RECORD CRACKLES
LIVELY JAZZY MUSIC
Welcome, everyone.
Now, before we get started,
I like to play a little getting-to-know-you game. So, going round the group,
I want you each to make two statements about yourself,
preferably both of them quite surprising,
one of which is true, OK?
And one is a lie. So, go on, really throw me a curve ball.
Kerry, do you mind starting?
Hmm, OK. Um...
Well, I've been out with Brad Pitt.
LAUGHTER
And I've swum with dolphins.
Oh, thank you, Kerry.
I don't think you'd have kept Brad to yourself for this long,
so, I'm guessing that's the lie.
OK, Lee, one weird truth and one funny lie, please.
I once slept with Angelina Jolie and I have a pet rat.
Very good. Very good, Lee.
I think we know which one's the lie there, don't we?
Howard?
Oh, OK, um...
I once slept with a Thai lady-boy...
ALL LAUGH
...and I once slept with a Vietnamese lady-boy.
Bit too weird?
Have you heard about Chalkie?
He's a spy for, like, that lot we're fighting - the Germans or whatever.
No way? Chalkie, a spy? You mean Chalkie?
- Yeah, man, Chalkie. - Chalkie von Schmidt, a spy?
I swear down, he's been giving the Germans all, like, spoilers about the war and this.
Oh, my days. That is so two-faced.
He was caught nicking stuff from the group captain's briefcase
and sending it to his nan in Berlin.
The group captain's well vexed, so our side -
that's the British or whatever are going to, like, totally shoot him up.
Harsh.
But the worst thing, right...
- Do you know what's the worst thing? - No, what's the worst thing?
The worst thing is, I thought Chalkie was my main homeboy.
Now it turns out he's Hitler's homeboy.
I reckon him and Hitler have been talking about me behind my back.
Right? Chalkie's your main homeboy?
Yeah, I feel well betrayed.
Spies are so fake.
Why can't people just be themselves?
The thing about me is I'm just myself and that's who I am, right?
And if you don't like that, deal with it, girlfriend, cos that's who I am.
Anyway, I'm going to go to the mess
and get all, like, a cup of tea or some shit like that.
- Can I get you anything? - No, no, I'm fine.
- You all right, man? - Yep.
It's just I thought I was your main homeboy, isn't it?
Harsh.
So, if we're going to make some snowflakes, what else are we going to need?
Card?
Well, we've got our card, haven't we?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, oh, I know.
- I know. - Go on, then, Righty.
Scissors.
Yeah. We've got our scissors here, though.
- Um... - Um...
Well, what about some glitter?
Oh, yes, glitter, glitter.
And maybe some glue?
Oh, yes, glue. Sticky, sticky glue.
All right, Righty, you get the glitter.
- I will, yes. - Lefty, you go and get the glue.
- Yes, I will. OK. - On you go, then.
Kill them.
BAROQUE CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS
I'm standing on the famous mahogany inlaid floor
of the banqueting hall in the Chateau de Vincennes
in order to view a truly extraordinary item -
the only surviving panel of the St Germain tapestry,
the finest emblem ever created
in praise of that most original medieval notion -
the ideal of courtly love.
Just look at this glorious embodiment of chastity.
Lifting her mantle, raising her hand,
turning her face towards us.
Surrounded by the heraldic emblems of the court -
lions, unicorns and rampant bears,
she is so beautiful and so rare
that this must be the most exceptional item of antiquity
in the whole of France.
It is, of course,
quite simply, priceless.
The tapestry was originally part of a triptych,
detailing many facets of courtly life.
There were numerous smaller depictions of "natura naturans" -
that is, "nature naturing".
Goats, donkeys, rabbits, sheep, even hedgeho...
CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS
Ah, yes, the morning run to school.
Wait a minute. There's no seatbelt back here.
In a crash, this boy could suffer cuts and grazes.
CRASH!
Before you take a child on a drive, stop. Are they secure in the back?
WHISTLES
Make sure you wedge them in tightly.
SMASH!
Back-seat child, remember...
Oh, what's up, fella?
I can't sleep.
Oh, come on, champ. Room for one more on top deck.
Is something up?
It's just sometimes when I can't sleep,
it's because I've got something on my mind.
Well, Mark Wollason says that if you kiss a girl, you can get an STD.
Wow, did he now?
Well, Mark Wollason, whoever he might be,
is talking complete rubbish.
You can't catch an STD from kissing.
Kissing is the simplest, purest, most enjoyable pleasure
a guy and a girl can share.
Tea-bagging, that'll give you an STD.
Yeah, as will bare-backing, gang-banging,
gunk-holing, threes-ups and BJs, they'll definitely give you an STD.
Spatchcocking, pole-vaulting, Russell-Branding, spit-spooning...
Yeah, piggy-hunting, flanging, spam-junking and dog-collaring.
Oddly enough, though, golden showers - absolutely fine.
Urine, you see?
Nature's antiseptic, and therefore completely safe to drink.
Come on. We've got a big weekend ahead of us.
You got rugby practice in the morning. Night, night.
Sleep well.
But she's only another 12 metres further up.
But look at the overhang. It would be suicide for us to even try that.
What are supposed to do? Leave her here?
Face it, Andy. You can't make that climb and I'm damn sure I can't.
Wait a minute. There's one man who can make that climb.
- Who? - Vince.
- He's a drunk. - Sure.
But before he crawled into a bottle,
he was the best damn climber in the country.
We can't, Jake. We can't put her life in Vince's hands.
I wish we had a choice.
Come on.
GRUNTS AND GASPS
Vince, you're the only person here who can make that climb.
I can't, I tell you. You of all people should know why.
It wasn't your fault Harry fell.
No. I was the one that tied the guide ropes.
I killed him as surely as if I'd cut that rope myself.
I've never told you this before...
You weren't the one responsible for Harry's death.
I was.
What?
It wasn't your knot in the guide rope that gave,
it was mine.
You?
And I let you take the blame.
I thought I had too much to lose.
I was a coward. I'm sorry.
Where is she?
Can you see her?
VINCE: I've got her.
Yes.
She's unconscious. Looks like her leg's broken.
But she's alive!
Ha! You beautiful bastard!
Stand by, I'm going to lower her down.
OK.
Oh!
THUMP!
You dropped her!
You dropped her, Vince.
What do you expect?
I've been drinking since 9 o'clock this morning.
Oh.
Oh, sod the lot of ya.
Now, Prince Harry's today been admitted
to the King Edward VII Hospital in Windsor
for what we believe to be a problem toe.
I'm joined this morning by our very own royal expert, Terry Devlin.
- Good morning, Terry. - Good morning to you, Peter.
Terry, you've been a friend, some would say a confidant,
of the Royal Family for a number of years.
Can you give us an insight into what's been happening this morning?
IRISH ACCENT: Oh, yes, Peter.
Well, the prince will have been conveyed to the medical premises
by car or, if the injury was deemed serious enough, by ambulance,
sometime well in advance of the 10.15 start of the procedure -
possibly around 10.00, 9.30, maybe, on the safe side,
belt and braces, 9.00.
Right. And can Harry expect a visit from the Queen today or...?
Oh, yes, he could indeed be visited by Her Majesty
or, indeed, the Duke of Edinburgh,
Prince Charles, Prince of Wales,
his consort Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall,
the Princess Royal, Duke of York,
the Earl of Wessex, Duke of Kent,
Lady Sarah Chatto, formerly Armstrong-Jones,
Zara Phillips, her brother Peter Phillips,
maybe even Mike Tindall,
maybe Austin Healey,
or Danny Cipriani.
Good. Right, well, more on the prince and his problem toe in a few moments.
First, let's get the lowdown on that massacre in Riyadh.
Or Tom Parker Bowles.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the high point of our afternoon.
Joining us via live satellite link-up,
please welcome our keynote speaker, the CEO of Well Tech Corporation
and winner of this year's Albright Medal for services to global industry,
the one and only Karl Bronson.
Good afternoon, Karl.
I think you mean "good morning".
ALL LAUGH
What I'm about to tell you is hard to grasp.
Not because it's complicated but because it's so simple.
- Ponytail!
RETCHING
Is anybody there? Hello?
CHAIRMAN GASPS
A funny thing happened to me recently, Veal.
Indeed, sir?
I thought you might like to hear about it.
I know how fond you are of the comical incident.
Veritas saepe oculum dictum est, sir.
Quite.
So, I was driving back from the Idiot's Club the other evening,
after a particularly thorough dinner,
and I'd started humming one of Mr Berlin's finest to myself,
when I suddenly realised I had absolutely no idea where I was.
CHUCKLES
No, that's not the funny part, Veal.
No, sir?
That section makes me look quite the silly William.
Why would you think that was the funny part?
My apologies, sir.
Anyway, I espied an agreeable-looking cove ambulating along the P,
so I decided to pull up and ask him for directions.
But I didn't brake in time and I ran him over.
That's the funny part, Veal.
Is it, sir?
Oh, sorry, I'm a perfect endive-brain.
I omitted the crucial detail - he died instantly.
I'm still struggling to locate the precise nub of the drollery, sir.
Oh, come along, Veal.
Chap taking evening stroll, minding own business,
then seconds later, dead.
It's the farceur's Shangri-la.
Jerome K Jerome - "Thou shouldst be living at this hour".
I've just thought what I should have said to him after I killed him.
