1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480 Come on or we'll get caught. Actually, if I get caught, 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,720 does it mean I don't have to go on a French Exchange? 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:11,440 Just shut up and keep guard, all right? You can't hurry art. This is my Sistine Chapel. 4 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:17,360 This programme contains adult humour. 5 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,960 Why are you doing this? Er, revenge! You've seen the gents', 6 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,720 the slander all over the walls. 7 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,680 That has got Pickwell's name written all over it. 8 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,360 It's got YOUR name written all over it. 9 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,120 She is the only person in this school 10 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,840 that hates me enough to write those mean things. 11 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,560 What? About your weird feet? 12 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,520 They're not weird, they're just...flat 13 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,040 and slightly webbed. 14 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,440 Is that why you have to wear the special shoes? You lot are just jealous 15 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,080 because I'm evolving quicker. 16 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:49,000 When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. 17 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,160 What's Waterworld? 18 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:54,600 "What's Waterworld"?! You haven't seen Waterworld? 19 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,840 Ah, Jesus! 20 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,680 Give me that, you little turd. 21 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,920 Right. Off you go. LEAVE! 22 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,480 She's coming! Shit! Hide! There's no way out. 23 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,280 The ventilation shaft. How? 24 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,320 Haven't you seen Die Hard? It's an 18! 25 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,040 What?! 26 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,760 First Waterworld, now this? 27 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,960 What do they teach you people? 28 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,320 WHISPERS: I told you she had a wang. 29 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,800 Everything all right in there? 30 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,360 Do a noise. Like what? 31 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,120 A girl having a crap. 32 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,520 HE STRAINS 33 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,440 Pathetic. 34 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,480 Yippee ki yay, mu... Oh, you wouldn't get it. 35 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,800 It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow. 36 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,200 Well, that's actually a compliment 37 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,720 because they won two Children's BAFTAs. What's this? 38 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,520 Taking a photo of you two butt nuggets leaving the ladies. 39 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,160 I'm twitpicin' that shit. 40 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,280 Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers. Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see. 41 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:47,720 That's my graffiti, innit. 42 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,480 Covering for her? I'm surprised. 43 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:54,640 You're many things, Grayson, but I didn't think you could be bought. Oh, shut up, jumper. 44 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:55,720 Jumper? 45 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,200 Yeah. You're wearing a jumper, and jumpers are bent, mate. 46 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,600 This is not bent, this is Dries Van Noten. 47 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:08,200 Marvin from JLS rocked one of these bad boys on The One Show. 48 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,000 Look, just delete the photo. 49 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,560 Shut up, Chicken Dippa! 50 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,480 Please. And what if I don't? 51 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,840 Then I will... 52 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,360 tell on you to a more senior member of staff. 53 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,880 THEY LAUGH 54 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,680 You is brass, bruv. 55 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,720 Oh, thank you. 56 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,560 Tell you what - I'll delete the photo if you do me a favour. 57 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:37,600 OK, but I'm not getting involved in any of your gang nonsense. 58 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,320 I've seen Kidulthood. I'm not killing anyone with a bat. 59 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,560 Change? But it was my money. 60 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,880 And the rest. 61 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,320 Prick. 62 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,280 That went well. 63 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:12,280 Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible, le bon vivant, le petit filou.. 64 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,560 Fraser, Ca... 65 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:15,920 Brie? 66 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,880 Erm look, about the French Exchange, er, please don't send Joe. 67 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,400 He really doesn't want to go. He hates France! 68 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,760 I was thinking, maybe you could send a Francophile? 69 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,480 Why would we send the PE teacher? 70 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,000 No, someone who loves France. 71 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,680 Skin? 72 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,440 Hanging! 73 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,160 Why are there all these parents here? 74 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,640 What's with all the questions? Am I on Mastermind? 75 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:43,600 If I am, chosen specialist subject, classical banter. 76 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,600 6th of the 9th '73 to Present day. 77 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,840 What's going on? 78 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,320 I've started so I'll finish. 79 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,760 The MILF brigade are in a bit of a tizz 80 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,840 about the impending arrivee of the French Exchange. 81 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,680 After last year's little debacle, 82 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,120 this year the parents don't want their kids getting pregnant. 