1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480 Listen, guys, concentrate. It's important you remember this. 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,720 Get ready. She's coming. 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,720 In three, two... 4 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,560 ALL: Oh, Captain, my Captain. 5 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,960 Guys. Come on. 6 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,120 They do this every time I try and go to the loo. Staff room. 7 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,720 It's a date. It's a staff meeting. 8 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,280 BELL RINGS 9 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,960 Oi, sir, man! You said you were going to help me down! 10 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:37,480 This programme contains adult humour. 11 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,840 I want your clothes, your books and your attention, please. 12 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,800 Mollinson, Mollinson. It's just a line from a film. 13 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:14,360 Now, it turns out I was wrong about the ban on religious symbols in schools. 14 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,640 That law applies to France only. My bad! 15 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,840 So, if any of the pupils want to reclaim their possessions, 16 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,920 I've got 13 crucifixes, 17 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,600 three skullcaps, and Samira Habsi's burqa. 18 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,480 Mr Habsi exploded. 19 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,880 Not like that. 20 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,960 Although, to apologise for my misreading of his faith, 21 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,040 I've sent him a bottle of wine and a hock of ham. 22 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,840 Fraser, can I raise something? I read this in Metro this morning. 23 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:47,120 Oh, my God! You read Metro? I read Metro, too. That is so weird. 24 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,240 It says there's this video game that kids are getting obsessed with. 25 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:55,360 Tokyo Sin SS - Dead Light District. 26 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,440 According to this, 27 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:01,680 the child plays a ninja who hunts down and murders Nazi prostitutes. 28 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,680 Is it free world or platform? 29 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,040 Kids are copying the moves, 30 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,400 beating each other up in the playground, doing karate. 31 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,440 Bukkake? Karate. 32 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,960 You're so deaf. 33 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,320 Ban the game, kill the virus. 34 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,440 I agree with Isabelle. 35 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,040 Whilst we're at it, why don't we ban those wheelie shoes? 36 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,840 I smacked a boy on the head, he shot off down the corridor, 37 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,680 went straight through a plate glass window. 38 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,720 I no longer agree with Isabelle. 39 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,440 Other schools are tough on violence. Look at St Stephen's! 40 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,080 They had a weapons amnesty. Re-to-the-wind. 41 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:35,520 Someone call Shaggy and tell him it was me on the bathroom floor. Oh, Jesus wept! 42 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,440 If we want to find out why these kids are addicted to this game, 43 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,200 we need to bring up a vein, take a hit ourselves and see 44 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,120 if we can't help them kick the habit. 45 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,280 What? You're not seriously considering buying the game? 46 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,120 I think our budget can stretch to that. 47 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,280 Ooh, can it stretch to FIFA? 48 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,760 This is work, Alfie. When you're at home you can play whatever you want. 49 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,440 My husband and I play with Wee. 50 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,600 Oh, you're on Nintendo? 51 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,600 What's Nintendo? 52 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:00,720 Meeting adjourned. 53 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,120 Hey. So, about that amnesty thing. 54 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,840 I was thinking that we should do one of them here, me and you. 55 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,560 What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think it's that bad, really? Yeah. 56 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,760 I keep you shielded from it but it's a jungle out there. 57 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:20,200 OK, our kids have weapons? Yeah. Mitchell, Joe, Rem Dogg... 58 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,360 The boy in the wheelchair? 59 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,480 He's the worst. He's got, like, 60 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,000 spikes that he puts on his hub caps like in Ben-Hur. 61 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,960 Well, I do think an amnesty could be a good idea. 62 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,280 Ooh, I know. 63 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,480 I could get our amnesty some press. Press? 64 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:38,200 I've got a contact at the Observer. Ooh, the Observer? 65 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,640 The Watford Observer. 66 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,000 I used to hook up with a page three girl there. 67 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,520 The Watford Observer doesn't have a page three. 68 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:50,160 Well, her article about me was on page three. 69 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,040 Why were you in the press? Broke my leg 70 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,760 playing human chess. 71 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:58,720 Sorry, you broke your leg... So, the amnesty, we're going to need a venue. 72 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,160 Now I was thinking... Canteen? 73 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,240 Nando's. A little wing roulette. 74 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,240 Two sides, macho peas, the rice. 75 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,840 Maybe a movie afterwards to celebrate? 76 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,520 I'll see if the canteen's free. 77 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,560 Suit yourself. 78 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,920 Hey, the press are going to love this, aren't they? 79 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,280 Little celebrity power couple, changing the world for the better. 80 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,680 Brangelina, Bennifer... 81 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,840 ..Rudy. Who's Rudy? 82 00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,000 Richard and Judy. 83 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,680 I'll see you at lunch, Alfie. Please don't book Nando's. 84 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,000 I won't. I couldn't. 85 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,240 I've tried. 86 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,920 They don't take bookings. 87 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,520 Their chicken's first come, first served, baby. 88 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,320 Not my class. 89 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,280 OK, guys, there's something very important that I need you to do. 90 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,760 Ooh, thanks. No problem. It's on the house. 91 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,120 Because that's what friends do, isn't it? 92 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,960 They buy things for each other. 93 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,920 You all look knackered. 94 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,280 Have you had another party that I wasn't invited to? 95 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,200 They've all been playing Tokyo Sin. Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench! 96 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,360 Hang on, hands up if you've got this game. 97 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,480 Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew with a little bit of sense. 98 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,360 It's just that it's an 18 and my mum won't buy it for me. 99 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,680 If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time. 100 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,560 Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze. 101 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,520 You don't get crazes, though, do you, sir? 102 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,880 You're older than that condom you got in your wallet. 103 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,520 Sir didn't get crazes, cos he went to a posh boys school. 104 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,520 Too busy playing quidditch with David Cameron. 105 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,480 Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts. 106 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:49,480 And look, for the record, we had crazes too. 107 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,600 Yeah. Pogs. 108 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,160 Mmm, now there was a craze. Who remembers Pogs? 109 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,360 Pogs! 110 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,400 Oh, you missed out! Pogs were amazing. 111 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,520 You had these little cardboard discs, right, 112 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,960 and you piled them up into a tower, 113 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,880 and then with another cardboard disc you'd chuck it 114 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,240 at the pile of cardboard discs, and it... 115 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,000 I'm going to accept that Pogs has not aged well. 116 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,200 Stephen, no offence, but this game, is it your kind of thing? 117 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,160 Nazis in fishnets? It's just like Cabaret. 118 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,200 Chantelle, you're a girl... 119 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,640 Who meets guys on the online multiplayer. Look me up. 120 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,720 My name's Jailbait. All one word. 121 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:40,840 And I've got webcam. 122 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,320 Blocked. 123 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,560 See? I'm the only one. You is missing out, fam. 124 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,480 Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finisher move? 125 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,400 You kick 'em in the head - whah - head explodes - boom - 126 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,280 brains everywhere! 127 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,040 Course I have, I got bare tekkers. 128 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,920 Yeah, but you play it on PC, don't ya? That shit is old. 129 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,880 Where'd you find it? Your nan's vadge? 130 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,400 Least my sister ain't lesbian. 131 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,480 She ain't lesbian. She goes to university. And? 132 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,320 Everybody knows university's for lesbos! Do one, Gran Turismo! 133 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,320 Oh, you two, stop flirting. When I was your age I had an N64. 134 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,440 And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin. 135 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,320 Zelda... 136 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,080 What you do in that? Dress up like a bender and play the flute? 137 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,680 It was an ocarina. 138 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:25,480 Oh, wow, an ocarina. Bet that helped you get the ladies. 139 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,920 Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell. 140 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,560 Maybe I should lend it to your sister. 141 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,400 Told! 142 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,440 Look, the point is, you're all very young and impressionable 143 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:39,160 and a game like this is dangerous because it is encouraging you to be violent. 144 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:45,520 That said, I am going to need you to get hold of some weapons - 145 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,680 bats, flick knives, chains. 146 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:54,240 Think outside the box. Bring anything you find into lunch. 147 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,080 Ow. 148 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,160 Yes, Mr. Habsi, I understand. 149 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,960 Shalom. 150 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,200 No, that's the other ones, isn't it? 151 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,360 Mazel tov? Hello? 152 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,480 Alfie! 153 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:17,360 Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf, and Osburga of Oslac, Thane of Wessex. 154 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,200 I see you've been on Wikipedia again. 155 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,800 Look, I thought everyone was over-reacting, but they're right. 156 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,720 All of my class are playing that game. 157 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,360 That's why I've been raping my brain. 158 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,360 It's "racking my brain." 159 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,520 Is the Pope Hindu? No. 160 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:36,680 How do you stop a craze? Invent a craze to replace it. 161 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,320 Do you? Right. Take a seat, dragon. 162 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,400 Dragon? 163 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,160 Next into the den is Fraser, 164 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,480 who wants investment for his ingenious crazes for kids. 165 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,080 First up, tattoos. 166 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,360 Tattoos? 167 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,840 They're a victimless crime and potentially educational! 168 00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,000 The kids could get a map of the world, the periodic table, 169 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,200 or Picasso's Guernica. 170 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,960 Yeah. I suspect some of the parents might object. 171 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,760 Say it, then. Say what? 172 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,800 You've seen Dragons' Den. Fraser, we're not on Dragons' Den. 173 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,920 I'm not moving till you say it. 174 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,600 If I say it, will this all be over quicker? 175 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,840 I'm out. 176 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,560 Craze two! Kids like animals, right? Yeah, I guess. 177 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,200 Franimals. 178 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,680 Animals made from fruit. 179 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:39,920 Behold, Orange-a-tang and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus. 180 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,640 Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha! 181 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,080 Are... 182 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,080 FRASER SNORTS 183 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,280 Right, I'm out. And I'm also leaving. 184 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,600 Zebranana? 185 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,000 FRASER WHINNIES 186 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,600 You need help. 187 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,560 Die, Nazi bitch! 188 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,040 Blitz kick! Bullshit. 189 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,040 Oh, this is embarrassing. 190 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:18,040 It's turned Mollinson into even more of dribbling idiot. 191 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,600 Eat my fist, you ho! 192 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,000 ALARM BLARES 193 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,040 Erm, where's Rosie? Who are you? 194 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,840 I'm Ron. I'm assisting Rosie today. 195 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,320 Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie asked me to assist her. 196 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,760 So you can assist off. 197 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,480 Look, mate. I have to be here. 198 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,360 A licensed weapons expert must be present. 199 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:53,840 Well, mate, that is exactly why Rosie asked me to be present, 200 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,560 because I actually own a gun. 201 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,120 Yeah, don't get much more expert than that, do you? 202 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,640 You own a gun? Yes, I own a gun, Ron. 203 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,560 It's a Glock. 204 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,760 I bought it off some Albanians in the pub. 205 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,200 They're always selling me black market shit - guns, drugs, 206 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,400 a snuff film. 207 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:20,560 Yeah, so, what heat you packing, Mr Weapons Expert? 208 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,960 Standard issue pepper spray. Standard issue pepper spray! 209 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,520 What are you, an old woman? 210 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,160 I'm a police officer. 211 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,400 Right. 212 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,280 Good. 213 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,000 I'm sorry. I was lying. 214 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,200 I don't own a gun. 215 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,200 And the Albanians, they sold me, like, one DVD once. 216 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,600 And I didn't even watch it all the way through, 217 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,680 cos the quality was so poor. 218 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,760 Do you know what happens at the end of The Notebook? 219 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,160 So, you've met the sergeant. 220 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,600 Yeah, Ron. My buddy. I love the police. 221 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,480 Shoot first, ask questions later, right? 222 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,720 Have you got any weapons? 223 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:12,800 Not unless you've got a very small gun in your pocket? 224 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,120 It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron. 225 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,080 Chantelle, what are you doing? Fingernails aren't weapons. 226 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,440 Try telling that to Linda Beale. 227 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,600 No-one wears Tulisa's scent on my turf. 228 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,480 Milk? I'm lactose intolerant. 229 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,480 This one thought it was a funny idea to spike my soya latte. 230 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,120 Mitchell made me do it. That's chemical warfare! 231 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,840 Yes, but it's not a weapon. 232 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,880 A trace of dairy and I go from Will Smith to Seal, 233 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,000 quicker than you can say, "Kiss from a rose." 234 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,920 ALARM BLARES 235 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,840 What are you wearing? Ninja mask, innit? 236 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,320 Make them out of old T-shirts. 237 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,240 Take it off. What have you got to hand in? 238 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,920 Oh, here we go. 239 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,280 This is your science homework. Knowledge is power, sir. 240 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,320 If I become a brilliant scientist, 241 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,320 I could destroy the whole world, in the flick of a switch. 242 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,560 The only thing you could contribute to science is your body. 243 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,160 Now, go away. 244 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:41,800 Macaroni cheese? Get that plate away from me. Why, Glee? 245 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,160 I have an allergy. That plate could kill me. 246 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,320 That was a mistake. 247 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,960 Mac attack! 248 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,360 My face! 249 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,640 # Love remained a drug 250 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,760 # That's the high and not the pill 251 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,960 # But did you know that when it snows 252 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,360 # My eyes become large 253 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,640 # And the light that you shine can be seen... # 254 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,440 Consider yourself blitzed! 255 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,920 # Baby 256 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:26,760 # I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey 257 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,640 # Now that your rose is in bloom 258 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,160 # A light hits the gloom on the grey... # Erm, excuse me. Excuse me. 259 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,640 How dare you use physical violence like this? 260 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,880 It's cowardly. Cowardly. 261 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,840 These ninja masks are totally against school rules. 262 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,160 So, off with their heads. 263 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,200 What are we going to do about the newspaper? 264 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,600 Oh, I was thinking we could appease them, give them a replacement story. 265 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,160 "Injured Human Chess Boy in Miracle Recovery." 266 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,080 I was thinking we ask them back and explain we're taking steps 267 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,560 to teach conflict resolution. 268 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,480 Yeah. That might be a better idea. How do we yabba-dabba-do that? 269 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,480 I spoke to Ron. He's trained in self-defence. 270 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,080 Not that police doofus. 271 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,360 We could do a demonstration for the kids. 272 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:18,600 He's such an interesting guy. He was showing me some of his holds. 273 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,640 He's so strong, yet so soft at the same time. 274 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,840 Sounds like a toilet roll. Preet! 275 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,960 There's a guy at my gym who teaches self-defence. 276 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,840 He'd be perfect. The kids would love him. 277 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,480 Fraser, were not having some random guy from your gym. 278 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,640 Alfie's right. Ron's more qualified. 279 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,240 But I mean, if you say this Preet guy's a professional... 280 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,480 I mean, he would probably be better than Sergeant Andrex. 281 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,680 OK. Miss G, You get on to the paper, I'll give my guy a tinkle. 282 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,160 How does that sound, yeah? 283 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,720 Samira, I am so sorry. 284 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,640 Oh, my God. Please don't tell your father. 285 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:03,400 'Violence is everywhere. So how do you protect yourself? 286 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,160 'This is Loretta, your typical all-American woman. 287 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,600 'She's standing outside a jazz club 288 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,560 'but she's about to have a run-in with some jazz lovers. You all right, baby?' 289 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,760 'If your attacker tries to blind you, raise your hand 290 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:21,200 'up to the bridge of your nose to disable the gouge. 291 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,000 'Well done, Loretta. 292 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,280 'But next time, play it safe and stick to Country and Western. 293 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,040 'And where's Loretta now? 294 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,800 'She's watching some brothers shooting hoops in the Projects. 295 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,880 'If an attacker comes from behind, 296 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,320 'scrape down on their shin with the heel of your stiletto. 297 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,680 'Not this time, Germaine. Try slam dunking the funk after that. 298 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,720 'And remember, on November 8th...' 299 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,280 So, I would ignore all of that. 300 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,080 What you have to remember is, that video was made in a time 301 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,720 when people were... 302 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,080 racist. 303 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,240 Then why did you show it to us? Because, Jing, 304 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,760 teachers live by an ancient code as old as time. 305 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,160 Which is? 306 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,360 If you're out of your depth, put on a video. 307 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:23,000 Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn't cool. 308 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,160 Well, it was. Grayson's a prick. 309 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,960 Agreed. But you can't lash out like that. 310 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,960 What if someone's giving you beef? 311 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,960 Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy. 312 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,040 Like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler? 313 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,600 Why do you only ever remember history to prove me wrong? 314 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,880 Yes, Jing. And Tiananmen Square. 315 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,200 Look, what is the deadliest animal on the planet? 316 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,240 A tiger. 317 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:55,240 No, the human being. We're all biologically conditioned to fight. 318 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,720 The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain. 319 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,880 OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke. 320 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,120 He's the brainiest guy in the world, right? 321 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,760 Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but... 322 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,680 If he's so deadly, who'd win a fight between him and a tiger? 323 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,120 Well, the tiger, obviously. 324 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,040 So he's not the deadliest. That's not the point. 325 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,880 What about him versus a shark? 326 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,800 The shark. What, even on dry land? 327 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,000 No, I guess on dry land the shark would probably dry out. 328 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,040 I can't believe I'm even playing this game. 329 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,240 Look, there are plenty of animals that could kill Stephen Hawking. 330 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,520 Like a badger? Yes, a badger probably would. 331 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,080 How, though? I don't know. 332 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,560 Bite him, give him TB. 333 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,360 Mr Wickers, I'm just returning Stephen. 334 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:38,120 Did you apologise to Grayson? I told him to swivel. 335 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:41,480 See, proof that everything can be resolved with words. 336 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,240 What about Israel and Palestine? 337 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,880 Oh, stop learning. 338 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,720 Mr Wickers, can I bum a dime of your time? 339 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:50,880 Jing, er... 340 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,520 Take over. 341 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,400 Stay down. What the hell? 342 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,120 Cease and desist. Cease and desist. 343 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:05,760 All right, I desist. Please, just let me go. 344 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,320 Classic! What the hell is going on? 345 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,240 Absolutely classic. Alfie, this is Preet from my gym. 346 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,960 Hi bro, pleasure. Preet Van Der Plessiss. 347 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,760 What is this? 348 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,760 This is your very own personal safety guru. 349 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,000 I like this moffie, Frase. Spunky. 350 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,280 You putt from the rough, yah? What? 351 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,440 Do you take it in the karoo? 352 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,760 You're a biltong-er? 353 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:29,880 A kak-goofer? 354 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,480 No, I'm messing, bro. 355 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,600 No, no, I'm here to show your kids how to bring the fire to a brawl. 356 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,760 He means prevent a fight. 357 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,000 Or maybe paralyse a woman. 358 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,080 I told you, Alf. Preet changed my life. 359 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,480 Yah, Teach here may look like a scrawny sack of shit and bones 360 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:52,200 but I've turned him into a cobra. Ssssss. 361 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,840 Yeah, well, having thought about it, I think my kids'll be fine. 362 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,240 Are they though, bro? If I cammoed up and broke into your class with a hunting knife, 363 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,120 would you take me down before I butchered a kiddie or two? 364 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,200 I'm messing, bro. No, no, no. 365 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,040 Fraser, is this man even allowed near children? 366 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,000 I mean, has he got a CRB check? 367 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,200 Alf, I've paid for Preet's time and he's serious bunce. 368 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,200 Would you at least consider it? 369 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,320 Is this one of these things where you ask me 370 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,520 for permission for something that's definitely happening anyway? Yes. 371 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,240 Great, well I'll unload the van. You got crash mats? 372 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,640 Crash mats? Yah, I need to show them how to deal with anything. 373 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,600 You're a filthy, dick-licking piece of bokke shit. 374 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,880 But I like you. 375 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,640 I really, really like you. 376 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,080 He always does that. 377 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,560 STUDENTS CHATTER 378 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,520 OK, listen up, you rag-tag pack of cocksuckers. 379 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,680 Right, OK. Can we reign in the homophobia a little in front of the children? 380 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,320 Yeah, keep your plug in, dick tickler! 381 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,320 So, personal safety. Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch? 382 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,080 Yes, bruv. Obviously, we won't be doing that 383 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,240 as this class is about avoiding violent situations. 