"No point asking you for directions now!"
Wish I'd thought of that at the time.
I believe our French cousins refer to that sentiment
as l'esprit de l'escal...
Oh, fuck off, Veal!
- Chicken or blow job, sir? - Sorry?
Would you like the chicken or the blow job?
- Er, blow job, please. - And for you, sir?
Chicken for me, please.
- There you go. - Thanks.
Actually, that does look rather good.
- Can I have the chicken as well? - Of course.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Advise me.
- You can't have too many cushions. - Yes.
- Glastonbury's gone too corporate. - Right.
- You don't see many milkmen nowadays. - No. No, you're right.
Scandinavians don't really know what to do in tapas bars.
- You won't get a dog on an escalator. - Understood.
- Beetroot's making a comeback. - What about sprouts?
- Never gonna happen. - Bugger.
- I'm just back from the zoo. - What was the best thing there?
- The camels. - Of course!
- Rocky V didn't really work. - Too late, I've seen it.
Model railways are more popular than ever.
- Uh-huh. - Nobody misses SodaStreams.
- Right. - Two pints of silver-top, sir.
Where the hell have you been?
Thanks, Bill. We must apologise again if you found any of those images disturbing.
It really is an appalling situation, really appalling.
News just in that Prince Harry's been discharged
from King Edward VII Hospital in Windsor,
following an operation for what we believe to be a foot injury.
With me is Terry Devlin, royal expert.
Terry, a privilege to have you here.
Oh, it's a great pleasure to be here.
I hope we're not keeping you from any royal duties.
Not today, no.
So, could you tell us... just give us a rough idea
of what the prince will be doing right now.
Yes, Peter, well, having been formally discharged as a patient,
the prince will be making his way to one of the royal households -
Clarence House, Balmoral, perhaps,
Windsor Castle or Highgrove,
Sandringham, Osborne House on the Isle of Wight,
Birkhall, the Queen Mother's private retreat near Balmoral,
Chequers, Castle Holyrood,
Alton Towers, good day out for all the family -
whereupon he would then be "in residence", as we call it.
And, in fact, I imagine he may very well be imminently having breakfast.
If not at this time, then very much, if you like, certainly around this time.
Any idea what that breakfast might consist of?
Well, of course, knowing the young Prince Harry like I do,
that very much depends.
If His Royal Highness were to feel that perhaps he might benefit
from a heartier, more protein-based breakfast,
then he could expect to be able to choose from, I don't know,
anything from sausages, bacon, beans, tomatoes.
- Eggs? - Oh, yes, yes, yes.
In my experience, eggs have long been part of the possible diet
of various members of the Royal Household over many, many generations.
Queen Victoria, as we know, for example, there's every reason to believe,
may have incorporated eggs into her official routine.
OK, but presumably they don't all sit round and tuck into a full English every day?
Oh, no, one might well imagine
that there might be perhaps a more continental option available.
Also, theoretically, muesli or other breakfast cereals
might also be part of the offering.
As, also, would be fruits of the kind many of us are familiar with ourselves.
Or presumably even just a piece of toast?
There's absolutely nothing to suggest that
that's not a very, very real possibility for the prince.
Or, just quickly, tea, coffee?
It could easily be either.
Or hot chocolate.
I see. More on that story later.
But first, more news on the harrowing aftermath of those Asian floods.
Or juice.
Mmm.
Mmm!
MOUTHS
Oh, it's an amazing view, isn't it?
Oh, it's just perfect, isn't it?
Oh, it's so lovely to have you all to myself.
The last six months I seem to have spent every day
talking to either my mum or your mum about bloody flower arrangements.
Or the theme for the pageboys' outfits.
- Oh, God. Was I a nightmare? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
Oh, but luckily, I love you.
Aloha!
- Jim. - Aloha.
- Aloha.
How are you, Jim? You had a good day?
Yeah, not bad. Today's the first day
I haven't thought about my wife doing a bunk
with the wedding DJ on the day of our wedding.
Oh, shit! Try again tomorrow.
- So sad. - Hey.
Never mind. Don't cry for me, Aunty Tina.
Life gave me lemons so I made lemonade.
"Dash of vodka in that lemonade, Jim?"
No, thanks. I don't like what it does to me.
Actually, hang on. Wait a minute, Jim.
I thought you were on the top floor. How come you're next to us?
Yeah, I got myself moved, didn't I?
I thought you'd prefer having a neighbour you knew,
not some fiery Latinos or some crude in-your-face Yanks
or some DJ playing records all night,
banging away till the early morning with somebody else's wife!
YAWNS
Well, we're pretty tired, Jim. I think we might turn in.
Oh, that's nice. I can't sleep, me, not like normal people do.
