1 00:00:06,020 --> 00:00:07,300 STATIC CRACKLES 2 00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,100 LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS 3 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:38,220 So I'm off to New York for three days on Wednesday, 4 00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:40,220 back Sunday, then straight on to Zurich, 5 00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:41,540 meetings all day Monday, 6 00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:43,980 then Tuesday...no, Monday night, fly to Brussels, 7 00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:46,340 then on to Dusseldorf Wednesday morning. 8 00:00:46,340 --> 00:00:48,340 Wow! Busy schedule. What do you do? 9 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,940 Then home again for two days, then back to bloody New York again. 10 00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:52,700 What do you do for a living? 11 00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:54,020 (I don't know.) 12 00:00:56,060 --> 00:00:58,380 You must know what job you do. 13 00:00:58,380 --> 00:01:00,860 No, I have literally no idea. 14 00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,100 I travel all over the place 15 00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:05,500 and have meetings with other men who look very like me, 16 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,740 and we josh about golf handicaps and, you know, the wives' breasts, 17 00:01:08,740 --> 00:01:10,500 but I really don't know why. 18 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:14,780 See that? Christ alone knows what that's all about. 19 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:19,140 You must have some idea what you do. What's your company called? 20 00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:22,300 PHP Residual Solutions. 21 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:24,860 It's not much of a clue, is it? 22 00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:28,180 Um, well, let's narrow it down. You're obviously not a fireman. 23 00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:31,020 No, and I'm not a baker, otherwise I'd have... 24 00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:33,260 BOTH: One of those hats. 25 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,220 I'm not a supermodel, I'm not Prime Minister, 26 00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:40,060 I'm not an astronaut, shepherd, priest, chocolatier, 27 00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:42,260 life coach, bullfighter. 28 00:01:42,260 --> 00:01:44,540 I'm not a special-needs classroom assistant 29 00:01:44,540 --> 00:01:46,500 and I'm pretty sure I'm not the secretary 30 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,260 of a Scottish country-dance society. 31 00:01:48,260 --> 00:01:50,180 Oh, maybe you work for one of those companies 32 00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:51,700 that coats things in plastic. 33 00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:54,460 They take metal things and they coat them in plastic. 34 00:01:54,460 --> 00:01:56,300 Yeah. 35 00:01:57,260 --> 00:01:59,180 Yeah, could be. 36 00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:02,140 Yeah, let's say that. Sounds plausible. Great. What do you do? 37 00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:04,620 I work for a company that coats metal things in plastic. 38 00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:06,700 That's what made me think of it. 39 00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:10,060 Paul, you old bastard! I didn't know you were on this flight. How's work? 40 00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:12,780 - It's great. - Not interfering with your golf, I hope. 41 00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:15,180 Oh, no, still swinging away like the wife's knockers. 42 00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:24,060 After two days of, frankly, not very much happening, 43 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:27,620 Dr Richard has discovered something in the north trench. 44 00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:29,100 I'm just off to speak to him now. 45 00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:30,860 Dr Richard, I've just been told 46 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,820 you've made a startling discovery. 47 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,940 Yes. Archaeology's BLEEP boring. 48 00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:44,860 You have both been found guilty by court martial 49 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:47,540 of cowardice, desertion 50 00:02:47,540 --> 00:02:49,460 and disobedience in the face of the enemy. 51 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,620 The sentence of the court 52 00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,940 is that you are to be executed by firing squad. 53 00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,620 God save the King. 54 00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:58,740 Is you saying you's gonna shoot us all up with guns 55 00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:01,380 and this and that and everything else? 56 00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:03,620 That is the sentence of the court. 57 00:03:03,620 --> 00:03:05,900 But we's on your side, man. You're not meant to shoot us up. 58 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:09,300 You're meant to shoot up other geezers, like the Germans, Italians, isn't it? 59 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,780 Yeah, we never done nothing anyway. 60 00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:13,260 Some other geezer did them things you said. I'm not even lying. 61 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:14,900 And me and me brethren's innocent 62 00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:18,380 and I swear on my nan's life and she's in a home with a disease and all this. 63 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:24,380 Do you have any last requests? 64 00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:27,420 Can I sit down, blud? My legs well ache standing up. 65 00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:29,900 - You may not sit down. - Well, then, I'll need my inhaler. 66 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:31,540 I is asthmatic, I could actually die. 67 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:35,780 Did you confiscate his inhaler? That's abuse. He could actually die. 68 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:38,260 - Isn't it? - You're both about to die anyway. 