1
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,800
Thank you, Grant. So, ladies and gentlemen,

2
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:55,640
we're naming this phone
the Tanto WD 750 T...I.

3
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,040
Whoa-ho-ho! Give it!

4
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,320
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

5
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:10,800
Gotcha!

6
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,360
Paul, what are you doing up here?

7
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:14,880
Thinking.

8
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,280
Careful, your head might fall off!

9
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,000
Dad!

10
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,880
Come on, Son, spit it out.

11
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,400
Why didn't Mum want me
to go on holiday with her?

12
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,800
Is that what all this is about?

13
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,800
Well, the thing is,

14
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,680
it's nice for your mum
and Jill to go on their own.

15
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:35,280
When you're in the throes of a big,
passionate lesbian relationship,

16
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,480
the last thing you need's some
little kid wandering in saying,

17
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,920
"Mummy, can I go to
the swimming pool?", is it?

18
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:45,120
You see, your mum was never
really satisfied by me, sexually.

19
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,210
So it's nice for her occasionally
to get the full treatment

20
00:01:48,235 --> 00:01:49,760
from someone on the home team.

21
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,400
I mean, don't get me wrong, I tried,

22
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,960
but when it came down to it,
I was just extremely lazy in bed,

23
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,080
and your poor old mum
sometimes had to sort herself out.

24
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:03,520
But where would you rather be?
With a couple of rug-munchers in Ibiza,

25
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,680
or here with me watching
the Top Gear DVD, eh?

26
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,480
Come on, race you to the telly.

27
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,000
# Keep smiling through

28
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,840
# Just like you...#

29
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,400
Do you like Vera Lynn?

30
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,080
Yeah, she sings up some good
shit, isn't it? She's safe.

31
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:30,320
Isn't it that she's well fit?
You know what I'm saying, she is buff.

32
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,800
Totally. She's got it going on.
Not like Gracie Fields.

33
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,600
She mings bad.

34
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,240
She's nasty.

35
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,800
You know what I mean,
chatting shit about living up an alley.

36
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,440
She so needs to get over herself.

37
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,120
Big time.

38
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,960
AIR RAID SIREN WAILS Scramble!

39
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,880
Come on, chaps. Jerry over
the South Downs. Scramble!

40
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:56,560
Scramble, chaps. No way, blood.
I've done flying today.

41
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,920
This morning, and I nearly missed lunch.
We've both done flying.

42
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:04,200
I did yesterday twice and that's against
health and safety, or some shit like that.

43
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,040
No, it isn't.
And I've got a verruca.

44
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,053
I've got to revise
for my flying exams.

45
00:03:09,078 --> 00:03:11,520
It's a like a written
theory test and everything.

46
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:15,240
Enemy bombers are on the way.
Get up there and fight them, you cowards!

47
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,040
You can't say that, that's
like racism against cowards.

48
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,280
That's like discrimination
against a community.

49
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,240
Get up there and fight, or I'll report
you to the wing commander, who will...

50
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,640
BOMBS WHISTLE

51
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:35,280
I would still do Gracie Fields
though, if she offered.

52
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,800
Isn't it?

53
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,120
SAT-NAV VOICE:
'Turn left, avoiding the hospital.

54
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,520
'It's NHS, so probably filthy.

55
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,880
'Close your nearside window.

56
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:55,000
'That MRSA will eat you
from the inside out.

57
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,600
'It's a joke. You go there to get well,

58
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:02,040
'and they literally kill you.

59
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,360
'At the end of the road, turn right.'

60
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,320
Dimitri!

61
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:14,680
Dimitri, I've got the details
of the scouting trip, Dimitri.

62
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,920
Mr Komanoffski?

63
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,280
Aaaah!

64
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,680
Guess who, Tony?
Is it Dimitri?

65
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,840
Is good, so good, eh?

66
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,800
But wait, my little Tony is tense.

67
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,680
Oh, it's just a back twinge.
Nothing to worry about.