384 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,600 Now, all you need to win in a fight is...that. 385 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,320 Head butts. Thinking! 386 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:36,080 Preet is going to help you identify the danger signs, aren't you, Preet? 387 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,920 How to spot trouble. Yah, racial profiling. 388 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,680 It used to just be Blacks, now Asians are tricky too. 389 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:46,280 That's inappropriate. Um, shall we... 390 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,960 OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance? 391 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,920 ALL: Me! Me! Me! Me! 392 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,840 I will do it. Aw, sir... 393 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,440 OK, butt stuffer. 394 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,200 Here's your kit. 395 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:03,840 I'm not getting changed. 396 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,320 Fine. 397 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,480 Wheels, you're up. 398 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,800 OK, I'm going. I'm going. 399 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,680 SCREAMING FROM GAME 400 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,360 MORE SCREAMING 401 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,400 Yah, that's better, puss. STUDENTS LAUGH 402 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,480 Now you're ready to play with Daddy. 403 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,800 Right. Um... Now, it is very important to remember 404 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,040 that we are not condoning violence. 405 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,280 What we are going to show you now is absolutely the last resort. 406 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,280 The choke hold. 407 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,560 And for some real fun, jab the windpipe. 408 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,280 Right, Podge, you're in the shower room. 409 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,360 This fudge-tunneller creeps in. Think quick, what you gonna do? 410 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,720 Er, turn the other cheek? 411 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,760 In the shower? No, bro, he wants that. 412 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,320 You want to get him in his yam yams. Not my yam yams... 413 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,440 Please let go. 414 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,360 Get up, you prawn. 415 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,160 No. I will! 416 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:40,000 Mitchell, remember what I said. 417 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:44,080 The mind is the strongest weapon that there is. 418 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,640 Wrong. Teach here has clearly never felt a riot baton. 419 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,840 Why did you do that? TIA, bro. This is Africa. 420 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,840 It's not, it's Hertfordshire. 421 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,240 Next step. Stukkie, can I borrow your high heels? 422 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,640 No. Sir said to seek a peaceful solution. 423 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,680 And anyway, these are New Look. 424 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,520 Fine, we'll skip the full frontal and move straight to the Taser. 425 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,040 THEY GASP What? 426 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,880 What?! Taser? No way! 427 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,640 No, no. Hey, pass me the Taser, bro, come on. 428 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,800 I'm gonna neutralise this cock-knocker. 429 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,280 He'll not be getting his tongue on my sugar. 430 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,880 Stephen, no! Please, someone, help! But sir, you've been telling us not to! 431 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,280 I was wrong. A hundred percent, definitely wrong. 432 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,840 Cease and desist! Joe! 433 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,600 Shit. 434 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,600 What? 435 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,440 He was a prick! 436 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,920 'Can we get a picture please, mate? This way. It's for The Observer.' 437 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,080 So, looks like our weapons amnesty worked out after all. 438 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,720 Yeah. What happened though? 439 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:13,840 Well, you know I'm a pacifist so when he started attacking me, 440 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,000 I set an example to all of the kids by non-violently 441 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,800 soaking up all of his negative energy. 442 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,760 Oh, wow. That's so great. That takes real strength... 443 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,800 Then I tasered him. Oh. Thank God Ron was here. 444 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,000 'Sorry guys, can we get one of you two together, please? 445 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,080 'Over here, come on, chaps!' 446 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,200 Oh! Picture. 'Thank you very much. Lovely.' 447 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,600 CAMERA WHIRRS 448 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,520 SCREAMING ON GAME 449 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,280 SHE HISSES 450 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,280 Alfie? Look, I'm sorry. 451 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,920 No. I've thought about what you said... So have I. 452 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:39,880 And I've broken every rule in the book, 453 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,240 but I didn't want you being left out. 454 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,000 Alfie... Don't worry about it. 455 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,600 Well, no, it's not that. 456 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,080 It's just that Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more. 457 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,840 Ain't you heard, Grandad? It's all about Murder Blade. 458 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,520 Murder Blade? That sounds even worse. 459 00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,040 Basically, you've got these little cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up, 460 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,520 then you throw more little cardboard squares at the little cardboard squares. 461 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,000 But... 462 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:07,640 That's just Pogs! 463 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd