1
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,360
So you just hold that out at 45 degrees
and it drops straight down.

2
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,960
Oh, brilliant, brilliant.
That's great, thanks.

3
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,760
No problem. Um...
I'm sorry about earlier. Oh, it's fine.

4
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,000
I thought your quote included VAT
and when you said it didn't...

5
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,200
No worries.
Well, I was a bit rude to you.

6
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:51,280
Well, very rude.

7
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,520
It's fine, honestly.
Well, I shouldn't have called you that.

8
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,840
Not a problem. Good!
Well, I'll go and get my chequebook.

9
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,040
Thanks very much. Bye.

10
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,640
BIG BAND MUSIC

11
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,840
'This is the BBC.

12
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,400
'We interrupt the Light Programme
for a newsflash.

13
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:36,800
'Whitehall has confirmed that the Nazi
invasion of Greece has been successful,

14
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,783
'and that a full-scale evacuation

15
00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:42,280
of Allied ground troops, aircraft
and aircrew has taken place.

16
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:47,160
'In a statement, Mr Churchill said
that although the days ahead...'

17
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:57,120
POSH ACCENTS: I bought some
really nice trousers in Camden. Yeah?

18
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,600
They's WELL hardcore,
with all pockets and shit.

19
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,480
Gonna wear them in the
plane for doing fighting?

20
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,440
D'you know what?
What, Blood?

21
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,600
I isn't allowed, or something.

22
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:08,880
No way?

23
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,240
Fo' sho. They ain't uniform or something.

24
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,680
And I can only wear uniform.

25
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,640
This is me - "They's awesome
trousers, man." This is them -

26
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,120
"You've got to wear uniform."

27
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:21,720
That's so unfair, that's like, massively
disrespecting of your trousers.

28
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,240
You know what I'm saying?

29
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,680
At my school, right,
we had a non-uniform day.

30
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,600
Two bob to wear your own clothes.

31
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,240
And that was a well strict school, man.

32
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,560
Winchester.

33
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:33,913
We should do that, right?

34
00:02:33,938 --> 00:02:37,120
They are, like, restricting me
as a person, removing my rights.

35
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,720
We're fighting for freedom and
they're taking away my trousers.

36
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,920
You just want to be you, isn't it?
Isn't it, though? Isn't it?

37
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,280
I'm myself and I don't care what
anyone says because this is me,

38
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,320
I'm myself and I'm always me,
yeah, and that's what I am.

39
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,880
So true, 'cause some people aren't themselves.

40
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,040
They're like someone else or
something, and they're not them.

41
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,640
I like it when we talk
about the deep stuff.

42
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,080
Anyway, catch you later.
Got to talk to the Group Captain. Why?

43
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,880
Something about me painting
my Spitfire yellow.

44
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:06,440
He says that I'm not allowed.

45
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,040
Harsh.

46
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:21,680
Gotcha!

47
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:27,200
I'll buy you an ice cream at the cafe,
then we'd probably better be on our way.

48
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,680
Dad, do we have to go so soon?

49
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,080
I promised your mum
I'd have you home by seven.

50
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,400
Dad...Yeah?

51
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,360
Why DID you and Mum get a divorce?

52
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,920
The thing is, Paul...

53
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,200
..it was all YOUR fault.

54
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:52,400
You see, Mummy and I were perfectly
happy before YOU came along.

55
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,120
What drove us apart
was the strain

56
00:03:54,145 --> 00:03:56,640
of keeping two careers going
while looking after YOU.

57
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,480
The relentless daily grind.

58
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,000
No let up, no relief.

59
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,840
No chink of light.

60
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:07,200
And then your mum lost her figure, put on
too much weight, and mislaid her libido.

61
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,120
Sadly, you destroyed our relationship.

62
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,360
Come on, mate, race you
to the cafe. Come on!

63
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,360
Knees up, knees up, knees up!
Come on, Paul!

64
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,520
The jet's on the runway. Move it, people.

65
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,760
The share price is down four. Hold for six.

66
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,680
Hong Kong won't play ball.
They will.

67
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,600
Frankfurt didn't invent Frankfurters.

68
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,880
OK. A swan's wings can break your arm.

69
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,920
Right. Take two paracetamol
and drink Coke and you faint.

70
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,360
Got it. Neil's dad's got a Porsche
in the garage. Yup.