68
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,840
I'm good for spinal injuries.
You want me give you massage?

69
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:39,280
Um...I'll give you one of my
Dimitri specials. I'm fine, actually.

70
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,320
Is good, yeah? A little bit higher.

71
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,320
Little bit higher!

72
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,120
Little bit higher.

73
00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,760
Wah-ha-ha-ho! Oh, yes!
Yeah, better already!

74
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,000
DIMITRI INHALES DEEPLY

75
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,440
You came straight from training, Tony?

76
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:10,960
Um, yes. Well, I'm off to Cameroon tomorrow
on this scouting trip, so I thought...

77
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,000
You had a shower.

78
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,480
I thought maybe we should talk turkey.

79
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,120
You did not wash everywhere.

80
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,040
I forgot. I just drifted off.

81
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,520
I forgot which bits
I'd already done, you know.

82
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,360
But wait. You still wear the aftershave
from that '80s advert.

83
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,440
That was my brother's favourite drink.

84
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,800
What is it called?
Manifest.

85
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,840
That's it! Manifest.

86
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,320
The musk of a man. You and
James Hunt with your tops off,

87
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,920
chopping wood together outside a log cabin.

88
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,400
Did you two really live
together in the forest?

89
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,240
Oh, no, no. That was just an act.

90
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,960
He did come to the house once for drinks,
but he said something to my wife

91
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,760
that turned out to be very rude.
Really? I'll take revenge for you.

92
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,800
Oh, I'm afraid Mr Hunt
passed away some years ago.

93
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,880
HE TUTS Tony, you dark,
dark horsey man, eh?

94
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,520
Oh, dear, no! No, no, no.
It was natural causes, I think.

95
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,040
Yeah, clever, very clever.

96
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,760
This is why I want you for this
bit of business in Cameroon.

97
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,640
The scouting for new players? Scouting?

98
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:17,680
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
The scouting for players.

99
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:22,000
Petr, please. When you leave tomorrow,
I want you to take this briefcase.

100
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,200
Inside are ¤1 million's worth of diamonds

101
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:28,240
and directions to meet me at the border.
There, we'll make the exchange.

102
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,280
For the players?
That's right, yes.

103
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,920
For the consignment
of semi-automatic players.

104
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,520
Then we drive cross country
to the rebel training camp.

105
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,640
Oh, me back! Oh, dear!

106
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,840
What is matter, Tony? Me back, it's gone.

107
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,840
I don't think I can make the trip.
That is a royal pain.

108
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:50,400
Oh, nonsense. Tony, Tony, Tony.

109
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,680
Don't worry your little head. You see...

110
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,120
we'll be so loaded on crystal meth,
you won't feel a thing.

111
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,560
Petr, give Tony a lift to the car.

112
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,200
I'll give you proper massage on the way.
TONY WHIMPERS

113
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,720
Hi. Can I get my prescription? Right.

114
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,480
Sorry, do you mind me asking
if you've been waiting long?

115
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,560
About 20 minutes.

116
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:35,240
Shit. This isn't gonna work. Er...

117
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,760
Hello?

118
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,360
Um, excuse me...?

119
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,840
Hello?

120
00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,400
LAUGHTER

121
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,560
Ohh!

122
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,240
Oh, I'd better just go and
give this chap his inhaler.

123
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,560
Back in a second.

124
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,560
Darling!
Roger, what are you doing here?

125
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,720
Took the day off. Spot of flu.
Don't come close. How was your trip?

126
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,185
Your car isn't in the drive.
It's being MOT'd.

127
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,944
How was Scotland?
Looks like you had...good weather.

128
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,520
Yes, it was very hot for January.

129
00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,680
Is your sister out of hospital?

130
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:42,120
Honey, have you got any cash?
I've only got bloody euros.

131
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,080
Peter?
Rog.

132
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,000
Rog is off sick, flu.

133
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,240
I bumped into Peter at the airport
and we decided to...Share a cab.

134
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,800
Oh, that was bit of luck.
How was Spain, Peter?

135
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:57,120
Very enjoyable. Peter's looking for
opportunities in Europe. So I've heard.

136
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,760
In the cab. Talking of which,
have you got any cash?

137
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,560
Do you know, I only seem
to have euros as well.

138
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,040
Why would you have euros
for Scotland, darling?

139
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:08,880
Oh, silly me!

140
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,800
You're so scatterbrained,
but I do love you.

141
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,400
Here, will 40 cover it?
Thanks.

142
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,932
Holly's been in Scotland
visiting her sister.

143
00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:21,640
Kidney infection. Pretty
serious by all accounts.

144
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,800
Her sister's really been in the wars.

145
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,760
Last week, she found out she had ME

146
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,800
and the week before she had
a really nasty bout of leprosy.

147
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,680
Yes, so she was telling me in the cab.
Peter, can I confide in you?

148
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,880
Of course, Rog. You're my oldest friend.

149
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,280
The last time we made love...
When was that? About a month ago.

150
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,000
She called out a man's name.

151
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,640
What name was it?
Peter.

152
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,280
Really?

153
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:50,240
Yeah. Now, apart from you,
we only know one other Peter.

154
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:51,800
My father.

155
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:55,080
Do you think Holly's having
an affair with your father?

156
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,620
Just 'cause he's in a wheelchair
doesn't mean he doesn't have needs.

157
00:09:58,645 --> 00:10:00,040
Your father's in Australia!

158
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,680
I know, it doesn't make any sense.
I just can't think who else it can be.

159
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,120
Look, I'm sure everything's fine.
I've had you working nights

160
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,520
while I've been off looking
for opportunities in Europe.

161
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,960
You're tired. I'm sure
there's nothing going on.

162
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,840
Thanks, Peter. I don't know
what I'd do if Holly left me.

163
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,920
No-one's leaving anyone. I'm sure Holly's
very happy with the way things are.

164
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,200
I know I am.

165
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,320
SAT-NAV VOICE: 'In 300 metres,

166
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:30,600
'keep left, then turn right
after the town hall.

167
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,000
'If you left it up to that lot in there,

168
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,040
'you wouldn't be allowed in your own car.

169
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,920
'If you're not bent, black or blind,

170
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,680
'they don't want to know.

171
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,360
'Continue straight on...'

172
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,000
I urge you to sign this treaty,

173
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,400
and make a solemn commitment
to lowering carbon emissions.

174
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,800
This afternoon, it's our
privilege to be able

175
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,920
to change the world for the better.

176
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,320
I beg you not to waste this opportunity.

177
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,120
Mr President.

178
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,080
Thank you.

179
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,240
As you're aware, I must return to London
for the State Opening of Parliament.

180
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,152
I do so in the certain knowledge

181
00:11:44,177 --> 00:11:46,960
that future generations
will look back on this day

182
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:51,280
with heart-felt gratitude
and deepest admiration.

183
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,080
Nice work, Prime Minister.
Thank you, Mr President.

184
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,680
I thought we'd be arguing
till midnight at least!

185
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,120
Well, that's what we're trying to do,
isn't it? Cut down on hot air.

186
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,960
THEY LAUGH

187
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,720
Flight time's 45-50 minutes,
so why don't I brief you then.

188
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,680
That gives you 20 minutes now for lunch.
Ah.

189
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,560
Something wrong, Prime Minister?

190
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,160
Shit.

191
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,640
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

192
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,200
What?

193
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,280
I left the bloody treaty
in the meeting room.
Oh.

194
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:38,840
Shit.

195
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,760
Do you want to go back and get it?

196
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,680
Um...Prime Minister, if we don't
have that signed treaty in London

197
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:50,000
by the end of today, the whole thing
will have been a waste of time.

198
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,145
Mm. We managed to get
the Chinese to sign

199
00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:54,400
and we may never get
that opportunity again.

200
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,120
This could be our one chance
to halt global warming.

201
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:05,440
I think it might be a bit embarrassing.
You know, I've said all my goodbyes.

