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RECORD CRACKLES

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LIVELY JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

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Mark. Mark Adams? It is, isn't it?

4
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Um...Mick. Mick Murray.

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Minty, second row, first 15.
Well, once. Second 15.

6
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Minty. My God! My God!

7
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,720
Yeah. How extraordinary.
Still playing the trumpet?

8
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,640
Er, no. No trumpet.

9
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A long time ago, all that, you know?

10
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,800
You're telling me. God, you look great.

11
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,600
You haven't changed a bit, all that hair.
Escaped the recession.

12
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Yeah. Yeah. And you, you look...

13
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I mean, what is it?

14
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I mean, what are you? I mean, how are you?

15
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Yeah, I'm really OK.

16
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Um, pretty hellish couple of years, but...

17
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God, yeah, I mean, what caused it?

18
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Well, the credit crunch.

19
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,160
Yeah, I lost my job in the city,
which is a bit tedious.

20
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But now I've just started
a new vocation as -

21
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wait for it - an English teacher. LAUGHS

22
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A teacher? In front of children?
Yeah, it's quite a shock, isn't it?

23
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Absolutely grotesque.

24
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Um, yeah, well, it's going really well.

25
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Anyway, I've got to run,
but listen, what a thing.

26
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Yeah. Who'd have thought?
I know. Yeah. Cheers.

27
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Oh, my God, it's Mark, isn't it?

28
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Oh, for Pete's sake!

29
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MAN: Everybody likes a drink.

30
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Goodnight, Eddie.

31
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But on occasion, you can have
too much of a good thing.

32
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If you are drunk and you're in
charge of a motor vehicle, stop.

33
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Be safe. And drive slowly.

34
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It can make all the difference.

35
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As we prepare to face, again,
the might of the Luftwaffe,

36
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I know it must be difficult for you

37
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with so many more empty places
in the mess this morning,

38
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but we will fight on to the glory
of our fallen colleagues.

39
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Courage, gentlemen. Good flying, good luck.

40
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You know powdered egg?
Yes.

41
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It's gay as.

42
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Isn't it? It's well rank, blud.

43
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Why can't they let us have proper eggs,

44
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like from a chicken or parrot
or some shit like that?

45
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I know, it's like they're trying
to poison us with powder.

46
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Why is it powdered, man?

47
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You don't get powdered milk.
You kind of do, though.

48
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Yeah, but you know what I mean.

49
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,640
I've told the Group Captain I'm not
eating powdered egg any more,

50
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because I'm, like, a vegan, and he has
to respect my human right to be a vegan.

51
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Yeah, but you still eat sausages
and bacon and whatever.

52
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Yeah, I'm not a wanker about it.

53
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I think I has an allergy to
that bully beef they give us.

54
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Is it, though?
For sho'.

55
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I get, like, this really
bad reaction and shit.

56
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Like with peanuts where
your throat swells up

57
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and you get a rash or eczema
or dyslexia or whatever?

58
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No, I get like this really
rank taste in my mouth.

59
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That's bad, man. You should tell them.
You should tell them that, though.

60
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Then if they ever make you eat
it again, that's actually abuse.

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Yeah, cos you know Ginger?

62
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Ginger Rogers? No, Ginger who you know.

63
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The brother of the guy we
met at that thing that time,

64
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when you was there and I was there.

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Oh, yeah, him, the one
that I know. That's him.

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Cos he was an allergic

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and I reckon the dinner ladies
murdered him with powdered egg.

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Cos he was, like, really
badly lactose-intolerant.

69
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And then he just died.

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Yeah.

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You don't think what killed him
was being shot down over Holland?

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Might have been a bit of that as well.

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Sir. Sir.
Don't come any closer.

74
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Please, sir, you're making a big mistake.

75
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I loved her. She took everything from me.

76
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No, sir, you don't understand.

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We're carrying out essential
engineering work on this line.

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No trains are running through this station.

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We are, however, operating
a replacement bus service.

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THUD!

81
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,240
What's the story?
Tomatoes are fruit, not veg.

82
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Gotcha.

83
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Gary Lineker can't say "hypothesis".
Ah, knew it.

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Unhappy pigeons commit suicide.
Good for them.

85
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,320
I'm dressed inappropriately, sir.
Well done.

86
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,240
Eat a polar bear's liver, you'll die.
Uh-huh.

87
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Mickey Mouse is named after Mickey Rooney.

88
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,120
Then who the hell's Wayne Rooney?
I'll check, sir.

89
00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,160
Come on, people!

90
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Dogs cause snoring in children.
Fair enough.

91
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,960
The best thing about
Alton Towers is Oblivion.

92
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,760
What's the worst thing? Come on, think.

93
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:05,800
The queuing?

94
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,800
Tell him, Susan. It's the wasps.

95
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,880
It's the wasps, Declan. The bloody wasps!

96
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:25,520
So, is that the 128 megabyte
memory card, or the 256?

97
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,600
128.

98
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,600
Good, well, that's all
very straightforward.

99
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:33,040
Should have those ready
for you in about an hour.

100
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,920
I would normally say go and have
a quick mosey around the shops,

101
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,400
but Wednesday is half-day
closing round here.

102
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,800
Um, hey, here's a thought.

103
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,280
I'm just about to take
the lunchtime service,

104
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,360
you could stay for that

105
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and then pick up your photographs
afterwards if you like.

106
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,240
Um, oh...

107
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No, I'll just have a wander round,
look in the shop windows.

108
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Yes, good, good idea.

109
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,160
See you... See you in about an hour, then.

110
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All the instructions are
written on the docket.

111
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Very good.

112
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Oh, I can't believe that
we're here in this paradise

113
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and I've got you all to myself.

114
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Finally. Finally.

115
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Aloha!

116
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,040
Hey, Jim.

117
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,400
Hi, Jim.
How's it going?

118
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,600
Yeah, great, fantastic.
I'm as happy as a dog with two dicks.

119
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,480
I sometimes think my wife running off
with the DJ at our wedding reception

120
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,840
was the best thing that
ever happened to me.

121
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,120
Sometimes, I think that.

122
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,240
Most of the time, I just sit on my haunches

123
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,440
rocking backwards and forwards,
staring at the wall

124
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:03,160
singing Three Blind Mice to
myself over and over again.

125
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Hey, still, no wife, no strife, eh?

126
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,280
Yeah.
No offence, love.

127
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,000
Her face, honestly.

128
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,560
So, what have you been
up to today, then, Jim?

129
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,240
Oh, well, I had quite a nice
afternoon, actually. Yeah.

130
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,280
I watched that Ryan's Daughter
on the film channel.

131
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,720
Oh, that sounds like a good thing to do.

132
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:22,800
Yeah, it was really funny,

133
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,240
'cause when it got to that bit
where she goes off with the soldier,

134
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,800
I was thinking, "Don't kiss him,"
and before I knew it,

135
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,520
I'd wrenched the TV set off the
wall and chucked it in the bath!

136
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,520
Sparks and everything, you know?

137
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,600
So don't tell me what happened. Yeah?

138
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,720
You had a nice day?
Yeah.

139
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,640
We've just been sitting
here having cocktails,

140
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,200
discussing our wedding reception.

141
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,560
Can we get you another drink, Jim?

142
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,440
To be quite honest,
Sally, one's enough for me.

143
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,320
Any more plays havoc with my medication.

144
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,480
Yeah.

145
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:54,480
On the other hand, it is my
honeymoon, so what the hell?

146
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,240
Tell you what,
I'll have the wife's as well.

147
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,760
Oi, Gunga Din, yeah.

148
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,040
Can I have two Honolulu Hammers
over here please, yeah?

149
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,600
I'll keep the furniture. There you go.

150
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,080
Well, Jim, I have to say,
I think you are incredibly brave.

151
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:12,440
Well, you know what I always say -
never look a gift horse in the mouth.

152
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,600
Though you should always keep
an eye on her Facebook friends, eh?

153
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LAUGHS The bitch!

154
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:23,000
But that's far from my mind
when I'm in this paradise. Yes.

155
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,520
You've got to laugh, haven't you?
Life's just nuts, isn't it?

156
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,480
Yeah...Don't interrupt me, you know.

157
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,080
I mean, I could say to myself,
"Oh, no, boo hoo hoo," you know?

158
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,800
Life's dealt me a duff hand,
but I'm bigger than that.

159
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,160
Yeah, well, it's good to move on.

160
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,480
Yeah, Phil, easy for you
to say, you shithouse!

161
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,280
The enduring memory of your wedding day

162
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,880
isn't the thrusting pimply
buttocks of Matt Dugdale

163
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:49,600
being cupped by the French-manicured
fingers of your newlywed bride!

164
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:53,840
Talk about something borrowed!

165
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,560
Graeme, I just wanted a quick word.

166
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,600
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

167
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,240
I've just severed all my links
with my friends and family

168
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,080
and transferred the last of my assets

169
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,960
over to His Divine Father of our
Better Tomorrow, which is all great.

170
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,160
I suppose I just wanted to double-check.

171
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,200
Um...

172
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,600
...this isn't a cult, is it?

173
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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

174
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,800
Here, you're doing a great job, mate.
You've got the vibe just right.

175
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,160
Oh, thanks. You're taking our
energy, giving it back to us.

176
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,000
Nicely done, my friend. Cheers.

177
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,600
Fancy a pill?

178
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,040
No, ta. It gets in the way,
affects my judgement.

179
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,200
Mind if I have yours?

180
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,840
HIGH-ENERGY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

181
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,960
CHEERING That's what I'm talking about!

182
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,480
Whoo!

183
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,080
That is sweet, man.

184
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:02,440
You're... you're taking us on a
journey, you're bringing us home.

185
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,960
You got a name yet?

186
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,400
No, I haven't thought about it.

187
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,280
I'm giving it to you.

188
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,960
You are...the Young Master.

189
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,320
Mr Wilkinson!

190
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,960
What?

191
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,240
It's Michael from Accounts.

192
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:19,160
Oh. Michael. Yes, hello. Hi.

193
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,160
Didn't know you was into clubbing.

194
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,520
I'm not. I was just dropping
my daughter off.

195
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:27,120
But it's 6.00 in the morning.
Picking her up. Yeah.

196
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,200
Ooh! Oh, I feel a bit funny.

197
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,200
It might be those pills. No, no, no, no.

198
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,840
Those were for my irritable bowel.

199
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,280
Yeah.

200
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,840
Great set, Mike.

201
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,120
Look, Annie, it's Mr Wilkinson from work.

202
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,240
Oh. Hello.

203
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,400
Are you here for Dean's birthday as well?

204
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,080
No.

205
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,640
No, I was just telling Michael,
I was dropping my daughter off.

206
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,160
Picking her up.

207
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,760
Sorry, can I have a sip of your water?

208
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,120
GRUNTS That's better.

209
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,760
Gets awfully hot in
these places, doesn't it?

210
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,840
Well, that's me done for the night.

211
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,640
Let's go dance.

212
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,480
Coming, Mr Wilkinson?

213
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,960
No, no, no, I'm much too old for that.

214
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,320
You...you young people
go and enjoy yourselves.

215
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,680
Anyway, I've got to catch
my train in an hour.

216
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,160
Oh, come on, just one.

217
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,720
GROANS Whoo!

218
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,640
Yep! Just a quick one.

219
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,800
Whoo!

220
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:42,120
That's it, you're OK.
You're all right, you're OK.

221
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,440
You'll be fine, Mr Wilkinson.

222
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,320
Train's not here for another four minutes.

223
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,680
Time to walk it off.

224
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,200
My name is Dr Tia.

225
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,880
I live in Botswana, saving lives.

226
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,760
Do you?

227
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,800
I've just performed an operation

228
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,040
in the most dangerous location
on God's good earth -

229
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,560
the inside of a lion's mouth.

230
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,480
I was removing an obstruction -

231
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,840
Putunkswe, my houseboy.

232
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,080
My only tranquilliser was a Celtic lullaby

233
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:23,560
and the tools I used...were these.

234
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,080
These proud hands know no tenderness.

235
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,920
Africa is my wife

236
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,520
and she'll brook me no mistress.

237
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,680
SNIFFS

238
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,600
SPITS

239
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:11,920
SPITS

240
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,880
Africa.

241
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,720
So you'd like the hide kept in one piece,

242
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,840
steaks from the rump and legs
and the offal in a bag.

243
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,560
That's right, Reverend.

244
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:42,600
We should have that done for you
in about 45 minutes, maybe an hour.

245
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,000
I notice from our newsletter

246
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,280
that the Women's Institute is
exhibiting a display of crochet

247
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,760
in the village hall.

248
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,960
Oh, no, that's really not my
cup of tea at all, Reverend.

249
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,720
Hey, here's a thought.

250
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,600
I'm just about to take
the lunchtime service.

251
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,080
You could stay for that,

252
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,760
and then all your meat would be
ready for you straight afterwards.

253
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,640
Maybe I will just poke my head
in the crochet exhibition,

254
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,440
see what it's like.

255
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,800
Yes, good idea.

256
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,520
There, Agnes, a stag to be butchered.

257
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,040
Marvellous.

258
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,840
You know, I mean, then they
asked us to do this gig in Beijing

259
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,360
and we're like, "Hell, why not?"

260
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:49,160
I mean, 1.3 billion people - it's not
a bad potential market, you know?

261
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,560
I'm really excited about it.

262
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,640
It feels like we've broken internationally.

263
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,360
Oh, wow, that's incredible.

264
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,480
God, I knew I should have
stuck with the guitar.

265
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,160
Well, look, you must come to the gig.

266
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,720
I mean, what's your name?
I'll stick you on the guest list.

267
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,800
That would be incredible.
Let me just grab a pen.

268
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:03,920
Yeah, it's Paul...

269
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,640
Ponytail!

270
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,960
OK, off you go.

271
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,400
My name is Youssef Khan.

272
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,120
By the time you see this video,

273
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,480
I will have become a martyr
for all our people

274
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,960
who have suffered pain and injustice
at the hands of Western devils.

275
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,520
My name is Ali Nazri.

276
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,240
To our families, know that what we did,

277
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,200
we did in an effort to highlight the plight

278
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,240
of our brothers and sisters
around the world

279
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,720
suppressed by those forces

280
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,480
which continue to wreak
destruction against us.

281
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,440
Um, ooh. Christ, sorry, can I just check?

282
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,200
Um, this isn't a terrorist
sleeper cell, is it?

283
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,320
So that's the Xeron laptop

284
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,480
with 256 megs of RAM
and a 1.8 gig processor.

285
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,520
Great.

286
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,960
You do know if you spend £80 more,

287
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,880
you get the model with the dual processor?

288
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,880
Sorry, I'm not really very
clued up about these things.

289
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,200
Everything will run much faster.

290
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,320
It won't take forever
to boot up programmes.

291
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,360
It'll load nearly twice as fast.
Right, and that's £80, is it?

292
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,280
If you ask me, it's definitely worth it.

293
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,720
You don't want it running slow.
Yeah, OK, then.

294
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,400
The other thing I'd recommend
is getting a faster wireless card.

295
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,240
The thing is, I sort of promised
myself I'd stick to a budget

296
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,160
and, you know, I'm getting
the dual thing, so...

297
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,480
In six months' time,
this card might be standard.

298
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,320
You don't want to regret not getting it.

299
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,200
Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right.
Yeah, I'll get that too, then.

300
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,240
We are currently offering a discount
on the lettuce upgrade.

301
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,200
Sorry, I don't... Have you not seen it?

302
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,440
Take a look at this.

303
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,200
There you are, sir - the lettuce upgrade.

304
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:50,480
It was £40. I'm currently able
to offer it to you for...

305
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,520
...£20.

306
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,960
Sorry, what does that...

307
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,800
Essentially, it enhances
your laptop with a lettuce leaf.

308
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,680
Right, sorry, like I said,

309
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,920
I'm not really very clued up
about these things.

310
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,400
I mean, to me that just looks like

311
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,600
a lettuce leaf sellotaped to the screen.

312
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,400
That's exactly what it is.
Right.

313
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:11,760
Like I said, in six months,
the lettuce leaf may be standard.

314
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,440
You don't want to regret not getting it.

315
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:18,440
Plus, it was £40 and now it's £20,
so in a way, you've kind of made money.

316
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,320
I guess, er... Shall I whack it on, then?

317
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:25,040
I think I'll be all right. No problem.

318
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:29,040
I'll have someone bring down your
non-lettuce-leaf-upgraded laptop.

319
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,040
Thanks.

320
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,920
If you'd just like to wait
by the cashier's desk.

321
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,480
Um, actually, I think I'd better get it.

322
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,400
No problem.

323
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,720
Excuse me. Um...what's that?

324
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,200
It's the carrot upgrade.

325
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,080
Sorry, is the carrot better
than the lettuce leaf, or...

326
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,560
Well, it depends.

327
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,280
I thought, in six months' time,
the carrot might be standard.

328
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,560
I don't want to regret
not getting it down the line.

329
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,600
But don't get me wrong,
I mean, the lettuce leaf's fine,

330
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,600
but I needed the carrot to suit my needs.

331
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,800
I mean, the lettuce leaf
suits my needs fine, so...

332
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,280
Sure.

333
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,240
How much is the carrot?

334
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,960
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

335
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,800
Yo, my friend.

336
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,480
Mikey in the upstairs bar

337
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,960
said you might be able to sort
me out with a couple of Es.

338
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,920
How many are you looking for?
Three blind mice.

339
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,640
Fiver each, yeah?
Cool.

340
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,440
Give me a couple of bumps of K.
Take the edge off the come-down.

341
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,080
Mr Wilkinson!
Um...

342
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:51,520
It's Tony. I went to prep school
with your daughter.

343
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,680
Tony, yes, of course.
How are you? Oh, mate.

344
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,720
Look, seriously, these are on me, yeah?

345
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,000
You used to give me a lift home
every night with Freya after piano.

346
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,920
Yes, yes, yes. I remember.

347
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,160
Um, these aren't for me, by the way.

348
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,880
They're for a colleague at work
in the accounts department.

349
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:11,280
He's got an anniversary coming up
and he...he wanted to, you know...

350
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,160
GROANS

351
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,920
MAN: This is a raid!

352
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,080
Everybody remain calm and
stay exactly where you are.

353
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:21,000
Yeah, don't give them to me!

354
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:30,760
None of you are in any trouble,

355
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,240
but before we release you,

356
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,440
we do need to take a few
details - name, address, etc.

357
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,360
You'll all be released within two hours.

358
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,840
Excuse me, officer.

359
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,720
I know you've got a job to do,

360
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,360
but so do I, and I am
in a little bit of a rush.

361
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,200
It's the same for everybody, sir.

362
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,000
Oh, my God! Mr Wilkinson!

363
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,440
Sean Davies.
I used to live a couple of doors down.

364
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,920
Sean, I don't suppose you could, um...

365
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,640
Whoo!

366
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,840
Look, the thing is,
we are preparing for an audit.

367
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,280
You'll be released when we're ready, sir.

368
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,440
Oh.

369
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,040
GRUNTS AND SHRIEKS

370
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,200
Whoo!

371
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:16,240
Can you get off me, please, Mr Wilkinson?
Your train's here.

372
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:20,280
The train approaching platform
two is the 7:44 to Marylebone.

373
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,840
I love you all!
Let's hear it for commuting!

374
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,960
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

375
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,440
Whoo!

376
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,720
OK, so listen up.
This is a map of the hotel.

377
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,880
The hostages are here
in the hotel reception.

378
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,800
We go in hard, flashbangs
and stun grenades.

379
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,600
ID your men and take them down quick.

380
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,520
How many? Intel counts six terrorists.

381
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,480
There may be more, so stay sharp,
stay focused. No mistakes.

382
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,680
Our absolute priority is
the lives of those hostages.

383
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,360
TYRES SQUEAL

384
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,320
All right, this is it.

385
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,480
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

386
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,120
What?!

387
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,720
Now, did you forget all about
our little staff outing?

388
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,280
Sir, the hostages!

389
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,800
Andrew, I promised to take
my hardworking team

390
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,280
bowling this evening.

391
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,640
But, sir, they're going to
be executed in 22 minutes!

392
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,680
Dear me, Andrew.

393
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,120
How many times have I told you

394
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,600
to stop using deadlines
to motivate your team?

395
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,000
Now, you need to put
your people glasses on.

396
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,680
I need to get to the Plaza Hotel now!

397
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,600
Come on. Let's get you fitted up
with some shoes. Come on.

398
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,440
Yes, Joe, quite a haul.

399
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,880
Yes, some exceptional pieces.

400
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,800
What was it - one of the
big houses on the Avenue?

401
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,440
Maybe. Quite right. Not for me to ask.

402
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,720
Yes, we'd be delighted
to fence that for you.

403
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,520
Obviously, it will take us a
little while to do the deal.

404
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,520
Probably about an hour or so.

405
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:03,360
You might want to take a little
stroll or something like that

406
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,800
while you're waiting - unwind a little.

407
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,720
You think I'm letting you out of my sight?

408
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,200
I ain't going anywhere.
I'm staying here with you.

409
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,160
If that money ain't here
in an hour, you're dead.

410
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,560
Well, yes, please do stay.

411
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,840
That's your prerogative.

412
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,360
In fact, I'm just about to
take the lunchtime service.

413
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:26,240
Have a seat. Enjoy the show.

414
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,400
Well, maybe I will go for a little stroll.

415
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,440
I'll be back in an hour.

416
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:35,920
Good.

417
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:41,600
Here you are then, Agnes.
Take this down to Big Mitch.

418
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:44,480
He should be in the Spread Eagle about now.

419
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,960
That's the spirit.

420
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,160
This place is pretty amazing, right?

421
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,480
I told you the girls here
would blow your mind.

422
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,720
Tell you what, I might get a couple
of them to come over and join us.

423
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,840
I quite like the look
of that little Latina.

424
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,520
Think I might take her somewhere
a little bit more private.

425
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,240
How about I go and get us
another bottle of Cristal?

426
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,440
Good idea. I'll leave the bimmer here.

427
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,480
Get my secretary to pick
it up in the morning.

428
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,480
Sorry, can I just check -

429
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,440
I'm not a complete wanker, am I?

430
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,840
My word! What is this? Michael Faraday?

431
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,200
Well, yes, but what
unearthly phenomenon...?

432
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,640
You step out of very ether, sir.

433
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,480
I come from the future,
a time far distant from your own.

434
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:53,880
For what purpose?

435
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,480
To tell you about scientific
discoveries yet to come.

436
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,360
Our planet is dying.

437
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,000
We thought if we might advance
the development of science,

438
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,720
we might have a better chance of saving it.

439
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,120
My dear Lord!

440
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,920
This is the stuff of my
most fantastic dreams.

441
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,440
They sent you to meet me?

442
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,760
Well, no, they chose another bloke first,

443
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,520
but it turned out he was too
fat to fit in the pod, so...

444
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:19,840
Some of your infant education
would dwarf my entire life's work.

445
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,920
Please, tell me everything you know.

446
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:23,960
CLEARS THROAT

447
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,640
So, we have these
things - they're called cars.

448
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,440
They're like horseless carriages.

449
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,520
You get in them, stick a key
in them and they go.

450
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,560
How are they powered?
They've got an engine.

451
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,760
And by what process does this engine turn?

452
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,840
You put petrol in it...

453
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,200
...and it goes.

454
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,680
It's, er...it's like a miracle, really.

455
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,960
Right.
Oh, I've got one.

456
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,760
We fly in aeroplanes.
They're like giant metal birds.

457
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,240
And how do they work?
Obviously, some sort of wings, but...

458
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,200
Yeah, wings.

459
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,560
Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
It's kind of all I had on that one.

460
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,720
Oh, I know. You'll like
this. You'll like this.

461
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,760
Only the most important discovery
in the whole of physics.

462
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:07,120
The one that ties everything together
is Einstein's theory of relativity.

463
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,760
And what does that mean?

464
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:13,400
Well it means E = MC2.
I mean, it is what it is, really.

465
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,600
Well, what does E stand for? E?

466
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,120
Um, it's just E, isn't it?

467
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,480
I just thought it was E. E = MC2.

468
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,760
I don't think it stands for anything. Egg?

469
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,200
Egg?

470
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,760
Hey, we'll come back to science.

471
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,600
What about something from history?

472
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,600
Um, you could have the Boer War.

473
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,360
Ah, yes, a war with the Boers.
Well, when does that begin?

474
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,760
BLOWS AIR

475
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,360
Who wins?
They do? We do?

476
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,720
How's it looking at the moment?
How does it start?

477
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,120
Zulus.

478
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,840
Something to do with Zulus. They're
supposed to blow the bloody doors...

479
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:47,560
Have I told you about hot-air balloons?

480
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,440
We already have hot-air balloons!

481
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,680
For pity's sake, sir,

482
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,160
divine providence has sent
you to me from the future.

483
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,920
Imagine the suffering that could be ceased,

484
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,240
the immense progress for mankind,
for which you could lay the seed.

485
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,280
Is there nothing you can tell
me of any real advantage

486
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:04,880
about the technology of your times?

487
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,360
CLICKS FINGERS Ooh...

488
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,280
And if you click here, you get
to the site for Nuts magazine.

489
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,000
What's that?

490
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,280
"100 Sexiest Bikini Babes."

491
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,480
The future looks wonderful indeed.

492
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,400
Where is this place, Hollyoaks?

493
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,280
Times are hard. Of course they are.

494
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,160
I'm not going to pretend they aren't.

495
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:30,760
There are choppy waters ahead.

496
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:35,480
But I want to reassure each and every
one of you that your job is safe.

497
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:39,000
No-one on my staff is going to fall
behind with their mortgage payments

498
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,400
or be unable to put a child through school.

499
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,760
You showed me unswerving loyalty
during the good times.

500
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,920
I'm going to show you
the same during the bad.

501
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,600
All right? I hope that reassures you.

502
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,640
Come on, we've got a lot
of work to get on with.

503
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,160
Anyone wants to talk to me,
my door is always open, OK?

504
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,280
Thank you. Well done.

505
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,800
Well done, guys.

506
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,520
Kill them.

507
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:16,520
You join us 60 feet below the streets
of London in a somewhat dusty tunnel.

508
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,760
The great city's history
literally layered above us,

509
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,640
like a sherry trifle.

510
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,000
The custard, Victorian England,
the jelly of the Georgians,

511
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,840
the rich fruit of the Elizabethans.

512
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,960
And here we are in the golden sponge
of the metropolis's fundament

513
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,480
to view a truly extraordinary discovery.

514
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,360
This.

515
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,160
A perfectly preserved Roman frieze.

516
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:45,280
The pigments are so delicate
and so frangible

517
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,040
that we can only photograph
them by candlelight.

518
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,200
And if we come just a little closer,

519
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:58,320
we can make out the gentle
curves of these equine figures.

520
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:02,840
The quite remarkable detail of the
soldiers' tunics and musculature.

521
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,080
As an extant record of
the Caesarean occupation,

522
00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:09,080
this item's value, and indeed its price,

523
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:10,840
is quite simply beyond measure.

524
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,840
SNEEZES Arggh!

525
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,640
SMASH!

526
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,480
TICKING

527
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,600
GASPS

528
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:34,400
Now we must remain absolutely st...

529
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,400
BOOM!

530
00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:00,480
And it can be worn by both women and men.

531
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,640
Excellent.