1 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,280 RECORD CRACKLES 2 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:11,400 LIVELY JAZZY MUSIC 3 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,920 Welcome, everyone. 4 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,480 Now, before we get started, 5 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,040 I like to play a little getting-to-know-you game. So, going round the group, 6 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,720 I want you each to make two statements about yourself, 7 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,520 preferably both of them quite surprising, 8 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,320 one of which is true, OK? 9 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,200 And one is a lie. So, go on, really throw me a curve ball. 10 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,960 Kerry, do you mind starting? 11 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,560 Hmm, OK. Um... 12 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,160 Well, I've been out with Brad Pitt. 13 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,720 LAUGHTER 14 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,880 And I've swum with dolphins. 15 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,320 Oh, thank you, Kerry. 16 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,960 I don't think you'd have kept Brad to yourself for this long, 17 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,440 so, I'm guessing that's the lie. 18 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:14,280 OK, Lee, one weird truth and one funny lie, please. 19 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:19,280 I once slept with Angelina Jolie and I have a pet rat. 20 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,200 Very good. Very good, Lee. 21 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,920 I think we know which one's the lie there, don't we? 22 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,200 Howard? 23 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,840 Oh, OK, um... 24 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,480 I once slept with a Thai lady-boy... 25 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,200 ALL LAUGH 26 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,560 ...and I once slept with a Vietnamese lady-boy. 27 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,000 Bit too weird? 28 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,320 Have you heard about Chalkie? 29 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:49,640 He's a spy for, like, that lot we're fighting - the Germans or whatever. 30 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,240 No way? Chalkie, a spy? You mean Chalkie? 31 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,080 - Yeah, man, Chalkie. - Chalkie von Schmidt, a spy? 32 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,080 I swear down, he's been giving the Germans all, like, spoilers about the war and this. 33 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,400 Oh, my days. That is so two-faced. 34 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,264 He was caught nicking stuff from the group captain's briefcase 35 00:02:07,289 --> 00:02:08,920 and sending it to his nan in Berlin. 36 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,160 The group captain's well vexed, so our side - 37 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,680 that's the British or whatever are going to, like, totally shoot him up. 38 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,120 Harsh. 39 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,960 But the worst thing, right... 40 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,520 - Do you know what's the worst thing? - No, what's the worst thing? 41 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,720 The worst thing is, I thought Chalkie was my main homeboy. 42 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,160 Now it turns out he's Hitler's homeboy. 43 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,160 I reckon him and Hitler have been talking about me behind my back. 44 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,880 Right? Chalkie's your main homeboy? 45 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,080 Yeah, I feel well betrayed. 46 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,560 Spies are so fake. 47 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,320 Why can't people just be themselves? 48 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,000 The thing about me is I'm just myself and that's who I am, right? 49 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,320 And if you don't like that, deal with it, girlfriend, cos that's who I am. 50 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:46,943 Anyway, I'm going to go to the mess 51 00:02:46,968 --> 00:02:49,424 and get all, like, a cup of tea or some shit like that. 52 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,720 - Can I get you anything? - No, no, I'm fine. 53 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,560 - You all right, man? - Yep. 54 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,600 It's just I thought I was your main homeboy, isn't it? 55 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,000 Harsh. 56 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,040 So, if we're going to make some snowflakes, what else are we going to need? 57 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,080 Card? 58 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,560 Well, we've got our card, haven't we? 59 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,040 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, oh, I know. 60 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,520 - I know. - Go on, then, Righty. 61 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:15,720 Scissors. 62 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,480 Yeah. We've got our scissors here, though. 63 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,120 - Um... - Um... 64 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,160 Well, what about some glitter? 65 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,800 Oh, yes, glitter, glitter. 66 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,280 And maybe some glue? 67 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,240 Oh, yes, glue. Sticky, sticky glue. 68 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,840 All right, Righty, you get the glitter. 69 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,880 - I will, yes. - Lefty, you go and get the glue. 70 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,640 - Yes, I will. OK. - On you go, then. 71 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,520 Kill them. 72 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,520 BAROQUE CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS 73 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,760 I'm standing on the famous mahogany inlaid floor 74 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,920 of the banqueting hall in the Chateau de Vincennes 75 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:57,560 in order to view a truly extraordinary item - 76 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:02,080 the only surviving panel of the St Germain tapestry, 77 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,160 the finest emblem ever created 78 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,560 in praise of that most original medieval notion - 79 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,200 the ideal of courtly love. 80 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:17,440 Just look at this glorious embodiment of chastity. 