202
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,280
I did the "hot air" gag.

203
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:14,760
We'll just leave it.
OK.

204
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:22,240
Ee, it's a terrible tangle in Iraq
at the moment, isn't it? I dunno.

205
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,320
Will they ever get that sorted out?

206
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:28,880
What have you got? You've got your Sunnis,
your Shias and your Kurdish peoples.

207
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,600
Now, with your Kurds,
that's a territorial dispute,

208
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,960
but your Sunnis and Shias,
that's a split that's been gannin' on

209
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,800
since the death of Mohammed
nearly 1,400 year ago.

210
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,360
Now, the way I see it, the thing to do

211
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,240
is to divide your political
and your economic powers.

212
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,640
In other words, you let
your Shias keep the oil

213
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,940
and you let your Sunnis
run your parliament.

214
00:13:47,965 --> 00:13:50,200
So you've got a sort of
Jack Sprat situation

215
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,880
with your economic
and your political powers.

216
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:57,720
Now, that works very well in Malaysia
with your Muslim Malays and your Chinese.

217
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,600
So you never know, you might end up
solving not just your problems in Iraq,

218
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:06,600
but also the wider political crisis in
Iran and Lebanon into the bargain.

219
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,560
But what do I know?

220
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,920
Well, I hadn't worked for a while
and my girlfriend was pregnant,

221
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,080
and we needed to get
on the property ladder.

222
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:19,040
But to get a mortgage, I needed
to demonstrate a steady income.

223
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:22,080
So I decided to become a teacher.

224
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,800
It's not for ever...

225
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,560
is it?

226
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,720
'Teaching.

227
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,320
'You do something for us
and we'll do something for you.'

228
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,280
Have you been waiting long?
Yeah, ages actually.

229
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,840
Hello?

230
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,200
Hello...?

231
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,840
Hello?

232
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,800
Although I can speak some Russian,

233
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,000
I find I'm always on a very sticky wicket

234
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:09,040
unless the conversation turns
to the subject of gardening.

235
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,800
HE LAUGHS SLEAZILY

236
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,840
Oh, I must just go and give
this lady her ointment.

237
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:24,760
89, 90. Let me have a look.
There's usually something there.

238
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,320
Pru, my love, look in the tip jar,
see if there's a rogue tenpenny bit.

239
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,925
One moment, Miranda, my love.

240
00:15:29,950 --> 00:15:33,024
I'm just fixing the air machine.
I hope you don't mind.

241
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,560
There you are. That didn't
take too long, did it, dear?

242
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,680
Sorry, Pru, my love. The tip jar. We're
out of change. Let's see what we've got.

243
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:46,640
I don't think you'll find much in here,
darling, just a dead spider and a note.

244
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,240
Well, a note would be very helpful.
No, it's not money. It's abuse.

245
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,200
Look, forget it. That's fine.

246
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:56,640
Right, so that's a quiche, your
salad and a drink. That's £7.80.

247
00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,120
Miranda, darling, have you got the
tongs? I'm sorry, I can't hear you,

248
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:04,320
because I'm busy with a customer.
Oh, sorry, what did I say?£7.80!

249
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,280
Let me just double-check.
Quiche, salad and a drink...

250
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,040
That's £7.80.

251
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,720
Have you got anything smaller?
Than a £10 note?!

252
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,440
Well, we're out of change.
We'll have some soon. Miranda, darling,

253
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,499
I am going to have to enquire
one more time on the tong front.

254
00:16:19,524 --> 00:16:21,320
Oh, bless you, my love.
I'm so sorry.

255
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,000
I was busy serving a customer.
But I've dealt with him, so I'm all yours.

256
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,840
I'm sure I can do whatever you
want me to do. What can I do?

257
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,120
Where did you put the tongs, my love?

258
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,760
They're on top of that machine.
Do be patient. You'll get your change.

259
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:38,560
Um, perhaps, my darling, you left them up
there. Oh, yes, you did. There they are.

