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00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,720
MUSIC STARTS

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00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,840
UPPER-CRUST ACCENT: Lucinda felt
it would be tragic to miss Ascot,

3
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,120
particularly with Kipper's horses running,

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00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,200
so we've decided to postpone
Antigua until after the polo.

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00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:47,440
We've actually got Lopez and his crowd
staying that weekend, so, er...

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00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,240
Sorry, old chap, um...
Have you got the time?

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00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,400
Oh, just gone seven.
Do excuse me.

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00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,317
IN A REGIONAL ACCENT:
You're watching Channel 4.

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00:00:58,342 --> 00:01:01,400
And now, time for the
news with Jon Sno-o-w.

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00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,440
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,840
Whoa ho ho! Give it! Whoa ho ho ho!

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DUCKS QUACK

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Gotcha!

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00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,280
Have you been having lessons?

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00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,440
You must've been. That was brilliant.

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00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,592
Anyway, champ,
let's get you an ice cream

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00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:26,464
and then I'd better get you
back home to your mum's. Aah!

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00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,160
Dad?
Yes, me old Wayne Rooney.

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00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,200
Why did Granny have to die?

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Well, when we get old our bodies
become less able to deal with things.

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00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,240
And when anyone drinks as much as Granny
put away, it's always touch and go.

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00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,520
You know how she always had
those Murray Mints that you liked?

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00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,040
That's because Granny thought
if her breath smelt all minty fresh,

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then no-one would notice
she could hardly stand up straight

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00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,840
and that she sometimes
forgot to put her skirt on.

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You know how fun Granny always was with her
dancing and her songs and her funny voices?

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Well, that was alcoholic dementia.

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And then one morning, she drank very
nearly an imperial gallon of Tia Maria

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and her poor, little, old liver
just gave up the ghost.

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If we'd cremated her, she'd have burnt with
a blue flame like a big Christmas pudding.

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00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,320
Right, chocolate or strawberry?

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MUSIC PLAYS ON THE RADIO

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00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,680
I'm sorry, I was just wondering
when the shower might be operational?

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FOREIGN ACCENT: Yes, please?

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Oh, um...when will YOU put in shower unit?

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Um, I ask Tennick. He is best
plumber in all, from whole Poland.

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But his England speaks not so happy.

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Er, Tennick, gdansk litvinenko

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walensa solidarnosc
shower unit bushtatenko?

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00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,720
Um, Rula Lenska.
Mm, yes, he says,

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"Today we make much shower unit.
Tomorrow is finish". Oh, tomorrow!

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00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:12,080
That's wonderful.
Yeah, we are Poles. We work until we die!

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00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:17,000
We send our money always back
for big, big families in Poland.

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You are good English woman.

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00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,680
Mwah, mwah!

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00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:27,040
My wife, she call our baby girl
after you, "Mrs Lewis," eh!

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00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:31,280
Mrs Lewis! Eeeeh! Hey-hey!

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# Diddle lud diddle lud diddle lud...
Hi! Hi!

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♪ Hi!Hi! Diddle lud diddle
lud diddle lud... ♪ Mrs Lewis! Yay!

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Carry on.# Diddle lud diddle
lud diddle lud, diddle lud... #

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ENGLISH ACCENT: Bloody hell,
can't keep this up much longer!

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00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,640
How else are we gonna find work?

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00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,280
I find it richly ironic that he should
raise the issue of education.

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00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,044
Under the previous government,

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school standards fell to their
lowest point since 1947.

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Hear, hear! Hear, hear!

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Pass rates were down,
teachers were paid a pittance

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00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,870
and his department alone
spent £4 billion

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00:04:07,895 --> 00:04:11,000
of the taxpayers' money
on a failing system.

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00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,040
Yaaa! Hear, hear! Hear, hear!

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00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,400
I would suggest the honourable gentleman
has not done his homework on this one.

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I would not be at all surprised
if come the next election

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00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:24,280
the British public sends him
to bed without any supper!

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I'm wearing my wife's knickers.

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APPLAUSE

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00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,680
Good evening and welcome to this
week's edition of How Many Hats?

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00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,760
On our panel this week,
prince of the pop world Ricky Stone.

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00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,760
Hello.

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Writer and broadcaster and magistrate
Lady Margaret Boulding.

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Good evening.
The inimitable Sir Geoffrey Whiting.

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No!

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And making his How Many Hats? debut,

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humorist and scriptwriter
Benjamin Graham. Hello there.

