RECORD CRACKLES
UPBEAT '70S MUSIC
So that's 1-0 to Arsenal. Thierry Henry has broken the deadlock.
Let's go to Villa Park. Villa should be one up, shouldn't they, Billy Mac?
That's right. Bad miss from the young lad on his debut. Simpson.
Ball comes in, totally unmarked. Four yards out and he clears it over the bar.
He shouldn't miss from that distance. Even you'd have scored from there!
Aye, even I would have got that in and not cleared the bar.
That's right. You usually clear the bar with your singing!
The lad really should have scored.
That's from a man who knows about missing from four yards!
I did actually score over 200 goals in my career.
Yes, you did score 200-plus goals which is one hell of an achievement.
Thank you, David. Think how many you might have scored if you were sober!
OK. Let's go over to Stamford Bridge.
POSH ENGLISH ACCENTS Are you OK?
I think so. Did you hurt your balls and this and that?
Yeah, my balls well ache, bro.
We're in the tree and shit.
Isn't it? Isn't it, though?
Know what I mean? We're up in a tree like birds or squirrels or whatever.
Hectic.
We were supposed to land in a field or whatever with all grass and that.
Blown off course. These are cheap parachutes, man,
like the ones your mum would buy in the market if she was a gypsy.
You'd be taken into care if your mum bought a gay parachute like this.
She'd be put on a register.
Amazing fall, though. I thought I was gonna die. For sho!
I thought I was gonna die. I was thinking, "I'm gonna die"
cos I thought I was gonna die.
Did your life flash before your eyes? Yeah, man, it was well boring.
I stopped watching after eight seconds.
I've got like a short attention span. That's a special need. Worse.
They had to give me a special classroom assistant.
MAN: Hande hoch!
Is he talking to us? He sounds well-vexed.
Hande hoch!
Don't shout, man. My mate's just ached his balls.
He's shooting all bullets at us and stuff.
We might die and shit.
No way, man. That means I've got to watch my life again.
Bummer.
HE SNIGGERS
You said, "Bummer"!
HAPPY FEELY MUSIC
I can! Gotcha!
Penny for your thoughts, sunshine?
Nothing.
You seem a bit down in the dumps.
Down the old rumpty-tumps?
Come on, what's up?
It's that exam I had in English.
I tried really hard for it but still came bottom. Is that it?
Let me tell you something, fella.
The thing is, we're all different.
We all have different abilities.
It just happens that in your class, you're the thickie.
No surprises there. Your Uncle Jim was never the full shilling.
But he still got a job.
Every year when he gets a Christmas card, he can say, "I probably packed that."
What'll happen is all your classmates will get high-flying jobs
and you'll end up scraping by on the minimum wage.
Go on, race you to the swings!
Come on! And it's Paul on the inside! Come on, Paul!
We're on our way. Come on, people, hit me!
Camels humps don't have any water in them. OK.
Martin Offiah plays acoustic guitar.
Hippopotami can run at 40 mph.
No-one goes to the circus any more.
B&Q is open till five on Sundays.
Billy Connolly never writes anything down. Poems don't have to rhyme.
Dolphins were once land mammals. Nobody won the lottery last week. Not now, Declan!
Still 2-0 to Arsenal, of course, at the Emirates Stadium.
Meanwhile, in the lunchtime kick-off, Tottenham lost 1-0 at Liverpool
so they slide down the table.
Someone I've often seen sliding down the table is Billy McNab.
Billy Mac, anything happening at Villa Park?
No. Sadly, nothing much happening at all
except for a terrible tackle by Hughes, slipped his foot in.
Ref didn't spot it but refs never do 'cause they don't know what's going on.
They've never played at professional level so they've no idea.
Bit like yourself, Dave.
Guilty as charged. I am a humble pupil in the presence of teachers...
Bells, Glenfiddich and all your other bottles!
I've seen you play and you run like a girl.
You've seen a few girls running in your time!
Usually to go and fetch a policeman!
Luton have equalised against QPR. Thorpe the scorer there. Ohh!
A cry goes up from Billy Mac. Talk us through it.
It's another bad miss from the lad Simpson.
He's on a really lean spell now. Just the one goal in 12 games.
I think it's one in 13, yeah. Sorry. I've never had much call for maths.
That's not what I've heard. Eh?
Sorry! I thought you said meths!
Let's go over to Stamford Bridge.
Back in college, I was in a band.
It looked promising for a bit, but we all just drifted away from it.
Then I did stand-up for a bit. And that never really happened.
Then I started writing this novel.
But I stopped for a while and then when I went back to look at it
I just thought, "Nah!"
So that's when I decided to become a teacher.
'If your ambitions haven't quite come off, remember,
'there's always teaching.'
You, a fork appears in the road ahead of you.
On the one side is peace, prosperity and happiness.
But on the other hangs a dark cloud of doom.
Death, torture and pain.
Which path you choose is up to you.
Only be aware it is a motley crew that flies in cloud.
This autumn.
So, what do you think of Julie?
She's nice. Really nice.
Bit intense, maybe.
Oh, that all looks fine.
Excuse me.
Sorry, bit of a rough night.
We've got this little ginger cat. She's on heat at the moment.
Sat up on the garage roof all night keening.
I have to stroke her to calm her down sometimes.
She's very receptive to my touch.
Very sexual animals, aren't they, cats? Aghh.
Yes, I've always had a way with animals.
Yes.
I remember once...
...on my uncle's farm.
It was mainly arable but he had a few pigs, chickens, ducks.
Cute little ducklings.
And a great big brood mare.
One particular afternoon,
he brought this stallion in to cover the mare.
We'd paraded a couple of fillies in front of old Neddie to get him in the mood,
but nothing doing.
So old muggins here gets given the big rubber gloves
and sent off to lend a hand.
I'll tell you now,
it was never gonna take only one hand.
Even through thick gloves,
you can just feel the sheer weight and yes, power of it.
I was absolutely gobsmacked.
A couple of times.
Bloody great thing wanging around all over the shop.
In the excitement of it all I must have squeezed a bit too tightly
'cause suddenly old Dobbin's popping his cork.
Like a fire hose.
Me clinging on for dear life.
Must have looked like Red Adair.
Is that spinach? Eugh, God.
Captain Jennings, I am looking forward to succumbing
to the liberty of your roving hands this evening.
And it is with the utmost anticipation
that I am looking forward to flinging you upon my divan
and plundering your most intimate undergarments.
Sorry to disappoint you, Captain Jennings,
but in a quite unforgivable display of amnesia
I appear to have left them in my bedchamber.
Then Luton hit the post with a great effort from Thorpe
but then QPR broke away and nearly scored through Gallen.
So action at both ends here.
Action at both ends sounds like Billy the morning after!
So still 0-0 at Villa Park.
The crowd seem to be getting on Villa's back, Billy.
That's right, Dave. The fans are not happy and they're letting the players know.
There's a lot of booing from all corners especially when Simpson gets the ball.
They're singling him out.
It's not nice to see.
How does a player handle barracking?
Well, it's not easy once the boo boys have picked you out as a scapegoat.
It destroys your confidence. In your distinguished career,
has that happened to you, were you were affected by the "boos"?
What am I saying?
Oh, yes!
I'm a drunk! A pathetic, pitiful drunk, all right.
Many's the time when I've woken up in the gutter somewhere
with my clothes caked in shit and piss and vomit.
But believe you me, your mockery could never equal my own self-disgust.
But we've all got our secrets, haven't we? A dark, rotting core inside us.
You beat your wife.
You're hooked on drugs - oh, sorry - "painkillers".
And you're knobbing that lassie off the nature programme
while your poor wife's away in Northampton with the cancer!
So with ten minutes to go, it looks like Villa may have to settle for the draw.
Let's go over to Stamford Bridge.
New Europe comes online in three hours.
Best keep potatoes in the dark. The local newsagent sells fireworks all year.
Decaffeinated coffee has caffeine in it. Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Liberty X go on tour in three weeks. There's a fox living in your garden.
Stewart Pearce is a trained electrician. Like hell he is!
HAPPY FEELY MUSIC
It's about the house on the cliff top on Bluff Cove.
SPOOKY VOICE: Would you like to see some details? It's just an enquiry.
Five bedrooms, two en-suite, three receptions.
Perhaps the best position on the whole coast.
It looks lovely. Just out of interest, how much?
£3,000.
What? Yes.
£3,000.
Well, I'll write you a cheque now! Absolutely!
Just hold on a sec.
I have to say there is a small problem with this property.
What?
It's an unquiet house. I'm sorry?
It's haunted, sir.
Haunted?!
I don't think so!
Who do I make the cheque out to?
I think you'd be well-advised before you part with any cash
to spend the night in the property.
A night in a haunted house! You up for it, kids?
BOTH: Yeah!
Ooh, isn't is stunning? It's great!
Everything I've ever dreamed of.
Hey...
Kids are in bed. Fancy an early night?
Hope we don't have nightmares!
OWLS HOOT
DISTANT WHISPERING: Light in our darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord.
What was that?
It's just the leaves against the window.
DOOR OPENS Mummy.
Where am I? I'm frightened.
It's OK, Lila. It's the leaves against the window.
Why were you angry with me, Mummy?
THEY ALL SCREAM REPEATEDLY
I damn thee!
COCK CROWS
I've given the kids some Valium. Finton's completely traumatised. He won't speak!
Lila can't stop being sick. I think we should take them to Casualty.
Did you sleep at all? A few minutes after dawn. You?
No. We should get our stuff together and get out as quickly as possible.
Or sooner.
Mind you, £3,000.
I'll give the estate agent a call.
When I put a veto on any more school plays, it was for a reason.
Far too much mediocre pantomime.
A lack of dignity befitting this establishment.
But your proposal has really won me round.
This play is challenging, it's entertaining,
it's within reach of the boys' abilities.
It is not possessed of the coarseness
or ribaldry that has dogged recent enterprises.
No, sir.
You've clearly put a lot of yourselves into it.
A lot of enthusiasm and passion and energy.
It's very impressive.
I shall be following your progress with interest.
Well done. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Keep up the good work.
Away you go.
Kill them.
THEY CHANT: Ug! Ug! Ug!
Ug! Ug! Ug!
Ah, Miss Cardew.
I was hoping to have the pleasure of interviewing you this evening.
Oh, Mr Gosling, I'm afraid I've rather rashly agreed
to receive Captain Jennings this evening.
Captain Jennings?
But why?
Because, Mr Gosling,
according to Lady Derbyshire,
he is endowed with a sword as elegantly formed as it is epically proportioned
and ought to leave me walking like an orphan with rickets.
I left college and did apply for lots of jobs but never seemed to get them.
I'd occasionally get a second interview, but never the actual...
Then I just sort of gave up. Went back to live with my parents, got very depressed.
Couple of years going in and out of hospitals.
And then one day I woke up and thought, "Well, why not...
"...become a teacher?"
'Good enough to get a degree, but not good enough to get a job?
'Be a teacher.'
Drew, darling, there's a lot of people here. Give me a hand.
Yes, Miranda, dearest, I'm putting up some posters.
Of course, my love, it's just getting busy.
I see it is, Miranda, dear, which is why
I'm putting them up so we'll have more space.
Quick as you can, dear. If we weren't having this conversation, I'd have done it!
Can I get this heated, please?
It's a pantry lunch, so you don't need to heat it up.
You? I think he was first. Do you want anything or don't you?
Just a medium quinoa salad, please. It's pronounced "quinois".
Drew, my darling...They're on the wall now, so you needn't worry.
I've moved on from those a long time ago, darling. Where are the tongs?
The tongs? I haven't seen the tongs all day. Where did you last have them?
That might be them, hanging on your pinny.
There they are, on my pinny.
I thought I might have left them in the microwave like you did yesterday.
No, check the oven before we put anything in there.
Like the scorpions in your boots in Kenya. So your oven's broken, you're saying?
No need to raise your voice! Is he raising his voice? I wasn't!
I get 20 minutes for lunch and half that is waiting here!
You need to calm down. For God's sake! It's kicking off!
What about this place, then?
"Dandylions". This looks nice.
Lance! Holly!
Sorry. Thought I'd get my camcorder for camera club tonight.
Right. Not feeling well? No, not really.
Something's going round. Peter called in sick today.
A-choo!
What was that? I didn't hear anything!
A sneeze from under the duvet!
Hello, Rog!
Peter, I thought you were ill! I am!
Why are you in bed with Holly? I've come for some medicine.
You live next to the chemist's!
They were shut. I thought they were 24 hours? So did I, lying bastards!
Anyway, I came round, had a funny turn and Holly kindly insisted I lie down.
That's kind, Holly. Thank you, Rog. I told Peter to keep warm.
Which is why I took all my clothes off.
To keep warm? You're right. It's not working. I'll put them back on.
Look, there's the camcorder. I'll show the camera club our brass-rubbing trip.
Can I have that for a second, Rog?
Whatever for, Holly? I'd like the film inside.
But it's the brass-rubbing film. Look!
SOUNDS OF SEXUAL ECSTASY
Roger, I need to tell you something. Yeah?
Your camcorder was stolen this morning. What?!
By a couple of porn stars.
But that's you and Holly on there. No, it's lookalike porn stars.
Lookalike porn stars?
I didn't want to tell you 'cause it sounds so unbelievable,
but I'm being blackmailed by a pair of lookalike porn stars.
Blackmailed?
They make my life hell. Frankly, Peter, all this sounds incredible!
What are you saying? That I'm having sex with your wife in your bed
and recording it on your camcorder?
Get well soon, you two!
It looks like the weather will hold, so someone's said their prayers!
Thanks for everything, Steve, you've been fantastic. A pleasure.
David, be here at quarter to tomorrow, before the guests arrive.
Kathryn, don't keep us waiting too long! OK!
Some brides keep a churchful waiting for an hour. Really?
Anyway, try and get an early night if you can. Big day tomorrow. God bless.
Bye!
Kill them!
Next time I must take you to the interior
so that you can see more of our beautiful country.
Next time I see you, perhaps it will be in our beautiful country.
Thank you so much. Prime Minister!
In your honour, the traditional farewell ceremony!
Outstanding. Outstanding.
Thank you so much.
BRASS BAND STARTS UP
A personal favourite.
I feel truly honoured. Thank you. Ready...
Aim!
Fire!
Positions!
MAN SPEAKS IN AFRICAN LANGUAGE
Er... Thank you so much.
This has been truly a privilege. I am moved to my core.
Farewell. God's speed. Yes, indeed.
DRUMS START UP
Welcome aboard, Prime Minister.
This is a 50-minute hop to Kinshasa,
where we meet our connecting flight to Brize Norton.
There are some schedules for you... Oh, Christ!
Is there a problem, Prime Minister?
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Something wrong?
I left my bloody wife in Mogadishu!
Right.
At the hotel. I was supposed to pick her up from the hotel.
Do you want to go back and get her?
Um...
It's just that Mogadishu's a bit volatile, at the top of the world blacklist.
"Most dangerous place on the planet".
Um...
I think we'll just leave it. OK.
Seated behind me at the piano is the inimitable Teddy Fyffe,
fellow of the Royal College of Organists, cat breeder, scourge of the greenfly
and distiller of the rudest poteen this side of Bally James Duff.
A tincture of that and the world's a very different place.
It's like Croydon in May!
Nantwich in her vernal hues.
So, by a process of elimination, that must make me Donald Brabbins.
It is our greatest pleasure to be here, is it not, Fyffe? Indubitably.
We've been on an educative tour of the United States.
We saw in New Year in New York and the summer in "Alabummer".
I'm not sure if the education was entirely ours or theirs
but they were most kind to us.
It's terribly nice to be back. Fyffe has missed his kitchen garden.
He hates to be away during the growing season.
It's the thought of it all going to waste.
He's very partial to a lady's finger.
But if there's a lady attached to it, he'd prefer to deal with it by post!
Now, this next song is all about the challenges of attempt.
Need I say more than that, Fyffe? I think you'd better not!
Then mum's the word.
# Some girls are charmed by prose
# Or flowers by the bunch
# Others prefer a single rose
# And a nice expensive lunch
# But some you'll find just decline
# Your suit, howe'er it's carried
# But I have a trick that works time after time
# I'll never have another thrust parried
# Ro, Ro, Rohypnol
# I'll take you way upstream
# You only need one sip-nol
# The rest of the night is a dream
# All trials and tribulations
# Left bobbing in our wake
# It'll be such a romantic idyll
♪ That you'll wish you were awake! ♪
OK. Thank you, studio. Thank you, cameras. Waiting on a clear.
Yep, that's clear. And that's clear.
Great show, everybody. Thanks a lot, boys. Lovely.
Thanks, Dominic. Brilliant.
Here's to the second series. Cheers, all.
Yep. Yep. Here's to the second series. See you all at the party, OK?
Thanks. Cheers. Well done.