260
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,400
Thank you so much, darling.
How helpful of you. Er... £3.20.

261
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,200
No! I can't do that! I keep telling
you people, we're out of change!

262
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:50,760
Oh, for God's sake! You're a shop!
This is what people are gonna do!

263
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,120
They're going to come in here with
money and expect to pay with it!

264
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:59,400
I don't carry round a couple of hundred
quid in coins because I'm not a shop!

265
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,400
I've never seen anything
so badly run in my life.

266
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,280
For a start, the till should
be there, not in the middle.

267
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,946
No wonder you're always
under each other's feet.

268
00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:12,000
Put the soup there, so people
can help themselves to it,

269
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:17,600
and then bring it down here. And have some
bloody system for writing down the orders,

270
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:22,480
so that you don't have to ask people
what they want six freaking times!

271
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,440
Yes, well...

272
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,640
I've got that in coins if it helps.
Pru, it's kicking off!

273
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,360
Ooh! Agh!

274
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,400
Oh!

275
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,040
Aaaah!

276
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:48,720
Oh, yes. This looks nice and quirky.
We could book that out for the day.

277
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:07,640
Well, I left college, and
got really into clubbing

278
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,840
and everything that goes
with it, the sex and the drugs.

279
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,760
And I had this dodgy E

280
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,440
and was in a coma for six weeks.

281
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:21,200
And when I came round I thought,
"Something's got to change here."

282
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:27,120
So I looked round at
what I was qualified for

283
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,640
and became a teacher.

284
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,280
'Permanently depleted serotonin levels?

285
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,160
'Call us now on Be A Teacher.'

286
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,734
Thank you very much, Mr Morris.

287
00:18:40,759 --> 00:18:44,000
If the Holloway Road was closed,
an alternative would have been?

288
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,594
Junction Road to the Archway
Tavern, second left,

289
00:18:46,619 --> 00:18:49,200
then Archway Road all the
way up to Highgate Tube.

290
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,400
Thank you very much. Very adequate.

291
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,480
Well, that is the end of the
driving part of this interview.

292
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,120
We now turn to conversation.
Right.

293
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,960
I would like you to take me from the
Congestion Charge to repatriation.

294
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:09,040
Cor, look at all this traffic, eh?
Hm? This traffic, look at it.

295
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:13,440
All that talk about the Congestion Charge.
It hasn't made a bit of difference.

296
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:17,440
Right. You know who causes all this?
It's the Turks in their vans.

297
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:21,720
Mr Morris...We should send them back...
You've lost me. I'm getting my phone. Sorry.

298
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:27,720
Mr Morris, knowing how to get from Chalk
Farm to Barking is all well and good.

299
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:32,320
Down Prince of Wales Road... Yes, yes, yes.
But that is barely half the job.

300
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:36,520
You have a responsibility, Mr Morris,
and a captive audience.

301
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,840
You can't just jump from traffic
to Turkish people in their vans

302
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,200
and then be sending them home straightaway.

303
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,360
You'll come across as a frothing loon.

304
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,400
You must beat them into submission
slowly, methodically,

305
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:52,560
until you have them agreeing to things
they would never normally do otherwise.

306
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,139
I've got to ask you, sir.

307
00:19:54,164 --> 00:19:58,080
Is it true that you had Glenda
Jackson in the back of your cab

308
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,040
and, by the time you dropped
her off, you had her agreeing

309
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,080
that women shouldn't be
allowed to wear shoes?

310
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,760
I was lucky. There was a
diversion around Holborn.

311
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:12,440
But the move from amiable conversation
to raving, reactionary nutterage

312
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,800
is a slow one.
You must break their spirit, man.

313
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,280
Right, let's try again, then, shall we?
OK.

314
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,760
I would like you to take me
from pollution to hanging.

315
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,680
Cor, this pollution makes
you choke, dunnit? Hm.

316
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,120
I tell you something else
that makes you choke...

317
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,040
Sweet Jesus!

318
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,560
Woo! You ready?

