RECORD CRACKLES
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
HE PLAYS ORNATE PIANO MUSIC
APPLAUSE
I'm wearing my wife's knickers.
REGENCY MUSIC PLAYS
Ah, Miss Cardieu.
You and your friend Miss Howood look ravishing tonight.
Then perhaps you would like to accompany us back to Duxford Hall,
where she and I would be most happy to disport ourselves gaily
before you on the floor of the parlour.
And would I be confined to observing these antics?
Or might I be permitted to participate at some opportune juncture?
Participate?
Oh, Mr Gosling, I can promise that you will see more action
than the Duke of Wellington's musket.
'This is Winko of Red Squadron.
'Jerry is closing in. Repeat.
'Closing in fast. Yeah?'
MACHINE GUNS FIRE
'We need immediate cover. Immediate cover!
' You know what I'm saying? Please listen.
'My coordinates are...'
Wait, I've got another call, ya?
I'll put you on hold, all right?
All right, yeah, hi, Tyler. You all right?
Yeah, I'm just up in the plane and shit.
Yeah, what?
You what? She never?
She never? She never?
Really?
She never?
So when are we meeting? Seven?
About seven? Yeah, yeah, so what? We'll meet up at about seven?
Yeah, no, I'm just up in the plane and that.
So, I'll see you about seven then, yeah? All right. Laters.
Winko, Red Squadron, what were you saying?
Hello?
Hm. He blanked me, man!
'Day two. No sign of planes. Still no fresh water.
'It seems my three companions have no real practical experience to speak of,
'as they were on board the plane to attend a marketing conference entitled,
'"Making Big Ideas Float".
'However, I still entertain high hopes
that we shall soon find a way off this wretched island.'
They are going to be looking for us, so I suggest, the first thing we do
is write a giant SOS in the sand, so it can be seen from the air.
OK. All right.
Uh, yeah. But is it enough?
Enough? Well, SOS...
I mean, it's to the point, but...
It's just what everyone says, isn't it? I'm sorry?
No, I have to agree, actually.
SOS, I mean, we've all kind of seen it before, haven't we?
A little bit obvious for me.
Well, it is the international symbol for distress.
Yeah, but it's a "received wisdom".
If everybody's thinking the same way,
nobody is thinking for his or herself. Yeah.
Well, it's what you do. Exactly why we should do something else.
When the world zigs, zag.
Right. Let's think laterally.
A plane flies overhead.
A pilot takes a look down on the beach of an apparently deserted island.
He sees a message. Question... What does that message say?
Help?
Maybe a bit desperate. Needy. Quite off-putting, actually.
I really can't... No, Captain. Success comes in cans, not can'ts.
What?! I know.
Something more psychological?
Like it. What are you thinking? You're an airline pilot.
What's gonna make you want to save us? Conscience?
Please. We're missing a trick here.
What do we need? Dunno. Come on.
An incentive.
Let's pull that goddamn pilot out of the sky with an offer he can't refuse.
Christ, Christ, you're right!
I'm thinking...
"10% Off Everything On This Island".
Great. And we can write it in coconuts to give them an idea of what's on offer.
It's a big idea. Or, how about a simple..."Free"?
The most persuasive phrase in the world.
No.
The second most persuasive.
How about...
Brilliant. Oh, my god.
Stop! Stop! Over here!
Stop! Why aren't they stopping?
Keep it coming, people. You can buy an elephant in Harrods.
Excellent. You can't fold a piece of paper more than seven times.
What else? The bit between your wrist and your elbow's
the same length as your foot. Nice.
Moira Stuart doesn't believe in ghosts.
Good. Find out if she's a vegetarian. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. There's a village in India full of hermaphrodites.
Is there? You can't recycle the lids of milk bottles.
Yes, yes. Cats like watching snooker, sir.
Cats, sir. They like watching snooker.
I'm not listening to you, Declan!
Fife here has been down the tennis club again.
Umpiring, isn't it? I find it very hypnotic. Hypnotic?
Is that the word? Yes, yes. The back and forth of the ball across the net.
The thwock of cloth-covered vulcanised rubber on taut catgut.
Yes, he's been overseeing the women's under-21s again.
Bit like putting the fox in charge of the chicken coop!
HE GUFFAWS
I think it's the glasses, you see. Makes him look respectable.
Like a chemist or some such thing. Reliable. Trustworthy.
A pillar of the community.
They've no idea.
This next song proved very popular on the continent.
Sounds rather good sung in French.
Our apologies then, because in English, it sounds ruddy awful.
HE LAUGHS GAILY
# The loveliest thing about teenage girls... #
Sir, since the entire hotel's booked out by the candidates of the Miss World contest,
the England football team and The Rolling Stones,
you've been upgraded to the Presidential Suite.
The Miss World contestants have sent you this,
the England team would like you to dine with them this evening,
and Mr Jagger has said he will personally settle your bill
to recompense you for any inconvenience.
We trust you will enjoy your stay.
Ah.
Your wife's knickers, sir. Oh. Thank you.
Oh, Pru, my darling. Can I use the tongs after you?
Oh, yes, of course, Miranda, dearest.
Just, I'm mid-tong with these two tranches of olive quiche.
Awfully sorry, though I DID say, "after you are finished".
Of course, my dear. It's just distracting when someone speaks to you.
Is that where you're putting them, my dear? Yes, it would appear so, my love.
It's just we were putting the olive ones on the bottom shelf.
It doesn't matter, it's just confusing, 'cause they're a different price.
I DID say there wasn't any point in different prices.
Just makes a simple job complicated, my sweet. Yes?
Finished with the tongs, my sweet?
I see you've plonked them here, almost as if you'd forgotten I'd asked for them.
So sorry, my love. I was distracted by this little restaurant we find ourselves in.
I asked you a question.
You'll get your turn! Sorry, can I help you? I just want to pay.
I appreciate that. But there's no need to be aggressive.
Who's being aggressive? Are you being aggressive? No, no,
I just want to eat this. I think you need to calm down!
I just want to pay for my food. Don't threaten me!
I have a right to work without suffering this sort of abuse. Right.
I'd like you off these premises right now, thank you! This is outrageous.
Pru. It's kicking off.
Come on! Come on!
Oh, look, Jack.
It's a lion. Shall we go in?
Come in.
You got a minute? Ah, yes, of course. Have a seat.
Father...Stevens, isn't it?
Yeah. Steve, Stevo, whatever.
Tell me what it is I can do for you.
OK. Here's the thing. There's this parishioner at mass on Wednesdays,
whose husband's just snuffed it. Passed away.
Passed away. Yeah. And, erm, anyway...
she's been throwing me the odd look. When I'm up on the old stage.
The altar. The altar, yeah.
Anyway, during the bread bit,
you know, she like,
she sort of give me this big smile.
You know. I think it might be the outfit.
Black's a very strong colour.
Very powerful. Probably looks like I'm in The Matrix.
And is it you would like some advice on how to deal with pastoral relationships?
Yes. Cos I'm definitely in there.
Let me tell you. She's well doable.
It's not unusual for a priest who has recently taken on the responsibilities
of shepherding his flock to find that God has laid temptation in his path.
Well, He got it spot on this time.
I tell you, she's my absolute perfect sort.
He can read me like a book.
Oh, you cheeky sod!
Well, He is all-knowing.
Yeah, so I just wanted to run it past you first and get your OK, chief.
My OK for... For what?
To you know, give her my blessing.
Your blessing to...? You know. Comfort her.
Give her a right good comforting.
Father Steven...
when a man is ordained as a priest, he forsakes sexual relationships
and consecrates himself wholly to God in eternity.
The vow of celibacy is not negotiable.
D'you wanna check that?
Cos I thought it was one of those laws that no-one took seriously.
Like, you know, the speed limit,
or dog fighting.
Engaging in sexual congress with a parishioner, particularly a parishioner
who is grieving, is not only against the priestly rules of your office,
but is also extremely unethical.
Even with a hottie?
Even with a... Yes!
Come on. This is like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me.
You know, I don't get the grumble just throwing itself at me.
So, when something like this happens, you gotta look at it,
it's a gift from God, right?
He's looking down, He's saying, "There you go, Steve, one for the road.
"You're not gonna be shagging much for a while. Get stuck in.
"It's a treat on Me!"
No.
Oh, well. Worth a try.
I like you, Father. You give it straight.
I'm glad you can see the clarity of the Church's position.
Yeah. Fair do's. Well, I gotta shoot. Gotta see a bloke about a car.
Take it easy.
What if I resigned, shagged her, then reapplied?
I just felt so ignored.
You know, I'd start a sentence and people would...
Would just talk right over me.
I mean, you know, I've got opinions.
Things to say.
It's just no-one was listening.
So I thought, right...
I'll become a teacher.
'Be a teacher. At least 30 kids have to listen to you. It's the law.'
Iran...
cannot be allowed to pursue their nuclear ambitions.
The threat, however distant,
of a nuclear standoff in the region, makes that imperative.
And let me be clear. The military option remains on the table.
SPEAKS IN PERSIAN
Once again we have been dishonoured by American imperialism. Generals...
Gentleman, gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
As you know, I have an urgent appointment elsewhere.
But, I think I may have a solution.
We amend the motion to rule out the military option entirely.
But, we put in its place, a timetable of sanctions
with the aim of bringing Tehran back on board
and establishing a monitored domestic nuclear energy programme.
SPEAKS IN PERSIAN
All those in favour of the amendment?
Unanimous. Amendment carried.
Here are your briefing notes for this afternoon's ceremony,
and an advanced schedule for next week.
You'll see I've rescheduled your meeting with the Archbishop,
but I thought we could put him in when you get back from Moscow.
Excellent. There are hard copies in the car,
and I've emailed both of those to your Blackberry for safekeeping.
Now, we're going to put lunch back to half past two,
'cause you've got a conference call with the Chancellor now.
Shit!
Something wrong, Prime Minister?
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Problem? I left my bloody briefcase in the bunker.
OK.
It's got the Joint Intelligence Committee papers in it. Oh.
And the nuclear codes.
Right... Where were you sitting? Just between Iran and...
North Korea.
Do you want to go back and get it?
I just think it would be a bit embarrassing.
Cos I left on a bit of a high.
It's just that whoever has those codes
has the authority to start a nuclear war. Just...
Right. Right.
I think we'll just leave it. OK.
SAT-NAV: 'Take the next right, avoiding Britannia Avenue.
'I say Britannia...
'It's more like the United Nations.
'Full of supermarkets. Don't ask me what they sell.
'I've never seen vegetables like that before, and the bread's funny.
'Still, at least they're always open.
'At the roundabout take the second exit.'
Captain, a grave situation is developing in the Delta quadrant.
A fleet of Strateen battle cruisers are massing
in pursuit of the exiled king and queen.
You mean...
Yes. Kenneth and Beverly Hamilton. We are sworn to protect them.
The Delta quadrant is on the other side of the galaxy.
Even so, we need you. How quickly can you make it there?
Number One. ETA for the Delta quadrant.
By my calculations, Captain, and at maximum velocity,
we can be there by Thursday, Friday... Saturday at the latest.
Then Saturday at the latest it must be.
God speed and good luck, Captain.
We have our orders. Adam, full thrust for the Delta quadrant. Full thrust, aye, sir.
ENGINE ROARS
Adam, situation report.
I don't know, sir. Running diagnostics.
Captain, if I may. Many years ago I served on a Tarangle attack ship
where we encountered problems which displayed similarities to this.
Go on, Number One.
After days of drifting through hostile space without power, we discovered that...
the engine was flooded.
With respect sir, that's just not possible.
This ship is an Annihilator-class Star Destroyer.
She has an automatic choke.
Then what the hell is wrong?
I've run diagnostics on the primary and secondary thrusters
and a full spectrum analysis across the electromagnetic array.
It does appear, sir, the problem lies with... Yes?
...the battery. It's a bit flat.
How did this happen?
Sir, I think...I may have left the reading light on last night.
Ian, we require your assistance.
Helen, my love, can you get the jump leads from the cupboard under the stairs?
I'll back up.
Hello, darling. Holly!
Hello, Rodge. Peter?
Thought you were having a drink with Jill and Tony?
Tony didn't have any cider so I offered to get some.
What the hell's going on?
Well, we were looking for Holly's purse. I can't find it anywhere.
You're half-naked!
Yes? Why?
Holly, I think you'd better go indoors.
What? Please, Holly.
What is it? Look, Rodge...
There's a reason we were naked in your car. Yeah?
We were...hot. Very hot.
Why were you hot, Peter?
Well, because the heating system in this car is quite frankly a disgrace, Rodge.
The car wasn't switched on.
It's not now, Holly switched it on earlier.
How? There's only one set of keys. Look. This is what happened.
I came over here to confirm with you that our meeting with McQuarries was tomorrow.
Holly said you were having a drink with the neighbours
and would be gone for at least an hour.
She'd lost her purse in your car.
I started looking for it but then decided it would be easier
if the lights were on, but they won't come on without the engine being on.
So, I hotwired the car, started the engine, turned the lights on,
but then we noticed how hot it was with your frankly disgraceful heating system,
so we took a few clothes off. It's really very simple.
Well, it doesn't look like it's been hotwired. I put it all back.
First rule of hotwiring. Tidy up afterwards.
I'm so sorry, Peter. You must think I'm quite the green-eyed monster.
Now I'm even suspecting my best friend.
Look, I told you to stop this.
Rodge, for the last time, Holly is not having an affair.
I just found this text message on her mobile.
"I want to give you a rogering in the car"?
Any idea what that means?
Does it say who it's from? No, he doesn't leave his name.
Well, that's bad luck, Rodge. Bloody bad luck.
Bloody, bloody bad luck.
But all I have to do is press "Return Call". No. Don't do that.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Yes? Peter?
Yes? It's Rodge.
Hang on, I'll be Rodge.
It's you! You sent Holly that text.
"I'm going to give you a rogering in the car."
That's what you were doing! You were giving her a rogering in the car!
No, I wasn't. You were!
What I was saying was, I would like to give your Rodge a ring in the car.
Bloody...predictive text.
Oh. Thank God.
For a minute, I thought we were really in trouble.
Miss Howood, you look ravishing.
Though I cannot help but conject that your exquisite gown would look
even more becoming strewn on the floor of my bedchamber.
And a man as exquisitely fashioned as you,
Captain Jennings, would look even more becoming
on, beneath, behind, and, for my own benefit, several inches within, me.
Mind, there's a lot of talk about global warming
at the minute, isn't there? Eh, dear.
Green this, renewable that, now they're even saying
divvent gan to Gran Canaria or Majorca
on cheap flights cause that's just making the whole place even hotter.
Ye kna what I think we should dee?
We should just gan up a ladder and paint all the roofs white.
'Cause currently, the Earth reflects about a third of the sunlight that hits it.
Now, so much of our landmass is occupied by buildings,
you paint all them roofs white,
you'll increase the albedo - the reflected light - by nearly two per cent.
Now that's enough to lead to a drop in global temperature
of up to one degree centigrade.
Almost exactly compensating for all of global warming
that's taken place since the Industrial Revolution.
But what do ah know?
CHEERING
My God! That was fantastic!
Brilliant. It was like Bjork was in the room.
Come on, who's next? What about Nigel?
THEY CHEER
No, no, no, no. No. I don't think so, no.
No, I'm RUBBISH at karaoke!
Oh, come on, it's just a bit of fun.
It might be fun for you. Seriously, I'm a terrible singer.
Methinks Nigel doth protest too much.
Exactly, exactly. No, no. Please, believe me.
My singing is really, really bad.
You're just being modest.
THEY CHANT: Nigel! Nigel! Nigel!
Don't say I didn't warn you!
Oh, brave choice.
HE SINGS A DISCORD
THEY SCREAM
That wasn't too bad, actually.
SAT-NAV: 'In 400 metres, bear right.
'I wouldn't go left at the next lights, it's like a bloody shantytown.
'They're only kids playing football, but you wouldn't want to break down.
'You wonder where the parents are.
'Take the next right into Birch Row.'
Right, item nine, new army boots.
Major Llewelyn-Brown, over to you. Thank you, sir.
Well, as you're all aware, we've recently taken delivery
of a new prototype of British Army boot.
However, there are a number of issues which have not been addressed.
The leather doesn't breathe.
They're lace-up which is time-consuming.
And the soles are rigid.
We're discovering they're far from ideal for desert warfare.
OK. So what do you suggest?
Well, I'm not a designer,
but the Americans and Australians in Iraq are using a boot like this.
It's made from Gore-Tex with a synthetic sole, and Velcro straps instead of laces.
Interesting. Well, James, you designed the new boot.
What do you have to say? Oh, fine. Do what you like.
Sorry?
If you want to look like every other army in Iraq, fine, I'll get rid of the laces.
It's a lot easier to design boots with Velcro instead of laces. So, fine.
Well, there's no slight on you.
There's really no need to be so defensive. I'm not!
You tell me what you want and I'll do it.
I'm not a soldier. I'm just a facilitator.
I'm just here to realise your vision. I can see what my job is now.
Thank you very much for making it clear to me.
I'm sorry. It's just that the time
you save by having Velcro instead of laces could save a life.
Oh, yes, 'cause they're always going on about killer laces on CNN, aren't they?
Listen, sweetheart. I was given a brief for a traditional British Army boot.
If you're moving the goalposts, and you want all the bells and whistles,
Velcro, synthetic soles, "Gore-Tex"... Fine. That's what I'll give you.
Well, if you could...? Oh, I will. I will.
But why stop at Velcro on the boots?
Why don't I put Velcro all over the uniform?
You know, then they could just whip their trousers off like a stripper.
Might "save another life".
Look. I've timed our men running in your boot and the American boot,
and in the American boot they are 20% faster.
Listen, Major Llewelyn-Bowen, or whatever your name is,
I won't tell you how to drive a tank,
you don't tell me how to design a pair of boots.
Now, look... Gentlemen, please!
I can't stand conflict. Major, you've made some excellent points,
but James is upset so I think we'd better just go with these.
We'll just give that a minute to set hard.
Have you ever thought of having any cosmetic work done?
Well, uh...
I mean, I don't think you need anything major doing,
just maybe a bit of whitening.
Remove some of that staining.
I'll give you a couple of leaflets, you can have a look through them.
See what all the different things do.
OK. Just another tick or two. There we go, just pop them down there.
Yes, it's funny, isn't it? All this cosmetic surgery.
I mean, it was only a few years ago the idea of it was all a bit...
Well, you know, people thought you were a bit up yourself, didn't they? A bit vain.
But now, you know, there's the old Botox, the liposuction...
Everyone's at it.
You know Emma? My wife?
She's had some...
Some work done.
Oh, God.... Mmm.
No, you'd never think it. She's got a lovely figure, kept herself very trim.
Absolutely no complaints in that department.
No, it was just after our youngest was born. She decided...
Well, suffice it to say she's always been quite pronounced down there.
It's actually quite common.
The Japanese call it the "winged butterfly".
They look on it as some sort of sexual delicacy.
Anyway, she had this work done.
Laser vaginoplasty, I think they call it.
And I must say, the chap did an absolutely first-rate job.
Looks like a little pink rose.
I mean, an unexpected side-effect is
the sex has become absolutely brilliant.
I mean, it's so taut down there, first time I thought I'd taken a wrong turning.
OK. That's you all done. Let's have a rinse.
Item ten. New Guantanamo Bay jumpsuits.
Right, well... The clementine is looking a bit tired.
So I thought this season...
Ta-da!