1
00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:14,140
UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYS

2
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:39,540
Oh, what?! Offside! Yeah, thanks,
ref(!)

3
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,780
Did you see that, Paul?

4
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,380
Something up?

5
00:00:44,820 --> 00:00:47,860
Come on. Something's bothering you.
I can tell.

6
00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:49,220
It's just...

7
00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,260
Come on, champ.
I'm not just your dad.

8
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,740
I'm your best mate, remember?

9
00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:55,660
Well, there's...
there's this girl at school.

10
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:58,380
Oh, I was wondering
when this was gonna happen.

11
00:00:58,380 --> 00:00:59,500
Go on.

12
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:05,020
Well, she was smiling at me in
class, so I sent her a text message.

13
00:01:05,020 --> 00:01:07,420
She hasn't sent one back. Oh, dear.

14
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,140
What's her name?

15
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,260
Tilly Green. Tilly Green.

16
00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:13,180
Is that her? Yeah.

17
00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:14,660
Let's have a look.

18
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,900
Well, you see what
your problem is there, Paul.

19
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:19,140
She's way out of your league.

20
00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:21,980
I mean, let's face it,
Tilly's no oil painting

21
00:01:21,980 --> 00:01:24,260
but she's clearly a six
going on a seven,

22
00:01:24,260 --> 00:01:28,260
whereas you're more...
what, a three, maybe four, at a push?

23
00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:31,460
You know? I mean, we could get
your ears pinned back,

24
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:33,420
hose you down with DermaKlenz
every morning,

25
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:36,102
but you're still gonna
be fighting the basics.

26
00:01:36,127 --> 00:01:38,100
To be honest with you, Paul, mate,

27
00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:40,700
I'm not 100% convinced
you're straight, anyhow.

28
00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:44,060
So before sticking your head
in the oven,

29
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:46,700
try pulling a couple
round the other side of the wicket.

30
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:48,700
Think about it.

31
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,060
I mean, Elton John
married a complete munter

32
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:53,740
then he switched sides,
pulled David Furnish!

33
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:55,420
Worth thinking about.

34
00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:58,180
CHEERING

35
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,940
BELL DINGS

36
00:02:03,820 --> 00:02:06,300
Great work, David.
That was right on the money.

37
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:08,900
Three more rounds of that
and this fight is in the bag.

38
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:13,540
Seriously, kid, that was spot-on.
Spot-on. Very good.

39
00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:15,460
You want to think about...

40
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,860
No, it's not even worth saying,
'cause you're doing it anyway.

41
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:20,860
You was doing it. You was doing it.

42
00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:24,940
Bit of a long minute, this one,
ain't it?

43
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:28,620
Just trying to think
what else to tell you.

44
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:30,260
Er...

45
00:02:33,060 --> 00:02:35,100
Sometimes, I see fairies.

46
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:37,980
What?

47
00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:40,740
You know - Tinker Bell-style fellas,

48
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:44,260
sitting on the end of me bed,
dancing, doing cartwheels.

49
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:49,340
They make me these little garlands
out of violets and dew,

50
00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:51,380
infused with the scent of cinnamon.

51
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,100
MAN: Seconds out, round 11.

52
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:54,860
Right. Knock his bloody head off!

53
00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:56,780
BELL DINGS

54
00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:00,500
Come on. Live-feed me, people.

55
00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,020
Bulls are colour-blind. Right.

56
00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:04,202
Ian Botham played football
for Scunthorpe United.

57
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:05,860
Your son, sir. Cute.
How's Mum doing?

58
00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:08,660
In bed reading Bella. Excellent.
Lions can't swim.

59
00:03:08,660 --> 00:03:10,740
Jesus!
Des Lynam hates his own moustache.

60
00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:13,620
With you. There's no pepper
in Dr Pepper. None? Bollocks!

61
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:14,812
Goats can climb trees.
Good.

62
00:03:14,837 --> 00:03:17,580
The Sunday papers are a waste.
Yes, they are. Well done, Susan.

63
00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:21,220
Your newborn son, sir. We've already
been introduced, Declan.

64
00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:22,740
BABY CRIES

65
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:26,980
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS

66
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,700
I'm standing in the Abbey of Vesney,

67
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,340
sheltering from the rain,

68
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,220
much as the pilgrims would have done

69
00:03:37,220 --> 00:03:41,740
who gathered in this building
1,100 years ago.

70
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:44,260
The reliquary displayed here,

71
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:47,660
which contains the thighbone
of St Erasmus,

72
00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:49,540
represents nothing less

73
00:03:49,540 --> 00:03:53,260
than the first fingers
of the morning light of civilisation

74
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:56,780
as they pushed back
the shadows of the Dark Ages

75
00:03:56,780 --> 00:03:58,460
across the plains of Europe.

76
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:04,620
This humble vessel
is the work of just one man,

77
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:09,980
and if we climb a little closer,
we can just make out his signature.

78
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'Gislebertus hoc fecit.'
Gislebertus made this.

79
00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:22,100
The relic it contains,
a simple human bone,

80
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:26,020
for the Catholic, at least,
is sacred beyond all comprehension.

81
00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:30,100
It is, of course,
absolutely priceless.

82
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,180
SMASH!

83
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:42,060
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS

84
00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:20,340
Hmm.

85
00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:49,260
Ta-da!

86
00:06:16,020 --> 00:06:19,220
No! Stop!

87
00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:30,820
- Ah.
- Mmm!

88
00:06:41,940 --> 00:06:44,700
CHEERING

89
00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:46,460
BELL DINGS

90
00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:53,180
Right, Davey.
What the bloody hell was that?

91
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:56,620
You let that talentless little runt
back in this fight, you want shooting.

92
00:06:56,620 --> 00:06:59,140
Seriously, go on, Davey.
What happened to you in that round?

93
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,500
Is it 'cause of what I said before?

94
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,420
Yeah? That was nothing.
It was nothing.

95
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:07,180
It was just words,
first thing that come into me head.

96
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:08,980
You need to focus on the job in hand.

97
00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:10,140
I see fairies too.

98
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:11,900
What?

99
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:13,900
I always thought I was the only one.

100
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,820
Small geezers, ain't they, guv, with
wings and pointy ears and tiny hats?

101
00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:20,380
Yeah, that's them. Bloody hell.
Where'd you see yours?

102
00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:22,380
Behind the shed,
next to the compost.

103
00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:24,140
They showed me
all this stuff they got.

104
00:07:24,140 --> 00:07:27,060
Silks and quinces and robin's eggs.

105
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:30,260
Recently, they've started
making their own bicycles

106
00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:31,860
out of cobwebs and sprouts.

107
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:35,820
And they...and they sing songs to
me. Such beautiful songs, like...

108
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:38,420
# From lowly mole to lark on high

109
00:07:38,420 --> 00:07:42,180
♪ Attend to our sweet lullaby... ♪

110
00:07:43,460 --> 00:07:46,460
MAN: Seconds out,
12th and final round.

111
00:07:46,460 --> 00:07:50,180
Just win this stupid fight, will you,
son? Do it for the little fellas.

112
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:57,860
Good work, chaps. Five more feet and
we should be under the perimeter fence.

113
00:07:57,860 --> 00:07:58,980
Well done. Keep going.

114
00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:03,380
Mind yourself, blud.

115
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:05,420
Yeah, man. You got all soil
on his shoes and all this.

116
00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:07,540
Dreadfully sorry.
What was I thinking?

117
00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:09,420
And they're, like, well fresh shoes.

118
00:08:09,420 --> 00:08:12,940
Cary Grant wears these shoes when
he's doing all his acting and stuff -

119
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,820
saying the words and pretending
to be things or whatever.

120
00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:17,900
You know my cousin, yeah,
the one you know?

121
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:21,060
The one I've met and shit,
who I know? Her. Yeah.

122
00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:23,820
She noshed off Cary Grant
at the lido in Earlsfield.

123
00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:25,300
Is it? Is it that she did that?

124
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,660
Yeah, she says, but I reckon
it wasn't Cary Grant,

125
00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:30,100
because he, like, wouldn't be
at the lido in Earlsfield.

126
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:32,023
He'd be at the Queenstown Road baths.

127
00:08:32,048 --> 00:08:34,300
Cos it's warmer and they do chips.
For sure.

128
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:38,020
Are you chaps going to lend a hand?
We need to go at least another 14 feet

129
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:40,860
if this escape has a hope in hell
of succeeding. Hear me now,

130
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:43,740
we can't do escaping, isn't it?
Cos I've got all my asthma and shit

131
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,047
and he's got issues around worms.

132
00:08:45,072 --> 00:08:47,660
Yes, I've got all issues around
the issue of being scared of worms,

133
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:50,436
because they're all wriggly and
shit and might go up your bumhole

134
00:08:50,461 --> 00:08:52,300
and give you diseases.
That's actually true.

135
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:55,020
We did that in science, or biology,
or RE, or maths, or something.

136
00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:57,380
And anyway, this tunnel's against
Health and Safety.

137
00:08:57,380 --> 00:08:59,620
You could get closed down
if an inspector saw this.

138
00:08:59,645 --> 00:09:01,860
For God's sake!
There's little enough air as it is.

139
00:09:01,860 --> 00:09:05,300
Don't light your bloody pipes! You
can't actually tell us what to do,

140
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,820
cos you're from the Army
and we're, like, Air Force.

141
00:09:07,820 --> 00:09:10,860
And we never wanted to escape like
this, anyway. We voted for the one

142
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:13,698
where you jump over the thing
with the motorbike and all this.

143
00:09:13,723 --> 00:09:15,164
That would have been bear good.

144
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,940
I'm just asking you
to do the decent thing -

145
00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:23,080
to think of your fellow prisoners and
not about yourselves the entire time.

146
00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:25,940
Yeah, but like I said,
you can't tell us what to do.

147
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,653
He just said that.
Weren't you listening?

148
00:09:27,678 --> 00:09:30,140
You can't tell us what to do.
It's like, workplace bullying.

149
00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:33,860
It's, like, psychological violence.
Harassment in the workplace.

150
00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:36,180
I've got a leaflet about it
and everything.

151
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,380
Fine. Fine. Do what you want.

152
00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:41,460
But if we don't escape from here
and the Allies end up losing this war

153
00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:44,940
and Hitler marches into London,
I hope you can both sleep at night.

154
00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:51,860
I had a dream last night
where I had a magic hat.

155
00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:52,900
Random.

156
00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:59,860
HE MUTTERS
Please... No.

157
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,460
No. What have you done to her?

158
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:04,500
Aah! What have you done to her?!

159
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,300
Hey, shh.

160
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,100
It's OK. It's OK.
It was just a dream, all right?

161
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,540
It's a nightmare.

162
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:11,980
Oh, God.

163
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:15,060
Oh, God. It was awful.
I mean, your face.

164
00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:17,100
Your face, it was...

165
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,020
Agh!
SHE SNARLS

166
00:10:19,020 --> 00:10:20,740
Noooo!

167
00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:25,820
Shh. John, it's OK. It's OK.
You were just having a bad dream.

168
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:29,740
Tell me, what is it?

169
00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:32,100
It's all right. Nothing. Sorry.

170
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,620
Just being stupid.

171
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,820
John?

172
00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:44,740
Ah!

173
00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:46,540
AH!
WIND RUSHES

174
00:10:46,540 --> 00:10:51,260
Julie! Noooooooo!

175
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,220
Hey, it's OK.
It was just a bad dream.

176
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,500
Yeah.

177
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,020
What is it, darling?

178
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:01,740
What are you doing?

179
00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:03,580
John! Tsk.

180
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:21,980
EERIE WHISPER: You've disturbed us.
This is my house. You've disturbed us.

181
00:11:21,980 --> 00:11:23,420
Argh!
GROWLING

182
00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:25,860
Only to be expected.

183
00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:28,100
ROARING

184
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:31,300
And there she is.

185
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,420
Mmm!

186
00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:35,900
Hey.

187
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,380
It's OK. It's just a dream.

188
00:11:37,380 --> 00:11:38,860
Just having a bad dream. Tits!

189
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:42,020
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm having a nightmare. Stop it!

190
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:43,660
Pass the phone,
you melty-faced bitch.

191
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,220
What?! What's going on, John?

192
00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:46,460
It doesn't matter, does it?

193
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:49,260
Something awful will happen
at any second and I'll wake up.

194
00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:52,660
...Yeah. Paul, it's John...

195
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:54,540
Yeah, yeah.
I do know what time it is.

196
00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:56,612
Just wanted to let you
know you're a fat prick

197
00:11:56,637 --> 00:11:58,420
and you can stick your
job up your arse.

198
00:11:58,420 --> 00:12:00,780
I couldn't give a shit.
Oh, yeah - and your wife's a bastard.

199
00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:03,420
See you in the morning
when I eventually wake up.

200
00:12:03,420 --> 00:12:04,660
What the hell's going on?!

201
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:06,980
Oh, you know - just waiting
for your flesh to liquefy.

202
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:09,900
Ow.

203
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:14,700
This isn't a nightmare any more,
is it? Tsk. Oh, John!

204
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,540
I've lost my job.

205
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:20,820
I've lost my bloody job.

206
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:24,140
Oh, Jesus. Jesus! JESUS!

207
00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:28,020
DEMONIC VOICE:
Jesus won't help you now!

208
00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:30,500
ROARING

209
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,780
Oh, thank Christ for that!

210
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:35,620
Whew!

211
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:39,060
JAUNTY MUSIC

212
00:12:39,060 --> 00:12:41,220
DOORBELL RINGS

213
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:44,620
Who the devil's pancakes is that,
Veal? Your Aunt Hilda, Mr Stafford.

214
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:46,060
Aunt Hilda?

215
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:47,540
Blast it, Veal!

216
00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:50,500
Why must I be continually plagued
by these aged bitches?

217
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,780
No doubt she's come round here
to kowtow me

218
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,940
into attending my mother's funeral
or some such poppycock.

219
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:59,620
Get rid of her, would you, Veal?
I'll tell her you're indisposed, shall I?

220
00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:02,100
Well, I was gonna suggest
you knock her out with chloroform,

221
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,885
weight her down with bricks
and then pop her into the canal,

222
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,300
but I suppose that might work.

223
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,260
Very good, sir.

224
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:13,620
Lady Cartwright, I'm afraid
your nephew is currently unable to...

225
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:17,580
You'll understand, Veal, that it was
necessary for me to strike you just then.

226
00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:20,454
I thought you might be about
to knock me out with chloroform.

227
00:13:20,479 --> 00:13:22,540
A most sensible precaution,
Lady Cartwright.

228
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,700
Stay where you are, Veal,
or I'll cut you.

229
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:28,460
Now, listen to me, Charlie,
you ham-skulled dunderbuttocks.

230
00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,660
My goddaughter Eustacia wishes to...

231
00:13:32,660 --> 00:13:35,340
Now, then, Veal,
if it's not too much trouble,

232
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:38,340
I'd like you please to escort
my aunt up to the Grand Union.

233
00:13:38,340 --> 00:13:41,620
Oh, and on your way back,
pick up two girls who do everything.

234
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,740
Certainly, sir.

235
00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,020
Ladies and gentlemen,

236
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:50,180
after 12 rounds of championship
boxing,

237
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:53,860
we go to the judges' scorecards.

238
00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:00,300
Those scorecards will be with us
very shortly.

239
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:03,180
CHEERING

240
00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:05,460
Uh, we'd like to thank you
for your support tonight

241
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:08,660
and invite you to show your
appreciation for both fighters.

242
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:11,140
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

243
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:15,900
Not sure what else I can tell you,
until we get the...

244
00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:23,420
Sometimes, mice speak to me.

245
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:28,220
They poke their little noses
through a hole in the skirting board

246
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:29,420
and bid me good day.

247
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:31,780
Then they ask me
if I've got the correct time,

248
00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:34,060
or if I know the way
to St Paul's Cathedral.

249
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:36,940
And they're always
immaculately dressed.

250
00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:40,460
There was actually this one mouse
who actually had a monocle and he...

251
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:42,140
Oh, David Collins is the winner!

252
00:14:42,140 --> 00:14:45,220
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

253
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:49,300
Oh, hi, Tom. I was wondering...
Hey, Fred. Freddie. Frederick.

254
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:50,460
Frederick the Great.

255
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:51,820
Frederico.

256
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:53,660
Freddie Fredster.

257
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,860
The Frederator. The Great Fredini.

258
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:59,540
Fredelicious. Ready, Freddie, go!
Fred's Atomic Dustbin.

259
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:01,460
Fredknobs And Broomsticks. Fred West.

260
00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:05,260
Freddie Versus Jason.
Freddie Flintstone. Freddie Flintoff.

261
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:09,460
Freddie Mercury. FredEx. Today's the day
the Freddie bears have their picnic.

262
00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:12,940
All right... Hold on. I haven't
finished yet. Er... Roger Frederer!

263
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:16,980
Uh... Fred Zeppelin. The...the
Frederal Bureau Of Investigation.

264
00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:20,660
Fred-and-butter pudding.
All right, mate... Fred Dwarf!

265
00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:22,500
Er, yeah, that's it. Go on.

266
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:27,020
I was just wondering... Actually,
Fred, I'm in a rush. Sorry.

267
00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:34,900
Disappeared in a hot-air balloon
over the Alps never to be seen again.

268
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:39,740
A man of God, and such enthusiasm!
Of course, they ended up eating him.

269
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:44,540
Caught it in a Turkish bordello.
Of course, he's quite insane now.

270
00:15:49,220 --> 00:15:51,660
# I'm horny

271
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:55,180
# Horny, horny, horny

272
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:56,780
# I'm horny

273
00:15:56,780 --> 00:15:58,860
# Horny, horny, horny

274
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:00,660
# I'm horny

275
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,780
♪ Horny, horny, horny... ♪

276
00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:06,900
OK.

277
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:11,060
HE BEGINS NEW MELODY

278
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:18,500
MUSIC BECOMES UP-TEMPO DANCE TUNE

279
00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:23,420
# Ride on time
Da-da-na

280
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:25,900
# Do-do-do, do-do-do
Ride on time!

281
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,500
# Do-do-do, do-do-do

282
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:32,260
♪ You're such a hot temptation!
Do-do-do... ♪

283
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:36,020
OK.

284
00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:43,100
Well, it sounds like you've been
having a great time.

285
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:45,380
Oh, it's just paradise. It is.

286
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,900
It's the perfect honeymoon.

287
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:49,260
Can I get you another
complementary drink?

288
00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:51,620
Yeah, all right. Thanks very much.
Thank you.

289
00:16:51,620 --> 00:16:53,660
Maybe we should introduce Fiona to
Jim.

290
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:55,620
Should we? She seems really nice.

291
00:16:55,620 --> 00:16:57,140
Oh, come on. Jim's all right.

292
00:16:57,140 --> 00:16:59,498
I had a bit of a heart-to-heart
with him last night,

293
00:16:59,523 --> 00:17:01,100
and actually, he's quite sensitive.

294
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,460
Plus, I think she is single.

295
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:05,460
Here we are. Oh-ho! Thank you.

296
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:07,820
Lovely. Fiona, have you met Jim?

297
00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:09,020
Jim? Jim who?

298
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:11,180
Jim Talon. Aloha.

299
00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:13,340
My ears were burning.

300
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,340
Though that could be 'cause I just tried
to stick me head in a trouser press!

301
00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:17,820
HE LAUGHS

302
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:20,660
Meant to be a cry for help,
but actually, I quite like it.

303
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,780
You know, I think it works.
HE CACKLES

304
00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:24,380
Jim, have you met Fiona?

305
00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:26,100
No. She's never had the pleasure.

306
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:28,060
Aloha, Fiona.

307
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:29,980
Jim Talon. Oh.

308
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,660
Fiona Richards. Aloha.

309
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:37,060
Are we going to be seeing your wife
this evening?

310
00:17:37,060 --> 00:17:41,380
Not unless you're having the same
hallucinations as me! Eh? Badoom-tsh!

311
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:42,740
No, Fiona.

312
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,140
I came on honeymoon on my own,

313
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:47,060
because my wife ran off with the DJ
at our wedding reception.

314
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:49,300
Yeah. It was love at first sight,
apparently.

315
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:52,420
You know, it's quite romantic,
when you think about it.

316
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:54,340
Till you think about it.

317
00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:56,740
I know what it's like.

318
00:17:56,740 --> 00:18:00,900
I, um...I found my life partner
cheating with the next-door neighbour.

319
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,020
Oh, dear. Fiona, that is not nice.

320
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:07,100
Do you know, what's kept me going
through the tough times are these words -

321
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:10,220
"If you're swimming in shit,
it's best to keep your chin up."

322
00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:12,060
Right.

323
00:18:12,060 --> 00:18:15,020
Jim's being very brave, Fiona.
Oh, thanks, Phil.

324
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,780
He's been my rock, this fella.

325
00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:19,540
Mind you, some people say
men cheating is inevitable.

326
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:20,620
Yeah? Who says that?

327
00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:22,660
Well, you do, don't you, Phil? What?

328
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:25,540
Er...not really, no.

329
00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:28,900
Yeah, you did. Last night, when
we were having that heart-to-heart.

330
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:32,340
What was that you said about men
always needing more than one partner

331
00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:36,060
and it's only the, you know,
"veneer of human morality"

332
00:18:36,060 --> 00:18:38,820
that places such importance on
fidelity?

333
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:39,980
Did you?

334
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:41,700
That's not strictly accurate, no.

335
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:44,420
Yeah, because you also said...
Um... That's right.

336
00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:48,060
"Subconsciously, women actually
attach value to a promiscuous mate

337
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:51,700
"and it's only, again,
the...veneer of human morality..."

338
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:53,700
That IS one of your phrases.

339
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:54,980
...that makes men feel shameful,

340
00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:57,435
forcing them to have affairs
and see prostitutes.

341
00:18:57,460 --> 00:18:59,940
That's right, isn't it, Phil?
Do you believe that?

342
00:18:59,940 --> 00:19:02,860
Well, no. Jim's taking my words
just slightly out of context.

343
00:19:02,860 --> 00:19:05,620
Oh, yeah. That old chestnut.
Don't have a go at him, love.

344
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:08,580
He gets enough grief from this one
already. Don't you, mate?

345
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,380
What have you been saying?!

346
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:12,340
Well, thanks a lot, Phil!

347
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:13,900
Sorry.

348
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:15,540
I'll go and check on her.

349
00:19:15,540 --> 00:19:18,980
Hey, you will let me know if I'm
getting in the way, won't you, mate?

350
00:19:18,980 --> 00:19:21,180
I don't want to be a gooseberry
like her.

351
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:22,980
Oh! Tide's gone out.

352
00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:25,700
Oi, oi! She won't be needing this,
then, will she?

353
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,340
PIANIST PLAYS GREENSLEEVES

354
00:19:30,340 --> 00:19:33,940
Yes, he drank 12 shots of absinthe,
then tried to swim the Channel.

355
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,900
Hypnotised into believing
he was a steam locomotive.

356
00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:38,940
A very rum affair.

357
00:19:38,940 --> 00:19:43,420
All that was left was his top hat and
his silk scarf. The rest was just dust.

358
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:49,860
HE CONCLUDES GREENSLEEVES

359
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:53,580
HE PLAYS POP MELODY

360
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:01,220
# You, sir!

361
00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:04,740
# I want to take you to a gay bar

362
00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:07,180
# I want to take you to a gay bar

363
00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:09,740
# I want to take you to a gay bar

364
00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:11,860
# Gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!

365
00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:13,740
♪ You... ♪

366
00:20:15,420 --> 00:20:16,940
No?

367
00:20:20,740 --> 00:20:22,660
# I got something to put in you!

368
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:24,380
HE RESUMES MELODY

369
00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:25,820
# Ahhh, in you!

370
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:28,940
♪ I got something to put in you! ♪

371
00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:36,860
'Hot meals are important
for vitality,

372
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:40,340
'but eating large amounts
can lead to corpulence

373
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:44,220
'and being corpulent can make
some everyday tasks difficult,

374
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:46,540
'even dangerous.

375
00:20:46,540 --> 00:20:48,860
'But heart attacks are preventable.'

376
00:20:48,860 --> 00:20:49,940
HE WHISTLES

377
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,140
'Stop.

378
00:20:55,140 --> 00:21:00,020
'Yes. If you're a little on the
larger side, best avoid exercise...'

379
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:05,300
Come on, boys!

380
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:06,420
'...because fatness

381
00:21:06,420 --> 00:21:08,220
'and fitness don't mix.'

382
00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:13,620
Tom!

383
00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:16,300
I thought it was you.
How the hell are you?

384
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:17,980
Hey! Mick!

385
00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,420
Mickey!

386
00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:21,860
The Mickster. The Mickmeister.

387
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:23,940
Slick Mick. Mickaelmas.

388
00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:25,700
Mick 'Mac' McMichael.

389
00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:27,820
Mickey Mouse. Mickey Spillane.

390
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:28,860
The Michelin Man.

391
00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:30,780
Tricky Mickey. Mickey-Tikki-Tavi.

392
00:21:30,780 --> 00:21:34,220
Mickshaw. The Mickwick Papers.
Junior Mickstart.

393
00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:36,821
Ooh, Mickey, you're so fine,
you're so fine, you blow my mind

394
00:21:36,846 --> 00:21:38,060
Hey, Mickey!
Actually, Tom...

395
00:21:38,060 --> 00:21:41,340
Hey, Mickey! Ahem. Yeah.
Actually, Tom, it's Nick.

396
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:44,060
Oh, my God. How embarrassing.

397
00:21:44,060 --> 00:21:45,980
Hey, no. Look,
they're very easy to confuse.

398
00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:49,060
It's no excuse. No. Sorry.
I feel mortified.

399
00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:51,860
I'm so sorry, Nick.

400
00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:53,020
Nicky.

401
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,340
The Nickster. The Nickmeister.

402
00:21:55,340 --> 00:21:57,940
Slick Nick. Nickaelmas.

403
00:21:57,940 --> 00:21:59,340
Nick 'Nac' NcNichael.

404
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:04,100
Nicky Mouse. Nicky Spillane.
The Nichelin Man. Tricky Nicky.

405
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:06,340
Nicky-Tikki-Tavi.
Ooh, Nicky, you're so fine,

406
00:22:06,365 --> 00:22:08,580
you're so fine, you blow my mind.
Hey, Nicky!

407
00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:10,620
Er, yeah, Tom... Hey, Nicky!

408
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:14,420
Well, it's good to see you, Tom.

409
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,580
Yeah, yeah. Great to catch up.

410
00:22:18,260 --> 00:22:21,420
IN GERMAN ACCENT: Gentlemen,
a Red Cross parcel has arrived.

411
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:22,620
Unit...
CLANKING

412
00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:23,700
What is zat noise?

413
00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:26,820
No idea, blud.
I bet you've got an ear infection.

414
00:22:26,820 --> 00:22:30,100
I should go clinic, or go GP, or go
health centre, or some shit like that.

415
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:31,740
Hang on, what do you mean "no idea?"

416
00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:34,300
They're digging a tunnel,
you remtard, underneath the hut.

417
00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:37,220
Yeah, and they told us not to tell
anyone and you just have,

418
00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:38,900
so who's gay now?

419
00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:40,100
Shit.

420
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:41,780
A tunnel is being dug?

421
00:22:41,780 --> 00:22:44,380
Holen Sie mir Hilfe!

422
00:22:44,380 --> 00:22:47,860
There is an escape planned, yes? Yes, they
want to go to Switzerland, or something.

423
00:22:47,860 --> 00:22:50,613
It does all skiing and shit and
snowboarding there, isn't it?

424
00:22:50,638 --> 00:22:51,900
For real. I went skiing once

425
00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:55,780
on the dry slope at Bracknell with a girl.
Cost me eight bob and she never put out.

426
00:22:55,780 --> 00:22:57,340
Harsh.

427
00:22:57,340 --> 00:22:58,660
You know what I'm saying?

428
00:22:58,660 --> 00:23:02,260
Not putting out after eight bob -
that's like stealing.

429
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:04,260
Why are you not digging also?

430
00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:06,420
Do I look like I've got
special needs?

431
00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,481
They asked us, but we
were like, "Yeah, right.

432
00:23:09,506 --> 00:23:11,260
We really wanna be
underground in the dark,

433
00:23:11,260 --> 00:23:14,340
"digging out dirt and shit,
and shit and shit, with a teaspoon."

434
00:23:14,340 --> 00:23:16,964
They're not even paying minimum
wage, which is actually illegal.

435
00:23:16,989 --> 00:23:18,700
They're putting the
soil in their trousers

436
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:21,340
and getting rid of it outside. Which
is nasty. Earth in your trousers?

437
00:23:21,340 --> 00:23:23,540
That's where your balls
and everything is.

438
00:23:23,540 --> 00:23:26,340
That's well skanky, bred.

439
00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,380
RHYTHMIC KNOCKING

440
00:23:28,380 --> 00:23:30,740
What is that?
That's the secret signal.

441
00:23:30,740 --> 00:23:33,973
We're supposed to knock back to say
the coast is clear, or something.

442
00:23:33,998 --> 00:23:35,220
Give the all-clear signal.

443
00:23:35,220 --> 00:23:37,460
No way, you massive gaylord.

444
00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:41,820
What are you gonna do,
shoot me in the head with your gun?

445
00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:43,260
This isn't Nazi Germany.

446
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:44,820
Yes, it is.

447
00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:48,660
It actually is.

448
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:51,260
Nazi Germany is, like, literally
exactly where we are.

449
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:56,300
Give the all-clear signal.

450
00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:57,860
And I am not a gaylord.

451
00:24:06,780 --> 00:24:08,563
You've betrayed us to
the enemy, you idiots!

452
00:24:08,588 --> 00:24:10,980
Yeah, well, you've got a soily
ball sack, so you can't talk.

453
00:24:10,980 --> 00:24:12,340
Isn't it? Isn't it, though?

454
00:24:12,340 --> 00:24:13,740
Soily.

455
00:24:14,700 --> 00:24:17,700
As far as he's concerned,
we're just two arms buyers

456
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:20,420
looking to acquire some of
his finely made Kalashnikovs.

457
00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:23,100
No reason to suspect otherwise.

458
00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:26,540
Here he is. Stay sharp.

459
00:24:32,820 --> 00:24:38,380
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

460
00:24:38,380 --> 00:24:41,380
I thought I'd find you boys here.
Sir!

461
00:24:41,380 --> 00:24:45,580
What on earth are you doing here at this
ridiculous hour? Don't tell me - working.

462
00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:48,980
Sir, we've organised a weapons deal with
Nikolai Drago. He'll be here any second!

463
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:52,340
Which sounds like a fantastic piece of
work, Andrew, but work which nonetheless

464
00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:55,620
can take place between
the hours of 9:00 and 5:00,

465
00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:58,420
and not at 2:30 in the morning.

466
00:24:58,420 --> 00:25:01,340
Nikolai Drago can wait until tomorrow.

467
00:25:01,340 --> 00:25:04,060
That's just the point - he can't!
He's leaving the country tonight!

468
00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:07,540
Here he is!
MAN COCKS GUN

469
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,140
Quick! Move!
SHOOTING

470
00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:16,020
Damn. They must have known
it was a set-up.

471
00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:17,500
I should have seen this coming.

472
00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:20,100
That's what happens
when you work late, Andrew.

473
00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:21,460
Mistakes get made.

474
00:25:21,460 --> 00:25:23,100
Lucky for you I'm your boss.

475
00:25:23,100 --> 00:25:25,580
Now, keep your heads down.

476
00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,780
Wow. Good shot, sir.

477
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,100
See you in the morning!

478
00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:34,500
HE FIRES GUN

479
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:35,860
I'll get the croissants.

480
00:25:37,860 --> 00:25:40,820
Yoo-hoo!

481
00:25:40,820 --> 00:25:42,900
Hello.

482
00:25:42,900 --> 00:25:44,380
Hello?

483
00:25:44,380 --> 00:25:48,060
Ah. Right, well, I don't know
if you've heard the news,

484
00:25:48,060 --> 00:25:49,940
but Henrietta's still poorly,

485
00:25:49,940 --> 00:25:53,020
so I'm gonna be working
as your assistant on your next book.

486
00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:57,740
My name's Zachary.
I'm from the employment agency.

487
00:25:57,740 --> 00:26:00,260
I thought you might blink
or something to acknowledge that.

488
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:05,780
Lovely. Manners cost nothing,
do they?

489
00:26:05,780 --> 00:26:09,580
Now, before we get started, I have
got a teeny confession to make.

490
00:26:09,580 --> 00:26:12,340
I have got your book, I just haven't
got round to reading it.

491
00:26:12,340 --> 00:26:15,740
Looked a bit minimal,
to be honest, you know?

492
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:19,300
The idea of you lying there,
locked up in your own thoughts?

493
00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:21,300
No, thank you! Ooh!

494
00:26:21,300 --> 00:26:23,260
Still, some people liked it,
didn't they?

495
00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:26,300
No accounting for taste, is there?
HE LAUGHS

496
00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:32,940
We might as well get started, eh?
Now, if I've understood this right,

497
00:26:32,940 --> 00:26:35,660
I basically go through the alphabet

498
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:38,580
and you blink at the
appropriate letter. OK.

499
00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:40,540
So, um... A.

500
00:26:40,540 --> 00:26:41,620
B.

501
00:26:41,620 --> 00:26:43,740
C. D.

502
00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:44,980
E...

503
00:26:44,980 --> 00:26:46,260
V?

504
00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:47,780
W.

505
00:26:47,780 --> 00:26:49,100
X?

506
00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,420
Y?

507
00:26:50,420 --> 00:26:51,740
Z?

508
00:26:52,780 --> 00:26:54,740
You didn't blink.
Why didn't you blink?

509
00:26:54,740 --> 00:26:58,420
Ooh - can't tell me, can you? Um...

510
00:26:58,420 --> 00:26:59,780
Why didn't you blink?

511
00:26:59,780 --> 00:27:02,260
A. B...

512
00:27:02,260 --> 00:27:04,300
Ooh! B!

513
00:27:04,300 --> 00:27:06,780
Right. Let me just find a pen. Ooh!

514
00:27:06,780 --> 00:27:08,860
Right.

515
00:27:08,860 --> 00:27:10,140
B.

516
00:27:11,740 --> 00:27:12,820
W?

517
00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:14,220
X?

518
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,300
Y?

519
00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:17,500
Brilliant!

520
00:27:17,500 --> 00:27:19,780
Y.

521
00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:23,300
Oh, I see!

522
00:27:23,300 --> 00:27:25,540
Yeah. You didn't blink
because you weren't ready.

523
00:27:25,540 --> 00:27:26,940
Are you ready now?

524
00:27:26,940 --> 00:27:28,500
You are!

525
00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:30,060
HE CHORTLES
Right. Ooh!

526
00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:32,940
It's quite tiring,
this writing lark, isn't it, eh?

527
00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:36,660
Mind you, better than packing pork pies,
which is what I was doing yesterday.

528
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:38,700
Right, then! Onwards and upwards.

529
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,300
Chapter one.

530
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:41,900
A.

531
00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:43,500
B.

532
00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:44,540
C...

533
00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:47,060
V.

534
00:27:47,060 --> 00:27:48,860
W... Ooh!

535
00:27:48,860 --> 00:27:50,580
OK.

536
00:27:59,860 --> 00:28:02,700
Oh, dear. That's not much
of a first line, is it?

537
00:28:02,700 --> 00:28:04,300
HE LAUGHS

538
00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:06,980
I'll just tear that up
and start again, eh?

539
00:28:08,940 --> 00:28:13,820
Don't you worry. I'm going to stay
by your side day after day

540
00:28:13,820 --> 00:28:18,260
until this book is signed,
sealed and delivered.

541
00:28:18,260 --> 00:28:19,780
Now, then...

542
00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:21,580
A. B.

543
00:28:21,580 --> 00:28:26,220
C. D. E...

544
00:28:47,460 --> 00:28:49,500
HE SIGHS

545
00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:51,900
Honey, I'm sorry I got in a strop.
Don't be silly.

546
00:28:51,900 --> 00:28:53,380
My hormones are going nuts.

547
00:28:53,380 --> 00:28:55,140
Honey, it was totally my fault.

548
00:28:55,140 --> 00:28:57,060
Shall we try again? Yeah. Come on.

549
00:28:58,180 --> 00:29:00,420
OK.

550
00:29:00,420 --> 00:29:04,180
And the first one is Aaron. Aaron.

551
00:29:04,180 --> 00:29:06,140
The Aarolator.
'Keep your hair on, Aaron.'

552
00:29:06,140 --> 00:29:08,580
Aaron A G String. Aaroneous Bosch.

553
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:09,980
Yeah, let's go with Aaron.