1
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:48,420
So how did the dog fight
with Jerry go, Biffy?

2
00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:51,232
There was all this shooting,
yeah, with guns and that.

3
00:00:51,257 --> 00:00:53,500
I was, like, freaked out.
It did my head in.

4
00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:56,060
That's so not what you want
in your life right now.

5
00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:58,903
Do you know what I mean?
This is him - "Bang," yeah?

6
00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:00,860
And this is me -
"Bang, bang," yeah?

7
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,380
He's all, "Rat-a-ta-tat,"

8
00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:05,523
and I'm like, "Talk to the gun
cos the cockpit ain't listening."

9
00:01:05,548 --> 00:01:06,860
Know what I'm saying?
Yeah.

10
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,660
You must be stressed out, big time.
Do you know what I mean?

11
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:12,940
They're totally disrespecting us
and, like, really bad racists, innit?

12
00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:15,380
RADIO: 'This is the BBC.'

13
00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:16,940
Hey, check this.

14
00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:18,701
'We now cross to Downing Street

15
00:01:18,726 --> 00:01:21,660
for an address from Mr Churchill,
the Prime Minister.

16
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:24,740
'We shall give them licks on the beaches.

17
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:29,140
'And, like, the landing grounds and that,

18
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:32,420
'and film it on our mobiles big time,

19
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:36,140
'you know what I mean? All the
ladies say "Yeah," say, "Yeah." '

20
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,700
For real!
Isn't it.

21
00:01:38,740 --> 00:01:41,740
Go, Winnie! Go, Winnie! Go, Winnie!

22
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:48,300
And coming up later
in the programme, bird flu.

23
00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:53,740
Will we all die or will there be a handful
of survivors forced to live in caves?

24
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,820
But first, let's catch up
with a few of your emails.

25
00:01:56,860 --> 00:02:01,049
Yes, earlier we were discussing food
prices and Liz has emailed to say,

26
00:02:01,074 --> 00:02:02,620
"Why is food so expensive?

27
00:02:02,660 --> 00:02:06,620
"Some food items cost more than others.
That can't be right, in a democracy."

28
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,669
Good point. Margaret from Ipswich says,

29
00:02:08,694 --> 00:02:11,380
"I blame farmers, they
overcharge for their produce."

30
00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:15,500
Sandra says, "Have you seen the
price of aubergines? It's a scandal!

31
00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:18,580
"Luckily I don't like aubergines."
That IS lucky, Sandra.

32
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:22,079
Clive, a farmer, says,
"Margaret is wrong to blame farmers.

33
00:02:22,104 --> 00:02:24,500
Basically she's talking out of her arse."

34
00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:26,013
Suzanne from Godalming reckons,

35
00:02:26,038 --> 00:02:29,340
"Margaret is right to blame farmers,
everyone knows they're greedy."

36
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:30,783
Another one here from Clive.

37
00:02:30,808 --> 00:02:33,540
He says, "Suzanne is talking
out of her arse as well.

38
00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:35,930
"Would she be prepared
to get up at 4am

39
00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:39,140
on a freezing day in November
and squeeze a cow's tits?

40
00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:43,180
"No, I bet she's some stuck-up
bitch of a housewife."

41
00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:46,029
There's one here from Simon,
also of Godalming.

42
00:02:46,054 --> 00:02:48,780
He says, "Clive is insulting
the woman I love.

43
00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:51,740
"He's a typical farmer, i.e. a lout."

44
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,660
Controversial stuff there.

45
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:56,014
Again, Clive says,
"I'm loading my shotgun,

46
00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:58,380
getting in my car and
heading for Godalming,

47
00:02:58,420 --> 00:03:02,340
"where I will hunt down Suzanne
and Simon and kill them like dogs.

48
00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:05,058
"Then I'll head for Ipswich
and blow Margaret away

49
00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:06,860
before turning the
gun on myself."

50
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,020
So, there you have it,
keep those emails coming in.

51
00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:11,629
That's right because we love
to know what you think,

52
00:03:11,654 --> 00:03:13,180
don't we, Mike?
We do. ..Geoff.

53
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:17,060
Went travelling after I left college.
Great laugh.

54
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,860
Got a job in a bar in Koh Samui. Fantastic.

55
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,088
Then I woke up one day,
looked in the mirror,

56
00:03:22,113 --> 00:03:25,180
realised I was 30 and hanging out
with people ten years younger.

57
00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:28,726
So I came back, most of my
mates had sort of moved on.

58
00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:31,340
Felt like I'd missed the boat, you know?

59
00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:34,180
At which point I decided
to become a teacher.

60
00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:36,580
Quite bright but lazy?

61
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:39,500
Need a safety net?

62
00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:41,740
Be a teacher!

63
00:03:57,940 --> 00:03:59,900
You all right, fella?

64
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,660
Can't sleep.
Something on your mind?

65
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,820
No.

66
00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:09,660
Come on, Paul, I'm your dad.
What do we say? No secrets.

67
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:13,660
Dad, why haven't I got any mates? What?

68
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:18,340
Well, it's Craig Higson's
birthday this weekend,

69
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:20,900
and he's invited all the boys in my class,

70
00:04:20,940 --> 00:04:25,300
except me. Why doesn't anyone
want to be my friend?

71
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:28,940
Well, they don't mean
to hurt your feelings.

72
00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:31,220
It's just, you are quite boring.

73
00:04:31,260 --> 00:04:34,140
I mean, I love you, 'cause I'm your dad,

74
00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:37,740
but the chances are, other people
aren't really going to see the attraction.

75
00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:42,540
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love all the
stories about what happened at drama club

76
00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:45,900
or how Mum nearly left the gas
on when you went to the shops.

77
00:04:45,940 --> 00:04:47,380
But let's face it,

78
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:50,580
you're never going to get work
as an after-dinner speaker.

79
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:54,220
And that lack of animation,
or anything interesting to say,

80
00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:58,820
can have the knock-on effect that you
leave very little impression on people.

81
00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:05,780
I mean, if I'm brutally honest, after I've
dropped you off at your mum's on a Sunday,

82
00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:09,060
by Wednesday even I have trouble
remembering what you look like.

83
00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,820
Do you want a hot milky drink?

84
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,700
I can't remember, do you take sugar?

85
00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:18,020
Yeah.

86
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:30,740
Holly? Peter?

87
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:34,620
Rog, what are you doing here? I thought
you were supposed to be playing squash.

88
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:40,140
Yes, I am. With you! Oh, yes.
I forgot my kit. What are you two doing?

89
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:45,500
Holly's just giving me a massage.
Yes. A massage?

90
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:50,020
Yes, that's right. I've been really very
tense. Work's been manic, as you know.

91
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:52,500
Shall I get your clothes, Peter?
Thanks. Right.

92
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:55,830
Yes, I came round to tell you
that I was too busy for squash,

93
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,740
and suddenly felt
my back tense up.

94
00:05:57,780 --> 00:06:00,503
How awful! Yes, well,
when you're in management,

95
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:03,340
Rog, the stress really can
be quite overwhelming.

96
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:06,580
I often need two or three massages a day.

97
00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:12,020
I really am very tense.

98
00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:14,380
Sorry, Peter, I had no idea.

99
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:18,940
Well, I try to keep it covered up
at work, Rog. You weren't to know.

100
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:22,420
While I've got you on your own, I need
to ask your opinion about something.

101
00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:26,420
I hope this isn't about Holly seeing some
other man. There's nothing going on.

102
00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:28,820
I told you we hadn't had sex for months.

103
00:06:28,860 --> 00:06:31,931
Yeah, but that doesn't mean
she's getting it somewhere else.

104
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,340
She's probably exhausted...

105
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:35,220
or sore.

106
00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:37,900
Then how do you explain this?

107
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:41,040
A home pregnancy test?
I found it in the bathroom rubbish bin.

108
00:06:41,065 --> 00:06:42,564
What's it say? What's it say?

109
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:45,900
It's negative, she's not pregnant.

110
00:06:45,940 --> 00:06:48,940
Thank God for that! Yes! Yes!

111
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,940
You must be very relieved.

112
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:55,860
Actually I'm not! She must be having
an affair, or why take the test?

113
00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,197
I can't just ignore this.

114
00:06:57,222 --> 00:07:00,620
If she's playing around, I have
to put a stop to this right now.

115
00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:03,420
Rog, Rog, Rog, I've got
something to tell you.

116
00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:05,900
That pregnancy test is...

117
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,260
mine.

118
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,300
Yours?

119
00:07:09,340 --> 00:07:12,900
Yes, Rog, I was thinking
of having a sex change.

120
00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:14,500
What?

121
00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:17,122
Then when I realised
I couldn't have children,

122
00:07:17,147 --> 00:07:19,540
I thought, "Sod it,
I'll stay being a man."

123
00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:21,700
Well, I must say I'm glad.

124
00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:24,420
I mean, you'd be in the ladies
league at the squash club.

125
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:28,460
Which is the other reason I decided
to knock the whole idea on the head.

126
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,940
Keep it under your hat,
though, will you?
Of course.

127
00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:34,940
Here we are then.
Is that all sorted then? Yes.

128
00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:38,460
I better be off if I'm going to find
another partner down the squash club.

129
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,140
Enjoy yourself, Rog. Yes, darling.

130
00:07:40,180 --> 00:07:42,220
See you later.
Don't hurry back.

131
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:48,940
Ooh, that's right, just massage me
a little bit lower there, Holly.

132
00:07:48,965 --> 00:07:50,164
Forgot my kit!

133
00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:03,620
Hang on, this isn't going to work, Holly.
You're supposed to be massaging ME!

134
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:12,500
SAT-NAV: 'Turn right immediately
before the Jobcentre.

135
00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:16,140
'My God, look at that lot!

136
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:19,380
'Queuing up for honest tax-payers' money.

137
00:08:19,420 --> 00:08:23,260
'£40 is probably a year's
wages where they're from.

138
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:26,940
'Don't tell me they're all fleeing a war!

139
00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:29,473
'Saying that, I don't mind the ones

140
00:08:29,498 --> 00:08:33,380
that wash the windscreens -
at least they're having a go.

141
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:37,580
'At the end of the road, turn left.'

142
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:45,460
Earlier we were discussing the
thorny issue of speed cameras

143
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:48,500
and we've had a lot of emails
from you. That's right.

144
00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:52,740
Julie from Grantham, "A speed camera
said I was going too fast when I wasn't.

145
00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:54,820
"What have you got to say
about that, Mr Brown?"

146
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:57,691
Alistair from Dundee says,
"Safe speed depends

147
00:08:57,716 --> 00:08:59,980
on the driving conditions." Very true.

148
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:04,380
Sam from Basingstoke says he disagrees
with the whole concept of speed cameras.

149
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:07,820
And Frank from Chepstow agrees.
He says, "It's just Big Brother, isn't it?"

150
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:11,420
Sally from Lanark disagrees.
She says, "Cameras save lives."

151
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,838
But Phil from Newport
disagrees with Sally.

152
00:09:13,863 --> 00:09:16,540
"Scrap the cameras," he says.
And here's another.

153
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:19,232
It says, "Mike, every morning
I watch you sitting there,

154
00:09:19,257 --> 00:09:20,860
reading out inane pointless emails

155
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:24,303
"and I wonder what happened to
that intelligent front-line journalist

156
00:09:24,328 --> 00:09:25,980
who used to report
from war zones.

157
00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:30,060
"You always manage to read them out so
cheerfully, but your eyes give you away,

158
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:33,900
"and deep down, everyone can
see that you're dying inside."

159
00:09:38,420 --> 00:09:41,300
Keep them coming in because
we love hearing from you.

160
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:45,500
And now this.

161
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,100
With your hair so prettily coiffed,
Miss Howard,

162
00:09:57,140 --> 00:10:00,673
you resemble nothing so much as
the most charming French poodle.

163
00:10:00,698 --> 00:10:02,140
I'm flattered, Mr Gosling.

164
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:05,302
Which leads me to enquire whether,
at a later stage this evening,

165
00:10:05,327 --> 00:10:07,100
I might be permitted
to attend to you

166
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:11,860
on all-fours with all the bestial vigour
of one of my father's prize mastiffs.

167
00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:16,100
Woof, woof!
Precisely.

168
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:23,340
Now poor old Fyffe here has been in trouble
with his good lady. Isn't that right?

169
00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:25,896
Can't seem to get it right.
He takes the rubbish out,

170
00:10:25,921 --> 00:10:28,460
then gets chastised for
tramping mud into the carpet.

171
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,071
I can't do right for doing wrong.

172
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:33,260
He makes a cup of tea then leaves
the milk bottle out of the fridge.

173
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:37,220
I was accused of wilfully and
maliciously turning it into cheese.

174
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:39,980
Imagine that, into cheese!

175
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:42,846
But that's not the worst
of it, though, is it, Fyffe?

176
00:10:42,871 --> 00:10:44,940
Would that it were,
would that it were.

177
00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:48,336
No, the thing that
consistently lands Fyffe

178
00:10:48,361 --> 00:10:52,140
in the proverbial is...
well, if you'll permit us,

179
00:10:52,180 --> 00:10:55,100
we've committed it to verse,
which goes like this.

180
00:10:56,660 --> 00:11:00,220
It's cathartic for him, or some
such Greek-sounding thing.

181
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:03,860
His psychoanalyst says
"better out than in,"

182
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:07,460
which, funnily enough,
is what this song is all about.

183
00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:14,900
# Now I have a little lady
My better half, my spouse

184
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:19,780
# By nature she is placid
She wouldn't scare a mouse

185
00:11:19,820 --> 00:11:22,300
# But certain things annoy her

186
00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:24,540
# They make her curse and mutter

187
00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:30,740
# Best avoid these irritations
if you know how your bread is buttered

188
00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:34,540
# So...when...you're

189
00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:38,540
# Seeing to the missus
better watch your etiquette

190
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:41,660
# The missus is quite a stickler
Likes to know what to expect

191
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:46,220
# You'll drive her half demented
if you anoint her breasts with oil

192
00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:49,860
# No matter how you're tempted
as you come closer to the boil

193
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:53,180
# Don't reach around behind her
with an out-extended thumb

194
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:56,700
# And in the heat of passion
try to push it in her...

195
00:11:56,740 --> 00:12:01,260
# Because that'll make your missus
slap you hard across the face

196
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:05,700
# And there'll be no more
seeing to the missus

197
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:08,500
# Not that month, at any rate! #

198
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:15,340
So what were you guys up to this weekend?

199
00:12:15,380 --> 00:12:17,940
We were out getting
some things for the garden.

200
00:12:17,980 --> 00:12:21,259
We got this fantastic pot, actually,
from this place up by the garage.

201
00:12:21,284 --> 00:12:22,460
It was half-price.
Really?

202
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,140
Yeah, they've got loads
of them, all half-price.

203
00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:27,540
I've got half-price pots from there before.

204
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,020
Yeah, there's a place I go to
at the other end of town.

205
00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:32,885
They do half-price pots.
I've no idea how they do it.

206
00:12:32,910 --> 00:12:34,820
I mean, where's their profit margin?

207
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:37,460
Oh, come on, guys,
those pots aren't half-price.

208
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:40,820
I think they are! They've got a
big sign saying "half-price pots."

209
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:42,940
Doesn't mean they're
genuinely half-price, though.

210
00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:47,740
I mean, do any of you actually know
what the full price of a pot should be?

211
00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:50,140
Well, do you?

212
00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:51,620
Well, no but...

213
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:53,620
So, what are you saying, Steve?

214
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:56,577
I'm saying they're pretending
the pots are half-price.

215
00:12:56,602 --> 00:12:58,380
In fact, that's their full price.

216
00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:01,565
So how come you know so
much about half-price pots?

217
00:13:01,590 --> 00:13:03,524
Does anyone want another drink?

218
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:15,700
What you were saying back there in the pub,
about the half-price pots...Just forget it.

219
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,300
I'd had too much to drink.

220
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:19,020
TYRES SCREECH

221
00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:21,020
Get in the car.

222
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:23,740
It's OK, Sarah,

223
00:13:23,780 --> 00:13:26,500
it'll be all right.
What's going on?

224
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:28,740
Where are you taking him?

225
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,540
Is it to do with the half-price pots?

226
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,260
I know my rights!

227
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:40,660
Get your hands off me!

228
00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:50,140
Hello, Steve. It's been a long time.

229
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,340
Still here, Max?

230
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:56,220
I hear you've been causing
something of a fuss

231
00:13:56,260 --> 00:14:00,100
about half-price pots.

232
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:03,660
I have to. What you do is repellent.

233
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:07,660
What you DID, Steve.
I got out.

234
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:12,180
You, Max, you're the closest thing
to pure evil I've ever seen.

235
00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:15,820
You let the public think
they're getting half-price pots,

236
00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:18,700
when you know damn well they're full price!

237
00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:42,340
Still got the fire, eh, Steve?

238
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:46,540
That's why I want you back.

239
00:14:46,580 --> 00:14:49,140
You must be joking!

240
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,260
Do you want me to...make you?

241
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:01,020
You can't break me, Max!

242
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,260
Take him away.

243
00:15:49,860 --> 00:15:52,234
Steve? Sarah!
What are you doing here?

244
00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:56,020
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I called your house.

245
00:15:56,060 --> 00:16:00,020
I rang your mum and dad...
Nothing! Thank God you're here.

246
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,500
Look, follow me.

247
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:05,180
Steve, what's going on?

248
00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:08,100
I've no idea, but let me tell you,

249
00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:10,460
there are some stunning
offers in the store today.

250
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:14,620
All these pots are half-price!

251
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:18,860
What are you talking about? This goes
against everything you've ever stood for!

252
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:20,460
What have they done to you?

253
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:26,740
Sorry, did you say half-price?
That's right.

254
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:33,260
Are you flossing regularly?

255
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:36,300
Mm-hm.
Really? Every day?

256
00:16:37,260 --> 00:16:39,980
Thought so. It's important.

257
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:41,700
Ooh,

258
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:44,060
that's a bit stiff.

259
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:47,858
Just trying to loosen up a bit.

260
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:51,724
We had one of our parties last night
and I'm really feeling it today.

261
00:16:54,060 --> 00:16:57,500
Well, you're a man of the world.
Don't think I need to be coy.

262
00:16:57,540 --> 00:17:02,180
We have these regular little parties,
you know, the wife and I.

263
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:04,580
I mean, I hate the term "swingers".

264
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:12,380
So suburban, you know, we're just a group
of like-minded people - all professionals.

265
00:17:12,420 --> 00:17:14,162
It's like a dinner party, really,

266
00:17:14,187 --> 00:17:17,004
it's just we have sex with
each other after the sweet.

267
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:22,860
I mean, Emma and I are very secure
with one another, you know.

268
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:28,660
As with all couples, there are some things
that I enjoy that she doesn't, you know?

269
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:32,340
The thing is, I've always been very keen

270
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:36,940
on a bit of oral. I know, I know, I know -

271
00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:39,860
dentist, oral... Freudian or what?!

272
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:47,020
Anyway, last night, Phil and Janet
came, and Janet's like me...

273
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:49,500
loves to go downstairs, so to speak.

274
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:54,020
So we didn't waste much time getting
down to the old - excuse my French -

275
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,660
soixante-neuf.

276
00:17:57,460 --> 00:18:00,500
Well, I gave as good as I got.

277
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:03,700
Definition of the job, really, isn't it?

278
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:06,100
And this morning, I woke up and...

279
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,740
honestly, I feel like I just
swam the Channel.

280
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:17,260
Your breath's a little bit stale,
have a tried a tongue scrubber?

281
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,220
# I wanna hold you wanna hold you tight

282
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:25,820
# Get teenage kicks
right through the night... #

283
00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:31,740
Yeah! Steve-o! Steve-o! Steve-o!

284
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,940
Best man, up you come.

285
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:58,340
# Two little boys had two little toys
Both had a wooden horse

286
00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:06,180
# Gaily they'd play each summer's day
Warriors both, of course

287
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:15,340
# One little chap then had a mishap
Broke off his horse's head

288
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:19,980
# Wept for his toy then cried with joy

289
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:23,500
# As his young playmate said

290
00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:27,780
# Did you think that I'd leave you crying

291
00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:32,340
# When there's room on my horse for two?

292
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:36,580
# Climb up here, Steve We'll soon by flying

293
00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:41,900
# It can go just as fast with two... #

294
00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:45,740
I'm wearing my wife's knickers.

295
00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,900
THEY ALL CHAT

296
00:19:57,140 --> 00:20:01,220
Can you just pop in here a minute?
Do you need me? I'm handing round nibbles.

297
00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:03,540
Just for a second.

298
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:08,860
What?
Shut the door, shut the door!

299
00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:14,740
What's the matter? Oh, the risotto's
not dried out, has it? Sssh!

300
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,780
No, I've cut my bloody hand off.

301
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:19,980
For Christ's sake, Simon!

302
00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:23,660
Don't panic, we'll think of something.
I knew this would happen!

303
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:26,047
You insisted on doing
something complicated.

304
00:20:26,072 --> 00:20:27,820
What does it say in Nigel Slater?

305
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,417
"Don't sweat over the starters,
and choose a main course

306
00:20:30,442 --> 00:20:32,660
you can bung in the oven
when the guests arrive."

307
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,780
I know, I know. It was that
fucking butternut squash.

308
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:39,740
I know, it is tough. Do you think
we can salvage any of it?

309
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,980
No, have we got any wild mushrooms?

310
00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:44,300
What about peas?
Peas are bloody life savers!

311
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:46,409
But Andy and Charlotte grow their own.

312
00:20:46,434 --> 00:20:49,540
They probably won't be bloody
organic enough of something.

313
00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:51,860
Don't panic, we'll think of something.

314
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,420
What shall we do about this? I don't know.

315
00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:57,532
Do you think it'll be all right
in the freezer till they've gone?

316
00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,300
Yeah. Are you two
all right in there?

317
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:01,340
Yes, yes, everything's fine.
Fine!

318
00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:06,340
Dad picked this up when he went over
to Spain. He visited the vineyard.

319
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:08,100
THEY CHAT

320
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,100
Is Simon all right?
He's fine, he just works too hard.

321
00:21:33,140 --> 00:21:35,982
I've tried to tell him,
but you know what he's like!

322
00:21:36,007 --> 00:21:38,020
See you soon.
Lovely to see you, bye!

323
00:21:38,060 --> 00:21:39,340
Simon?

324
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,540
Simon?

325
00:21:42,580 --> 00:21:44,460
Simon?

326
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:48,180
Hey look, it's a text from Andy.

327
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:49,780
It's says,

328
00:21:49,820 --> 00:21:52,020
"Awesome risotto!"

329
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:55,020
Well done!

330
00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:03,500
'In ten metres, keep straight on.

331
00:22:03,540 --> 00:22:06,491
'It would have been quicker
turning right there,

332
00:22:06,516 --> 00:22:10,570
but you don't want gypsies
seeing your kids in a car like this.

333
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:14,740
We've all heard the stories,
and there must be some truth in them.

334
00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:16,940
'They call themselves "travellers",

335
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:20,860
'but some of those caravans
haven't even got wheels.

336
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:25,300
'At the next roundabout,
take the third exit.'

337
00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:28,940
So there we have it.
Rain, rain and more rain.

338
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:32,420
Good for the garden, not so much
fun for the rest of us. Mike?

339
00:22:32,460 --> 00:22:36,180
Actually, Geoff, we've had an email
from Jean in Windsor about you.

340
00:22:36,220 --> 00:22:39,940
She says, "Whenever Geoff presents
the weather, it's always atrocious.

341
00:22:39,980 --> 00:22:42,260
"The man is obviously a jinx."

342
00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:46,540
Sorry about that! Oh!
Here's another one from Ralph in Malvern.

343
00:22:46,580 --> 00:22:51,220
It's says, "It's true about Geoff. He's
been presenting the weather all month

344
00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:53,260
"and the sun hasn't appeared once.

345
00:22:53,300 --> 00:22:54,980
"Clearly the gods are angry.

346
00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:57,500
"I think we should sacrifice him."

347
00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:05,420
Seems a little on the harsh side.

348
00:23:05,460 --> 00:23:09,180
Steve from Gwent says, "I think using Geoff
as a human sacrifice is a great idea!

349
00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:12,580
"We must spill his blood now
or the harvest will fail."

350
00:23:12,620 --> 00:23:14,660
Interesting perspective there.

351
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:17,100
And Wendy from Ruislip says,

352
00:23:17,140 --> 00:23:19,039
"Burn him, burn him on a pyre.

353
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:22,924
Only his screams will appease
the all-powerful divinities."

354
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:31,580
Gosh.
Gosh indeed, Geoff!

355
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:35,780
There's one here from someone who calls
himself Zardox The Heretic Slayer.

356
00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:39,033
He says, "I will dispatch him
with my knife of sacred obsidian

357
00:23:39,058 --> 00:23:40,740
and my masters
shall be pleased."

358
00:23:40,780 --> 00:23:43,740
Geoff, my old mate,
what do you make of all that lot?

359
00:23:43,780 --> 00:23:48,420
Well, luckily sacrificing weather men
hasn't yet become official BBC policy.

360
00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:52,220
No, that's right, least not
till there's been a phone vote.

361
00:23:52,260 --> 00:23:55,300
So, please call us and
let us know your opinion.

362
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:01,420
Yes, should Geoff be sacrificed?

363
00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:05,260
For yes, dial -

364
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:09,380
For no, dial -

365
00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:14,980
And remember, you pay the licence fee.
It's your BBC, you decide.

366
00:26:36,260 --> 00:26:39,324
Not too fatigued by this evening's
exertions, Miss Cardieu?

367
00:26:39,349 --> 00:26:41,060
Why, no, I could go on for hours.

368
00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:45,340
Then might I suggest you that join me
later for some modest theatricals?

369
00:26:45,380 --> 00:26:48,260
Gladly! And which roles will we be playing?

370
00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:52,500
I would play the part of a wealthy
industrialist, whilst you, Miss Cardieu,

371
00:26:52,540 --> 00:26:56,100
would play a Whitechapel strumpet
of such eye-wateringly low virtue

372
00:26:56,140 --> 00:26:58,780
that you would leave me
as dry as a ship's biscuit.

373
00:27:06,020 --> 00:27:11,100
Now, Bob, your birthday. You know you can
get vouchers for these experience breaks?

374
00:27:11,140 --> 00:27:14,300
Oh, yeah, Martin went on one, to Brands
Hatch, driving a Formula One car.

375
00:27:14,340 --> 00:27:17,583
Yeah, well, I was thinking of
getting you one for your birthday.

376
00:27:17,608 --> 00:27:18,980
Really? Thanks! What is it?

377
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:20,136
It's a complete package.

378
00:27:20,161 --> 00:27:23,020
You fly down to London from
Manchester airport, first-class.

379
00:27:23,060 --> 00:27:24,995
Stay at the Hilton, all-inclusive,

380
00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:27,980
and then you get a limousine
ride up to King's Cross,

381
00:27:28,020 --> 00:27:29,708
have full sex with a prostitute,

382
00:27:29,733 --> 00:27:32,820
continental breakfast the next
morning and fly back home.

383
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:34,700
I know what you're thinking -

384
00:27:34,740 --> 00:27:36,990
carbon emissions,
but it's only two flights.

385
00:27:37,015 --> 00:27:40,140
No, it's just, you really don't
mind me visiting a prostitute?

386
00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:44,740
Don't be silly! Anyway it's not
visiting a prostitute, is it?

387
00:27:44,780 --> 00:27:47,860
It's a Sleeping With A Whore
Experience break.

388
00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:49,780
She sounds lovely, actually.

389
00:27:49,820 --> 00:27:53,260
There's a four-star rating here
from the Observer. It says,

390
00:27:53,300 --> 00:27:56,580
"My friend had the oral sex
while I opted to be tugged off.

391
00:27:56,620 --> 00:27:58,860
"Both were excellent."

392
00:27:58,900 --> 00:28:01,100
This is fantastically nice of you, Jess.

393
00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:04,420
Oh, no problem at all, darling.
Happy birthday!

394
00:28:07,340 --> 00:28:10,140
This is a dream, isn't it?
Of course it is, you idiot!

395
00:28:10,165 --> 00:28:12,404
It's just you and me
for the next 30 years.