83 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:04,240 Frigid! So, to quash any menopausal mayhem, 84 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,000 you have done the assembly on PSHE, haven't you? 85 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,640 Yeah! 86 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,720 Well, I mean, I haven't. 87 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,720 I let Stephen do it because he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah. 88 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,720 He's doing a presentation on gender equality. 89 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,000 Rennie? 90 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,720 I've double-dropped. 91 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,720 # I can do it like a brother do it like a dude 92 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,920 # Grab my crotch wear my hat low like you 93 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,960 # Do it like a brother do it like a dude 94 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,240 # Grab my crotch wear my hat low like you 95 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,800 # We can do it like the man'dem man'dem 96 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,320 # We can do it like the man'dem sugar, sugar, sugar 97 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,640 # We can do it like the man'dem man'dem 98 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,720 # We can do it like the man'dem sugar, sugar, sugar. # 99 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,800 Not a fan of R'n'B. 100 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,360 Right, those aren't normally allowed. 101 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,880 It's shocking. I'll have her out of those in no time. 102 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,680 OK, that didn't come out right. 103 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,800 < I'm worried for all our daughters... 104 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,760 What? Fraser's so out of his depth. 105 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,480 We were talking about teen sexuality, 106 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:49,800 and I was telling him about my experiences at a young age with other girls. 107 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,680 He just made this grunt noise, tensed up 108 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,200 and he ran to the toilet. 109 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,400 It's sad really. 110 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,040 Yeah, cos I'm, like, so cool with that. 111 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,200 You know, you... 112 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,880 other girls, making out... 113 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,160 Cos what I mean is like we've all done that. 114 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:17,520 We've all been there, like, I had a thing, when I was, like, 13. 115 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:22,040 I was having a sleepover, and I was top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye 116 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,640 and, I was at half mast, 117 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,920 maybe even two thirds. 118 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,440 No, but you see Alfie, 119 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:34,600 my point is that I think Fraser might have a more personal problem. 120 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,000 Lives in Derby now, old Atticus. 121 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,600 Added me on Facebook the other day. 122 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,360 Let's just say, I would not get a semi anymore. 123 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,560 Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep. 124 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,880 This is going straight onto Mumsnet. Sod Mumsnet. 125 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,760 OK, last year Jean Claude caused a bit of a stir. 126 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,600 Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston! 127 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,000 You've let this place become a den of inequity. Look at this! 128 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:04,000 Don't you think girls have enough pressure without this kind of thing? Oh, we don't discriminate. 129 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,520 We let the Dove adverty ones enter. Fat Alice did it last year. 130 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,840 That's outrageous. Exactly. That's why I voted her off in the first round. 131 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,520 "Fat Alice" is my daughter! 132 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:13,840 Hasn't she got nice eyes? 133 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,800 Yeah, lovely girl. 134 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,400 Bubbly Alice. 135 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,080 And it's gonna be worse when the exchange students arrive. 136 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,960 I don't want some predator in a beret groping my daughter. 137 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,680 Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation 138 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:30,800 I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be very low down on their list. 139 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,400 No, that's appears to have made it worse. Look. 140 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,160 You're all squabbling over what is the most beautiful part in bringing up a child. 141 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,200 We have to work together to help our kids 142 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,920 embrace the changes that are going on inside their bodies. 143 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,840 COUGHS: Bullshit! Finally some sense! 144 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,320 I think it's really important that we make a stand... 145 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,240 Yo, my turn. Um. 146 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,920 Just wanted to throw this one out there. 147 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:03,960 If any of the staff or indeed mums that are under the age of 40, 148 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,600 unless they're proper fit... 149 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,640 want to come and draw on my wealth 150 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,040 of sexual knowledge, you know where my door is. 151 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,440 How can I trust this moron with teaching my children 152 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,840 something as important as sex education? 153 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:24,120 I can assure you we are more than qualified to deal with this. 154 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,280 Perhaps some of the parents might like to sit in on a class? Mr Wickers! 155 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,600 You'd be happy with that, wouldn't you? 156 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:31,920 Erm... 157 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,200 Alfie? 158 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,800 Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool. 159 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,720 Share the knowledge. Feel the force. 160 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,640 I'm like a sex Yoda. 161 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,160 IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Many times done it, I have. 162 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,640 Oh, top notch Jedi banter. 163 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,640 Well, that's settled then. 164 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,480 What say you meet us all back here at 2.30? 