UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, what?! Offside! Yeah, thanks, ref(!)
Did you see that, Paul?
Something up?
Come on. Something's bothering you. I can tell.
It's just...
Come on, champ. I'm not just your dad.
I'm your best mate, remember?
Well, there's... there's this girl at school.
Oh, I was wondering when this was gonna happen.
Go on.
Well, she was smiling at me in class, so I sent her a text message.
She hasn't sent one back. Oh, dear.
What's her name?
Tilly Green. Tilly Green.
Is that her? Yeah.
Let's have a look.
Well, you see what your problem is there, Paul.
She's way out of your league.
I mean, let's face it, Tilly's no oil painting
but she's clearly a six going on a seven,
whereas you're more... what, a three, maybe four, at a push?
You know? I mean, we could get your ears pinned back,
hose you down with DermaKlenz every morning,
but you're still gonna be fighting the basics.
To be honest with you, Paul, mate,
I'm not 100% convinced you're straight, anyhow.
So before sticking your head in the oven,
try pulling a couple round the other side of the wicket.
Think about it.
I mean, Elton John married a complete munter
then he switched sides, pulled David Furnish!
Worth thinking about.
CHEERING
BELL DINGS
Great work, David. That was right on the money.
Three more rounds of that and this fight is in the bag.
Seriously, kid, that was spot-on. Spot-on. Very good.
You want to think about...
No, it's not even worth saying, 'cause you're doing it anyway.
You was doing it. You was doing it.
Bit of a long minute, this one, ain't it?
Just trying to think what else to tell you.
Er...
Sometimes, I see fairies.
What?
You know - Tinker Bell-style fellas,
sitting on the end of me bed, dancing, doing cartwheels.
They make me these little garlands out of violets and dew,
infused with the scent of cinnamon.
MAN: Seconds out, round 11.
Right. Knock his bloody head off!
BELL DINGS
Come on. Live-feed me, people.
Bulls are colour-blind. Right.
Ian Botham played football for Scunthorpe United.
Your son, sir. Cute. How's Mum doing?
In bed reading Bella. Excellent. Lions can't swim.
Jesus! Des Lynam hates his own moustache.
With you. There's no pepper in Dr Pepper. None? Bollocks!
Goats can climb trees. Good.
The Sunday papers are a waste. Yes, they are. Well done, Susan.
Your newborn son, sir. We've already been introduced, Declan.
BABY CRIES
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS
I'm standing in the Abbey of Vesney,
sheltering from the rain,
much as the pilgrims would have done
who gathered in this building 1,100 years ago.
The reliquary displayed here,
which contains the thighbone of St Erasmus,
represents nothing less
than the first fingers of the morning light of civilisation
as they pushed back the shadows of the Dark Ages
across the plains of Europe.
This humble vessel is the work of just one man,
and if we climb a little closer, we can just make out his signature.
'Gislebertus hoc fecit.' Gislebertus made this.
The relic it contains, a simple human bone,
for the Catholic, at least, is sacred beyond all comprehension.
It is, of course, absolutely priceless.
SMASH!
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS
Hmm.
Ta-da!
No! Stop!
- Ah. - Mmm!
CHEERING
BELL DINGS
Right, Davey. What the bloody hell was that?
You let that talentless little runt back in this fight, you want shooting.
Seriously, go on, Davey. What happened to you in that round?
Is it 'cause of what I said before?
Yeah? That was nothing. It was nothing.
It was just words, first thing that come into me head.
You need to focus on the job in hand.
I see fairies too.
What?
I always thought I was the only one.
Small geezers, ain't they, guv, with wings and pointy ears and tiny hats?
Yeah, that's them. Bloody hell. Where'd you see yours?
Behind the shed, next to the compost.
They showed me all this stuff they got.
Silks and quinces and robin's eggs.
Recently, they've started making their own bicycles
out of cobwebs and sprouts.
And they...and they sing songs to me. Such beautiful songs, like...
# From lowly mole to lark on high
♪ Attend to our sweet lullaby... ♪
MAN: Seconds out, 12th and final round.
Just win this stupid fight, will you, son? Do it for the little fellas.
Good work, chaps. Five more feet and we should be under the perimeter fence.
Well done. Keep going.
Mind yourself, blud.
Yeah, man. You got all soil on his shoes and all this.
Dreadfully sorry. What was I thinking?
And they're, like, well fresh shoes.
Cary Grant wears these shoes when he's doing all his acting and stuff -
saying the words and pretending to be things or whatever.
You know my cousin, yeah, the one you know?
The one I've met and shit, who I know? Her. Yeah.
She noshed off Cary Grant at the lido in Earlsfield.
Is it? Is it that she did that?
Yeah, she says, but I reckon it wasn't Cary Grant,
because he, like, wouldn't be at the lido in Earlsfield.
He'd be at the Queenstown Road baths.
Cos it's warmer and they do chips. For sure.
Are you chaps going to lend a hand? We need to go at least another 14 feet
if this escape has a hope in hell of succeeding. Hear me now,
we can't do escaping, isn't it? Cos I've got all my asthma and shit
and he's got issues around worms.
Yes, I've got all issues around the issue of being scared of worms,
because they're all wriggly and shit and might go up your bumhole
and give you diseases. That's actually true.
We did that in science, or biology, or RE, or maths, or something.
And anyway, this tunnel's against Health and Safety.
You could get closed down if an inspector saw this.
For God's sake! There's little enough air as it is.
Don't light your bloody pipes! You can't actually tell us what to do,
cos you're from the Army and we're, like, Air Force.
And we never wanted to escape like this, anyway. We voted for the one
where you jump over the thing with the motorbike and all this.
That would have been bear good.
I'm just asking you to do the decent thing -
to think of your fellow prisoners and not about yourselves the entire time.
Yeah, but like I said, you can't tell us what to do.
He just said that. Weren't you listening?
You can't tell us what to do. It's like, workplace bullying.
It's, like, psychological violence. Harassment in the workplace.
I've got a leaflet about it and everything.
Fine. Fine. Do what you want.
But if we don't escape from here and the Allies end up losing this war
and Hitler marches into London, I hope you can both sleep at night.
I had a dream last night where I had a magic hat.
Random.
HE MUTTERS Please... No.
No. What have you done to her?
Aah! What have you done to her?!
Hey, shh.
It's OK. It's OK. It was just a dream, all right?
It's a nightmare.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. It was awful. I mean, your face.
Your face, it was...
Agh! SHE SNARLS
Noooo!
Shh. John, it's OK. It's OK. You were just having a bad dream.
Tell me, what is it?
It's all right. Nothing. Sorry.
Just being stupid.
John?
Ah!
AH! WIND RUSHES
Julie! Noooooooo!
Hey, it's OK. It was just a bad dream.
Yeah.
What is it, darling?
What are you doing?
John! Tsk.
EERIE WHISPER: You've disturbed us. This is my house. You've disturbed us.
Argh! GROWLING
Only to be expected.
ROARING
And there she is.
Mmm!
Hey.
It's OK. It's just a dream.
Just having a bad dream. Tits!
What the hell are you doing?! I'm having a nightmare. Stop it!
Pass the phone, you melty-faced bitch.
What?! What's going on, John?
It doesn't matter, does it?
Something awful will happen at any second and I'll wake up.
...Yeah. Paul, it's John...
Yeah, yeah. I do know what time it is.
Just wanted to let you know you're a fat prick
and you can stick your job up your arse.
I couldn't give a shit. Oh, yeah - and your wife's a bastard.
See you in the morning when I eventually wake up.
What the hell's going on?!
Oh, you know - just waiting for your flesh to liquefy.
Ow.
This isn't a nightmare any more, is it? Tsk. Oh, John!
I've lost my job.
I've lost my bloody job.
Oh, Jesus. Jesus! JESUS!
DEMONIC VOICE: Jesus won't help you now!
ROARING
Oh, thank Christ for that!
Whew!
JAUNTY MUSIC
DOORBELL RINGS
Who the devil's pancakes is that, Veal? Your Aunt Hilda, Mr Stafford.
Aunt Hilda?
Blast it, Veal!
Why must I be continually plagued by these aged bitches?
No doubt she's come round here to kowtow me
into attending my mother's funeral or some such poppycock.
Get rid of her, would you, Veal? I'll tell her you're indisposed, shall I?