69 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:40,660 - Squad! - I had this asthma attack once, right? 70 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:43,020 I couldn't breathe for eight minutes. I had to go hospital. 71 00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:46,220 The geezer gives me steroids what are made from a dead man's balls. 72 00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:48,940 No way. Is they all made from knackers? That's skanky. 73 00:03:48,940 --> 00:03:52,060 - Squad, take aim. - This is so unfair. 74 00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:55,940 I want a community sentence. Being shot might affect me emotionally. 75 00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:57,300 On my command, you will fire. 76 00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:58,860 - All right, Biffy? - All right, Mum? 77 00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:00,020 All right, Biffy's mum? 78 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,220 You been picking on my boy again and his mate and all this 79 00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:04,900 and chatting shit about stuff they never even done? 80 00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:08,460 Madam, remove yourself. You have no right to be here. 81 00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:11,420 Your son and his fellow officer have been found guilty by court martial. 82 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,780 Don't shit me about. You've been after him since day one. 83 00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,540 Any little thing and you have a go, like when he bombed Portsmouth. 84 00:04:16,540 --> 00:04:19,620 - It was an accident. - I know it was, love. 85 00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:23,420 I'm taking these boys back home, yeah, for some chips and a saveloy, 86 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:26,780 and you try and stop me and I'll say you touched their arses. 87 00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:28,980 Stop that this instant. 88 00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:31,020 No way, blud. I is keeping them off war, 89 00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,300 cos you is a paedo and I'm not even lying. 90 00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,860 - Isn't it? Isn't it, though? - Isn't it? 91 00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:37,060 - No, but isn't it, though? - Harsh. 92 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:41,100 ELEGANT MUSIC 93 00:04:44,940 --> 00:04:47,100 We're standing in the Rembrandt House Museum 94 00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:48,900 on Jodenbreestraat in Amsterdam 95 00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:52,500 to see an extraordinary piece of art. 96 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:55,500 This seemingly modest 97 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,900 pen-and-ink drawing by Rembrandt 98 00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,060 is, in fact, 99 00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:02,260 one of the most magnificent representations of humanity 100 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,740 ever committed to paper. 101 00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:07,860 Just take a look at some of this quite incredible detail. 102 00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:14,220 The nominal subject is, of course, Christ among the money changers, 103 00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:18,660 but the real matter at hand is the vulnerable nature of humanity. 104 00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,740 Look at the fear in the faces 105 00:05:20,740 --> 00:05:22,300 of these merchants - 106 00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,460 how they clutch despairingly 107 00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:26,340 at their material wealth. 108 00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:29,020 As a simple pen-and-ink study, 109 00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:31,940 I think this may be without equal. 110 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:35,900 The level of skill and compassion recorded here 111 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,860 are truly remarkable. 112 00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:40,220 If one had to give it a value, 113 00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:41,620 one could only say 114 00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:44,020 that it is absolutely price... 115 00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:10,620 Come on. Info me, people. 116 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,540 We're more like the Germans than the French. 117 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,260 - Right. - Tea is better for you than water. 118 00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:15,300 Noted. 119 00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,460 - IKEA doesn't sell paddling pools. - You're kidding! 120 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,700 - Jim Fairbanks is on hold. - Keep him there till he cries. 121 00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:21,460 Some people are ambivalent about Marmite. 122 00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:22,500 Yep. 123 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:24,900 Shakespeare couldn't be bothered writing on Thursday. 124 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,380 - You can't beat a good cry. - Amen. 125 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:28,460 On June 22, it was hotter here than in Ibiza. 126 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:30,020 - What was I doing? - You had a barbecue. 127 00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:31,060 Yes! 128 00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:32,780 - Ice-T is chilling in his hot tub. - Noted. 129 00:06:32,780 --> 00:06:35,060 People don't know each other's phone numbers any more. 130 00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:36,220 No, they don't. 131 00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:37,660 You're about to fall into a big hole. 132 00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:41,260 What are you talking about, Decla-a-a-a-a... 133 00:06:41,260 --> 00:06:43,540 I did warn him. 134 00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,020 Er...careful. 