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00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:02,000
Without any further ado, please welcome
our first How Many Hats? contestant.

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00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,280
APPLAUSE

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00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,560
You are Mrs Alfred Daley of St Albans?

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Yes, I am.
Panel, she's all yours.

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How many hats is Mrs Daley wearing?
Ricky, you begin.

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Is the number of hats you're
wearing an odd number?

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APPLAUSE

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00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,560
Good start.
Lady Margaret.

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00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:25,240
Is the number of hats you're
wearing a two-digit number?

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00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,600
No, it isn't. Oh.
Sorry, Lady Margaret.

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00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,360
That's one to us. Sir Geoffrey.

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00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,320
Is the number of hats you're wearing,
perchance...a prime number?

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APPLAUSE

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00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,680
That's interesting.

88
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Benjamin, your hat witness.

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00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,320
Isn't she, um...

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00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,600
I mean, isn't it obvious? I mean...

91
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,280
Right, um...is the number of hats
you're wearing, three hats?

92
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,080
It's back with you, Ricky.

93
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,240
Um, if I multiply the number of hats
you're wearing by seven, would I...

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00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,000
She's wearing three hats!

95
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,560
It's obvious. We can see it.
She's got three hats on.

96
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,280
You've got three hats on, haven't you?

97
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,520
Well, it looks like Ben
has rumbled you, Mrs Daley.

98
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,440
Are you wearing three hats?

99
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,400
Yes, I am!

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00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,400
Good start, panel. That's one to you.

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00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,160
Thank you very much,
Mrs Alfred Daley of St Albans.

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00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:31,120
Our regards to your husband. Let's see
if our next contestant can fox you.

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Please welcome Mr Cyril Jacobs.

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APPLAUSE

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One hat! No! He's wearing one hat!

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I will not be silenced!

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One hat! Well, we appear to be
having some temporary problems

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00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,280
with tonight's transmission
of How Many Hats?

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Until we can return you to it,
here's a picture of Princess Margaret.

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One, two, three, four impacted...

111
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,880
How's the family, all well? Yah.

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00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,600
...Five, six, seven missing.

113
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,360
You know, my youngest
said something the other day.

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00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,960
We're all sitting round the dinner table,

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00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,920
kids, me, wife, wife's mother.

116
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,280
...Eight, nine, ten rotated.

117
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,600
My youngest says to Granny,

118
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,440
"I can now point my willy in the toilet".

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Laughter all round, obviously.

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00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,560
...11, 12, 13.

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Granny smiles and says, "Well done".

122
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,040
So he follows this up with,

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00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:40,280
"Daddy can point his
willy in the toilet, too".

124
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,000
More laughter.

125
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,040
So then he says,

126
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,840
"But Daddy's willy is furry".

127
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,080
Well, that one went down
like a lead balloon.

128
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,520
...14, 15, 16 missing.

129
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:05,120
You know, suddenly everyone's
thinking about Daddy's furry willy.

130
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,960
...17, 18 extruding.

131
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:13,000
There it is, hanging metaphorically
before their faces.

132
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,840
Daddy's big, furry willy.

133
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,440
Blah...there it is. Wobble-obble-obble.

134
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,520
Of course, the irony is,
it's not actually that furry.

135
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,000
I have a rare form of pubic alopecia.

136
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,320
Apparently, it looks like a
Chinaman's beard down there.

137
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,920
Oh, you've got a bit
of saliva on your chin.

138
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:41,880
Oi!

139
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,280
Excuse me, would you pick that up, please?

140
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,520
Look, there's a bin right here.

141
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,520
I'm really sorry about that.

142
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,960
Come on, guys.
Thank you.

143
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,320
I'm wearing my wife's knickers.

144
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:08,920
TELEVISION: The difficulty with having
a breakfast bar in the corner...

145
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,560
DOORBELL CHIMES

146
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,680
...A young couple looking to buy the house
might not want to put the bar there.

147
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,600
So my advice would be to keep things open,

148
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:22,360
pretty much creating an open
pallet for potential buyers...

149
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,720
Dimitri.

150
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,080
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Why are you
disturbing me, Tony, on a Wednesday?

151
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,200
It is PROPERTY LADDER NIGHT!!!

152
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,440
You said to come over
and talk about the team.

153
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:45,240
It's just my little joke, Tony.
Of course. I knew you were coming.

154
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,640
MAN'S VOICE: Oh, oh, please! Please, no!!

155
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,160
What's that?

156
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,280
It's my wife. She's ironing.

157
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,440
No!

158
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,360
No, no, no!

159
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,880
She doesn't like chores.

160
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,440
O'Connor hasn't turned up
for training again.

161
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,920
The rumours might be true
about him going to Arsenal.

162
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,480
No, no, no, no. He's knows
how much I value loyalty.

163
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,320
You know, now I remember,
I think he complained to me

164
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,280
about a twisted ankle. Aaaagh!

165
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,400
And a groin injury, I think.

166
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,040
A groin injury?!
He never mentioned it to me.

167
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,080
Ow! Possibly a broken thumb.

168
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,800
He's not going to Arsenal.

169
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,440
Ah!

170
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,800
Come, Tony, sit, please.

171
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,480
I'm very happy standing.
No, no, no. Please, sit in my chair.

172
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:37,680
Oh, thank you.

173
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,520
See, we can watch Property Ladder together.

174
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,160
It's a bit cramped.

175
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,360
I've known worse.
During my time in the navy,

176
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,920
I was lieutenant on a
submarine in the Baltic

177
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,910
when a destroyer cut
across our bow,

178
00:11:04,935 --> 00:11:07,440
damaging the bulkhead and
sending me right down

179
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,880
to the bottom of the sea.

180
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:18,040
I was alone in a sealed chamber for three
days with no food and very little oxygen.

181
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,840
Gutted.

182
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:26,640
The only thing that kept me going,
Tony, was my black market cassette

183
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:32,360
of your FA Cup single, Tony
Dorset and His Mega-Mix Crew.

184
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,440
We're going to Wembley to win the Cup.

185
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,840
We'll feel all trembly when we hold it up.

186
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:47,480
As I slipped into unconsciousness,
your voice pulled me through.

187
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,560
Can you feel my gratitude, Tony?

188
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,400
Help! Is your wife all right?
Sounds like she needs help.

189
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,920
You know, I think she's
made a bit of a mess.

190
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,000
Please, go with Petr to the double garage.

191
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,066
Under the giant garden jenga
you will find two shovels

192
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:07,144
and some heavy duty
plastic sheeting.

193
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,240
I'll finish off here with Sarah Beeny.

194
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,800
Sophia's going down
with the girls on Thursday.

195
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,600
Well, if I can stay off
the sauce on Saturday,

196
00:12:23,625 --> 00:12:26,360
I'll drive down that
evening with Harry. Yeah.

197
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,560
Oh, he's much better actually.
Really improving, but...

198
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,280
Well, that's what the quack says.
You know, horses for courses.

199
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,920
Sorry, Simon, someone's
just come into the shop.

200
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,400
Look, if you're not going
to buy that, fuck off.

201
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,080
Well, it's the end of the line for...

202
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,680
UPPER-CRUST ACCENTS:
Hello, old man. Pip, pip.

203
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,080
I brought you some grapes and shit.
Whatever.

204
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:55,720
I'm allergic to fruit. I've got this
intolerance. With sweets as well.

205
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,560
It affects my behaviour.
I've got a note and everything.

206
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,720
So you all right then?

207
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,280
Cos you like crashed your plane,
isn't it? In a field.

208
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:09,120
And you like mashed up your
plane and some cows and shit.

209
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,920
You know my legs?

210
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,320
Um. You know how many
I've always had and that?

211
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,480
Like...

212
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,440
Like two legs or some shit like that?

213
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,360
Yah, I've only got one leg now.

214
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,120
Random.

215
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,840
I know. You should've seen
my face when I woke up.

216
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,720
Were you like, "Oh, my God!". Yah.

217
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,280
I was like, "Oh, my God, no way!"
The doctor's going,

218
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,360
"We had to take your leg off and all this."

219
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,640
And I'm like really stressed
out and cussing him bad.

220
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,680
You cussed him up?
Yah, and he's all like,

221
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,392
"Watch your language!"
I'm like, "You can't stop me cussing,

222
00:13:43,417 --> 00:13:45,320
cos I've got a
hyper-activity disorder."

223
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,320
You've got a note and everything.

224
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,860
Then he says he'll get me
a false leg and stuff.

225
00:13:50,885 --> 00:13:52,960
He was kind and gentle
and told me not to worry.

226
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,600
Do you know what I said?
"Are you gay?" Yah.

227
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,500
"Are you bent?" I said.
And he's all, "No way."

228
00:13:58,525 --> 00:14:01,504
And I'm like, "Are you a
batty man or something?"

229
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,440
He does sound well bent.

230
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,560
Anyway, so then he said I
didn't deserve to be looked after

231
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,760
and he was going to take my
false leg and shove it up my arse.

232
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,800
Well, they do that, isn't it, benders?

233
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,360
Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it though? Standard.

234
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,200
BIRDS TWITTER

235
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,680
Ugh.

236
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,440
I'm wearing wife's knickers.

237
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,880
Lovely picnic set. That's nice.

238
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,080
MOTHER CONTINUES TO TALK TO DAUGHTER

239
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,000
SEXY MUSIC BEGINS

240
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,040
What about her?

241
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,200
No, Dad, I want this.
Yeah, but she's...

242
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,200
It's her pocket money, Peter,
let her get what she wants. Come on.

243
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,520
We'll have this, please.
Dinosaur? £10 please.

244
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,200
Thank you very much. OK...

245
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,280
Come on. Um...

246
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,880
Come on, Peter. Yeah...

247
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,280
What do you want to do later? Oh!

248
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,840
Left my shoes in the shop.

249
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,960
CAR ENGINE STARTS
I hope it's a useful seminar.

250
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,600
The thrilling world of financial
systems control.

251
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,800
SEXY MUSIC BEGINS

252
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,040
Bye!

253
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,520
I thought we'd never get away.

254
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,440
# Raindrops keep falling on my head

255
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:22,360
# And just like the guy whose
feet are too big for his bed

256
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,640
# Nothing seems to fit

257
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,080
♪ Those raindrops are falling... ♪

258
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,280
...98, 99, 100.

259
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:35,080
# Because I'm free

260
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,400
♪ Nothing's worrying me... ♪

261
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,480
# It won't be long

262
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:54,920
# Till happiness steps up to meet me

263
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,200
# Raindrops keep falling on my head

264
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:06,360
# But that doesn't mean to say
my eyes will soon be turning red

265
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,560
# Crying's not for me

266
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:14,520
# 'Cause I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complaining

267
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:19,080
# Because I'm free

268
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:25,120
♪ Nothing's worrying...me. ♪

269
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:30,160
Oh...this has been the
happiest day of my life.

270
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,360
You're one very special lady.
And I'm a very lucky man.

271
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,200
I wanted you to have this.

272
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,240
May I?

273
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,800
Beautiful.

274
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:54,560
I want you. Tonight.

275
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,040
We can't, darling, not yet. We just can't.

276
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,000
OK, OK! Look, I'll talk to her.

277
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,160
I'll go in and talk to her, OK?

278
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,360
Darling?

279
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,880
Darling, it's me.

280
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,880
Darling?

281
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,200
Darling?

282
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,440
There's something I need to tell you.

283
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:54,120
Oh, hello, darling. What's going on?
What do you mean?

284
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:58,520
I just thought we could have a
little bit of a lie down, you know?

285
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,480
Before Anna gets back from piano practice.

286
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,960
Oh! Right.

287
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,160
Where are we up to? Moussaka
doesn't need lamb in it. All right.

288
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,080
Dogs commit suicide. Yeah.
Siamese twins are psychic. Yeah.

289
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,200
News readers shave their legs
to keep cool. Yeah.

290
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,280
Crisp packets shrink in the oven.
Got it. I used to be a man.

291
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,960
Happier now? Yes, sir. Good boy.

292
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,280
You can't blame hip-hop
for gun culture. Thanks.

293
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,360
Headache tablets don't do anything.
Okey-dokey.

294
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,720
Hitler didn't like his nose.
Nothing wrong with it.

295
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,040
Moussaka doesn't need lamb in it.
You're too bloody late, Jackland!

296
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:57,240
I was a priest for many years,
but then I had to leave

297
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,040
because of certain allegations,
which were never proved.

298
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:04,000
The bishop didn't want to make
a fuss and so I agreed to go quietly.

299
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,628
But then I found myself
in the outside world

300
00:20:06,653 --> 00:20:09,440
and what exactly does a
42-year-old former priest

301
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,200
with certain allegations
hanging over his head

302
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,200
do with the rest of his life?

303
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,560
And that's when I decided to be a teacher.

304
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:22,600
Teaching. We don't judge, we just hire.

305
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,280
This is fine feasting,
is it not, Sir Rodney?

306
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,760
Indeed, your lordship.

307
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,560
Ha-ha! Agh!

308
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,200
Ha! Ah!

309
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,160
Your lordship, know you how
this chicken was cooked?

310
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,840
I know nothing of its preparation.

311
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,560
Think you it may have involved peanut oil?

312
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,700
Or that it may have been
prepared in a place

313
00:20:47,725 --> 00:20:49,544
where peanuts could
have been present?

314
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:55,000
What? It matters not!
Yah ha ha! Ha ha ha!

315
00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:01,720
Come! Let us all join together
in a wassail. Whey! Ya ha ha!

316
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,280
Hmm. You do not drink, Sir Rodney.

317
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:13,160
It's just that ale is yeast-based
and I have ye yeast intolerance.

318
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,280
I try to avoid mixing the proteins
with the old carby-hydrates.

319
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,730
But what care I for such things
when there's a wassail to be done.

320
00:21:21,755 --> 00:21:23,200
Wassail! Ha ha ha!

321
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,240
Sir Rodney, to your good health!

322
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,560
Your good health, my lord! Ha ha ha ha!

323
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,024
You are an honoured
guest here, Sir Rodney,

324
00:21:33,049 --> 00:21:35,800
yet you do not make merry
with us. I make merry!

325
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,400
Why, watch me make merry! Ha-ha!

326
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,920
Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha...

327
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,200
I'm sorry. I'm causing a fuss, aren't I?

328
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,120
The last thing I wanted is
to spoil anyone's carousing,

329
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,920
which is why I took the liberty

330
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,640
of preparing a special
banquet just for meself.

331
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,960
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

332
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,160
Laa! Naa! Aaah!

333
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,160
You can really taste the coriander.

334
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,720
By not accepting my hospitality,
Sir Rodney, you do me a grave insult.

335
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,040
I'm sorry. You're right.

336
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,120
I'm behaving like a perfect
old fussy damsel.

337
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:21,120
Bring me the next dish and I promise
I shall gorge meself on't. Good man!

338
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,880
Bring forth the meat! APPLAUSE

339
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,040
Ah, my favourite feasting fare.

340
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,680
Ha-ha! Watch as I greedily devour it.

341
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,760
Ha ha! Here... Yaa, ha-ha!

342
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,840
It's a Braeburn!

343
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:40,960
I'm looking for... What's it called?
It's got an unusual name.

344
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,200
Is it history green? Something like that.

345
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,880
I know what you're thinking of,
historical green.

346
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:50,560
That's part of their Georgian range.
It's fabulous, fabulous. Pea green.

347
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,680
A little bit darker than that.

348
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,840
But the best thing about that is...

349
00:22:55,880 --> 00:23:00,040
D'you know? I know exactly what to do
with that. I've got some fantastic samples.

350
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,760
Great. Gilts, distressed silvers,
all in a Georgian style. Excuse me.

351
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,960
Sir?

352
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,360
If you're not going to
buy anything, fuck off.

353
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,200
But wonderfully versatile, as I say. Yes.

354
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,120
Georgian principles.
Right.

355
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,760
All sorts of things against it.

356
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,160
You've got those, you've got
the metal. What about lighting?

357
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:24,880
Lighting, I'd say the golden rule
is no down-lighting at all. Right.

358
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,400
Off you fuck.

359
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,280
You dance impeccably, Miss Harwood.

360
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,760
You've truly awoken
the devil in my imaginings.

361
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:43,440
And you, Captain Jennings,
have stirred something in the region

362
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,760
girded by my most intimate
undergarments. Indeed, madam.

363
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:50,480
And it might interest you that under
the restrictions of my pantaloons,

364
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,360
there's a protrusion so
monstrously tumescent

365
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,326
that were you to avail yourself of it,

366
00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:58,264
I can guarantee your horse
would see no action for a week.

367
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:05,040
Now I'll let you have ten minutes,
but I don't want him getting too tired.

368
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,920
22 years is a long time to be in a coma.

369
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,960
He's going to be feeling very weak. OK?

370
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,240
Hello, Andrew.

371
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:21,880
Mum?

372
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,360
Oh, is it really you, Mum?

373
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:30,040
Yes, it's really me. How are you?

374
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,640
I'm great.

375
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,400
I mean, I'm back from the dead.

376
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,680
Ah! So much I need to find out.

377
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:42,200
There's so much you need to tell
me about the last 22 years.

378
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,840
What's happened since I've
been in that coma, Mum?

379
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,640
Well, Harry Secombe died.

380
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,880
That was sad.

381
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,240
And Marathons are now called Snickers.

382
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,840
Anyway, I'll leave you now.
You must be tired.

383
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,720
But...did you say Marathons
are now called Snickers?

384
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,600
I know, it's a daft name, if you ask me.

385
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,000
It's almost a quarter
of a century, I mean...

386
00:25:09,025 --> 00:25:11,000
Andrew, old son, how are you diddling?

387
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,280
I brought you some tea.

388
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,245
I've just been filling him in
on everything he missed.

389
00:25:15,270 --> 00:25:17,000
Did you tell him about Snickers?

390
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,640
Second thing I mentioned.
I bet that surprised you son. Snickers!

391
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,320
I was sort of wondering
about more...Like an Opal Fruit?

392
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:26,840
Um...Well, you can't have one.
They're called Starburst now!

393
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,960
Really? Yeah, Starburst!
Since when?

394
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,880
Second quarter of '98.

395
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,960
They just changed the name, just like that?

396
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,760
Just like that. 40 years of brand
positioning up the Swannee. Crazy, eh?

397
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,320
Tis a bit mad, in't it?

398
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,625
Anyway, love, we'll let
you get some rest, eh?

399
00:25:43,650 --> 00:25:45,600
I'll get your sister
to pop by tomorrow,

400
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,280
see if she can think of any news
we've missed. Bye-bye.

401
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,920
Ta-ta, son. Bye.

402
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,040
HE SIGHS

403
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,320
Sister?!

404
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:58,480
I was on the books at Rangers
for a couple of years,

405
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,640
but they decided they didn't
want to use me professionally.

406
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,640
So I did personal training
for a bit, but apparently

407
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,720
I was too aggressive and
had very poor people skills.

408
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,200
That was when I thought,
"Why not be a PE teacher?"

409
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,640
Filled with pent-up rage
and want to lash out?

410
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,160
Be a PE teacher.

411
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,007
I don't know if any of you
are familiar, as we are,

412
00:26:24,032 --> 00:26:26,000
with what is known as
inter-city travel?

413
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:30,720
That is to say, traversing the length and
breadth of this sceptred isle by train.

414
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:33,920
Splendid way of getting around,
although not without its drawbacks.

415
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,920
It's very hard to get a decent cup of tea.

416
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,360
And we're resistant to
the charms of the teabag.

417
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,655
Fyffe prefers to take his own flask.
Indeed.

418
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,320
That way he can top it up
with whatever he chooses.

419
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,320
No need to be on licensed premises.

420
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:48,040
Ho-ho! Nor, indeed, within licensed hours.

421
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:54,200
No, I'm being unfair on you. Poor chap
suffers terribly with his digestion.

422
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,640
He has what is known as
a dyspeptic personality.

423
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,200
I have an angry bowel!

424
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:03,960
Quite so. And this makes the aforementioned
mode of transport a shade inconvenient.

425
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,000
Which is what this next song is all about.

426
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,920
# Now I'm a solid gentleman

427
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,800
# As proper as the rest

428
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:18,360
# I'm English through and through
from my socks up to my vest

429
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,000
# Along with this comes etiquette

430
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,120
# Decorum must prevail

431
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:27,560
# Exceptions though are sadly
met when travelling by rail

432
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:31,800
# I like a hearty breakfast
when alighting on a carriage

433
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:36,920
# But libation and vibration
do not make a happy marriage

434
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,360
# Our fullness down below
that builds and creates pressure

435
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:45,920
# Though in the comfort of your
home may afford a certain pleasure

436
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:50,440
# Is an anathema in public
where there is no turning back

437
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,520
# 'Cause the bloody thing
has forced its way

438
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,800
# Almost out your crack!

439
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:03,080
# Have you ever had
to take a shit on a train?

440
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:06,800
# It really is quite a frightful strain

441
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,160
# At first there is the horror
of what you might find in the pan

442
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,760
# A foul, disgusting mess some
other bugger's dumped than ran

443
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,880
# You would not think
it hard to pull the flush

444
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,920
# Until you try yourself and
no water from there does gush

445
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:25,720
# And then you know the matronly
aunt who stands next in the queue

446
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:29,880
♪ Will think the faecal mountain
is entirely down to you. ♪

447
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,520
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING