1
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:41,720
Um, well, we met at university,
so we've been together 20 years.

2
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,360
And in that time I don't think
we've spent a single night apart.

3
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,800
I've got absolutely no idea
who she is. Sorry.

4
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,800
No-one suits white jeans.
Yup.

5
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,800
Pigs can be toilet trained.
Right you are.

6
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,600
Mick Hucknall feels
under-appreciated.

7
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:58,720
Send him over a house plant.

8
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,880
China's a bit of a worry.
Well, try not to think about it.

9
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,440
You've just stepped in dog shit.
Good.

10
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,760
You don't need to keep melons
in the fridge. OK.

11
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:09,080
IN GERMAN:

12
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,760
Wooden floors are coming back.
I can't hear what you're saying.

13
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,120
Charisma is everything.
I am what I am, Sheila.

14
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,280
You're two minutes off
your personal best.

15
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:17,720
Yaarrrrrgh!

16
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,200
You join me at the Plantin Press
Museum in Antwerp

17
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,960
to view an extraordinary invention.

18
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,040
An invention that changed the world.

19
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,400
The printing press.

20
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,160
It seems simple enough,

21
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,560
but by rearranging
the individual pieces of type,

22
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,080
it became possible to print en masse

23
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,920
and thus disseminate any idea
that could be framed by man.

24
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:03,360
The blocks themselves, each one
a priceless artefact in its own right,

25
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:08,840
were delicately and intricately
hand-carved in reverse,

26
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,640
from the finest ebony.

27
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:15,480
Fortunately,
given their almost inestimable value,

28
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,840
they remain preserved all around us.

29
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:26,240
Now, the machine we see here
is nearly 450 years old

30
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,640
but I'm told it still works today

31
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,720
and I am privileged indeed

32
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:35,600
to have been granted permission
to print myself a page of text.

33
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,840
It looks so easy to work.
Well, it is easy to work.

34
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,600
One simply places the paper...

35
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,480
...like so.

36
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,760
Inserts the fascia
under the print head.

37
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,880
Then, um, one takes this arm...

38
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,960
and...one takes this arm
and pulls as hard as one can.

39
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:11,040
Yes, I was told very hard, though one
wants to be careful not to, er...

40
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,240
Yes, these machines
are deceptively robust,

41
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,720
built by craftsmen to a standard
rather than a price.

42
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,600
The, er, the trick is to pull...

43
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,760
To pull.

44
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,320
Give it a firm yank.

45
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:36,680
A jolt, maybe? A vigorous jolt
to free the mechanism.

46
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,040
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

47
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,760
(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Fierce!

48
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,920
Tonight we're camping out
and living off the land.

49
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:14,840
That's right, dude!

50
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,320
Now, we were planning to roast
a rabbit over an open fire,

51
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,160
but we haven't been able
to light the fire.

52
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,240
Plus, we haven't caught a rabbit
and Rory's feeling a bit tired.

53
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:23,760
Plus, my feet are getting a bit wet.

54
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,800
But then I remembered that my mam
owns a holiday cottage near here.

55
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:27,960
It doesn't even matter
if she's not in

56
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,240
because the next-door neighbour's
got a key.

57
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,400
Mine's a slice of Victoria sponge
with a doily

58
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,200
and a glass of Crabbie's
ginger wine!

59
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,000
Let's make it happen, bro!
Come on!

60
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,600
Ah, good evening ladies
and gentlemen.

61
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,160
Now, I'm sure Fyffe here
would forgive me if I told you that

62
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:45,600
he is an expert at dreaming up "get rich
quick" schemes. Is that fair, Fyffe?

63
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,320
Absolutely spot-on.

64
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,960
And what manner of goose is currently
laying your prospective golden eggs?

65
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,280
Well, it's a form of legal high that's
proving very popular in the clubs.

66
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,000
Oh. Sounds intriguing.

67
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,440
And if it slips under the
legislative radar for another year,

68
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,680
I shall be a millionaire!

69
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,080
And as far as the revenue is concerned,
he's just a horticulturalist

70
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,480
who gets through a hell of a lot
of rooting powder. Hmm.

71
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:15,000
Which, funnily enough, is becoming
its nickname on the club scene.

72
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,800
Well, what they don't know...
Keep up!

73
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,680
What they don't know won't hurt 'em.

74
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:28,400
And that, funnily enough,
is what this next song is all about.

75
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:36,440
# I woke the other morning
from a nightmare

76
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,200
# In which I swore on my own life
I'd never lie

77
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:45,400
# But I knew before I'd folded up
my nightwear

78
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,760
# That if I took on such an oath
I'd surely die

79
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:53,400
# I don't believe I'm more than
averagely mendacious

80
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,840
# It's just the truth exists
in several shades of grey

81
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:03,080
# If I wish to remain popular
and gracious, there must be

82
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,960
# A gulf twixt what I mean
and what I say

83
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:13,120
# You see, I say I'm doing this
when I'm really doing that

84
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,760
# He leaves home every morning
in his suit and bowler hat

85
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,400
# When in fact my morning meeting's
with my homeboys at the track

86
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:24,040
# 'Cause it's three years next November
since the day he got the sack

87
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,280
# I did a course in wine tasting

88
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,960
# He swallows, never spits

89
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,520
# I read National Geographic

90
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,400
# Looks at tribal women's bits

91
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,320
# Checking e-mails
Online poker

92
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,160
# Fresh air
A crafty fag

93
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,640
# And the lav is just a bolt hole
where I read the daily rag... #

94
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:43,880
He's had a colostomy bag for years.
Mrs F has no idea.

95
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,320
# I say I'm doing that
when I'm really doing this

96
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,880
# His evening class in French
was simply cover for a tryst

97
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,200
# I smoke herbal cigarettes... #
A crack pipe.

98
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,080
# And I never miss
a chance to walk the dog

99
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,920
# Well, I'm sure you get the gist

100
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,640
# The gym...
...is euphemistic

101
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,680
# Client meetings...
Never that

102
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,040
# If he says he's doing yoga...
I'll be standing at the back

103
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,520
# And if he says he's in the attic
putting lagging round the tank

104
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,560
# I'm merely shinning up the ladder
for a surreptitious... #

105
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,160
(CONTINUOUS TONE)

106
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,680
That was a fantastic swim. Now,
quick as you can, let's get dressed

107
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,440
then straight up to
the restaurant for lunch.

108
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:19,960
Can we have burgers and chips?
Tell you what,

109
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,840
you help Mike get dressed,
you can have anything you like.

110
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,120
And please dry your hair,
I don't want anyone catching a cold.

111
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,520
Oh, what the...? Shit!
What?

112
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,400
All our clothes have gone.
Someone's stolen our stuff!

113
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,080
Are you sure it's ours?
Well, that's your shoe, isn't it?

114
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,360
Oh, great!

115
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:40,040
It's my phone, my credit card, my wallet,
I had 200 quid in cash in there!

116
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,440
Not to mention our clothes!

117
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,680
What are we going to do?
Well, I don't know, do I?!

118
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:49,360
Oh, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, guys. It's just... Agh!

119
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:55,240
This isn't funny, but it did actually
happen to a friend of mine, so...

120
00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,800
No, Debs, no. You tell him from me
that if he can't work it out for himself,

121
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,520
I will come over there and, by God,
I will rip him a new one!

122
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,560
Problem?

123
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,720
My godson, he's having trouble
transferring a CD into iTunes.

124
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,240
What the Keith Sweat
is happening here?

125
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,040
I had to sleep in the shop
last night.

126
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,880
In your suit?
No, no. These are me PJs.

127
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,520
Yeah, Cheryl Three kicked me out,

128
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,520
says she's going to the bloody
lawyer for a divorce.

129
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,000
Ah, shittlesticks!

130
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,880
Apparently we don't communicate
any more.

131
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:32,480
I mean, for God's sake,
I'm always communicating at her.

132
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,360
But a lot of the time where women say
all this stuff about communication,

133
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:40,000
underneath it all they're not happy
about the carpet situation in the hall,

134
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,840
or maybe on the landing.

135
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:46,240
It can be very hard for couples
to discuss the flooring situation

136
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,040
when there's so many strong emotions
flying around.

137
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,840
I don't think so, Ken.

138
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,920
Sensitive subject, so please tell me
to forget me toothbrush,

139
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,360
but how are things
in the bedroom department?

140
00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,640
Good. Turning a nice profit.
We've got some great mark-ups

141
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,880
on these little...pocket-sprung
queen sizes.

142
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,920
What about sex with Cheryl?

143
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,320
I'm not sure I wanna go there, Ken.
Ah, come on Phil.

144
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,320
Sex is the battlefield
of any relationship.

145
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,960
I was reading one of Shoneesha's
magazines the other day

146
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:19,400
and do you know what it told me
was the most erotic part of the body?

147
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,320
I think I know this one, Ken.
It's the tits.

148
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,360
No, Phil, it's the brain.

149
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,360
What? That is disgusting.

150
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,720
I would never, ever have relations
with a woman's brain.

151
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,720
What do I know?
I'm just the messenger.

152
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,040
No, maybe I'll be better off
on my own, you know,

153
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,200
maybe that's me lot,
three Cheryls and out.

154
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,560
I'm only 63.

155
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:41,120
That still means I can go out with
women who are what? 29? 30?

156
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,480
Sure, yeah, 28, 29.

157
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:45,360
Yeah, 27, 28, that's about right,
isn't it?

158
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,520
Yeah. 25, 26, 27.

159
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,040
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 19?
Why not?

160
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,240
Why not? Mind you, if Shoneesha
told me she was leaving me,

161
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:59,400
it'd be like someone taking away
12 to 13 per cent of me carpet stock.

162
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,040
Wow, Ken, I've never heard
you talk like this before.

163
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,480
Well, that's how much she means to me.
What you've got to work out

164
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,960
is what percentage of beds,
undiscounted mind you,

165
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,560
you'd put as a value on Cheryl Three,

166
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,840
because that's what
you're going to lose.

167
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,760
Before tax.

168
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,560
You're right, Ken. I can't
afford to lose another Cheryl.

169
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,160
No.
I'm gonna find her,

170
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,280
grab her by the shoulders, tell her
to shut up and cut the crap.

171
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,160
And then I'll ask her
to do me the honour

172
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,000
of getting VAT
registered together.

173
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,880
That's it.
Help me off with my PJs, Ken.

174
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,160
There's a zip round the back.

175
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,520
Ah, yeah, got it.

176
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:38,120
Scritti Politti! You're like a
multi-fibre flat weave back here!

177
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,720
(ON TV) 'And in other news today,
a plane crash near Heathrow has meant

178
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:51,680
'that 3,000 people cannot get to
their required destinations on time.

179
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,040
'It may take up to three weeks...'
PHONE RINGS

180
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:55,680
'...to get all the
necessary flights available

181
00:10:55,680 --> 00:11:00,800
'to the other on-going destinations.
In sport...'

182
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,560
Arrh?

183
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,360
Who?

184
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,920
Black Tom Teach? No. No, no.

185
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:16,240
No, there's no-one here
of that name.

186
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,560
He sails no more, I tell you.
Now, don't call back.

187
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,680
Who was that?
No-one.

188
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:26,880
It better be no-one.

189
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,520
If I hear you've been pirating
again, Tom Teach,

190
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,440
there gonna be big trouble.
Big trouble, you hear me?

191
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,480
Yes, dear.

192
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,520
'And this just in.

193
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,040
'The M27 has been closed
near Portsmouth

194
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,400
'after a lorry has overturned,

195
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,760
'spilling a consignment of
rare Spanish doubloons

196
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,080
'across two lanes of
the eastbound carriageway.

197
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,720
'The coins are believed to date back
to the 14th century

198
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,520
'and their value has been estimated
at a sum of £8 million.'

199
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,080
MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey March"

200
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,040
PLUMMY ACCENTS

201
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,040
Have you got all, like, sand up your
crack and this, that and the other?

202
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,080
Yeah, man, it's mega scratchy
on all my region and business.

203
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,640
You know what I mean, it's harsh.

204
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,200
You know something, blud?
What is it, me military bredren?

205
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,120
I reckon that Welsh guy
was really cross with us.

206
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,400
You mean Japanese guy.

207
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,400
Whatever.

208
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,880
Yeah, but anyway, that Japanese guy
was well vexed-up with us

209
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,360
when we said we wouldn't build
his bridge, or whatever it is.

210
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,720
Yeah, because he did all shouting.

211
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,400
And then he buried us. Like a potato,
or that other vegetable you get.

212
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,440
Super Noodles?
Yeah.

213
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,800
He needs to get over himself, man.

214
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,080
We can't build no bridge
or escalator or whatever it is,

215
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,640
cos it's against health and safety.

216
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:35,680
You know what I mean?

217
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,840
That building site's contravening
so many kinds of legislation and shit

218
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:39,880
and I'm not even lying.

219
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,440
Yeah, man, bamboo stepladders
are retarded.

220
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,480
You know what?

221
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,840
I is gonna go up council, yeah?
The Burma borough council?

222
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,440
I'm going to see whoever
the guy is there, the safety bitch,

223
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,440
and then the Japanese army is going
to get, like, a really substantial fine.

224
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,680
Like, really substantial.

225
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:01,800
Like it, nice one, sorted, nang,
cool, bless, grimey.

226
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,200
So you know dinner time, yeah?

227
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,600
The time you have all your dinner
or tea or some shit like that?

228
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,000
Dinner time? Right?

229
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,080
You know that, yeah, that time?
Time for your dinner?

230
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,680
Dinner time?
Yeah?

231
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,840
So when it's, like, dinner time,
right, how's that gonna work?

232
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,520
Is some geezer going to feed us
with a spoon,

233
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,800
like they have to with your nan
in the home and all this?

234
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,120
I don't think we're getting
no dinner, blud.

235
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,480
Seriously, though,
what happens at dinner time?

236
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,800
No, man, we don't get no dinner.
They leave us out here

237
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,280
in the scorching sun to starve
and burn and dehydrate.

238
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,480
That is massively unfair.

239
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,120
Massively.

240
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,080
So shall we say we're gonna
build their bridge, then?

241
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,120
No way.

242
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,800
We is gonna take the burning sun,
man, cos our cause is just.

243
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,120
Well said, me fam.

244
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,720
And also...
Yeah?

245
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,920
We is gonna save so much money
at the tanning salon, isn't it?

246
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,240
Isn't it, though?
Isn't it?

247
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,080
Orangey.

248
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,800
FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

249
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:07,040
Ah! Greetings, unbetrothed
available young lady.

250
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:12,200
Allow me to introduce myself
to myself, Simpkins of the France.

251
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,600
Yes, I wish very much
to practise my English.

252
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,840
I am living here in the Paris
since the six months

253
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,080
and my mother's tongue
has completely dried up.

254
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,000
I'm sorry, I'm actually waiting
for someone.

255
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,480
Again one time?
I'm waiting for someone.

256
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,520
Sorry, it's just sort of sounds.
Sorry.

257
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,520
I'm waiting for my boyfriend.

258
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,800
Bleb, bleb, bleb, bleb, bleb
bleb, no idea.

259
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,560
I think I'm just going to head off.

260
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,200
But yes, of course.
Let's ourselves go to ourselves.

261
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,880
I shall show you the real Paris.

262
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,800
SPEAKS FRENCH:

263
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,720
Pleased to meet you to myself.
I am Simpkins of the France.

264
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,160
Hey, Man from Del Monte!

265
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,760
Why don't you take
your primary school satchel

266
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,040
and your big, fat,
unwashed English arse

267
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,200
and piss off back

268
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,440
to the shit TEFL backstreet school
you undoubtedly came from?

269
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,880
Can you lend me 20 euros?

270
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,280
Yes, so there is a part of me
that wonders

271
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,760
quite how I've ended up
in this situation, um,

272
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,880
running an organic soup company
with the bloke who killed my mum.

273
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,440
We also make porridge.

274
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,640
Come on, ladies,
smile with your hips,

275
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,960
smile with them.

276
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:52,480
Ah!

277
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:57,320
The blood-lust rises, Horschstadt,
it cries out to be sated.

278
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,080
Fear not, Pharius.

279
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,520
I was assured this would be
the perfect venue for seduction.

280
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,520
Where did you read
such exaggerations?

281
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,560
Bella.

282
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,120
Oh!

283
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:12,600
Did you know that there are
as many calories in a navel orange

284
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,520
as there are in two fingers
of Kit Kat?

285
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,640
But what spoke it of this soiree?

286
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,400
I was told of glamorous women,
enervated by Latin abandon,

287
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,240
blood heated
to the point of delirium.

288
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:29,640
It painted it to be some kind of
modern-day bacchanal orgy.

289
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,200
WHOOPING

290
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,120
Hmm.

291
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,560
Do you recall the masked ball
at Versailles?

292
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,440
Ah, le grand fete of 1748.

293
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,440
I seduced the Duchesse de Besancon
and her sister,

294
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:50,720
and her niece, if I remember rightly,
which I do.

295
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:54,880
To think that I, Pharius the Dread,
have just attempted a cha-cha-cha

296
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,000
with Joan whose cousin
was once on Going For Gold.

297
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,440
Well, a glimmer of hope?

298
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,280
She owns something called
"a static caravan".

299
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,040
It doesn't even move.

300
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:12,440
'Ere y'are you two,
don't be such wallflowers!

301
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,240
You have skin
like the finest alabaster,

302
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,720
pure, immutable...

303
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,840
exquisite.

304
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,160
Polish?

305
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,080
You 'ere for the fruit picking?

306
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,960
Madam, would you do me the great
honour of a turn around the floor?

307
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,840
Go on, then, but we'll have to be quick,
'cause my bus leaves in ten minutes.

308
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,520
Well, then, perhaps after we have
danced, I could accompany you

309
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:42,400
through the settling darkness
on the lonely walk to the bus shelter.

310
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,840
Via the kebab van?

311
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,400
Twist me arm. Go on, then.

312
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,080
WIND WHISTLES

313
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,680
Arreeeba!

314
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,120
Arses! Forgot the bins!

315
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:02,960
I say!

316
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,160
I say!

317
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,360
Look... Oh! Bastard!

318
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,160
Oh! Brilliant!

319
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,440
Oh, he is lovely, he is so lovely!
How much you say this one is?

320
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,200
He's £35, madam, a French Lop.

321
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,400
And you can keep him indoors?

322
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,200
Fine to keep him indoors, yes.

323
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,440
They actually prefer
a centrally-heated environment.

324
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:28,640
Oh, I love this one, he's lovely,
absolutely lovely. I love him already.

325
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,280
Little cuddly rabbit.
Don't you agree, Tom?

326
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,280
Tom!

327
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,280
Well, today is shaping up to be
one of the more controversial days

328
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,480
in the Queen's reign.

329
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,080
She is honouring the invitation

330
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,720
to despotic African leader,
Maxwell Bugana,

331
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,240
to attend a state dinner
at Buckingham Palace.

332
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:57,560
Now, we can't make contact

333
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,000
with our Chief Political Correspondent
in Zapoto at the moment,

334
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:05,640
but to discuss this very thorny issue
is our Royal Correspondent, Terry Devlin.

335
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,400
Um, a lot of people very angry
at the Queen's decision.

336
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,080
Do you think she'll be aware
of the implications

337
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,400
of having a leader of a murderous
regime at the Royal table?

338
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,160
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
Well, I'm in no doubt

339
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,680
that Her Majesty
the Queen Elizabeth

340
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,640
of the United Kingdom,
of these Home Nations,

341
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,920
Queen Regnant of the
Commonwealth Realms, of course,

342
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,440
will be aware of the magnitude
of the implications, either fully,

343
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:30,120
partially, wholly, fractionally, totally,
or perhaps if you like, not at all.

344
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,280
Hmm, yeah, er...

345
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,360
Let's move on to the banquet.
Ordinarily,

346
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,880
Royal protocol would demand
a minimum of seven courses,

347
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,640
but there have been rumours
of a reduced menu,

348
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,120
which could be interpreted as a...

349
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,560
well, shall we say a slight towards
Mr Bugana. What's your view?

350
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:51,240
Oh, well, a reduced menu could mean
any number of things, Jeremy.

351
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,080
It could mean anything from
the full traditional seven courses,

352
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,840
all the way down to six, five, four,
possibly three,

353
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,720
I'm not going to rule out two
and, gone to me head, one.

354
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,000
If I were a betting man, though,
I'd say anything from three to six.

355
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,480
Or seven, not including rolls.

356
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,080
No, no, no, see,
what I'm trying to ascertain is

357
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,880
whether it'll be, if you like,
the full state banquet,

358
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:16,080
or a more token affair reflecting
the dubious status of Mr Bugana.

359
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,840
You know, what will it entail?

360
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,840
Oh, well, that's of course
a very, very complex issue, Jeremy,

361
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,360
and very hard to know for sure.

362
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,920
A crescent of crisps
may well be laid out.

363
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,400
Dips, dips, very a la mode nowadays.

364
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,440
But regarding the menu,

365
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,040
I think it's fair to assume that
chicken will play a role there.

366
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,640
Although whether that be in
a Coronation or a mini Kiev capacity,

367
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,680
I'd be loath to commit.

368
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,120
I'd also imagine that over the years

369
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,360
the Royal banquets have featured
beasts of the field.

370
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,480
I'm talking beef, I'm talking lamb,
I'm talking pork.

371
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,360
Or am I? Is that applicable here?
Or goat, of course.

372
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:51,040
Venison, maybe. And naturally the sausage,
maybe in the guise of a salami,

373
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,880
or just the good old honest,
straight up and down banger

374
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,120
that you and I and so many countless
thousands are familiar with ourselves.

375
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,560
Yeah, yeah, I...

376
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,000
I'm sorry to interrupt you, I'm just
hearing that our link is back up

377
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,880
and we can go over live to
our Chief Political Correspondent,

378
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,840
who's just managed to get across
the border into Zapoto

379
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,720
and is waiting to speak to us
on the satellite phone.

380
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,760
Or cheese or bread, I mean,
no limit there.

381
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,440
Mr Bugana could quite literally keep
coming back for more, couldn't he?

382
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,920
Cheese or bread.
Paul, I understand

383
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,560
you've just experienced
some guerrilla fire?

384
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:17,760
Petit fours!

385
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,320
Time for another coffee?

386
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,560
Hmm. You're not going to be late?

387
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:24,680
Oh!

388
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,360
Where's Ben?

389
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,480
Cutting it fine, as usual.

390
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,440
Afternoon!

391
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,200
Have a lovely day, sweetheart.

392
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,920
There's some lasagne in the fridge
if I'm not back in time for tea.

393
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,880
Yeah, I'd better get going as well.
Wait.

394
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,000
Call me.

395
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,480
No, wait!

396
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:42,840
Sit down.

397
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,400
What is it?

398
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,720
I need to talk to you

399
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:55,720
and nobody ever has time to talk
about anything in this house.

400
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:56,760
OK. Yeah.

401
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,000
We're listening.
What's on your mind?

402
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,600
I need to... I just...

403
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,120
What, Ben?

404
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:05,800
What is it, sweetie?
You're scaring us.

405
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:10,720
I'm gay.

406
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,840
And I need you to know, because...

407
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:18,120
it's who I am and you're my parents

408
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,400
and I need you to be
involved in my life.

409
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,680
Oh, Ben, my poor baby.

410
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,200
I love you, Mum.

411
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,040
I love you too. I love you so much.

412
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,560
I don't believe it.

413
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:33,760
Dad?

414
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,440
I forgot to put the bins out.

415
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:53,720
Bollocks!

416
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,280
Right, so...

417
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,160
that's a vodka and pineapple juice
for Inez.

418
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,640
Oh, thank you, thank you, Jamie,
you are so kind.

419
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,760
And that's a rum for Tom.

420
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,040
Arrh!

421
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,960
Right, who's going to write? Tom?

422
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,560
Oh, no, no, no, you don't want Tom
to write, he cannot write neatly.

423
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,320
A monkey could do it better, truly.

424
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,520
Oh, go on, Tom.
I'm sure you can manage.

425
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:26,920
Right, well, Jamie's good on sport,
I can do literature and telly.

426
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,160
She's better at the telly.

427
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,320
It's nice to all come out together,
isn't it, Tom?

428
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,040
HE GRUNTS
We do well as team, I think?

429
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:49,400
Question one. Which novelty hit
kept Ultravox's Vienna

430
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:53,120
from the number one spot in 1981?

431
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,600
LOUD BANG

432
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,480
Oh, you'd better take the plastic
off so it's just paper in there.

433
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:10,040
Yeah, but then leaflets and stuff
will fall out and blow everywhere.

434
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,720
I mean, you know, it's just thin
plastic, it'll be fine.

435
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:13,880
Stop!

436
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,320
Putting your supplement
in the paper recycling

437
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,360
without removing the plastic sleeve
is a criminal offence.

438
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:23,240
We're putting a lid on
recycling box crime.

439
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:28,920
We're watching you with our cameras,
our vans, our helicopters,

440
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,960
our satellites and our network
of informants.

441
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:36,000
We're closing in, because if you put
supplements in the paper recycling

442
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,960
without removing the plastic
sleeve...

443
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,520
POLICE SIREN
Excuse me, sir.

444
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,640
The next sleeve you see
could be on a prison uniform.

445
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,640
Recycling. Think inside the box.

446
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,680
GRUNTING:

447
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,040
Argh.