135 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,580 APPLAUSE 136 00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:54,660 Good evening and welcome to The Critical Factor. 137 00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:57,020 Our contestants tonight are - Michael Thompson, 138 00:06:57,020 --> 00:06:59,820 a consultant civil engineer from Halifax, West Yorkshire. 139 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,860 Hello. 140 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:04,540 Simon O'Connor, a consultant civil engineer 141 00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:06,020 from Newbury, West Berkshire. 142 00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:07,580 Hello. 143 00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:10,300 Susan Small, a housewife from Winchester, Hampshire. 144 00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:11,620 Hello. 145 00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:14,500 And Christopher Oust, a consultant civil engineer 146 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:15,980 from Boston, Lincolnshire. 147 00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:17,860 Hi, there. 148 00:07:17,860 --> 00:07:19,340 Steady on there, Christopher. 149 00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:21,180 So, for the next half an hour, 150 00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:22,900 we'll be testing these contestants' wits 151 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,020 with a series of mental and physical challenges. 152 00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:27,860 Tonight is the second-to-last heat of the first play-off heats 153 00:07:27,860 --> 00:07:30,180 in our third group F draw finals. 154 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:32,740 In 17 weeks' time, we'll know all the 63 finalists 155 00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:36,020 competing to be named The Critical Factor Super Person of the Year 156 00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,700 and take away this state-of-the-art plastic trophy. 157 00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:43,860 But that's still 83 weeks away, 158 00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:47,060 so let's start, as we always do, with round one. 159 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,820 The task is to complete the three-dimensional logic puzzle 160 00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:54,580 showing the UK's national grid and regional substations. 161 00:07:55,940 --> 00:07:57,900 Your time starts now. 162 00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:02,540 The clue here is in getting the Horsham 60-megavolt uplink 163 00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:04,020 at the bottom of the map. 164 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:08,460 Michael has that piece the wrong way round. 165 00:08:08,460 --> 00:08:11,260 Christopher's worked out that no two adjacent colours can be the same, 166 00:08:11,260 --> 00:08:13,660 except for purple and buff. 167 00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:18,780 Simon's just staring at his. 168 00:08:18,780 --> 00:08:21,260 It's beginning to take shape for Susan. 169 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:25,540 And that's it. Well done. APPLAUSE 170 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:29,380 And for Michael. APPLAUSE 171 00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:33,460 That's Christopher's puzzle completed. 172 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:36,260 An excited celebration there. 173 00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:39,060 Simon having real trouble. 174 00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:45,220 Well, there you go. A valiant effort nonetheless. 175 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:47,260 Let's see what that does to our scoreboard. 176 00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,220 Simon, a tough round for you, 177 00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:53,900 and that leaves you in last place with a Critical Factor of two, 178 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,620 but Susan truly mastered that challenge 179 00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:57,300 and into a worthy lead goes the housewife 180 00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:58,940 from Winchester, Hampshire... 181 00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:00,580 GUN SHOT 182 00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:02,140 ...with a Critical Factor of ten. 183 00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:18,100 Hmm. You sure we got the time right? 184 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,580 Yeah, well, that's what it says here. 185 00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:21,580 "Trip to Fire Mountain - 6am, hotel reception." 186 00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:23,540 SPLASH 187 00:09:23,540 --> 00:09:26,060 - Oh, someone's in the pool early. - Yeah. Ha! 188 00:09:26,060 --> 00:09:28,220 I can't believe you talked me into going up a volcano. 189 00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:31,500 If I die, I'm gonna come back and haunt you for all eternity. 190 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:33,500 - And how's that different to now? - Hey! 191 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:36,580 - Aloha! - Aloha, Jim. 192 00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:38,700 - Hi, Jim. - Taking an early plunge? 193 00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:40,020 After a fashion. 194 00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:41,340 Couldn't wait to strip? 195 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:44,060 Well, to be quite honest, I did it on a whim. 196 00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:45,580 I jumped in from me balcony. 197 00:09:45,580 --> 00:09:47,060 JIM LAUGHS 198 00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:48,540 Your room's on the fourth floor. 199 00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:49,780 Yeah, I know. 200 00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:52,260 I was up there, you know, thinking about me wedding day 201 00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:54,100 and how it'd been the best day of my life, 202 00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,980 right up until the point where I found me wife gobbling the DJ 203 00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:59,620 to Too Shy by Kajagoogoo. 