165 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,680 And I can promise, by the time that mini-bus arrives from France, 166 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:02,040 all your little Casanovas will know their pinks from their browns. 167 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:03,160 OK? 168 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,800 You need to be aware of all the major sexual organs. 169 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,440 Yeah. 170 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,280 Labia... 171 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,080 vulva... 172 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,880 vagina. 173 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:28,200 So, we're all good talking about the... 174 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,000 Anus. 175 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:35,840 I thought we could watch a home video my husband and I made on our honeymoon. 176 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,760 It's on the internet somewhere. 177 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,800 Acts 15-20. 178 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,560 "And Moses did write to them, telling them to abstain 179 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:48,840 "from sexual immorality and from the meat of strangled animals." 180 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,160 That's funny, Miss. 181 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,480 I've heard you like to strangle the meat of your animal. Shut up, Grayson. 182 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,280 'And in we go. Back and forth, back and forth! Olive, do you want a scotch egg? 183 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,920 'Who's a good boy?' 184 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,480 Sex was invented... 185 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,840 by the Romans. 186 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:10,800 Pornography will give you a totally distorted impression of the female body. 187 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,880 Those aren't real women. This is. 188 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,680 It's... Fanny! 189 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,680 I give up. I don't know how to do it. 190 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,880 Sir, why don't you just draw a frog's dick so Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week. 191 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,440 You're an idiot. 192 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,680 Look, Joe, 193 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,600 you never know. You might enjoy it. 194 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,960 I'd rather shit in my hand and clap. 195 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,720 Sir, why is it only me 196 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,000 that has to go to a French Farm to stay with a bunch of freaks? 197 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,280 Not all farmers are freaks. 198 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,360 Alex James - he's in Blur. 199 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,280 But they sent me some cheese, through the post. 200 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,080 There you are. That's lovely. 201 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,400 Probably made from the farmer's wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid. 202 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,880 They do that. I read it in Nuts. What? Yeah. 203 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,920 And you're gonna have to wank off a cow. Why on earth would he have to do that? 204 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,280 To get milk, you pagan. 205 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,640 You genuinely think that's where milk comes from? 206 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,080 Look, France isn't that bad. 207 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,920 They've got loads of cool stuff 208 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,000 like skiing and... 209 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,480 Poirot. 210 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:18,760 Er, Poirot, Jing, erm, 211 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,640 he was a fictional detective created by Agatha Christie. 212 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,760 You know, Murder On The Orient Express. 213 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,480 Er, don't worry, they murder an American, not one of yours. 214 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,560 I can't believe you've actually read a book. 215 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,920 Book? I watched the TV shows. 216 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:42,480 OK, let's do this. And remember, it's all anonymous so you've got nothing to worry about. 217 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,840 "Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?" 218 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,840 Right, I'm not going to even dignify that with a response, Mitchell. Sir! 219 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,600 Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grinder? 220 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,960 Stephen, I have no idea. 221 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:02,760 Lucky dip then. Is it too much to ask to have a serious one? 222 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,320 "He's 23, I'm 15, what will it feel like?" 223 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,960 Illegal, Chantelle! 224 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,840 Oh! 225 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,400 I have just had...the most... 226 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,480 amazing sex ed class. 227 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,200 It was so honest. 228 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,680 We had this big discussion about losing your virginity 229 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,840 and Jason Stephens admitted he was still a virgin. 230 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,080 HE LAUGHS 231 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,160 That's good. 232 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,840 No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie. It was heartfelt and moving. 233 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,400 What's that book? Ah it's, er... Oh, I know this one. 234 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,080 It's very helpful with the basics. 235 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,880 Yeah, I mean I didn't really need it. 236 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:57,000 It was just in class earlier I sort of messed up a diagram of a penis. 237 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,520 I mean my one of the woman's erm... 238 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,880 Vagina? 239 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,240 Yeah. Vajuja. 240 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:07,440 I mean that was good cos obviously I've seen many of them, 241 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,680 but, in my time, so I got all the bits right. 242 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,040 You know, tubes, 243 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,640 the eggs, 244 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,440 and, erm, the... 245 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:19,960 ..lid. 246 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,920 The lid? Do you mean the labia? 