A round table, liege?
Yes, Sir Baldred, a round table
around which may flow the discourse of equals,
a stage upon which no man has presence.
I defer to you as you defer to me.
And having neither head nor tail, we are a body of equal parts,
and as equals, we shall prosper.
Gentlemen...please.
Right, what's first up?
Well, we've been married for... BOTH: ...23 years.
We met at a... BOTH: ...youth club dance.
Yeah, she was the... BOTH: ...prettiest girl there.
And he was wearing his... BOTH: ...dad's shirt.
Janet's the... BOTH: ...managing director
of a very well-known retail outlet in Loughborough.
I mean, not the managing director of the whole company,
just the manager of one of the branches, but a very good living nonetheless.
And Clive's a... BOTH: ...Nazi sympathiser.
DANCE MUSIC
Any luck? Not so much as a nibble.
Where did you say you heard about this place?
Facebook.
It seems to be how they do everything nowadays.
I looked at that...um...MySpace.
Eegh!
Apparently hardly anybody uses it now. It's all Twitter.
Whatter? Doesn't matter.
Ugh! Will you look at the state of that?
500 years of sartorial tradition...
I was just chatting to a "PA"
in the "chill out" room.
I gave her the classic
"Did you ever wish to remain for ever young, sweet princess?"
Nothing? She laughed.
She...She actually laughed.
What's become of this world, Horschstadt?
It was on this very day in 1862 I seduced the Comtesse di Vittoria
to the soaring violin of Johann Strauss himself.
I drained her body of life on the balcony of the Schloss Charlottenburg
while the crowned heads of Europe thronged below.
I ended up with Pat from Barnsley the other night.
She was down on a shopping trip.
Can't get rid of the taste.
All right, gents?
Yes, yes, yes, good evening. Thank you.
I'm feelin' the look, man. Old school.
D'you mind? We're busy.
HISSES
Easy, Batman. Don't get your cape in a twist.
Oh, for goodness' sake, stop lolling about.
Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
(WHISPERS) Horschstadt! What?
Far side of the room, green top. I think we're in business.
Where? Don't look. I said don't look!
Mm! Yeah! Tasty!
Silence, young pup!
See the masters at work.
WIND WHISTLES
Since when could vampires do that?
All Bar One for last orders? Come on, then.
Oh, for God's sake! Get a room!
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Rory spotted this dead badger
by the side of the road.
Britain's country roads are literally covered
in delicious, fresh, ready-to-eat organic meat.
You've just got to scrape it up and stick it in a pan.
That's right, dude. Now, what a lot of people don't know
is that badger's got a taste halfway between venison and wild boar.
Delicious! Only trouble is, it's probably had things crawling over it.
We don't know how long it's been there. And it's got bits on it.
Plus, one of us would have to get the fur off, and we don't know how.
Why take any chances when there's a Sainsbury's two miles that way.
Oh, I might have me loyalty card. Oooh!
Get in!
Who makes it happen? We do!
Hey! Come on!
(PLUMMY ACCENTS) Right! This is it, chaps.
We land in Normandy in five minutes
and I wish you all the best of British because, well,
I'm sure you all know too well what we can expect on that beach.
It's weird that Curly Wilson let us take his place on this French trip, isn't it?
He must be a colossal gaylord.
Fo sho, man. He's missing out big time.
I love the seaside, isn't it?
It's all, like, sandy or pebbly or some shit like that
and you can see ladies' nudey legs in their bathing costumes.
And sometimes a little bit of pube sticks out?
And you can see, like, the little bit of pubes and all this sticking out?
Classic!
Is you going to get chips and shit?
Oh, yeah. I's going to get chips and shit and a saveloy and all this
and I's going to put on so much vinegar that my lips turn all blue
and I look like my nan did when her neck stopped working.
Lush! You know if they has donkey rides on the beach here?
Yeah. Like, donkey rides all up the beach?
Yeah, all on a donkey and this, that and everything else, all donkeyed up.
Yeah, if they do have donkey rides, right?
If they do has donkey rides, I ain't doing no donkey rides.
Cos donkey rides is cruel, blud. They don't like, aks, the donkey.
They just make them do it
with a gun or a whip or electric or a blade or some shit like that.
It's like a kind of slavery.
I mean, how would you like it
if a fat man sat on your back and made you do stuff?
Talking about my granddad?
What?
Forget it?
We're almost there.
Aren't you going to black your faces for camouflage?
Do I look like a mad racist?
This isn't the olden times, man. This is nowadays.
You need to get some diversity training. Big time.
Sir, we're here! Right! Company, atten...tion!
Why's he so strict, man?
I don't know, man. He's, like, really uptight.
Some people never relax on holiday, isn't it?
This is it! DRAMATIC DRUMS
This is D-Day!
This is where we end this war. Good luck, chaps. Go, go, go!
I don't think I'll bother. It's really crowded.
Yeah, man. It's well rammed.
We'll never get a deckchair or a Mivvi and the bogs are gonna be rank.
Why so many people, blud? I don't know.
Must be half-term.
MUSIC BLARES
MAN CRIES OUT Pass me more linen, damn it!
It won't clot. You and you, talk to him. Hold his hand.
The other one!
I'm going to have to cauterise. Fetch me a fresh candle.
Tines! Grab me a handful of powder from the gun.
Not deserting us are you, Mr Tines?
Getting a candle, sir. Cornwall's wound won't heal.
Very good. Problem, Mr Talbot?
It won't clot, damn it! I don't know what to do.
We losing him. Where's that candle and powder?
Oh, it's worse than that, Talbot. I'll take over.
You, take off his trousers. Sir?
You heard me, man. Take off his bloody trousers.
That's it, right. Now, lift his leg.
Higher, Lord love you, and wider!
Come on, Talbot, come down here.
I have to keep pressure on... Don't worry about his arm.
He's lost it already, hasn't he? Come down here quickly.
Right, good. Now, shout.
Huh? Up him.
Up?
Oh, for God's sake, Tommy. There's no time to be coy.
Get your mouth down there and shout up his arsehole.
Go on, do it! SHOUTS
No, shout, man. Louder!
SHOUTS
Oh, here, look, you take this.
BELLOWS
He's gone. What?
He's gone, sir. No, that can't be.
Talbot, come back down. Take his leg. We can bring him back.
BELLOWS
That's it. Higher, now.
BELLOWS Come on, boys, we can do it.
BELLOWS
Well, we met at school and started going out and never looked back.
Obviously I was fired for that.
BELL DINGS
(BORED) Hello. Welcome to Brady's.
I'm Brady the Bear.
Bear cubs menu till six. Enjoy your meal. In the back, please.
Thank you, Brady. There we are. Say thank you.
BOTH: Thank you.
Yeah, whatever.
Is Brady a real bear? Yes, course he is, darling.
Nope.
He said no. Well, let's pretend that you are.
Let's not. For the children?
Right. So you think they'd like that, would they?
Think your kids would like to walk into a restaurant
and be seated by an actual grizzly bear?
Who would be, let's face it, habituated to human contact
and therefore far more likely to engage in a lethal attack.
Is that what they'd like?
A cuff from a 500-pound wild animal so powerful,
a single blow from one of his non-retractable claws
is capable of concussing a horse?
Come on, Marcus.
Or maybe a bite.
Or perhaps they'd like to be dragged off into the undergrowth
and remain 100% conscious
while a fully grown bruin sits on their face and eats their guts.
I'd like to see your manager.
You think I'm a bear?
Did you hear me? Dd-dd-dd! And why not?
Because you can talk. Yup. There you go.
Or you could have said because I'm not hibernating
or because I'm standing permanently on my hind legs
or because I'm wearing dungarees.
Is there a problem here? Yes, I'd like to...
You'd like to...?
I'd like to see the manager.
Yes, I'm the manager here. How can I help?
Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to be a bear as well.
Yeah, well, I'm not a real one.
If I was, I wouldn't be listening to customer complaints, would I?
I'd simply interpret those as a hostile act,
as a direct threat to my position as the alpha bear in the pack.
I'd probably rip off your lower jaw
and knock you from paw to paw and make off with one of the kids.
Exactly what I was saying.
And sit on his face while I eat his large intestine.
I said guts, but...
Tell you what, I'd probably just run off with the small one.
Right. Come on, darling.
No, no, no. Never walk away.
Sign of weakness. Classic mistake. BELL DINGS
Challenge or curl up into a foetus. Page one.
Shouldn't be out in the woods.
Tabs!
Oh, hi! Hi!
BOTH: Mwah! Mwah! Been shopping?
Yeah! Those tomatoes look lovely.
Yah, just picked them up at the supermarket.
Oh! Well, I know where you can get tomatoes just like that
for three times the price.
You're joking.
# Take me out to the ring road down beside the Laser Quest
# A little slice of Arcadia out the back of the Toys R Us
# 'Cause there the horny hands of toil sell muddy veg and rapeseed oil
# Brought straight from the farm for people like us
# There's ostrich steaks, smoked venison
# And eggs with shit and feathers on
# There's cauliflowers with gritty bits in-between
# If normal markets turn your head
# Then wheel your Bugaboo here instead
# It's the furthest thing from EastEnders you've ever seen
# The farmers' market The farmers' market
# I drive here in the Volvo and I park it
# Over a hundred spaces
# Market, the farmers' market
# I find any old crap and sell it in a basket
# Kumquats
# Bananas
# And cheese from Southern France
# Brought right here all freshly from the ground
# We've got cupcakes from our cupcake field
# Just harvested this morning
♪ They're yours for a steal at 6 for £30... ♪
I'll take the lot!
# ...Market, the farmers' market
# I'm no more a farmer
# Than Morten Harket
# Off of a-ha in the '80s
# But here are some fools and here's their money
# The two are so easily parted
# We'll soon have enough to buy a farm
# We've got flapjacks here
# And sugared mice
# Like a normal shop but not as nice
# And pieces of ham just under the price of gold
# Durian! Walnuts! Tangerines!
# And little Batman figurines
♪ All dug up this morning so they must be... ♪
Sold to the gentleman in the mustard cords.
# ...If you drive from junctions 2 to 4 and wondered what the queue was for
# It's the credulous masses of urban middle class
# And in the car park outside Discount Beds we don't pay any overheads
# So I make a small fortune sitting on my fat arse
# We're expanding to chairs this year
# We get all our stuff from Ikea
# And then we just give it some farmyard magic aid
# I've sold out my stock today Must put some more shit on display
♪ And then go home... ♪
(# A-HA: Take on Me)
# ...Market, the farmers' market
# If we clear 20 grand by lunch we've hit our target
# 'Cause here are some fools Here's our money
# The two are so easily parted
# We'll soon have enough
♪ To buy a farm. ♪
MOANING
Oh, shit!
What?
I forgot to put the bins out.
BIN LORRY RUMBLES
Oi!
Hey! Hey!
Bollocks!
I mean, love only lasts three months.
It's a medical fact. Yeah, because of too much chemicals.
Or not enough?
Because of an imbalance.
Yeah, it's a disorder, isn't it... Yeah.
...that eventually... That eventually becomes order.
Yeah, so...I mean, this...you know.
This is perfectly normal. Yeah, it's normal to be like this.
It's inevitable.
Your hand's on my leg. Sorry.
HORSE WHINNIES CHURCH BELL RINGS
Ah! Watson!
Hello, Holmes.
Um...
This is Torrance.
Emid Torrance.
Hello.
I see from your hat and pipe that you are a train driver.
No, Torrance. He's... He's a detective.
This is...Mr Holmes, my previous employer.
Oh, I see. Well, I should leave you to reacquaint yourselves.
You look good.
Thank you.
He seems nice.
Yes, yes, he's very nice. He's, um...
he's a very good detective.
But he spotted I was a train driver.
Don't start. I'm sorry.
So how are you? Are you...?
I'm fine.
The Royal Family have had a...
Mm? ...a diamond stolen,
so I'm just, um...
...poking around on that.
Good.
You?
Um...
Next-door neighbour's, um...
...cat has gone missing a couple of days ago,
and Torrance and I are, you know, helping her out.
Great.
It's work, you know.
You're living on Eustace Road, aren't you?
Yes, yes.
Isn't there a cat sanctuary at the end of Eustace Road?
Have you tried there?
BICYCLE BELL RINGS Oh!
No. No, we haven't.
No, I'm probably wrong anyway.
You know there's a cat sanctuary on Eustace Road?
Is there? They kept that quiet, didn't they?
You've lived there for two years.
Oh, look at that big dog!
It's a horse.
We'd better go.
Yes...yes, yes, of course.
My dear Watson.
This is fine fare, Mrs Digby.
Thank you, Mr Digby.
Thank God, rather, Mrs Digby, for He has provided us with all.
Amen.
Where is the child Abigail?
I would break fast with all three of my daughters.
Nathaniel, your daughter's took ill. Abigail!
Oh! Abigail, it's your mother. Abigail, speak to me.
Mum, help. What ails her, doctor?
I'm afraid, Nathaniel, your daughter is wit' child.
No! It cannot be!
Is this true?
Abigail, tell me the truth or my wrath will be unbridled.
Aye, Father, it's true.
SHOUTS Damn you, strumpet! Nathaniel!
This is the devil's work. It is his child.
Father, no! She has lain with the beast.
She must be purged.
She's your daughter. She shall burn at the stake,
for she's a witch. No! Abigail!
I will see the Lord's work done.
The Lord thy God is a righteous God and...
SILENCE
What is it?
I forgot to put the bins out.
Wait, prithee!
Hold fast, sir!
Bollocks!
THEY GRUNT
It's looking pretty bloody good out there.
Looks amazing. See you on the nursery slopes, eh?
You know, I reckon we should stay off the beaten track today,
break our legs in, and then go off-piste tomorrow.
Yeah, last time you said that, we got completely bloody lost.
No, I'm just saying we should take it easy - it's our first day.
Today we'll just get the big cable car...
Jesus! Tim!
Are you OK? I'll get an ambulance.
Thank you, thank you. Right, let's just try and get you up.
Come on. Ah, no, shit! That's broken.
Really? Oh, mate! What about if we just move you...?
We'll get a doctor, we're gonna get a doctor.
This isn't funny, but, er...
it did actually happen to a friend mine, so...
I don't know where they can have got to.
Well, don't worry, Marta. They're only a few minutes late.
Are we to be kept waiting much longer, Alan?
They're on their way, Granddad.
They were on their way...
15 minutes ago.
TEXT RINGTONE
Ah! That's them outside. I'll go and get them.
Back in a moment.
Remember - best behaviour.
Mm.
Mr and Mrs Grunwalt, I'd like you to meet my grandfather.
Major...
This is my grandfather, Rolf.
Major Archie Fenshaw, at your service.
GERMAN ACCENT Ah! A man of the military. Like myself.
So you fought for Hitler's army, then?
I fought for my country, if that's what you mean.
Fought and lost, if I'm not mistaken.
Ja.
Well, if we got the Americans to fight our battles for us,
perhaps the outcome would have been different.
OK, OK, steady on, you two. That was all a long time ago.
Not so long that we should forget...
...but long enough...
for us to forgive.
We have both seen far too much fighting in our lifetimes.
Ja.
The past is the past
and we are here to celebrate the future of our families.
For a minute there, I thought all hell was gonna break loose.
The last thing we need are arguments at the engagement party.
It'd be like bloody Jordan and Peter Andre.
Ah, ja. That poor girl.
I beg your pardon?
I don't know how she put up with that man in the first place.
Yes.
How ever did she put up with Peter Andre looking after her children
while she went out and flashed her chest for money?
How did she put up with him cooking and cleaning
while she was out riding horses?
Katie was supporting the whole family while he was doing nothing.
Nothing?
Was Insania nothing?
Number three in the UK charts. Is that your definition of "nothing"?
Nein.
My definition of "nothing"...
...is Peter Andre.
That's for Peter, Fritz!
Hee-ya!
And this is for Katie.
I see you picked up the first piece of meat that came to hand,
just like Jordan did with Alex Reid.
Right.
So where were we?
Just like Katie's Olympic dressage dream,
you write me off at your peril.
We all saw the video of her and Dane Bowers.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I started taking the pills religiously
twice a day, as instructed,
and exactly five weeks later -
the email had promised four to six weeks -
exactly five weeks later, this turns up.
I mean...
technically, I haven't got a leg to stand on.
SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT You're actually the first person to see this house.
It's not yet on the market.
As you can see, it's a great size for a family.
Yeah, a lot of the houses on this side of the road
will have this sort of layout,
which a lot of people knock through.
It's very nice. Mm.
Kitchen's fitted to the highest standards. Very modern, practical.
D'you mind if I, um...? No, go ahead.
Make yourself at home.
Oh, that's nice.
Ah, smooth, isn't it? Yeah, it runs on ball bearings, just to give it...
Oh, where's the...?
Where's the...? God!
SHOUTS Sandra! Where's the thing?
The thing!
The bloody thing!
Forget it!
Goodness! That is smooth, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah. All the drawers are fitted with a soft-close spring system.
Just, you know...it makes it, erm...
Oh, yes! I can see myself here.
A-ha! The Lazyboy, yes.
All the guys go straight for that one.
As I said in the office, the family are leaving the country,
so all the furnishings you see here, including the television set,
are available for...
purchase...
...ready for you to...
to move in and start enjoying...
your new home.
Hey! Sleepyhead!
What are you doing up?
Don't really like those pictures.
No, well, obviously you don't have to have anything here.
You take what you want, a sort of pick and mix
of...er...of...
Ah, yes, so one basin each, sort of his and hers.
No more argument!
Are you all right?
Can we not do this, please? I'm sorry?
Look, tonight is a big night for me, Sandra.
Can you please not ruin it for me by nit-picking.
Don't tell me what to wear!
Oh! Oh, my God! I didn't mean it.
Sandra?
Oh! Jesus!
No! CRIES
SHOUTS Sandra!
No, I like it. Can we have a look at the garden?
It's a south-facing garden, so it gets plenty of light.
Don't look at me! Eugh! Don't look at me!
Oliver!
Take your sister inside.
Don't look at me!