1
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,680
A round table, liege?

2
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,360
Yes, Sir Baldred, a round table

3
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,440
around which may flow
the discourse of equals,

4
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:45,200
a stage upon which
no man has presence.

5
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,120
I defer to you as you defer to me.

6
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:55,800
And having neither head nor tail,
we are a body of equal parts,

7
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,400
and as equals, we shall prosper.

8
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,720
Gentlemen...please.

9
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,680
Right, what's first up?

10
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,880
Well, we've been married for...
BOTH: ...23 years.

11
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,960
We met at a...
BOTH: ...youth club dance.

12
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,200
Yeah, she was the...
BOTH: ...prettiest girl there.

13
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,080
And he was wearing his...
BOTH: ...dad's shirt.

14
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,120
Janet's the...
BOTH: ...managing director

15
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,360
of a very well-known retail outlet
in Loughborough.

16
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,440
I mean, not the managing director
of the whole company,

17
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,880
just the manager of one of the branches,
but a very good living nonetheless.

18
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,280
And Clive's a...
BOTH: ...Nazi sympathiser.

19
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,880
DANCE MUSIC

20
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,360
Any luck?
Not so much as a nibble.

21
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,960
Where did you say you heard
about this place?

22
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,720
Facebook.

23
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,120
It seems to be how they do
everything nowadays.

24
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:50,000
I looked at that...um...MySpace.

25
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,400
Eegh!

26
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,360
Apparently hardly anybody uses it
now. It's all Twitter.

27
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,320
Whatter? Doesn't matter.

28
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,040
Ugh! Will you look
at the state of that?

29
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,200
500 years of sartorial tradition...

30
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,960
I was just chatting to a "PA"

31
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,880
in the "chill out" room.

32
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,400
I gave her the classic

33
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,320
"Did you ever wish to remain
for ever young, sweet princess?"

34
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,400
Nothing? She laughed.

35
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,280
She...She actually laughed.

36
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,240
What's become of this world,
Horschstadt?

37
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:29,360
It was on this very day in 1862
I seduced the Comtesse di Vittoria

38
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,120
to the soaring violin
of Johann Strauss himself.

39
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:37,080
I drained her body of life on the
balcony of the Schloss Charlottenburg

40
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,800
while the crowned heads of Europe
thronged below.

41
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,720
I ended up with Pat from Barnsley
the other night.

42
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,360
She was down on a shopping trip.

43
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,080
Can't get rid of the taste.

44
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,960
All right, gents?

45
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,400
Yes, yes, yes, good evening.
Thank you.

46
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,840
I'm feelin' the look, man.
Old school.

47
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,240
D'you mind? We're busy.

48
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,560
HISSES

49
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,120
Easy, Batman.
Don't get your cape in a twist.

50
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,680
Oh, for goodness' sake,
stop lolling about.

51
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,080
Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?

52
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,200
(WHISPERS) Horschstadt! What?

53
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,000
Far side of the room, green top.
I think we're in business.

54
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,000
Where?
Don't look. I said don't look!

55
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,000
Mm! Yeah! Tasty!

56
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,760
Silence, young pup!

57
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,960
See the masters at work.

58
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,640
WIND WHISTLES

59
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,400
Since when could vampires do that?

60
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,480
All Bar One for last orders?
Come on, then.

61
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,200
Oh, for God's sake!
Get a room!

62
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,280
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Rory spotted
this dead badger

63
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,520
by the side of the road.

64
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,800
Britain's country roads
are literally covered

65
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,000
in delicious, fresh,
ready-to-eat organic meat.

66
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,120
You've just got to scrape it up
and stick it in a pan.

67
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,160
That's right, dude.
Now, what a lot of people don't know

68
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,960
is that badger's got a taste halfway
between venison and wild boar.

69
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,800
Delicious! Only trouble is, it's
probably had things crawling over it.

70
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,240
We don't know how long it's been
there. And it's got bits on it.

71
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,360
Plus, one of us would have to get
the fur off, and we don't know how.

72
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,360
Why take any chances when there's
a Sainsbury's two miles that way.

73
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,920
Oh, I might have me loyalty card.
Oooh!

74
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,080
Get in!

75
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,200
Who makes it happen? We do!

76
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,000
Hey! Come on!

77
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,360
(PLUMMY ACCENTS)
Right! This is it, chaps.

78
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,160
We land in Normandy in five minutes

79
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,880
and I wish you all the best of
British because, well,

80
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,120
I'm sure you all know too well
what we can expect on that beach.

81
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,880
It's weird that Curly Wilson let us take
his place on this French trip, isn't it?

82
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,960
He must be a colossal gaylord.

83
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,320
Fo sho, man.
He's missing out big time.

84
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,320
I love the seaside, isn't it?

85
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,760
It's all, like, sandy or pebbly
or some shit like that

86
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,800
and you can see ladies' nudey legs
in their bathing costumes.

87
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,160
And sometimes a little bit
of pube sticks out?

88
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,720
And you can see, like, the little bit
of pubes and all this sticking out?

89
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,000
Classic!

90
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,920
Is you going to get chips and shit?

91
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,040
Oh, yeah. I's going to get chips
and shit and a saveloy and all this

92
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,920
and I's going to put on so much
vinegar that my lips turn all blue

93
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,880
and I look like my nan did
when her neck stopped working.

94
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,320
Lush! You know if they has donkey
rides on the beach here?

95
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,480
Yeah. Like, donkey rides
all up the beach?

96
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,480
Yeah, all on a donkey and this, that
and everything else, all donkeyed up.

97
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,480
Yeah, if they do
have donkey rides, right?

98
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,080
If they do has donkey rides,
I ain't doing no donkey rides.

99
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,960
Cos donkey rides is cruel, blud.
They don't like, aks, the donkey.

100
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,400
They just make them do it

101
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,800
with a gun or a whip or electric
or a blade or some shit like that.

102
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,560
It's like a kind of slavery.

103
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,040
I mean, how would you like it

104
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,120
if a fat man sat on your back
and made you do stuff?

105
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,120
Talking about my granddad?

106
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,680
What?

107
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,240
Forget it?

108
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,120
We're almost there.

109
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,600
Aren't you going to black your faces
for camouflage?

110
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,680
Do I look like a mad racist?

111
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,520
This isn't the olden times, man.
This is nowadays.

112
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,240
You need to get some diversity
training. Big time.

113
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:14,720
Sir, we're here!
Right! Company, atten...tion!

114
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,200
Why's he so strict, man?

115
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,000
I don't know, man.
He's, like, really uptight.

116
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,480
Some people never relax
on holiday, isn't it?

117
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,880
This is it!
DRAMATIC DRUMS

118
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,400
This is D-Day!

119
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,560
This is where we end this war.
Good luck, chaps. Go, go, go!

120
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,040
I don't think I'll bother.
It's really crowded.

121
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,280
Yeah, man. It's well rammed.

122
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:43,640
We'll never get a deckchair or a
Mivvi and the bogs are gonna be rank.

123
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,600
Why so many people, blud?
I don't know.

124
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,800
Must be half-term.

125
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,560
MUSIC BLARES

126
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,800
MAN CRIES OUT
Pass me more linen, damn it!

127
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,320
It won't clot. You and you,
talk to him. Hold his hand.

128
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,880
The other one!

129
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,960
I'm going to have to cauterise.
Fetch me a fresh candle.

130
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,040
Tines! Grab me a handful of powder
from the gun.

131
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,480
Not deserting us are you, Mr Tines?

132
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,720
Getting a candle, sir.
Cornwall's wound won't heal.

133
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,720
Very good. Problem, Mr Talbot?

134
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,760
It won't clot, damn it!
I don't know what to do.

135
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,000
We losing him.
Where's that candle and powder?

136
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,360
Oh, it's worse than that, Talbot.
I'll take over.

137
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,520
You, take off his trousers.
Sir?

138
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,320
You heard me, man.
Take off his bloody trousers.

139
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,200
That's it, right. Now, lift his leg.

140
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,360
Higher, Lord love you, and wider!

141
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,160
Come on, Talbot, come down here.

142
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,280
I have to keep pressure on...
Don't worry about his arm.

143
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,680
He's lost it already, hasn't he?
Come down here quickly.

144
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,720
Right, good. Now, shout.

145
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,440
Huh? Up him.

146
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,520
Up?

147
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,440
Oh, for God's sake, Tommy.
There's no time to be coy.

148
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,360
Get your mouth down there
and shout up his arsehole.

149
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,720
Go on, do it!
SHOUTS

150
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:13,840
No, shout, man. Louder!

151
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,520
SHOUTS

152
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,600
Oh, here, look, you take this.

153
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,320
BELLOWS

154
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:22,920
He's gone. What?

155
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,400
He's gone, sir.
No, that can't be.

156
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,960
Talbot, come back down. Take his
leg. We can bring him back.

157
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,440
BELLOWS

158
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,120
BELLOWS
That's it. Higher, now.

159
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,280
BELLOWS
Come on, boys, we can do it.

160
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,680
BELLOWS

161
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,320
BELLOWS

162
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,800
Well, we met at school and started
going out and never looked back.

163
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,000
Obviously I was fired for that.

164
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,280
BELL DINGS

165
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,480
(BORED) Hello.
Welcome to Brady's.

166
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:15,880
I'm Brady the Bear.

167
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:20,680
Bear cubs menu till six.
Enjoy your meal. In the back, please.

168
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,480
Thank you, Brady.
There we are. Say thank you.

169
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:23,640
BOTH: Thank you.

170
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,880
Yeah, whatever.

171
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,640
Is Brady a real bear?
Yes, course he is, darling.

172
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,000
Nope.

173
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,920
He said no.
Well, let's pretend that you are.

174
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,880
Let's not.
For the children?

175
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,480
Right. So you think they'd like that,
would they?

176
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,160
Think your kids would like
to walk into a restaurant

177
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,320
and be seated
by an actual grizzly bear?

178
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,640
Who would be, let's face it,
habituated to human contact

179
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,320
and therefore far more likely
to engage in a lethal attack.

180
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,200
Is that what they'd like?

181
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,800
A cuff from a 500-pound
wild animal so powerful,

182
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,840
a single blow from
one of his non-retractable claws

183
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:57,760
is capable of concussing a horse?

184
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:58,960
Come on, Marcus.

185
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,000
Or maybe a bite.

186
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,880
Or perhaps they'd like to be dragged
off into the undergrowth

187
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,160
and remain 100% conscious

188
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:07,360
while a fully grown bruin sits on
their face and eats their guts.

189
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,920
I'd like to see your manager.

190
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,000
You think I'm a bear?

191
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,560
Did you hear me?
Dd-dd-dd! And why not?

192
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,280
Because you can talk.
Yup. There you go.

193
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,600
Or you could have said
because I'm not hibernating

194
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,000
or because I'm standing
permanently on my hind legs

195
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,520
or because I'm wearing dungarees.

196
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,360
Is there a problem here?
Yes, I'd like to...

197
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,240
You'd like to...?

198
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:31,680
I'd like to see the manager.

199
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:33,440
Yes, I'm the manager here.
How can I help?

200
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,600
Sorry, I wasn't expecting you
to be a bear as well.

201
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,120
Yeah, well, I'm not a real one.

202
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,200
If I was, I wouldn't be listening
to customer complaints, would I?

203
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,280
I'd simply interpret those
as a hostile act,

204
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,480
as a direct threat to my position
as the alpha bear in the pack.

205
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,320
I'd probably rip off your lower jaw

206
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,000
and knock you from paw to paw
and make off with one of the kids.

207
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,840
Exactly what I was saying.

208
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,920
And sit on his face
while I eat his large intestine.

209
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,360
I said guts, but...

210
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,400
Tell you what, I'd probably
just run off with the small one.

211
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:00,920
Right. Come on, darling.

212
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,160
No, no, no. Never walk away.

213
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,520
Sign of weakness. Classic mistake.
BELL DINGS

214
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,120
Challenge or curl up into a foetus.
Page one.

215
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,680
Shouldn't be out in the woods.

216
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,680
Tabs!

217
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,480
Oh, hi! Hi!

218
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,520
BOTH: Mwah! Mwah!
Been shopping?

219
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,080
Yeah!
Those tomatoes look lovely.

220
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,400
Yah, just picked them up
at the supermarket.

221
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,640
Oh! Well, I know where you can get
tomatoes just like that

222
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,360
for three times the price.

223
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,280
You're joking.

224
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,920
# Take me out to the ring road
down beside the Laser Quest

225
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:52,040
# A little slice of Arcadia
out the back of the Toys R Us

226
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:56,320
# 'Cause there the horny hands of toil
sell muddy veg and rapeseed oil

227
00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,040
# Brought straight from the farm
for people like us

228
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,360
# There's ostrich steaks,
smoked venison

229
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,920
# And eggs with shit and feathers on

230
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:08,880
# There's cauliflowers with gritty
bits in-between

231
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,160
# If normal markets turn your head

232
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,240
# Then wheel your Bugaboo
here instead

233
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,560
# It's the furthest thing
from EastEnders you've ever seen

234
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:21,120
# The farmers' market
The farmers' market

235
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,160
# I drive here in the Volvo
and I park it

236
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,440
# Over a hundred spaces

237
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:29,000
# Market, the farmers' market

238
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,160
# I find any old crap
and sell it in a basket

239
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,520
# Kumquats

240
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,600
# Bananas

241
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,600
# And cheese from Southern France

242
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,600
# Brought right here
all freshly from the ground

243
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,720
# We've got cupcakes
from our cupcake field

244
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,480
# Just harvested this morning

245
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,160
♪ They're yours for a steal
at 6 for £30... ♪

246
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,440
I'll take the lot!

247
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:53,680
# ...Market, the farmers' market

248
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,320
# I'm no more a farmer

249
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,640
# Than Morten Harket

250
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:57,880
# Off of a-ha in the '80s

251
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,800
# But here are some fools
and here's their money

252
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,600
# The two are so easily parted

253
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,920
# We'll soon have enough
to buy a farm

254
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,880
# We've got flapjacks here

255
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:07,960
# And sugared mice

256
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,840
# Like a normal shop but not as nice

257
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,560
# And pieces of ham
just under the price of gold

258
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,160
# Durian! Walnuts! Tangerines!

259
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,960
# And little Batman figurines

260
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,040
♪ All dug up this morning
so they must be... ♪

261
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,480
Sold to the gentleman
in the mustard cords.

262
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:28,040
# ...If you drive from junctions 2 to
4 and wondered what the queue was for

263
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,360
# It's the credulous masses
of urban middle class

264
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:36,040
# And in the car park outside Discount
Beds we don't pay any overheads

265
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,720
# So I make a small fortune
sitting on my fat arse

266
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,040
# We're expanding to chairs this year

267
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,640
# We get all our stuff from Ikea

268
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:49,160
# And then we just give it
some farmyard magic aid

269
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,760
# I've sold out my stock today
Must put some more shit on display

270
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,360
♪ And then go home... ♪

271
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,800
(# A-HA: Take on Me)

272
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,200
# ...Market, the farmers' market

273
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,720
# If we clear 20 grand by lunch
we've hit our target

274
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,800
# 'Cause here are some fools
Here's our money

275
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,920
# The two are so easily parted

276
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,560
# We'll soon have enough

277
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:25,600
♪ To buy a farm. ♪

278
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,360
MOANING

279
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,960
Oh, shit!

280
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,520
What?

281
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,920
I forgot to put the bins out.

282
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,920
BIN LORRY RUMBLES

283
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,160
Oi!

284
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,880
Hey! Hey!

285
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,400
Bollocks!

286
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,800
I mean, love only lasts three
months.

287
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,440
It's a medical fact.
Yeah, because of too much chemicals.

288
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:10,880
Or not enough?

289
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,320
Because of an imbalance.

290
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,120
Yeah, it's a disorder, isn't it...
Yeah.

291
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,600
...that eventually...
That eventually becomes order.

292
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,760
Yeah, so...I mean, this...you know.

293
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,960
This is perfectly normal.
Yeah, it's normal to be like this.

294
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,200
It's inevitable.

295
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,120
Your hand's on my leg. Sorry.

296
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,640
HORSE WHINNIES
CHURCH BELL RINGS

297
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,240
Ah! Watson!

298
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,120
Hello, Holmes.

299
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,680
Um...

300
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,840
This is Torrance.

301
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,080
Emid Torrance.

302
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,720
Hello.

303
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,320
I see from your hat and pipe
that you are a train driver.

304
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,080
No, Torrance.
He's... He's a detective.

305
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,840
This is...Mr Holmes,
my previous employer.

306
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:55,520
Oh, I see. Well, I should leave you
to reacquaint yourselves.

307
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,280
You look good.

308
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,360
Thank you.

309
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,280
He seems nice.

310
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,800
Yes, yes, he's very nice.
He's, um...

311
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,760
he's a very good detective.

312
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,680
But he spotted I was a train driver.

313
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,480
Don't start. I'm sorry.

314
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,880
So how are you? Are you...?

315
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,280
I'm fine.

316
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,080
The Royal Family have had a...

317
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,440
Mm? ...a diamond stolen,

318
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,040
so I'm just, um...

319
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,320
...poking around on that.

320
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,520
Good.

321
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,120
You?

322
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,800
Um...

323
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,920
Next-door neighbour's, um...

324
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,920
...cat has gone missing
a couple of days ago,

325
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:47,400
and Torrance and I are,
you know, helping her out.

326
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:50,400
Great.

327
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,400
It's work, you know.

328
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,880
You're living on Eustace Road,
aren't you?

329
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,360
Yes, yes.

330
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,720
Isn't there a cat sanctuary
at the end of Eustace Road?

331
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,120
Have you tried there?

332
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,960
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Oh!

333
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,840
No. No, we haven't.

334
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,120
No, I'm probably wrong anyway.

335
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,160
You know there's a cat sanctuary
on Eustace Road?

336
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,400
Is there?
They kept that quiet, didn't they?

337
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,840
You've lived there for two years.

338
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,120
Oh, look at that big dog!

339
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,200
It's a horse.

340
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,400
We'd better go.

341
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,920
Yes...yes, yes, of course.

342
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,720
My dear Watson.

343
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,800
This is fine fare, Mrs Digby.

344
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,360
Thank you, Mr Digby.

345
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:58,080
Thank God, rather, Mrs Digby,
for He has provided us with all.

346
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,240
Amen.

347
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,360
Amen.

348
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,520
Where is the child Abigail?

349
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,600
I would break fast
with all three of my daughters.

350
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,840
Nathaniel, your daughter's took ill.
Abigail!

351
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,640
Oh! Abigail, it's your mother.
Abigail, speak to me.

352
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,680
Mum, help.
What ails her, doctor?

353
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,960
I'm afraid, Nathaniel,
your daughter is wit' child.

354
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,920
No! It cannot be!

355
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,400
Is this true?

356
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:23,640
Abigail, tell me the truth
or my wrath will be unbridled.

357
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,560
Aye, Father, it's true.

358
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,680
SHOUTS
Damn you, strumpet! Nathaniel!

359
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,760
This is the devil's work.
It is his child.

360
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,640
Father, no!
She has lain with the beast.

361
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,840
She must be purged.

362
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,280
She's your daughter.
She shall burn at the stake,

363
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,960
for she's a witch.
No! Abigail!

364
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,320
I will see the Lord's work done.

365
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,800
The Lord thy God
is a righteous God and...

366
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,080
SILENCE

367
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,040
What is it?

368
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,120
I forgot to put the bins out.

369
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,080
Wait, prithee!

370
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:57,840
Hold fast, sir!

371
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,840
Bollocks!

372
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:18,400
THEY GRUNT

373
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,880
It's looking pretty bloody good
out there.

374
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,120
Looks amazing.
See you on the nursery slopes, eh?

375
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,320
You know, I reckon we should stay
off the beaten track today,

376
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,360
break our legs in,
and then go off-piste tomorrow.

377
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,720
Yeah, last time you said that,
we got completely bloody lost.

378
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,120
No, I'm just saying we should
take it easy - it's our first day.

379
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:13,960
Today we'll just get the big cable
car...

380
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,720
Jesus! Tim!

381
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,240
Are you OK?
I'll get an ambulance.

382
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,840
Thank you, thank you. Right,
let's just try and get you up.

383
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,200
Come on.
Ah, no, shit! That's broken.

384
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,640
Really? Oh, mate!
What about if we just move you...?

385
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,280
We'll get a doctor,
we're gonna get a doctor.

386
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,920
This isn't funny, but, er...

387
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,520
it did actually happen
to a friend mine, so...

388
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,760
I don't know where
they can have got to.

389
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,200
Well, don't worry, Marta.
They're only a few minutes late.

390
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,560
Are we to be kept waiting
much longer, Alan?

391
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,080
They're on their way, Granddad.

392
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,160
They were on their way...

393
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,920
15 minutes ago.

394
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,040
TEXT RINGTONE

395
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,480
Ah! That's them outside.
I'll go and get them.

396
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,760
Back in a moment.

397
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,160
Remember - best behaviour.

398
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,320
Mm.

399
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,240
Mr and Mrs Grunwalt,
I'd like you to meet my grandfather.

400
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,720
Major...

401
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,200
This is my grandfather, Rolf.

402
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,960
Major Archie Fenshaw, at your service.

403
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,160
GERMAN ACCENT
Ah! A man of the military. Like myself.

404
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,280
So you fought for Hitler's army,
then?

405
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,880
I fought for my country,
if that's what you mean.

406
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,960
Fought and lost,
if I'm not mistaken.

407
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,200
Ja.

408
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:37,040
Well, if we got the Americans
to fight our battles for us,

409
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,360
perhaps the outcome
would have been different.

410
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:43,840
OK, OK, steady on, you two.
That was all a long time ago.

411
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,080
Not so long that we should forget...

412
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,520
...but long enough...

413
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,320
for us to forgive.

414
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,760
We have both seen far too much
fighting in our lifetimes.

415
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,960
Ja.

416
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,960
The past is the past

417
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,680
and we are here to celebrate
the future of our families.

418
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,960
For a minute there, I thought
all hell was gonna break loose.

419
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,240
The last thing we need are arguments
at the engagement party.

420
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,800
It'd be like bloody Jordan
and Peter Andre.

421
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,560
Ah, ja. That poor girl.

422
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,600
I beg your pardon?

423
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,160
I don't know how she put up
with that man in the first place.

424
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,360
Yes.

425
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:30,440
How ever did she put up with Peter
Andre looking after her children

426
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,720
while she went out
and flashed her chest for money?

427
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,360
How did she put up with him
cooking and cleaning

428
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,520
while she was out riding horses?

429
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:45,120
Katie was supporting the whole
family while he was doing nothing.

430
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:46,240
Nothing?

431
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:47,720
Nothing?

432
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,920
Was Insania nothing?

433
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:56,800
Number three in the UK charts.
Is that your definition of "nothing"?

434
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,040
Nein.

435
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,880
My definition of "nothing"...

436
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,240
...is Peter Andre.

437
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,360
That's for Peter, Fritz!

438
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,240
Hee-ya!

439
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,600
And this is for Katie.

440
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,960
I see you picked up the first piece
of meat that came to hand,

441
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,040
just like Jordan did with Alex Reid.

442
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:42,760
Right.

443
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,640
So where were we?

444
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,200
Just like Katie's Olympic
dressage dream,

445
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,480
you write me off at your peril.

446
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,560
We all saw the video of her
and Dane Bowers.

447
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,440
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I started
taking the pills religiously

448
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,320
twice a day, as instructed,

449
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,920
and exactly five weeks later -

450
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,880
the email had promised
four to six weeks -

451
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,800
exactly five weeks later,
this turns up.

452
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,360
I mean...

453
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:18,360
technically,
I haven't got a leg to stand on.

454
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:24,080
SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT You're actually
the first person to see this house.

455
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,480
It's not yet on the market.

456
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,960
As you can see,
it's a great size for a family.

457
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,760
Yeah, a lot of the houses on this
side of the road

458
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,600
will have this sort of layout,

459
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,480
which a lot of people knock through.

460
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,920
It's very nice. Mm.

461
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:44,040
Kitchen's fitted to the highest
standards. Very modern, practical.

462
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,120
D'you mind if I, um...?
No, go ahead.

463
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,760
Make yourself at home.

464
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,280
Oh, that's nice.

465
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,840
Ah, smooth, isn't it? Yeah, it runs
on ball bearings, just to give it...

466
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,080
Oh, where's the...?

467
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,280
Where's the...? God!

468
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,920
SHOUTS
Sandra! Where's the thing?

469
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,760
The thing!

470
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:04,840
The bloody thing!

471
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,160
Forget it!

472
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,560
Goodness! That is smooth, isn't it?

473
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:13,360
Yeah, yeah. All the drawers are fitted
with a soft-close spring system.

474
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:16,360
Just, you know...it makes it, erm...

475
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,680
Oh, yes! I can see myself here.

476
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,880
A-ha! The Lazyboy, yes.

477
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:27,360
All the guys go
straight for that one.

478
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,600
As I said in the office,
the family are leaving the country,

479
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,480
so all the furnishings you see here,
including the television set,

480
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,600
are available for...

481
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,760
purchase...

482
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,960
...ready for you to...

483
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,240
to move in and start enjoying...

484
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:43,920
your new home.

485
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,120
Hey! Sleepyhead!

486
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,640
What are you doing up?

487
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:53,360
Don't really like those pictures.

488
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,080
No, well, obviously
you don't have to have anything here.

489
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,960
You take what you want,
a sort of pick and mix

490
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,480
of...er...of...

491
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:12,920
Ah, yes, so one basin each,
sort of his and hers.

492
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,760
No more argument!

493
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,480
Are you all right?

494
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,880
Can we not do this, please?
I'm sorry?

495
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,360
Look, tonight is a big night
for me, Sandra.

496
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:28,960
Can you please not ruin it for me
by nit-picking.

497
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,120
Don't tell me what to wear!

498
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,120
Oh! Oh, my God! I didn't mean it.

499
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:39,240
Sandra?

500
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,440
Oh! Jesus!

501
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,080
No!
CRIES

502
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,080
SHOUTS
Sandra!

503
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,200
No, I like it.
Can we have a look at the garden?

504
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:23,080
It's a south-facing garden,
so it gets plenty of light.

505
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,920
Don't look at me! Eugh!
Don't look at me!

506
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,920
Oliver!

507
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:32,640
Take your sister inside.

508
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,560
Don't look at me!