down here quickly.

392
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,640
Right, shout! Sir?!

393
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,560
Up him! Up...? For God's sake,
this is no time to be coy!

394
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,960
Get your face down there,
and shout up his arsehole!

395
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,400
Go on, do it!

396
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,440
Arrr! NO! Shout, man, LOUDER!

397
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,320
ARRR! Oh, dear, you take this.

398
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:01,280
Arrr! He's gone.

399
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,600
He's gone, sir. No, that can't be.

400
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,000
Take his leg! We can bring him back.
ARRR!

401
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:11,480
ARRR! Come on, boys, we can do it!

402
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:12,800
ARRR!

403
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,440
ARRRRR!