1
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:36,960
Put the knife down. It's OK.

2
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,320
If you put it down,
we can talk about anything.

3
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:44,400
Please...please, just put the knife down.
We...we can talk about all this.

4
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,000
Well, as I said,
your CV is excellent,

5
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,280
but we do have
a few other people to see.

6
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,240
Thanks for the opportunity.

7
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,480
What do you think?

8
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,520
HOARSELY: Yeah, I liked him.

9
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,800
It's like we're totally in sync
with each other.

10
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:20,080
Sometimes he doesn't
have to say anything.

11
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,320
I just know what he means
with a look.

12
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:26,040
And we're constantly
finishing...each...other's...

13
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,760
sen...ten...ces.

14
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,640
Sentences.

15
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,360
What d'you think?

16
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,640
Yeah, looks good.

17
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,160
Can I help you?

18
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,080
We're just looking, thank you.

19
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,840
We are going to be buying something.

20
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,360
We're celebrating.
We just got engaged.

21
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,200
Oh, most people get a ring.

22
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,520
He's got me one of those.

23
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,800
And now you thought
you'd bring her in here.

24
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,360
We thought we'd be
a little bit adventurous.

25
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,880
Yvonne's husband
thought that once, didn't he?

26
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,720
Oh, he did, yes. Very adventurous.

27
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:13,280
It was like the bloody Kon-Tiki
expedition. Come on, then.

28
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,000
Sorry, where are we going?
For an adventure. Ta-ta, Kansas.

29
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,240
Oh, I wasn't really looking
for myself.

30
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,600
If she's trussed up
like a Christmas turkey,

31
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,680
least you can do is put on
a party hat.

32
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,960
Personally, I don't like the sight
of men in their underpants.

33
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,560
It's the bulge.

34
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,200
For some reason,
it puts me in mind of a pigeon.

35
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,920
Especially if their pants
have gone grey.

36
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,240
Are you decent?

37
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,440
You could do a lot worse than this.

38
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:49,480
Whoa! I'm not sure. No, no, women
love a man who can make them laugh.

39
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,040
Just think of Charlie Chaplin,
a whole string of beautiful wives.

40
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,280
Or Jim Davidson.

41
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,160
So exciting when you're
starting out, in't it, Yvonne?

42
00:02:58,160 --> 00:02:59,920
All them hopes and dreams.

43
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,440
Hmm.

44
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,080
It'll sag a bit
after a few washes but, um...

45
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,320
it'll be at the back of the drawer
by then.

46
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,320
Try the Forever Mine outfit
in there.

47
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,240
Here, give this a whirl.
I'm not really sure about this.

48
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,400
Oh, nonsense!
After a while, you'll find

49
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,200
the little pleasures
keep your marriage going.

50
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,760
You know, I used to like it

51
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,280
when my husband dressed up
as a traffic warden

52
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,120
'cause it meant he was leaving for work.

53
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,200
Come on, then, let's be having you.

54
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,720
Ooh!

55
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,280
Well, I can see you two together
for an eternity.

56
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,280
More of a wren than a pigeon.

57
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,960
That's it!
Yes, get behind him, Phelps!

58
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,720
Watch their man on the wing!

59
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,040
You have a very promising
young fly-half there, Bill.

60
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,480
I was wondering whose Jag that was
in the car park.

61
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,440
MI6 still buying British, I see.

62
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,120
If it is still British, Bill.

63
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,320
Hard to tell who's behind what
these days.

64
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:08,800
Is it the Germans,

65
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,640
the Malaysians,

66
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,120
the Russians?

67
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,320
What do you want, Danbury?
I've got a job for you, Bill.

68
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,240
I already have a job.

69
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,800
I'm not for hire.

70
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,320
SHOUTS: Don't just stand there,
Jarvis! Mark him.

71
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,560
Everything else in the world might
have changed, but not you, Bill.

72
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,200
Not you. I know you, Bill.

73
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:35,760
You'll have every resource, the best
people, your pick. I'll see to that.

74
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,480
If I do it,

75
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,200
then they're coming with me.

76
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,760
Who?

77
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,400
The team.
They've got to be in it too.

78
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,400
They're a prep school
under-12s rugby team, Bill.

79
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,840
This isn't for negotiation.

80
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,720
I made a commitment
to these boys, Danbury,

81
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:59,560
and this might seem odd to you,
but I'm going to honour that commitment.

82
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,760
This isn't a box of firecrackers,
Sergei.

83
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,200
It's weapons grade plutonium.

84
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,440
Now, how much?

85
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:24,640
Check it, Phelps.

86
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,960
Thinking about going to church?
Not sure if church is for you?

87
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,600
Then text "Vicar" to 97148.

88
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,720
At Church Match Mobile there are
thousands of clergy all over the UK

89
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,920
looking for someone just like you.

90
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:43,120
Hi, I'm Lewis. If you're looking
for vicars who are really great fun,

91
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,560
Church Match Mobile
is a great place to click.

92
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,960
Send me a text
to find out who's available now.

93
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,080
Text "Vicar" to 97148.

94
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,160
Thinking of converting to
Catholicism?

95
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,400
Text "Father" to 95653.

96
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,640
Get photos now. Throughout the UK,
pick up your mobile phone now.

97
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,480
Hook up, have fun and chat
to priests under 30.

98
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,160
New priests every week.

99
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:11,920
For priests aged 30 to 45,
text "Prime" to 95653.

100
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,680
Instant results.

101
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,120
Get to know priests aged 45 to 60.

102
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,360
Text "Silk" to 95653.

103
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,840
Make a connection now,
wherever you live.

104
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,320
Well, I'd better be off.

105
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:29,920
Oh, are you leaving? I haven't
even shown you the buddleia yet.

106
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,480
Sorry, Dad, I'd better go.

107
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,000
Thanks, Mum.
Lovely to see you.

108
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,200
Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome, son.

109
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:41,000
It was a lovely lunch.
Well, the parsnips, anyway.

110
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,920
You can't even eat chicken?

111
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,920
Well, in vegetarianism, the chicken
is sort of considered to be an animal,

112
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,440
what with it, um...

113
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,080
Well, it's an animal, isn't it?

114
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,800
Look, I'm going to head
to the station, so...

115
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,200
Jeff... Oh, yes. Chris...

116
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,800
Your mother and I have talked,

117
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,560
and we'd like you to have this
to get your car fixed.

118
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,320
Oh, God, Dad, I can't take that.
It's too much.

119
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,640
Oh, don't be silly. Just take it.

120
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,440
Mum's operation! You need this
more than I need my car.

121
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,280
Oh, no! It's fine, Chris, really.

122
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,480
Your mum says
she likes the cataracts.

123
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,240
She says it gives everything
a lovely milky quality.

124
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,000
It's like living inside a dream
or a memory, isn't it?

125
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,840
Absolutely! And the rubbish
they have on TV these days,

126
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,440
it's like having my own mini-filters
inside my eyes.

127
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,200
I can hardly make out
Trevor Eve's face any more.

128
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,680
So you see, you'd be helping us out
by taking the money off our hands.

129
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,480
Just pop it in your pocket.

130
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,800
You're being ridiculous.
Look, I'm not taking it.

131
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,480
Oh, please, Chris.

132
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,320
No, Barbara,
Chris has made up his mind.

133
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,960
He's a man after all, not a boy.

134
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,600
Thanks, Dad.

135
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,360
You remember that summer
we played for Otley St Mary?

136
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,240
I was at number six,
you were at number eight.

137
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,360
Great days.

138
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,280
Agh!

139
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,360
Quick, Barbara. Put it in his pocket.

140
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,680
What d'you do that for?

141
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,040
Quick, give it here.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.

142
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,280
Call it your Christmas cheque

143
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,920
or Christmas and birthday cheque
rolled in to one.

144
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,680
Had birthday. Sat nav.

145
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,880
That was just something to open.
It wasn't your main present.

146
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,440
It's only 'cause we love you.

147
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,360
Call it a gift, not a loan.

148
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,000
Don't want loan!

149
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,880
Yours anyway when we dead.

150
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,840
Agh!

151
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,240
No!

152
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,000
Barbara! Book!

153
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,960
Not Wodehouse.

154
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,360
Wilbur Smith.

155
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,520
Hardback.

156
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,960
Too late, too late. It's yours.

157
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,720
Cable-tie his legs together, Barbara.

158
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,080
I'm going to give him a lift home.

159
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,120
Excuse me. Watch out!

160
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,120
SCREECH OF BRAKES

161
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,520
I just didn't see him.
He's unconscious.

162
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:08,920
We need an ambulance.

163
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,120
Yeah, ambulance.

164
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,960
We're in North Park.
Churchgate Street entrance.

165
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,440
Shit! He's unconscious.

166
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,240
Er, yep, yep. OK, OK, right.

167
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,000
Is he coming round? Stay with us.

168
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,640
There's an ambulance on its way.
Is there...?

169
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,360
Is he trying to say something?
What is it? Is there...

170
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,640
any chance of a threesome?

171
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,200
Or an ambulance.
One's on its way? Good.

172
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,240
We'll wait for it. We'll wait for it.

173
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,480
Come, Horschstadt. Sleep not.
Do not surrender to the pain.

174
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,280
Oh, but Pharius, I grow weak.

175
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,760
I have been impaled.

176
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,160
The cold thrust of steel
has pierced my skin.

177
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:55,440
No, your ordeal will soon be over
and you will rise again.

178
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:58,080
The greatest of all seducers.

179
00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,840
There you go, mate.

180
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,480
A glass of water. Don't worry about
it. It happens a lot the first time.

181
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,880
For emptying the contents of my
stomach on your Ottoman rug, sir,

182
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,640
I offer my sincerest apologies.

183
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,200
Mm. Can I crack on, or what?

184
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,080
Oh, yes, yes,
proceed with the design as discussed.

185
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,720
Right. And you're absolutely sure
you still want the name "Chanella"

186
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,240
with bright flames burning
in all directions?

187
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,440
Ah, yes, of that
I am quite, quite sure.

188
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,160
Right. Fiancee, is she?

189
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,120
Oh, no, but she is destined
to be mine.

190
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:31,280
She is an "hair technician"
at Toni and Guy.

191
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,480
So impressed was she

192
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,960
with the elegance and noble curve
of Horschstadt's aquiline brow

193
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,320
that she did wantonly
caress his skull

194
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,400
and then made intimate enquiries

195
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,080
as to his plans
for this summer's vacance.

196
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,000
There can be no question.
She was bewitched.

197
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:53,560
Yeah, I maybe wouldn't get her name
tattooed just yet. Maybe in henna.

198
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:56,880
We've got a lot of other nice
designs in this book, as it goes.

199
00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,960
Ah, yes.
The swallow is quite becoming.

200
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,880
Agh!

201
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:06,680
The Celtic runic design
also somewhat fetching.

202
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,200
Agh!

203
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,560
I'm not sure
the snake is for me, but...

204
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,240
Agh! Take it away.

205
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,800
Here we go.

206
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,480
Oh, babe, look.
It's Last of the Summer Wine.

207
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,520
Yes, very good, thank you, yes.

208
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,320
Getting ink done, you two?
I'm getting a cool tattoo.

209
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,600
"Chanella" with flames
burning from it in all directions.

210
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,760
Hairdresser Chanella?

211
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,680
Haven't you heard? Heard?

212
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,680
She really was tasty.

213
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,600
In the name of Hartuus,

214
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:41,760
could you not leave but one stone
unturned for a brother of the sangre?

215
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,960
Been a while, has it, mate?
Right, that's it.

216
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,120
Oi-oi! You gettin' a taste
for the fellas, eh, lads?

217
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,840
Up yours.

218
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,760
Do you have any chewing gum,
young apprentice?

219
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,840
He's been at the scampi Nik Naks.

220
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,440
GEORDIE ACCENTS: We're after
the Pindle Oak Mushroom,

221
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,080
the holy grail of edible fungi.

222
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:12,120
It's got a colour like burnt ochre
and a taste like filet mignon steak.

223
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,000
Oh, dude! Look, there it is.
Oh, isn't she a beaut?

224
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,560
Imagine that dressed with a lug of
olive oil and a dash of lemon juice.

225
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,760
Oh, just imagine it.

226
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,800
We've got the old camping stove
here so we can cook it now.

227
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,920
Only trouble is,
it's a bit too high.

228
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,600
Fall from there,
you do yourself a serious injury.

229
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,840
We'd be crazy to risk it. So we're gonna
get us a "two for a tenner" meal deal.

230
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,400
Just stick it in the oven.
All the hard work's done.

231
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,600
They even throw in wine.
How do they make a profit?

232
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,520
Not our problem. Wa-hay!

233
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,520
If we can have those back in three
weeks' time. Thank you very much.

234
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,640
Hello! Can I have Emma, please?

235
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,240
Emma the book or Emma the DVD?
Er, no. Emma the prostitute.

236
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,440
Oh, yes, I forgot
we do prostitutes now.

237
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,680
Yes, she should be in.

238
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,640
Ah! Yeah! There she is.

239
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,600
Thank you very much.

240
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,200
If we could have her back
in three weeks, please.

241
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,120
Been a long time, Uri.

242
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,880
I said to come alone.

243
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,640
Don't worry about them.
They're with me.

244
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,880
It's just a school
under-12 rugby team.

245
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,920
Have you got the export licences?

246
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,320
Have you got the money?

247
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,080
(What is it, boy?)

248
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,040
(Well, go behind a tree
or something.)

249
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,680
The money's in the case.

250
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,440
Nice doing business with you.

251
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,920
If you call betraying your country
good business.

252
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,480
Come on. Come on!

253
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:35,720
Hurry up, Jarvis.

254
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,480
ENGINE STARTS

255
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,560
BUS BEEPS

256
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,720
I think one of the reasons
why we're such a great couple

257
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,960
is we are like total opposites
of each other, chalk and cheese.

258
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,520
I say tomayto, she says tomato,
just on so many levels,

259
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:06,360
and that makes our relationship
just sparky and edgy and...

260
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,800
zingy, you know?

261
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,000
I mean, we are literally
the complete opposite of each other.

262
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,920
For example, I'm not a dick.

263
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,200
PHONE RINGS

264
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,840
SHOUTS: Hello?

265
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,000
No!

266
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,360
You tell him
if he hasn't got it sorted soon

267
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,640
I'm going to come over there
and wipe the bloody floor with him.

268
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,000
What's up, Ken?

269
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,760
Geoff spilt something on the floor
of the warehouse.

270
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,360
Going to help him mop it up.

271
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,800
How's the world of beds, Phil?

272
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,000
Oh, it's over, Ken. I quit.
I just ain't got it in me any more.

273
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,360
You don't need a prostate
to run a bed shop.

274
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,040
Everything's gone up the jumper.
I accept defeat.

275
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,520
I'm hangin' up me valance.

276
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,840
You're having a Shami Chakrabarti!
What, Phil Mason retire?

277
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,360
I'm too long in the tooth
for this weasel.

278
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,200
I'm at the end of me
Mills McCartney. I got a load

279
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,600
of Sleepy Down
microfibre memory mattresses

280
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,800
sitting on a dockside in Unami
and no way of getting them here.

281
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:07,560
So-o-othe me with some carpet talk,
Ken. I need to calm down.

282
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,800
The bloody Japanese! Yeah. I'll never
forgive 'em for what they did to my dad.

283
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,960
It was torture, Phil.
No other word.

284
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,160
That bloody futon.

285
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,280
Took years off his life.
Why did he have to buy it?

286
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,040
They are space-saving, Phil.
You can't deny that.

287
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,000
So is a sofa bed! So is a sofa bed!

288
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,602
They knew we had our own way
of dealing with guests

289
00:16:26,626 --> 00:16:28,319
but they couldn't stop themselves.

290
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,960
You have to admit,
and I know I'm treading on eggs,

291
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,880
but as a nation, they do look
well rested, the Japanese.

292
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,440
Granted.

293
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,320
But retire?
People like us don't retire.

294
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,600
We keep on working every day
God sends.

295
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,760
Till one day we're reaching up to get a
box of new phones off of a high shelf,

296
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,680
insisting that we don't need no help,

297
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,560
when we suddenly keel over
from a massive coronary.

298
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,400
PHONE RINGS

299
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,720
Yep? No!

300
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,520
Besides, what else will you do?
Your life is beds.

301
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,760
Go travellin'.
Take Cheryl Three away.

302
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,640
You can't explore the world
with an agoraphobic wife.

303
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:04,960
Where're you going to go?

304
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,240
Couple of relaxing weeks
in the kitchen?

305
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,440
A two-centre holiday in the box room?

306
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,320
Believe you me I-you-they-them,
it ain't gonna work.

307
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,040
Then I'll stay at home. Spend time
with the what's-their-names, the...

308
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:17,720
The...er... The kids. Me kids!

309
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,760
PHONE RINGS

310
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,720
Hello? No!

311
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,560
When I feel up against it at work

312
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,920
there's something I turn to
that always gives me great strength.

313
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,080
The good book.

314
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,440
Not this again.

315
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,200
Ah, "classic cobalt"!

316
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,720
Many's the time that's helped me out
when I've been down.

317
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,880
It is pretty, Ken.
I'll give you that.

318
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:44,440
Well, maybe you'd find some solace
in "executive pars ley".

319
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,120
No! No, no, no.

320
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,680
My problems aren't to be solved
in those pages.

321
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,680
I'm going to get on the blower
to Japan

322
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,680
and come down
like a clown of bricks.

323
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,760
That's the fillet.
That's the man I know and love.

324
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,840
I'm going to need a new box
of phones off of the high shelf.

325
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,440
You want a hand with that?
No, no, no. I'll be fine.

326
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,560
All right, then. See ya!

327
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,560
Ooh! Jesus H from Steps.

328
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,960
Hello.
I'd like to return Emma, please.

329
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,040
I'm a couple of days late.

330
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,160
Two days late. Er...

331
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:27,160
Then you...you would have to go
and speak to...to Yerko.

332
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,600
You have 65 pence fine.

333
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,160
Thanks very much.

334
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,400
FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

335
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,360
English?

336
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,160
Yes. Roast beef? Manchester United?

337
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,680
The Beatles? David Beckham?

338
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,720
Cauliflower cheese, Habitat,
Fiona Bruce.

339
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:09,720
Anything over 240 by 165 by 5
millimetres counts as a large letter.

340
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:12,960
Yes.

341
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,440
Such memories! Forgive me.

342
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,480
Though I am of Reading and I am living
here in the France since the six months,

343
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,600
I cannot forget her. Right, well,
I'd better be on my way.

344
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,680
No, but please, I have envy
to practise my English tongue.

345
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,400
What is this thing that it is that is
this thing that you are looking for?

346
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,960
Well, I was going to check out
the cathedral. You know Sacre Coeur?

347
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,640
Sorry? Sacre Coeur.

348
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,720
Please?

349
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,680
Sacre Coeur. Say it again?

350
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,960
Sacre Coeur. It's here.

351
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,680
Ah! Sacre Coeur, yeah.

352
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:48,360
Er... How to say in English? Er...

353
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:51,760
Turn right, straight right,
right again, straight right,

354
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,119
straight right, right
again, straight right,

355
00:19:54,144 --> 00:19:56,320
then just look for the
massive cathedral.

356
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,640
Thanks.

357
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,400
Can you lend me 20 euros?

358
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,360
Today we stand united,
under the call of God.

359
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,840
ALL SHOUT

360
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,560
Today we fight a thousand men,
perhaps more.

361
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:17,560
Today, our divine Father calls unto
us to rise up against an unholy foe.

362
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,280
ALL SHOUT

363
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,320
Do you waver?
ALL SHOUT: No!

364
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,960
Do you pause? No! Never!

365
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,320
Forget not the destruction
of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre.

366
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,720
ALL SHOUT
Shame!

367
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,680
Forget not the barbarism of their
conquering of the holy city of Jerusalem.

368
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,200
Shame on their heads! Shame!

369
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,200
We cannot withstand further abuses.
No!

370
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,960
This ends today!
ALL SHOUT

371
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:44,800
My lord, my lord, the enemy is using
fires to disguise their numbers.

372
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,000
There's actually 3,000 men,
not 1,000.

373
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,920
Oh.

374
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,360
OK, no.
All right, we're not doing it.

375
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,800
Yeah, we're not doing it. It's off.

376
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,280
But the capture of Jerusalem!
Yeah!

377
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,600
The destruction of the holy church!
MEN SHOUT

378
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,320
MEN SHOUT
Shh!

379
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,280
They'll fucking hear you!

380
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,160
Look, men. Today,
when I said this happens today,

381
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,760
that was before I knew there was,
like, loads and loads of them.

382
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,920
Yeah? So it doesn't end today.

383
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,210
It ends some other day.

384
00:21:19,235 --> 00:21:23,080
When there aren't bloomin' millions
of them, there's just a few of them.

385
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,000
OK? On that day, we shall fight!
SILENCE

386
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,760
On that day, will you be with me?

387
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,200
ALL MURMUR

388
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,400
Good! That's good enough for me.
Good. Well done.

389
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,040
MOANING

390
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,320
Oh! That just gets better
and better.

391
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:44,000
Oh! Mmm!

392
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,120
Hey, I'd better go.
Oh, no, don't. Stay here.

393
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,960
Oh, OK!

394
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,840
Darling, I've left my phone here.

395
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:57,480
OK, this is a difficult situation.
Take it easy, Dan. Jo?

396
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,920
I think we should just try and deal
with this like adults. What?!

397
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:05,160
I think we should just take
a moment... Take a moment?! Yes.

398
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,040
Shut up! No more talking from you.
Jo! How could you do this?

399
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,160
Dan, it's...it's...
Right, you get up. No, Dan, no!

400
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,360
Get up. Just shut up!

401
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:14,800
Dan! Ow! Ow! For God's sake.

402
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,720
Look, Dan...

403
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,800
What are you doing? Dan?
I'm going to kill you. ..Oh, shit!

404
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,360
What is it?

405
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,720
I forgot to take the bins out.

406
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,480
Oh, bollocks!

407
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,720
You could be forgiven for thinking

408
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,880
that after all the tributes,
biographies, documentaries,

409
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,840
even conspiracy theories
about Diana, Princess of Wales,

410
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,200
not another word could be
written about her.

411
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,320
You'd be wrong, because our very own
Royal Correspondent, Terry Devlin,

412
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,680
has added his version of events
to the canon.

413
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,480
You were very close
to the princess, weren't you?

414
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,200
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
Oh, very, very, close indeed.

415
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,960
In fact, it would be fair to say
that Diana

416
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,560
then Princess of Wales, formerly
Lady Diana Spencer, latterly...

417
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,280
Her Royal Highness
the Queen of Hearts...

418
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,520
looked upon me
with those bewitching eyes

419
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,760
very much as her most trusted
member of the fourth estate.

420
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,400
Sheep-like as she was herself,

421
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,240
she recognised in me,
I like to think, a kindred sheep,

422
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:25,840
or at least very much in sheep's clothing
amongst an otherwise wolf-laden press pack.

423
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,480
So you've written a book revealing
intimate details about her private life?

424
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,400
That I have, Jeremy. That I have.

425
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,840
It's called The Crumbs from Under
Thy Table, Princess of Wales.

426
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:39,920
I see.
I am flinging wide the gates,

427
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,640
lifting the lid, as it were,

428
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:46,240
shining a torch whence ne'er hath
light been cast afore

429
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:50,680
on the very private face of the then
Royal Highness Princess of Wales.

430
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:55,800
And these revelations mainly centre
around a collection of personal effects

431
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:59,160
which came into your possession
following an unforgettable day

432
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,360
at Kensington Palace in 1988,
correct?

433
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,240
Uncannily so, Jeremy, yes.

434
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,280
What sort of things are we talking
about? photos? Diaries?

435
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,760
I feature,
amongst many, many other things,

436
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,880
a TV guide from September 18th 1988,

437
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,040
in which the Princess,
I believe, may be responsible

438
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,400
for circling an episode of
Howard's Way,

439
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,880
one or two cotton buds
from the staff toilet.

440
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:24,560
A toilet which could have been used by none
other than the Princess of Wales herself.

441
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,840
And that's it, is it?
Oh, no, no, no, far from it, no.

442
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,800
A sachet of Oil of Ulay,
from before it was Olay.

443
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,040
I believe there's a private letter
from St James's Palace

444
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,680
which you are reported to have
under lock and key

445
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,400
at an "undisclosed" location.

446
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,800
Does the book give any clues
as to that?

447
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,920
Let us just say that it represented
an opportunity for the Princess.

448
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,520
It was, Jeremy, an invitation

449
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,080
for her to transfer
the entirety of her balance

450
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,320
to a rate of 13.4%,
which, it must be remembered,

451
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,560
was a very, very competitive rate
at that time.

452
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,160
Junk mail.

453
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,480
If you wish.

454
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,880
Everyone gets junk mail.

455
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,600
Well, this is a book
very much for everyone.

456
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,240
She was, let us not forget,

457
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,080
the People's Princess,
the Princess of Wales.

458
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,560
Yup, um...great.
Well, thank you, Terry.

459
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:16,200
Er... In a moment we'll be...
meeting a man

460
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,880
whose campaign
to save a school for the blind

461
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,520
very nearly landed him in prison.

462
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,000
RUGBY BOOT FOOTSTEPS

463
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,920
Um... Whatever he's seeing.

464
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,200
Ultimate Blood?

465
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:44,240
Yes, can I have...15 halves
and one adult, please?

466
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,400
It's an 18.

467
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,800
The clever bastard.

468
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,400
THEY GRUNT

469
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,200
MAMMOTH ROARS

470
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,880
THUNDER

471
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,320
HARP GLISSANDO

472
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,480
RETCHING

473
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,960
MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra"
by Strauss

474
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:45,960
MUSIC STOPS
Da, da, da, uh-uh!

475
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:21,360
Ahhh...

476
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:23,960
Agh!

477
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:27,960
Help!

478
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,160
Help! Help, please!

479
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,600
Ungle... Bundle!