1 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:04,480 CHATTER AND LAUGHTER 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,680 Can everyone please be quiet? Sssshhhhh. 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:10,080 Erm, can you listen to Mr Wickers, please? Settle down. Hang on. 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:13,440 Hang on. If you want their attention, start with a joke. 5 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:17,720 What do you call a black milkman? Right. OK. Hello, everyone. 6 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Welcome to the Abbey Grove field trip. 7 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:24,480 Next stop, the Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo. 8 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,480 What do you want? To say a few words. It's not a wedding. 9 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,280 Now, I only have one rule... 10 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:34,080 There are no rules. Except, annoyingly, all of the school rules. 11 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,760 And one new rule. 12 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,760 Please don't do anything Mitchell dares you to do. 13 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:39,800 Joe. 14 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,240 Joe. 15 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,240 Ah, cringe! 16 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,320 Now, smoking is only permitted at the front of the coach, 17 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,840 so I can suck up all your second-hand stuff while I'm driving. 18 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,360 All right? Sit down. 19 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,880 Now, there's no lock on the toilet, 20 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,960 so put a sock on the door if you're docking at Quimsby... Right. 21 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,080 ..if you know what I mean. Um. Do you maybe want to just put on a video? 22 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,080 Oh, yeah. I've got a couple here. I've got Showgirls 23 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,240 and, er, Predator. 24 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,520 Oh, sweet. Which Predator? 25 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:08,880 Alfie! 26 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:13,240 Twelve Angry Men. Is that with Henry Fonda? 27 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,920 Oh, no. My ex-wife and the darts team. Double top. 28 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,240 Maybe the radio? 29 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,680 You got it. You're the boss. 30 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:24,480 So kids, what do you call an Indian with thrush? 31 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,760 This programme contains adult humour. 32 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,880 Now, er, if you look to your left you'll see the Cock and Goose. 33 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,440 The cubicles are very well connected. 34 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,280 And if you look to your right, you'll see a lay-by 35 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:07,080 that is in my opinion a tad over lit. 36 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:15,120 Oi, what you... Why've you got a bag of miniatures? 37 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,880 This shit Irish airline, right, fired my brother 38 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,720 cos he broke company policy. 39 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,680 How? He helped a customer. Anyways, when he left, 40 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,040 he jacked a load of these and a couple of life jackets. 41 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,080 HE TUTS 42 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,840 Give me that. Look, just cos we're not in school 43 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,840 doesn't mean you can get drunk. THESE are confiscated. 44 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,480 Why are you wearing those heinous boots? 45 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,600 They're just hiking boots. What's wrong with them? 46 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,560 It's just those and that hair makes you look like a guard in a woman's prison. 47 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,040 These are my outdoors clothes. 48 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,760 We're going to the countryside! 49 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,560 Bear Grylls says you have to be prepared for anything 50 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,360 which is why I am also... 51 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,040 rockin' one of these bad boys. 52 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,600 Multi-purpose utility harness. 53 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,000 Is that a spork?! Yep. For those tricky little jobs 54 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,080 that a fork just can't handle. 55 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,920 Is it supposed to be that tight?! Yup. 56 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,600 Can't feel a thing. Chap slap! 57 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,880 Oh! You dick! 58 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,960 HE LAUGHS 59 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,760 Sir, I need your help. 60 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,440 I want a DMC about relationships. This boy, Finlay, he... 61 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,240 Sir, why can't we go paint balling? 62 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,480 Because it doesn't benefit an academic subject. 63 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:28,520 Art! 64 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,280 Art! We're not going paint balling. 65 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:37,840 Why is it an ink museum AND a petting zoo? I don't know, Alfie. 66 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:39,600 Maybe they've got a squid. 67 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,800 This trip is going to be so dull. 68 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,840 Look, I organised this. You told me you liked animals as well. 69 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,800 Yeah, I do. Tigers and shit. 70 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,840 Anyway, it's a lot better than some other trips. Yeah, Fraser's taking 71 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:55,240 the English scholars to see some boring poetry thing. 72 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,280 Hello. 73 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,720 Where's the rap battle? 74 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,080 Tight to me, kids. 75 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,960 Ahhhh. Nature red in tooth and claw. 76 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:17,120 Hey! Maybe we could go camping on the way BACK from the zoo. 77 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,560 I really want to teach my kids how to gut a reindeer with a piece of bark. 78 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,440 I can't. I've got to be back by seven. Why? 79 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,040 I'm going on a date with this guy. 80 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,200 Date?! We haven't discussed this. 81 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,160 Why are you going on a date with a guy? 82 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,640 Who is this "guy"? 83 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:39,360 I don't know. It's a blind date. A blind date? Oh. 84 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,080 Very risky. 85 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,400 Where did he find you? 86 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,160 The internet? He's not a weirdo. He's going to take me... 87 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,720 No, no. Don't tell me. 88 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,240 I'll watch the reconstruction on Crimewatch. Oh, Alfie! 89 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,120 He's a normal guy. Yeah, sure. 90 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,360 Normal guy. Bit of a loner. 91 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,400 Obsessed with sex. Oh, let me guess. 92 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,680 Probably still lives with his parents. 93 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:04,200 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Don't turn this round on me. 94 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,640 Anyway, how old's Fred West? 95 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,800 My date? 23. 96 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,800 23?! But I'm 23! 97 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,320 Yeah, but he's an old 23. 98 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,400 It's like this many sleeps till I'm 24. 99 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,520 Yeah, but he's a teacher. I'm a teacher! 100 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,400 He teaches mentally challenged children. 101 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,520 Have you seen my class?! 102 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,360 Ow! 103 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,080 Ow! Ow! Stop! 104 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:29,600 Ow! 105 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,320 Look, if you're going to be like this all journey, 106 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:36,480 I'm going to sit next to Mollinson. Really? What, and let her show you her holiday photos? 107 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,440 Yeah, fine by me. 108 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,680 There's my husband with his snorkel. 109 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,760 And there he is laying out the tarpaulin. 110 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,760 Have you ever been to Germany? 111 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,400 I just don't understand why Fraser didn't let me organise my own trip. 112 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,280 Er, maybe because of your science trip? 113 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,440 Right. That was Mitchell's fault. He said it was like Spiderman. 114 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,400 Look, all I'm saying is that I think I should have taken everyone 115 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,600 on like a proper Bear Grylls expedition. 116 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,880 Teach them how to survive in the wild. Why would they need that? 117 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,960 What if The Hunger Games came true? 118 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,840 SHE GIGGLES 119 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,720 We'll see who's laughing when Jing's killing one of your kids with a bow and arrow. 120 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,440 Welcome to Shrub Wood Farm. 121 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,640 Now, unfortunately, we have worms. 122 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:59,560 I spent all morning fishing this out of a weasel. 123 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,760 It's an epidemic. 124 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:09,720 Everything's got them. So remember, it's a look but don't touch policy. 125 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:15,120 Er, but a private dance can be arranged later. 126 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,560 I'm joking. 127 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,040 We had to stop doing that. 128 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,440 So, cubs and, er, girls, 129 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:30,840 have you got any questions about animals? 130 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,160 Sir, I really need to talk to you. Not now, Chantelle. The boring man is talking. 131 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,840 Any questions at all? 132 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,240 Why do cows have so many tits? 133 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,960 Well... 134 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,200 the cows have udders. 135 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,960 How come you can call dogs bitches, 136 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,120 but not bitches bitches? Rem Dogg, behave. 137 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:53,560 Would you rather be a boy with a dog's head or a dog with a boy's head? 138 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,600 Well, obviously a boy with... 139 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,880 Oi, worms! Is... Is... Is he talking to me? 140 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,040 My mate Rasheed, yeah, said he found a beak in one of his McNuggets. 141 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,160 See, I thought the chicken lays the nugget. 142 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,800 Does it not lay the nugget then? 143 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,720 When the female chicken is impregnated by the male... 144 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,960 Old MacDonald, does the male chicken lie to the female chicken 145 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:20,440 just to get into her pants and then break her heart with a text? 146 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:25,720 Guys, please. Can we show a little bit of respect to the farmer man? 147 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,600 Ask some serious questions. 148 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,720 Do all meerkats come from Russia? 149 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,280 This is so depressing. 150 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,640 I know. It's like they're on a spectrum 151 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,840 that's actually beyond the spectrum. No, the animals! 152 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,720 I can't bear to see them distressed. 153 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:59,000 Look! Malnourished, all caged up. 154 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,160 I just hope they're not upsetting the kids. 155 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,880 Oi, sir. Look at its dick. It's got shit on it! 156 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,200 I think they're coping. 157 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,080 It's got shit on its dick! 158 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,160 HE LAUGHS 159 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,880 Now, kids, prepare to be amazed 160 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:16,880 by Swinonus rhinonium 161 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,880 or the rhino... 162 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,360 ..pig! 163 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,880 THEY LAUGH 164 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,760 Wow. Your wife got a name? 165 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,640 That is disgusting. 166 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,520 I've a good mind to rip off the bars to that cage 167 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,160 and set that animal free. 168 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,960 I've made a terrible mistake bringing us all here. 169 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,960 (RAPS) Leaving you... 170 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,240 Where's my bitches at? 171 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,840 Show me them titties. 172 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,880 What d'ya say? 173 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,200 Yeah! 174 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,800 Who here thought ink was boring? 175 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,400 OK. 176 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:09,040 Who here takes a newspaper? 177 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,280 Who's read a book? 178 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,400 So, what's your date doing with you tonight... 179 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,520 apart from turning you into a dress? 180 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,360 Why are you so obsessed with it? 181 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,280 I'm not obsessed. 182 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:31,520 Can anyone tell me where ink comes from? 183 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,840 A pen. No. 184 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,080 Well, it does come from a pen, don't it? Yes, but... 185 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,680 originally? 186 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:40,760 Ryman's. 187 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,880 Oh, my God. He's talking to them like they're seven. 188 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,080 This is so inappropriate. 189 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,000 Who wishes to play God? 190 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:56,840 Anyone? 191 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:10,600 What would you do, pig, if you loved someone that didn't love you? 192 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,440 Alfie, are you talking to the rhino pig? No! 193 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,520 I'm just...drinking some Malibu. 194 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,440 I'm depressed, all right? Get off my back. Why are you depressed? 195 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,480 HE SIGHS 196 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,600 Miss Gulliver's going on a date with a guy. 197 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,920 Why can't she see how much I like her? 198 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,920 Maybe you should let her know. 199 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,600 What, by, like, making a grand gesture? 200 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,040 Or just tell her. 201 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,080 Yeah, you're right. 202 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,120 I need to let her know how much I care 203 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,680 by doing something massive, really bold. 204 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:49,360 Or just tell her. I've got it. Just tell her. The pig! 205 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,440 Rosie wants this creature to be happy, 206 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,960 just like I want her to be happy. 207 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,880 Alfie, how much Malibu have you drunk? It needs to run free. Alfie, don't touch it! 208 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,440 It's got worms. Alfie! Alfie! Run, piggy! 209 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,920 Go, piggy. Go. 210 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,080 Run! 211 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,920 Miss Gulliver's going to be pretty impressed. 212 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,040 Yeah(!) 213 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,280 She's not, is she? 214 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,320 Nah. 215 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,360 Yo! 216 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:33,320 Um, so, I was thinking maybe we should think about leaving. 217 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,760 What have you done? 218 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,560 Nothing. 219 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:40,880 I just don't want you to be late for your date. 220 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,440 What are you wearing tonight? 221 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:47,760 Why? 222 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:48,920 Oh, nothing. 223 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,280 It's just I was talking to Inky earlier 224 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,800 and he says that in his gift shop he sells real fur coats. 225 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,680 I was thinking maybe you could buy one, 226 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,240 team it up with a little otter scarf. 227 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,120 Right. Everyone back on the bus! 228 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,640 Quickly. Wake him up. Take him out. Off you go. On the bus. Come on. 229 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,560 We've got two routes back. 230 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,240 Motorway at rush hour. Or? 231 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,520 Scenic route. 232 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,840 Plenty of lay-bys to dip into round Tring. 233 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,720 Why don't you just use your sat nav to find the quickest route back? 234 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,680 Never used one, never will. 235 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:34,920 Why? 236 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,760 Won't be told what to do by a woman. 237 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,680 We're lost. 238 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:55,000 Bieber, take the wheel. I'm not sure I can trust this fart. 239 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,440 I can't! I've been drinking. 240 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,720 So have I. 241 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,200 Watch out! 242 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,560 SQUEALING 243 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,800 Jesus! Was it... Was that a person? 244 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,120 Paul's fault! I need to dust the prints off this wheel. I'm going to check. 245 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,600 Is everyone OK? 246 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,320 If anybody asks, the pig hit US. 247 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,720 How do you think it escaped? 248 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,000 Oh, God. Do you think someone let it out? Um... 249 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,200 Maybe it let itself out. 250 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,880 Does anyone know anything about this? 251 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:41,400 I won't be annoyed if you're honest with me. They always say that. 252 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,640 Did you know about this? What? 253 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,320 Fine. 254 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,800 I freed the pig, miss, because it looked sad. Well, 255 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,440 that's stupid, but I admire the gesture. 256 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,200 You stole my gesture! Where's my bra, eh? 257 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,200 You've got it, haven't you? You took it off in the pool, didn't you? 258 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,040 Oh, God. He's concussed. Sit him down. 259 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,880 Give him some oxygen. 260 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:19,280 Oh, God. You're going to have to call the AA. I haven't got any reception. 261 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,040 Neither have I. 262 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,760 Well, we can't go back to that farm. 263 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:28,280 I know! I could trek cross country, 264 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,640 find the nearest town, get help. 265 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,200 Oh, OK. But... 266 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,360 Well, come straight back, yeah? Yeah. Sure. 267 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:37,400 Right. 268 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,960 I'm going to need to gather up a team. 269 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,320 Not you. 270 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,840 Lilt goes flat so quickly. 271 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,880 Oh, I love being outside, me. 272 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,360 Reminds me of being in the scouts. 273 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:01,440 Our scoutmaster, Mr Rogers, he was my hero. Aw, why? What was he like? 274 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,040 So brave. This one time, right, he fought off a bear. 275 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,360 A bear? In England?! No. 276 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:08,920 In Wales. 277 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,680 We'd all gone skinny dipping and we came back to the campsite 278 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,560 and Mr Rogers had fought off this bear 279 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,480 that had broken into our tents and eaten all of our clothes. 280 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,720 Did you ever see this bear? 281 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,720 No, but it must have been a very picky bear 282 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,480 cos it didn't touch anything else. 283 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,080 Not even the food. 284 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,440 Sir, wasn't there a sign on the road that said Tring was that way? 285 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,200 Signs. We don't need signs. We're in the wild. 286 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,280 This is the only sign I need... 287 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,360 ..wind sign. 288 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,080 Yup, that's north. We get through these woods, 289 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,120 we'll hit Tring. 290 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,280 Lunch? 291 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,400 Bear says you never know when you're going to be able to eat next. 292 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,920 Did you kill this?! Yep. Used my trowel. It looks like 293 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,560 it's been dead for weeks. Anyone want a forest berry? 294 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,400 Don't! No, that's a yew berry. 295 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,400 It's the most poisonous berry in Britain. 296 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,000 Uh-huh! They're cranberries. I know that cos they're red. 297 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:10,080 Yeah, well, I'm a biology teacher, so just trust me. Anyone? 298 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,560 Jing? Come on. You guys eat anything. 299 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,240 Like those poo-ey hundred-year-old eggs. Urgh. 300 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,720 IN CHINESE: 301 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,000 Yeah, I'm sure they are delicious, but so are these berries. 302 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,400 Alfie, we've actually... Anyone? No? Fine. 303 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,080 More for me. 304 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,760 Mmmmm. Yum, yum, yum. 305 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,200 HE GROANS 306 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,400 Fizzy berry. 307 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,760 Oh, screw this. I'm eating my rolls. 308 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,400 What?! 309 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,480 Packed lunch, bellend. 310 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:42,760 You... 311 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,960 I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen. Have some of mine. 312 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:51,760 No. Fine. No. You eat your sandwiches with all their E numbers. 313 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,360 I am feasting off Mother Nature. 314 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,280 Ooh! A mushroom! 315 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,840 Right. OK. 316 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,120 How do you gut this? 317 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,640 Come on, guys. 318 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,000 We need to keep moving. 319 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,520 Alfie? 320 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,320 We're being followed. 321 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,680 Are you OK? His eyes look funny. 322 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,880 He looks like my brother after he came back from Ibiza! 323 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:32,160 Alfie, do you know where we are? 324 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:37,440 Will somebody please tell that frog 325 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,840 I do not want to smoke his pipe. 326 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,880 People! 327 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,240 A bush. 328 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,600 Everyone wave. Get their attention. I know. I'll chuck a rock at them. 329 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,680 No, don't! Don't. We need their help. 330 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,000 Hello! Come on, guys. Help me. 331 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,600 ALL: Hello! 332 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,000 Help us! 333 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,480 Help us. 334 00:18:58,480 --> 00:18:59,840 Over here! 335 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,080 Where's Alfie? 336 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,800 Shitty harness. 337 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,320 Nobody drink from the stream. 338 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,240 They were really bad berries. 339 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,680 Look at that! Look at that! Bloody disgusting. 340 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,720 Disgusting. Bloody kids! 341 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,120 Oi! Oi! 342 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,080 Sir shitted in the river. 343 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,640 HE LAUGHS 344 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:30,120 That was so sick. Why do YOU have to ruin everything? Rosie... 345 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:31,640 No. No. I organised this day, 346 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,360 but you decide it's rubbish, so you make it rubbish. 347 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:38,000 You hated the farm too. I told you not to eat those berries and what did you do? 348 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,360 OK. I admit that. You're stupid. 349 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,080 You're immature. You only ever think about yourself. 350 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,920 I think about you all the time. 351 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,560 That's why I let the piggy free. 352 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,200 You let the pig free? 353 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,680 You said you admired the gesture. 354 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,560 Yeah, I admire it being made by a child. 355 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,280 But it's free-ee-ee. I can't believe you think I'd ever be interested in you. 356 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,320 You're such a pathetic, selfish, little boy. 357 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,560 I think I might need a dock leaf. 358 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,760 That bog roll was a little nettle-y. 359 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,800 Go away. 360 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,560 I want to be on my own for a bit. What's that, sir? 361 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,200 I've dug myself a bucket. 362 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,400 I'm sorry for being agro. It's cos my man... 363 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,160 Finlay. He left her. He's my first long-term relationship. 364 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,200 And by long-term...? 365 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,680 He took me to Strada, like, twice. OK. 366 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,640 He said he loved me just so he could sleep with me. 367 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,200 What happened? He slept with me. 368 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,240 No, I meant after that. 369 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,640 Oh. He told me I wasn't mature enough. But I am mature. 370 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:55,960 I like Adele 371 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,680 and I've not been in Claire's Accessories for, like, two years. 372 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:03,320 Sir, why don't you come sit with us? 373 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,680 I don't think Miss Gulliver wants to talk to me much. 374 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,600 But we do. 375 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,400 OK. 376 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:15,440 I guess. 377 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,440 Hey, guys. 378 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:27,560 Sorry about the...stream and stuff. 379 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:37,560 Look. Don't worry. I'll make a fire. I got all the badges in scouts. 380 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,440 Fire-making, knot-tying, 381 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:40,560 secret-keeping. 382 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,520 There isn't a badge for keeping secrets. 383 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,160 Er, shows how much you know. 384 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,640 Mr Rogers said it was the most important badge a scout could get. 385 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,320 Look, if we're going to get this fire lit, we're going to need to work as a team. 386 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,640 Chantelle, Joe. You go looking for kindling. 387 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,240 Mitchell, Stephen. We're going to need flints. Ideally quartz. 388 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:01,160 Anything that's going to be able to create a spark... 389 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,680 You ALL smoke? 390 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,920 Jesus. 391 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,200 I'm a terrible role model. 392 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,760 RAPS: They call me teach Because I do. 393 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,160 I'll bring you times tables Three times two. 394 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,600 You'll think you're bad ass But I tell you UCAS would disagree. 395 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,880 No university going to give you A degree so don't try for LSE 396 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,200 Cos you'll need A dual science award at GCSE. 397 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,560 And the only way You wouldn't need that 398 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,480 Is if your school had been on International Baccalaureate. 399 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,840 So go figure, pull the trigger 400 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,080 Shit's getting bigger, my... 401 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,120 Man. 402 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,320 Brap. 403 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,480 Ah, finally. Look, cars! 404 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,240 Right. I'll go ask them for help. 405 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:56,520 GRUNTING AND MOANING 406 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,920 Hello! Um... 407 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,720 GIGGLING Could you give me a hand? 408 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,640 Oh, God. Jesus. 409 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,960 He's a wriggler, Geoff. 410 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,680 Get off. IT'S All RIGHT. They're friendly. 411 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,080 Could you just let go? Sorry. I think it might alarm the children. 412 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,320 You brought your kids?! Oh, leave him, Geoff. He's probably Cornish. 413 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,720 I'm terribly sorry. I think there might have been 414 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,720 a little bit of a misunderstanding here. 415 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,640 PANTING I'm not actually a dogger per se. 416 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,800 We've got ourselves a puppy, Pam. 417 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,520 We don't bite. Unless you ask. 418 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:30,240 SHE GIGGLES Look I'm a teacher at Abbey Grove School. 419 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:35,880 Oh! Do you know Olive Mollinson? Yes. And of course you do too. 420 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,120 Um, we've had a bit of a traffic accident. 421 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:42,800 Olive's currently stuck on a coach with a load of children 422 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:47,520 and we'd really appreciate your help getting back. 423 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,920 Oh, sorry, love. Of course we'll help. Would you give us ten minutes? 424 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,200 Oh, yes. Terribly sorry. 425 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,160 Of course. You can stay if you want. You can stay. 426 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,920 I... I think I'll pass. Suit yourself. 427 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,880 GRUNTING CONTINUES 428 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,160 How many of you are there?! Four. Four. 429 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,720 Five. Didn't see you down there, Robin. Sorry about that, mate. 430 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:26,720 Everything OK? Yup. What the hell are they doing, sir? Are they...? 431 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,760 They're probably... Bird watching! Yeah. Yup. They're bird watching. 432 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,480 They're going to drive us home in ten minutes. They're just, er... 433 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:37,040 finishing off a Robin. 434 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,400 At night? Yeah. 435 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,360 CHEERING 436 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,680 Where...?! 437 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,240 So, we made it. 438 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,720 Alfie, I... 439 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,400 I just want to... No. 440 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,560 Before you say anything, 441 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,200 you're right, I am an idiot. 442 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,480 No, I over-reacted. 443 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,120 Look, I do a lot of... 444 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,640 stupid things, 445 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,960 but I don't do it 446 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,240 because I'm trying to be selfish. 447 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,880 I do it because I care about you... 448 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,880 ..even if you don't like me. 449 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:40,920 I do like you. 450 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,880 You mean a lot to me 451 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:47,000 and I'm sorry... 452 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,080 Sorry for me. 453 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,440 Oh, come here. 454 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:57,040 Ohhh. You've got such a good heart. 455 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,840 HE WRETCHES 456 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,160 Have you just been sick on my back? 457 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,800 Berries. 458 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,960 WHISTLES 459 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,200 Do you want me to scoop it up with my trowel? Yeah. 460 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,080 Look, sir. A long rubber branch. 461 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,840 Is this for the birds to perch on? 462 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,280 Do branches have veins?! 463 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,360 Joe, put that down. 464 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,720 So, we got back in time after all. Yeah. 465 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,400 I have to admit, you did sort of save the day in the end. 466 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,000 Don't worry it was nothing. 467 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,720 You, er, looking for a lift home? 468 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,560 There's two routes. The B roads round Wendover 469 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,280 or we can get the M25... 470 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,200 Sshhh. You had me at Wendover. 471 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,240 Not yet, luv. Not yet. 472 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,720 Your carriage awaits. 473 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,280 Where's he taking you? 474 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,720 Strada. 475 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,240 Hi, you must be Finlay. 476 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,800 Rosie, it's so nice to meet... Finlay? 477 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,640 Finlay?! You bastard! 478 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,360 He's not worth it, babes. 479 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,520 Oh, God. 480 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,800 Where's Fraser? 481 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,240 RAP MUSIC PLAYS 482 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,280 Hi. Um, have you seen seven children? 483 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:01,640 All English scholars about yea high. Smell of Wotsits. 484 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,000 RAPS: Bizzle is back That's a warning 485 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,680 Third album, back touring 486 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,600 More sucker for the street Applaud it 487 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,280 Only me that can do it like that 488 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,200 I could never be a wasteman That's not the team though 489 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,160 Violate her Throw your arse out the window 490 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,080 I could never be snitch though 491 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,560 Better know I ain't Letting off the info 492 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:18,960 Forget the interrogation 493 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,920 I'm old school like ippy dippy dation 494 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,680 My operation Lethal D Bizzle Records 495 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,960 I'm on top, see Me, I'm on another level 496 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,000 Now I'm back in the door 497 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:27,280 More cash, more stacks... # 498 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,400 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd