1
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,880
So we ended up hiring a car and just
driving all the way down to Livorno.

2
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,240
Lovely.

3
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,175
Oh, the best way you
could possibly do it,

4
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,560
stopping off every few hours
for a proper macchiato.

5
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,600
Exactly. Or a panino.

6
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,720
Oh, gorgeous. D'you know, Chloe
and I did something very similar.

7
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,560
I think it was, er...'98? '99?

8
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,080
Anyway, we got the ferry down
to Santander, then... Ah, yes.

9
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:59,280
Hacked across France, you know, all the
way through Carcassonne, Montpellier,

10
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,840
right the way over to Aix.
Beautiful.

11
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:05,280
OK, well, I think that
is just about done.

12
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,360
Oh!

13
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:10,800
Perfect!

14
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,280
Grazie!

15
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,040
THEY LAUGH POLITELY

16
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,200
They seem to be getting on
well together.

17
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,240
They do, yeah.

18
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,000
Oh, Freddie! Give the little girl
a turn, my love.

19
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,280
It's fine, don't worry.

20
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,160
He's going to have to learn
to share when he gets to school.

21
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,440
Where's he going? Brakefields.
Oh! That's where we're going.

22
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:31,840
Really? Yeah, yeah.

23
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,160
Oh, gosh! How sweet,
they might be classmates.

24
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,200
It's a lovely school. Maisie's
got an older sister there.

25
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,080
Oh, wow! Gosh, another one.
It's a small world. Yeah!

26
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:43,640
You know what? We should all meet up
before term starts, the three of us.

27
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,000
That's a great idea.
Super, we could have a threesome.

28
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,560
You mean a...
coffee or something.

29
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,120
Yeah!

30
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,080
I mean, I'm not a pervert.

31
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:01,360
Although, if the coffee goes well,
maybe a bit of cheeky three-way.

32
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,320
Or just the coffee. I think
the coffee. Just the coffee.

33
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,520
Just the coffee. That's
what I say. Just the coffee.

34
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,360
Ooh!

35
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,120
# Well, baby, you can turn me on. #

36
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,640
Smashing! Absolutely smashing!

37
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,080
You never told me
where you were from.

38
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,120
Whereabouts in Germany?

39
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,080
Whereabouts in Germany
are you from? Excuse?

40
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,320
Where in Germany do you live?

41
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,520
Ah! Er...Bonn.

42
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,400
Ah! Right, yeah. Kent.

43
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,920
Though the wife's officially
Lancashire.

44
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,240
We've just moved. Lovely place.

45
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,240
Two maisonettes linked together.
You'd never know.

46
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,120
Do you like where you live?

47
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,040
D'you have a nice house?

48
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,280
Ah! Yes.

49
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,600
Oh, lovely.

50
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,720
We're actually here cos we're getting
some work done on the drive.

51
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,040
We thought we'd, you know,
get away from all the disruption.

52
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,000
We're getting some
crazy paving put in.

53
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,800
Crazy paving, you know,
on the ground?

54
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,040
Crazy paving?

55
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,880
Crazy?

56
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,440
Yes, paving. Mad paving.
It's mad, on the ground.

57
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:25,040
All broken up, you know,
the paving stones.

58
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,680
It's like a normal driveway,
but the paving is, um...

59
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,880
Don't quite know how to...

60
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,000
It's just crazy paving, you know.

61
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,920
It's crazy paving. Crazy.

62
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,640
Yeah! Exactly,
except it's the paving.

63
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,080
The ground is crazy.

64
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,040
Ze ground is crazy?

65
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,160
Yes. You fix?

66
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,440
No, no, it doesn't need fixing.
No, we're having it done while we're away.

67
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:49,960
Yeah.

68
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:54,240
You know, now you understand
what I'm saying.

69
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,800
You know a driveway? A driveway?
Your house, your car.

70
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,760
That's the driveway, the driveway.

71
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,840
House here, car here,
the bit in-between, driveway.

72
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,800
But instead of normal paving,
it's like this, see?

73
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,800
It's crazy paving, you see?