71
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,080
Bruce Lee was the hardest man
who ever lived. Uh-huh.

72
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,800
This says Audrey Hodgson is a lesbian.
Understood.

73
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:48,840
Hi, honey.

74
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,600
Forgot my files for that meeting.

75
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,080
What are YOU doing here, Peter? Rog...

76
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,280
Surprise!

77
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,640
Happy birthday!

78
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,600
It's not my birthday for six months.

79
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,680
Sorry... Happy Christmas!

80
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,520
In April?
Merry Easter!

81
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,160
This is a surprise Easter party for ME?

82
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,840
Yes!
Fancy dress.

83
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,400
Oh, you shouldn't have!

84
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,440
Well, you've been working
extremely hard, Roger,

85
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:32,080
and we thought we should
celebrate you...working...hard.

86
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,720
But where are the others?

87
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,920
Holly? Erm... I thought YOU
were ringing people, Peter.

88
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:43,000
Oh, sorry, Roger. It looks
like it will just be the two of us.

89
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,120
I can't think of anything I'd like more,

90
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,880
my wife and my best friend!

91
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:52,080
Yes, I suppose it would be difficult
getting hold of people on a Monday morning.

92
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,080
Well, that's right.
A lot of people are busy at 9.30.

93
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,280
How did you know I was coming home?
Well, I saw you in your car.

94
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,280
But I wasn't in my car.
Jeff dropped me off.

95
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,080
If you'll let me finish...

96
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,640
I saw you in your car last week,

97
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,000
and then I saw you in
Jeff's car this morning.

98
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,800
Well, this is SO thoughtful of you.

99
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:17,320
I've never had a surprise Easter party
first thing on a Monday morning before.

100
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,600
I'll get some drinks.

101
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,040
Look, I'm glad you're here, Peter.

102
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,680
You know I mentioned last time I
thought Holly was having an affair?

103
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,440
Yes. Well, there have been developments.

104
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:39,640
MACHINE BEEPS PETER: 'Holly, Holly!
Has Roger gone to work yet?

105
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:45,120
'Put on that sexy negligee I bought you.
I'm coming over. Rrrr...' MACHINE BEEPS

106
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,080
What d'you make of that?

107
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,120
It sounds like Holly's friend, Margaret.

108
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:58,000
Are you sure? I've never been
more certain of anything in my life.

109
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,480
Margaret didn't buy her a sexy negligee.

110
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,400
Oh, she definitely did, no question.

111
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,760
Holly told me when we were planning
your surprise Easter party.

112
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,880
Do women often buy sexy
nightclothes for each other?

113
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,400
Oh, don't try and understand women, Rog.

114
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,560
Life's too short.

115
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,240
Sorry, I forgot to get any booze.

116
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:17,360
Is milk OK?

117
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,240
Holly, what are you like? Huh!

118
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,880
Happy Easter.
Happy Easter.

119
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,120
Happy Easter.

120
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,160
Well, that was fun.
Didn't you have a meeting?

121
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,200
Hah! Sorry, guys. His party...

122
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,720
him no tidy up!

123
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:38,760
See you later.

124
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,800
Good evening. Need I introduce,
at the piano, well-known musician,

125
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,880
entertainer, raconteur and blackguard,
Teddy Fyffe. Good evening.

126
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,120
Which must make me Donald Brabbins.

127
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,840
If we look tanned, it's because
we've just returned

128
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,000
from the Continent, touring our revue.

129
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,520
A shoddy piece of work.

130
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,600
Shoddy, but surprisingly lucrative.

131
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:03,160
Last time Fyffe was in Italy
was in a tank, right, sir? That's right.

132
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,680
Fleeing from the Allies.

133
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,360
HE GIGGLES

134
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,200
He fought with the Nazis, you know.

135
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,360
The next song is on the delights
or otherwise of neighbours.

136
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,560
"Love thy neighbour," the Good
Book says. Matthew, 5:43.

137
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:20,440
We believe in upholding the letter
and spirit of the law, don't we, Fyffe?

138
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,198
Quite so, quite so.
Absolutely.

139
00:08:22,223 --> 00:08:25,824
We've been caught red-handed
too often to be cavalier about it!

140
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,160
# Now I've got a certain neighbour

141
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,960
# I saw her only today

142
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,200
# She's well into her 40s

143
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,640
# Or even older, I'd say

144
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:45,160
# She's still got a glint in her eye

145
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,160
# A twinkle, a sparkle, a smile

146
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,400
# The honest truth is I know what I'd do

147
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,560
# If the chance should arise, I would

148
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,000
# Wouldn't YOU?

