1
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,720
THEME MUSIC PLAYS

2
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,680
You know, Miranda just...
That's not fair.

3
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,320
You see... That is not fair!

4
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,680
Miranda.

5
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:47,120
We'll just let Mike say his bit,
then you can respond. OK?

6
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:51,640
Well, Miranda too often just will
not listen to what I've got to say.

7
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,200
Miranda, will you acknowledge that,

8
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:58,280
in light of everything else
we've spoken of this afternoon?

9
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,440
Yes.

10
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,440
Excellent.

11
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,160
Yeah, excellent.

12
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,280
I feel real progress has been made
this session, real progress.

13
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,582
But I want you both to
reflect on everything

14
00:01:09,607 --> 00:01:11,680
we've spoken about
this afternoon, yeah?

15
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,840
And everything each of you
has had to say to the other.

16
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,800
We'll continue this exploration
next week.

17
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:20,120
OK.
Well done. Well done, both of you.

18
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,840
Thank you. Thanks. Thank you.

19
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,960
Kill them!

20
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,240
Date me up, people.

21
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,440
Nobody likes Adrian Chiles any more.
Right.

22
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,280
Olive oil goes well
with vanilla ice cream. Yes.

23
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,360
Martin Sheen's been arrested
70 times. Naughty boy.

24
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,320
Gone With The Wind drags on.
Prove it.

25
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,520
Your hall carpet's looking tatty.
Right.

26
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,200
Eamonn Holmes
could definitely have you. Sorry.

27
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:52,840
Hmm. Cancel the fight.

28
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,560
Towelling nappies are a pain
to wash.

29
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,400
Received.
You hardly ever see white eggs.

30
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,080
OK.
Stevie Wonder's put on three stone.

31
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,840
Keep an eye on him.
Ah, Martin. We need to catch up.

32
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,880
Clear your desk. You're fired. What?

33
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,840
Jelly won't set with pineapple in.
Gotcha.

34
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,160
Your things, sir.

35
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,960
Right. Right. Thanks, Declan.

36
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,720
If you'd like to come with me...

37
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,320
Hi there. What can I do for you?

38
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:24,800
I'd like to use a sun bed, please.

39
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,840
Have you used a sun bed before?

40
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,520
Yeah, yeah. OK.

41
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,880
Follow me!

42
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,840
Agent Zanzibar, it's a privilege.
Listen, we haven't got long.

43
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,320
Senex is due to land tonight,
but there's nothing on the wires.

44
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,880
You'll need to contact Cello-man...
Sorry, what?

45
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,240
You need to contact Cello-man.

46
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,920
I think there's been some sort of
mistake. I'm not, you know...

47
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,480
Agent Zanzibar? No, no, no.

48
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,640
Right. I'm not an agent.

49
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,040
No, it's just you said,
"I'd like to use a sun bed, please,"

50
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,240
I said, "Have you used a sun bed
before?" You said, "Yes."

51
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,600
What, you'd REALLY like to use
a sun bed?

52
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,280
Well, if that's possible.

53
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,480
This is a tanning salon, right?

54
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,280
Oh, bugger.

55
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,520
No, it's my fault. No, I can see now.

56
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,920
I should have picked a better
password.

57
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,520
It's just "Ducks flying south"
felt a bit old hat

58
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,320
and I did have
"The beaver's making a comeback,"

59
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,840
but that's very hard to work
into a conversation.

60
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:28,040
Not to worry. I'll just have 10 minutes
in one of the stand-up ones, please.

61
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:32,360
Yeah, but I don't really think
I should let you go now, you know.

62
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,920
You now know all about Cello-man.

63
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,520
Not really. I'd have forgotten
if you hadn't mentioned him.

64
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,840
I have just mentioned him.

65
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,200
I really don't think this is...

66
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,680
DOORBELL CHIMES

67
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,720
Hello. What can I do for you?

68
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:53,760
Do you do spray tanning?
Have you brought paper underwear?

