STATIC CRACKLES
LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS
So I'm off to New York for three days on Wednesday,
back Sunday, then straight on to Zurich,
meetings all day Monday,
then Tuesday...no, Monday night, fly to Brussels,
then on to Dusseldorf Wednesday morning.
Wow! Busy schedule. What do you do?
Then home again for two days, then back to bloody New York again.
What do you do for a living?
(I don't know.)
You must know what job you do.
No, I have literally no idea.
I travel all over the place
and have meetings with other men who look very like me,
and we josh about golf handicaps and, you know, the wives' breasts,
but I really don't know why.
See that? Christ alone knows what that's all about.
You must have some idea what you do. What's your company called?
PHP Residual Solutions.
It's not much of a clue, is it?
Um, well, let's narrow it down. You're obviously not a fireman.
No, and I'm not a baker, otherwise I'd have...
BOTH: One of those hats.
I'm not a supermodel, I'm not Prime Minister,
I'm not an astronaut, shepherd, priest, chocolatier,
life coach, bullfighter.
I'm not a special-needs classroom assistant
and I'm pretty sure I'm not the secretary
of a Scottish country-dance society.
Oh, maybe you work for one of those companies
that coats things in plastic.
They take metal things and they coat them in plastic.
Yeah.
Yeah, could be.
Yeah, let's say that. Sounds plausible. Great. What do you do?
I work for a company that coats metal things in plastic.
That's what made me think of it.
Paul, you old bastard! I didn't know you were on this flight. How's work?
- It's great. - Not interfering with your golf, I hope.
Oh, no, still swinging away like the wife's knockers.
After two days of, frankly, not very much happening,
Dr Richard has discovered something in the north trench.
I'm just off to speak to him now.
Dr Richard, I've just been told
you've made a startling discovery.
Yes. Archaeology's BLEEP boring.
You have both been found guilty by court martial
of cowardice, desertion
and disobedience in the face of the enemy.
The sentence of the court
is that you are to be executed by firing squad.
God save the King.
Is you saying you's gonna shoot us all up with guns
and this and that and everything else?
That is the sentence of the court.
But we's on your side, man. You're not meant to shoot us up.
You're meant to shoot up other geezers, like the Germans, Italians, isn't it?
Yeah, we never done nothing anyway.
Some other geezer did them things you said. I'm not even lying.
And me and me brethren's innocent
and I swear on my nan's life and she's in a home with a disease and all this.
Do you have any last requests?
Can I sit down, blud? My legs well ache standing up.
- You may not sit down. - Well, then, I'll need my inhaler.
I is asthmatic, I could actually die.
Did you confiscate his inhaler? That's abuse. He could actually die.
- Isn't it? - You're both about to die anyway.
- Squad! - I had this asthma attack once, right?
I couldn't breathe for eight minutes. I had to go hospital.
The geezer gives me steroids what are made from a dead man's balls.
No way. Is they all made from knackers? That's skanky.
- Squad, take aim. - This is so unfair.
I want a community sentence. Being shot might affect me emotionally.
On my command, you will fire.
- All right, Biffy? - All right, Mum?
All right, Biffy's mum?
You been picking on my boy again and his mate and all this
and chatting shit about stuff they never even done?
Madam, remove yourself. You have no right to be here.
Your son and his fellow officer have been found guilty by court martial.
Don't shit me about. You've been after him since day one.
Any little thing and you have a go, like when he bombed Portsmouth.
- It was an accident. - I know it was, love.
I'm taking these boys back home, yeah, for some chips and a saveloy,
and you try and stop me and I'll say you touched their arses.
Stop that this instant.
No way, blud. I is keeping them off war,
cos you is a paedo and I'm not even lying.
- Isn't it? Isn't it, though? - Isn't it?
- No, but isn't it, though? - Harsh.
ELEGANT MUSIC
We're standing in the Rembrandt House Museum
on Jodenbreestraat in Amsterdam
to see an extraordinary piece of art.
This seemingly modest
pen-and-ink drawing by Rembrandt
is, in fact,
one of the most magnificent representations of humanity
ever committed to paper.
Just take a look at some of this quite incredible detail.
The nominal subject is, of course, Christ among the money changers,
but the real matter at hand is the vulnerable nature of humanity.
Look at the fear in the faces
of these merchants -
how they clutch despairingly
at their material wealth.
As a simple pen-and-ink study,
I think this may be without equal.
The level of skill and compassion recorded here
are truly remarkable.
If one had to give it a value,
one could only say
that it is absolutely price...
Come on. Info me, people.
We're more like the Germans than the French.
- Right. - Tea is better for you than water.
Noted.
- IKEA doesn't sell paddling pools. - You're kidding!
- Jim Fairbanks is on hold. - Keep him there till he cries.
Some people are ambivalent about Marmite.
Yep.
Shakespeare couldn't be bothered writing on Thursday.
- You can't beat a good cry. - Amen.
On June 22, it was hotter here than in Ibiza.
- What was I doing? - You had a barbecue.
Yes!
- Ice-T is chilling in his hot tub. - Noted.
People don't know each other's phone numbers any more.
No, they don't.
You're about to fall into a big hole.
What are you talking about, Decla-a-a-a-a...
I did warn him.
Er...careful.
APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to The Critical Factor.
Our contestants tonight are - Michael Thompson,
a consultant civil engineer from Halifax, West Yorkshire.
Hello.
Simon O'Connor, a consultant civil engineer
from Newbury, West Berkshire.
Hello.
Susan Small, a housewife from Winchester, Hampshire.
Hello.
And Christopher Oust, a consultant civil engineer
from Boston, Lincolnshire.
Hi, there.
Steady on there, Christopher.
So, for the next half an hour,
we'll be testing these contestants' wits
with a series of mental and physical challenges.
Tonight is the second-to-last heat of the first play-off heats
in our third group F draw finals.
In 17 weeks' time, we'll know all the 63 finalists
competing to be named The Critical Factor Super Person of the Year
and take away this state-of-the-art plastic trophy.
But that's still 83 weeks away,
so let's start, as we always do, with round one.
The task is to complete the three-dimensional logic puzzle
showing the UK's national grid and regional substations.
Your time starts now.
The clue here is in getting the Horsham 60-megavolt uplink
at the bottom of the map.
Michael has that piece the wrong way round.
Christopher's worked out that no two adjacent colours can be the same,
except for purple and buff.
Simon's just staring at his.
It's beginning to take shape for Susan.
And that's it. Well done. APPLAUSE
And for Michael. APPLAUSE
That's Christopher's puzzle completed.
An excited celebration there.
Simon having real trouble.
Well, there you go. A valiant effort nonetheless.
Let's see what that does to our scoreboard.
Simon, a tough round for you,
and that leaves you in last place with a Critical Factor of two,
but Susan truly mastered that challenge
and into a worthy lead goes the housewife
from Winchester, Hampshire...
GUN SHOT
...with a Critical Factor of ten.
Hmm. You sure we got the time right?
Yeah, well, that's what it says here.
"Trip to Fire Mountain - 6am, hotel reception."
SPLASH
- Oh, someone's in the pool early. - Yeah. Ha!
I can't believe you talked me into going up a volcano.
If I die, I'm gonna come back and haunt you for all eternity.
- And how's that different to now? - Hey!
- Aloha! - Aloha, Jim.
- Hi, Jim. - Taking an early plunge?
After a fashion.
Couldn't wait to strip?
Well, to be quite honest, I did it on a whim.
I jumped in from me balcony.
JIM LAUGHS
Your room's on the fourth floor.
Yeah, I know.
I was up there, you know, thinking about me wedding day
and how it'd been the best day of my life,
right up until the point where I found me wife gobbling the DJ
to Too Shy by Kajagoogoo.
Then I started thinking about them at it, you know,
all the positions - the missionary and the other one.
And then I looked down at the pool and thought,
"Yeah, Pepsi-flippin'-Max! I'll go for it!"
HE LAUGHS Oh, God!
Yeah, yeah, well, you know, I was feeling a bit hot and bothered,
because I'd been up all night working through a few things.
The minibar for one. Hey.
IMITATES DRUM ROLL
HORN HONKS
That'll be the minibus. Better go tell them we're here.
Are you sure you're OK, Jim?
It must be really hard being here like this.
SHE SQUEALS
Jim, what are you doing?!
- Jim! - She was all over me.
I wasn't. I was trying to comfort you.
- I could see you were in pain. - Oh, right. Got it. Nice one.
It was nothing, Phil. She was just giving me comfort.
Which is absolutely not the same thing as relief.
Yes, OK, Jim. Well, just forget about it.
- You're obviously very hurt. - And horny.
You're really not seeing me at my best.
I even thought about phoning an escort agency.
There's one of them in the book - Honolulu Honeys.
- Seen their ad? - I'm on honeymoon.
Gotcha. HORN HONKS
We'd really better go, Phil.
- Are you off somewhere? - We're going to Fire Mountain. I...
I don't know what it'll be like.
It's eight hours in a minibus, for starters.
Fire Mountain. Sounds like a good place to dry off.
You know, and it'll be nice to have a bit of company,
keep me out of harm's way.
I can, um...get a bit down when I'm on me own.
Oh, Jim. You poor thing.
Jim! Jim!
Sorry. Sorry. That one WAS partly me.
Bagsie the back seat.
FILM PROJECTOR WHIRRS
Mum's off to the shops with baby.
To make things easier, she's leaving him outside, alone.
But wait. Is he safe?
Remember, mothers - don't leave a pram unattended in a public place
without applying the brake.
For baby's sake, apply the brake.
My name is Doctor Tia. I live in Botswana, saving lives.
Do you?
The people here have very primitive beliefs.
Most of them would rather see a witchdoctor
than put their lives in the hands of a white devil like me.
SPEAKS MOCK-LOCAL LANGUAGE
That's Mabutwe.
Six months ago,
I performed a life-saving emergency tracheotomy on his wife
in the middle of a bustling marketplace,
in front of a crowd of some 300 people.
It was a gruesome operation,
but without it, I fear her cold could have got much worse.
He was so touched, he gave me three small grains of rice -
the equivalent of a year's salary.
The dignity of these people is truly humbling.
STARTS ENGINE
WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY: Africa.
Honestly, you wouldn't believe some of the dodgy things that Dan's into.
- He's totally twisted. - Yeah, all right.
I admit it - I'm a monster.
Having said that, I have got a thing about your gym socks.
- He has! - I don't know what it is.
My ex was like that. What is it with you guys?
He used to make me keep them on if I'd been running.
Yeah, well, it's a bloke thing. You know, we're all closet perverts.
Yeah, you big weirdos. HE LAUGHS
- I'm a bit weird. - Oh, yeah. Really?
I like bunnies. THEY LAUGH
Here we go. Blokes and bunny girls.
Strippers for ever.
No, I mean, like, actually bunnies. Real rabbits.
I've got about 30 in a hutch in my garden.
There's nothing like the brush of a rabbit's fur on your skin,
the soft tickle of its whiskers,
and the way its coarse tongue gives you goosebumps
every time it licks your nipples.
I like to have two or three rabbits in the bed with me at night,
pressed up against my naked back.
And then I'll hold one of them
really tightly at arm's length above me, you know,
and squeeze it really hard until it shits on me.
That a bit too weird?
Coming into the final leg of the Critical Factor assault course,
and just five seconds between the leading contestants.
But it's Christopher who's gonna get over the line in first place
and pick up ten points.
Susan isn't far behind.
And way back in last place, still making a valiant effort, is Michael.
So, Christopher, was that a tough physical challenge?
It was about average.
Coming down the aerial slide, I thought I was gonna come off,
but I didn't, so that was fine.
- Right. So that bit was OK? - Yeah.
So, which was the toughest part?
Probably coming down the aerial slide.
Ten points to Christopher there,
as we head into the decisive final round.
Where is he, Azlo? Tell me where Sheikh Houlami is. Talk!
You are too late.
His plan is almost at hand,
and soon your land will burn in the eternal fire.
Fine.
- What's that? - Sodium Pentothal. Truth serum.
- You think that scares me? - Maybe not.
But, oh, dear, is that an air bubble I see inside of it?
That was careless of me, wasn't it?
- Those can be lethal. - Wait. Don't do this.
Too late, Azlo.
All right. I'll tell. I'll tell. I'll tell! He's...
# Happy birthday, dear Andrew
# Happy birthday to you! #
Ha-ha! You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?
- Lights, Suzie. - Sir, can we please do this later?
Azlo was just about to tell me Houlami's location!
Here he goes again - work, work, work.
Take a load off, Andrew. It's your birthday. Now, blow the candles out.
- I must complete my interrogation! - Don't forget to make a wish.
HE SIGHS
Er...
APPLAUSE
PARTY BLOWER
- I'd better crack on. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If you think you get off that easily, you've got another think coming.
I'm gonna take the birthday boy and the rest of the gang out
for lunch at PizzaExpress.
Sir, would you please, please listen to me?
We've heard that Houlami's preparing another attack. I must find him!
You know what I always say, Andrew - birthdays should be mirth days, hmm?
If it makes you feel any better,
first thing tomorrow morning, we'll waterboard him. Come on.
MELLOW MUSIC
Oh, dear.
Well, we'd better think about being on our way.
Dad, can't we stay a bit longer?
Your mum said you have people coming round, so we'd better get you back.
Well, what about I go and get us all an ice cream?
Oh, yeah!
- Honey? - Oh, please, Suki.
- I like Suki. - Yeah?
Me, too.
- Dad? - What is it, me old china?
Are you and Suki gonna get married?
Wow! Whoa, that's a big question.
And one that deserves to be treated seriously.
I suppose marriage is kind of like the next step
when you've been together for a while, like we have.
And in order to know if it's the right step,
you have to ask yourself all sorts of other questions -
you know, how would it affect our relationship?
Am I ready to settle down again?
Is she the right one for me to settle down with?
You know, when I think about it like that,
I realise that...
No.
With Suki, it's all about the sex.
I mean, we are at it like rutting stags
every minute you're out of the room,
and a couple of times when you were there.
I mean, don't get me wrong - Suki is brilliant and everything,
and I love that she's fond of you,
and she goes off to get ice creams and what-have-you.
But if I'm honest, Paul,
after some of the things she's done to me in the bedroom,
I couldn't take her into a church.
SUKI: All right. There you are.
- Here we go. - Thanks, darling.
Now, Paul, I'm afraid yours was dripping all over my hand,
so I had to give it a bit of a lick.
Oh. Thanks.
DAD: Mmm.
DAD: Oh! That is so good.
DAD AND SUKI MOAN
LIVELY MUSIC
She's nice, isn't she?
Yeah. Lovely. Yeah.
Oh, get in. Give it a feel.
- Yeah? - Yeah, sure. Please. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Real leather. - Mmm.
Sorry, do you mind if I sort of...?
Make yourself at home.
Very smooth, isn't it?
German design. The whole range has been designed...
Look at this joker. HONKS HORN
Prick!
HE SIGHS
...with precision ergonomics.
Top of the range. Like the stereo. STEREO PLAYS MUSIC
Oh, for God's sake, Sandra, give it a rest, can't you?
We've had enough of that with your friends.
Can we please just have some silence?
Oh, excellent. Is this a GPS thing?
Er, yes, yes.
Well, actually, it's a GPS/TV/onboard computer.
Pretty cool, you see. It's...
Sorry, just a sec.
It's a...fully...automated system.
Yeah, very impressive. I like all these little compartments and things.
Yes.
What kind of mileage does it get?
Er...er, pretty good, pretty good.
Of course, obviously with a larger car, you will have the...
higher fuel consumption,
but it actually works out fairly economic, mile for mile.
Plenty of room here, isn't there?
Oh, yes, yes. Very spacious.
- The boot can take up to... - Stop it, you two!
Stop it!
Jennifer, you stop teasing your brother.
Oliver, you stop hitting your sister. The pair of you...
Oh, God! HONKS HORN
Oh, God! Oh, God! Is everyone all right?
Kids? Oliver? Are you OK?
Sandra?
Oh, Jesus, no.
Sandra?
Oh, God, no!
SANDRA!
Um...
I like it. Do you do a diesel model?
HOST: It occurs once in a minute, twice in a week and once in a year.
What is it? BUZZER
- Susan. - The letter E.
Correct.
That's the end of the round and the end of the contest.
And the winner, with a Critical Factor of 16,
is housewife Susan Small.
APPLAUSE
Susan, you go through to our seventh group final.
Christopher, this time you weren't good enough.
And so that ends this week's series of mental and physical challenges
on The Critical Factor.
After a break for Christmas,
we'll be back in the new year for more of the same.
I do hope you'll join us.
Until then, from the contestants and from me, good night.
Hi, guys.
Now, the build-up to Sportsfest 2010 is really picking up pace.
It's a very exciting time for us.
And we're very proud because a decision's been made
regarding our official logo.
That's right. We have had the best design team in London working on it.
Paul Adams, no less, has personally worked on this logo.
We hope you're as energised and as impressed by it as we are. Mark?
Well, without further ado, the official logo for Sportsfest 2010.
Jason, you don't seem sure.
No, no. No...
I think it's good.
Um, I was...I was just thinking...
would it work in a different colour?
Judge for yourself. I mean, here it is in pink.
Yeah, yeah, I prefer it like that.
Sue, you've always got something to say.
Er...the different colours kind of, um, express the diversity
of what we're trying to achieve here.
Uh-huh.
What I like about it is it's er...it's very forceful.
It's very confident.
Yes. There's a... kinetic energy to it
and, um, sense of urgency.
Yeah, well, that's...that's it.
I mean, that was actually precisely what the brief was.
Wow. Gary?
Yeah, I don't know.
Um...don't you think it's a bit, you know...
bum-sexy?
I just think it's a little bit, kind of...
HE GRUNTS
You know, a bit...
HE GRUNTS
Well, no.
Um, what we've done is we've captured the symbolic handover moment
from the relay event.
I think that's really emblematic.
Look - 2010.
Don't get me wrong - I like it. I mean, I really like it.
I just wonder if it's a little bit...
HE GRUNTS
You know, but maybe it's just me.
I don't think anyone else will notice it.
No.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
Negroni.
Two Negronis.
Thirsty?
Very.
Jazz. Not good.
MORE UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Picky.
I know what I like.
Oh. I'm sure you do.
Accepting drinks from strangers.
You should be more careful.
And what makes you think I'm going to drink it?
I have a feeling for these things.
First time for everything.
What brings a man like you to a...
Ponytail. SHE GAGS
COUGHING AND VOMITING
VOMITING CONTINUES
Over the years, many people have asked me
how I came to end up in this confounded chariot.
Well, it wasn't pleasant, was it, Fyffe?
I won't forget it in a hurry.
You see, Fyffe and I were painting the ceiling
of his drawing room a number of years ago.
I was up the ladder and Fyffe was down below
in more of a paint-providing capacity, isn't that so, Fyffe?
Just so, just so.
Whereupon happened my little accident.
And, well, we've written a song explaining the rest.
FYFFE PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
# I thought the pinnacle of frustration
# In ceiling decoration
# Was getting those flecks of white paint in your hair
# But the very devil stalks the land when you're up a ladder
# Brush in hand, as now we know But then were not aware
# If the story we're about to tell might save another, then, very well
# I won't hold back on details - Please take note
# You see, when painting up on high I got something in my eye
# And I owe this disposition to that mote
# As Brabbins stepped down from the raise
# There was a parting of the ways
# And I did the most acrobatic splits you'll see
# But a music stand beneath got my best bits in its teeth
# As I graced it like the fairy on top of a tree
# You know that bit between your testicles and your anus?
# The bit that's sometimes covered in downy hair
# Well, there along the seam, the skin that's in between
# Had opened like the door to a beggar's lair
# The feeling left me reeling
# You'll never paint another ceiling
# I'll only ever perform at semi-lob
# Me bottom end's a wreck I've lost me lower deck
# And you've left me with a half-arsed job
# You know that bit between your testicles and your anus?
# Indisputably the unloveliest body part
# Well, to summarise, there's a hole between my thighs
# And I can achieve a fine vibrato when I fart. #
APPLAUSE
As you know, there were a couple of minor problems with the last logo.
But we've been back to the drawing board.
We realised we needed to throw some serious money at it.
Money well spent, though.
So we got Mather, Smith and Epstein on board
and they've come up with something quite different.
Lovely and functional. A little bit Bauhaus.
We're excited. We hope you are too.