149
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,880
# Yes, I'd still do Mrs Palmer

150
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,200
# She's jolly and sprightly and spry

151
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,360
# She looks like a dinner lady

152
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,560
# But she's got a wild glint in her eye

153
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,080
# I bet she's really dirty

154
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,240
# She's been several times round the block

155
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,600
# Where some bill and coo
She'd turn the air blue

156
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,160
# Get down on to all fours
and latch on to your... #

157
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,440
TONE BEEPS

158
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,760
I had my own business. Small, but mine.

159
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,427
Then, for a number of reasons,

160
00:09:25,452 --> 00:09:28,680
that went into receivership,
so did a bit of mini-cabbing.

161
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,320
Then someone torched my car...

162
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,520
Nightmare! That was the end of that.

163
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,449
Then my wife came in with the ad,

164
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:37,560
and to be honest I thought,
"You have gotta be joking!"

165
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,960
But after six months in your
slippers, you think, "Why not?"

166
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,760
And that's when I became a teacher.

167
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,680
Failed in the real world?

168
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,960
Then why not be a teacher?

169
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,640
I was a bit reluctant initially,

170
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,760
but...it's on BBC1 now,

171
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:06,120
so...career-wise, it's a biggie.

172
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,480
I am sure there will be one or two...

173
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,400
family skeletons.

174
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,600
Not as many as Bill Oddie.

175
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,280
Probably about the same as Stephen Fry.

176
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:18,320
Yeah.

177
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,120
'I've done some rummaging
on my father's side,'

178
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,240
but what really intrigues me
is my mother's side,

179
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,404
especially my grandmother.

180
00:10:27,429 --> 00:10:32,960
And, yeah, literally all I know is
that she grew up in Bermondsey.

181
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,640
Right, OK. Well, we have
managed to track her down.

182
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,320
Wow, fantastic!

183
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,560
She's here. Look, in the...
This is the 1921 census. Yeah.

184
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,520
And she is in here with her
four sisters, your great-aunts.

185
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,080
Here we go.
Oh, there they are!

186
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:53,480
"Florence Agnes Davies
of 14 Tadmartin Road,

187
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,880
"aged 20. Whore."

188
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,200
Yes, er, prostitute.

189
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,720
Call girl. No, no.
Yeah... No, I understand...

190
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,534
Well, Tadmartin Road
was a notoriously

191
00:11:14,559 --> 00:11:17,680
poverty-stricken part of
town at that time, so...

192
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:21,040
So many of the girls would have
been driven by necessity to...

193
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,440
Yes, I think that's very likely, yeah.

194
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:26,720
Oh, dear.

195
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,400
Poor Florence.

196
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,680
It... I mean, it just...

197
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,760
It just makes me so angry
to think that, you know...

198
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,600
that she'd find herself
in such a terrible situation.

199
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,600
You know, just totally trapped.

200
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,120
Well, she didn't STAY trapped,
no, because...here we are.

201
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,280
This is the census of 1931,

202
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:58,680
so ten years later, and we find
she's no longer in Tadmartin Road.

203
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:03,000
No, she's now in Radway Gardens,
which is a much plusher part of town.

204
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:06,560
Right. I see. And she's no
longer classified as a whore.

205
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:11,400
Here we are. "Florence Agnes
Davies, 7 Radway Gardens."

206
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,360
Now aged 30. "Brothel keeper."

207
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:22,680
So she's...sort of moved up
into management, as it were.

208
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:25,927
And what's also interesting
is that all of her sisters

209
00:12:25,952 --> 00:12:28,960
are here, so your great-aunts as well.
Here we are.

210
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,640
Edith Bertha, aged 20. "Whore."

211
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:37,080
Victoria Mary, aged 19. "Whore."

212
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,040
Eliza Jane. "Whore."

213
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:44,240
And Susan Elizabeth, who's just 16.

214
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,880
"Whore."

215
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:52,320
Um... Actually, do you know what?

216
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,960
I think I'm more interested
in my father's side.

217
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,120
Well, that's, um...

218
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,120
given me a lot to...

219
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,680
To process, but I am intrigued,

220
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:08,000
much more intrigued, I think,
by my father's parents.

221
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,880
And I'm very excited now
'cause we've managed to track down

222
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:16,280
a gentleman who, as a boy, worked for
my grandfather's bottle factory in Norwich.

223
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,840
So, now, Harry, tell me, what kind of a
factory owner was my grandfather Bertrand?

224
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:25,800
He was a very kind man, was Mr Armstrong.

225
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,760
He had twinkly eyes and a big laugh.

226
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,440
And how old were you when you started?

227
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:38,720
I went to work for his factory
aged 13. Good Lord! 13?

228
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,960
But I remember him well. Oh, yes.

229
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:48,960
Every day, when the factory whistle
sounded and we boys trooped out,

230
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:54,320
he was always there, smiling,
at the factory gates,

231
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,960
with a bag of sweets.

232
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,800
Sweets?
Oh, yes.

233
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,560
"Would you like a sweet, little boy?"
he used to say.

234
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:08,840
And he'd offer you a ride
in his big shiny car. Black it was,

235
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:12,240
with blinds on the windows.

236
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,960
And he had these funny
catchphrases, you know?

237
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:20,480
Cheerful things he was always
saying, you know, like, "Pip-pip!"

238
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,840
and, "Keep on smiling,"

239
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,360
and, "Don't tell your parents."

240
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,160
Is there anything else you'd like to know?

241
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:35,000
Erm...no. That's... That's fine.

242
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,000
Actually, I don't think this is...

243
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,840
I think I might... What's that one
with the celebrity ice skating?

244
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,840
Come on, upload me, people.

245
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,960
The Queen's Speech
is recorded in October. OK.

246
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,720
Don't mix vodka with seafood.
Clear.

247
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,480
Chinese school kids sit on their hands.

248
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,280
Sylvester Stallone can't reverse park.
Yes.

249
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,920
The North Sea is nearly out of cod.

250
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,800
What shall I have instead?
Hake? Fine.

251
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,800
Beaches in Scotland are gorgeous.
Good. Red Bull is illegal in France.

252
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,720
How do they stay awake?
They just go to sleep.

253
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,200
Fair enough. Daley Thompson
married his old schoolteacher.

254
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:06,040
Uh-huh. Drinking your own
urine is good for you. Yup.

255
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,240
Well?

256
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,200
Horses don't like jazz?

257
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,800
What the bloody hell
do I pay you for, Declan?

258
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:22,968
Jimbo Wilkins got
shot down last week

259
00:15:22,993 --> 00:15:25,680
and it was like, really bad
'cause he died and everything.

260
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,920
You know what? What?
I was right next to him.

261
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,000
You're shitting me. I'm like here
and he's just over there.

262
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,080
He goes up in flames, yeah?
Loses control of like, the plane.

263
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,880
And as he's going down,
plunging, he clips my wing

264
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,920
and I almost lose control of
MY plane, then he cries out.

265
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,400
I hear him and he's going,
"I don't wanna die!"

266
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,640
That is so random.

267
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:47,040
You must be well traumatised.
So I goes into the Group Commander,

268
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,880
yeah, the next day, and I says,
"I saw this geezer die, yeah?

269
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,840
"And I almost died myself
so I, like, want compensation."

270
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,200
You should though,
you should get compensation.

271
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,480
That's like, a bad thing to happen.
But HE goes, "No way, Blood.

272
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,480
"F-off."Disrespecting you.

273
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,400
So then this is me to him, OK?

274
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,480
"I ain't going up in my plane
no more without compensation."

275
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,600
He can do his own wars.
Nothing to do with me.

276
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,400
'Cause it's him that wants you to do it.

277
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,840
So HE goes, "If you don't go up
in your plane any more,

278
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,520
"I'm going to punch you
and shit and kick you."

279
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,040
But this is me back to him, OK?

280
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,360
"If you touch me, that's actually assault."

281
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,400
That IS assault. If they touch you.
You can sue them.

282
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,320
I know. So then he's going to, like,
court-martial me as a coward and stuff.

283
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,160
When I am found guilty I am gonna be
taken out and shot by a firing squad.

284
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,960
Now that IS assault.

285
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,800
Yes, you can claim for that.

286
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,960
OK, this is my copy,
which I will keep on file.

287
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,440
You got a solicitor yet? Good lads.

288
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,960
Well, gents, congratulations.
You have finally done it.

289
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,280
But in three months we've
gotta have an album and a tour.

290
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,200
Anyone thinks that will happen

291
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,760
without all of us, me included,
giving it 500% is in for a shock.

292
00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:01,520
This morning, 3.15am, I had Steve Balaban
on the blower from LA. Yeah?

293
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,480
Steve Balaban rang to talk about you guys.

294
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,200
Well done. You deserve it.

295
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,520
Well done. Cheers. Good lad.

296
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:12,920
OK, go back to your hotel and order
the most expensive champagne.

297
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,320
On Monday morning, the hard work starts.

298
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,640
Get out of here. Go on.

299
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,600
Kill them.

300
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,800
Wanker.

301
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,240
SEDATE JIG PLAYS

302
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:49,280
You're not moving quite so freely
as is your wont, Mr Gosling.

303
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,520
You're usually such a wonderful dancer.

304
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:56,440
Unfortunately, Miss Cardew, I am
negotiating an obstruction in my breeches

305
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:01,920
with the same tough, knotty and veined
aspect as a Portuguese sailor's arm.

306
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,200
Mr Komonovski.

307
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,240
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Here he is.

308
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,480
Tony Dorset, the footballing legend.

309
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,440
Stand back, Pieter, he is safe.

310
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:30,560
This is the genius who will manage
my little Premiership football team.

311
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,600
Em... No, I've two years to run
on my contract at Leeds.

312
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,120
Tony, Tony, Tony, don't disappoint me, mm?

313
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,560
I've had a lot of bad luck with managers.

314
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,480
Yeah, well, s-so I've heard.

315
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,600
How is poor Jimmy?

316
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,000
Fine. Fine, fine. Yeah.

317
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,080
He's dead.

318
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,080
What was it in the end?

319
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:53,120
They say a heart attack.
But his age, could have been anything.

320
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:54,800
Yeah, 47.

321
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,040
What was he doing drinking
out of a car battery?

322
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:03,880
Who knows? Who knows why there were
scorpions in Terry McNamara's kit bag, hm?

323
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:08,440
Who knows why Bobby hit himself
round head with cricket bat?

324
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,800
Oh, it's a right old puzzle. Tony, please.

325
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,680
Let us not dwell on their mistakes.

326
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,920
It is a great day when one
gets to meet his hero.

327
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,160
Me? Of course, eh? You know,

328
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,520
one night in Kabul, back in '84,

329
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,800
after a long day fighting with my
brother soldiers, I watched you play

330
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,920
on a tiny black-and-white TV
against Borussia Dortmund.

331
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,480
You took the ball from halfway line
round five players, then calmly chipped it

332
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,640
over the goalkeeper's shoulder
like a Mujahideen warrior.

333
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,800
That was a great game.
It was a Tuesday night...

334
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,160
The day I made my first billion,

335
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,040
I built a statue of you in my home town,
from concrete...

336
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,920
WHISPERS:..and my own blood.

337
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,720
Well, that's a nice gesture.

338
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,280
I've been thinking about
why your lads...Tony, please.

339
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:09,280
There's plenty of time for this.
Let's not ruin a beautiful evening, yeah?

340
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,280
You recognise these?
Em...

341
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,880
'81 Milk Cup semi-final.
Header off back post?

342
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,800
Your short shorts, Tony, eh?

343
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,480
Your little shorty shorts.

344
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,720
Good Lord!

345
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,120
I got them off the eBay.

346
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,000
Well, I got them off a man
who got them off the eBay.

347
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:36,160
A greedy man, but he won't be
so greedy any more.

348
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,200
Sit down, Tony, please.

349
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,120
Would you like some soup? Oh, yeah, great.

350
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:58,720
It's nice, isn't it?

351
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,240
Yeah.

352
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,000
This...is nice, isn't it?

353
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,640
Uh-huh.

354
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,960
Drink up well, because tonight
we make fire together.

355
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:19,880
What?

356
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,960
You and I, let us steal fire from the gods
and make flames like the cavemen.

357
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,600
You don't want to talk tactics?

358
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,600
Tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh.

359
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:42,840
Have you ever seen a man's fluid
in the light of a bonfire, Tony?

360
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,480
No.

361
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,920
It appears quite...

362
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,040
WHISPERS:..black.

363
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,760
Here, take this.

364
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,880
We're going to the stadium,
the east terrace.

365
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,880
The one the council's listed
so it can't be a hotel?

