1
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,720
We do not know yet
when that time will come.

2
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:43,360
Only God himself knows that, but He
has told me there will be signs.

3
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,960
And when I have witnessed
these signs,

4
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:51,320
I know that will mean God wishes
for us to join Him in eternity.

5
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,720
And at that point,
we must have the courage

6
00:00:53,720 --> 00:01:00,400
to free ourselves of our earthly bodies
and to join our creator in Heaven.

7
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,000
But that time is yet to come.

8
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:10,120
In the meantime, He wills it that
I continue my work here on Earth.

9
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:17,640
Two fat ladies...88.

10
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,720
KNOCK ON THE DOOR
PHONE RINGS

11
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,440
Sir? Come in.

12
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,320
Hello? Home Secretary.

13
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,840
Oh, hello, Fabio.
Yup, hang on a sec.

14
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,160
My interior designer.

15
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,280
Yup, go on.

16
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,120
Yup, the cushions for the sofa, yup.

17
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,680
All right, you check them out,
I'll hang on the line. What's this about?

18
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,200
Me? Yeah! The Daily Mail
would like a statement

19
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,762
about the gay wheelchair
basketball team from Sierra Leone

20
00:01:44,787 --> 00:01:46,000
who are applying for asylum.

21
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,440
Frankly, they're freakish and ugly
and I wouldn't want them in my home.

22
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,080
OK, I might have to
tone that down a bit.

23
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,280
No, no, no, swap them for the other
cushions. Can we send them back?

24
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,800
Come on, Peter,
can we send them back?

25
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,920
Oh, er, no, no. They're saying
they'll face the death penalty, sir.

26
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,480
I'd hang them myself if I could.

27
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,560
Do you want me to quote you
on that, or...?

28
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,237
No, but I'm not good with curtains,

29
00:02:06,262 --> 00:02:08,800
so could you attach them
to the poles yourselves? Yes.

30
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,640
Out of curiosity,
how are they supported?

31
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,360
Are you simple, Peter?
Who's backing them?

32
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,553
There's an online campaign,
the spokesperson

33
00:02:15,578 --> 00:02:17,600
for Liberty has made
remarks to the press

34
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,720
and the Lib Dems are behind them.
Those knobs. Yes, their spokesman...

35
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,720
No, no, knobs on
the kitchen cabinets.

36
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,600
No, they belonged to the previous
owner. Send them away. Yup.

37
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,080
Dining chairs, hmm.
What's wrong with their legs?

38
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,520
No, no, not you, Fabio.
What's wrong with their legs, Peter?

39
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,160
Oh, well, mostly spinal injuries,
some congenital conditions.

40
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:38,240
Is it significant? Of course. I need
to know if they're a bunch of fakes.

41
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,033
Well, they're members of the
International Federation...

42
00:02:41,058 --> 00:02:42,760
Sh! Are they genuine Queen Marys?

43
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,440
I said, are they actual Queen Marys,
Peter, are they really gay?

44
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,800
Who knows, I mean...?

45
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,080
Well, just check their bottoms
for giveaway signs.

46
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,280
I don't think we have
the powers to do that, sir.

47
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,960
Sorry, Fabio, it's not a good line.

48
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,680
I said turn the vases over
and see if they're real Wedgwood, OK?

49
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,800
Yep, all right, Fabio, thanks, you're
doing a very good job. OK, bye.

50
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,800
Home Secretary, we really do
need a decision.

51
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,120
It's not just the Mail,
there's a whole storm brewing.

52
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,240
Are we going to let them stay?

53
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,800
Well, this is a delicate matter.

54
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,600
They're clearly exposed and have been
badly mistreated. I trust your judgement.

55
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,880
If you think they need helping out,
then let's not leave them dangling.

56
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,960
I'll get on the phone to
immigration. Shh, shh, shh!

57
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,760
Not you. I'm talking to my proctologist
on the other line about my piles.

58
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,720
Oh, shit!

59
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,280
Kick and kick
and keep those core muscles strong!

60
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,920
World's greatest pentathlete,
that's what they'll say.

61
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,680
Feel that gold medal
round your neck, Joe,

62
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,600
visualise it, strong and solid
against your chest.

63
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,120
You're up there on the podium,
packed stadium, God Save The Queen,

64
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,520
fighting back the tears,
a whole nation united in pride.

65
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,640
A hero's return.
You know what that means, don't you?

66
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,760
Year down the line, team captain
on Hole In The Wall.

67
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,040
All these 5am sessions
will start to make sense

68
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,800
when you get in that silver jumpsuit.

69
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,200
My, my, look at you in the green room

70
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,440
sharing gourmet crisps
with Dominic Littlewood.

71
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,920
Ooh, Bombay mix, don't mind if I do!
Oh, stitch, stitch, stitch.

72
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,143
GEORDIE ACCENTS
We were going to go.

73
00:05:11,168 --> 00:05:13,240
and catch a beautiful red
mullet for our supper.

74
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,880
And cook it right here on the beach!
But it's a bit choppy and I don't fancy it.

75
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,800
That's right, so I'm using my iPhone

76
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,080
to book us a table
at Rick Stein's place in Padstow.

77
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,360
But can they fit us in?
It's pretty short notice!

78
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,320
We're in! Oh! Get in!

79
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,520
And what's more, dude,

80
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,280
it's part of a hotel so we won't
have to worry about driving.

81
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,720
Let's go for it! Come on!

82
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,800
This store closes in five minutes.

83
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,200
Please bring all of your items
to the till.

84
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,560
Oh, in the name of Beelzebub!

85
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,720
One could hardly call this
late night opening.

86
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,680
Darkness has been upon us
for but an hour.

87
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,680
Hurry, my dear Horschstadt.

88
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,240
The shop wench regards me
with "come hither" eyes.

89
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,600
Sad old perv.

90
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,200
Well?

91
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,080
My goodness! You're right.

92
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,360
Something's missing.

93
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:07,200
I'm told the secret lies
in the layering of many garments.

94
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,120
The chemise,
is it not supposed to be tucked in?

95
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,200
Well, apparently not.
On whose authority?

96
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,120
Gok Wan.

97
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,480
Gok what?

98
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,000
A gregarious sodomite
of some repute.

99
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,800
I saw him on the television.

100
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,920
But, seriously, what do you think?

101
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,480
Look, if we are to feed,
then we must be more..."hep".

102
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,680
Hip?

103
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,320
I'm pretty sure
they don't say that any more.

104
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,840
Well, aren't you even
going to try something on?

105
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:44,480
Horschstadt, I've been ravishing
maidens in this very cloak since 1482.

106
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,600
Hey, guys!

107
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,600
You're, um...looking good.

108
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,880
Yes, yes, good evening.
Thank you, yes.

109
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,280
Our work here is done. We were just
going to take a quick look in Next.

110
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,920
No...Urban Outfitters.
Urban Outfitters.

111
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,080
Oh, great, yeah, go for it.

112
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,280
Although you may
want to try Camden Market,

113
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,080
they've got more
gothicky-type stuff.

114
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,120
Yes, I'm sure we shall do very well,
thank you very much.

115
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,960
Anyway, better run. Don't want to
miss dinner, if you know what I mean.

116
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,200
Insufferable.

117
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,640
Though he did pull off
the layered effect with some elan.

118
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,840
Now I think I know what was missing
from my ensemble.

119
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,960
I'm not 100 per cent convinced,
but if you say so.

120
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,160
Hold, hold, my dear!

121
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,760
A startled fawn has just entered
the darkling glade.

122
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,440
Right, come on, then, everybody out.

123
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,960
Let us strike like a bolt of lightning
hurled from the blackest of skies.

124
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,040
WIND WHISTLES

125
00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:00,240
Madam, my friend has something
he wishes to show you.

126
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,640
Agh!

127
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,520
Come on! Get out!

128
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,520
Come, come, come, dear companion.

129
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:16,000
Let us settle for these weeds, then
find a quiet corner of Garfunkel's.

130
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,800
Meeting Mike's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

131
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,320
Oh, shut up.
It is. He knows it is.

132
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,600
Well, I suppose so.
Oh, hang on, you've got a...

133
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,960
We moved in together within what?

134
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,720
Two weeks? Two weeks, yeah.
Two weeks.

135
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,320
We just do everything together,
don't we? Cooking, shopping. Gym.

136
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,560
Of course.

137
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,320
And the weird thing is...

138
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,760
Neither of us is gay.

139
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,360
It was weird, though, wasn't it?

140
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,360
Yeah, I mean, they came
right up to our window.

141
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:49,680
What, the monkeys? No way!

142
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,800
Yeah, the hotel looked out
onto these trees.

143
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,148
The monkeys would come right
up - you had to be careful

144
00:08:54,173 --> 00:08:55,920
what you left out -
they'd be, like, whoa!

145
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,400
Oh, that sounds so nice.

146
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,880
Yeah, it was brilliant. I'll bore you with
the photos when you next come round.

147
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,640
Do, do, yeah.

148
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,840
Oh, God, Sam! You all right?

149
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,880
Sam? Oh, God!
Is there a doctor?

150
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,840
Please? Sam! Oh, no!

151
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,680
Oh, God!

152
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:16,200
This isn't funny, but it did actually
happen to a friend of mine, so...

153
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,560
If you've just joined us,

154
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,680
it's a special edition
of the programme today.

155
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,080
We've got live coverage

156
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,800
of all the build-up
to this afternoon's Royal wedding.

157
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:34,200
Time now to get the inside story
from Royal expert, Terry Devlin.

158
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,760
Terry, it's...it's still
relatively early in the day,

159
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,067
but it looks as though everything's
in full swing in central London.

160
00:09:40,091 --> 00:09:41,839
Oh, you're absolutely right, Jeremy.

161
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,520
In fact, the revelry here
started as early as last night

162
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,120
as the guests very much arrived

163
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,160
for an, if you like, eve of
wedding party at Clarence House.

164
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,760
Stephen Fry, Will Young,

165
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:55,400
Michael McIntyre,
Leona Lewis, Jools Holland.

166
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,040
These just some of
the names of people.

167
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,640
Yeah, and did you talk to
any of the guests, Terry?

168
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:04,520
Sanjeev Bhaskar, Mike Tindall,
Rowan Atkinson,

169
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,280
Lady Sarah Chatto,
formerly Armstrong-Jones,

170
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,440
the Sugababes, the Earl of Ulster,

171
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,240
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson,
Viscount Severn, Rory Bremner.

172
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,320
Just some further names of people,

173
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:19,240
all of them no doubt wound up in the
splendour of this, if one might call it,

174
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,640
and it's by no means
overstating it to do so,

175
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:26,520
the latest of many, many weddings
in the Royal House of Windsor.

176
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,960
Yeah, so just let me ask you...
Will everyone turn up?

177
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,160
Peter Phillips, son of the
Princess Royal, very much expected.

178
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,320
Terry...

179
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,080
Viscount Linley, offspring of the late
Princess Margaret and Lord Snowdon.

180
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,920
And, of course, his Royal Highness,
the Duke of Gloucester.

181
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,200
And Archbishop of Olomouc
sadly won't be there

182
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,880
on account of his having died
in 1831.

183
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,600
Yeah...
But Princess Eugenie

184
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,760
and her cadre of Royal bodyguards
very much will be there.

185
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,800
Did I say Michael McIntyre?
Yes, yes, you did.

186
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,860
What about the Prince?

187
00:10:54,885 --> 00:10:58,040
I imagine even you're not going to be
getting too close to the groom, Terry?

188
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,320
Well, on that score,
I think it's safe to say

189
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,600
that you are absolutely 110 per cent
correct, Jeremy.

190
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,160
I shall be staying well away,

191
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,480
giving the Prince and his
immediate family, the Royal Family,

192
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,040
the space that they need,
in accordance with Royal protocol,

193
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,120
and indeed not one
but two restraining orders.

194
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:21,600
Oh, I am now being singled out
for special singular attention

195
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,720
by one of Her Majesty's
constabularians.

196
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,520
I won't tell you again.

197
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,520
So you have no previous experience
of running a school?

198
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,840
Bull's-eye! Let's do this.

199
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,343
Snakes hear through their jaws.
With you.

200
00:11:33,368 --> 00:11:35,240
Prince Charles doesn't know
what he's talking about.

201
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,280
That's your opinion.

202
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,800
You can forget how to ride a bike.
Shit! Book me a refresher course.

203
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:42,120
Mr Stevenson and Mrs Hargreaves
have been at it for months. No way!

204
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,000
The Vikings discovered America.
Fair enough.

205
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,120
Tom Cruise can move small objects
with his mind.

206
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,320
Of course he can, dammit!

207
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,960
I've got a note. Not interested!

208
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,840
Radiohead is becoming
accessible again. Yes, it is.

209
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,640
Vegetarians aren't cool any more.
I see.

210
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,200
There's a scrap on
by the long jump pit. Is there?

211
00:11:56,200 --> 00:12:00,560
Come on, team! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!
Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!

212
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:12,040
Visitors to the Boltraffio Gardens
in Bologna

213
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:16,000
might be forgiven for walking past
this simple-looking fountain.

214
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:20,480
Not much to look at, perhaps,
but in its design and mechanism

215
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:24,920
it prefigures the achievements of
Bernini by more than a century.

216
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,920
It is, of course, the work of a man

217
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:33,000
whose name echoes down the centuries
- Leonardo da Vinci.

218
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:38,200
And its value
is absolutely beyond measure.

219
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,440
Not just an artist, or an engineer,

220
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,920
Leonardo was a scientist
before there were scientists.

221
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,680
A biologist, a physicist.

222
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,400
Many will have heard of his designs
for helicopters and tanks,

223
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:55,720
but few will be aware

224
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,800
that he also catalogued chemical
reactions and processes too.

225
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,960
That he was the first to make soap
from olive oil.

226
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,640
And that he refined potassium
from burnt wood and tree leaves.

227
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,400
And we know all this...

228
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:17,920
...because he recorded all of his
findings in meticulous detail here.

229
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:25,200
On numerous vellums made from
a delicate paper he produced himself.

230
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:29,480
The detail, the sheer erudition
recorded herein

231
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:34,400
must render this artefact one of the
most priceless in the whole of Europe.

232
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,760
Just take a look at this sketch.

233
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,160
FOUNTAIN GURGLES

234
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,960
See how the French are using
the natural cover of those rocks.

235
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,240
He's a clever one,
this Captain Luchard.

236
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,600
Shall we engage, sir?

237
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:21,000
Only if attacked directly.
This is a local quarrel

238
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,880
and England's fortunes are furthered
not a whit should we lose our heads.

239
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,080
No, I don't mind
sitting this one out.

240
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,800
Gives us a chance to observe
Frenchies' cannons in action, what?

241
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,000
Indeed, sir.

242
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,040
CANNON FIRE
Ah! There they go now.

243
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,480
CANNON FIRE

244
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,520
CANNON FIRE

245
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,360
CANNON FIRE

246
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,800
CAPTAIN BREAKS WIND

247
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,280
Ah! Here we go again.

248
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,920
CANNON FIRE

249
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,360
CANNON FIRE

250
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,440
CANNON FIRE

251
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,120
No, you listen to me, OK?

252
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,440
If you can't get it done by tomorrow,
I'm going to come over there

253
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,840
and I am, by God, going to stick it
where the sun don't shine!

254
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:24,480
Problem? Old dear next door has got a
yucca plant needs moving into the shade.

255
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,680
It's quite heavy.

256
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,800
Is this stool free?
Help yourself.

257
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,280
Ken!

258
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,440
Ken! Over 'ere, Ken.

259
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,120
Angelina Ballerina, Phil,
is that you?

260
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,640
Yes, it's me.

261
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,360
What's going on? What's with
all the cloak and dragon stuff?

262
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,440
Come over here and I'll show you.
Here, look.

263
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,680
Have a Nicky Witchell at that.
That came in the post today.

264
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:57,200
China crisis! A red brushed-cotton
Oxford pillowcase. What's it mean?

265
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,000
Nothing, that's just a sample I got
from Beds Beds Beds. Underneath.

266
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,600
Olympia Dukakis! A grey
brushed-cotton Oxford pillow...

267
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,200
I'm still none the wiser.
It's bad, Ken,

268
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,720
it's the classic augur of death
in the world of wholesale bedding.

269
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,120
Somebody is out to get me.

270
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:15,360
Yeah, well, of course they are, Phil.
You can't run a multi-county franchise

271
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,400
without rucking a few underlays
along the way, but so what?

272
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,240
You can't go on like this,
this isn't living.

273
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,360
Your own flesh and blood
not recognising you.

274
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,400
Look in the mirror,
don't even know yourself.

275
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:30,840
You're right, Ken. Oh, I tell you
what, that is a relief.

276
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,720
Good to have you back, and besides,
it could be a genuine mistake.

277
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,640
I remember when I first started out
in the carpet game,

278
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,760
I got sent a child's finger
in the post.

279
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,520
It turns out there was a perfectly
innocent explanation behind it.

280
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,560
Which was?

281
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,160
I can't remember,
but I can laugh about it now.

282
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,000
Well, this ain't
no laughing matter, Ken.

283
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,560
I might not have made the bed,

284
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,560
but sure as eggs is en Provence, I'm
the one who's gonna have to lie in it.

285
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,920
Believe you me I you they them,
Phil Cable,

286
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,000
you can't run away from this,
you've got to turn around and fight.

287
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,120
You're right, Ken.
It's dog eat dog out there.

288
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,080
In fact, it's worse
than dog eat dog,

289
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,360
it's dog leaves school at 14,
dog boils beetroot for a living,

290
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:06,800
dog runs market stall,

291
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,200
dog climbs ladder of swords
that is the retail bedding industry,

292
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,400
dog accidentally upsets other dog,

293
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,840
then dog threatens dog with a grey
brushed-cotton Oxford pillowcase.

294
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,680
Tin Machine, Phil Cable,
you are in a bad way.

295
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,240
Have you considered re-carpeting?
What?!

296
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,720
I know I should mind
me own Ski Sundays,

297
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,760
but the All Souls Claret can solve
a great many of man's problems.

298
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,840
HE SHOOTS
Agh!

299
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,720
You all right, Phil?
Mystery solved, Ken.

300
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,720
It was Terry Duvet, Dauphin Prince
of the Duvet brothers dynasty.

301
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,200
I remember now.

302
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,520
He ordered 12 gross of orthopaedic,
I sold him memory foam.

303
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,280
And you know the irony? If anything,
they are actually better for your back.

304
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,240
It's time to roll down the blind
and switch out the light.

305
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,000
It's curtains for Phil's Beds.

306
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,560
No, that's madness, Phil.
This is no time to be branching out.

307
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,320
No, you silly lump,
there's nothing wrong with you.

308
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,680
You ought to have more faith
in the good book.

309
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,080
That's what took your bullet.
Now, let's see who it was.

310
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,440
Yeah, you let me down,
I'll remember that.

311
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,680
You let me down, won't forget that.

312
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,640
You let me down, won't forget that.

313
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,640
Ah, would you look at that,
I might have known!

314
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,480
Executive Parsley!
Aye, that is a hard-wearing weave.

315
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,160
Job done. Tell you what,
I'll smooth things over with Terry,

316
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,960
send him a complimentary cheval
mirror with luxury bevelling.

317
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,200
That ought to do it. Now,
I'm going to treat you to a J2O.

318
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:32,360
Oh, Phil Cable, you ruin me!

319
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:39,120
Gentlemen, our orders have changed.
Are ye of a mind to fight?

320
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,600
ALL: Arrh!

321
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,040
It seems we have women aboard.
Was that a crowd of women shouting?

322
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,200
I said, are ye of a mind to fight?

323
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,320
Arrrh!

324
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,120
Again!
Arrrh!

325
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,920
Again!
Arrrh!

326
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,960
Again!
Arrrh!

327
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,040
Again!
Arrrh!

328
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,360
Again!
Arrrh!

329
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,720
Again!
Arrrh!

330
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,320
Again!

331
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,800
Oh, I'm hearing Terry Devlin
is back with us now.

332
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,800
Terry, very quickly,
Royal honeymoon plans?

333
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,360
Oh, well, Jeremy,
like many a groom before him,

334
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,600
the Prince will have tried to keep
this a secret from his Royal bride,

335
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,840
but I can tell you this -

336
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,000
he will have had the option
of choosing

337
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,540
from any number
of favoured Royal destinations.

338
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,600
The Maldives, Mustique,

339
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,080
Madeira, Malta, the Falkland Isles,

340
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,040
the Isle of Wight, Balmoral,
the Royal County of Berkshire,

341
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,160
the Royal Borough of Kensington
and Chelsea,

342
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,000
the Royal Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals,

343
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:39,920
Dubai, or, indeed, any of the many,
many, many holiday destinations

344
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,240
that do exist within
the United Kingdom

345
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,520
of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland, or, indeed, the...

346
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,240
Right, I've warned you!
Arrgh!

347
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,480
Um...Terry Devlin there,
our Royal Correspondent.

348
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,680
Now, more news on those dreadful
Californian mud slides.

349
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,680
Is he OK? Is he...?

350
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,440
Yeah, I mean, I suppose it is
a bit weird, but, you know,

351
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,640
we just all really get on. Er...

352
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,480
Yeah, I get on great with Chris...um,

353
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,240
I've no problem whatsoever
with the whole Fiona thing,

354
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:16,280
and, um, you know, Fiona gets on
great with Hermione, so...

355
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,760
WOMEN: Who's Hermione?

356
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,360
Ah, Barraclough!

357
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,560
Perhaps you'd be so good
as to allow me to accompany you.

358
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,680
Um... Actually, I think I might go
for a stroll out on deck, sir.

359
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,800
Here we are, then.
Oh, yeah, this is great.

360
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,240
Yes, sorry about the mess, we had a
party here yesterday, as you can see.

361
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,360
It was absolute mayhem.
I can see.

362
00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,480
And I gather you're going to be
doing a similar sort of thing?

363
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,360
Yes, my little boy's tenth birthday,

364
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,920
so I thought I'd do something
a little bit special.

365
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:05,960
Oh, lovely.

366
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,360
Sorry, do you mind if I sort of...?
No, no, no, by all means.

367
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,880
Now, we can do the tables like this,
or some people prefer...

368
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,200
Oliver, will you stop being
such a spoilt little shit!

369
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:15,480
I've spent a lot of money today.

370
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,480
Stop crying and go and dance
with your sister.

371
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,160
You're making me look like
a bad parent.

372
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,480
No, I like it, it's very, um...
It's got a lovely ambience, hasn't it?

373
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:27,960
What is the hire?
Er... It's £100 for the room

374
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,000
and then an extra £20 for use of
the kitchen, for drinks and so forth.

375
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,120
I'll probably just do
a sort of drinks table over here.

376
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,320
Yeah. This is good, isn't it.

377
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,200
Yes, it's a good sized stage
for the room, yeah.

378
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:43,440
Hey! That was great, wasn't it,
everyone? Yeah.

379
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,240
Not 200 quid's worth of great,
though, was it, mate?

380
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,640
Yeah? Well, do some balloon animals
or something.

381
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,280
Oh, shut up. Don't you push me.

382
00:21:55,600 --> 00:22:01,040
Yeah? Not so magic now,
are you, Molenzo?

383
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:04,920
No, I like it. Yeah. Yeah.

384
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,840
So shall we take a look
at the kitchen, or...?

385
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,680
Yup. Um...yes. Just through here.

386
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,400
It's fairly basic, but it's...
Oh!

387
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:17,000
Look, boys and girls, it's the
wicked witch of the west London.

388
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,920
No. No, he is not leaving.

389
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,880
He is staying here and enjoying the
party that I have thrown for him

390
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,280
because I love him!

391
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,320
Get...off!

392
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,640
Oh, brilliant!
That's the cake ruined!

393
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,600
Congratulations, Sandra, brilliant!

394
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,040
Do you want some birthday cake,
Oliver? Yeah?

395
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,920
You want some happy birthday cake?

396
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,920
Ollie! Come back. I'm sorry.
Jessica...

397
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,640
Sandra... Don't take them!

398
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,360
Please don't take my children!

399
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:03,400
No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

400
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:07,920
Um, sorry, actually I...
I know what you're going through,

401
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,320
because, um...last year
my ex and I had...

402
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,440
It's perfect! So, do I pay
a deposit, or, er...?

403
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,240
Oh, you've got a piano!

404
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:26,120
MUSIC: "The Entertainer"
by Scott Joplin

405
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,600
You can't go wrong
with gold bullion. Received.

406
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,400
Everyone loves their own farts.
Good.

407
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,760
I'm carrying a piece. With you.

408
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:34,840
E=MC squared.
Prove it.

409
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,680
London's the loneliest place
in the world. Spot-on.

410
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,520
No-one watches snooker any more.
Uh-huh.

411
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,200
We're all out of cheese flan.
Well done.

412
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,440
Your mum's a tramp. What's your
source? Um, your dad. Good work.

413
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:45,880
No-one knows where Malta is.
Sure.

414
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,320
They want you on board at Henchman
and Co. Oh, yes! What's that?

415
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,560
My resignation. But you've only just...
I'm out of my bloody depth, man!

416
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:04,160
Eine minuten, bitte.
Danke schon.

417
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,400
Ich brauche einen Fernsprecher,
bitte.

418
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,280
Danke.

419
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,920
PHONE RINGS

420
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,000
Listen very carefully,
I haven't got much time.

421
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,680
Good God, man!

422
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,240
GUN SAFETY CATCH

423
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:32,720
What's this? Possibly the single
biggest intelligence coup of the war.

424
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,240
It seems there's a dark secret
lurking at the heart of the Nazi state.

425
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,560
A secret which in the right hands
just might turn the tide of the war.

426
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:41,920
Who else has seen this?

427
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,160
No-one, sir. Enderby rang it through
from Austria about 20 minutes ago.

428
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,360
Rang it through?

429
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,640
I fear he shan't be coming back.

430
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,200
But this is dynamite.

431
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,760
"Hitler...one ball.

432
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,760
"Goering, two, but small.

433
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,040
"Himmler similar.

434
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,320
"Goebbels, no balls at all."

435
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,000
I think you know what to do
with this, Walduck.

436
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,840
What do you want?

437
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,360
A song.

438
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:24,240
You lot, you think this stuff
grows on trees.

439
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:29,400
You wanted bawdy barrack-room
ditties to raise morale.

440
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,360
I poured out my soul.

441
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,800
"Goering's prick
is full of diseases,

442
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,840
"that's why he has to
piss with tweezers."

443
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,600
I remember the songs, Harold.

444
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,080
But they had a crucial flaw.

445
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:49,400
They were always based
on speculation.

446
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,440
This time it's different.

447
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,040
Get me my old piano.

448
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:16,080
MUMBLES WORDS

449
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,120
HUMS

450
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:19,280
Ah! One ball!

451
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:30,240
♪ If Hannibal had many balls up in
the air, there'd da da da da... ♪

452
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,360
Can't have Hannibal.
Hannibal, that's not going to work!

453
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:39,360
♪ The testes, testes
The Fuhrer has only one. ♪

454
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,040
It's no use! It's no use!

455
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:49,800
TRAIN HOOTS

456
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,440
PLAYS COLONEL BOGEY TUNE

457
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:16,040
# Hitler has only got one ball
Goering has two, but very small

458
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,320
# Himmler has something sim-lar

459
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,200
♪ And poor old Goebbels
has no balls at all. ♪

460
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:32,520
Gentlemen...

461
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,840
...I think we've just
won ourselves a war.

462
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,280
Bravo! Bravo!

463
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,240
HE TAPS CODE

464
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,400
BEEPING

465
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:23,320
♪ Churchill hast eine massive cock! ♪

466
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:29,000
Nein, nein!
Haben ein grossen Kockendick?

467
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,880
Das ist gut, nein?