69
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,480
Oh, no. I thought you provided it.

70
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,520
OK. Wait there.

71
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,480
Good luck, Red Admiral. Go, go, go!

72
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,480
MAN: My name is Dr Tia.

73
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,720
I live in Botswana, saving lives.

74
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,600
Do you?

75
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,520
This is Comyango.

76
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:59,320
The villagers thought an evil spirit
had taken his breath away,

77
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:03,080
so they sent him to the
makatalaywiktala, or shaman.

78
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:07,240
Poor Comyango returned to the
village, ravaged and wheezing,

79
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:11,320
his poor lungs strung out
like gut across a racquet.

80
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:15,520
It seems the shaman's spirits
were not in a healing mood.

81
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,480
I, on the other hand, was.

82
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,760
Superstition and mummery
are so deeply ingrained

83
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,000
in these beautiful, noble minds

84
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,120
that even the evidence of their own
eyes will not persuade them otherwise.

85
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:37,240
I have no desire to change
the culture of a continent.

86
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:41,920
Just the simple knowledge that I can do
a little bit to earn their reverence

87
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,600
is reward enough
for a white devil like me.

88
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,760
Them yats is bare choong, isn't it?

89
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,680
Fo' shizzle. They is buff.

90
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,080
We's in there big time, bred.

91
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,760
You know what I mean?
The blonde one was eyeing my packet.

92
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,960
You see her, clocking my unit
and all this?

93
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,280
It's a good look for you, man.
You look well nang. Respect.

94
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,560
You know what I mean? You can see
all, like, my pants and this and that.

95
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:20,800
You can see all your pants.

96
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,040
If someone looks,
they can see all your pants.

97
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,560
Here, they're looking over.

98
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,200
It's bait, blud. They's much better
than them girls we saw Tuesday.

99
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,360
Them gyaldem was butters.

100
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,840
Did you hear what my one said?
This is her -

101
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,200
"Must be frightening facing death
in the skies." So this is me...

102
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,360
"Are you calling me chicken?"
Yeah, fo' sho'.

103
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,160
"Are you saying I is scared and all
shit up? Cos I is nails, man."

104
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,600
When I got my BCG, I didn't even cry.

105
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,200
These girls are class, though,
so we need to treat them classy.

106
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,240
Isn't it, though? Classy.

107
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,400
So, there's your drinks and shit.

108
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,600
That's very kind.

109
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,480
We were just talking about
the new Glenn Miller record.

110
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,280
Oh, yes. We've been listening to it
in our digs. It's wonderful.

111
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,520
Glenn Miller? Shame, man.
He's such a lamer.

112
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,600
Glenn Miller sucks arse.
He's sold out big time.

113
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,640
You know what I'm saying? Benny
Goodman shits all over Glenn Miller.

114
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,160
By the way, you owe us 1d 6s.

115
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,640
What for? The drinks.

116
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,760
Oh. Sorry, I thought
you bought them for us.

117
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,240
Duh!

118
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,200
That would be, like, sexist.

119
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,680
It would be sexism, which is like
racism except against women,

120
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,640
so it's, like, not as bad,
but still really bad.

121
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,280
By the way, I saw you
clocking my packet just now.

122
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,200
I'm sorry?

123
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,680
Would you like to go round the back
of the hangar for tops and fingers?

124
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,480
Actually, we're going to
go and talk to our friends.

125
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,840
Yes. I've never been so insulted
in my life.

126
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,480
You are so in there.

127
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,640
Isn't it? Isn't it?

128
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:49,880
Isn't it? Isn't it, though?

129
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,320
Fo' sho'.

130
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,360
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS

131
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:04,000
I'm here in the Keukenhof Gardens in
the Dutch university town of Leiden

132
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:09,080
to see a truly remarkable tulip -
this one.

133
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:13,760
Semper Augustus.
Also known as the Viceroy.

134
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,440
Believe it or not,

135
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:22,280
the growth of an entire culture was
founded on this pretty-looking flower.

136
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,160
The Dutch cultivated them
and a craze was born.

137
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:32,280
In 1634, it was recorded
that a single bulb of this variety

138
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,080
was exchanged for 1,000lb of cheese,

139
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:39,360
eight pigs, 12 sheep
and a glazed porcelain commode.

140
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,680
The Viceroy had been thought
extinct for over 200 years.

141
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:47,800
That is, until now.

142
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:54,720
Just a few weeks ago, a single flower
was found in a copse near Antwerp.

143
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,520
And this is it.

144
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,800
From this lone, priceless specimen,

145
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:06,520
a once great variety of truly
extraordinary cultural significance

146
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,560
is to be revived by the horticul...

147
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:10,760
SMASH!

148
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,360
DOG YELPS

149
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,040
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS

150
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,240
VOICEOVER: If your family's
refrigerator has had its day,

151
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:39,360
remember - dispose of it properly.

152
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,480
Don't dump it in a residential area.

153
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,200
Poor children could play in it
and get trapped inside.

154
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,680
Don't leave it on the roadside.

155
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:52,680
Itinerants might find it
and it could end up back in a shop.

156
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:58,560
When dumping white goods,
be responsible.

157
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,120
Go the extra mile.

158
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,680
And then...and then on Terry's
stag do

159
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,080
we made him wear this pink miniskirt
all night.

160
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,600
That is nothing, that is nothing.

161
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,800
Doug's stag do, right,
we got him completely wasted

162
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,560
and when he's passed out in his room,
we creep in, shave one of his eyebrows off.

163
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,680
Seriously, in his wedding photos,
he's like this.

164
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,440
Honestly, he looks such a tit.
He's got no eyebrow!

165
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,920
I once played a really good stag joke
that totally weirded the guy out.

166
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,240
Sounds good.

167
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,200
This friend of mine, Simon,
was getting married

168
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,640
and I got him to pass out after
drinking loads of that green stuff.

169
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,600
Oh, Midori.
Oh, Midori.

170
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,480
Potassium hypochlorite.

171
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,080
Yeah, I got it from a
Russian website.

172
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,120
Rendered him completely unconscious.

173
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,240
Anyway, he woke up in bed
the next day.

174
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,320
You know, couldn't remember the
night before or what I'd done to him.

175
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,200
Shaved his pubes off.
Bet he shaved his pubes.

176
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,720
His fiancée Katie was lying next to him
and she went down under the sheets

177
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,280
to, you know,
make his day a bit special.

178
00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,440
Anyway, he laid back, watching her,
you know. Little bit woozy.

179
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,480
Anyway, as soon as she started,
he knew something was wrong.

180
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,400
Shaved his pubes off.

181
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,440
Something was different.
He couldn't work it out.

182
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,520
Then suddenly Katie started
laughing, you know,

183
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,840
and he looked down at her, you know,
and he realised...

184
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,520
He froze, his mouth dropped open
'cause it wasn't her at all,

185
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,320
it was me wearing a wig and a mask!

186
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,000
Little bit too weird or...?

187
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,240
Hello.

188
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,640
Yeah, hi.

189
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,640
Big day? Just a bit, yeah.

190
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,760
June, he's getting married. Oh.
Sorry, I'm in a rush.

191
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,240
I need cash to pay the caterers
before going to the church,

192
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,360
and I'm on double yellows. No
problem, sir. How much did you want?

193
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,640
£400, please.

194
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,080
OK. Just pop your card in there.

195
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,080
Now, were you aware that you're
eligible for a credit card,

196
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,640
interest free until next September?

197
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,200
Sorry, I'm not really interested.

198
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,080
Sorry, like I said,
I'm in a bit of a rush.

199
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,040
You literally just have to sign
a couple of forms.

200
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,000
Yeah, I'm really sorry,
maybe another time.

201
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,960
We are able to offer you,
as an opening offer,

202
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,440
a free all-expenses-paid,

203
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,160
three-star Clacy's Hotels city break
for two to Dusseldorf,

204
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,040
including free transfers
and complimentary champagne.

205
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,080
I'm getting married
in less than half an hour!

206
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,040
Might be a nice little wedding
present, sir.

207
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,920
It is 0%.

208
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,280
Look, if I've just gotta sign
a couple of forms...

209
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,880
Marvellous.
Just bear with with me a second.

210
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,280
No, no. Wait, wait!

211
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,440
Mr Duggan?

212
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,480
Yeah? Hi.

213
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,280
I understand you're interested in
our credit card offer.

214
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,320
Well, sort of. The thing is,
I am in a bit of a rush.

215
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,800
Oh, it'll only take a second,

216
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:36,440
and I imagine your wife will be very
excited by the trip to Dusseldorf.

217
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,600
The hospitality really is top class.

218
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,000
Yeah, look,
I'm on a double yellow, so...

219
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,160
Yes, no problem.
Shall we go into my office?

220
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,640
Please, have a seat.
I'll be back in a jiffy.

221
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,200
Right.

222
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,240
What?

223
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,760
SIGHS

224
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,840
Argh!

225
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,600
For God's sake, I've got to be at
St Christopher's in 10 minutes!

226
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,280
Just a few formalities,
if you'd like to follow me.

227
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,760
You know, when you get to Dusseldorf,
you really have got to try the mustard.

228
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,600
MAN: Enter.

229
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,920
Sit down, please, Mr Duggan.

230
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:55,080
Actually, I've changed my mind.
Sit...down.

231
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,400
So, Mr Duggan, you want a credit
card.

232
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,680
Well, no. You see...

233
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,120
We don't just give them out
like sweets, Mr Duggan.

234
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,600
It's a grave responsibility.

235
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,920
We've been doing a bit of digging.

236
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,480
It seems that in the past
you've developed, shall we say,

237
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:13,400
a laissez-faire approach
to making certain payments on time.

238
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,000
Sorry, what payments?

239
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,360
A gas bill from your student days.

240
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,480
Oh. God, yeah, but I...
So you don't deny it?

241
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,320
No. No, no, I don't.
That's better, Mr Duggan.

242
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,200
You seem contrite, Mr Duggan.

243
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,520
We are pleased to approve
your application.

244
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,880
Thank you. Thank you so much.

245
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,080
Please, take this to the room
opposite.

246
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,760
Oh, and Mr Duggan...

247
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,320
..enjoy Dusseldorf.

248
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:48,440
I hear it has a thriving
jazz fusion scene.

249
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,440
NO!

250
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,040
Who are you?

251
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,640
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I live here, mate.
Who the bloody hell are you?

252
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,440
Me? I'm Jeff.

253
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,120
Jeff? Is that you?

254
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,320
Oh, Carol. Look, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

255
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,840
I got caught up at the bank.
What's going on?

256
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,400
You've been gone five years, Jeff.

257
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,600
I've moved on. I'm married to Barry.

258
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,880
I've got a new family now.
You don't understand.

259
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,960
I got us this free weekend for two
to Dusseldorf.

260
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,640
They're gonna pick us up
from the airport.

261
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:05,400
There's nothing there, Jeff.
It's just a German town.

262
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,320
How do you think they can afford
to just give it away?

263
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,600
But...

264
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,040
Maybe you should lay off
the credit cards for a bit.

265
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,120
Eh, mate?

266
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,320
Ooh.

267
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,800
5% cash back and a free trip
to Antwerp.

268
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,480
Pre-approved!

269
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,160
SPEAKS FRENCH

270
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,480
Oh, brilliant.

271
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,480
SPEAKS FRENCH

272
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,480
SPEAKS FRENCH

273
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,600
What have we got?

274
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,520
We know Hosseini's men have planted
the EMP in this sector of the city,

275
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,960
but to get its exact location
I'll have to hack their network.

276
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,080
That won't be easy?

277
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,960
I wish. Their firewalls and encryption
algorithms are state-of-the-art.

278
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,520
Can you do it? I don't know.

279
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,600
Hang on, I might be onto something.

280
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,534
There's a trace of server activity
leading to a mainframe in Zurich.

281
00:18:55,559 --> 00:18:56,640
Christ, this could be it!

282
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,680
That EMP's gotta be located
and neutralised.

283
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,400
No-one leaves until we've found it.

284
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,640
I'll pretend I didn't hear that,
Andrew. Sir?

285
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,160
Your designated lunch hour
begins in two minutes.

286
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,640
Now, what do I always say?

287
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,880
For staff to function,
they have to luncheon.

288
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,840
But...

289
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,920
What kind of boss would I be
if I didn't practise what I preach?

290
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,280
Where would my staff morale-o-meter
be then?

291
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,520
In this case, sir,
I really don't think that matters.

292
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,000
The EMP is about to detonate!

293
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,680
And your blood sugar level's
about to crash through the floor.

294
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,160
Come on, you guys.

295
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,920
They're doing a meal deal
round the corner.

296
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,880
Buy a roasted winter vegetable panini,
get a free sparkling mineral water.

297
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,000
Go on, get your coats.
I'll bring the sudoku.

298
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:42,760
And that's expected to last at least
a fortnight, so do avoid that.

299
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:47,440
Science now, and Britain's Einsteins
are a-go-go over a new theory

300
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,240
which it's thought will revolutionise
our understanding of life,

301
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,320
the universe and pretty much
everything else.

302
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,400
Heterotic supersymmetry is said
to combine

303
00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,160
elements of string theory
with a new take on - now, hang on -

304
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,120
quantum chromodynamics.

305
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,800
Try saying that
when you've had a few.

306
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,880
And it's the brainchild of
Professor Alan King.

307
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,560
Professor King, good morning.

308
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:10,600
Good morning.

309
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,000
Can you just briefly

310
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,120
take us through this new theory
of yours, in layman's terms?

311
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,200
No.

312
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,440
All I'm after is just a broad-stroke
explanation, if you like.

313
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,000
There isn't one.

314
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,680
OK.

315
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,120
What if you were to take us
through the whole thing,

316
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,760
starting with the real basics
and just working our way up?

317
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,920
OK, yeah. We could definitely do
that.

318
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,520
It will take a long time. How long?

319
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,200
11 years.

320
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,760
Right. I'm being told
we don't have quite that long.

321
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,280
Professor, some of our viewers
are quite smart.

322
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,600
Perhaps there's someone watching
at the moment

323
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,800
who's capable of understanding
your theory.

324
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,840
There isn't.
How can you be so sure?

325
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,200
'Cause Graham's on holiday
and Cheung-Yow's dead.

326
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,720
Professor King, thank you.
My pleasure.

327
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,160
So the evening had been replete with
the requisite amounts of toodle and pip,

328
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,840
until things - as they are wont to do
on these occasions -

329
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,520
started to get somewhat out of hand.

330
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,240
So much so that the long arm of the
L was obliged to pay us a visit.

331
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,680
Then I believe I can deduce the
fateful outcome of your soiree, sir.

332
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,040
Remarkable, Veal.

333
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,080
No doubt egged on by your fellow
Idiots Club committee members,

334
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,000
you informed the unfortunate
constable

335
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,920
that his shoelaces were untied
before making off with his helmet.

336
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,520
No, I smashed a glass in his face,

337
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,080
stabbed him repeatedly with a steak
knife and then kicked his head in.

338
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,760
I really am the most terrible
nincompoop. Right.

339
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,200
I gather the young constable clings
to life, as the poets would have it.

340
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,040
Even so, I expect the peelers will be
keen to whisk me off to chokey.

341
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,720
Indeed, sir.

342
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,600
So now then, Veal, I need you
to devise one of your famous schemes

343
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,680
to extract me from this ghastly
syllabub.

344
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:57,320
Perhaps if sir were to find someone with
an uncanny resemblance to yourself, sir.

345
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,560
Of course! Cousin Thomas!
We're the very spit of each other.

346
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,960
Brilliant, Veal.

347
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,080
And if you cudgel him into a stupor
and cut out his tongue with a paring knife,

348
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,080
he wont be able to
defend himself in court.

349
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,680
Veal, you've done it again.

350
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,400
Have I, sir?

351
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,880
Most gratifying, sir.

352
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:18,920
Ooh, it doesn't get much better than
this.

353
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,600
Mmm. What?

354
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,640
Phil! No, we can't.

355
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,280
No, it wouldn't be hygienic.

356
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:32,280
Perfect, 'cause what I've got in mind
is very dirty indeed.

357
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,440
GASPS: Jesus!

358
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,000
Jesus Christ!

359
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,240
No, Jim Talon.

360
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,960
Only joking. His face!

361
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:48,520
Oh, it's a cracking facility this,
isn't it? Aloha.

362
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,320
Aloh... Actually, no, hang on, Jim.
Not aloha. What's going on?

363
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,840
How long were you down there?
Oh, just under four minutes.

364
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,040
Trying to starve my brain of oxygen

365
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:02,000
to try and forget my wife, who ran off
with the DJ at our wedding reception.

366
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,920
Oh...yeah. Sorry, Jim.
How are you coping?

367
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,480
Yeah, all right, Phil.
Let it go, mate.

368
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,600
You're like a dog with a bone,
you shithouse!

369
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,840
I think I need to starve my brain
of oxygen again. See you in a bit.

370
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,400
Come on. He's just a bit lonely.
Yeah, I know.

371
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:22,120
I just think I'm getting compassion
fatigue, or at least Jim Talon fatigue.

372
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:23,800
He's just everywhere you look.

373
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,240
SIGHS

374
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,600
It's the business, this, isn't it?
Eh?

375
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,040
I'm so relaxed I could pee.

376
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:42,400
Relax, OK? Ho'okahi kahi ke aloha.

377
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,560
Do you mind doing the other foot,
Phil? You've already done that one.

378
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,000
Oh, God almighty!

379
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,520
No, I keep telling you - Jim Talon.
Badoom-tsh!

380
00:23:57,120 --> 00:24:00,000
Eh? Phil, you wanna give your
shoulder a wash. You've got a mark.

381
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,400
Oh, it's not a mark.

382
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,880
Well, it is in a way, honey.
It's a mark of our love.

383
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,240
We went to the tattooist today, Jim.

384
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,480
It wasn't planned,
we were just feeling a bit reckless.

385
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,600
Eh? Enough respect, Phil.
Let's have a look.

386
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:12,680
Here you go.

387
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,440
O ho'okahi kahi ke aloha.

388
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,520
What's that mean?

389
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,360
BOTH: "Be one in love."

390
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:19,840
Aw, that is nice.

391
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,840
And look. There's mine, look.
You see?

392
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,520
Oh, that is so beautiful.

393
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,960
You guys have got me
in tears now, 'cause, you know,

394
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,440
you two are just so happy.

395
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,240
Come on.

396
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:34,080
You know the really amazing thing?
I got a tattoo today as well.

397
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,400
Yeah. Mine's of a DJ
being strangled by a snake.

398
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,440
I can make the snake move, look.

399
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,160
What's the status?

400
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,080
Ruth's got through the primary
firewall, but it's still locked down.

401
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,320
How long?
10 minutes. 15 at the outside.

402
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,640
We may not have that, Ruth.
We're on borrowed time as it is.

403
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,280
Coming back from lunch via
the toy museum really didn't help.

404
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,600
I could try the satellite networks.
Do it!

405
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,280
That EMP could detonate any second.
Ruth, check the intel again.

406
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,320
Sir, I can only do
one thing at a time.

407
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,120
It looks like you could do with some
help.

408
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,640
I think I may have the solution.

409
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,120
I'm assigning a new top-notch
specialist to your team.

410
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:17,160
Thank you, sir.

411
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,160
Meet Susie,
from Wellness in the Workplace.

412
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:22,880
ANDREW: What?

413
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,440
She's a masseuse, Andrew.

414
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,680
Tension is the real ticking bomb.

415
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,680
Time to take off that stress vest.

416
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,280
Sir, this is ridiculous.
Come on.

417
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,160
We really don't have time for this!

418
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,680
Sir, I think I've cracked their
sanctuary protocols. What now?

419
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,680
What? OW!

420
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,560
Just try and relax, sir.

421
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,560
Don't go asking for a happy ending.

422
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,880
You know we're often accused of being
a pair of old stick-in-the-muds,

423
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,800
overly conservative, set in our ways

424
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,400
but nothing could be further
from the truth, could it, Fyffe?

425
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,920
Not true at all. Mmm.

426
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,920
I'm very fond of Turkish food,
for example.

427
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,920
He is, he is.

428
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,320
And Fyffe here enjoys experimenting
with recreational drugs.

429
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:04,000
What is the pharmaceutical du jour,
Fyffe?

430
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,880
Amphetamines, mainly. Some MDMA.

431
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,040
You like to sprinkle it over
cornflakes, don't you?

432
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,840
Well, it depends what it's been cut
with.

433
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,920
And just to show that we're not
scared of moving with the times,

434
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,040
we've even decided to upgrade our
piano.

435
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,600
Brabbins and Fyffe 2.0.

436
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:22,600
And I believe you have a costume
change to go with that.

437
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,880
And I hope this song goes

438
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,440
some way to prove what a pair
of swingers we actually are.

439
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:39,360
# What must it be like to be gay

440
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:46,160
# In truth, I can't honestly say

441
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,640
# To me there's something silly

442
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,960
# About another man's willy

443
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:58,120
# That would really only
get in the way

444
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,440
# What must it be like to be gay

445
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,960
# What do you do?

446
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,960
# How do you do it?
What do you say?

447
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:09,160
# In the bedroom do you toss a coin?

448
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:14,240
# Or can you just assume
that each of you will know exactly

449
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,480
# Who does what to whom?

450
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,280
# Better to give than to receive,
they say

451
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,000
# I wonder if that's true
when you're gay

452
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,120
# When you're gay, when you're gay

453
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:29,560
# It's not all about the bedroom
when you're gay

454
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,920
# There's Liza Minnelli

455
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,160
# Old soaps on the telly

456
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,120
# And Ronnie Kray

457
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,600
# You get a lovely camp perspective

458
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:38,400
# On all sorts of things in life

459
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:42,600
# Interior design becomes a joy
and not a strife

460
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:46,680
# And cottaging no longer means
wet weekends with the wife

461
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:50,480
# When you're gay, when you're gay
When you're gay

462
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:54,920
# But let's be serious for a minute
If we may

463
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:59,520
# It can't all be fun and laughter
Being gay

464
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:04,200
# Certain folks' intolerance
puts a spanner in the works

465
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,040
# One suspects it's double bluffing

466
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,800
# Perhaps they're jealous
of the perks

467
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,360
# 'Cause you can drench yourself
in sequins

468
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,920
# And party till it hurts

469
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:17,240
# When you're gay, when you're gay

470
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:21,400
# When you're gay. #

471
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,560
APPLAUSE

472
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,200
Secondary firewall down.
Come on, Tom.

473
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:53,360
Iterating the access code.

474
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:54,800
20 seconds. We're through!

475
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,040
We just need to retrieve
the satellite co-ordinates.

476
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:58,520
Coming through now.

477
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,640
Oh. What? What?

478
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:04,360
We've lost power, sir.
The entire network's gone down.

479
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,760
Everything's offline.

480
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:10,000
5.30, gentlemen. Go home.