204 00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:02,860 Then I started thinking about them at it, you know, 205 00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:06,580 all the positions - the missionary and the other one. 206 00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:08,660 And then I looked down at the pool and thought, 207 00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:12,780 "Yeah, Pepsi-flippin'-Max! I'll go for it!" 208 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:15,740 HE LAUGHS Oh, God! 209 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,580 Yeah, yeah, well, you know, I was feeling a bit hot and bothered, 210 00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:21,220 because I'd been up all night working through a few things. 211 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,740 The minibar for one. Hey. 212 00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:24,900 IMITATES DRUM ROLL 213 00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:26,020 HORN HONKS 214 00:10:26,020 --> 00:10:28,980 That'll be the minibus. Better go tell them we're here. 215 00:10:28,980 --> 00:10:30,700 Are you sure you're OK, Jim? 216 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,780 It must be really hard being here like this. 217 00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:36,340 SHE SQUEALS 218 00:10:36,340 --> 00:10:38,020 Jim, what are you doing?! 219 00:10:38,020 --> 00:10:39,220 - Jim! - She was all over me. 220 00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,380 I wasn't. I was trying to comfort you. 221 00:10:41,380 --> 00:10:45,380 - I could see you were in pain. - Oh, right. Got it. Nice one. 222 00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:47,500 It was nothing, Phil. She was just giving me comfort. 223 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,500 Which is absolutely not the same thing as relief. 224 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:52,420 Yes, OK, Jim. Well, just forget about it. 225 00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:55,780 - You're obviously very hurt. - And horny. 226 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,540 You're really not seeing me at my best. 227 00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:59,940 I even thought about phoning an escort agency. 228 00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:02,060 There's one of them in the book - Honolulu Honeys. 229 00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:04,580 - Seen their ad? - I'm on honeymoon. 230 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,340 Gotcha. HORN HONKS 231 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:08,020 We'd really better go, Phil. 232 00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:11,300 - Are you off somewhere? - We're going to Fire Mountain. I... 233 00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,340 I don't know what it'll be like. 234 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,540 It's eight hours in a minibus, for starters. 235 00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:17,740 Fire Mountain. Sounds like a good place to dry off. 236 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:21,260 You know, and it'll be nice to have a bit of company, 237 00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:22,980 keep me out of harm's way. 238 00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:26,820 I can, um...get a bit down when I'm on me own. 239 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,940 Oh, Jim. You poor thing. 240 00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:33,820 Jim! Jim! 241 00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:36,940 Sorry. Sorry. That one WAS partly me. 242 00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:40,100 Bagsie the back seat. 243 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,140 FILM PROJECTOR WHIRRS 244 00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:47,060 Mum's off to the shops with baby. 245 00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:51,140 To make things easier, she's leaving him outside, alone. 246 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:54,260 But wait. Is he safe? 247 00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:06,380 Remember, mothers - don't leave a pram unattended in a public place 248 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:08,700 without applying the brake. 249 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,900 For baby's sake, apply the brake. 250 00:12:19,420 --> 00:12:24,180 My name is Doctor Tia. I live in Botswana, saving lives. 251 00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:26,180 Do you? 252 00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:30,620 The people here have very primitive beliefs. 253 00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:33,060 Most of them would rather see a witchdoctor 254 00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:37,060 than put their lives in the hands of a white devil like me. 255 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:40,020 SPEAKS MOCK-LOCAL LANGUAGE 256 00:12:42,940 --> 00:12:44,420 That's Mabutwe. 257 00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:46,020 Six months ago, 258 00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:49,300 I performed a life-saving emergency tracheotomy on his wife 259 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,420 in the middle of a bustling marketplace, 260 00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:53,820 in front of a crowd of some 300 people. 261 00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:56,060 It was a gruesome operation, 262 00:12:56,060 --> 00:13:00,420 but without it, I fear her cold could have got much worse. 263 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:04,380 He was so touched, he gave me three small grains of rice - 264 00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:07,700 the equivalent of a year's salary. 265 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:11,140 The dignity of these people is truly humbling. 266 00:13:11,140 --> 00:13:13,500 STARTS ENGINE 267 00:13:15,180 --> 00:13:17,180 WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY: Africa. 268 00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:26,460 Honestly, you wouldn't believe some of the dodgy things that Dan's into. 269 00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:28,180 - He's totally twisted. - Yeah, all right. 270 00:13:28,180 --> 00:13:29,860 I admit it - I'm a monster. 