When I bang my clipboard on the dash like so,
I'd like you to imagine someone stepped in front of the car and
execute an emergency stop retaining full control of the vehicle. OK.
Would you please pull away when it is safe to do so?
Thank you.
You're not moving quite so freely as is your wont, Mr Gosling,
you're usually such a wonderful dancer.
Unfortunately, Miss Cardew, I'm negotiating an obstruction
in my breeches of the same tough, knotty and veined aspect
as a Portuguese sailor's arm.
Hello, old man, brought you some grapes and shit.
Whatever, I'm allergic to fruit. I've got this intolerance?
And with sweets as well. It affects my behaviour. I've got a note and everything.
So, you're all right, then,
because you like crashed your plane, isn't it, in a field,
and you like mashed up your plane and some cows and shit.
You know my legs? Mm. You know how many I've always had, and that?
Like two legs, or some shit like that.
Well, I've only got one leg now. Random.
I know, you should have seen my face when I woke up.
Were you like, oh, my God?
I was like oh, my God, no way, and the doctor's going,
"We had to take your leg off and all this",
and I'm like really stressed out and cussing him bad.
You cussed him up?
Yeah, and he's all like, "Watch your language" and I'm like,
"You can't actually stop me cussing because I've got like a hyperactivity disorder."
You've got a note and everything.
And then he says he'll get me a false leg and stuff.
He was really kind and gentle and told me not to worry.
Do you know what I said? "Are you gay?"
Yeah.
"Are you bent", I said, and he's all "no way",
and I'm like, "Are you a batty man or something?"
He does sound well bent.
Anyway so then he said I didn't deserve to be looked after
and he was going to take my false leg and shove it up my arse.
Well, they do that isn't it, benders.
Isn't it. Isn't it.
Isn't it, though. Standard.
My name is Dr Tear.
I live in Botswana saving lives.
Do YOU?
Medical genius, no,
miracle worker,
sometimes,
lunatic,
now we're getting close.
This primitive and crude medical centre is my kingdom.
The people here call me Mamafat.
How to explain in a way you'll understand?
In the bush they believe in a legend, a legend that tells of a white devil
who will one day be their salvation and their redeemer.
They flatter me by calling me their Mamafat.
Ah! Africa...
I'm standing on the famous mahogany inlaid floor of the banqueting hall
in the Chateau de Vincent,
in order to view a truly extraordinary item.
The only surviving panel of the St Germain tapestry,
the finest emblem ever created in praise of that most
original medieval notion, the ideal of courtly love.
Just look at this glorious embodiment of chastity,
lifting her mantel, raising her hand, turning her face towards us.
Surrounded by the heraldic emblems of the court - lions,
unicorns and rampant bears.
She is so beautiful and rare, this must be the most exceptional item
of antiquity in the whole of France.
It is, of course,
quite simply priceless.
The tapestry was originally part of a triptych
detailing many facets of courtly love.
There were numerous smaller depictions of natura,
that is nature naturing.
That is goats, donkeys, rabbits, sheep, even hedgehog...
I've definitely got the right skill set.
Well, it's just a question whether you can adapt to the smaller company.
Different ethos. Yeah. Is that something you've considered?
Its one of my main reasons for moving,
I think there's more opportunity to develop professionally
within a smaller, more immediate framework.
Great, well, I think that's covered everything we wanted to at this stage.
Obviously we'll be in touch when we have some news. Great.
Is there anything you specifically wanted to ask us? Yeah, how about a threesome?
Are there any parking spaces? Always park and ride - not that sort of ride.
I was a bit reluctant initially,
but it's on BBC One now, so,
career-wise, it's a biggy.
I'm sure there'll be one or two...
family skeletons,
not as many as Bill Oddie.
Probably about the same as Stephen Fry.
'I've already done a bit of rummaging of my father's side.'
What really intrigues me is my mother's side,
especially my grandmother,
and literally all I know is she grew up in Bermondsey.
Well, we have managed to track her down.
Wow, fantastic. She's here, look.
This is the 1921 census
and she's in here with her four sisters, your great aunts.
Here we go.
There they are. Florence Agnes Davies of 14, Tadmartin Road,
aged 20...
Whore.
Yes, prostitute, call girl...
No, no, I understand.
Well, Tadmartin Road was a notoriously poverty-stricken part of town at that time.
So, many of the girls would have been driven by necessity to...
Yes, I think that's very likely, yes.
Poor Florence.
I mean, it just...
it just makes me so angry to think...
she found herself in such a terrible situation.
You know, just totally trapped.
Well, she didn't stay trapped, because here we are,
this is the census of 1931,
so ten years later, and we find she's no longer in Tadmartin Road.
She's now in Radway Gardens, which is a much plusher part of town.
I see. And she's no longer classified as a whore.
Here we are, Florence Agnes Davies,
seven, Radway Gardens, now aged 30, brothel keeper.
So, she's sort of moved up into management, as it were.
And what's also interesting is that all of her sisters are here,
so your great aunts as well.
Edith Bertha, aged 20, whore,
Victoria Mary, aged 19, whore...
Eliza Jane, whore,
and Susan Elizabeth, who is just 16...
whore.
Actually, you know, I...
I think I'm more interested in my father's side.
Well, that's, um...
given me a lot to...process, but I am intrigued,
much more intrigued, I think, by my father's parents.
I am very excited now because we've actually managed to track down
a gentleman who, as a boy, worked for my grandfather's bottle factory in Norwich.
So, now, Harry, tell me what kind of a factory owner was my grandfather Bertrand?
He was a very kind man, was Mr Armstrong.
He had twinkly eyes and a big laugh.
And how old were you when you started?
I went to work for his factory aged 13. Good Lord, 13.
But I remember him well, oh, yes.
Every day when the factory whistle sounded
and we boys trooped out,
he was always there smiling,
at the factory gates, with a bag of sweets.
Sweets. Oh, yes,
"Would you like a sweet, little boy?" he used to say,
and he'd offer you a ride in his big shiny car.
Black it was, with blinds on the windows.
And he had these funny catchphrases, you know, cheerful things he was always saying.
You know, like "pip, pip",
and "keep on smiling",
and "don't tell your parents".
Is there anything else you'd like to know?
No, that's...
fine. ..Actually, I don't think this is...
I think I might... What's that one with celebrity ice skating?
Hello. Now, I'm afraid, today, we have to start with an apology.
You may have already heard in the news
about something that happened to us last week.
After Thursday's show we went to a special cafe
near the studio called the Coach and Horses.
As you know, we are always having competitions.
Well, we had a competition to drink all the drinks
hanging on the wall from left to right.
The drinks made us act in a silly way.
The music was very fast and loud
and Tina pulled her jumper up over her head to do a dance to it.
Then we had to take Jason home because he was poorly on the carpet and some chairs.
On the walk back one of us went to the toilet in someone's letterbox.
And an amount of Tina's underwear was left on the wing mirror
of a car, where it was found the next morning.
Alistair was kind and took me into a quiet street behind some shops
to try to help sort out the muddle with my clothes.
But some people from a newspaper thought
they saw me wrestling Tina in a special way.
They took some pictures of this
because they believed you'd be interested in seeing it.
While I was explaining to the man with a camera that he'd made
a mistake and we weren't wrestling, I accidentally bit him on the nose.
Quite hard.
And I now realise this was wrong.
Yes, it was. So, today we'd like to say that we're sorry.
Alistair, you've been to Telford to see a Vulcan bomber.
I have.
A round table.
Yes, Sir Mordred, a round table.
A round which may flow with the discourse of equals.
A stage upon which no man has presence.
I defer to you as you defer to me.
And having neither head nor tail
we are a body of equal parts and as equals we shall prosper.
Gentlemen, please.
Right, who's first up?
I don't know if any of you are familiar, as we are,
with what is known as inter-city travel.
That is to say traversing the length and breadth of this sceptred isle by train.
Splendid way of getting around, although not without its drawbacks.
For one thing, it's very hard to get a decent cup of tea.
And we're resistant to the charms of a tea bag.
Fife prefers to take his own flask. Indeed.
That way he can top it up with whatever he chooses.
No need to be on licensed premises.
Nor, indeed within licensed hours.
No, I'm being unfair on him - poor chap suffers terribly with his digestion.
He has what is known as a dyspeptic personality. I have an angry bowel.
Quite so, and this makes the aforementioned mode of transport
a shade inconvenient, which is what this next song is all about.
# Now, I'm a solid gentleman
# As proper as the rest
# I'm English through and through
# From my socks up to my vest
# Along with this comes etiquette Decorum must prevail
# Exceptions, though, are sadly met When travelling by rail
# I like a hearty breakfast
# When alighting on a carriage
# But libation and vibration Do not make a happy marriage
# A force down below that builds and creates pressure
# Though in the comfort of your home May afford a certain pleasure
# Is anathema in public Where there is no turning back
# Cos the bloody thing has forced its way almost out your crack
# Have you ever had to take a shit on a train?
# It really is quite a frightful strain
# At first there is the horror Of what you might find in the pan
# A foul disgusting mess Some other bugger's dumped and ran
# You would not think it hard to pull the flush
# Until you try yourself and no water from there does gush
# And you know the matronly aunt Who stands next in the queue
# Will think the faecal mountain is entirely down to you. #
I had my own business, small, but mine.
Then for a number of reasons, that went into receivership.
So, did a bit of mini-cabbing, then someone torched my car, nightmare.
That was the end of that.
Then my wife came in with the ad and to be honest I thought,
"You've got to be joking", but after six months walking around the house
in your slippers, you think, "Why not?"
and that's when I became a teacher.
'Failed in the real world? Then why not be a teacher?'
One, two, three, four impacted.
How's the family, all well?
Five, six, seven missing.
You know, my youngest said something the other day.
We were all sitting round the dinner table. Kids, me, wife, wife's mother.
Eight, ninth, ten rotated.
My youngest says to granny,
"I can now point my willy in the toilet."
Laughter all round, obviously.
11, 12, 13.
Granny smiles and says well done.
He follows this up with "Daddy can point his willy in the toilet, too."
More laughter.
So, then he says,
"But Daddy's willy is furry."
Well, that one went down like a lead balloon.
14, 15, 16 missing.
Suddenly everyone's thinking about Daddy's furry willy.
17, 18 extruded.
There it is, hanging metaphorically before their faces.
Daddy's big furry willy,
there it is.
Of course the irony is that it's not actually that furry.
I have a rare form of pubic alopecia.
In fact, it looks like a Chinaman's beard down there.
Ah, you've got a bit of saliva on your chin.
Ah, Watson.
Hello, Holmes.
This is Torrance.
Emmett Torrance.
Hello. I see from your hat and pipe that you're a train driver.
No, Torrance, he's a detective.
This is Mr Holmes, my previous employer.
Oh, I see. Well, I should leave you to reacquaint yourselves.
You look good. Thank you.
He seems nice.
Yes, he's very nice. He's a very good detective.
He spotted I was a train driver. Don't start. I'm sorry.
So, how are you?
I'm fine.
The Royal family have had a...
diamond stolen. I'm just poking around on that.
Right.
You?
Next door neighbour's...um...
cat has gone missing, a couple of days ago.
Torrance and I are helping her out.
Great. It's work.
You're living on Eustace Road, aren't you? Yes, yes.
Isn't there a cat sanctuary at the end of Eustace Road, have you tried there?
No, no, we haven't.
No, probably wrong, anyway.
Have you heard of a cat sanctuary on Eustace Road?
No, kept that quiet, didn't they? You've lived there for two years.
Ooh, look at that big dog!
It's a horse.
We better go. Yes, of course.
My dear Watson...
Hi, honey, I forgot my files for that meeting.
What are you doing here, Peter?
Rog...
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
It's not my birthday for six months.
Sorry, Happy Christmas.
In April? Merry Easter.
Is this a surprise Easter party for me? Yes!
Fancy dress.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Well, you've been working extremely hard, Roger,
and we thought we should celebrate you working hard.
But where are the others?
(Holly...?)
I thought you were ringing people, Peter.
Sorry, Roger, it looks like it'll just be the two of us.
Well, I can't think of anything I'd like more, my wife and my best friend.
Yes, I suppose it would have been difficult getting hold of people on Monday morning.
That's right - a lot of people are busy at 9.30.
How did you know I was coming home? Well, I saw you in your car.
But I wasn't in my car, Geoff dropped me off.
Well, if you'll let me finish, Rog, I saw you in your car last week
and then I saw you in Geoff's car this morning.
Well, this is so thoughtful of you.
I've never had a surprise Easter party first thing on a Monday morning before.
I'll get some drinks.
I'm glad you're here, Peter.
You know I mentioned last time I thought Holly was having an affair?
Yes. Well, there have been developments.
MACHINE BEEPS PETER'S VOICE: 'Holly, Holly, has Rog gone to work yet?'
'Put on that sexy negligee I bought you, I'm coming over. Grrr!'
What do you make of that?
It sounds like Holly's friend Margaret.
Are you sure? I've never been more certain of anything in my life.
I don't remember Margaret buying her a sexy negligee.
Oh, yes, she definitely did that, no question.
I remember Holly told me when we were planning your surprise Easter party.
Do women often buy sexy nightclothes for each other?
Don't try and understand women, Rog, life's too short.
Sorry, I forgot to get any booze, is milk OK?
Holly, what are you like?
Happy Easter. Happy Easter.
Happy Easter.
Well, that was fun. Hadn't you better be going to your meeting?
Sorry guys, his party, him no tidy up.
See you later.
LOUD MUFFLED MUSIC FROM CAR
Wanker.
Well, we've married for... 23 years.
We met at a youth club dance. Yes, she was the...
Prettiest girl there. And he was wearing his... My Dad's...
..shirt. Janet's the...
BOTH: ..managing director of a very well known retail outlet in Loughborough.
I mean, not the managing director of the whole company just the manager
of one of the branches but a very good living nonetheless.
And Clive's... A Nazi sympathiser.
Tell you what, I'll buy you an ice cream at the cafe,
and I think then we probably better be on our way.
Dad, do we have to go so soon?
I promised your mum I'd have you home by seven.
Dad, why did you and Mum get a divorce?
The thing is, Paul,
it was all your fault.
You see, Mum and I were perfectly happy before you came along.
What really drove us apart was the strain of trying to
keep two careers going while having to look after you.
The relentless daily grind,
no let-up, no relief, no chink of light.
Then your mum lost her figure, put on too much weight and mislaid her libido.
Sadly, you destroyed our relationship.
Come on, mate, race you to the cafe.
Knees up, knees up!
NARRATOR: Ah, yes, the morning run to school.
Wait a minute! There's no seat belt back here.
In a crash, this boy could suffer cuts and grazes.
Before you take a child on a drive,
stop - are they secure in the back?
SHE WHISTLES
Make sure you wedge them in tightly.
Back seat child? Remember - there's safety in numbers.
Pass me more linen, damn it!
Talk to him! Hold his hand!
The other one!
We're going to have to cauterise - fetch me a fresh candle.
Grab a handful of powder from the gun.
Not deserting us?! Getting a candle, wound won't heal.
Problem, Mr Talbot? I don't know what to do. We're losing him.
Where's that candle and powder?!
It's worse than that, Talbot. You step out, I'll take over from here.
You take off his trousers.
Sir? You heard me, man! Take off his bloody trousers!
That's it right, now lift his leg. Higher, wider.
Come on, Talbot, come down here! I have to keep pressure.
No, don't bother about his arm, he's lost it already. Come down here quickly.
Right, shout! Sir?!
Up him! Up...? For God's sake, this is no time to be coy!
Get your face down there, and shout up his arsehole!
Go on, do it!
Arrr! NO! Shout, man, LOUDER!
ARRR! Oh, dear, you take this.
Arrr! He's gone.
He's gone, sir. No, that can't be.
Take his leg! We can bring him back. ARRR!
ARRR! Come on, boys, we can do it!
ARRR!
ARRRRR!