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RECORD CRACKLES

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UPBEAT '70S MUSIC

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So that's 1-0 to Arsenal.
Thierry Henry has broken the deadlock.

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Let's go to Villa Park. Villa should be
one up, shouldn't they, Billy Mac?

5
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That's right. Bad miss from the
young lad on his debut. Simpson.

6
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Ball comes in, totally unmarked. Four
yards out and he clears it over the bar.

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He shouldn't miss from that distance.
Even you'd have scored from there!

8
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Aye, even I would have got
that in and not cleared the bar.

9
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That's right. You usually clear
the bar with your singing!

10
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The lad really should have scored.

11
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That's from a man who knows
about missing from four yards!

12
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,800
I did actually score over
200 goals in my career.

13
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Yes, you did score 200-plus goals
which is one hell of an achievement.

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Thank you, David. Think how many you
might have scored if you were sober!

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OK. Let's go over to Stamford Bridge.

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POSH ENGLISH ACCENTS Are you OK?

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I think so. Did you hurt
your balls and this and that?

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Yeah, my balls well ache, bro.

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We're in the tree and shit.

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Isn't it? Isn't it, though?

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Know what I mean? We're up in a tree
like birds or squirrels or whatever.

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Hectic.

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We were supposed to land in a field
or whatever with all grass and that.

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Blown off course.
These are cheap parachutes, man,

25
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like the ones your mum would buy
in the market if she was a gypsy.

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You'd be taken into care if your mum
bought a gay parachute like this.

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She'd be put on a register.

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Amazing fall, though. I thought
I was gonna die. For sho!

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I thought I was gonna die.
I was thinking, "I'm gonna die"

30
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cos I thought I was gonna die.

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Did your life flash before your eyes?
Yeah, man, it was well boring.

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I stopped watching after eight seconds.

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I've got like a short attention span.
That's a special need. Worse.

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They had to give me
a special classroom assistant.

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MAN: Hande hoch!

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Is he talking to us? He sounds well-vexed.

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Hande hoch!

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Don't shout, man.
My mate's just ached his balls.

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He's shooting all bullets at us and stuff.

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We might die and shit.

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No way, man. That means
I've got to watch my life again.

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Bummer.

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HE SNIGGERS

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You said, "Bummer"!

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HAPPY FEELY MUSIC

46
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I can! Gotcha!

47
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Penny for your thoughts, sunshine?

48
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Nothing.

49
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,280
You seem a bit down in the dumps.

50
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Down the old rumpty-tumps?

51
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Come on, what's up?

52
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It's that exam I had in English.

53
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I tried really hard for it
but still came bottom. Is that it?

54
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,040
Let me tell you something, fella.

55
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The thing is, we're all different.

56
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We all have different abilities.

57
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It just happens that in your class,
you're the thickie.

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No surprises there.
Your Uncle Jim was never the full shilling.

59
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But he still got a job.

60
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Every year when he gets a Christmas card,
he can say, "I probably packed that."

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00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:57,640
What'll happen is all your classmates
will get high-flying jobs

62
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and you'll end up scraping by
on the minimum wage.

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Go on, race you to the swings!

64
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:08,880
Come on! And it's Paul
on the inside! Come on, Paul!

65
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We're on our way. Come on, people, hit me!

66
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,080
Camels humps don't have
any water in them. OK.

67
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Martin Offiah plays acoustic guitar.

68
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Hippopotami can run at 40 mph.

69
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,200
No-one goes to the circus any more.

70
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,040
B&Q is open till five on Sundays.

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00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,080
Billy Connolly never writes anything down.
Poems don't have to rhyme.

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Dolphins were once land mammals. Nobody
won the lottery last week. Not now, Declan!

73
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,800
Still 2-0 to Arsenal, of course,
at the Emirates Stadium.

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Meanwhile, in the lunchtime kick-off,
Tottenham lost 1-0 at Liverpool

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00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,811
so they slide down the table.

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00:04:43,836 --> 00:04:47,744
Someone I've often seen sliding
down the table is Billy McNab.

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Billy Mac, anything
happening at Villa Park?

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No. Sadly, nothing much happening at all

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except for a terrible tackle
by Hughes, slipped his foot in.

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Ref didn't spot it but refs never do
'cause they don't know what's going on.

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They've never played at professional
level so they've no idea.

82
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Bit like yourself, Dave.

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Guilty as charged. I am a humble pupil
in the presence of teachers...

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Bells, Glenfiddich and
all your other bottles!

85
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I've seen you play and you run like a girl.

86
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You've seen a few girls
running in your time!

87
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Usually to go and fetch a policeman!

88
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Luton have equalised against QPR.
Thorpe the scorer there. Ohh!

89
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,520
A cry goes up from Billy Mac.
Talk us through it.

90
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,000
It's another bad miss from the lad Simpson.

91
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,600
He's on a really lean spell now.
Just the one goal in 12 games.

92
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I think it's one in 13, yeah. Sorry.
I've never had much call for maths.

93
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That's not what I've heard. Eh?

94
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,400
Sorry! I thought you said meths!

95
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,920
Let's go over to Stamford Bridge.

96
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,360
Back in college, I was in a band.

97
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It looked promising for a bit,
but we all just drifted away from it.

98
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Then I did stand-up for a bit.
And that never really happened.

99
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,520
Then I started writing this novel.

100
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:18,080
But I stopped for a while and then
when I went back to look at it

101
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I just thought, "Nah!"

102
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So that's when I decided
to become a teacher.

103
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'If your ambitions haven't
quite come off, remember,

104
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'there's always teaching.'

105
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You, a fork appears
in the road ahead of you.

106
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:41,760
On the one side is peace,
prosperity and happiness.

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But on the other hangs
a dark cloud of doom.

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Death, torture and pain.

109
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Which path you choose is up to you.

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Only be aware it is a motley
crew that flies in cloud.

111
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:57,920
This autumn.

112
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,720
So, what do you think of Julie?

113
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,160
She's nice. Really nice.

114
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Bit intense, maybe.

115
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Oh, that all looks fine.

116
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,640
Excuse me.

117
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,680
Sorry, bit of a rough night.

118
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We've got this little ginger cat.
She's on heat at the moment.

119
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Sat up on the garage roof
all night keening.

120
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I have to stroke her to calm
her down sometimes.

121
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,400
She's very receptive to my touch.

122
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,560
Very sexual animals,
aren't they, cats? Aghh.

123
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,640
Yes, I've always had a way with animals.

124
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:50,960
Yes.

125
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I remember once...

126
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,200
...on my uncle's farm.

127
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It was mainly arable but he had
a few pigs, chickens, ducks.

128
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Cute little ducklings.

129
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And a great big brood mare.

130
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One particular afternoon,

131
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he brought this stallion
in to cover the mare.

132
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,480
We'd paraded a couple of fillies in front
of old Neddie to get him in the mood,

133
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but nothing doing.

134
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:23,120
So old muggins here gets
given the big rubber gloves

135
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and sent off to lend a hand.

136
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,040
I'll tell you now,

137
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it was never gonna take only one hand.

138
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,320
Even through thick gloves,

139
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:37,640
you can just feel the sheer
weight and yes, power of it.

140
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,000
I was absolutely gobsmacked.

141
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,600
A couple of times.

142
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Bloody great thing wanging
around all over the shop.

143
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:50,080
In the excitement of it all I must
have squeezed a bit too tightly

144
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,760
'cause suddenly old Dobbin's
popping his cork.

145
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,360
Like a fire hose.

146
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,400
Me clinging on for dear life.

147
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,800
Must have looked like Red Adair.

148
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,840
Is that spinach? Eugh, God.

149
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,723
Captain Jennings, I am looking
forward to succumbing

150
00:09:13,748 --> 00:09:16,480
to the liberty of your
roving hands this evening.

151
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,640
And it is with the utmost anticipation

152
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,680
that I am looking forward to
flinging you upon my divan

153
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,680
and plundering your most
intimate undergarments.

154
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,200
Sorry to disappoint you, Captain Jennings,

155
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,000
but in a quite unforgivable
display of amnesia

156
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,160
I appear to have left
them in my bedchamber.

157
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:42,640
Then Luton hit the post
with a great effort from Thorpe

158
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,360
but then QPR broke away
and nearly scored through Gallen.

159
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,440
So action at both ends here.

160
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,440
Action at both ends sounds
like Billy the morning after!

161
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,040
So still 0-0 at Villa Park.

162
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,000
The crowd seem to be
getting on Villa's back, Billy.

163
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,800
That's right, Dave. The fans are not happy
and they're letting the players know.

164
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:10,240
There's a lot of booing from all corners
especially when Simpson gets the ball.

165
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,760
They're singling him out.

166
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,280
It's not nice to see.

167
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,600
How does a player handle barracking?

168
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:20,280
Well, it's not easy once the boo boys
have picked you out as a scapegoat.

169
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,960
It destroys your confidence.
In your distinguished career,

170
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:28,560
has that happened to you,
were you were affected by the "boos"?

171
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,760
What am I saying?

172
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,080
Oh, yes!

173
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:43,400
I'm a drunk! A pathetic,
pitiful drunk, all right.

174
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:47,920
Many's the time when I've woken up
in the gutter somewhere

175
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:53,040
with my clothes caked in
shit and piss and vomit.

176
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:58,600
But believe you me, your mockery
could never equal my own self-disgust.

177
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:05,800
But we've all got our secrets, haven't we?
A dark, rotting core inside us.

178
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,640
You beat your wife.

179
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,320
You're hooked on drugs
- oh, sorry - "painkillers".

180
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,560
And you're knobbing that lassie
off the nature programme

181
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:18,760
while your poor wife's away
in Northampton with the cancer!

182
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:30,600
So with ten minutes to go, it looks like
Villa may have to settle for the draw.

183
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,600
Let's go over to Stamford Bridge.

184
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,360
New Europe comes online in three hours.

185
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:43,600
Best keep potatoes in the dark. The
local newsagent sells fireworks all year.

186
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:48,440
Decaffeinated coffee has caffeine in it.
Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

187
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,160
Liberty X go on tour in three weeks.
There's a fox living in your garden.

188
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,440
Stewart Pearce is a trained electrician.
Like hell he is!

189
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,000
HAPPY FEELY MUSIC

190
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,000
It's about the house on
the cliff top on Bluff Cove.

191
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,800
SPOOKY VOICE: Would you like to see
some details? It's just an enquiry.

192
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,600
Five bedrooms, two en-suite,
three receptions.

193
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,640
Perhaps the best position
on the whole coast.

194
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,480
It looks lovely. Just out
of interest, how much?

195
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,160
£3,000.

196
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,000
What?
Yes.

197
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,000
£3,000.

198
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,600
Well, I'll write you a cheque now!
Absolutely!

199
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,160
Just hold on a sec.

200
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,520
I have to say there is a small
problem with this property.

201
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,120
What?

202
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,640
It's an unquiet house.
I'm sorry?

203
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,720
It's haunted, sir.

204
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:48,560
Haunted?!

205
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,200
I don't think so!

206
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,200
Who do I make the cheque out to?

207
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,711
I think you'd be well-advised
before you part with any cash

208
00:12:55,736 --> 00:12:57,760
to spend the night
in the property.

209
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,440
A night in a haunted house!
You up for it, kids?

210
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,040
BOTH: Yeah!

211
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,920
Ooh, isn't is stunning?
It's great!

212
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,200
Everything I've ever dreamed of.

213
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,800
Hey...

214
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,880
Kids are in bed. Fancy an early night?

215
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,960
Hope we don't have nightmares!

216
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,320
OWLS HOOT

217
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,880
DISTANT WHISPERING: Light in our
darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord.

218
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,200
What was that?

219
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,160
It's just the leaves against the window.

220
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,560
DOOR OPENS Mummy.

221
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,800
Where am I? I'm frightened.

222
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,000
It's OK, Lila.
It's the leaves against the window.

223
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,760
Why were you angry with me, Mummy?

224
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:59,360
THEY ALL SCREAM REPEATEDLY

225
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,400
I damn thee!

226
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,720
COCK CROWS

227
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:33,360
I've given the kids some Valium. Finton's
completely traumatised. He won't speak!

228
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:37,160
Lila can't stop being sick. I think
we should take them to Casualty.

229
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,280
Did you sleep at all?
A few minutes after dawn. You?

230
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,840
No. We should get our stuff together
and get out as quickly as possible.

231
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,320
Or sooner.

232
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,120
Mind you, £3,000.

233
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,360
I'll give the estate agent a call.

234
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:06,120
When I put a veto on any more
school plays, it was for a reason.

235
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:10,200
Far too much mediocre pantomime.

236
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:15,480
A lack of dignity befitting
this establishment.

237
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,680
But your proposal has really won me round.

238
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,286
This play is challenging,
it's entertaining,

239
00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,680
it's within reach of
the boys' abilities.

240
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,087
It is not possessed
of the coarseness

241
00:15:26,112 --> 00:15:29,000
or ribaldry that has
dogged recent enterprises.

242
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,120
No, sir.

243
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,270
You've clearly put a lot
of yourselves into it.

244
00:15:33,295 --> 00:15:36,120
A lot of enthusiasm and
passion and energy.

245
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,120
It's very impressive.

246
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,240
I shall be following
your progress with interest.

247
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:45,000
Well done. Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir. Keep up the good work.

248
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,560
Away you go.

249
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,400
Kill them.

250
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,480
THEY CHANT: Ug! Ug! Ug!

251
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,400
Ug! Ug! Ug!

252
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,280
Ah, Miss Cardew.

253
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:40,080
I was hoping to have the pleasure
of interviewing you this evening.

254
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,040
Oh, Mr Gosling, I'm afraid
I've rather rashly agreed

255
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,480
to receive Captain Jennings this evening.

256
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,200
Captain Jennings?

257
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,800
But why?

258
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,840
Because, Mr Gosling,

259
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,680
according to Lady Derbyshire,

260
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,400
he is endowed with a sword as elegantly
formed as it is epically proportioned

261
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,680
and ought to leave me walking
like an orphan with rickets.

262
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:08,000
I left college and did apply for lots
of jobs but never seemed to get them.

263
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,720
I'd occasionally get a second
interview, but never the actual...

264
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:19,640
Then I just sort of gave up. Went back to
live with my parents, got very depressed.

265
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,240
Couple of years going
in and out of hospitals.

266
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:26,360
And then one day I woke up
and thought, "Well, why not...

267
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,080
"...become a teacher?"

268
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,440
'Good enough to get a degree,
but not good enough to get a job?

269
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,040
'Be a teacher.'

270
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,240
Drew, darling, there's a lot of
people here. Give me a hand.

271
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,520
Yes, Miranda, dearest,
I'm putting up some posters.

272
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,320
Of course, my love, it's just getting busy.

273
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,594
I see it is, Miranda,
dear, which is why

274
00:18:49,619 --> 00:18:52,040
I'm putting them up
so we'll have more space.

275
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:56,400
Quick as you can, dear. If we weren't
having this conversation, I'd have done it!

276
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,388
Can I get this heated, please?

277
00:18:58,413 --> 00:19:01,960
It's a pantry lunch, so you
don't need to heat it up.

278
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:06,680
You? I think he was first.
Do you want anything or don't you?

279
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,240
Just a medium quinoa salad, please.
It's pronounced "quinois".

280
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:15,200
Drew, my darling...They're on
the wall now, so you needn't worry.

281
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,480
I've moved on from those a long time
ago, darling. Where are the tongs?

282
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:24,720
The tongs? I haven't seen the tongs
all day. Where did you last have them?

283
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,200
That might be them, hanging on your pinny.

284
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,480
There they are, on my pinny.

285
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,480
I thought I might have left them in
the microwave like you did yesterday.

286
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,560
No, check the oven before
we put anything in there.

287
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:42,800
Like the scorpions in your boots in Kenya.
So your oven's broken, you're saying?

288
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,640
No need to raise your voice!
Is he raising his voice? I wasn't!

289
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,840
I get 20 minutes for lunch
and half that is waiting here!

290
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:53,240
You need to calm down.
For God's sake! It's kicking off!

291
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,600
What about this place, then?

292
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,120
"Dandylions". This looks nice.

293
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,320
Lance! Holly!

294
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,720
Sorry. Thought I'd get my camcorder
for camera club tonight.

295
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,240
Right. Not feeling well? No, not really.

296
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,280
Something's going round.
Peter called in sick today.

297
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,120
A-choo!

298
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,720
What was that? I didn't hear anything!

299
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,640
A sneeze from under the duvet!

300
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,440
Hello, Rog!

301
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,560
Peter, I thought you were ill!
I am!

302
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:43,730
Why are you in bed with Holly?
I've come for some medicine.

303
00:20:43,755 --> 00:20:45,400
You live next to the chemist's!

304
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:49,720
They were shut. I thought they were
24 hours? So did I, lying bastards!

305
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,160
Anyway, I came round, had a funny
turn and Holly kindly insisted I lie down.

306
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,120
That's kind, Holly. Thank you, Rog.
I told Peter to keep warm.

307
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,080
Which is why I took all my clothes off.

308
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:05,200
To keep warm? You're right.
It's not working. I'll put them back on.

309
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:10,360
Look, there's the camcorder. I'll show
the camera club our brass-rubbing trip.

310
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,600
Can I have that for a second, Rog?

311
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,560
Whatever for, Holly?
I'd like the film inside.

312
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,120
But it's the brass-rubbing film. Look!

313
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,400
SOUNDS OF SEXUAL ECSTASY

314
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,080
Roger, I need to tell you something. Yeah?

315
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,160
Your camcorder was stolen
this morning. What?!

316
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,920
By a couple of porn stars.

317
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:44,000
But that's you and Holly on there.
No, it's lookalike porn stars.

318
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,400
Lookalike porn stars?

319
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,520
I didn't want to tell you
'cause it sounds so unbelievable,

320
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,200
but I'm being blackmailed
by a pair of lookalike porn stars.

321
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,680
Blackmailed?

322
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:58,440
They make my life hell. Frankly,
Peter, all this sounds incredible!

323
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:02,080
What are you saying? That I'm having
sex with your wife in your bed

324
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,320
and recording it on your camcorder?

325
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,840
Get well soon, you two!

326
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:22,680
It looks like the weather will hold,
so someone's said their prayers!

327
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,480
Thanks for everything, Steve,
you've been fantastic. A pleasure.

328
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:31,120
David, be here at quarter to tomorrow,
before the guests arrive.

329
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,320
Kathryn, don't keep us waiting too long!
OK!

330
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:38,040
Some brides keep a churchful
waiting for an hour. Really?

331
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:42,840
Anyway, try and get an early night if
you can. Big day tomorrow. God bless.

332
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,040
Bye!

333
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,040
Kill them!

334
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,640
Next time I must take you to the interior

335
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:00,760
so that you can see more
of our beautiful country.

336
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,480
Next time I see you, perhaps it
will be in our beautiful country.

337
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,160
Thank you so much.
Prime Minister!

338
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:13,320
In your honour,
the traditional farewell ceremony!

339
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,760
Outstanding. Outstanding.

340
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,120
Thank you so much.

341
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:36,080
BRASS BAND STARTS UP

342
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:57,680
A personal favourite.

343
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,120
I feel truly honoured. Thank you. Ready...

344
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,520
Aim!

345
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,160
Fire!

346
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,040
Positions!

347
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,640
MAN SPEAKS IN AFRICAN LANGUAGE

348
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,800
Er... Thank you so much.

349
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:28,360
This has been truly a privilege.
I am moved to my core.

350
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,880
Farewell. God's speed.
Yes, indeed.

351
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,480
DRUMS START UP

352
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,680
Welcome aboard, Prime Minister.

353
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,940
This is a 50-minute hop to Kinshasa,

354
00:24:46,965 --> 00:24:50,120
where we meet our connecting
flight to Brize Norton.

355
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,240
There are some schedules for you...
Oh, Christ!

356
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,440
Is there a problem, Prime Minister?

357
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:56,840
Shit!

358
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,240
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

359
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,400
Something wrong?

360
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,120
I left my bloody wife in Mogadishu!

361
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,440
Right.

362
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,920
At the hotel. I was supposed
to pick her up from the hotel.

363
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,640
Do you want to go back and get her?

364
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,160
Um...

365
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:21,640
It's just that Mogadishu's a bit volatile,
at the top of the world blacklist.

366
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,160
"Most dangerous place on the planet".

367
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:33,760
Um...

368
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,240
I think we'll just leave it.
OK.

369
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,400
Seated behind me at the piano
is the inimitable Teddy Fyffe,

370
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:48,977
fellow of the Royal College of Organists,
cat breeder, scourge of the greenfly

371
00:25:49,002 --> 00:25:52,744
and distiller of the rudest poteen
this side of Bally James Duff.

372
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:59,280
A tincture of that and the world's
a very different place.

373
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,360
It's like Croydon in May!

374
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,880
Nantwich in her vernal hues.

375
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,160
So, by a process of elimination,
that must make me Donald Brabbins.

376
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:14,240
It is our greatest pleasure to be here,
is it not, Fyffe? Indubitably.

377
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,329
We've been on an educative
tour of the United States.

378
00:26:17,354 --> 00:26:21,240
We saw in New Year in New York
and the summer in "Alabummer".

379
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,680
I'm not sure if the education
was entirely ours or theirs

380
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,200
but they were most kind to us.

381
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:32,600
It's terribly nice to be back.
Fyffe has missed his kitchen garden.

382
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,200
He hates to be away
during the growing season.

383
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,960
It's the thought of it all going to waste.

384
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,400
He's very partial to a lady's finger.

385
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:45,400
But if there's a lady attached to it,
he'd prefer to deal with it by post!

386
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:50,240
Now, this next song is all about
the challenges of attempt.

387
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,600
Need I say more than that, Fyffe?
I think you'd better not!

388
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,560
Then mum's the word.

389
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:02,320
# Some girls are charmed by prose

390
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,800
# Or flowers by the bunch

391
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,480
# Others prefer a single rose

392
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,680
# And a nice expensive lunch

393
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:17,000
# But some you'll find just decline

394
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,920
# Your suit, howe'er it's carried

395
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,800
# But I have a trick
that works time after time

396
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,360
# I'll never have another thrust parried

397
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,920
# Ro, Ro, Rohypnol

398
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,200
# I'll take you way upstream

399
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,120
# You only need one sip-nol

400
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,800
# The rest of the night is a dream

401
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:44,600
# All trials and tribulations

402
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,880
# Left bobbing in our wake

403
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,640
# It'll be such a romantic idyll

404
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,480
♪ That you'll wish you were awake! ♪

405
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:21,400
OK. Thank you, studio.
Thank you, cameras. Waiting on a clear.

406
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,760
Yep, that's clear.
And that's clear.

407
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,760
Great show, everybody.
Thanks a lot, boys. Lovely.

408
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:28,600
Thanks, Dominic.
Brilliant.

409
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,200
Here's to the second series. Cheers, all.

410
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:35,360
Yep. Yep. Here's to the second series.
See you all at the party, OK?

411
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,000
Thanks.
Cheers. Well done.