So you just hold that out at 45 degrees and it drops straight down.
Oh, brilliant, brilliant. That's great, thanks.
No problem. Um... I'm sorry about earlier. Oh, it's fine.
I thought your quote included VAT and when you said it didn't...
No worries. Well, I was a bit rude to you.
Well, very rude.
It's fine, honestly. Well, I shouldn't have called you that.
Not a problem. Good! Well, I'll go and get my chequebook.
Thanks very much. Bye.
BIG BAND MUSIC
'This is the BBC.
'We interrupt the Light Programme for a newsflash.
'Whitehall has confirmed that the Nazi invasion of Greece has been successful,
'and that a full-scale evacuation
of Allied ground troops, aircraft and aircrew has taken place.
'In a statement, Mr Churchill said that although the days ahead...'
POSH ACCENTS: I bought some really nice trousers in Camden. Yeah?
They's WELL hardcore, with all pockets and shit.
Gonna wear them in the plane for doing fighting?
D'you know what? What, Blood?
I isn't allowed, or something.
No way?
Fo' sho. They ain't uniform or something.
And I can only wear uniform.
This is me - "They's awesome trousers, man." This is them -
"You've got to wear uniform."
That's so unfair, that's like, massively disrespecting of your trousers.
You know what I'm saying?
At my school, right, we had a non-uniform day.
Two bob to wear your own clothes.
And that was a well strict school, man.
Winchester.
We should do that, right?
They are, like, restricting me as a person, removing my rights.
We're fighting for freedom and they're taking away my trousers.
You just want to be you, isn't it? Isn't it, though? Isn't it?
I'm myself and I don't care what anyone says because this is me,
I'm myself and I'm always me, yeah, and that's what I am.
So true, 'cause some people aren't themselves.
They're like someone else or something, and they're not them.
I like it when we talk about the deep stuff.
Anyway, catch you later. Got to talk to the Group Captain. Why?
Something about me painting my Spitfire yellow.
He says that I'm not allowed.
Harsh.
Gotcha!
I'll buy you an ice cream at the cafe, then we'd probably better be on our way.
Dad, do we have to go so soon?
I promised your mum I'd have you home by seven.
Dad...Yeah?
Why DID you and Mum get a divorce?
The thing is, Paul...
..it was all YOUR fault.
You see, Mummy and I were perfectly happy before YOU came along.
What drove us apart was the strain
of keeping two careers going while looking after YOU.
The relentless daily grind.
No let up, no relief.
No chink of light.
And then your mum lost her figure, put on too much weight, and mislaid her libido.
Sadly, you destroyed our relationship.
Come on, mate, race you to the cafe. Come on!
Knees up, knees up, knees up! Come on, Paul!
The jet's on the runway. Move it, people.
The share price is down four. Hold for six.
Hong Kong won't play ball. They will.
Frankfurt didn't invent Frankfurters.
OK. A swan's wings can break your arm.
Right. Take two paracetamol and drink Coke and you faint.
Got it. Neil's dad's got a Porsche in the garage. Yup.
Bruce Lee was the hardest man who ever lived. Uh-huh.
This says Audrey Hodgson is a lesbian. Understood.
Hi, honey.
Forgot my files for that meeting.
What are YOU doing here, Peter? Rog...
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
It's not my birthday for six months.
Sorry... Happy Christmas!
In April? Merry Easter!
This is a surprise Easter party for ME?
Yes! Fancy dress.
Oh, you shouldn't have!
Well, you've been working extremely hard, Roger,
and we thought we should celebrate you...working...hard.
But where are the others?
Holly? Erm... I thought YOU were ringing people, Peter.
Oh, sorry, Roger. It looks like it will just be the two of us.
I can't think of anything I'd like more,
my wife and my best friend!
Yes, I suppose it would be difficult getting hold of people on a Monday morning.
Well, that's right. A lot of people are busy at 9.30.
How did you know I was coming home? Well, I saw you in your car.
But I wasn't in my car. Jeff dropped me off.
If you'll let me finish...
I saw you in your car last week,
and then I saw you in Jeff's car this morning.
Well, this is SO thoughtful of you.
I've never had a surprise Easter party first thing on a Monday morning before.
I'll get some drinks.
Look, I'm glad you're here, Peter.
You know I mentioned last time I thought Holly was having an affair?
Yes. Well, there have been developments.
MACHINE BEEPS PETER: 'Holly, Holly! Has Roger gone to work yet?
'Put on that sexy negligee I bought you. I'm coming over. Rrrr...' MACHINE BEEPS
What d'you make of that?
It sounds like Holly's friend, Margaret.
Are you sure? I've never been more certain of anything in my life.
Margaret didn't buy her a sexy negligee.
Oh, she definitely did, no question.
Holly told me when we were planning your surprise Easter party.
Do women often buy sexy nightclothes for each other?
Oh, don't try and understand women, Rog.
Life's too short.
Sorry, I forgot to get any booze.
Is milk OK?
Holly, what are you like? Huh!
Happy Easter. Happy Easter.
Well, that was fun. Didn't you have a meeting?
Hah! Sorry, guys. His party...
him no tidy up!
See you later.
Good evening. Need I introduce, at the piano, well-known musician,
entertainer, raconteur and blackguard, Teddy Fyffe. Good evening.
Which must make me Donald Brabbins.
If we look tanned, it's because we've just returned
from the Continent, touring our revue.
A shoddy piece of work.
Shoddy, but surprisingly lucrative.
Last time Fyffe was in Italy was in a tank, right, sir? That's right.
Fleeing from the Allies.
HE GIGGLES
He fought with the Nazis, you know.
The next song is on the delights or otherwise of neighbours.
"Love thy neighbour," the Good Book says. Matthew, 5:43.
We believe in upholding the letter and spirit of the law, don't we, Fyffe?
Quite so, quite so. Absolutely.
We've been caught red-handed too often to be cavalier about it!
# Now I've got a certain neighbour
# I saw her only today
# She's well into her 40s
# Or even older, I'd say
# She's still got a glint in her eye
# A twinkle, a sparkle, a smile
# The honest truth is I know what I'd do
# If the chance should arise, I would
# Wouldn't YOU?
# Yes, I'd still do Mrs Palmer
# She's jolly and sprightly and spry
# She looks like a dinner lady
# But she's got a wild glint in her eye
# I bet she's really dirty
# She's been several times round the block
# Where some bill and coo She'd turn the air blue
# Get down on to all fours and latch on to your... #
TONE BEEPS
I had my own business. Small, but mine.
Then, for a number of reasons,
that went into receivership, so did a bit of mini-cabbing.
Then someone torched my car...
Nightmare! That was the end of that.
Then my wife came in with the ad,
and to be honest I thought, "You have gotta be joking!"
But after six months in your slippers, you think, "Why not?"
And that's when I became a teacher.
Failed in the real world?
Then why not be a teacher?
I was a bit reluctant initially,
but...it's on BBC1 now,
so...career-wise, it's a biggie.
I am sure there will be one or two...
family skeletons.
Not as many as Bill Oddie.
Probably about the same as Stephen Fry.
Yeah.
'I've done some rummaging on my father's side,'
but what really intrigues me is my mother's side,
especially my grandmother.
And, yeah, literally all I know is that she grew up in Bermondsey.
Right, OK. Well, we have managed to track her down.
Wow, fantastic!
She's here. Look, in the... This is the 1921 census. Yeah.
And she is in here with her four sisters, your great-aunts.
Here we go. Oh, there they are!
"Florence Agnes Davies of 14 Tadmartin Road,
"aged 20. Whore."
Yes, er, prostitute.
Call girl. No, no. Yeah... No, I understand...
Well, Tadmartin Road was a notoriously
poverty-stricken part of town at that time, so...
So many of the girls would have been driven by necessity to...
Yes, I think that's very likely, yeah.
Oh, dear.
Poor Florence.
It... I mean, it just...
It just makes me so angry to think that, you know...
that she'd find herself in such a terrible situation.
You know, just totally trapped.
Well, she didn't STAY trapped, no, because...here we are.
This is the census of 1931,
so ten years later, and we find she's no longer in Tadmartin Road.
No, she's now in Radway Gardens, which is a much plusher part of town.
Right. I see. And she's no longer classified as a whore.
Here we are. "Florence Agnes Davies, 7 Radway Gardens."
Now aged 30. "Brothel keeper."
So she's...sort of moved up into management, as it were.
And what's also interesting is that all of her sisters
are here, so your great-aunts as well. Here we are.
Edith Bertha, aged 20. "Whore."
Victoria Mary, aged 19. "Whore."
Eliza Jane. "Whore."
And Susan Elizabeth, who's just 16.
"Whore."
Um... Actually, do you know what?
I think I'm more interested in my father's side.
Well, that's, um...
given me a lot to...
To process, but I am intrigued,
much more intrigued, I think, by my father's parents.
And I'm very excited now 'cause we've managed to track down
a gentleman who, as a boy, worked for my grandfather's bottle factory in Norwich.
So, now, Harry, tell me, what kind of a factory owner was my grandfather Bertrand?
He was a very kind man, was Mr Armstrong.
He had twinkly eyes and a big laugh.
And how old were you when you started?
I went to work for his factory aged 13. Good Lord! 13?
But I remember him well. Oh, yes.
Every day, when the factory whistle sounded and we boys trooped out,
he was always there, smiling, at the factory gates,
with a bag of sweets.
Sweets? Oh, yes.
"Would you like a sweet, little boy?" he used to say.
And he'd offer you a ride in his big shiny car. Black it was,
with blinds on the windows.
And he had these funny catchphrases, you know?
Cheerful things he was always saying, you know, like, "Pip-pip!"
and, "Keep on smiling,"
and, "Don't tell your parents."
Is there anything else you'd like to know?
Erm...no. That's... That's fine.
Actually, I don't think this is...
I think I might... What's that one with the celebrity ice skating?
Come on, upload me, people.
The Queen's Speech is recorded in October. OK.
Don't mix vodka with seafood. Clear.
Chinese school kids sit on their hands.
Sylvester Stallone can't reverse park. Yes.
The North Sea is nearly out of cod.
What shall I have instead? Hake? Fine.
Beaches in Scotland are gorgeous. Good. Red Bull is illegal in France.
How do they stay awake? They just go to sleep.
Fair enough. Daley Thompson married his old schoolteacher.
Uh-huh. Drinking your own urine is good for you. Yup.
Well?
Horses don't like jazz?
What the bloody hell do I pay you for, Declan?
Jimbo Wilkins got shot down last week
and it was like, really bad 'cause he died and everything.
You know what? What? I was right next to him.
You're shitting me. I'm like here and he's just over there.
He goes up in flames, yeah? Loses control of like, the plane.
And as he's going down, plunging, he clips my wing
and I almost lose control of MY plane, then he cries out.
I hear him and he's going, "I don't wanna die!"
That is so random.
You must be well traumatised. So I goes into the Group Commander,
yeah, the next day, and I says, "I saw this geezer die, yeah?
"And I almost died myself so I, like, want compensation."
You should though, you should get compensation.
That's like, a bad thing to happen. But HE goes, "No way, Blood.
"F-off."Disrespecting you.
So then this is me to him, OK?
"I ain't going up in my plane no more without compensation."
He can do his own wars. Nothing to do with me.
'Cause it's him that wants you to do it.
So HE goes, "If you don't go up in your plane any more,
"I'm going to punch you and shit and kick you."
But this is me back to him, OK?
"If you touch me, that's actually assault."
That IS assault. If they touch you. You can sue them.
I know. So then he's going to, like, court-martial me as a coward and stuff.
When I am found guilty I am gonna be taken out and shot by a firing squad.
Now that IS assault.
Yes, you can claim for that.
OK, this is my copy, which I will keep on file.
You got a solicitor yet? Good lads.
Well, gents, congratulations. You have finally done it.
But in three months we've gotta have an album and a tour.
Anyone thinks that will happen
without all of us, me included, giving it 500% is in for a shock.
This morning, 3.15am, I had Steve Balaban on the blower from LA. Yeah?
Steve Balaban rang to talk about you guys.
Well done. You deserve it.
Well done. Cheers. Good lad.
OK, go back to your hotel and order the most expensive champagne.
On Monday morning, the hard work starts.
Get out of here. Go on.
Kill them.
Wanker.
SEDATE JIG PLAYS
You're not moving quite so freely as is your wont, Mr Gosling.
You're usually such a wonderful dancer.
Unfortunately, Miss Cardew, I am negotiating an obstruction in my breeches
with the same tough, knotty and veined aspect as a Portuguese sailor's arm.
Mr Komonovski.
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Here he is.
Tony Dorset, the footballing legend.
Stand back, Pieter, he is safe.
This is the genius who will manage my little Premiership football team.
Em... No, I've two years to run on my contract at Leeds.
Tony, Tony, Tony, don't disappoint me, mm?
I've had a lot of bad luck with managers.
Yeah, well, s-so I've heard.
How is poor Jimmy?
Fine. Fine, fine. Yeah.
He's dead.
What was it in the end?
They say a heart attack. But his age, could have been anything.
Yeah, 47.
What was he doing drinking out of a car battery?
Who knows? Who knows why there were scorpions in Terry McNamara's kit bag, hm?
Who knows why Bobby hit himself round head with cricket bat?
Oh, it's a right old puzzle. Tony, please.
Let us not dwell on their mistakes.
It is a great day when one gets to meet his hero.
Me? Of course, eh? You know,
one night in Kabul, back in '84,
after a long day fighting with my brother soldiers, I watched you play
on a tiny black-and-white TV against Borussia Dortmund.
You took the ball from halfway line round five players, then calmly chipped it
over the goalkeeper's shoulder like a Mujahideen warrior.
That was a great game. It was a Tuesday night...
The day I made my first billion,
I built a statue of you in my home town, from concrete...
WHISPERS:..and my own blood.
Well, that's a nice gesture.
I've been thinking about why your lads...Tony, please.
There's plenty of time for this. Let's not ruin a beautiful evening, yeah?
You recognise these? Em...
'81 Milk Cup semi-final. Header off back post?
Your short shorts, Tony, eh?
Your little shorty shorts.
Good Lord!
I got them off the eBay.
Well, I got them off a man who got them off the eBay.
A greedy man, but he won't be so greedy any more.
Sit down, Tony, please.
Would you like some soup? Oh, yeah, great.
It's nice, isn't it?
Yeah.
This...is nice, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
Drink up well, because tonight we make fire together.
What?
You and I, let us steal fire from the gods and make flames like the cavemen.
You don't want to talk tactics?
Tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh.
Have you ever seen a man's fluid in the light of a bonfire, Tony?
No.
It appears quite...
WHISPERS:..black.
Here, take this.
We're going to the stadium, the east terrace.
The one the council's listed so it can't be a hotel?
Here. Come.
You can put these on in the car.
Well, if you've been a good little girl this year...
I have, I have! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Say thank you for the present.
Thank you, thank you. Well, that's my pleasure.
Well, now, a very merry Christmas to you and have a wonderful year.
Thanks. Bye-bye, Santa. Bye, Santa. Bye. Thank you.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Kill them!
One...two... Three impacted.
Saw you out with the dog the other day. How is the old thing?
Ah... Four...five... Six missing.
You know, I had a spot of trouble with MY dog last week.
I was sitting there watching the old CSI Miami when the dog comes in
dragging along its - excuse my French - backside,
leaving this long stripe of shit on the carpet.
Seven...eight... Nine extruded.
So I took the little fellow to the vet,
and she said, "His glands need draining."
You have to stick your fingers into the dog's anus...
11... 12 rotated...
..feel for the swollen gland
and give it a good squeeze between your thumb and forefinger.
And the stuff that comes out... I mean,
it's absolutely putrid.
14... 15 missing.
But I've been doing it every day since,
and the carpet's as clean as a whistle.
Are you all right, there?
HE UNZIPS
Ohh...!
Bill, where are you? Bill! President Kennedy has been shot!
Where ARE you? What are you doing?
You have a shapely form, Miss Harwood, which provokes a rage of delight in me.
And you have a lively tongue, Captain Jennings.
Indeed, Madam. So lively that, should you be on the receiving end,
you'd be compelled to cram your underskirts into your mouth
to keep the windows from shattering.
Right, and where the BLEEP is the BLEEP beef?
Chef. Is the BLEEP beef ready? Yes, Chef.
No, it's NOT BLEEP ready. Look!
That's BLEEP overcooked. That is a BLEEP disgrace, right?
You are a BLEEP disgrace.
Oi! Yes. Kev, what the BLEEP is that? Ravioli starter.
Take it back! See all the BLEEP lumps in it.
You know, I'd be ashamed to throw that down my BLEEP toilet.
BLEEP chuck it in the bin!
Who the BLEEP is doing the salmon? Chef.
Oh, God, BLEEP hell.
Jesus Christ! What the BLEEP have you done there?
Oh... You've BLEEP that up, haven't you?
BLEEP stupid shit-brained twat.
Jesus Christ, have you always been this BLEEP shit?
Did your BLEEP mum used to BLEEP...?
You are BLEEP...
Guys, guys...
He's dead.
What are we going to do now?
This is absolutely fantastic.
Thank you. Chef insists on simple food, sourced locally.
He makes a fine casserole.
Doesn't he, though?
VOICE OVER TANNOY: And now,
all you many thousands of pilgrims from every corner of the globe,
return to your countries
and spread the Word of the Lord.
CROWD APPLAUDS
Go with God's blessing,
In nomini Patri et Fili et Spiritus Sancti.
Amen.
CROWD CHEERS
Kill them!
Bill! BILL! Where are you?
What are you doing?