RECORD CRACKLES
LIVELY JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS
Mark. Mark Adams? It is, isn't it?
Um...Mick. Mick Murray.
Minty, second row, first 15. Well, once. Second 15.
Minty. My God! My God!
Yeah. How extraordinary. Still playing the trumpet?
Er, no. No trumpet.
A long time ago, all that, you know?
You're telling me. God, you look great.
You haven't changed a bit, all that hair. Escaped the recession.
Yeah. Yeah. And you, you look...
I mean, what is it?
I mean, what are you? I mean, how are you?
Yeah, I'm really OK.
Um, pretty hellish couple of years, but...
God, yeah, I mean, what caused it?
Well, the credit crunch.
Yeah, I lost my job in the city, which is a bit tedious.
But now I've just started a new vocation as -
wait for it - an English teacher. LAUGHS
A teacher? In front of children? Yeah, it's quite a shock, isn't it?
Absolutely grotesque.
Um, yeah, well, it's going really well.
Anyway, I've got to run, but listen, what a thing.
Yeah. Who'd have thought? I know. Yeah. Cheers.
Oh, my God, it's Mark, isn't it?
Oh, for Pete's sake!
MAN: Everybody likes a drink.
Goodnight, Eddie.
But on occasion, you can have too much of a good thing.
If you are drunk and you're in charge of a motor vehicle, stop.
Be safe. And drive slowly.
It can make all the difference.
As we prepare to face, again, the might of the Luftwaffe,
I know it must be difficult for you
with so many more empty places in the mess this morning,
but we will fight on to the glory of our fallen colleagues.
Courage, gentlemen. Good flying, good luck.
You know powdered egg? Yes.
It's gay as.
Isn't it? It's well rank, blud.
Why can't they let us have proper eggs,
like from a chicken or parrot or some shit like that?
I know, it's like they're trying to poison us with powder.
Why is it powdered, man?
You don't get powdered milk. You kind of do, though.
Yeah, but you know what I mean.
I've told the Group Captain I'm not eating powdered egg any more,
because I'm, like, a vegan, and he has to respect my human right to be a vegan.
Yeah, but you still eat sausages and bacon and whatever.
Yeah, I'm not a wanker about it.
I think I has an allergy to that bully beef they give us.
Is it, though? For sho'.
I get, like, this really bad reaction and shit.
Like with peanuts where your throat swells up
and you get a rash or eczema or dyslexia or whatever?
No, I get like this really rank taste in my mouth.
That's bad, man. You should tell them. You should tell them that, though.
Then if they ever make you eat it again, that's actually abuse.
Yeah, cos you know Ginger?
Ginger Rogers? No, Ginger who you know.
The brother of the guy we met at that thing that time,
when you was there and I was there.
Oh, yeah, him, the one that I know. That's him.
Cos he was an allergic
and I reckon the dinner ladies murdered him with powdered egg.
Cos he was, like, really badly lactose-intolerant.
And then he just died.
Yeah.
You don't think what killed him was being shot down over Holland?
Might have been a bit of that as well.
Sir. Sir. Don't come any closer.
Please, sir, you're making a big mistake.
I loved her. She took everything from me.
No, sir, you don't understand.
We're carrying out essential engineering work on this line.
No trains are running through this station.
We are, however, operating a replacement bus service.
THUD!
What's the story? Tomatoes are fruit, not veg.
Gotcha.
Gary Lineker can't say "hypothesis". Ah, knew it.
Unhappy pigeons commit suicide. Good for them.
I'm dressed inappropriately, sir. Well done.
Eat a polar bear's liver, you'll die. Uh-huh.
Mickey Mouse is named after Mickey Rooney.
Then who the hell's Wayne Rooney? I'll check, sir.
Come on, people!
Dogs cause snoring in children. Fair enough.
The best thing about Alton Towers is Oblivion.
What's the worst thing? Come on, think.
The queuing?
Tell him, Susan. It's the wasps.
It's the wasps, Declan. The bloody wasps!
So, is that the 128 megabyte memory card, or the 256?
128.
Good, well, that's all very straightforward.
Should have those ready for you in about an hour.
I would normally say go and have a quick mosey around the shops,
but Wednesday is half-day closing round here.
Um, hey, here's a thought.
I'm just about to take the lunchtime service,
you could stay for that
and then pick up your photographs afterwards if you like.
Um, oh...
No, I'll just have a wander round, look in the shop windows.
Yes, good, good idea.
See you... See you in about an hour, then.
All the instructions are written on the docket.
Very good.
Oh, I can't believe that we're here in this paradise
and I've got you all to myself.
Finally. Finally.
Aloha!
Hey, Jim.
Hi, Jim. How's it going?
Yeah, great, fantastic. I'm as happy as a dog with two dicks.
I sometimes think my wife running off with the DJ at our wedding reception
was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sometimes, I think that.
Most of the time, I just sit on my haunches
rocking backwards and forwards, staring at the wall
singing Three Blind Mice to myself over and over again.
Hey, still, no wife, no strife, eh?
Yeah. No offence, love.
Her face, honestly.
So, what have you been up to today, then, Jim?
Oh, well, I had quite a nice afternoon, actually. Yeah.
I watched that Ryan's Daughter on the film channel.
Oh, that sounds like a good thing to do.
Yeah, it was really funny,
'cause when it got to that bit where she goes off with the soldier,
I was thinking, "Don't kiss him," and before I knew it,
I'd wrenched the TV set off the wall and chucked it in the bath!
Sparks and everything, you know?
So don't tell me what happened. Yeah?
You had a nice day? Yeah.
We've just been sitting here having cocktails,
discussing our wedding reception.
Can we get you another drink, Jim?
To be quite honest, Sally, one's enough for me.
Any more plays havoc with my medication.
Yeah.
On the other hand, it is my honeymoon, so what the hell?
Tell you what, I'll have the wife's as well.
Oi, Gunga Din, yeah.
Can I have two Honolulu Hammers over here please, yeah?
I'll keep the furniture. There you go.
Well, Jim, I have to say, I think you are incredibly brave.
Well, you know what I always say - never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Though you should always keep an eye on her Facebook friends, eh?
LAUGHS The bitch!
But that's far from my mind when I'm in this paradise. Yes.
You've got to laugh, haven't you? Life's just nuts, isn't it?
Yeah...Don't interrupt me, you know.
I mean, I could say to myself, "Oh, no, boo hoo hoo," you know?
Life's dealt me a duff hand, but I'm bigger than that.
Yeah, well, it's good to move on.
Yeah, Phil, easy for you to say, you shithouse!
The enduring memory of your wedding day
isn't the thrusting pimply buttocks of Matt Dugdale
being cupped by the French-manicured fingers of your newlywed bride!
Talk about something borrowed!
Graeme, I just wanted a quick word.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I've just severed all my links with my friends and family
and transferred the last of my assets
over to His Divine Father of our Better Tomorrow, which is all great.
I suppose I just wanted to double-check.
Um...
...this isn't a cult, is it?
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Here, you're doing a great job, mate. You've got the vibe just right.
Oh, thanks. You're taking our energy, giving it back to us.
Nicely done, my friend. Cheers.
Fancy a pill?
No, ta. It gets in the way, affects my judgement.
Mind if I have yours?
HIGH-ENERGY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING That's what I'm talking about!
Whoo!
That is sweet, man.
You're... you're taking us on a journey, you're bringing us home.
You got a name yet?
No, I haven't thought about it.
I'm giving it to you.
You are...the Young Master.
Mr Wilkinson!
What?
It's Michael from Accounts.
Oh. Michael. Yes, hello. Hi.
Didn't know you was into clubbing.
I'm not. I was just dropping my daughter off.
But it's 6.00 in the morning. Picking her up. Yeah.
Ooh! Oh, I feel a bit funny.
It might be those pills. No, no, no, no.
Those were for my irritable bowel.
Yeah.
Great set, Mike.
Look, Annie, it's Mr Wilkinson from work.
Oh. Hello.
Are you here for Dean's birthday as well?
No.
No, I was just telling Michael, I was dropping my daughter off.
Picking her up.
Sorry, can I have a sip of your water?
GRUNTS That's better.
Gets awfully hot in these places, doesn't it?
Well, that's me done for the night.
Let's go dance.
Coming, Mr Wilkinson?
No, no, no, I'm much too old for that.
You...you young people go and enjoy yourselves.
Anyway, I've got to catch my train in an hour.
Oh, come on, just one.
GROANS Whoo!
Yep! Just a quick one.
Whoo!
That's it, you're OK. You're all right, you're OK.
You'll be fine, Mr Wilkinson.
Train's not here for another four minutes.
Time to walk it off.
My name is Dr Tia.
I live in Botswana, saving lives.
Do you?
I've just performed an operation
in the most dangerous location on God's good earth -
the inside of a lion's mouth.
I was removing an obstruction -
Putunkswe, my houseboy.
My only tranquilliser was a Celtic lullaby
and the tools I used...were these.
These proud hands know no tenderness.
Africa is my wife
and she'll brook me no mistress.
SNIFFS
SPITS
Africa.
So you'd like the hide kept in one piece,
steaks from the rump and legs and the offal in a bag.
That's right, Reverend.
We should have that done for you in about 45 minutes, maybe an hour.
I notice from our newsletter
that the Women's Institute is exhibiting a display of crochet
in the village hall.
Oh, no, that's really not my cup of tea at all, Reverend.
Hey, here's a thought.
I'm just about to take the lunchtime service.
You could stay for that,
and then all your meat would be ready for you straight afterwards.
Maybe I will just poke my head in the crochet exhibition,
see what it's like.
Yes, good idea.
There, Agnes, a stag to be butchered.
Marvellous.
You know, I mean, then they asked us to do this gig in Beijing
and we're like, "Hell, why not?"
I mean, 1.3 billion people - it's not a bad potential market, you know?
I'm really excited about it.
It feels like we've broken internationally.
Oh, wow, that's incredible.
God, I knew I should have stuck with the guitar.
Well, look, you must come to the gig.
I mean, what's your name? I'll stick you on the guest list.
That would be incredible. Let me just grab a pen.
Yeah, it's Paul...
Ponytail!
OK, off you go.
My name is Youssef Khan.
By the time you see this video,
I will have become a martyr for all our people
who have suffered pain and injustice at the hands of Western devils.
My name is Ali Nazri.
To our families, know that what we did,
we did in an effort to highlight the plight
of our brothers and sisters around the world
suppressed by those forces
which continue to wreak destruction against us.
Um, ooh. Christ, sorry, can I just check?
Um, this isn't a terrorist sleeper cell, is it?
So that's the Xeron laptop
with 256 megs of RAM and a 1.8 gig processor.
Great.
You do know if you spend £80 more,
you get the model with the dual processor?
Sorry, I'm not really very clued up about these things.
Everything will run much faster.
It won't take forever to boot up programmes.
It'll load nearly twice as fast. Right, and that's £80, is it?
If you ask me, it's definitely worth it.
You don't want it running slow. Yeah, OK, then.
The other thing I'd recommend is getting a faster wireless card.
The thing is, I sort of promised myself I'd stick to a budget
and, you know, I'm getting the dual thing, so...
In six months' time, this card might be standard.
You don't want to regret not getting it.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right. Yeah, I'll get that too, then.
We are currently offering a discount on the lettuce upgrade.
Sorry, I don't... Have you not seen it?
Take a look at this.
There you are, sir - the lettuce upgrade.
It was £40. I'm currently able to offer it to you for...
...£20.
Sorry, what does that...
Essentially, it enhances your laptop with a lettuce leaf.
Right, sorry, like I said,
I'm not really very clued up about these things.
I mean, to me that just looks like
a lettuce leaf sellotaped to the screen.
That's exactly what it is. Right.
Like I said, in six months, the lettuce leaf may be standard.
You don't want to regret not getting it.
Plus, it was £40 and now it's £20, so in a way, you've kind of made money.
I guess, er... Shall I whack it on, then?
I think I'll be all right. No problem.
I'll have someone bring down your non-lettuce-leaf-upgraded laptop.
Thanks.
If you'd just like to wait by the cashier's desk.
Um, actually, I think I'd better get it.
No problem.
Excuse me. Um...what's that?
It's the carrot upgrade.
Sorry, is the carrot better than the lettuce leaf, or...
Well, it depends.
I thought, in six months' time, the carrot might be standard.
I don't want to regret not getting it down the line.
But don't get me wrong, I mean, the lettuce leaf's fine,
but I needed the carrot to suit my needs.
I mean, the lettuce leaf suits my needs fine, so...
Sure.
How much is the carrot?
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Yo, my friend.
Mikey in the upstairs bar
said you might be able to sort me out with a couple of Es.
How many are you looking for? Three blind mice.
Fiver each, yeah? Cool.
Give me a couple of bumps of K. Take the edge off the come-down.
Mr Wilkinson! Um...
It's Tony. I went to prep school with your daughter.
Tony, yes, of course. How are you? Oh, mate.
Look, seriously, these are on me, yeah?
You used to give me a lift home every night with Freya after piano.
Yes, yes, yes. I remember.
Um, these aren't for me, by the way.
They're for a colleague at work in the accounts department.
He's got an anniversary coming up and he...he wanted to, you know...
GROANS
MAN: This is a raid!
Everybody remain calm and stay exactly where you are.
Yeah, don't give them to me!
None of you are in any trouble,
but before we release you,
we do need to take a few details - name, address, etc.
You'll all be released within two hours.
Excuse me, officer.
I know you've got a job to do,
but so do I, and I am in a little bit of a rush.
It's the same for everybody, sir.
Oh, my God! Mr Wilkinson!
Sean Davies. I used to live a couple of doors down.
Sean, I don't suppose you could, um...
Whoo!
Look, the thing is, we are preparing for an audit.
You'll be released when we're ready, sir.
Oh.
GRUNTS AND SHRIEKS
Whoo!
Can you get off me, please, Mr Wilkinson? Your train's here.
The train approaching platform two is the 7:44 to Marylebone.
I love you all! Let's hear it for commuting!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo!
OK, so listen up. This is a map of the hotel.
The hostages are here in the hotel reception.
We go in hard, flashbangs and stun grenades.
ID your men and take them down quick.
How many? Intel counts six terrorists.
There may be more, so stay sharp, stay focused. No mistakes.
Our absolute priority is the lives of those hostages.
TYRES SQUEAL
All right, this is it.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
What?!
Now, did you forget all about our little staff outing?
Sir, the hostages!
Andrew, I promised to take my hardworking team
bowling this evening.
But, sir, they're going to be executed in 22 minutes!
Dear me, Andrew.
How many times have I told you
to stop using deadlines to motivate your team?
Now, you need to put your people glasses on.
I need to get to the Plaza Hotel now!
Come on. Let's get you fitted up with some shoes. Come on.
Yes, Joe, quite a haul.
Yes, some exceptional pieces.
What was it - one of the big houses on the Avenue?
Maybe. Quite right. Not for me to ask.
Yes, we'd be delighted to fence that for you.
Obviously, it will take us a little while to do the deal.
Probably about an hour or so.
You might want to take a little stroll or something like that
while you're waiting - unwind a little.
You think I'm letting you out of my sight?
I ain't going anywhere. I'm staying here with you.
If that money ain't here in an hour, you're dead.
Well, yes, please do stay.
That's your prerogative.
In fact, I'm just about to take the lunchtime service.
Have a seat. Enjoy the show.
Well, maybe I will go for a little stroll.
I'll be back in an hour.
Good.
Here you are then, Agnes. Take this down to Big Mitch.
He should be in the Spread Eagle about now.
That's the spirit.
This place is pretty amazing, right?
I told you the girls here would blow your mind.
Tell you what, I might get a couple of them to come over and join us.
I quite like the look of that little Latina.
Think I might take her somewhere a little bit more private.
How about I go and get us another bottle of Cristal?
Good idea. I'll leave the bimmer here.
Get my secretary to pick it up in the morning.
Sorry, can I just check -
I'm not a complete wanker, am I?
My word! What is this? Michael Faraday?
Well, yes, but what unearthly phenomenon...?
You step out of very ether, sir.
I come from the future, a time far distant from your own.
For what purpose?
To tell you about scientific discoveries yet to come.
Our planet is dying.
We thought if we might advance the development of science,
we might have a better chance of saving it.
My dear Lord!
This is the stuff of my most fantastic dreams.
They sent you to meet me?
Well, no, they chose another bloke first,
but it turned out he was too fat to fit in the pod, so...
Some of your infant education would dwarf my entire life's work.
Please, tell me everything you know.
CLEARS THROAT
So, we have these things - they're called cars.
They're like horseless carriages.
You get in them, stick a key in them and they go.
How are they powered? They've got an engine.
And by what process does this engine turn?
You put petrol in it...
...and it goes.
It's, er...it's like a miracle, really.
Right. Oh, I've got one.
We fly in aeroplanes. They're like giant metal birds.
And how do they work? Obviously, some sort of wings, but...
Yeah, wings.
Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It's kind of all I had on that one.
Oh, I know. You'll like this. You'll like this.
Only the most important discovery in the whole of physics.
The one that ties everything together is Einstein's theory of relativity.
And what does that mean?
Well it means E = MC2. I mean, it is what it is, really.
Well, what does E stand for? E?
Um, it's just E, isn't it?
I just thought it was E. E = MC2.
I don't think it stands for anything. Egg?
Egg?
Hey, we'll come back to science.
What about something from history?
Um, you could have the Boer War.
Ah, yes, a war with the Boers. Well, when does that begin?
BLOWS AIR
Who wins? They do? We do?
How's it looking at the moment? How does it start?
Zulus.
Something to do with Zulus. They're supposed to blow the bloody doors...
Have I told you about hot-air balloons?
We already have hot-air balloons!
For pity's sake, sir,
divine providence has sent you to me from the future.
Imagine the suffering that could be ceased,
the immense progress for mankind, for which you could lay the seed.
Is there nothing you can tell me of any real advantage
about the technology of your times?
CLICKS FINGERS Ooh...
And if you click here, you get to the site for Nuts magazine.
What's that?
"100 Sexiest Bikini Babes."
The future looks wonderful indeed.
Where is this place, Hollyoaks?
Times are hard. Of course they are.
I'm not going to pretend they aren't.
There are choppy waters ahead.
But I want to reassure each and every one of you that your job is safe.
No-one on my staff is going to fall behind with their mortgage payments
or be unable to put a child through school.
You showed me unswerving loyalty during the good times.
I'm going to show you the same during the bad.
All right? I hope that reassures you.
Come on, we've got a lot of work to get on with.
Anyone wants to talk to me, my door is always open, OK?
Thank you. Well done.
Well done, guys.
Kill them.
You join us 60 feet below the streets of London in a somewhat dusty tunnel.
The great city's history literally layered above us,
like a sherry trifle.
The custard, Victorian England, the jelly of the Georgians,
the rich fruit of the Elizabethans.
And here we are in the golden sponge of the metropolis's fundament
to view a truly extraordinary discovery.
This.
A perfectly preserved Roman frieze.
The pigments are so delicate and so frangible
that we can only photograph them by candlelight.
And if we come just a little closer,
we can make out the gentle curves of these equine figures.
The quite remarkable detail of the soldiers' tunics and musculature.
As an extant record of the Caesarean occupation,
this item's value, and indeed its price,
is quite simply beyond measure.
SNEEZES Arggh!
SMASH!
TICKING
GASPS
Now we must remain absolutely st...
BOOM!
And it can be worn by both women and men.
Excellent.