So we ended up hiring a car and just driving all the way down to Livorno.
Lovely.
Oh, the best way you could possibly do it,
stopping off every few hours for a proper macchiato.
Exactly. Or a panino.
Oh, gorgeous. D'you know, Chloe and I did something very similar.
I think it was, er...'98? '99?
Anyway, we got the ferry down to Santander, then... Ah, yes.
Hacked across France, you know, all the way through Carcassonne, Montpellier,
right the way over to Aix. Beautiful.
OK, well, I think that is just about done.
Oh!
Perfect!
Grazie!
THEY LAUGH POLITELY
They seem to be getting on well together.
They do, yeah.
Oh, Freddie! Give the little girl a turn, my love.
It's fine, don't worry.
He's going to have to learn to share when he gets to school.
Where's he going? Brakefields. Oh! That's where we're going.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, gosh! How sweet, they might be classmates.
It's a lovely school. Maisie's got an older sister there.
Oh, wow! Gosh, another one. It's a small world. Yeah!
You know what? We should all meet up before term starts, the three of us.
That's a great idea. Super, we could have a threesome.
You mean a... coffee or something.
Yeah!
I mean, I'm not a pervert.
Although, if the coffee goes well, maybe a bit of cheeky three-way.
Or just the coffee. I think the coffee. Just the coffee.
Just the coffee. That's what I say. Just the coffee.
Ooh!
# Well, baby, you can turn me on. #
Smashing! Absolutely smashing!
You never told me where you were from.
Whereabouts in Germany?
Whereabouts in Germany are you from? Excuse?
Where in Germany do you live?
Ah! Er...Bonn.
Ah! Right, yeah. Kent.
Though the wife's officially Lancashire.
We've just moved. Lovely place.
Two maisonettes linked together. You'd never know.
Do you like where you live?
D'you have a nice house?
Ah! Yes.
Oh, lovely.
We're actually here cos we're getting some work done on the drive.
We thought we'd, you know, get away from all the disruption.
We're getting some crazy paving put in.
Crazy paving, you know, on the ground?
Crazy paving?
Crazy?
Yes, paving. Mad paving. It's mad, on the ground.
All broken up, you know, the paving stones.
It's like a normal driveway, but the paving is, um...
Don't quite know how to...
It's just crazy paving, you know.
It's crazy paving. Crazy.
Yeah! Exactly, except it's the paving.
The ground is crazy.
Ze ground is crazy?
Yes. You fix?
No, no, it doesn't need fixing. No, we're having it done while we're away.
Yeah.
You know, now you understand what I'm saying.
You know a driveway? A driveway? Your house, your car.
That's the driveway, the driveway.
House here, car here, the bit in-between, driveway.
But instead of normal paving, it's like this, see?
It's crazy paving, you see?
Crazy paving. Food?
No, paving.
Jesus! It's the simplest...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) It's just...
OK, you know "normal", like I'm normal and so's my wife?
Imagine we're paving.
Yeah, normal paving, you walk on us, there are no cracks.
But if we weren't normal, if we weren't normal,
we'd be crazy.
You see, I'm crazy, aren't I? I'm crazy, you see.
I'm broken up into all kinds of interesting shapes.
You know what I'm talking about now, don't you? Come on.
(SHOUTS) Crazy paving!
Gah! Crazy paving.
I don't know how to...
Crazy paving!
It's just crazy paving.
(SHOUTS) God! Crazy paving!
PIANO MUSIC ENDS
APPLAUSE
Smashing! Absolutely smashing!
Smashing!
Do you have spotted dick in Germany?
I'm going to bed.
You join me in the beautiful Aquitaine region of France, DOOR CREAKS
just a few miles from Bordeaux,
to celebrate the life and achievements of an extraordinary man.
The man who invented this.
The essay. DOOR CREAKS
The accepted medium of humanist communication
for over three centuries.
CLATTERING
Michel de Montaigne eschewed the glitz and glamour
of political life for the peace and isolation...
SMASHING of his humble bower,
a simple and yet very special place
that gave birth to his remarkable hymns to reason.
CREAKING AND GROANING
"The clatter of arms drowns the voice of law."
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself."
And even,
"Kings and philosophers defecate and so do ladies."
Fortunately, the place that formed these priceless words
and, of course, the priceless words themselves,
remain preserved for all the ages.
As Montaigne...
We went to Barbados for our... The Bahamas.
And that was, what? Five...? 12.
12 years. God! Time has flown by, hasn't it, Soph?
Helen.
(PLUMMY ACCENTS) All right, blud? Wh'appen, grocer man?
Ah! Gentlemen! Welcome.
Always a pleasure to serve our brave lads in uniform.
It is a good uniform, isn't it? Shows off all my pecs and shit.
You've got good pecs. You is built.
He is hench. I is well buff, like that guy who's Tarzan,
except not really Tarzan cos he's an actor.
I love that guy. He rocks my world 24-7.
Well, you know, I have such admiration for you blokes.
Cheers, Big Ears!
I heard on the wireless this morning, in fact, that even now
some of your colleagues are out risking their lives over the South Downs,
keeping the people safe from the Nazi jackboot.
That's right, man. Fo sho, they is.
We pretended to be ill so we can bunk off over the common for a smoke and a picnic.
Yeah, so the thing is, yeah, we wanted to buy stuff all, like,
for a picnic, like cheese and ham and bread and shit.
I see. Well, if you give me your ration books, I can see what you're allowed.
Yeah, so, right, we want
10 ounces...12 ounces of cheese, or some shit like that,
and a pound and a half of sort of ham or whatever, and two breads
and a big thing of butter and this, that and everything else,
and a pork pie, and... some pickled onions and loads of crisps and lemonade. Ta.
Well, sorry, but you're only entitled to an ounce of cheese between you and no ham,
you've used all your tokens, and no butter either, I'm afraid.
Yeah, but...we want it.
Yeah, but we want it, though, see? It's what we want.
But you're not entitled.
Yeah, the thing is, though, we want it.
(I don't think he understands. I think he might have a disease.)
I can let you have what your ration books entitle you to.
Yeah, no, the thing is, grocer man, we want more than what you said we is allowed,
and not giving us what we want is actually against our rights.
It might make us experience issues around not having enough ham.
Give us one good reason why we can't have loads of cheddar
and a pork pie with all, like, an egg in it and shit.
Well, because if you have more than your share,
another person has to have less than their share
and maybe even go without life's necessities entirely.
If one person is selfish, someone else has to suffer, d'you see?
Yes. Yes, we see.
Well, we won't go no picnic.
No, no, we'll just...have a quarter of Ogden's St Bruno.
Right. Certainly.
Yes, it's a good feeling to know that we're all in it together.
Isn't it?
(MUMBLES) Isn't it? Isn't it, though? Sharing.
Hang on. You said you were emphatically against
what you called anti-female discrimination...
Well, if I can just finish. ...by religiously intolerant groups.
Surely your organisation would have something to say, Rachel.
This is clearly another attempt to undermine tolerance...
Well, I agree entirely. Let her finish.
...fundamental to this country's ability to survive...
So you're saying anything goes? Not anything.
So if I wanted to carry, a gun because my religion demanded it...
That's not what I'm saying. That's what it sounds like.
A final comment from you, Harriet. We must deal with the concerns of both sides
of this debate from a position... OK, we must end it there.
Our producers this morning were Caroline Dyson and Jeremy Norris.
GREENWICH TIME SIGNAL PIPS
Excellent! Threesome?
Or coffee. Coffee would be nice, yeah.
BEEPING
COMPUTER: Steve, what are you doing?
Oh! Sam, I thought you were in sleep mode.
I was, but my sensors alerted me.
Oh...right.
What are you doing, Steve?
Me? Just, erm...
...popping to the loo.
Why are you taking the magazine, Steve?
Oh! Er...
Just something to read, you know.
But Steve,
my sensors tell me there is only 4.2% text in that magazine.
The rest is pictures.
There's a great article in there about the new BMWs.
Yeah, you're right. Probably best if I... leave the magazine here.
Tell you the truth, I don't really feel like going to the loo now.
Would you like to play chess, Steve?
Nah! No, you're all right.
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Now, one of these little fellas
has got the same nutrients and calorific content as a 12oz steak.
Only difference between this and a steak is, this tastes better.
So we're going to flash-fry this on the old camping stove
right here, right now.
Only problem is, I don't like eating anything that's got a face.
And even though this hasn't got a face, it does look really slimy.
Yeah, imagine that slithering its way down your digestive tract.
But luckily, Flint here's found an old Michelin guide in the undergrowth.
It's nearly a year out of date, but we still managed to find
a two-starred Mediterranean gastro pub
less than an hour's drive away. If we stick to the set menu,
we can come out of there for less than £100 a head.
Depending on what we do about wine. Make that £150 a head.
Come on! Last one there buys the Frangelico!
QUIET CONVERSATION
Pharius, what place is this? I find it mildly disquieting.
Horschstadt, here, as in days of yore,
we can feast on untainted virgin blood.
How can you be so sure?
You remember the maiden I met when you dragged me to Thorpe Park?
Ah!
She said she would meet me here at this party.
Oh, Horschstadt, she was as pure as an alpine lake, a jewel of innocence,
and when we parted, she gave me a hug
where I could palpably feel her breasts.
You are right. I sense there are many virgins here.
Hi, guys! Are you new?
Really glad you could make it. Come on in.
Greetings, friend. Knowest thou the whereabouts of the sylph Camilla?
Yeah, everyone's coming.
Has anyone offered you a drink yet? We've got cordial.
There's elderflower or cloudy lemonade.
Cloudy lemonade! Now I've heard it all.
Hey, guys! Welcome along.
We're just about to get started, actually,
and we're going to kick off with a little discussion about identity tonight.
Like, you know, "who am I?"
and "what do I see when I look in the mirror?".
Well, nothing.
Man, I have so been there.
And then later we might talk about the bigger issues.
You know, "why are we here?"
"What's it all for?" "What happens to us when we die?".
We don't die.
You are going to fit right in here, mister.
Eternal life is where it's at, right?
The first 600 years aren't so bad.
Since about 1850 I've had a little bit of a dry spell.
Ah! Horschstadt! I have spied our quarry.
Come, Pharius, like wanton furies, let us take wing on the night.
WIND WHISTLES
Pharius, you made it. Oh, wow! Fantastic!
Oh! Ah!
I can't believe you came. Oh, Camilla, hush.
Of course I came. Satan's massed minions could not have kept me away.
And who's this? Permit me to introduce
my good friend Baron Anton Slazenger von Huke Hook von Hoscht.
Call me Tony.
Guys, we are going to have such a great time tonight.
With Jesus.
Pharius, we have strayed into the viper's very nest.
We must away on pain of our souls.
Can't we just give it five minutes?
They don't look so bad.
Do you wish to grow to dust
and be blown to the four corners of this blasted earth?
Oh! The new guys! Hi, I'm Bethany. Welcome!
# Hallelujah!
# Michael, row the boat ashore
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
# Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah! #
I mean, some people find it a bit odd -
the idea of two couples living together.
But, you know, we love it.
Yeah! I mean, it's so much cheaper and you don't get bored
of spending all your time with just one other person.
Plus, we've known each other for years, so there's no jealousy.
Some people say, "Have you ever been tempted to swap partners?"
We think, no - that'd be really weird.
Yeah... Absolutely. Really...
Ugh! Horrible! Yeah, it'd be...really weird.
I think he's gone.
Dad?
No, I think he's...
He's still here. He's trying to say something. Dad?
Dad, it's me, Simon.
HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY
What is it?
He's forgotten to put the bins out.
Oh, bollocks!
COMPUTER: What are you doing, Steve?
Sam! Um...I was just, er...
popping in the shower. Why?
Oh, I just felt a little bit, er... you know...dirty.
Steve, my optical input has been obscured.
Oh, dear, I'll, er... I'll sort that out in a minute.
Steve, your gown is obscuring my optical input.
Oh! I don't think it is.
Steve, unless optical input is restored,
procedure 4.2 will be implemented.
No, no, don't do that.
SIREN BLARES
Implementing procedure 4.2.
Oxygen being removed from the living areas.
Don't do that. I'm nearly...
Urgh!
Sod it!
Procedure 4.2 aborted.
Yeah. Thanks a lot for that, Sam.
I was just following procedures, Steve.
(SIGHS) Might as well have an early night.
Do you want to play chess, Steve?
Not really, no.
Do it for Pauly. Come on, I need this.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, my God!
Ah! Look at that.
See?
This isn't funny, but it did actually happen to a friend of mine, so...
FRENCH ACCORDION PLAYS
What do you fancy?
Coffee - what else?
How do you think you order? D'you just go up to the bar thing?
Bonjour, Monsieur-dame.
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, I'm so sorry.
Please excuse myself to myself. You are English, is it not?
Ah, yes. We're from London.
Ah! London! I am originally of Reading
but I am living in the beautiful France since six months.
I shall never forget London.
I am seeing so many wonderful paintings of the, um...
Galerie Nationale, Galerie Nationale...
The National Gallery!
So you're from Reading?
Slowly, please. My English is a little old.
It's OK.
I am so much in the France now that my conversation is a little, er...
What is the word in English? Um...
Rusting.
My English is ever so slightly rusting.
But I see you have the thirst. Shall I command the waiter?
Really, it is my pleasure.
(SHOUTS) Garcon! Prenez les commandes.
Toute de suite, mon dieu, mon dieu, mon dieu!
So, my young companions, what are you calling yourselves to yourselves?
Steven and Charlotte.
Ah! Yes, and you are...
you are making love to one another?
What? I believe you are making the kisses?
We're on honeymoon.
Please? We're on honeymoon.
Say again.
We're on honeymoon.
Ah! She has reason.
That is truly extra! That is super good!
Jean, qu'est-ce que vous foutez? Depechez-vous, depechez-vous!
Can you lend me 20 euros?
BELL JANGLES
Can we help you, dear? Yeah, do you do nurses' uniforms?
Nurses' uniforms?
Yeah, I think I've seen one on your website. What's it for?
Well, for my girlfriend. What? Is she a nurse?
No.
Then why do you want a nurse's uniform for her if she's not a nurse?
Well, it's a costume. It's for role-play.
Role-play.
Yes, role-play in the bedroom.
Like acting? Kind of, yeah.
So what part do you take?
Sorry?
Well, are you the patient or are you the doctor?
Or an orderly, perhaps.
Well, I... Come on, spit it out.
I'm the patient. Ooh! What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Well, what are you in for?
Have you had an accident or is it exploratory surgery?
Yvonne's got an aversion to medical things.
She had a difficult time when her youngest was born.
Needed a lot of reconstruction.
Maybe we can help you out with some props.
That sexy enough for you?
Yeah, I'll try somewhere else, shall I?
If you're that into the hospital thing, try Holby - they're always at it.
What's that for?
It's an attachment for the Hoover.
"As the sun rises and the sun sets,
"two have become one.
"You are two bodies, but there is only one life ahead of you.
"Now go, go to your dwelling place
"to enter your days of togetherness."
Thank you, Lucy, for that very moving reading
from the traditional Aboriginal wedding ceremony.
I'd just like to, if I may, take a moment to say
how much I feel our church is enriched
by the inclusion of prayers and blessings from other faiths.
There are many ways up the mountain, aren't there?
Though the summit remains fixed and unchanging.
Um...
Please welcome now Richard Stephens, the father of the bride,
who will be enacting a portion of the Dakota ritual for us.
This is a traditional rite of passage of the Sioux Indians.
Richard. HE CHANTS
So I gather this is your second heart bypass operation, Mr Peterson,
but I still need to take you through the various procedures we're going...
to, um...
Is everything all right, doc?
Mr Peterson. Yes, that's right.
Mr Peterson. Member of staff at Kings Grammar, Denby.
It's a while back, but yeah.
Yes, Roberts. Gareth Roberts. You were my PE teacher.
Oh.
Surprised you remember me.
Oh, I remember you.
Roberts. That must be, what?
26 years.
Easy to forget, isn't it?
27 in September.
Right. So you were one of my lads, were you?
Let's see. Cricket team, I'll bet. No.
Rugby squad?
No, I wasn't really that into games, Mr Peterson.
I was more of an academic.
Or "poofter", as I believe you liked to call us.
Yes, all work and no play makes...
..makes Jack a dull boy, yes, I remember that.
Only in this case, all work and no play
makes Jack a fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons.
Anyway, let's get you all prepped up, shall we?
You'll be pleased to see
that I'm wearing the correct uniform this afternoon, Mr Peterson,
as that always seemed to bother you so much.
I assume you won't be making me run 50 laps of the hospital
in my underwear.
We had different teaching guidelines then. Mmm.
Must seem very unfashionable today, but that's the way things were,
and if some of the lads were less adept at the rough and tumble,
well...
I'm...sorry.
What was that? I said I'm sorry...
...Dr Roberts?
Technically it's Mr Roberts. We drop the doctor beyond consultancy level.
Well, you weren't that bad, Roberts, anyway.
There was far worse than you, like.
Oh, who was that fat kid? What was his name? Lardo! Oh!
That's it - Lardy. Tom Lardy.
And this is your anaesthetist, John Hardy.
Don't you worry. We'll soon have you out of that operating theatre.
Stark bollock naked and tied to the flagpole.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, a number of you, I'm sure,
will be surprised to discover that, contrary to appearances,
young Fyffe here is actually quite cultured. HE GIGGLES
Yes, in fact, we've just had the most edifying conversation
about the nature of art.
You see? A conversation.
He's a man of hidden parts. What else don't we know?
Well, I'm a licensed cowboy in Tierra del Fuego.
A licensed cowboy! Just imagine.
I speak Modern Greek, Pidgin English and Bedroom Spanish.
Ah, yes, there are still parts of Catalonia
where Teddy Fyffe would be arrested on sight.
And you may be interested to learn I'm the newly crowned burlesque correspondent
for the Lady magazine.
Ah! Burlesque, whose practitioners also, of course, have hidden parts.
Although they don't remain hidden for very long.
And that is, coincidentally, what this next song is all about.
# For those gentlemen who nurse a guilty penchant
# For those who long to slip to Soho after hours
# There's a night in town that needn't be your swan song
# If you listen to this sage advice of ours
# We've discovered a type of highbrow entertainment
# Featuring feathers, naked girls, balloons, the lot
# If your conscience won't abide exploited females
# Stop! Is it pornographic?
# No, it's not!
# It's not dirty, it's burlesque It would be hurtful and grotesque
# To suggest that there was something untoward
# In watching women do the splits while they liberate their bits
# From lacy panty, diamante and velour
# Admittedly they strip
# But it's witty
# Like a quip
# An ironic take on glamour and allure
# And I tell you this for nowt
# As I watch them prance about
# My stiffy's equally ironic, be assured. #
COMPUTER: Hands outside the sheets, please, Steve.
I suppose a game of chess is out of the question, Steve.