- Tell you what helps, though. - Camomile tea?
No. A Travel Boggle marathon.
- Hey! Can I come over? Right... - Well, careful, Jim.
It's OK, I've been over this a couple of times already.
Come on. Take a pew. It's like Scrabble, only not as stuck-up.
Um, listen, Jim. I think we're a bit too tired to play.
Oh, nonsense. It's easy. Come on. Look, here you are. Look.
"Bitch", "deceit", "betrayal", "adulterous", "conniving".
Look, there's "bitch" again. You can have those for free.
I can't see them, Jim.
Yeah, you can, Phil. You're just not looking hard enough.
"Oh, fancy a vodka, Jim?"
Don't mind if I do, Sal.
You've got a right royal cracker there, Phil.
- Oh, thanks. - Always check her texts, though.
Last thing you want is to find your wife pinioned to the floor of a Transit van
by the shimmering mullet of an oversexed wedding DJ.
Did I mention that happened to my wife?
Yeah, you did.
Yeah, that's right. Stick the knife in, Phil, you shithouse!
Oh, cheers, doll. Just pop it down there, would you?
Come on, then. Best of 30 games should see us through to sunrise.
Give it a shake, Phil!
"Help".
You'll have to forgive Fyffe if he seems a little distracted.
He's picked up an alarming new habit. Isn't that so, Fyffe?
- Hmm? - Pitiful, isn't it?
Why not tell the ladies and gentlemen
about this newly acquired and somewhat bizarre pastime.
I'm trying to learn a new word every day.
Extraordinary why anyone would wish to do that.
And what, may I ask, is today's word?
Well, it's very interesting.
I've discovered a Latin word for something I do every day for pleasure.
Goodness me.
Yes, it appears I'm a labeorphilist.
- And dare I ask what that involves? - I collect beer bottles.
Oh, I see.
I always assumed it was the contents that most interested you,
rather than the bottles.
LAUGHS
No, and of course, one has to be very careful with words.
Some people do get very tongue-tied.
I believe the Greeks call it "dyslexic".
And that, funnily enough, is what this next song is all about.
# A man of my acquaintance
# Had much suffering related
# To an irritating problem with his speech... #
BOTH: # Whereas most of us can say
# If we're not intoxicated
# That communication's well within our reach
# Now, this poor benighted soul
# Fell so often in a hole
# It really was a most annoying trait
BOTH: # He tried hard to get it fixed up
# But his letters got so mixed up
# And this is what we often heard him state
# I'm a rpick
# A cuffing rpick... #
What about this one? It's all right.
Oh, Andy. It's a bit dull.
- What about this one? - It's got writing on it.
I hate random things written on clothes. It's just pointless.
Look, it's the same price as the other one. You might as well.
It's more interesting.
Oh, is it? All right. OK.
What the hell are you doing up here?!
Sorry?
You'd better get down to the harbour right now, man!
What?
When you sign up for South Harbour Club Patrol, it means you're on 24-hours alert,
and right now you're needed!
No, I need to get to my yoga class.
You'll be yoga-ing with my boot up your arse
if you don't get down to South Harbour now!
Don't dawdle. Move!
HORN BLARES
Pick your knees up!
HORN BLARES
Ah, good. You're here at last. Make ready to fall in.
I think there's been a mistake.
Yeah, I've heard it all before. Now just join the others!
First time's always a bit weird.
Just keep your head down, don't answer back.
- I only wear this for the gardening. - Shut it, you, and start patrolling.
- Sorry, how do I patrol? - Don't.
Are you stupid as well as ugly?!
Walk up and down the harbour and deal with any harbour-based problems!
Such as?
What the bloody hell do you think?! Litter! Untidy ropes!
Loitering! Missing life-rings! Jetty repair!
FOGHORN BLARES
Somali pirates. Right...
Everyone, you know what to do. South Harbour must not fall!
- Go on! - Just grab a weapon or something.
Move it, move it!
Right. Attack!
SHOUTING
Harrowing pictures, I'm sure you'll agree. Simply harrowing.
Still with us, of course, giving us the inside track
on Prince Harry's alleged foot operation is royal expert Terry Devlin.
Terry, what would be the prince's state of mind at this time?
Well, Peter, certainly thoughts will be going through his head.
Right. Yep, yep.
Various different thoughts, in all probability.
Such as?
Such as, for example... Well, let's see - badgers, flowers,
the plight of Africa, football, how long do bees live for,
what kind of metal a pound coin's made of,
string and its tensile strength,
biros, birthdays and...quarrying?
You don't know, do you?
No...
What about this?
No.
This?
It doesn't look like the right size.
Um, this one's quite cool.
Are you sure you don't mind the caption? It's a bit sleazy.
I don't think people are going to read that.
OK.