247 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,120 Yes. Yeah. 248 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,280 The lab...lab...labia. Labia, yes. 249 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,880 That's what it's called. 250 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,520 Look, if you're teaching the phallus, 251 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,960 then it's very important you know your own. 252 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:36,960 How can you expect your class to understand their bodies if you don't understand yours? 253 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,000 You don't need this. Just study your own. 254 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,520 Get to know it. 255 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:42,840 What, I mean, 256 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,240 should I, like, trace it? 257 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,320 Examine it, don't be afraid of it. 258 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,760 Yeah. Yeah, you're right. 259 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,120 I don't need this, this shitty book. 260 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,800 There's all my answers. 261 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,360 Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh! 262 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,040 Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie. 263 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,720 Fraser, what are you doing? 264 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:07,200 Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing. You know, squat thrusts. 265 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,840 Just a standard library gym sesh. Working on the old, er, bibliopecs. 266 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,400 How are the old pump and grind classes going? 267 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,680 Yeah, I was just telling Alfie. 268 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,320 I mean this is the stuff that reminds me why I teach. 269 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,800 Don't you think it's amazing that we can inspire such honesty sexually? 270 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,880 Here's that book you asked for. 271 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,840 Oh, that's, no, that's not for me. 272 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,680 It is. You specifically made me buy it from Amazon. 273 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,960 Oh, fine. Very chatty for a librarian, aren't you? 274 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,120 It's for my class. 275 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,800 So, I'll go and read it, to them, now. 276 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:50,240 Now? Classes don't start for half an hour. 277 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,280 Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again! Not again. 278 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,760 OK, I need to inspire some honesty, 279 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,080 so I'm going to need one of you to lie about being gay. 280 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,040 That will make my sex ed class look so pro. 281 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,280 You know, you come out then I'll counsel you, like the bald guy 282 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,040 they bring out on Jeremy Kyle. 283 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,120 I'll go gay, Sir. But only if you watch. 284 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,480 And from now on, comments like that will be banned. 285 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,560 Sir, after a good deal of soul searching, and a powerful journey 286 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,960 of self discovery. I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. 287 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:32,040 Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But what we need here is a surprise... 288 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,800 Joe? 289 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,920 No. No, no, no. Look... No, no. 290 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,520 Now don't over-react. 291 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,640 No. Just calm down. No. I'm not doing it. Please. 292 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,760 All I'm asking you to do is to be gay for a day. 293 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,680 You just stand up in the middle of the class and say "Mr Wickers, 294 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,080 "I'm out and proud." Alfie, please don't do this. 295 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,720 Look, we all go through phases. 296 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:58,640 This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were apple-bobbing at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance, 297 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,920 and let's just say, our hands did not remain behind our backs. 298 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,600 I really, really don't want to do this. 299 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:11,560 Please. I know, I'll get you out of going to France. 300 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,800 You promise? 301 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,720 Have I ever let you down? 302 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,400 Ah, that's very sweet of you to offer to come out as well, Jing, 303 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,640 but, er, as they say in China - "one child will do." 304 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,400 Aaaw, that sounds like the French exchange. 305 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,520 Oh, they're gonna be fit. Oh, the bender bus has turned up. 306 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,920 Where are this lot from in France anyway? 307 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:41,600 From the town of Hoogeveen. Hoogeveen? That sounds German. 308 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,120 Are you sure it's in France. 309 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,040 Yes. From the French province of Drenthe. 310 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,600 Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland. 311 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,480 For God's sakes man, you teach Geography. 312 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,480 Well, I don't know. I mean, who's ever been to Holland? 313 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,680 I used to work in Amsterdam. 314 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:04,760 Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I mean, they're not obsessed with sex. 315 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,200 I mean look, no-one's gonna be hopping on that. 316 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,160 # Sexy boy... # 317 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,040 Oh, my God! Get that boy to the wheelie bins now! 318 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,440 Shut up, you slag. He's well bent. 319 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,280 Ain't he, Stephen? Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him. 320 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,680 Oh, waffles. 321 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,920 Shoot in da hoop. Into me. 322 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,520 Whoa. You just denied this quarterback a three-pointer. 323 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,280 Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen. New balls, please. 324 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,000 Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me 325 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,920 to stop referring to him as a brother from another mother. 326 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:09,240 He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown! 327 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,760 Fraser, did you listen to me? Joe can't go. Why? 328 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,920 Look... 329 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:20,320 ..he has been having some words with me in private 330 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:26,080 about a couple of issues that his having regarding his sexuality. 331 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,120 Why would that mean he can't go to Holland? 332 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,160 Fraser! Holland! 333 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,120 A young chap like that. 334 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,080 Vulnerable, unsure of himself, wandering round 335 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:42,320 the red light district of Amsterdam, high on marijuana. 336 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,800 They'd pass his bottom round like a joint. 337 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:49,160 Ooh. Formal warning from the governors regarding 338 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,320 my conduct towards a black parent. 339 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,320 # Do, do, do, do 340 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,280 # Do, do, do, do 341 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,960 # Do, do, do, do 342 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,720 # Do, do, do, do... # 343 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,440 Home run! 344 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,440 HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL 345 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,040 Actually can you just, er, pick that one out, 346 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,000 I should probably give it a read before the hearing. 347 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,240 So, are we agreed? Joe's not going? 348 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,320 Well, if he's having t'issues, we can't send him abroad. 349 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,960 I'll just ring around for another pupil. 350 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,120 Oh, before you do that, one of Ms Pickwell's class 351 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:32,000 has expressed a real affinity with the culture. 352 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,080 Get in the locker! 353 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,480 Hello, Francis. 354 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,160 Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten. 355 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,920 Ooh, speaking a little Dutch. That'll come in handy. 356 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,800 You been sniffing Pritt Stick again, you dick rash? 357 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,200 No, because I've found out that it's solvent free. 358 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,800 Mug. Fraser has just been on the phone to your parents. 359 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,760 Turns out there was a last minute drop out on the Dutch exchange, 360 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,840 and we all decided that you could go instead. 361 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,920 You're going to love it on the farm in Hoogeveen. 362 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,000 The 5am starts, the smell of manure, 363 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,040 the vigorous milking, and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven. 364 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:19,480 As they say in Holland, auf wiedersehen. 365 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,880 # Bendable, poseable 366 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,840 # Bendable, poseable 367 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,480 # Bendable, poseable 368 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,440 # Bendable, poseable... # 369 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,720 Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue. Don't block the camera. 370 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,000 Camera? Are you filming this? Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet. 371 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,960 Thank you very much for that. 372 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,760 Now, I'm glad you could all make it to one of our live sex shows. 373 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,800 Sorry - live classes on sex, sex ed class. 374 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,480 It's not a live sex show. 375 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,480 Now, I know you're all a little bit worried about your kids 376 00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,440 mingling with the French students, and their dubious sexual outlook. 377 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:06,440 Fear not, because luckily, ah, our students are in fact, Dutch. 378 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,600 So, enough tickle, a bit more tackle, funk you very much. 379 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,200 Settle down, brothers and sisters. It's time to share. 380 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,160 Where have I been? Good question. 381 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,080 Well, I've been sat in a room getting to know my penis. 382 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:37,080 And you know what? 383 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,320 He's a pretty great guy, cos Miss G's right. 384 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,480 How can you lot understand your penises 385 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,600 if you don't get to know my penis first? 386 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,560 That's out of context. 387 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,120 You don't need books. 388 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,200 Or libraries. 389 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,640 All of the answers are in here. The pant library. 390 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:07,040 So, next chapter, sex. 391 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,480 I thought you guys should share. 392 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:19,440 Is there anything anyone wants to share with the group? Joe, maybe? 393 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,840 Something that you might like to tell us, 394 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,440 some honesty that I've inspired? 395 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,400 No. For me, it's all about making everyone happy. 396 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,760 It's just our bodies, guys, let's have fun. 397 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,480 Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen. 398 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,840 We're talking about sex, yeah? 399 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:41,840 But if you're not mature enough to share with the group, that's fine. 400 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,960 Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share? OK well, I like to strum the clitoris. 401 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,760 Ooh. Don't say that! 402 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,400 What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like... 403 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,920 It's nothing. It doesn't even exist. It's a myth. 404 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,840 Wait. You're saying the clitoris is a myth? What is a glitorish? Chantelle'll show you. 405 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,280 Yeah, all right. Chantelle, keep your clothes on. 406 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,760 Hey, brother, why don't you share your experiences. 407 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,640 Erm, does anyone want to help me out? Joe? 408 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,360 What is a glitorish? And what's a MILF? Right, not helping. 409 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,680 You're mum's a MILF. She's not. MILF, my friend, is a mother I'd like to... 410 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,360 Fondle! Fondle. A mother I would like to fondle. 411 00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:18,160 Joe, are you sure there is nothing you want to tell us? No. 412 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,280 What's that I can smell? Is it cheese? 413 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,320 It's almost like we're on a farm. 414 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,840 I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it. 415 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,480 You'll have to be a little bit louder. 416 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,480 I'm gay. 417 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,440 Gay! Yup! How honest! 418 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:36,240 Oh, well done, Joe! That's great, man. 419 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,040 Mitchell, you owe us a fiver. I told you. 420 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,880 I'm not actually gay. 421 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,440 No, no, no. He, he definitely is a gay. 422 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:47,640 Well, are you gay or not? Alfie made me be gay for him. 423 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,200 Er, right. I, I didn't. 424 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,640 No, you did. You said if I didn't go gay for you, 425 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,840 you'd send me to Holland to live on a farm. 426 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,240 It sounds a lot worse than it actually is was. 427 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,800 Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of them coming out of the ladies toilet together! 428 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,520 What a shit! I bought him cider. That's not good. 429 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,320 Mumsnet has just crashed. That is good. 430 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,600 If you like sex so much, what's your favourite position? All of them. Shall we change the subject? 431 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,120 What foreplay do you take? All of the main ones. 432 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:14,120 When was the last time you had sex? Erm, on holiday. Who was she? 433 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,720 It was a long time ago. I can't remember. What was her name? 434 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,800 She didn't have one. Did she have balls, Sir? I don't know. 435 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,440 Was it a man? What was his name? 436 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,800 Calm Down. Calm down. Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM? 437 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,360 Er, stop asking me so many questions! 438 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:32,080 Come on, man, share with the group. Leave me alone, Hoogeveen. 439 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,200 I haven't. 440 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,280 All right. 441 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,480 I haven't ever slept with anyone. 442 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:46,000 I had a girlfriend for a long time but she wanted to save herself. 443 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,320 It just didn't happen. 444 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,280 What is a glitorish? 445 00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,040 I don't know what kind of weird, sick paedophile kind of teachers 446 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,960 you employ here, but they are not right here, 447 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,400 they are not right with children. OK, Mrs Lythgoe, 448 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,200 chill your boots, chill your hips, chill your lips, chill your... 449 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,560 just chill, just chill. 450 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,880 To be honest, I think we've got off on the wrong foot. 451 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,960 Alice, have you ever seen her dance? 452 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,080 She is like two Wayne Sleeps. I don't mean in size. 453 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,480 She she's a very, very dainty girl. 454 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,560 Alice has an inherited glandular disorder. 455 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,400 She's not fat, as you called her. 456 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,440 It's phat with a "ph". 457 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,520 Alfie. 458 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:27,680 What? 459 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,520 About the class, erm... 460 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,440 Look. I don't want to talk about it, all right. 461 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,600 No, I just wanted to say that I was really, really impressed. 462 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,000 You did exactly what I said. 463 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:41,000 You helped them understand it's OK not to rush things, 464 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,520 by being honest about yourself. 465 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,280 Really? 466 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,960 Yes, Alfie. Really. 467 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,360 See you tomorrow. 468 00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,760 Now, AlfBo. Why are you calling me that? 469 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,120 SuBo, never been kissed. Never call me that again. 470 00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:59,680 So, Mumsnet is back online, and it is not good. 471 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,480 There is, what can only be described as an angry hate mob demanding I sack you. 472 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:08,360 Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way of you taking a brief sabbatical. 473 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,200 You know what they say, out of sight, 474 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,640 out of murderous, angry minds. 475 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,120 Right? 476 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:21,400 Did you know Hoogeveen has one of Holland's oldest peat farms? 477 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:23,640 What? 478 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:31,960 Virgins say what? 479 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,200 What? 480 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:45,960 This is going to be the longest coach journey of your life. 481 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,600 HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY 482 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,560 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd