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RECORD CRACKLES

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UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

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HE PLAYS ORNATE PIANO MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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I'm wearing my wife's knickers.

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REGENCY MUSIC PLAYS

7
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Ah, Miss Cardieu.

8
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You and your friend Miss Howood
look ravishing tonight.

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Then perhaps you would like
to accompany us back to Duxford Hall,

10
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where she and I would be most
happy to disport ourselves gaily

11
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before you on the floor of the parlour.

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And would I be confined
to observing these antics?

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Or might I be permitted to participate
at some opportune juncture?

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Participate?

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Oh, Mr Gosling, I can promise
that you will see more action

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than the Duke of Wellington's musket.

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'This is Winko of Red Squadron.

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'Jerry is closing in. Repeat.

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'Closing in fast. Yeah?'

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MACHINE GUNS FIRE

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'We need immediate cover.
Immediate cover!

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' You know what I'm saying?
Please listen.

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'My coordinates are...'

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Wait, I've got another call, ya?

25
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I'll put you on hold, all right?

26
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All right, yeah, hi, Tyler.
You all right?

27
00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:58,900
Yeah, I'm just up
in the plane and shit.

28
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Yeah, what?

29
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You what? She never?

30
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She never? She never?

31
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Really?

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She never?

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So when are we meeting? Seven?

34
00:02:12,980 --> 00:02:16,580
About seven? Yeah, yeah, so what?
We'll meet up at about seven?

35
00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:19,340
Yeah, no,
I'm just up in the plane and that.

36
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So, I'll see you about seven then,
yeah? All right. Laters.

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Winko, Red Squadron,
what were you saying?

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Hello?

39
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Hello?

40
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Hm. He blanked me, man!

41
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'Day two. No sign of planes.
Still no fresh water.

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00:02:41,220 --> 00:02:46,020
'It seems my three companions have no
real practical experience to speak of,

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'as they were on board the plane to
attend a marketing conference entitled,

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'"Making Big Ideas Float".

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'However, I still entertain high hopes

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that we shall soon find a way
off this wretched island.'

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They are going to be looking for us,
so I suggest, the first thing we do

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is write a giant SOS in the sand,
so it can be seen from the air.

49
00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:12,980
OK. All right.

50
00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:15,140
Uh, yeah. But is it enough?

51
00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:18,220
Enough? Well, SOS...

52
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:20,420
I mean, it's to the point, but...

53
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It's just what everyone says,
isn't it? I'm sorry?

54
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,180
No, I have to agree, actually.

55
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SOS, I mean, we've all kind of
seen it before, haven't we?

56
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A little bit obvious for me.

57
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:33,060
Well, it is the international
symbol for distress.

58
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Yeah, but it's a "received wisdom".

59
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If everybody's thinking the same way,

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nobody is thinking for
his or herself. Yeah.

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Well, it's what you do. Exactly
why we should do something else.

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When the world zigs, zag.

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Right. Let's think laterally.

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A plane flies overhead.

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A pilot takes a look down on the beach
of an apparently deserted island.

66
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He sees a message. Question...
What does that message say?

67
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Help?

68
00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:03,020
Maybe a bit desperate. Needy.
Quite off-putting, actually.

69
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:06,180
I really can't... No, Captain.
Success comes in cans, not can'ts.

70
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What?! I know.

71
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Something more psychological?

72
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Like it. What are you thinking?
You're an airline pilot.

73
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What's gonna make you
want to save us? Conscience?

74
00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:19,220
Please. We're missing a trick here.

75
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What do we need? Dunno. Come on.

76
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An incentive.

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Let's pull that goddamn pilot out of
the sky with an offer he can't refuse.

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Christ, Christ, you're right!

79
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I'm thinking...

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"10% Off Everything On This Island".

81
00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:38,380
Great. And we can write it in coconuts
to give them an idea of what's on offer.

82
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:41,980
It's a big idea.
Or, how about a simple..."Free"?

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The most persuasive phrase
in the world.

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No.

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The second most persuasive.

86
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How about...

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Brilliant. Oh, my god.

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Stop! Stop! Over here!

89
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Stop! Why aren't they stopping?

90
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Keep it coming, people.
You can buy an elephant in Harrods.

91
00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:14,300
Excellent. You can't fold a piece
of paper more than seven times.

92
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,076
What else? The bit between
your wrist and your elbow's

93
00:05:17,101 --> 00:05:18,860
the same length as your foot.
Nice.

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00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:21,020
Moira Stuart
doesn't believe in ghosts.

95
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,460
Good. Find out
if she's a vegetarian. Yes, sir.

96
00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:26,940
Yes, sir. There's a village in
India full of hermaphrodites.

97
00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:29,660
Is there? You can't recycle
the lids of milk bottles.

98
00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:32,580
Yes, yes.
Cats like watching snooker, sir.

99
00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:35,660
Cats, sir.
They like watching snooker.

100
00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:37,380
I'm not listening to you, Declan!

101
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,940
Fife here has been down
the tennis club again.

102
00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:45,700
Umpiring, isn't it?
I find it very hypnotic. Hypnotic?

103
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:49,500
Is that the word? Yes, yes. The back
and forth of the ball across the net.

104
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:53,300
The thwock of cloth-covered
vulcanised rubber on taut catgut.

105
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,660
Yes, he's been overseeing
the women's under-21s again.

106
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Bit like putting the fox in charge
of the chicken coop!

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HE GUFFAWS

108
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I think it's the glasses, you see.
Makes him look respectable.

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Like a chemist or some such thing.
Reliable. Trustworthy.

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A pillar of the community.

111
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They've no idea.

112
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This next song proved
very popular on the continent.

113
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Sounds rather good sung in French.

114
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Our apologies then, because
in English, it sounds ruddy awful.

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HE LAUGHS GAILY

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# The loveliest thing
about teenage girls... #

117
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:46,300
Sir, since the entire hotel's booked out by
the candidates of the Miss World contest,

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the England football team
and The Rolling Stones,

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you've been upgraded
to the Presidential Suite.

120
00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:54,620
The Miss World contestants
have sent you this,

121
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:57,820
the England team would like you
to dine with them this evening,

122
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and Mr Jagger has said
he will personally settle your bill

123
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to recompense you
for any inconvenience.

124
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We trust you will enjoy your stay.

125
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Ah.

126
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:14,060
Your wife's knickers, sir.
Oh. Thank you.

127
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,900
Oh, Pru, my darling.
Can I use the tongs after you?

128
00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:19,940
Oh, yes, of course, Miranda, dearest.

129
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,020
Just, I'm mid-tong with
these two tranches of olive quiche.

130
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Awfully sorry, though I DID say,
"after you are finished".

131
00:07:26,060 --> 00:07:29,580
Of course, my dear. It's just distracting
when someone speaks to you.

132
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:33,940
Is that where you're putting them, my dear?
Yes, it would appear so, my love.

133
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It's just we were putting
the olive ones on the bottom shelf.

134
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:40,580
It doesn't matter, it's just confusing,
'cause they're a different price.

135
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:43,420
I DID say there wasn't
any point in different prices.

136
00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:46,220
Just makes a simple job complicated,
my sweet. Yes?

137
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:47,820
Finished with the tongs, my sweet?

138
00:07:47,820 --> 00:07:52,140
I see you've plonked them here, almost
as if you'd forgotten I'd asked for them.

139
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:56,340
So sorry, my love. I was distracted by this
little restaurant we find ourselves in.

140
00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:57,740
I asked you a question.

141
00:07:57,740 --> 00:08:01,260
You'll get your turn! Sorry, can
I help you? I just want to pay.

142
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:03,740
I appreciate that. But there's
no need to be aggressive.

143
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,500
Who's being aggressive?
Are you being aggressive? No, no,

144
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:09,380
I just want to eat this.
I think you need to calm down!

145
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:11,900
I just want to pay for my food.
Don't threaten me!

146
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:15,300
I have a right to work without
suffering this sort of abuse. Right.

147
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:19,100
I'd like you off these premises
right now, thank you! This is outrageous.

148
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:21,820
Pru. It's kicking off.

149
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,820
Come on! Come on!

150
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,380
Oh, look, Jack.

151
00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:40,660
It's a lion. Shall we go in?

152
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:54,220
Come in.

153
00:08:55,340 --> 00:08:59,540
You got a minute?
Ah, yes, of course. Have a seat.

154
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,740
Father...Stevens, isn't it?

155
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:03,940
Yeah. Steve, Stevo, whatever.

156
00:09:04,940 --> 00:09:07,460
Tell me what it is I can do for you.

157
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:11,380
OK. Here's the thing. There's this
parishioner at mass on Wednesdays,

158
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:14,060
whose husband's just snuffed it.
Passed away.

159
00:09:14,060 --> 00:09:16,420
Passed away. Yeah.
And, erm, anyway...

160
00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:19,780
she's been throwing me the odd look.
When I'm up on the old stage.

161
00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:21,380
The altar. The altar, yeah.

162
00:09:21,380 --> 00:09:24,140
Anyway, during the bread bit,

163
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:26,180
you know, she like,

164
00:09:26,180 --> 00:09:28,340
she sort of give me this big smile.

165
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:30,660
You know.
I think it might be the outfit.

166
00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:32,420
Black's a very strong colour.

167
00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:36,220
Very powerful. Probably
looks like I'm in The Matrix.

168
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:41,580
And is it you would like some advice on
how to deal with pastoral relationships?

169
00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:44,020
Yes. Cos I'm definitely in there.

170
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:45,860
Let me tell you. She's well doable.

171
00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:50,900
It's not unusual for a priest who has
recently taken on the responsibilities

172
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:55,780
of shepherding his flock to find that
God has laid temptation in his path.

173
00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:57,460
Well, He got it spot on this time.

174
00:09:57,460 --> 00:09:59,740
I tell you,
she's my absolute perfect sort.

175
00:09:59,740 --> 00:10:01,020
He can read me like a book.

176
00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:02,060
Oh, you cheeky sod!

177
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,980
Well, He is all-knowing.

178
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:10,260
Yeah, so I just wanted to run it past
you first and get your OK, chief.

179
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:13,380
My OK for... For what?

180
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,220
To you know, give her my blessing.

181
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:19,620
Your blessing to...?
You know. Comfort her.

182
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,220
Give her a right good comforting.

183
00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:24,020
Father Steven...

184
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:30,380
when a man is ordained as a priest,
he forsakes sexual relationships

185
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,860
and consecrates himself
wholly to God in eternity.

186
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:38,020
The vow of celibacy
is not negotiable.

187
00:10:38,020 --> 00:10:39,420
D'you wanna check that?

188
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:44,100
Cos I thought it was one of those
laws that no-one took seriously.

189
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,780
Like, you know, the speed limit,

190
00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:46,820
or dog fighting.

191
00:10:49,060 --> 00:10:53,420
Engaging in sexual congress with a
parishioner, particularly a parishioner

192
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:58,604
who is grieving, is not only against
the priestly rules of your office,

193
00:10:58,629 --> 00:11:00,980
but is also extremely unethical.

194
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:02,580
Even with a hottie?

195
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:05,140
Even with a... Yes!

196
00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:08,700
Come on. This is like a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity for me.

197
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:11,780
You know, I don't get the grumble
just throwing itself at me.

198
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:15,060
So, when something like this happens,
you gotta look at it,

199
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:16,660
it's a gift from God, right?

200
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:20,380
He's looking down, He's saying,
"There you go, Steve, one for the road.

201
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,900
"You're not gonna be shagging much
for a while. Get stuck in.

202
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,140
"It's a treat on Me!"

203
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:27,820
No.

204
00:11:28,780 --> 00:11:29,980
Oh, well. Worth a try.

205
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,220
I like you, Father.
You give it straight.

206
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:35,940
I'm glad you can see the clarity
of the Church's position.

207
00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:39,860
Yeah. Fair do's. Well, I gotta shoot.
Gotta see a bloke about a car.

208
00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:42,220
Take it easy.

209
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:48,300
What if I resigned, shagged her,
then reapplied?

210
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:54,300
I just felt so ignored.

211
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:57,100
You know, I'd start a sentence
and people would...

212
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,260
Would just talk right over me.

213
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,420
I mean, you know, I've got opinions.

214
00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:03,020
Things to say.

215
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:05,260
It's just no-one was listening.

216
00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:07,460
So I thought, right...

217
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,220
I'll become a teacher.

218
00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:15,060
'Be a teacher. At least 30 kids
have to listen to you. It's the law.'

219
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,300
Iran...

220
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:25,740
cannot be allowed to pursue
their nuclear ambitions.

221
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:27,540
The threat, however distant,

222
00:12:27,565 --> 00:12:31,460
of a nuclear standoff in the region,
makes that imperative.

223
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:36,500
And let me be clear. The military
option remains on the table.

224
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:39,660
SPEAKS IN PERSIAN

225
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:47,420
Once again we have been dishonoured
by American imperialism. Generals...

226
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:50,100
Gentleman, gentlemen, gentlemen,
please.

227
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:53,460
As you know, I have an urgent
appointment elsewhere.

228
00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:55,780
But, I think I may have a solution.

229
00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:59,780
We amend the motion to rule out
the military option entirely.

230
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:04,091
But, we put in its place,
a timetable of sanctions

231
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:07,980
with the aim of bringing
Tehran back on board

232
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:11,820
and establishing a monitored
domestic nuclear energy programme.

233
00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:13,580
SPEAKS IN PERSIAN

234
00:13:13,580 --> 00:13:15,420
All those in favour of the amendment?

235
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:21,620
Unanimous. Amendment carried.

236
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:48,004
Here are your briefing notes
for this afternoon's ceremony,

237
00:13:48,029 --> 00:13:50,180
and an advanced
schedule for next week.

238
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,620
You'll see I've rescheduled
your meeting with the Archbishop,

239
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:56,340
but I thought we could put him
in when you get back from Moscow.

240
00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:58,740
Excellent.
There are hard copies in the car,

241
00:13:58,740 --> 00:14:02,340
and I've emailed both of those
to your Blackberry for safekeeping.

242
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:05,300
Now, we're going to put lunch
back to half past two,

243
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:08,780
'cause you've got a conference call
with the Chancellor now.

244
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:09,820
Shit!

245
00:14:09,820 --> 00:14:12,420
Something wrong, Prime Minister?

246
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:15,340
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

247
00:14:15,340 --> 00:14:18,300
Problem? I left my bloody briefcase
in the bunker.

248
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,980
OK.

249
00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:25,220
It's got the Joint Intelligence
Committee papers in it. Oh.

250
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:27,260
And the nuclear codes.

251
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:32,900
Right... Where were you sitting?
Just between Iran and...

252
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:34,780
North Korea.

253
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:36,540
Do you want to go back and get it?

254
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:44,220
I just think it would be
a bit embarrassing.

255
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,620
Cos I left on a bit of a high.

256
00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:47,771
It's just that whoever
has those codes

257
00:14:47,796 --> 00:14:50,460
has the authority to start
a nuclear war. Just...

258
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:51,820
Right. Right.

259
00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,540
I think we'll just leave it. OK.

260
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,740
SAT-NAV: 'Take the next right,
avoiding Britannia Avenue.

261
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,180
'I say Britannia...

262
00:15:10,180 --> 00:15:13,140
'It's more like the United Nations.

263
00:15:13,140 --> 00:15:17,900
'Full of supermarkets.
Don't ask me what they sell.

264
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:22,980
'I've never seen vegetables like
that before, and the bread's funny.

265
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:25,860
'Still, at least they're always open.

266
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:31,140
'At the roundabout
take the second exit.'

267
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:41,340
Captain, a grave situation is
developing in the Delta quadrant.

268
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,670
A fleet of Strateen battle
cruisers are massing

269
00:15:43,695 --> 00:15:45,660
in pursuit of the
exiled king and queen.

270
00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:46,860
You mean...

271
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:50,580
Yes. Kenneth and Beverly Hamilton.
We are sworn to protect them.

272
00:15:50,580 --> 00:15:53,580
The Delta quadrant is on
the other side of the galaxy.

273
00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:56,340
Even so, we need you.
How quickly can you make it there?

274
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:58,340
Number One.
ETA for the Delta quadrant.

275
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:02,220
By my calculations, Captain,
and at maximum velocity,

276
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:06,900
we can be there by Thursday,
Friday... Saturday at the latest.

277
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,100
Then Saturday at the latest
it must be.

278
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,100
God speed and good luck, Captain.

279
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:15,100
We have our orders. Adam, full thrust for
the Delta quadrant. Full thrust, aye, sir.

280
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,700
ENGINE ROARS

281
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:23,940
Adam, situation report.

282
00:16:23,940 --> 00:16:26,500
I don't know, sir.
Running diagnostics.

283
00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:31,060
Captain, if I may. Many years ago
I served on a Tarangle attack ship

284
00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:34,820
where we encountered problems
which displayed similarities to this.

285
00:16:34,820 --> 00:16:36,260
Go on, Number One.

286
00:16:36,285 --> 00:16:40,580
After days of drifting through hostile
space without power, we discovered that...

287
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:42,660
the engine was flooded.

288
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:44,900
With respect sir,
that's just not possible.

289
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,900
This ship is
an Annihilator-class Star Destroyer.

290
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,460
She has an automatic choke.

291
00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:51,920
Then what the hell is wrong?

292
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:55,100
I've run diagnostics on the
primary and secondary thrusters

293
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:58,500
and a full spectrum analysis
across the electromagnetic array.

294
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:01,220
It does appear, sir,
the problem lies with... Yes?

295
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,660
...the battery. It's a bit flat.

296
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:06,460
How did this happen?

297
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:12,100
Sir, I think...I may have left
the reading light on last night.

298
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,180
Ian, we require your assistance.

299
00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:19,740
Helen, my love, can you get the jump leads
from the cupboard under the stairs?

300
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:22,900
I'll back up.

301
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:43,300
Hello, darling. Holly!

302
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,420
Hello, Rodge. Peter?

303
00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:48,055
Thought you were having
a drink with Jill and Tony?

304
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,740
Tony didn't have any cider
so I offered to get some.

305
00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:52,100
What the hell's going on?

306
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:57,300
Well, we were looking for Holly's
purse. I can't find it anywhere.

307
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,420
You're half-naked!

308
00:17:58,420 --> 00:18:01,220
Yes? Why?

309
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:03,300
Holly, I think
you'd better go indoors.

310
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:05,620
What? Please, Holly.

311
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,300
What is it? Look, Rodge...

312
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:13,420
There's a reason
we were naked in your car. Yeah?

313
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:18,780
We were...hot. Very hot.

314
00:18:18,780 --> 00:18:20,580
Why were you hot, Peter?

315
00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:24,260
Well, because the heating system in this
car is quite frankly a disgrace, Rodge.

316
00:18:24,260 --> 00:18:25,780
The car wasn't switched on.

317
00:18:25,780 --> 00:18:27,940
It's not now,
Holly switched it on earlier.

318
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:32,460
How? There's only one set of keys.
Look. This is what happened.

319
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:36,260
I came over here to confirm with you that
our meeting with McQuarries was tomorrow.

320
00:18:36,260 --> 00:18:38,990
Holly said you were having
a drink with the neighbours

321
00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:40,940
and would be gone for
at least an hour.

322
00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:42,620
She'd lost her purse in your car.

323
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,740
I started looking for it but
then decided it would be easier

324
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:49,180
if the lights were on, but they won't
come on without the engine being on.

325
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:52,500
So, I hotwired the car, started
the engine, turned the lights on,

326
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:57,340
but then we noticed how hot it was with
your frankly disgraceful heating system,

327
00:18:57,340 --> 00:19:00,540
so we took a few clothes off.
It's really very simple.

328
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,820
Well, it doesn't look like it's
been hotwired. I put it all back.

329
00:19:03,820 --> 00:19:06,300
First rule of hotwiring.
Tidy up afterwards.

330
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:10,380
I'm so sorry, Peter. You must think
I'm quite the green-eyed monster.

331
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:12,700
Now I'm even suspecting
my best friend.

332
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:14,340
Look, I told you to stop this.

333
00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:18,580
Rodge, for the last time,
Holly is not having an affair.

334
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:21,340
I just found this text message
on her mobile.

335
00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:23,620
"I want to give you
a rogering in the car"?

336
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,140
Any idea what that means?

337
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:28,220
Does it say who it's from?
No, he doesn't leave his name.

338
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:31,540
Well, that's bad luck, Rodge.
Bloody bad luck.

339
00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:33,740
Bloody, bloody bad luck.

340
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:36,860
But all I have to do is press
"Return Call". No. Don't do that.

341
00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:39,660
MOBILE PHONE RINGS

342
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:44,780
Yes? Peter?

343
00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:46,220
Yes? It's Rodge.

344
00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:48,340
Hang on, I'll be Rodge.

345
00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:51,260
It's you! You sent Holly that text.

346
00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:53,500
"I'm going to give you
a rogering in the car."

347
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,900
That's what you were doing! You were
giving her a rogering in the car!

348
00:19:56,900 --> 00:19:58,580
No, I wasn't. You were!

349
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:04,900
What I was saying was, I would like
to give your Rodge a ring in the car.

350
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:08,220
Bloody...predictive text.

351
00:20:12,780 --> 00:20:13,820
Oh. Thank God.

352
00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:16,540
For a minute,
I thought we were really in trouble.

353
00:20:23,660 --> 00:20:25,380
Miss Howood, you look ravishing.

354
00:20:25,380 --> 00:20:28,860
Though I cannot help but conject
that your exquisite gown would look

355
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:31,820
even more becoming strewn
on the floor of my bedchamber.

356
00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:34,353
And a man as exquisitely
fashioned as you,

357
00:20:34,378 --> 00:20:37,180
Captain Jennings, would
look even more becoming

358
00:20:37,180 --> 00:20:41,460
on, beneath, behind, and, for my own
benefit, several inches within, me.

359
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:48,423
Mind, there's a lot of
talk about global warming

360
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,340
at the minute, isn't there?
Eh, dear.

361
00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:53,059
Green this, renewable that,
now they're even saying

362
00:20:53,084 --> 00:20:55,060
divvent gan to Gran
Canaria or Majorca

363
00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:58,700
on cheap flights cause that's just
making the whole place even hotter.

364
00:20:58,700 --> 00:21:00,620
Ye kna what I think we should dee?

365
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:03,820
We should just gan up a ladder
and paint all the roofs white.

366
00:21:03,820 --> 00:21:08,140
'Cause currently, the Earth reflects
about a third of the sunlight that hits it.

367
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:11,276
Now, so much of our landmass
is occupied by buildings,

368
00:21:11,301 --> 00:21:13,100
you paint all them roofs white,

369
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:18,100
you'll increase the albedo - the
reflected light - by nearly two per cent.

370
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:21,316
Now that's enough to lead to
a drop in global temperature

371
00:21:21,341 --> 00:21:23,060
of up to one degree centigrade.

372
00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:26,280
Almost exactly compensating
for all of global warming

373
00:21:26,305 --> 00:21:29,380
that's taken place since
the Industrial Revolution.

374
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:30,740
But what do ah know?

375
00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:36,700
CHEERING

376
00:21:38,980 --> 00:21:41,060
My God! That was fantastic!

377
00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:44,220
Brilliant. It was like
Bjork was in the room.

378
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:47,900
Come on, who's next?
What about Nigel?

379
00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:50,060
THEY CHEER

380
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:52,660
No, no, no, no. No.
I don't think so, no.

381
00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:54,740
No, I'm RUBBISH at karaoke!

382
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:56,500
Oh, come on, it's just a bit of fun.

383
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,900
It might be fun for you.
Seriously, I'm a terrible singer.

384
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,140
Methinks Nigel
doth protest too much.

385
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:06,580
Exactly, exactly.
No, no. Please, believe me.

386
00:22:06,580 --> 00:22:09,300
My singing is really, really bad.

387
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:10,780
You're just being modest.

388
00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:14,780
THEY CHANT:
Nigel! Nigel! Nigel!

389
00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:17,180
Nigel! Nigel! Nigel!

390
00:22:19,820 --> 00:22:21,980
Don't say I didn't warn you!

391
00:22:21,980 --> 00:22:24,940
Oh, brave choice.

392
00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:34,220
HE SINGS A DISCORD

393
00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:40,220
THEY SCREAM

394
00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:14,380
That wasn't too bad, actually.

395
00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:25,980
SAT-NAV: 'In 400 metres, bear right.

396
00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:31,860
'I wouldn't go left at the next lights,
it's like a bloody shantytown.

397
00:23:31,860 --> 00:23:37,260
'They're only kids playing football,
but you wouldn't want to break down.

398
00:23:37,260 --> 00:23:39,380
'You wonder where the parents are.

399
00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:43,860
'Take the next right into Birch Row.'

400
00:23:43,860 --> 00:23:45,716
Right, item nine, new army boots.

401
00:23:45,741 --> 00:23:48,500
Major Llewelyn-Brown, over to you.
Thank you, sir.

402
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:52,220
Well, as you're all aware,
we've recently taken delivery

403
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,820
of a new prototype
of British Army boot.

404
00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:58,540
However, there are a number of issues
which have not been addressed.

405
00:23:58,540 --> 00:24:00,100
The leather doesn't breathe.

406
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,260
They're lace-up
which is time-consuming.

407
00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:04,500
And the soles are rigid.

408
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:07,708
We're discovering they're far
from ideal for desert warfare.

409
00:24:07,733 --> 00:24:09,180
OK. So what do you suggest?

410
00:24:09,180 --> 00:24:10,555
Well, I'm not a designer,

411
00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:14,460
but the Americans and Australians
in Iraq are using a boot like this.

412
00:24:14,460 --> 00:24:19,020
It's made from Gore-Tex with a synthetic
sole, and Velcro straps instead of laces.

413
00:24:19,020 --> 00:24:22,500
Interesting. Well, James,
you designed the new boot.

414
00:24:22,500 --> 00:24:25,620
What do you have to say?
Oh, fine. Do what you like.

415
00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:27,340
Sorry?

416
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:31,300
If you want to look like every other army
in Iraq, fine, I'll get rid of the laces.

417
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:35,100
It's a lot easier to design boots
with Velcro instead of laces. So, fine.

418
00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,680
Well, there's no slight on you.

419
00:24:36,705 --> 00:24:39,380
There's really no need to
be so defensive. I'm not!

420
00:24:39,380 --> 00:24:41,740
You tell me what you want
and I'll do it.

421
00:24:41,740 --> 00:24:44,100
I'm not a soldier.
I'm just a facilitator.

422
00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:47,380
I'm just here to realise your vision.
I can see what my job is now.

423
00:24:47,380 --> 00:24:50,740
Thank you very much
for making it clear to me.

424
00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:52,591
I'm sorry. It's just that the time

425
00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:55,780
you save by having Velcro
instead of laces could save a life.

426
00:24:55,780 --> 00:25:00,620
Oh, yes, 'cause they're always going on
about killer laces on CNN, aren't they?

427
00:25:00,620 --> 00:25:04,420
Listen, sweetheart. I was given a brief
for a traditional British Army boot.

428
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:07,940
If you're moving the goalposts,
and you want all the bells and whistles,

429
00:25:07,940 --> 00:25:12,100
Velcro, synthetic soles, "Gore-Tex"...
Fine. That's what I'll give you.

430
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:15,180
Well, if you could...?
Oh, I will. I will.

431
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,021
But why stop at Velcro on the boots?

432
00:25:17,046 --> 00:25:19,260
Why don't I put Velcro
all over the uniform?

433
00:25:19,260 --> 00:25:22,900
You know, then they could just whip
their trousers off like a stripper.

434
00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:24,420
Might "save another life".

435
00:25:24,420 --> 00:25:28,860
Look. I've timed our men running
in your boot and the American boot,

436
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:31,380
and in the American boot
they are 20% faster.

437
00:25:31,380 --> 00:25:34,500
Listen, Major Llewelyn-Bowen,
or whatever your name is,

438
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:36,439
I won't tell you how to drive a tank,

439
00:25:36,464 --> 00:25:38,940
you don't tell me how to
design a pair of boots.

440
00:25:38,940 --> 00:25:41,060
Now, look... Gentlemen, please!

441
00:25:41,060 --> 00:25:44,060
I can't stand conflict. Major,
you've made some excellent points,

442
00:25:44,060 --> 00:25:47,940
but James is upset so I think
we'd better just go with these.

443
00:25:51,180 --> 00:25:53,700
We'll just give that
a minute to set hard.

444
00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:58,380
Have you ever thought
of having any cosmetic work done?

445
00:25:58,380 --> 00:26:02,060
Well, uh...

446
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,820
I mean, I don't think you need
anything major doing,

447
00:26:04,820 --> 00:26:06,940
just maybe a bit of whitening.

448
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:10,420
Remove some of that staining.

449
00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:13,860
I'll give you a couple of leaflets,
you can have a look through them.

450
00:26:13,860 --> 00:26:15,820
See what
all the different things do.

451
00:26:19,660 --> 00:26:25,020
OK. Just another tick or two. There
we go, just pop them down there.

452
00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:28,860
Yes, it's funny, isn't it?
All this cosmetic surgery.

453
00:26:28,860 --> 00:26:32,820
I mean, it was only a few years ago
the idea of it was all a bit...

454
00:26:32,820 --> 00:26:38,540
Well, you know, people thought you were
a bit up yourself, didn't they? A bit vain.

455
00:26:38,540 --> 00:26:41,940
But now, you know, there's
the old Botox, the liposuction...

456
00:26:41,940 --> 00:26:42,980
Everyone's at it.

457
00:26:43,980 --> 00:26:46,220
You know Emma? My wife?

458
00:26:46,220 --> 00:26:48,220
She's had some...

459
00:26:48,220 --> 00:26:49,700
Some work done.

460
00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:50,820
Oh, God.... Mmm.

461
00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:57,100
No, you'd never think it. She's got a
lovely figure, kept herself very trim.

462
00:26:57,100 --> 00:26:59,740
Absolutely no complaints
in that department.

463
00:26:59,740 --> 00:27:03,900
No, it was just after our youngest
was born. She decided...

464
00:27:03,900 --> 00:27:07,700
Well, suffice it to say she's always
been quite pronounced down there.

465
00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:10,380
It's actually quite common.

466
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:13,740
The Japanese
call it the "winged butterfly".

467
00:27:13,740 --> 00:27:16,860
They look on it as
some sort of sexual delicacy.

468
00:27:16,860 --> 00:27:19,380
Anyway, she had this work done.

469
00:27:19,380 --> 00:27:21,660
Laser vaginoplasty,
I think they call it.

470
00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:25,660
And I must say, the chap did
an absolutely first-rate job.

471
00:27:25,660 --> 00:27:28,060
Looks like a little pink rose.

472
00:27:31,020 --> 00:27:33,500
I mean,
an unexpected side-effect is

473
00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:37,980
the sex has become
absolutely brilliant.

474
00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:44,220
I mean, it's so taut down there, first time
I thought I'd taken a wrong turning.

475
00:27:48,420 --> 00:27:51,460
OK. That's you all done.
Let's have a rinse.

476
00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:14,780
Item ten.
New Guantanamo Bay jumpsuits.

477
00:28:14,780 --> 00:28:18,580
Right, well... The clementine
is looking a bit tired.

478
00:28:18,580 --> 00:28:20,740
So I thought this season...

479
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:21,780
Ta-da!