271 00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:32,740 Having said that, I have got a thing about your gym socks. 272 00:13:32,740 --> 00:13:34,260 - He has! - I don't know what it is. 273 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:36,420 My ex was like that. What is it with you guys? 274 00:13:36,420 --> 00:13:38,900 He used to make me keep them on if I'd been running. 275 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,980 Yeah, well, it's a bloke thing. You know, we're all closet perverts. 276 00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:44,140 Yeah, you big weirdos. HE LAUGHS 277 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:47,660 - I'm a bit weird. - Oh, yeah. Really? 278 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,660 I like bunnies. THEY LAUGH 279 00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:51,980 Here we go. Blokes and bunny girls. 280 00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:53,300 Strippers for ever. 281 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,780 No, I mean, like, actually bunnies. Real rabbits. 282 00:13:55,780 --> 00:13:57,700 I've got about 30 in a hutch in my garden. 283 00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:00,420 There's nothing like the brush of a rabbit's fur on your skin, 284 00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:01,940 the soft tickle of its whiskers, 285 00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:04,020 and the way its coarse tongue gives you goosebumps 286 00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,140 every time it licks your nipples. 287 00:14:06,140 --> 00:14:08,940 I like to have two or three rabbits in the bed with me at night, 288 00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:10,460 pressed up against my naked back. 289 00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:12,140 And then I'll hold one of them 290 00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:15,100 really tightly at arm's length above me, you know, 291 00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,820 and squeeze it really hard until it shits on me. 292 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:24,300 That a bit too weird? 293 00:14:27,860 --> 00:14:31,220 Coming into the final leg of the Critical Factor assault course, 294 00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:34,420 and just five seconds between the leading contestants. 295 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:43,020 But it's Christopher who's gonna get over the line in first place 296 00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:45,100 and pick up ten points. 297 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,020 Susan isn't far behind. 298 00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:52,260 And way back in last place, still making a valiant effort, is Michael. 299 00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,780 So, Christopher, was that a tough physical challenge? 300 00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:56,300 It was about average. 301 00:14:56,300 --> 00:15:00,220 Coming down the aerial slide, I thought I was gonna come off, 302 00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:02,180 but I didn't, so that was fine. 303 00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:04,220 - Right. So that bit was OK? - Yeah. 304 00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:06,060 So, which was the toughest part? 305 00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:08,500 Probably coming down the aerial slide. 306 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:12,580 Ten points to Christopher there, 307 00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:15,300 as we head into the decisive final round. 308 00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:20,900 Where is he, Azlo? Tell me where Sheikh Houlami is. Talk! 309 00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:22,940 You are too late. 310 00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:24,460 His plan is almost at hand, 311 00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:27,380 and soon your land will burn in the eternal fire. 312 00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:29,580 Fine. 313 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:34,660 - What's that? - Sodium Pentothal. Truth serum. 314 00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:36,940 - You think that scares me? - Maybe not. 315 00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:39,740 But, oh, dear, is that an air bubble I see inside of it? 316 00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:42,180 That was careless of me, wasn't it? 317 00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:44,820 - Those can be lethal. - Wait. Don't do this. 318 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,020 Too late, Azlo. 319 00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:48,300 All right. I'll tell. I'll tell. I'll tell! He's... 320 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:53,020 # Happy birthday, dear Andrew 321 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:59,580 # Happy birthday to you! # 322 00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:03,300 Ha-ha! You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? 323 00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:05,540 - Lights, Suzie. - Sir, can we please do this later? 324 00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:07,980 Azlo was just about to tell me Houlami's location! 325 00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:09,780 Here he goes again - work, work, work. 326 00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:12,980 Take a load off, Andrew. It's your birthday. Now, blow the candles out. 327 00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:16,020 - I must complete my interrogation! - Don't forget to make a wish. 328 00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:20,860 HE SIGHS 329 00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:22,020 Er... 330 00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,660 APPLAUSE 331 00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:27,140 PARTY BLOWER 332 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:31,580 - I'd better crack on. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 333 00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:34,940 If you think you get off that easily, you've got another think coming. 334 00:16:34,940 --> 00:16:37,700 I'm gonna take the birthday boy and the rest of the gang out 335 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,380 for lunch at PizzaExpress. 336 00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:42,300 Sir, would you please, please listen to me? 337 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:45,380 We've heard that Houlami's preparing another attack. I must find him! 338 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:49,940 You know what I always say, Andrew - birthdays should be mirth days, hmm? 339 00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:51,660 If it makes you feel any better, 340 00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:54,540 first thing tomorrow morning, we'll waterboard him. Come on. 341 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:59,100 MELLOW MUSIC 342 00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:07,500 Oh, dear. 343 00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:13,180 Well, we'd better think about being on our way. 344 00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,540 Dad, can't we stay a bit longer? 345 00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:18,540 Your mum said you have people coming round, so we'd better get you back. 346 00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:22,020 Well, what about I go and get us all an ice cream? 347 00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:23,340 Oh, yeah! 348 00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:25,340 - Honey? - Oh, please, Suki. 349 00:17:27,060 --> 00:17:29,180 - I like Suki. - Yeah? 350 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,380 Me, too. 351 00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:33,460 - Dad? - What is it, me old china? 352 00:17:34,980 --> 00:17:36,620 Are you and Suki gonna get married? 353 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,780 Wow! Whoa, that's a big question. 354 00:17:39,780 --> 00:17:42,860 And one that deserves to be treated seriously. 355 00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:46,060 I suppose marriage is kind of like the next step 356 00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:49,140 when you've been together for a while, like we have. 357 00:17:49,140 --> 00:17:51,220 And in order to know if it's the right step, 358 00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:53,620 you have to ask yourself all sorts of other questions - 359 00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,860 you know, how would it affect our relationship? 360 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:58,780 Am I ready to settle down again? 361 00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:02,260 Is she the right one for me to settle down with? 362 00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:04,060 You know, when I think about it like that, 363 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:06,580 I realise that... 364 00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:07,620 No. 365 00:18:10,980 --> 00:18:12,980 With Suki, it's all about the sex. 366 00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:17,180 I mean, we are at it like rutting stags 367 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,460 every minute you're out of the room, 368 00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:22,300 and a couple of times when you were there. 369 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:27,220 I mean, don't get me wrong - Suki is brilliant and everything, 370 00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:28,780 and I love that she's fond of you, 371 00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:30,940 and she goes off to get ice creams and what-have-you. 372 00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:32,700 But if I'm honest, Paul, 373 00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:35,180 after some of the things she's done to me in the bedroom, 374 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,860 I couldn't take her into a church. 375 00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:40,020 SUKI: All right. There you are. 376 00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:41,500 - Here we go. - Thanks, darling. 377 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,620 Now, Paul, I'm afraid yours was dripping all over my hand, 378 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:46,220 so I had to give it a bit of a lick. 379 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:47,900 Oh. Thanks. 380 00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:51,660 DAD: Mmm. 381 00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:54,580 DAD: Oh! That is so good. 382 00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:57,180 DAD AND SUKI MOAN 383 00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,660 LIVELY MUSIC 384 00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,660 She's nice, isn't she? 385 00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:08,420 Yeah. Lovely. Yeah. 386 00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,300 Oh, get in. Give it a feel. 387 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:13,260 - Yeah? - Yeah, sure. Please. Yeah. 388 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,020 Oh, yeah. 389 00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:20,300 - Real leather. - Mmm. 390 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,140 Sorry, do you mind if I sort of...? 391 00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:24,580 Make yourself at home. 392 00:19:26,820 --> 00:19:28,020 Very smooth, isn't it? 393 00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:31,300 German design. The whole range has been designed... 394 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,420 Look at this joker. HONKS HORN 395 00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:35,060 Prick! 396 00:19:35,060 --> 00:19:36,580 HE SIGHS 397 00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:39,580 ...with precision ergonomics. 398 00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:42,900 Top of the range. Like the stereo. STEREO PLAYS MUSIC 399 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:46,060 Oh, for God's sake, Sandra, give it a rest, can't you? 400 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,980 We've had enough of that with your friends. 401 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,020 Can we please just have some silence? 402 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:53,620 Oh, excellent. Is this a GPS thing? 403 00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:56,180 Er, yes, yes. 404 00:19:56,180 --> 00:20:00,740 Well, actually, it's a GPS/TV/onboard computer. 405 00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:02,940 Pretty cool, you see. It's... 406 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,700 Sorry, just a sec. 407 00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:24,540 It's a...fully...automated system. 408 00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:28,220 Yeah, very impressive. I like all these little compartments and things. 409 00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:29,460 Yes. 410 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,380 What kind of mileage does it get? 411 00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:34,540 Er...er, pretty good, pretty good. 412 00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:39,380 Of course, obviously with a larger car, you will have the... 413 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:41,460 higher fuel consumption, 414 00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:43,780 but it actually works out fairly economic, mile for mile. 415 00:20:43,780 --> 00:20:45,420 Plenty of room here, isn't there? 416 00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:47,140 Oh, yes, yes. Very spacious. 417 00:20:47,140 --> 00:20:49,500 - The boot can take up to... - Stop it, you two! 418 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,100 Stop it! 419 00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,020 Jennifer, you stop teasing your brother. 420 00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:55,540 Oliver, you stop hitting your sister. The pair of you... 421 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:57,980 Oh, God! HONKS HORN 422 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:04,500 Oh, God! Oh, God! Is everyone all right? 423 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,540 Kids? Oliver? Are you OK? 424 00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:08,460 Sandra? 425 00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:10,900 Oh, Jesus, no. 426 00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:13,380 Sandra? 427 00:21:13,380 --> 00:21:14,540 Oh, God, no! 428 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:17,220 SANDRA! 429 00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:24,500 Um... 430 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,820 I like it. Do you do a diesel model? 431 00:21:30,980 --> 00:21:34,100 HOST: It occurs once in a minute, twice in a week and once in a year. 432 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:35,980 What is it? BUZZER 433 00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:37,580 - Susan. - The letter E. 434 00:21:37,580 --> 00:21:38,820 Correct. 435 00:21:38,820 --> 00:21:41,420 That's the end of the round and the end of the contest. 436 00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:43,420 And the winner, with a Critical Factor of 16, 437 00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:45,740 is housewife Susan Small. 438 00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:47,900 APPLAUSE 439 00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:50,580 Susan, you go through to our seventh group final. 440 00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:53,300 Christopher, this time you weren't good enough. 441 00:21:54,820 --> 00:21:58,020 And so that ends this week's series of mental and physical challenges 442 00:21:58,020 --> 00:21:59,500 on The Critical Factor. 443 00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:00,980 After a break for Christmas, 444 00:22:00,980 --> 00:22:02,980 we'll be back in the new year for more of the same. 445 00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:04,500 I do hope you'll join us. 446 00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:07,460 Until then, from the contestants and from me, good night. 447 00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:15,140 Hi, guys. 448 00:22:15,140 --> 00:22:18,020 Now, the build-up to Sportsfest 2010 is really picking up pace. 449 00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:19,860 It's a very exciting time for us. 450 00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:22,020 And we're very proud because a decision's been made 451 00:22:22,020 --> 00:22:23,500 regarding our official logo. 452 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:26,860 That's right. We have had the best design team in London working on it. 453 00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:30,620 Paul Adams, no less, has personally worked on this logo. 454 00:22:30,620 --> 00:22:34,060 We hope you're as energised and as impressed by it as we are. Mark? 455 00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:37,820 Well, without further ado, the official logo for Sportsfest 2010. 456 00:22:47,860 --> 00:22:49,180 Jason, you don't seem sure. 457 00:22:49,180 --> 00:22:52,140 No, no. No... 458 00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:55,140 I think it's good. 459 00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:58,900 Um, I was...I was just thinking... 460 00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:02,980 would it work in a different colour? 461 00:23:02,980 --> 00:23:06,060 Judge for yourself. I mean, here it is in pink. 462 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,860 Yeah, yeah, I prefer it like that. 463 00:23:10,980 --> 00:23:13,100 Sue, you've always got something to say. 464 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:18,620 Er...the different colours kind of, um, express the diversity 465 00:23:18,620 --> 00:23:20,260 of what we're trying to achieve here. 466 00:23:20,260 --> 00:23:21,300 Uh-huh. 467 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:24,820 What I like about it is it's er...it's very forceful. 468 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,940 It's very confident. 469 00:23:26,940 --> 00:23:30,020 Yes. There's a... kinetic energy to it 470 00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:31,780 and, um, sense of urgency. 471 00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:34,060 Yeah, well, that's...that's it. 472 00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:36,300 I mean, that was actually precisely what the brief was. 473 00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,020 Wow. Gary? 474 00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:39,780 Yeah, I don't know. 475 00:23:39,780 --> 00:23:43,140 Um...don't you think it's a bit, you know... 476 00:23:43,140 --> 00:23:44,780 bum-sexy? 477 00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:49,820 I just think it's a little bit, kind of... 478 00:23:49,820 --> 00:23:51,180 HE GRUNTS 479 00:23:53,580 --> 00:23:54,620 You know, a bit... 480 00:23:54,620 --> 00:23:57,740 HE GRUNTS 481 00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:00,660 Well, no. 482 00:24:00,660 --> 00:24:05,220 Um, what we've done is we've captured the symbolic handover moment 483 00:24:05,220 --> 00:24:06,940 from the relay event. 484 00:24:06,940 --> 00:24:08,900 I think that's really emblematic. 485 00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:10,740 Look - 2010. 486 00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:13,140 Don't get me wrong - I like it. I mean, I really like it. 487 00:24:13,140 --> 00:24:14,700 I just wonder if it's a little bit... 488 00:24:14,700 --> 00:24:16,660 HE GRUNTS 489 00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:20,020 You know, but maybe it's just me. 490 00:24:20,020 --> 00:24:21,740 I don't think anyone else will notice it. 491 00:24:21,740 --> 00:24:23,020 No. 492 00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:28,500 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 493 00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:33,940 Negroni. 494 00:24:36,340 --> 00:24:38,820 Two Negronis. 495 00:24:40,620 --> 00:24:42,940 Thirsty? 496 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:45,140 Very. 497 00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:49,940 Jazz. Not good. 498 00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:51,460 MORE UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS 499 00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:53,380 Picky. 500 00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:54,940 I know what I like. 501 00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:58,060 Oh. I'm sure you do. 502 00:25:01,620 --> 00:25:03,860 Accepting drinks from strangers. 503 00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:05,740 You should be more careful. 504 00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:08,860 And what makes you think I'm going to drink it? 505 00:25:08,860 --> 00:25:11,420 I have a feeling for these things. 506 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:15,380 First time for everything. 507 00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:19,980 What brings a man like you to a... 508 00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:23,740 Ponytail. SHE GAGS 509 00:25:24,860 --> 00:25:27,340 COUGHING AND VOMITING 510 00:25:32,140 --> 00:25:34,340 VOMITING CONTINUES 511 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:37,060 Over the years, many people have asked me 512 00:25:37,060 --> 00:25:40,220 how I came to end up in this confounded chariot. 513 00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:42,820 Well, it wasn't pleasant, was it, Fyffe? 514 00:25:42,820 --> 00:25:44,460 I won't forget it in a hurry. 515 00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:46,300 You see, Fyffe and I were painting the ceiling 516 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:47,980 of his drawing room a number of years ago. 517 00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:49,780 I was up the ladder and Fyffe was down below 518 00:25:49,780 --> 00:25:53,220 in more of a paint-providing capacity, isn't that so, Fyffe? 519 00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:54,500 Just so, just so. 520 00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:57,340 Whereupon happened my little accident. 521 00:25:57,340 --> 00:26:01,140 And, well, we've written a song explaining the rest. 522 00:26:01,140 --> 00:26:04,620 FYFFE PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE 523 00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:06,820 # I thought the pinnacle of frustration 524 00:26:06,820 --> 00:26:08,540 # In ceiling decoration 525 00:26:08,540 --> 00:26:12,140 # Was getting those flecks of white paint in your hair 526 00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:15,180 # But the very devil stalks the land when you're up a ladder 527 00:26:15,180 --> 00:26:18,620 # Brush in hand, as now we know But then were not aware 528 00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:23,740 # If the story we're about to tell might save another, then, very well 529 00:26:23,740 --> 00:26:26,180 # I won't hold back on details - Please take note 530 00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:30,740 # You see, when painting up on high I got something in my eye 531 00:26:30,740 --> 00:26:34,540 # And I owe this disposition to that mote 532 00:26:34,540 --> 00:26:36,660 # As Brabbins stepped down from the raise 533 00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:38,460 # There was a parting of the ways 534 00:26:38,460 --> 00:26:42,540 # And I did the most acrobatic splits you'll see 535 00:26:42,540 --> 00:26:46,140 # But a music stand beneath got my best bits in its teeth 536 00:26:46,140 --> 00:26:49,780 # As I graced it like the fairy on top of a tree 537 00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:53,740 # You know that bit between your testicles and your anus? 538 00:26:53,740 --> 00:26:57,260 # The bit that's sometimes covered in downy hair 539 00:26:57,260 --> 00:27:01,260 # Well, there along the seam, the skin that's in between 540 00:27:01,260 --> 00:27:04,940 # Had opened like the door to a beggar's lair 541 00:27:04,940 --> 00:27:06,260 # The feeling left me reeling 542 00:27:06,260 --> 00:27:08,380 # You'll never paint another ceiling 543 00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:12,140 # I'll only ever perform at semi-lob 544 00:27:12,140 --> 00:27:15,340 # Me bottom end's a wreck I've lost me lower deck 545 00:27:15,340 --> 00:27:18,420 # And you've left me with a half-arsed job 546 00:27:19,540 --> 00:27:22,780 # You know that bit between your testicles and your anus? 547 00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:26,220 # Indisputably the unloveliest body part 548 00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:29,940 # Well, to summarise, there's a hole between my thighs 549 00:27:29,940 --> 00:27:32,780 # And I can achieve a fine vibrato when I fart. # 550 00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:36,540 APPLAUSE 551 00:27:57,860 --> 00:28:02,380 As you know, there were a couple of minor problems with the last logo. 552 00:28:02,380 --> 00:28:05,140 But we've been back to the drawing board. 553 00:28:05,140 --> 00:28:07,620 We realised we needed to throw some serious money at it. 554 00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:09,100 Money well spent, though. 555 00:28:09,100 --> 00:28:11,340 So we got Mather, Smith and Epstein on board 556 00:28:11,340 --> 00:28:13,700 and they've come up with something quite different. 557 00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:16,860 Lovely and functional. A little bit Bauhaus. 558 00:28:18,100 --> 00:28:20,500 We're excited. We hope you are too.