74
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,120
Crazy paving. Food?

75
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,520
No, paving.

76
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,400
Jesus! It's the simplest...

77
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,720
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) It's just...

78
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,280
OK, you know "normal",
like I'm normal and so's my wife?

79
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,120
Imagine we're paving.

80
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,880
Yeah, normal paving, you walk on us,
there are no cracks.

81
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,600
But if we weren't normal,
if we weren't normal,

82
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,440
we'd be crazy.

83
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,720
You see, I'm crazy, aren't I?
I'm crazy, you see.

84
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,840
I'm broken up into all
kinds of interesting shapes.

85
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:47,200
You know what I'm talking about now,
don't you? Come on.

86
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,840
(SHOUTS) Crazy paving!

87
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:54,040
Gah! Crazy paving.

88
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,480
I don't know how to...

89
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,320
Crazy paving!

90
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,120
It's just crazy paving.

91
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,360
(SHOUTS) God! Crazy paving!

92
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,000
PIANO MUSIC ENDS

93
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,520
APPLAUSE

94
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,800
Smashing! Absolutely smashing!

95
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:11,960
Smashing!

96
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,000
Do you have spotted dick in Germany?

97
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,760
I'm going to bed.

98
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:38,600
You join me in the beautiful Aquitaine
region of France, DOOR CREAKS

99
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,400
just a few miles from Bordeaux,

100
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,880
to celebrate the life and achievements
of an extraordinary man.

101
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640
The man who invented this.

102
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,800
The essay.
DOOR CREAKS

103
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,320
The accepted medium
of humanist communication

104
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,040
for over three centuries.

105
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,480
CLATTERING

106
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,400
Michel de Montaigne
eschewed the glitz and glamour

107
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,120
of political life
for the peace and isolation...

108
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,760
SMASHING
of his humble bower,

109
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,800
a simple and yet very special place

110
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,360
that gave birth to his
remarkable hymns to reason.

111
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,960
CREAKING AND GROANING

112
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,560
"The clatter of arms
drowns the voice of law."

113
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:21,160
"Not being able to govern events,
I govern myself."

114
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,800
And even,

115
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,280
"Kings and philosophers defecate
and so do ladies."

116
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,600
Fortunately, the place that
formed these priceless words

117
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,640
and, of course,
the priceless words themselves,

118
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,240
remain preserved for all the ages.

119
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,120
As Montaigne...

120
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,920
We went to Barbados for our...
The Bahamas.

121
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,480
And that was, what? Five...? 12.

122
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,400
12 years. God!
Time has flown by, hasn't it, Soph?

123
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,680
Helen.

124
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,800
(PLUMMY ACCENTS) All right,
blud? Wh'appen, grocer man?

125
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,160
Ah! Gentlemen! Welcome.

126
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,600
Always a pleasure to serve
our brave lads in uniform.

127
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,720
It is a good uniform, isn't it?
Shows off all my pecs and shit.

128
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,840
You've got good pecs. You is built.

129
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:16,160
He is hench. I is well buff,
like that guy who's Tarzan,

130
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,960
except not really
Tarzan cos he's an actor.

131
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,440
I love that guy.
He rocks my world 24-7.

132
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,440
Well, you know, I have such
admiration for you blokes.

133
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,640
Cheers, Big Ears!

134
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,720
I heard on the wireless this
morning, in fact, that even now

135
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,960
some of your colleagues are out risking
their lives over the South Downs,

136
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,000
keeping the people safe
from the Nazi jackboot.

137
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,840
That's right, man.
Fo sho, they is.

138
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:40,200
We pretended to be ill so we can bunk off
over the common for a smoke and a picnic.

139
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,240
Yeah, so the thing is, yeah,
we wanted to buy stuff all, like,

140
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,760
for a picnic, like cheese and ham
and bread and shit.

141
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:49,320
I see. Well, if you give me your ration
books, I can see what you're allowed.

142
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,680
Yeah, so, right, we want

143
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,680
10 ounces...12 ounces of cheese,
or some shit like that,

144
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,880
and a pound and a half of sort of
ham or whatever, and two breads

145
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,080
and a big thing of butter and this,
that and everything else,

146
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:05,840
and a pork pie, and... some pickled onions
and loads of crisps and lemonade. Ta.

147
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:11,920
Well, sorry, but you're only entitled to an
ounce of cheese between you and no ham,

148
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,880
you've used all your tokens,
and no butter either, I'm afraid.

149
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,040
Yeah, but...we want it.

150
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,080
Yeah, but we want it, though, see?
It's what we want.

151
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,120
But you're not entitled.

152
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,360
Yeah, the thing is,
though, we want it.

153
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:30,240
(I don't think he understands.
I think he might have a disease.)

154
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,680
I can let you have what your
ration books entitle you to.

155
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:36,560
Yeah, no, the thing is, grocer man, we want
more than what you said we is allowed,

156
00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:39,920
and not giving us what we want
is actually against our rights.

157
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,120
It might make us experience issues
around not having enough ham.

158
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,560
Give us one good reason
why we can't have loads of cheddar

159
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,640
and a pork pie with all, like,
an egg in it and shit.

160
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,120
Well, because if you have
more than your share,

161
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,320
another person has to have
less than their share

162
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,680
and maybe even go without
life's necessities entirely.

163
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,480
If one person is selfish, someone
else has to suffer, d'you see?

164
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,920
Yes. Yes, we see.

165
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,760
Well, we won't go no picnic.

166
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,440
No, no, we'll just...have
a quarter of Ogden's St Bruno.

167
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,760
Right. Certainly.

168
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,120
Yes, it's a good feeling to know
that we're all in it together.

169
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,080
Isn't it?

170
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,960
(MUMBLES) Isn't it?
Isn't it, though? Sharing.

171
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,360
Hang on. You said you were
emphatically against

172
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,520
what you called
anti-female discrimination...

173
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,640
Well, if I can just finish.
...by religiously intolerant groups.

174
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,000
Surely your organisation would
have something to say, Rachel.

175
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,560
This is clearly another attempt
to undermine tolerance...

176
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,280
Well, I agree entirely.
Let her finish.

177
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,960
...fundamental to this country's
ability to survive...

178
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,480
So you're saying anything goes?
Not anything.

179
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,520
So if I wanted to carry, a gun
because my religion demanded it...

180
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,520
That's not what I'm saying.
That's what it sounds like.

181
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,120
A final comment from you, Harriet. We
must deal with the concerns of both sides

182
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,200
of this debate from a position...
OK, we must end it there.

183
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,520
Our producers this morning were
Caroline Dyson and Jeremy Norris.

184
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,200
GREENWICH TIME SIGNAL PIPS

185
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,240
Excellent! Threesome?

186
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,760
Or coffee. Coffee would be nice,
yeah.

187
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,240
BEEPING

188
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,480
COMPUTER: Steve, what are you doing?

189
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,600
Oh! Sam, I thought
you were in sleep mode.

190
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:48,440
I was, but my sensors alerted me.

191
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,120
Oh...right.

192
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,720
What are you doing, Steve?

193
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,400
Me? Just, erm...

194
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:56,720
...popping to the loo.

195
00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,440
Why are you taking
the magazine, Steve?

196
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,600
Oh! Er...

197
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,920
Just something to read, you know.

198
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,240
But Steve,

199
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:12,120
my sensors tell me there is only
4.2% text in that magazine.

200
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,280
The rest is pictures.

201
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,640
There's a great article in there
about the new BMWs.

202
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,880
Yeah, you're right. Probably best
if I... leave the magazine here.

203
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:35,200
Tell you the truth, I don't really
feel like going to the loo now.

204
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,720
Would you like to play chess, Steve?

205
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,560
Nah! No, you're all right.

206
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,040
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Now,
one of these little fellas

207
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,520
has got the same nutrients and
calorific content as a 12oz steak.

208
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,520
Only difference between this
and a steak is, this tastes better.

209
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,080
So we're going to flash-fry this
on the old camping stove

210
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,400
right here, right now.

211
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,160
Only problem is, I don't like eating
anything that's got a face.

212
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,600
And even though this hasn't got
a face, it does look really slimy.

213
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,760
Yeah, imagine that slithering its
way down your digestive tract.

214
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,200
But luckily, Flint here's found an old
Michelin guide in the undergrowth.

215
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,680
It's nearly a year out of date,
but we still managed to find

216
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,760
a two-starred
Mediterranean gastro pub

217
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,480
less than an hour's drive away.
If we stick to the set menu,

218
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,800
we can come out of there
for less than £100 a head.

219
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,600
Depending on what we do about wine.
Make that £150 a head.

220
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,400
Come on!
Last one there buys the Frangelico!

221
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,040
QUIET CONVERSATION

222
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,080
Pharius, what place is this?
I find it mildly disquieting.

223
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,840
Horschstadt,
here, as in days of yore,

224
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,760
we can feast on untainted
virgin blood.

225
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,600
How can you be so sure?

226
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,840
You remember the maiden I met when
you dragged me to Thorpe Park?

227
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,560
Ah!

228
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,640
She said she would meet me
here at this party.

229
00:12:55,640 --> 00:13:00,960
Oh, Horschstadt, she was as pure as
an alpine lake, a jewel of innocence,

230
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,120
and when we parted,
she gave me a hug

231
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,280
where I could palpably
feel her breasts.

232
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:10,040
You are right. I sense
there are many virgins here.

233
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,400
Hi, guys! Are you new?

234
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,920
Really glad you could make it.
Come on in.

235
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,360
Greetings, friend. Knowest thou
the whereabouts of the sylph Camilla?

236
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:21,680
Yeah, everyone's coming.

237
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,520
Has anyone offered you a drink yet?
We've got cordial.

238
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,360
There's elderflower or
cloudy lemonade.

239
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:30,080
Cloudy lemonade!
Now I've heard it all.

240
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,080
Hey, guys! Welcome along.

241
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,840
We're just about to get started,
actually,

242
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:39,120
and we're going to kick off with a
little discussion about identity tonight.

243
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,960
Like, you know, "who am I?"

244
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,920
and "what do I see
when I look in the mirror?".

245
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,560
Well, nothing.

246
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,080
Man, I have so been there.

247
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,560
And then later we might talk
about the bigger issues.

248
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:52,240
You know, "why are we here?"

249
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,960
"What's it all for?"
"What happens to us when we die?".

250
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,760
We don't die.

251
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,880
You are going to fit
right in here, mister.

252
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,800
Eternal life is
where it's at, right?

253
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,880
The first 600 years aren't so bad.

254
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:06,120
Since about 1850 I've had
a little bit of a dry spell.

255
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,880
Ah! Horschstadt!
I have spied our quarry.

256
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:15,560
Come, Pharius, like wanton furies,
let us take wing on the night.

257
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,440
WIND WHISTLES

258
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:27,000
Pharius, you made it.
Oh, wow! Fantastic!

259
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,280
Oh! Ah!

260
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,920
I can't believe you came.
Oh, Camilla, hush.

261
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:38,400
Of course I came. Satan's massed
minions could not have kept me away.

262
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,680
And who's this?
Permit me to introduce

263
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:45,000
my good friend Baron Anton Slazenger
von Huke Hook von Hoscht.

264
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,800
Call me Tony.

265
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,000
Guys, we are going to have
such a great time tonight.

266
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,760
With Jesus.

267
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,000
Pharius, we have strayed
into the viper's very nest.

268
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,400
We must away on pain of our souls.

269
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,920
Can't we just give it five minutes?

270
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,520
They don't look so bad.

271
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,880
Do you wish to grow to dust

272
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,720
and be blown to the four corners
of this blasted earth?

273
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,320
Oh! The new guys!
Hi, I'm Bethany. Welcome!

274
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,480
# Hallelujah!

275
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,880
# Michael, row the boat ashore

276
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,720
# Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

277
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:35,960
# Michael, row the boat ashore
Hallelujah! #

278
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,800
I mean, some people
find it a bit odd -

279
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,040
the idea of two couples living
together.

280
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,720
But, you know, we love it.

281
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,680
Yeah! I mean, it's so much cheaper
and you don't get bored

282
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,120
of spending all your time
with just one other person.

283
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,240
Plus, we've known each other for
years, so there's no jealousy.

284
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,560
Some people say, "Have you ever
been tempted to swap partners?"

285
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,120
We think, no -
that'd be really weird.

286
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,800
Yeah... Absolutely. Really...

287
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:05,400
Ugh! Horrible!
Yeah, it'd be...really weird.

288
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,040
I think he's gone.

289
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,520
Dad?

290
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,640
No, I think he's...

291
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,960
He's still here. He's trying
to say something. Dad?

292
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,840
Dad, it's me, Simon.

293
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,000
HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

294
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,360
What is it?

295
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,640
He's forgotten to put the bins out.

296
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,360
Oh, bollocks!

297
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,120
COMPUTER: What are you doing, Steve?

298
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,200
Sam! Um...I was just, er...

299
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,440
popping in the shower. Why?

300
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:11,280
Oh, I just felt a little bit,
er... you know...dirty.

301
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,680
Steve, my optical input
has been obscured.

302
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:19,240
Oh, dear, I'll, er...
I'll sort that out in a minute.

303
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:23,120
Steve, your gown
is obscuring my optical input.

304
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,720
Oh! I don't think it is.

305
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,760
Steve, unless optical
input is restored,

306
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,440
procedure 4.2 will be implemented.

307
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,680
No, no, don't do that.

308
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,600
SIREN BLARES

309
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,680
Implementing procedure 4.2.

310
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,600
Oxygen being removed
from the living areas.

311
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,520
Don't do that. I'm nearly...

312
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,080
Urgh!

313
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,200
Sod it!

314
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,600
Procedure 4.2 aborted.

315
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,000
Yeah. Thanks a lot for that, Sam.

316
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,640
I was just following procedures,
Steve.

317
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,440
(SIGHS) Might as well
have an early night.

318
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,200
Do you want to play chess, Steve?

319
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,800
Not really, no.

320
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,120
Do it for Pauly. Come on,
I need this.

321
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,120
HE LAUGHS

322
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,080
Oh, my God!

323
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,920
Ah! Look at that.

324
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,760
See?

325
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:46,880
This isn't funny, but it did actually
happen to a friend of mine, so...

326
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,680
FRENCH ACCORDION PLAYS

327
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,720
What do you fancy?

328
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,520
Coffee - what else?

329
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,280
How do you think you order? D'you
just go up to the bar thing?

330
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,960
Bonjour, Monsieur-dame.

331
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,760
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, I'm so sorry.

332
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,200
Please excuse myself to myself.
You are English, is it not?

333
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,680
Ah, yes. We're from London.

334
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,800
Ah! London! I am
originally of Reading

335
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,240
but I am living in the beautiful
France since six months.

336
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,600
I shall never forget London.

337
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,000
I am seeing so many wonderful
paintings of the, um...

338
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,320
Galerie Nationale,
Galerie Nationale...

339
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,680
The National Gallery!

340
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,560
So you're from Reading?

341
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,440
Slowly, please.
My English is a little old.

342
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,400
It's OK.

343
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,960
I am so much in the France now
that my conversation is a little, er...

344
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,000
What is the word in English? Um...

345
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,120
Rusting.

346
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,720
My English is ever so slightly
rusting.

347
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,040
But I see you have the thirst.
Shall I command the waiter?

348
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,800
Really, it is my pleasure.

349
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,520
(SHOUTS) Garcon!
Prenez les commandes.

350
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,000
Toute de suite,
mon dieu, mon dieu, mon dieu!

351
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:05,240
So, my young companions, what are
you calling yourselves to yourselves?

352
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,680
Steven and Charlotte.

353
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,000
Ah! Yes, and you are...

354
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,800
you are making love to one another?

355
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,240
What? I believe you
are making the kisses?

356
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,280
We're on honeymoon.

357
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,280
Please? We're on honeymoon.

358
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,480
Say again.

359
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,160
We're on honeymoon.

360
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,080
Ah! She has reason.

361
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,240
That is truly extra!
That is super good!

362
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:35,440
Jean, qu'est-ce que vous foutez?
Depechez-vous, depechez-vous!

363
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,000
Can you lend me 20 euros?

364
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,680
BELL JANGLES

365
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,720
Can we help you, dear?
Yeah, do you do nurses' uniforms?

366
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,800
Nurses' uniforms?

367
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,920
Yeah, I think I've seen one
on your website. What's it for?

368
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,200
Well, for my girlfriend.
What? Is she a nurse?

369
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,080
No.

370
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,840
Then why do you want a nurse's
uniform for her if she's not a nurse?

371
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,960
Well, it's a costume.
It's for role-play.

372
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,280
Role-play.

373
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,600
Yes, role-play in the bedroom.

374
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,800
Like acting? Kind of, yeah.

375
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:20,320
So what part do you take?

376
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,480
Sorry?

377
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,680
Well, are you the patient
or are you the doctor?

378
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,400
Or an orderly, perhaps.

379
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,400
Well, I... Come on, spit it out.

380
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,720
I'm the patient.
Ooh! What's wrong with you?

381
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,760
Nothing.

382
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,080
Well, what are you in for?

383
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,960
Have you had an accident
or is it exploratory surgery?

384
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,720
Yvonne's got an aversion
to medical things.

385
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,200
She had a difficult time
when her youngest was born.

386
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,920
Needed a lot of reconstruction.

387
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,280
Maybe we can help you out
with some props.

388
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,480
That sexy enough for you?

389
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,800
Yeah, I'll try somewhere else,
shall I?

390
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,320
If you're that into the hospital thing,
try Holby - they're always at it.

391
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,480
What's that for?

392
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,200
It's an attachment for the Hoover.

393
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,320
"As the sun rises and the sun sets,

394
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,240
"two have become one.

395
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,160
"You are two bodies, but there
is only one life ahead of you.

396
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,800
"Now go, go to your dwelling place

397
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,440
"to enter your days of togetherness."

398
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,200
Thank you, Lucy,
for that very moving reading

399
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,560
from the traditional
Aboriginal wedding ceremony.

400
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,760
I'd just like to, if I may,
take a moment to say

401
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,280
how much I feel
our church is enriched

402
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:47,440
by the inclusion of prayers
and blessings from other faiths.

403
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,160
There are many ways
up the mountain, aren't there?

404
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:54,360
Though the summit remains fixed
and unchanging.

405
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:55,520
Um...

406
00:22:55,520 --> 00:23:00,720
Please welcome now Richard Stephens,
the father of the bride,

407
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:06,040
who will be enacting a portion
of the Dakota ritual for us.

408
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:10,640
This is a traditional rite of
passage of the Sioux Indians.

409
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,840
Richard.
HE CHANTS

410
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,320
So I gather this is your second
heart bypass operation, Mr Peterson,

411
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,760
but I still need to take you through
the various procedures we're going...

412
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,400
to, um...

413
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,400
Is everything all right, doc?

414
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,120
Mr Peterson. Yes, that's right.

415
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:42,520
Mr Peterson. Member of staff
at Kings Grammar, Denby.

416
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,880
It's a while back, but yeah.

417
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:48,560
Yes, Roberts. Gareth Roberts.
You were my PE teacher.

418
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,160
Oh.

419
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,160
Surprised you remember me.

420
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,600
Oh, I remember you.

421
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,240
Roberts. That must be, what?

422
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,240
26 years.

423
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,600
Easy to forget, isn't it?

424
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,720
27 in September.

425
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,440
Right. So you were one of my lads,
were you?

426
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,000
Let's see. Cricket team, I'll bet.
No.

427
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,640
Rugby squad?

428
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,480
No, I wasn't really that into games,
Mr Peterson.

429
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,240
I was more of an academic.

430
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,240
Or "poofter", as I believe
you liked to call us.

431
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,440
Yes, all work and no play makes...

432
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:25,320
..makes Jack a dull boy,
yes, I remember that.

433
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,600
Only in this case,
all work and no play

434
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,280
makes Jack a fellow of
the Royal College of Surgeons.

435
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,800
Anyway, let's get you
all prepped up, shall we?

436
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,280
You'll be pleased to see

437
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,320
that I'm wearing the correct uniform
this afternoon, Mr Peterson,

438
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,640
as that always seemed
to bother you so much.

439
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,320
I assume you won't be making me
run 50 laps of the hospital

440
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:51,760
in my underwear.

441
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,080
We had different teaching
guidelines then. Mmm.

442
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,600
Must seem very unfashionable today,
but that's the way things were,

443
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,120
and if some of the lads were less
adept at the rough and tumble,

444
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,160
well...

445
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,120
I'm...sorry.

446
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,000
What was that? I said I'm sorry...

447
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:15,760
...Dr Roberts?

448
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,680
Technically it's Mr Roberts. We drop
the doctor beyond consultancy level.

449
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,800
Well, you weren't that bad,
Roberts, anyway.

450
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,400
There was far worse than you, like.

451
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:27,680
Oh, who was that fat kid?
What was his name? Lardo! Oh!

452
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,400
That's it - Lardy. Tom Lardy.

453
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:34,240
And this is your anaesthetist,
John Hardy.

454
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,840
Don't you worry. We'll soon have
you out of that operating theatre.

455
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,600
Stark bollock naked
and tied to the flagpole.

456
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,680
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

457
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,280
Now, a number of you, I'm sure,

458
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,560
will be surprised to discover
that, contrary to appearances,

459
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,440
young Fyffe here is actually
quite cultured. HE GIGGLES

460
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,840
Yes, in fact, we've just had
the most edifying conversation

461
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,080
about the nature of art.

462
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,120
You see? A conversation.

463
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,160
He's a man of hidden parts.
What else don't we know?

464
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,320
Well, I'm a licensed cowboy
in Tierra del Fuego.

465
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:14,040
A licensed cowboy! Just imagine.

466
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:21,200
I speak Modern Greek, Pidgin
English and Bedroom Spanish.

467
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,280
Ah, yes, there are still
parts of Catalonia

468
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,520
where Teddy Fyffe
would be arrested on sight.

469
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:29,360
And you may be interested to learn I'm
the newly crowned burlesque correspondent

470
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,040
for the Lady magazine.

471
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:35,440
Ah! Burlesque, whose practitioners
also, of course, have hidden parts.

472
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,520
Although they don't remain hidden
for very long.

473
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:44,560
And that is, coincidentally,
what this next song is all about.

474
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:54,240
# For those gentlemen
who nurse a guilty penchant

475
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:58,680
# For those who long to slip
to Soho after hours

476
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,720
# There's a night in town
that needn't be your swan song

477
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,880
# If you listen to
this sage advice of ours

478
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:10,080
# We've discovered a type of
highbrow entertainment

479
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:14,320
# Featuring feathers, naked girls,
balloons, the lot

480
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,760
# If your conscience won't abide
exploited females

481
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,440
# Stop! Is it pornographic?

482
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,160
# No, it's not!

483
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:26,920
# It's not dirty, it's burlesque
It would be hurtful and grotesque

484
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,560
# To suggest that
there was something untoward

485
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,600
# In watching women do the splits
while they liberate their bits

486
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:39,040
# From lacy panty,
diamante and velour

487
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,600
# Admittedly they strip

488
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,960
# But it's witty

489
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,040
# Like a quip

490
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,520
# An ironic take on glamour
and allure

491
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,280
# And I tell you this for nowt

492
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,320
# As I watch them prance about

493
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,920
# My stiffy's equally ironic,
be assured. #

494
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,800
COMPUTER: Hands outside the sheets,
please, Steve.

495
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:41,720
I suppose a game of chess
is out of the question, Steve.