81 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,280 Lifting her mantle, raising her hand, 82 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,840 turning her face towards us. 83 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:27,080 Surrounded by the heraldic emblems of the court - 84 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,840 lions, unicorns and rampant bears, 85 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:34,720 she is so beautiful and so rare 86 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,360 that this must be the most exceptional item of antiquity 87 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,120 in the whole of France. 88 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,800 It is, of course, 89 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,720 quite simply, priceless. 90 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,080 The tapestry was originally part of a triptych, 91 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:57,000 detailing many facets of courtly life. 92 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,320 There were numerous smaller depictions of "natura naturans" - 93 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,280 that is, "nature naturing". 94 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:07,160 Goats, donkeys, rabbits, sheep, even hedgeho... 95 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,880 CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS 96 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,880 Ah, yes, the morning run to school. 97 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,680 Wait a minute. There's no seatbelt back here. 98 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,920 In a crash, this boy could suffer cuts and grazes. 99 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,240 CRASH! 100 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:50,200 Before you take a child on a drive, stop. Are they secure in the back? 101 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,680 WHISTLES 102 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,160 Make sure you wedge them in tightly. 103 00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,720 SMASH! 104 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,560 Back-seat child, remember... 105 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,400 Oh, what's up, fella? 106 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,000 I can't sleep. 107 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,240 Oh, come on, champ. Room for one more on top deck. 108 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,320 Is something up? 109 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,320 It's just sometimes when I can't sleep, 110 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,360 it's because I've got something on my mind. 111 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,280 Well, Mark Wollason says that if you kiss a girl, you can get an STD. 112 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:31,320 Wow, did he now? 113 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:35,000 Well, Mark Wollason, whoever he might be, 114 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,520 is talking complete rubbish. 115 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,600 You can't catch an STD from kissing. 116 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:43,200 Kissing is the simplest, purest, most enjoyable pleasure 117 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,960 a guy and a girl can share. 118 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,520 Tea-bagging, that'll give you an STD. 119 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,240 Yeah, as will bare-backing, gang-banging, 120 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,440 gunk-holing, threes-ups and BJs, they'll definitely give you an STD. 121 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:02,200 Spatchcocking, pole-vaulting, Russell-Branding, spit-spooning... 122 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:07,400 Yeah, piggy-hunting, flanging, spam-junking and dog-collaring. 123 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:11,520 Oddly enough, though, golden showers - absolutely fine. 124 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,000 Urine, you see? 125 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,680 Nature's antiseptic, and therefore completely safe to drink. 126 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,280 Come on. We've got a big weekend ahead of us. 127 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,400 You got rugby practice in the morning. Night, night. 128 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,320 Sleep well. 129 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,960 But she's only another 12 metres further up. 130 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:38,160 But look at the overhang. It would be suicide for us to even try that. 131 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,920 What are supposed to do? Leave her here? 132 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,880 Face it, Andy. You can't make that climb and I'm damn sure I can't. 133 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:49,040 Wait a minute. There's one man who can make that climb. 134 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,760 - Who? - Vince. 135 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,360 - He's a drunk. - Sure. 136 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,040 But before he crawled into a bottle, 137 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,320 he was the best damn climber in the country. 138 00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,720 We can't, Jake. We can't put her life in Vince's hands. 139 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,800 I wish we had a choice. 140 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,040 Come on. 141 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,840 GRUNTS AND GASPS 142 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,800 Vince, you're the only person here who can make that climb. 143 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:18,760 I can't, I tell you. You of all people should know why. 144 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,440 It wasn't your fault Harry fell. 145 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:27,120 No. I was the one that tied the guide ropes. 146 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:31,480 I killed him as surely as if I'd cut that rope myself. 147 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,760 I've never told you this before... 148 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,480 You weren't the one responsible for Harry's death. 149 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,200 I was. 150 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,480 What? 151 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,560 It wasn't your knot in the guide rope that gave, 152 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,680 it was mine. 153 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,400 You? 154 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,400 And I let you take the blame. 155 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,440 I thought I had too much to lose. 156 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,080 I was a coward. I'm sorry. 157 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,040 Where is she? 158 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,760 Can you see her? 159 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,240 VINCE: I've got her. 160 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:16,480 Yes. 161 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,200 She's unconscious. Looks like her leg's broken. 162 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,920 But she's alive! 163 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,600 Ha! You beautiful bastard! 164 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,880 Stand by, I'm going to lower her down. 165 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,200 OK. 166 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,400 Oh! 167 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,600 THUMP! 168 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,880 You dropped her! 169 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,320 You dropped her, Vince. 170 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,480 What do you expect? 171 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,200 I've been drinking since 9 o'clock this morning. 172 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,360 Oh. 173 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,000 Oh, sod the lot of ya. 174 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,600 Now, Prince Harry's today been admitted 175 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,960 to the King Edward VII Hospital in Windsor 176 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,640 for what we believe to be a problem toe. 177 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:13,080 I'm joined this morning by our very own royal expert, Terry Devlin. 178 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,600 - Good morning, Terry. - Good morning to you, Peter. 179 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,040 Terry, you've been a friend, some would say a confidant, 180 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,760 of the Royal Family for a number of years. 181 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,680 Can you give us an insight into what's been happening this morning? 182 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:26,320 IRISH ACCENT: Oh, yes, Peter. 183 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,440 Well, the prince will have been conveyed to the medical premises 184 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:34,040 by car or, if the injury was deemed serious enough, by ambulance, 185 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,800 sometime well in advance of the 10.15 start of the procedure - 186 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,360 possibly around 10.00, 9.30, maybe, on the safe side, 187 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,040 belt and braces, 9.00. 188 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:49,280 Right. And can Harry expect a visit from the Queen today or...? 189 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,040 Oh, yes, he could indeed be visited by Her Majesty 190 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,320 or, indeed, the Duke of Edinburgh, 191 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,000 Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, 192 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,360 his consort Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, 193 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,280 the Princess Royal, Duke of York, 194 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,280 the Earl of Wessex, Duke of Kent, 195 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,440 Lady Sarah Chatto, formerly Armstrong-Jones, 196 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,280 Zara Phillips, her brother Peter Phillips, 197 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,480 maybe even Mike Tindall, 198 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,840 maybe Austin Healey, 199 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,560 or Danny Cipriani. 200 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,760 Good. Right, well, more on the prince and his problem toe in a few moments. 201 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,200 First, let's get the lowdown on that massacre in Riyadh. 202 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,280 Or Tom Parker Bowles. 203 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:34,360 Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the high point of our afternoon. 204 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,400 Joining us via live satellite link-up, 205 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,200 please welcome our keynote speaker, the CEO of Well Tech Corporation 206 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,480 and winner of this year's Albright Medal for services to global industry, 207 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,680 the one and only Karl Bronson. 208 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,640 Good afternoon, Karl. 209 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,560 I think you mean "good morning". 210 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,920 ALL LAUGH 211 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,400 What I'm about to tell you is hard to grasp. 212 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,520 Not because it's complicated but because it's so simple. 213 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:20,800 - Ponytail! 214 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,680 RETCHING 215 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:30,000 Is anybody there? Hello? 216 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,800 CHAIRMAN GASPS 217 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,520 A funny thing happened to me recently, Veal. 218 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:38,560 Indeed, sir? 219 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,200 I thought you might like to hear about it. 220 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,320 I know how fond you are of the comical incident. 221 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,040 Veritas saepe oculum dictum est, sir. 222 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,640 Quite. 223 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,501 So, I was driving back from the Idiot's Club the other evening, 224 00:12:49,526 --> 00:12:51,200 after a particularly thorough dinner, 225 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,040 and I'd started humming one of Mr Berlin's finest to myself, 226 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,840 when I suddenly realised I had absolutely no idea where I was. 227 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,280 CHUCKLES 228 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,120 No, that's not the funny part, Veal. 229 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,720 No, sir? 230 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,760 That section makes me look quite the silly William. 231 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,480 Why would you think that was the funny part? 232 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,720 My apologies, sir. 233 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,200 Anyway, I espied an agreeable-looking cove ambulating along the P, 234 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,280 so I decided to pull up and ask him for directions. 235 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,600 But I didn't brake in time and I ran him over. 236 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,720 That's the funny part, Veal. 237 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,280 Is it, sir? 238 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,760 Oh, sorry, I'm a perfect endive-brain. 239 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,760 I omitted the crucial detail - he died instantly. 240 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,120 I'm still struggling to locate the precise nub of the drollery, sir. 241 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,800 Oh, come along, Veal. 242 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,000 Chap taking evening stroll, minding own business, 243 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,040 then seconds later, dead. 244 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,640 It's the farceur's Shangri-la. 245 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,400 Jerome K Jerome - "Thou shouldst be living at this hour". 246 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,920 I've just thought what I should have said to him after I killed him. 247 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,440 "No point asking you for directions now!" 248 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,720 Wish I'd thought of that at the time. 249 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,360 I believe our French cousins refer to that sentiment 250 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:55,960 as l'esprit de l'escal... 251 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,400 Oh, fuck off, Veal! 252 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,080 - Chicken or blow job, sir? - Sorry? 253 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,720 Would you like the chicken or the blow job? 254 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,440 - Er, blow job, please. - And for you, sir? 255 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,840 Chicken for me, please. 256 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,080 - There you go. - Thanks. 257 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,120 Actually, that does look rather good. 258 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,440 - Can I have the chicken as well? - Of course. 259 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:26,680 Mmm. 260 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,280 Mmm! 261 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:31,920 Advise me. 262 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,560 - You can't have too many cushions. - Yes. 263 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,400 - Glastonbury's gone too corporate. - Right. 264 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,840 - You don't see many milkmen nowadays. - No. No, you're right. 265 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,120 Scandinavians don't really know what to do in tapas bars. 266 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,000 - You won't get a dog on an escalator. - Understood. 267 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,160 - Beetroot's making a comeback. - What about sprouts? 268 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,560 - Never gonna happen. - Bugger. 269 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,600 - I'm just back from the zoo. - What was the best thing there? 270 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:48,920 - The camels. - Of course! 271 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,080 - Rocky V didn't really work. - Too late, I've seen it. 272 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,880 Model railways are more popular than ever. 273 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,560 - Uh-huh. - Nobody misses SodaStreams. 274 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,200 - Right. - Two pints of silver-top, sir. 275 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,840 Where the hell have you been? 276 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,400 Thanks, Bill. We must apologise again if you found any of those images disturbing. 277 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,840 It really is an appalling situation, really appalling. 278 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,080 News just in that Prince Harry's been discharged 279 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,880 from King Edward VII Hospital in Windsor, 280 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,040 following an operation for what we believe to be a foot injury. 281 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,320 With me is Terry Devlin, royal expert. 282 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,800 Terry, a privilege to have you here. 283 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,800 Oh, it's a great pleasure to be here. 284 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,880 I hope we're not keeping you from any royal duties. 285 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,440 Not today, no. 286 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,960 So, could you tell us... just give us a rough idea 287 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,200 of what the prince will be doing right now. 288 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,520 Yes, Peter, well, having been formally discharged as a patient, 289 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,640 the prince will be making his way to one of the royal households - 290 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,880 Clarence House, Balmoral, perhaps, 291 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,560 Windsor Castle or Highgrove, 292 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:53,160 Sandringham, Osborne House on the Isle of Wight, 293 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,040 Birkhall, the Queen Mother's private retreat near Balmoral, 294 00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,080 Chequers, Castle Holyrood, 295 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:05,680 Alton Towers, good day out for all the family - 296 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:10,480 whereupon he would then be "in residence", as we call it. 297 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,760 And, in fact, I imagine he may very well be imminently having breakfast. 298 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:18,680 If not at this time, then very much, if you like, certainly around this time. 299 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,080 Any idea what that breakfast might consist of? 300 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,640 Well, of course, knowing the young Prince Harry like I do, 301 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,240 that very much depends. 302 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,920 If His Royal Highness were to feel that perhaps he might benefit 303 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,120 from a heartier, more protein-based breakfast, 304 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,240 then he could expect to be able to choose from, I don't know, 305 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,960 anything from sausages, bacon, beans, tomatoes. 306 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,240 - Eggs? - Oh, yes, yes, yes. 307 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,520 In my experience, eggs have long been part of the possible diet 308 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:48,640 of various members of the Royal Household over many, many generations. 309 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,640 Queen Victoria, as we know, for example, there's every reason to believe, 310 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,440 may have incorporated eggs into her official routine. 311 00:18:56,440 --> 00:19:00,400 OK, but presumably they don't all sit round and tuck into a full English every day? 312 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,840 Oh, no, one might well imagine 313 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,960 that there might be perhaps a more continental option available. 314 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:10,360 Also, theoretically, muesli or other breakfast cereals 315 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,400 might also be part of the offering. 316 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:17,440 As, also, would be fruits of the kind many of us are familiar with ourselves. 317 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,120 Or presumably even just a piece of toast? 318 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,298 There's absolutely nothing to suggest that 319 00:19:22,323 --> 00:19:25,144 that's not a very, very real possibility for the prince. 320 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,760 Or, just quickly, tea, coffee? 321 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,680 It could easily be either. 322 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,920 Or hot chocolate. 323 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,400 I see. More on that story later. 324 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,480 But first, more news on the harrowing aftermath of those Asian floods. 325 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,520 Or juice. 326 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,200 Mmm. 327 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,440 Mmm! 328 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,080 MOUTHS 329 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,480 Oh, it's an amazing view, isn't it? 330 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,680 Oh, it's just perfect, isn't it? 331 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,880 Oh, it's so lovely to have you all to myself. 332 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,840 The last six months I seem to have spent every day 333 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,520 talking to either my mum or your mum about bloody flower arrangements. 334 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,160 Or the theme for the pageboys' outfits. 335 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,800 - Oh, God. Was I a nightmare? - Yes. 336 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,400 LAUGHTER 337 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,240 Oh, but luckily, I love you. 338 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:51,800 Aloha! 339 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,840 - Jim. - Aloha. 340 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,680 - Aloha. - Aloha. 341 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,960 How are you, Jim? You had a good day? 342 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,760 Yeah, not bad. Today's the first day 343 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,990 I haven't thought about my wife doing a bunk 344 00:21:02,015 --> 00:21:04,320 with the wedding DJ on the day of our wedding. 345 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:07,680 Oh, shit! Try again tomorrow. 346 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,760 - So sad. - Hey. 347 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,600 Never mind. Don't cry for me, Aunty Tina. 348 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,640 Life gave me lemons so I made lemonade. 349 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,520 "Dash of vodka in that lemonade, Jim?" 350 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,760 No, thanks. I don't like what it does to me. 351 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,120 Actually, hang on. Wait a minute, Jim. 352 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,880 I thought you were on the top floor. How come you're next to us? 353 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,360 Yeah, I got myself moved, didn't I? 354 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,560 I thought you'd prefer having a neighbour you knew, 355 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,280 not some fiery Latinos or some crude in-your-face Yanks 356 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,120 or some DJ playing records all night, 357 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,440 banging away till the early morning with somebody else's wife! 358 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,560 YAWNS 359 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,800 Well, we're pretty tired, Jim. I think we might turn in. 360 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,200 Oh, that's nice. I can't sleep, me, not like normal people do. 361 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,160 - Tell you what helps, though. - Camomile tea? 362 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,840 No. A Travel Boggle marathon. 363 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:57,000 - Hey! Can I come over? Right... - Well, careful, Jim. 364 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,560 It's OK, I've been over this a couple of times already. 365 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,440 Come on. Take a pew. It's like Scrabble, only not as stuck-up. 366 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,200 Um, listen, Jim. I think we're a bit too tired to play. 367 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,560 Oh, nonsense. It's easy. Come on. Look, here you are. Look. 368 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:14,920 "Bitch", "deceit", "betrayal", "adulterous", "conniving". 369 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,640 Look, there's "bitch" again. You can have those for free. 370 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:18,960 I can't see them, Jim. 371 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,320 Yeah, you can, Phil. You're just not looking hard enough. 372 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,560 "Oh, fancy a vodka, Jim?" 373 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,160 Don't mind if I do, Sal. 374 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,040 You've got a right royal cracker there, Phil. 375 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,920 - Oh, thanks. - Always check her texts, though. 376 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,680 Last thing you want is to find your wife pinioned to the floor of a Transit van 377 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:41,120 by the shimmering mullet of an oversexed wedding DJ. 378 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:42,840 Did I mention that happened to my wife? 379 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,600 Yeah, you did. 380 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,320 Yeah, that's right. Stick the knife in, Phil, you shithouse! 381 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:51,200 Oh, cheers, doll. Just pop it down there, would you? 382 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:55,480 Come on, then. Best of 30 games should see us through to sunrise. 383 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,200 Give it a shake, Phil! 384 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,480 "Help". 385 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,680 You'll have to forgive Fyffe if he seems a little distracted. 386 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,840 He's picked up an alarming new habit. Isn't that so, Fyffe? 387 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,920 - Hmm? - Pitiful, isn't it? 388 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,680 Why not tell the ladies and gentlemen 389 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,360 about this newly acquired and somewhat bizarre pastime. 390 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:19,080 I'm trying to learn a new word every day. 391 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,480 Extraordinary why anyone would wish to do that. 392 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,120 And what, may I ask, is today's word? 393 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,680 Well, it's very interesting. 394 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,080 I've discovered a Latin word for something I do every day for pleasure. 395 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,800 Goodness me. 396 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,800 Yes, it appears I'm a labeorphilist. 397 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,320 - And dare I ask what that involves? - I collect beer bottles. 398 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:39,480 Oh, I see. 399 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,120 I always assumed it was the contents that most interested you, 400 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,600 rather than the bottles. 401 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,400 LAUGHS 402 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,760 No, and of course, one has to be very careful with words. 403 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,680 Some people do get very tongue-tied. 404 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,040 I believe the Greeks call it "dyslexic". 405 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,520 And that, funnily enough, is what this next song is all about. 406 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,600 # A man of my acquaintance 407 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,240 # Had much suffering related 408 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,160 # To an irritating problem with his speech... # 409 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,600 BOTH: # Whereas most of us can say 410 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,120 # If we're not intoxicated 411 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,360 # That communication's well within our reach 412 00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,080 # Now, this poor benighted soul 413 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,800 # Fell so often in a hole 414 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,880 # It really was a most annoying trait 415 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,560 BOTH: # He tried hard to get it fixed up 416 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,600 # But his letters got so mixed up 417 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,880 # And this is what we often heard him state 418 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,600 # I'm a rpick 419 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,120 # A cuffing rpick... # 420 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,880 What about this one? It's all right. 421 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,040 Oh, Andy. It's a bit dull. 422 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,160 - What about this one? - It's got writing on it. 423 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,640 I hate random things written on clothes. It's just pointless. 424 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,520 Look, it's the same price as the other one. You might as well. 425 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:54,840 It's more interesting. 426 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,840 Oh, is it? All right. OK. 427 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,360 What the hell are you doing up here?! 428 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,560 Sorry? 429 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,040 You'd better get down to the harbour right now, man! 430 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,560 What? 431 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:14,480 When you sign up for South Harbour Club Patrol, it means you're on 24-hours alert, 432 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,920 and right now you're needed! 433 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,360 No, I need to get to my yoga class. 434 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,280 You'll be yoga-ing with my boot up your arse 435 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,360 if you don't get down to South Harbour now! 436 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,880 Don't dawdle. Move! 437 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,040 HORN BLARES 438 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,040 Pick your knees up! 439 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,120 HORN BLARES 440 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:39,840 Ah, good. You're here at last. Make ready to fall in. 441 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,720 I think there's been a mistake. 442 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,440 Yeah, I've heard it all before. Now just join the others! 443 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:51,760 First time's always a bit weird. 444 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,640 Just keep your head down, don't answer back. 445 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:58,840 - I only wear this for the gardening. - Shut it, you, and start patrolling. 446 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,560 - Sorry, how do I patrol? - Don't. 447 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,600 Are you stupid as well as ugly?! 448 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:09,720 Walk up and down the harbour and deal with any harbour-based problems! 449 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:10,880 Such as? 450 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:15,560 What the bloody hell do you think?! Litter! Untidy ropes! 451 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:21,200 Loitering! Missing life-rings! Jetty repair! 452 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,600 FOGHORN BLARES 453 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,680 Somali pirates. Right... 454 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:31,160 Everyone, you know what to do. South Harbour must not fall! 455 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,240 - Go on! - Just grab a weapon or something. 456 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,640 Move it, move it! 457 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,280 Right. Attack! 458 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,240 SHOUTING 459 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,880 Harrowing pictures, I'm sure you'll agree. Simply harrowing. 460 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:53,240 Still with us, of course, giving us the inside track 461 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:57,920 on Prince Harry's alleged foot operation is royal expert Terry Devlin. 462 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:02,440 Terry, what would be the prince's state of mind at this time? 463 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:08,000 Well, Peter, certainly thoughts will be going through his head. 464 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,960 Right. Yep, yep. 465 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,080 Various different thoughts, in all probability. 466 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,120 Such as? 467 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:20,080 Such as, for example... Well, let's see - badgers, flowers, 468 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:24,280 the plight of Africa, football, how long do bees live for, 469 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,760 what kind of metal a pound coin's made of, 470 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,880 string and its tensile strength, 471 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:35,760 biros, birthdays and...quarrying? 472 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,360 You don't know, do you? 473 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,640 No... 474 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:12,800 What about this? 475 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,000 No. 476 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,360 This? 477 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:23,480 It doesn't look like the right size. 478 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,120 Um, this one's quite cool. 479 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,120 Are you sure you don't mind the caption? It's a bit sleazy. 480 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:31,480 I don't think people are going to read that. 481 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,480 OK.