366
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,960
Here. Come.

367
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,120
You can put these on in the car.

368
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,880
Well, if you've been
a good little girl this year...

369
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,520
I have, I have!
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

370
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,120
Say thank you for the present.

371
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,200
Thank you, thank you.
Well, that's my pleasure.

372
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,680
Well, now, a very merry Christmas
to you and have a wonderful year.

373
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:32,040
Thanks. Bye-bye, Santa.
Bye, Santa. Bye. Thank you.

374
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,800
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

375
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:37,360
Kill them!

376
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,840
One...two... Three impacted.

377
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,480
Saw you out with the dog the other day.
How is the old thing?

378
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,080
Ah... Four...five... Six missing.

379
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:56,040
You know, I had a spot of trouble
with MY dog last week.

380
00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:00,200
I was sitting there watching the old
CSI Miami when the dog comes in

381
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,480
dragging along its - excuse
my French - backside,

382
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,600
leaving this long stripe
of shit on the carpet.

383
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,880
Seven...eight... Nine extruded.

384
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:12,880
So I took the little fellow to the vet,

385
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,160
and she said, "His glands need draining."

386
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,480
You have to stick your
fingers into the dog's anus...

387
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,200
11... 12 rotated...

388
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,829
..feel for the swollen gland

389
00:24:26,854 --> 00:24:30,304
and give it a good squeeze
between your thumb and forefinger.

390
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:35,000
And the stuff that comes out... I mean,

391
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,040
it's absolutely putrid.

392
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,640
14... 15 missing.

393
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:44,000
But I've been doing it every day since,

394
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,280
and the carpet's as clean as a whistle.

395
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,160
Are you all right, there?

396
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:11,640
HE UNZIPS

397
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,400
Ohh...!

398
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,880
Bill, where are you? Bill!
President Kennedy has been shot!

399
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,960
Where ARE you? What are you doing?

400
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,560
You have a shapely form, Miss Harwood,
which provokes a rage of delight in me.

401
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,120
And you have a lively tongue,
Captain Jennings.

402
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,320
Indeed, Madam. So lively that,
should you be on the receiving end,

403
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,497
you'd be compelled to cram
your underskirts into your mouth

404
00:25:45,522 --> 00:25:47,424
to keep the windows
from shattering.

405
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,560
Right, and where the BLEEP
is the BLEEP beef?

406
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,960
Chef. Is the BLEEP beef ready?
Yes, Chef.

407
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,760
No, it's NOT BLEEP ready. Look!

408
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,920
That's BLEEP overcooked.
That is a BLEEP disgrace, right?

409
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,920
You are a BLEEP disgrace.

410
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:07,720
Oi! Yes. Kev, what the BLEEP is that?
Ravioli starter.

411
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,320
Take it back!
See all the BLEEP lumps in it.

412
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:13,680
You know, I'd be ashamed to
throw that down my BLEEP toilet.

413
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,200
BLEEP chuck it in the bin!

414
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,720
Who the BLEEP is doing the salmon? Chef.

415
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,280
Oh, God, BLEEP hell.

416
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,520
Jesus Christ! What the BLEEP
have you done there?

417
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,040
Oh... You've BLEEP that up, haven't you?

418
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,073
BLEEP stupid shit-brained twat.

419
00:26:29,098 --> 00:26:32,480
Jesus Christ, have you
always been this BLEEP shit?

420
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,320
Did your BLEEP mum used to BLEEP...?

421
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,160
You are BLEEP...

422
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,160
Guys, guys...

423
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,240
He's dead.

424
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,200
What are we going to do now?

425
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,960
This is absolutely fantastic.

426
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:20,400
Thank you. Chef insists
on simple food, sourced locally.

427
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,760
He makes a fine casserole.

428
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,280
Doesn't he, though?

429
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,435
VOICE OVER TANNOY: And now,

430
00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:35,560
all you many thousands of pilgrims
from every corner of the globe,

431
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:39,600
return to your countries

432
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,840
and spread the Word of the Lord.

433
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:44,880
CROWD APPLAUDS

434
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,600
Go with God's blessing,

435
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:51,880
In nomini Patri et Fili et Spiritus Sancti.

436
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,720
Amen.

437
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,200
CROWD CHEERS

438
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,640
Kill them!

439
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,840
Bill! BILL! Where are you?

440
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,400
What are you doing?