319
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,440
ALL: Yes!
Follow me!

320
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,720
Woo!

321
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,320
Swing with the lumberjack.

322
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,920
Five, six, seven, eight.

323
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,240
Woo! Woo!

324
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,960
I am the fox.

325
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,520
Really push the tail. Be the Catholic.

326
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:08,600
Woo!

327
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,960
Get ready to eat the cranberry axe.

328
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,000
Really push this one.

329
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,360
Drive the weasel to Chester.

330
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,200
Don't forget to say hello to Sally.

331
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:28,720
Dance with a lesbian.

332
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,240
Sell crack to a ninja.

333
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,440
Do the peoples equate.

334
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,480
Put it all together, and build a consulate.

335
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,240
Can you feel anything?

336
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,200
HE MUMBLES Good.

337
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,680
Spectacular, eh?

338
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,160
Yes, Verdun Gorges,
second largest in the world.

339
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,520
A friend of mine's
white-water rafting there.

340
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,040
Fabulous country, France.
It's got everything, hasn't it?

341
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:21,080
Mountains, beaches, history, wine.

342
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:24,440
Just a shame about the toilets.

343
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,000
I mean, you think they
would have twigged by now.

344
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,120
Nobody else in Europe likes to crouch.

345
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,560
Actually, that's not strictly true.

346
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,960
I was in Germany once,
at a dental conference,

347
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,120
milling about with the old
name tag on, as you do.

348
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:45,080
Ran into this rather wonderful fraulein.

349
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,600
We got chatting. Had a few drinks.

350
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,240
Blah, blah, blah.

351
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,600
And went back to my hotel room.

352
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:55,480
Well, we didn't waste much
time getting down to it.

353
00:22:55,520 --> 00:23:00,000
But then suddenly she spots the
glass-topped coffee table in the corner.

354
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,240
"Would you mind awfully," she says,

355
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,360
"if I squat down on that,
with you lying underneath?"

356
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,600
And I thought, "Well, why not?"

357
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,160
You know, least I could do, sort of thing.

358
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,520
So I crawled under...

359
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,000
a little bit the worse for
wear by now, you know.

360
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,880
All a bit of a blur.

361
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,800
And then she crouches over me

362
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,320
and gathers her thoughts,
and then, whomp! Chocks away.

363
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:39,000
Took me a few seconds to realise
she'd taken the glass out.

364
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,960
It's the betrayal of trust,

365
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,960
that was the hardest thing
to swallow. Well...

366
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,880
Second hardest.

367
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,280
Are you using your
interdental brushes, then?

368
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,800
Ah, Vivien. I've been wondering about
some of the four-letter words we offer.

369
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,440
Have you, indeed?
For example, if I type in...

370
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,200
I get "shiv".

371
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,480
Ah, yes, "shiv". Is that a word people use?

372
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,080
Of course. Shiv - an improvised,
knife-like weapon, as in,

373
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:27,120
"I dispatched the blaggard with my shiv".
The second choice we offer is...

374
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,440
"pigt". Um, as in the abbreviation
for the gene

375
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,440
phosphatidylinositol-glycan, class T.

376
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:37,320
And those, I believe, are
all the suggestions we offer.

377
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,280
What about "shit"?

378
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,400
I beg your pardon?

379
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,091
It's a slang word for faeces
and, by extension,

380
00:24:44,116 --> 00:24:46,080
anything or anyone
of poor quality.

381
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,360
Yes, I-I-I know the term only too well.

382
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,880
Are you seriously suggesting
that the sort of people who compose

383
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,800
predictive text messages on their mobiles
would ever use a word like "shit"?

384
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,160
I was talking to the milkman this morning,

385
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,760
and he said it's in quite common usage,

386
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,640
so when someone types this,
isn't it more likely

387
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,360
that they're trying to write
"shit" than "shiv" or "pigt"?

388
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,920
Our job, Gilbert, is to offer people,

389
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:13,840
not the words they do use,
but the words that they SHOULD use.

390
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,120
So you always say.
Which is why when someone types in...

391
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,600
we offer them "coal", or "ambl".

392
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,920
Whereas we do not offer them "cock".

393
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,320
Or "anal".

394
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:31,080
Look, I believe predictive text
can be a real force for good,

395
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,640
turning rude messages
into politer versions,

396
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,720
such as "sips off, you ducking yanker".

397
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:40,280
What will that actually achieve?
Nothing less than this,

398
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,880
an entire generation of youngsters
with manners, courtesy

399
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,880
and a weirdly extensive vocabulary.

400
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,400
But you're living in
cloud cuckoo land, Vivien!

401
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:52,600
It's a new world out there, a new world
in which people swear all the bloody time!

402
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,200
All the "aloney" time, do you mean?
No, I don't!

403
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,686
Just because we pretend
they no longer exist,

404
00:25:57,711 --> 00:25:59,760
these rude words won't
just disappear.

405
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:05,040
And besides, if someone really wants
to write, let's say, "bum jockey",

406
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:09,120
what's to stop them switching to
non-predictive mode and spelling it out?

407
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,120
You're a talented boy, Gilbert,
and I know you mean well,

408
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,520
but sometimes you really are a total aunt.

409
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:20,480
Now, Mrs Fife's an outdoorsy woman.
Isn't that right, Fife? Quite so.

410
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,200
She makes Baden Powell look lily-livered.

411
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,765
Happiest with a 12 bore
tucked under her arm.

412
00:26:25,790 --> 00:26:27,960
Woe betide any rabbits
in the vicinity.

413
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,000
Fife here's what our colonial
cousins call a sports widow.

414
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,080
Has lots of hobbies
to fill up the empty hours.

415
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,200
Had an involvement in amateur
conjuring for a while. Yes.

416
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,360
Had to give it up. The sequins
from his leotard got everywhere.

417
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,680
Fife has another form of passing the time,
though, when he's not at the piano.

418
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,280
And once again we have devised
an exploration of the subject in verse,

419
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,720
which we would like to share
with you, if we may.

420
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,960
Look at those hands. A surgeon's hands.

421
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,280
'Bout time you gave them
back to him, isn't it?

422
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,600
# The children are out of the house

423
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,920
# It's as quiet as a mouse

424
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:12,400
# Mrs F is off again
Bagging pigeon, hare or grouse

425
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,040
# When one finds oneself truly alone,
what is a man to do?

426
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,240
# One could put up a shelf
Or please oneself

427
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:24,160
# It's really up to you!

428
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,400
# Knocking off a crafty one

429
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,600
# There's really nothing finer

430
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,600
# Do it in the kitchen

431
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,160
# Lose yourself over the china

432
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,440
# Knocking off a crafty one

433
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,200
# I prefer it to being in bed

434
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,760
# The best kind of aloneness

435
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:44,000
# An hour or two ahead
Of unadulterated pleasure

436
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,400
# Taken at my own pace

437
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,640
# Some Parisian nudes in poses lewd

438
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,040
# Spread out across the place

439
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:55,360
# And me lying before them
Taking myself in hand

440
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,960
# No worry about decorum
When you've led a one-man band

441
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,520
# Or if you wanted something racy

442
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,000
# And you like asphyxiation

443
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,800
# An orange and a rope Will get you far

444
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,520
# Hip hurrah! #

445
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:33,200
Aaah! Penalty, man!
That's definitely a penalty!

446
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:37,320
No way, man, I got the ball. You did not
touch the ball, you were nowhere near it.

447
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,880
That is total bullshiv.
Bullshiv, bullshiv.

448
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,525
The only bullshiv is coming
out of your mouth, man.

449
00:28:42,550 --> 00:28:44,880
You're a cheating piece of pigt.
Duck off, man.

450
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,640
Everybody knows you're a coal,
you're a ducking fick.

451
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:51,160
You're a total yanker.
Siss off, you assehole.

452
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,760
What did I tell you?