Well, I was gonna suggest you knock her out with chloroform,
weight her down with bricks and then pop her into the canal,
but I suppose that might work.
Very good, sir.
Lady Cartwright, I'm afraid your nephew is currently unable to...
You'll understand, Veal, that it was necessary for me to strike you just then.
I thought you might be about to knock me out with chloroform.
A most sensible precaution, Lady Cartwright.
Stay where you are, Veal, or I'll cut you.
Now, listen to me, Charlie, you ham-skulled dunderbuttocks.
My goddaughter Eustacia wishes to...
Now, then, Veal, if it's not too much trouble,
I'd like you please to escort my aunt up to the Grand Union.
Oh, and on your way back, pick up two girls who do everything.
Certainly, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen,
after 12 rounds of championship boxing,
we go to the judges' scorecards.
Those scorecards will be with us very shortly.
CHEERING
Uh, we'd like to thank you for your support tonight
and invite you to show your appreciation for both fighters.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Not sure what else I can tell you, until we get the...
Sometimes, mice speak to me.
They poke their little noses through a hole in the skirting board
and bid me good day.
Then they ask me if I've got the correct time,
or if I know the way to St Paul's Cathedral.
And they're always immaculately dressed.
There was actually this one mouse who actually had a monocle and he...
Oh, David Collins is the winner!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, hi, Tom. I was wondering... Hey, Fred. Freddie. Frederick.
Frederick the Great.
Frederico.
Freddie Fredster.
The Frederator. The Great Fredini.
Fredelicious. Ready, Freddie, go! Fred's Atomic Dustbin.
Fredknobs And Broomsticks. Fred West.
Freddie Versus Jason. Freddie Flintstone. Freddie Flintoff.
Freddie Mercury. FredEx. Today's the day the Freddie bears have their picnic.
All right... Hold on. I haven't finished yet. Er... Roger Frederer!
Uh... Fred Zeppelin. The...the Frederal Bureau Of Investigation.
Fred-and-butter pudding. All right, mate... Fred Dwarf!
Er, yeah, that's it. Go on.
I was just wondering... Actually, Fred, I'm in a rush. Sorry.
Disappeared in a hot-air balloon over the Alps never to be seen again.
A man of God, and such enthusiasm! Of course, they ended up eating him.
Caught it in a Turkish bordello. Of course, he's quite insane now.
# I'm horny
# Horny, horny, horny
# I'm horny
# Horny, horny, horny
# I'm horny
♪ Horny, horny, horny... ♪
OK.
HE BEGINS NEW MELODY
MUSIC BECOMES UP-TEMPO DANCE TUNE
# Ride on time Da-da-na
# Do-do-do, do-do-do Ride on time!
# Do-do-do, do-do-do
♪ You're such a hot temptation! Do-do-do... ♪
OK.
Well, it sounds like you've been having a great time.
Oh, it's just paradise. It is.
It's the perfect honeymoon.
Can I get you another complementary drink?
Yeah, all right. Thanks very much. Thank you.
Maybe we should introduce Fiona to Jim.
Should we? She seems really nice.
Oh, come on. Jim's all right.
I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with him last night,
and actually, he's quite sensitive.
Plus, I think she is single.
Here we are. Oh-ho! Thank you.
Lovely. Fiona, have you met Jim?
Jim? Jim who?
Jim Talon. Aloha.
My ears were burning.
Though that could be 'cause I just tried to stick me head in a trouser press!
HE LAUGHS
Meant to be a cry for help, but actually, I quite like it.
You know, I think it works. HE CACKLES
Jim, have you met Fiona?
No. She's never had the pleasure.
Aloha, Fiona.
Jim Talon. Oh.
Fiona Richards. Aloha.
Are we going to be seeing your wife this evening?
Not unless you're having the same hallucinations as me! Eh? Badoom-tsh!
No, Fiona.
I came on honeymoon on my own,
because my wife ran off with the DJ at our wedding reception.
Yeah. It was love at first sight, apparently.
You know, it's quite romantic, when you think about it.
Till you think about it.
I know what it's like.
I, um...I found my life partner cheating with the next-door neighbour.
Oh, dear. Fiona, that is not nice.
Do you know, what's kept me going through the tough times are these words -
"If you're swimming in shit, it's best to keep your chin up."
Right.
Jim's being very brave, Fiona. Oh, thanks, Phil.
He's been my rock, this fella.
Mind you, some people say men cheating is inevitable.
Yeah? Who says that?
Well, you do, don't you, Phil? What?
Er...not really, no.
Yeah, you did. Last night, when we were having that heart-to-heart.
What was that you said about men always needing more than one partner
and it's only the, you know, "veneer of human morality"
that places such importance on fidelity?
Did you?
That's not strictly accurate, no.
Yeah, because you also said... Um... That's right.
"Subconsciously, women actually attach value to a promiscuous mate
"and it's only, again, the...veneer of human morality..."
That IS one of your phrases.
...that makes men feel shameful,
forcing them to have affairs and see prostitutes.
That's right, isn't it, Phil? Do you believe that?
Well, no. Jim's taking my words just slightly out of context.
Oh, yeah. That old chestnut. Don't have a go at him, love.
He gets enough grief from this one already. Don't you, mate?
What have you been saying?!
Well, thanks a lot, Phil!
Sorry.
I'll go and check on her.
Hey, you will let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you, mate?
I don't want to be a gooseberry like her.
Oh! Tide's gone out.
Oi, oi! She won't be needing this, then, will she?
PIANIST PLAYS GREENSLEEVES
Yes, he drank 12 shots of absinthe, then tried to swim the Channel.
Hypnotised into believing he was a steam locomotive.
A very rum affair.
All that was left was his top hat and his silk scarf. The rest was just dust.
HE CONCLUDES GREENSLEEVES
HE PLAYS POP MELODY
# You, sir!
# I want to take you to a gay bar
# Gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!
♪ You... ♪
No?
# I got something to put in you!
HE RESUMES MELODY
# Ahhh, in you!
♪ I got something to put in you! ♪
'Hot meals are important for vitality,
'but eating large amounts can lead to corpulence
'and being corpulent can make some everyday tasks difficult,
'even dangerous.
'But heart attacks are preventable.'
HE WHISTLES
'Stop.
'Yes. If you're a little on the larger side, best avoid exercise...'
Come on, boys!
'...because fatness
'and fitness don't mix.'
Tom!
I thought it was you. How the hell are you?
Hey! Mick!
Mickey!
The Mickster. The Mickmeister.
Slick Mick. Mickaelmas.
Mick 'Mac' McMichael.
Mickey Mouse. Mickey Spillane.
The Michelin Man.
Tricky Mickey. Mickey-Tikki-Tavi.
Mickshaw. The Mickwick Papers. Junior Mickstart.
Ooh, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind
Hey, Mickey! Actually, Tom...
Hey, Mickey! Ahem. Yeah. Actually, Tom, it's Nick.
Oh, my God. How embarrassing.
Hey, no. Look, they're very easy to confuse.
It's no excuse. No. Sorry. I feel mortified.
I'm so sorry, Nick.
Nicky.
The Nickster. The Nickmeister.
Slick Nick. Nickaelmas.
Nick 'Nac' NcNichael.
Nicky Mouse. Nicky Spillane. The Nichelin Man. Tricky Nicky.
Nicky-Tikki-Tavi. Ooh, Nicky, you're so fine,
you're so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Nicky!
Er, yeah, Tom... Hey, Nicky!
Well, it's good to see you, Tom.
Yeah, yeah. Great to catch up.
IN GERMAN ACCENT: Gentlemen, a Red Cross parcel has arrived.
Unit... CLANKING
What is zat noise?
No idea, blud. I bet you've got an ear infection.
I should go clinic, or go GP, or go health centre, or some shit like that.
Hang on, what do you mean "no idea?"
They're digging a tunnel, you remtard, underneath the hut.
Yeah, and they told us not to tell anyone and you just have,
so who's gay now?
Shit.
A tunnel is being dug?
Holen Sie mir Hilfe!
There is an escape planned, yes? Yes, they want to go to Switzerland, or something.
It does all skiing and shit and snowboarding there, isn't it?
For real. I went skiing once
on the dry slope at Bracknell with a girl. Cost me eight bob and she never put out.
Harsh.
You know what I'm saying?
Not putting out after eight bob - that's like stealing.
Why are you not digging also?
Do I look like I've got special needs?
They asked us, but we were like, "Yeah, right.
We really wanna be underground in the dark,
"digging out dirt and shit, and shit and shit, with a teaspoon."
They're not even paying minimum wage, which is actually illegal.
They're putting the soil in their trousers
and getting rid of it outside. Which is nasty. Earth in your trousers?
That's where your balls and everything is.
That's well skanky, bred.
RHYTHMIC KNOCKING
What is that? That's the secret signal.
We're supposed to knock back to say the coast is clear, or something.
Give the all-clear signal.
No way, you massive gaylord.
What are you gonna do, shoot me in the head with your gun?
This isn't Nazi Germany.
Yes, it is.
It actually is.
Nazi Germany is, like, literally exactly where we are.
Give the all-clear signal.
And I am not a gaylord.
You've betrayed us to the enemy, you idiots!
Yeah, well, you've got a soily ball sack, so you can't talk.
Isn't it? Isn't it, though?
Soily.
As far as he's concerned, we're just two arms buyers
looking to acquire some of his finely made Kalashnikovs.
No reason to suspect otherwise.
Here he is. Stay sharp.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
I thought I'd find you boys here. Sir!
What on earth are you doing here at this ridiculous hour? Don't tell me - working.
Sir, we've organised a weapons deal with Nikolai Drago. He'll be here any second!
Which sounds like a fantastic piece of work, Andrew, but work which nonetheless
can take place between the hours of 9:00 and 5:00,
and not at 2:30 in the morning.
Nikolai Drago can wait until tomorrow.
That's just the point - he can't! He's leaving the country tonight!
Here he is! MAN COCKS GUN
Quick! Move! SHOOTING
Damn. They must have known it was a set-up.
I should have seen this coming.
That's what happens when you work late, Andrew.
Mistakes get made.
Lucky for you I'm your boss.
Now, keep your heads down.
Wow. Good shot, sir.
See you in the morning!
HE FIRES GUN
I'll get the croissants.
Yoo-hoo!
Hello.
Hello?
Ah. Right, well, I don't know if you've heard the news,
but Henrietta's still poorly,
so I'm gonna be working as your assistant on your next book.
My name's Zachary. I'm from the employment agency.
I thought you might blink or something to acknowledge that.
Lovely. Manners cost nothing, do they?
Now, before we get started, I have got a teeny confession to make.
I have got your book, I just haven't got round to reading it.
Looked a bit minimal, to be honest, you know?
The idea of you lying there, locked up in your own thoughts?
No, thank you! Ooh!
Still, some people liked it, didn't they?
No accounting for taste, is there? HE LAUGHS
We might as well get started, eh? Now, if I've understood this right,
I basically go through the alphabet
and you blink at the appropriate letter. OK.
So, um... A.
B.
C. D.
E...
V?
W.
X?
Y?
Z?
You didn't blink. Why didn't you blink?
Ooh - can't tell me, can you? Um...
Why didn't you blink?
A. B...
Ooh! B!
Right. Let me just find a pen. Ooh!
Right.
B.
W?
X?
Y?
Brilliant!
Y.
Oh, I see!
Yeah. You didn't blink because you weren't ready.
Are you ready now?
You are!
HE CHORTLES Right. Ooh!
It's quite tiring, this writing lark, isn't it, eh?
Mind you, better than packing pork pies, which is what I was doing yesterday.
Right, then! Onwards and upwards.
Chapter one.
A.
B.
C...
V.
W... Ooh!
OK.
Oh, dear. That's not much of a first line, is it?
HE LAUGHS
I'll just tear that up and start again, eh?
Don't you worry. I'm going to stay by your side day after day
until this book is signed, sealed and delivered.
Now, then...
A. B.
C. D. E...
HE SIGHS
Honey, I'm sorry I got in a strop. Don't be silly.
My hormones are going nuts.
Honey, it was totally my fault.
Shall we try again? Yeah. Come on.
OK.
And the first one is Aaron. Aaron.
The Aarolator. 'Keep your hair on, Aaron.'
Aaron A G String. Aaroneous Bosch.
Yeah, let's go with Aaron.