THEME MUSIC PLAYS
You know, Miranda just... That's not fair.
You see... That is not fair!
Miranda.
We'll just let Mike say his bit, then you can respond. OK?
Well, Miranda too often just will not listen to what I've got to say.
Miranda, will you acknowledge that,
in light of everything else we've spoken of this afternoon?
Yes.
Excellent.
Yeah, excellent.
I feel real progress has been made this session, real progress.
But I want you both to reflect on everything
we've spoken about this afternoon, yeah?
And everything each of you has had to say to the other.
We'll continue this exploration next week.
OK. Well done. Well done, both of you.
Thank you. Thanks. Thank you.
Kill them!
Date me up, people.
Nobody likes Adrian Chiles any more. Right.
Olive oil goes well with vanilla ice cream. Yes.
Martin Sheen's been arrested 70 times. Naughty boy.
Gone With The Wind drags on. Prove it.
Your hall carpet's looking tatty. Right.
Eamonn Holmes could definitely have you. Sorry.
Hmm. Cancel the fight.
Towelling nappies are a pain to wash.
Received. You hardly ever see white eggs.
OK. Stevie Wonder's put on three stone.
Keep an eye on him. Ah, Martin. We need to catch up.
Clear your desk. You're fired. What?
Jelly won't set with pineapple in. Gotcha.
Your things, sir.
Right. Right. Thanks, Declan.
If you'd like to come with me...
Hi there. What can I do for you?
I'd like to use a sun bed, please.
Have you used a sun bed before?
Yeah, yeah. OK.
Follow me!
Agent Zanzibar, it's a privilege. Listen, we haven't got long.
Senex is due to land tonight, but there's nothing on the wires.
You'll need to contact Cello-man... Sorry, what?
You need to contact Cello-man.
I think there's been some sort of mistake. I'm not, you know...
Agent Zanzibar? No, no, no.
Right. I'm not an agent.
No, it's just you said, "I'd like to use a sun bed, please,"
I said, "Have you used a sun bed before?" You said, "Yes."
What, you'd REALLY like to use a sun bed?
Well, if that's possible.
This is a tanning salon, right?
Oh, bugger.
No, it's my fault. No, I can see now.
I should have picked a better password.
It's just "Ducks flying south" felt a bit old hat
and I did have "The beaver's making a comeback,"
but that's very hard to work into a conversation.
Not to worry. I'll just have 10 minutes in one of the stand-up ones, please.
Yeah, but I don't really think I should let you go now, you know.
You now know all about Cello-man.
Not really. I'd have forgotten if you hadn't mentioned him.
I have just mentioned him.
I really don't think this is...
DOORBELL CHIMES
Hello. What can I do for you?
Do you do spray tanning? Have you brought paper underwear?
Oh, no. I thought you provided it.
OK. Wait there.
Good luck, Red Admiral. Go, go, go!
MAN: My name is Dr Tia.
I live in Botswana, saving lives.
Do you?
This is Comyango.
The villagers thought an evil spirit had taken his breath away,
so they sent him to the makatalaywiktala, or shaman.
Poor Comyango returned to the village, ravaged and wheezing,
his poor lungs strung out like gut across a racquet.
It seems the shaman's spirits were not in a healing mood.
I, on the other hand, was.
Superstition and mummery are so deeply ingrained
in these beautiful, noble minds
that even the evidence of their own eyes will not persuade them otherwise.
I have no desire to change the culture of a continent.
Just the simple knowledge that I can do a little bit to earn their reverence
is reward enough for a white devil like me.
Them yats is bare choong, isn't it?
Fo' shizzle. They is buff.
We's in there big time, bred.
You know what I mean? The blonde one was eyeing my packet.
You see her, clocking my unit and all this?
It's a good look for you, man. You look well nang. Respect.
You know what I mean? You can see all, like, my pants and this and that.
You can see all your pants.
If someone looks, they can see all your pants.
Here, they're looking over.
It's bait, blud. They's much better than them girls we saw Tuesday.
Them gyaldem was butters.
Did you hear what my one said? This is her -
"Must be frightening facing death in the skies." So this is me...
"Are you calling me chicken?" Yeah, fo' sho'.
"Are you saying I is scared and all shit up? Cos I is nails, man."
When I got my BCG, I didn't even cry.
These girls are class, though, so we need to treat them classy.
Isn't it, though? Classy.
So, there's your drinks and shit.
That's very kind.
We were just talking about the new Glenn Miller record.
Oh, yes. We've been listening to it in our digs. It's wonderful.
Glenn Miller? Shame, man. He's such a lamer.
Glenn Miller sucks arse. He's sold out big time.
You know what I'm saying? Benny Goodman shits all over Glenn Miller.
By the way, you owe us 1d 6s.
What for? The drinks.
Oh. Sorry, I thought you bought them for us.
Duh!
That would be, like, sexist.
It would be sexism, which is like racism except against women,
so it's, like, not as bad, but still really bad.
By the way, I saw you clocking my packet just now.
I'm sorry?
Would you like to go round the back of the hangar for tops and fingers?
Actually, we're going to go and talk to our friends.
Yes. I've never been so insulted in my life.
You are so in there.
Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it, though?
Fo' sho'.
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS
I'm here in the Keukenhof Gardens in the Dutch university town of Leiden
to see a truly remarkable tulip - this one.
Semper Augustus. Also known as the Viceroy.
Believe it or not,
the growth of an entire culture was founded on this pretty-looking flower.
The Dutch cultivated them and a craze was born.
In 1634, it was recorded that a single bulb of this variety
was exchanged for 1,000lb of cheese,
eight pigs, 12 sheep and a glazed porcelain commode.
The Viceroy had been thought extinct for over 200 years.
That is, until now.
Just a few weeks ago, a single flower was found in a copse near Antwerp.
And this is it.
From this lone, priceless specimen,
a once great variety of truly extraordinary cultural significance
is to be revived by the horticul...
SMASH!
DOG YELPS
STATELY MUSIC PLAYS
VOICEOVER: If your family's refrigerator has had its day,
remember - dispose of it properly.
Don't dump it in a residential area.
Poor children could play in it and get trapped inside.
Don't leave it on the roadside.
Itinerants might find it and it could end up back in a shop.
When dumping white goods, be responsible.
Go the extra mile.
And then...and then on Terry's stag do
we made him wear this pink miniskirt all night.
That is nothing, that is nothing.
Doug's stag do, right, we got him completely wasted
and when he's passed out in his room, we creep in, shave one of his eyebrows off.
Seriously, in his wedding photos, he's like this.
Honestly, he looks such a tit. He's got no eyebrow!
I once played a really good stag joke that totally weirded the guy out.
Sounds good.
This friend of mine, Simon, was getting married
and I got him to pass out after drinking loads of that green stuff.
Oh, Midori. Oh, Midori.
Potassium hypochlorite.
Yeah, I got it from a Russian website.
Rendered him completely unconscious.
Anyway, he woke up in bed the next day.
You know, couldn't remember the night before or what I'd done to him.
Shaved his pubes off. Bet he shaved his pubes.
His fiancée Katie was lying next to him and she went down under the sheets
to, you know, make his day a bit special.
Anyway, he laid back, watching her, you know. Little bit woozy.
Anyway, as soon as she started, he knew something was wrong.
Shaved his pubes off.
Something was different. He couldn't work it out.
Then suddenly Katie started laughing, you know,
and he looked down at her, you know, and he realised...
He froze, his mouth dropped open 'cause it wasn't her at all,
it was me wearing a wig and a mask!
Little bit too weird or...?
Hello.
Yeah, hi.
Big day? Just a bit, yeah.
June, he's getting married. Oh. Sorry, I'm in a rush.
I need cash to pay the caterers before going to the church,
and I'm on double yellows. No problem, sir. How much did you want?
£400, please.
OK. Just pop your card in there.
Now, were you aware that you're eligible for a credit card,
interest free until next September?
Sorry, I'm not really interested.
Sorry, like I said, I'm in a bit of a rush.
You literally just have to sign a couple of forms.
Yeah, I'm really sorry, maybe another time.
We are able to offer you, as an opening offer,
a free all-expenses-paid,
three-star Clacy's Hotels city break for two to Dusseldorf,
including free transfers and complimentary champagne.
I'm getting married in less than half an hour!
Might be a nice little wedding present, sir.
It is 0%.
Look, if I've just gotta sign a couple of forms...
Marvellous. Just bear with with me a second.
No, no. Wait, wait!
Mr Duggan?
Yeah? Hi.
I understand you're interested in our credit card offer.
Well, sort of. The thing is, I am in a bit of a rush.
Oh, it'll only take a second,
and I imagine your wife will be very excited by the trip to Dusseldorf.
The hospitality really is top class.
Yeah, look, I'm on a double yellow, so...
Yes, no problem. Shall we go into my office?
Please, have a seat. I'll be back in a jiffy.
Right.
What?
SIGHS
Argh!
For God's sake, I've got to be at St Christopher's in 10 minutes!
Just a few formalities, if you'd like to follow me.
You know, when you get to Dusseldorf, you really have got to try the mustard.
MAN: Enter.
Sit down, please, Mr Duggan.
Actually, I've changed my mind. Sit...down.
So, Mr Duggan, you want a credit card.
Well, no. You see...
We don't just give them out like sweets, Mr Duggan.
It's a grave responsibility.
We've been doing a bit of digging.
It seems that in the past you've developed, shall we say,
a laissez-faire approach to making certain payments on time.
Sorry, what payments?
A gas bill from your student days.
Oh. God, yeah, but I... So you don't deny it?
No. No, no, I don't. That's better, Mr Duggan.
You seem contrite, Mr Duggan.
We are pleased to approve your application.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Please, take this to the room opposite.
Oh, and Mr Duggan...
..enjoy Dusseldorf.
I hear it has a thriving jazz fusion scene.
NO!
Who are you?
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I live here, mate. Who the bloody hell are you?
Me? I'm Jeff.
Jeff? Is that you?
Oh, Carol. Look, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I got caught up at the bank. What's going on?
You've been gone five years, Jeff.
I've moved on. I'm married to Barry.
I've got a new family now. You don't understand.
I got us this free weekend for two to Dusseldorf.
They're gonna pick us up from the airport.
There's nothing there, Jeff. It's just a German town.
How do you think they can afford to just give it away?
But...
Maybe you should lay off the credit cards for a bit.
Eh, mate?
Ooh.
5% cash back and a free trip to Antwerp.
Pre-approved!
SPEAKS FRENCH
Oh, brilliant.
SPEAKS FRENCH
What have we got?
We know Hosseini's men have planted the EMP in this sector of the city,
but to get its exact location I'll have to hack their network.
That won't be easy?
I wish. Their firewalls and encryption algorithms are state-of-the-art.
Can you do it? I don't know.
Hang on, I might be onto something.
There's a trace of server activity leading to a mainframe in Zurich.
Christ, this could be it!
That EMP's gotta be located and neutralised.
No-one leaves until we've found it.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Andrew. Sir?
Your designated lunch hour begins in two minutes.
Now, what do I always say?
For staff to function, they have to luncheon.
But...
What kind of boss would I be if I didn't practise what I preach?
Where would my staff morale-o-meter be then?
In this case, sir, I really don't think that matters.
The EMP is about to detonate!
And your blood sugar level's about to crash through the floor.
Come on, you guys.
They're doing a meal deal round the corner.
Buy a roasted winter vegetable panini, get a free sparkling mineral water.
Go on, get your coats. I'll bring the sudoku.
And that's expected to last at least a fortnight, so do avoid that.
Science now, and Britain's Einsteins are a-go-go over a new theory
which it's thought will revolutionise our understanding of life,
the universe and pretty much everything else.
Heterotic supersymmetry is said to combine
elements of string theory with a new take on - now, hang on -
quantum chromodynamics.
Try saying that when you've had a few.
And it's the brainchild of Professor Alan King.
Professor King, good morning.
Good morning.
Can you just briefly
take us through this new theory of yours, in layman's terms?
No.
All I'm after is just a broad-stroke explanation, if you like.
There isn't one.
OK.
What if you were to take us through the whole thing,
starting with the real basics and just working our way up?
OK, yeah. We could definitely do that.
It will take a long time. How long?
11 years.
Right. I'm being told we don't have quite that long.
Professor, some of our viewers are quite smart.
Perhaps there's someone watching at the moment
who's capable of understanding your theory.
There isn't. How can you be so sure?
'Cause Graham's on holiday and Cheung-Yow's dead.
Professor King, thank you. My pleasure.
So the evening had been replete with the requisite amounts of toodle and pip,
until things - as they are wont to do on these occasions -
started to get somewhat out of hand.
So much so that the long arm of the L was obliged to pay us a visit.
Then I believe I can deduce the fateful outcome of your soiree, sir.
Remarkable, Veal.
No doubt egged on by your fellow Idiots Club committee members,
you informed the unfortunate constable
that his shoelaces were untied before making off with his helmet.
No, I smashed a glass in his face,
stabbed him repeatedly with a steak knife and then kicked his head in.
I really am the most terrible nincompoop. Right.
I gather the young constable clings to life, as the poets would have it.
Even so, I expect the peelers will be keen to whisk me off to chokey.
Indeed, sir.
So now then, Veal, I need you to devise one of your famous schemes
to extract me from this ghastly syllabub.
Perhaps if sir were to find someone with an uncanny resemblance to yourself, sir.
Of course! Cousin Thomas! We're the very spit of each other.
Brilliant, Veal.
And if you cudgel him into a stupor and cut out his tongue with a paring knife,
he wont be able to defend himself in court.
Veal, you've done it again.
Have I, sir?
Most gratifying, sir.
Ooh, it doesn't get much better than this.
Mmm. What?
Phil! No, we can't.
No, it wouldn't be hygienic.
Perfect, 'cause what I've got in mind is very dirty indeed.
GASPS: Jesus!
Jesus Christ!
No, Jim Talon.
Only joking. His face!
Oh, it's a cracking facility this, isn't it? Aloha.
Aloh... Actually, no, hang on, Jim. Not aloha. What's going on?
How long were you down there? Oh, just under four minutes.
Trying to starve my brain of oxygen
to try and forget my wife, who ran off with the DJ at our wedding reception.
Oh...yeah. Sorry, Jim. How are you coping?
Yeah, all right, Phil. Let it go, mate.
You're like a dog with a bone, you shithouse!
I think I need to starve my brain of oxygen again. See you in a bit.
Come on. He's just a bit lonely. Yeah, I know.
I just think I'm getting compassion fatigue, or at least Jim Talon fatigue.
He's just everywhere you look.
SIGHS
It's the business, this, isn't it? Eh?
I'm so relaxed I could pee.
Relax, OK? Ho'okahi kahi ke aloha.
Do you mind doing the other foot, Phil? You've already done that one.
Oh, God almighty!
No, I keep telling you - Jim Talon. Badoom-tsh!
Eh? Phil, you wanna give your shoulder a wash. You've got a mark.
Oh, it's not a mark.
Well, it is in a way, honey. It's a mark of our love.
We went to the tattooist today, Jim.
It wasn't planned, we were just feeling a bit reckless.
Eh? Enough respect, Phil. Let's have a look.
Here you go.
O ho'okahi kahi ke aloha.
What's that mean?
BOTH: "Be one in love."
Aw, that is nice.
And look. There's mine, look. You see?
Oh, that is so beautiful.
You guys have got me in tears now, 'cause, you know,
you two are just so happy.
Come on.
You know the really amazing thing? I got a tattoo today as well.
Yeah. Mine's of a DJ being strangled by a snake.
I can make the snake move, look.
What's the status?
Ruth's got through the primary firewall, but it's still locked down.
How long? 10 minutes. 15 at the outside.
We may not have that, Ruth. We're on borrowed time as it is.
Coming back from lunch via the toy museum really didn't help.
I could try the satellite networks. Do it!
That EMP could detonate any second. Ruth, check the intel again.
Sir, I can only do one thing at a time.
It looks like you could do with some help.
I think I may have the solution.
I'm assigning a new top-notch specialist to your team.
Thank you, sir.
Meet Susie, from Wellness in the Workplace.
ANDREW: What?
She's a masseuse, Andrew.
Tension is the real ticking bomb.
Time to take off that stress vest.
Sir, this is ridiculous. Come on.
We really don't have time for this!
Sir, I think I've cracked their sanctuary protocols. What now?
What? OW!
Just try and relax, sir.
Don't go asking for a happy ending.
You know we're often accused of being a pair of old stick-in-the-muds,
overly conservative, set in our ways
but nothing could be further from the truth, could it, Fyffe?
Not true at all. Mmm.
I'm very fond of Turkish food, for example.
He is, he is.
And Fyffe here enjoys experimenting with recreational drugs.
What is the pharmaceutical du jour, Fyffe?
Amphetamines, mainly. Some MDMA.
You like to sprinkle it over cornflakes, don't you?
Well, it depends what it's been cut with.
And just to show that we're not scared of moving with the times,
we've even decided to upgrade our piano.
Brabbins and Fyffe 2.0.
And I believe you have a costume change to go with that.
And I hope this song goes
some way to prove what a pair of swingers we actually are.
# What must it be like to be gay
# In truth, I can't honestly say
# To me there's something silly
# About another man's willy
# That would really only get in the way
# What must it be like to be gay
# What do you do?
# How do you do it? What do you say?
# In the bedroom do you toss a coin?
# Or can you just assume that each of you will know exactly
# Who does what to whom?
# Better to give than to receive, they say
# I wonder if that's true when you're gay
# When you're gay, when you're gay
# It's not all about the bedroom when you're gay
# There's Liza Minnelli
# Old soaps on the telly
# And Ronnie Kray
# You get a lovely camp perspective
# On all sorts of things in life
# Interior design becomes a joy and not a strife
# And cottaging no longer means wet weekends with the wife
# When you're gay, when you're gay When you're gay
# But let's be serious for a minute If we may
# It can't all be fun and laughter Being gay
# Certain folks' intolerance puts a spanner in the works
# One suspects it's double bluffing
# Perhaps they're jealous of the perks
# 'Cause you can drench yourself in sequins
# And party till it hurts
# When you're gay, when you're gay
# When you're gay. #
APPLAUSE
Secondary firewall down. Come on, Tom.
Iterating the access code.
20 seconds. We're through!
We just need to retrieve the satellite co-ordinates.
Coming through now.
Oh. What? What?
We've lost power, sir. The entire network's gone down.
Everything's offline.
5.30, gentlemen. Go home.