1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,360 Yo, what's going down my... n-word? 2 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,760 Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it. What the Harry Hill? Are you...? 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,800 Conducting a seance? Yes. It's interactive learning. Hold yer Ouija boards, 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,800 because today is the biggest day in the school sporting calendar! 5 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,240 It's the big footie match against Middleton House. 6 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,400 Really? Here? 7 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:27,920 Yes, but you can understand that they're a little sensitive after last year - 8 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:31,280 16 of their state-of-the-art Mac Book Pros went missing. 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,320 17, actually. 10 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,800 I've just heard that the PE teacher's going to be unavailable for the game. 11 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:42,280 Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll either be back by two or in two to five years. 12 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,480 Something to do with DNA evidence. 13 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,440 And I fit into this how? I need someone to manage the team. 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:52,200 A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more. 15 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,440 Not this again. Why does everyone think I was bullied at Middleton? 16 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,040 Your girly run. The way you throw. 17 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,240 Your Facebook wall. I wasn't bullied, all right? 18 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,920 Come on, Alf. It's in the bag. 19 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:05,960 We're unbeatable this season. We're like the Invincible Arse-gunners. 20 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,400 You know nothing about football, do you? No. 21 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:13,360 Do you know anything about sport? I like the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say? 22 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,760 I guess I could. Right, pack this up. 23 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,600 But Sir, you promised we could talk to Hitler. 24 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,040 Well, it's not like he's going anywhere. 25 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,600 Yo! What's up team? 26 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:59,280 This sesh is all about you getting to know your new gaffer. 27 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,480 Yeah. The boss man. 28 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,840 The special one. 29 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,080 Il Classico. 30 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,760 Why are you calling us team? 31 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,600 Cos you're my guys, right, and I thought this match, 32 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,480 perfect opportunity for you to get involved in the big game. 33 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,520 Hang on, what happened to the actual football team? 34 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,000 Nothing. 35 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:28,440 So the last man has to be behind, and in front, erm, 36 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:33,560 if it's two of them it goes to deadlock and then it's done on public vote. 37 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,000 Yep. That, that's the offside rule in a nutshell. 38 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:42,480 I can't believe you were ostracised by the entire first team. 39 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:46,040 Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe and I use long words." 40 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,000 Hang about, ain't there a second team? 41 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,960 Yeah. 42 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,240 So this will be our celebration, right? 43 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,120 I call it the piri-piri jig. 44 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,600 Bwarch! Guys! bawrch! 45 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:04,000 Look, sometimes it's good to have a little re-jig of the team. 46 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,240 I mean, look at... 47 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,720 The Sugababes. 48 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,960 You know jack shit about football. 49 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,720 Well, Mitchell, if you came to my bedroom there is a certain 50 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,960 Goonersaurus duvet that would beg to differ. 51 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,480 Did you just invite me to your bedroom? 52 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,720 I'll play. Great. You play? 53 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,440 She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's big names. And a couple of two-on-ones. 54 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,880 Who? A lady never breaks a super-injunction. 55 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,040 OK. Jing, you in? 56 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,280 Bring the team some of that unflappable Far Eastern work ethic. 57 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,120 It's not a national sport but there's that fella that plays for United. 58 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,000 Yeah, that's his name, so...? Not in a million years. 59 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,000 Come on. One of you must want to play? 60 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,440 I'm pretty good at football. 61 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,880 Yeah, he is. He's just like Ashley Cole. 62 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,920 That's very sweet but don't be silly. 63 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,960 But we all know the only reason you want us to play this stupid game 64 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,240 is to get back at your old school for bullying ya. 65 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,760 Why does everyone assume that I would be a victim of bullies? 66 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,840 Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson. 67 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,680 What's my position? You... you want to play? 68 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:15,680 I'll play for this team all right, Downton, but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs. 69 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,800 This doesn't mean we're mates, and I still think you're a piece. 70 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,280 Great, um, but, I thought you weren't allowed to play. 71 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920 Yeah, well I'm back now, innit. Finished serving my ban. 72 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,040 Why were you banned? 73 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,280 Off the ball incident. 74 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,040 What was it? Two footed tackle? 75 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,080 Arson. Right. Good. 76 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:39,600 See, that is exactly the kind of passion that I'm looking for. 77 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,360 I think I've found myself a skipper. 78 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:47,800 So, who else wants to join the revolution with me 79 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,560 and my buddy Frank? 80 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,160 You call me that again and I'll firebomb your shed. 81 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:58,760 Me and my colleague here, Mr Grayson. 82 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,760 We're going to get dicked on. 83 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,720 No-one? 84 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,400 Please, I'm desperate. 85 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,240 What have I got to do to convince you to play? 86 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,920 PHONE RINGS 87 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,880 ALFIE VOICEMAIL GREETING: "Hi, you're through to Alfie Wickers. 88 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,800 "Sorry I can't take your call right now 89 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,080 "but I'm busy cracking one out to Loose Women. 90 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:30,040 "No, not Vorderman or McLean. 91 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,200 "I am... 92 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,840 "stiffin' for McGiffin. 93 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,840 "Please leave a message after the tone." 94 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,560 All right then, deal. 95 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,760 OK right, time to hit the pitch. I want to see what you've got in your lockers. 96 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,440 A flare gun and some porn. Not yours. 97 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,040 KNOCK AT DOOR 98 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,280 Erm, you wanted to see me? Ah yes, Ms Gulliver. 99 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,680 Rosie. Do come in. 100 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,200 So, what's this about? 101 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,000 Ah, you know, just a natter really just to, you know, 102 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,360 how long's it been since we had a good girly catch up? 103 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,320 Erm... 104 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:22,520 for ever. 105 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,200 Yeah, yeah it does, it feels that way, doesn't it? 106 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:34,640 Yeah. So erm, how is your current sexual slash romantic partner? 107 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,200 Erm... 108 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,680 What am I like, eh, with the gossip? 109 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,120 No, now listen, I've been thinking about this for a while and I think 110 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,160 it's time that I do something that may shake you to the core. 111 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,760 But erm, how attractive do you think I am? 112 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,920 Look, I think you might have misread some signals. 113 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,640 No, it's just that you see, I heard that Middleton House 114 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:04,360 are looking for a new deputy head and I would really love that transfer. 115 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,960 Oh. 116 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,440 Erm, you look... 117 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,520 Handsome. 118 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,560 Oh, really?! 119 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,360 You're not just saying that. You know...? This... 120 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,360 it's not too much? 121 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,520 No, it's very... 122 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,720 subtle. 123 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,040 Right. 124 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:35,000 Gosh you know, we should, we should do this more often. Yep. 125 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,600 Menstruating much at the moment? 126 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,800 Please can I leave? 127 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,120 So how's the old footie thing going? Oh, not great actually. 128 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,440 I think you should just call them up and tell them... 129 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,400 Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson. 130 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,360 The pundit from MOTo'D? 131 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,400 We are not going to play them at football. 132 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,960 Phh, that's a relief because we are shit... 133 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,560 We are going to beat them psychologically. 134 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,480 We may not have the resources of St Poshington's, 135 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:11,240 but let's see how they like it when they come to face to face with our ghetto hell. 136 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,560 Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now. 137 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,000 GLASS SMASHES 138 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,440 Welcome to thug life. 139 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,560 # Yeah, yeah let's get down with the trumpets... # 140 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,880 So this match must be quite a big deal for you. 141 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,720 Chance to pay back those bullies. 142 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,280 I was quite popular at Middleton. 143 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:34,000 Oh? They used to call me Scratchie. It was kind of like my DJ name. 144 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,400 I used to spin the tunes at the raves. 145 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,800 Raves? At Middleton House? 146 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,880 Well, the Hunt Ball. 147 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,160 Out of my way Wickers, thank you. 148 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,120 Any idea why Pickwell's come dressed as a trannie today? 149 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,560 She's job hunting. She's probably overdone it with her make-up, 150 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,440 and her suit. 151 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,760 And her dick. 152 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,520 Oh look, here they come. 153 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,000 What?! Look at the state of it! 154 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,480 Swanning in like they own the place. 155 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:08,040 Although technically I think their trust does actually own the land. 156 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,640 What a Wickers! 157 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,400 Glad to see that one's er, stood the test of time. 158 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:30,600 Terribly sorry old chap, would you mind awfully throwing us that ball back? 159 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,400 Go on, old chap. 160 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,640 You don't think he was talking to you? 161 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,360 Why would he have been? All right! 162 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,640 OK, lazy. 163 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,560 What a Wickers! 164 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:54,920 Well, well, well, well, well. If it isn't Alfie Wickers. 165 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,520 You spineless little tag-nut. Sir. 166 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,200 The vilest dingle-berry it was ever my misfortune to pluck. 167 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,560 Remind me, what was it we used to call you? "Scratchie" wasn't it? Because... 168 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,200 Stress-induced Eczema. 169 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:13,000 He used to sit in class scratching himself like a junkie. 170 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,960 I can't wait to stick it to your bunch of benefit scrounging 171 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,480 gutter monkeys. 172 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,320 Now, who's the limp-dick in command here anyway? 173 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,880 I am. Who is? Scratchie is. Scratchie is what? 174 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:30,560 Scratchie is the limp dick in charge of the benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir. 175 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:37,880 What's that man's problem? 176 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:43,320 Basically, something happened between me and him 177 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:48,160 when I was in second year, but I'd rather not talk about it. 178 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:52,080 Why not? Because it's embarrassing. 179 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,000 Because I'm a man. 180 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,320 Y'know I'd rather just keep it a secret. 181 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,880 Oh my God! 182 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,280 Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry. 183 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,680 That's so brave of you. 184 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,640 Well, it's really no biggie. Y'know, shit happens. 185 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,920 Was there no-one you could talk to about it? 186 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,280 Well, you know, I guess if I had really wanted to, 187 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,040 I could have gone to confession but... 188 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,560 Confession? Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic. 189 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,080 Yeah, course it was. 190 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,920 Oh, Alfie. Poor thing. 191 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,920 Poor little thing. 192 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:39,480 Remember, whatever we wear, wherever we go, 193 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,800 yes means yes and no means no. 194 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,720 Cup of rosie lea, my old lover. Darjeeling. Two sugars. 195 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,160 I'm Head of Maths. 196 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,640 Good. Then you won't cock up the sugars, will you? 197 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,200 Everything OK? 198 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:59,840 It will be once Hopalong Haversham takes it up a gear with my tea. 199 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,600 You must be Mr Humpage. 200 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,720 Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head here, but you can call me Isobel. 201 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:11,040 Isobel? What was it before Isambard? Did you pick it yourself? 202 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,720 No, my parents chose it. 203 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,720 You're parents are supporting this? Are they liberals, are they? 204 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,200 May I take you on a small guided tour of... 205 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:26,400 Yes! What don't you show me round this spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad. 206 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:33,400 I would be honoured. So um, tell me exactly what position do you hold at Middleton House. 207 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,360 High tutor of Sports and Grand Master of Dragon House. 208 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,680 Oh wow, that's very impressive. 209 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,520 Well, it's one below Supreme High Wizard. 210 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,160 Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan. 211 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,600 Yes, we also wear the hoods. Nothing else but... 212 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,720 # Dressed, dressed 213 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,200 # Ya, listen, dress for the occasion 214 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,520 # And surrounded by a table full of patron 215 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,640 # Not enough to go round... # 216 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,360 Looks like those public school kids be bare bricking it, d'you get me. 217 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:03,920 Really? 218 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,640 # There's a name for people like me 219 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,640 # There's a name for people like me 220 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,160 # You can stereotype There's a name for people like me 221 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:21,040 # There's a name for people like me You can stereotype 222 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:26,440 # Yeah, people like me, there's a name for people like me... # 223 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:30,480 Unbelievable. 224 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,200 Here we have the jewel in our crown, our computer block. Ta dah! 225 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,400 Ooh, impressive! 226 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:43,360 Reminds me of the set up we used to have before the damn things went missing last year. 227 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,360 No doubt pilfered by some oik to help fund scratch cards 228 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,960 and popcorn chicken. 229 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:54,520 Oh, never mind. We soon replaced them - raffled off one of our Rembrandts. 230 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,840 Well, it must be very rewarding working at somewhere like Middleton House. 231 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:02,080 You know what I like about you "Isobel"? 232 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,080 You're a straight shooter. 233 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,880 You wear your dick on your sleeve. No, it's just, it's just.. 234 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,720 No, we could use a chap like you at our place, 235 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,520 especially since Watkins succumbed to the er, old teachers' curse. 236 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,040 Oh, depression? Gout. 237 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,680 There's only so much fois gras a gentleman can take. 238 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,920 I'd be happy to put you forward for the job. 239 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,720 How's that tickle your knackers? 240 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,360 Oh, they are tickled. 241 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,000 You must know something. 242 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,880 Talk to me, Kammy. 243 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,120 'At which point Alan McInally let out a massive fart. 244 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,320 'Me and Charlie Nicholas were in fits. 245 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:49,720 'But Stelling, he never broke stride. What a professional!' 246 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,560 Unbelievable, Jeff. 247 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,760 Look, guys, it doesn't matter who they are, 248 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,000 or how much better they are than you. 249 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,200 When you get out there, 250 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,200 it's ten against ten, 251 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,960 and anything can happen. 252 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,440 You mean eleven. 253 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,560 Yeah, eleven. 254 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,760 It's eleven. 255 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,520 You can do it! 256 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,040 "You can do it!" 257 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,160 Owww. 258 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,160 You... 259 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,960 twat! 260 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,040 You pig. 261 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,560 We need to do a goal, guys. 262 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,400 # Say eat my goal Eat my goal 263 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,000 # Looking for a saviour to save ya From a lack of knowledge 264 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,440 # This little fella won't get you through college 265 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,520 # No, no ask me about summer so Let everybody in the house say... 266 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,320 Cowardly. 267 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,160 Do a header! 268 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,520 # To play sport and to forget to call their mums on the telephone 269 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,440 # Use some bass, lower the tone 270 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,040 # Lower the tone Don't ask me cos me not know! 271 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,400 # Say Ho ho # Say Ho wo Ho wo 272 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,760 # Eat my goal... # Do a goal! 273 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,800 MAKES FLAT NOTE 274 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,360 This is rubbish. 275 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:04,080 GENERAL CHATTER 276 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,080 What? What? I don't know. 277 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:26,960 It's just that it looked like you were going to say something... 278 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,520 I don't know, something deep. 279 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,480 To get us motivated for the second half. 280 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:34,800 There's a second half. 281 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,840 Oh my days. 282 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,760 I knew that. 283 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,280 Alfie, a word? 284 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,160 Look, this is ridiculous. 285 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,920 We're playing like, the school equivalent of Man United, 286 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,760 and one of my team is in a wheelchair. 287 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,200 He's not even the worst. 288 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,640 He's the only person in the first half to have won a header. 289 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,120 Look, Alfie. 290 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,080 It's understandable. 291 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,520 Seeing the man again can trigger suppressed emotions. 292 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,240 Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it. 293 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,800 It was so long ago. I was like fifteen. 294 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,480 Jesus. Look, Alfie, 295 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:17,040 I know you're traumatised but remember what I said, 296 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,080 it's not your fault. 297 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,480 Well, it kind of was. 298 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,800 No, Alfie. It's not. You're the victim. 299 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,800 Say it, "it's not my fault". 300 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,440 It's not my fault Doesn't that feel better? 301 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,920 Not really. Look I've been thinking, can't I just throw in the towel? 302 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,040 No. This is more than the match now. 303 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:41,240 If you win this, you're not winning for you but all the people 304 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,360 who've had their voices taken away by beasts like Humpage. 305 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,080 Don't let him win. 306 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,160 Yeah. 307 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,480 Yeah, I guess you're right. 308 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,720 This game does mean a lot. 309 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,440 You can do it! I can. 310 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,040 Come on! I can do it, come on! 311 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,760 OK, people. 312 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:10,920 Do you want to know what Middleton House are saying about us right now? 313 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,680 Arseholes! > 314 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:19,600 They're also saying that we are just going to bend over and take it. 315 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,160 So they got my group text? 316 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,880 You know, I heard some of them saying 317 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,040 about one of you in particular, 318 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,520 who will remain nameless, 319 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,720 was so ugly, 320 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,960 pathetic and physically deformed, 321 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,080 that they should get a Pride of Britain award 322 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,880 just for not killing themselves. 323 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,080 Now are we really going to take that? 324 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,320 Or are we, for Joe's sake, 325 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,680 going to say no? 326 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:59,400 Let's show them. Quitting is out of the question. 327 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,120 When it gets tough, 328 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,440 we gotta fight some more. 329 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,120 We've gotta fight. 330 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,400 Fight! Fight! Fight! 331 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,080 Fight for this love! Yeah! 332 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,280 Ready your breakfasts, and eat hearty, 333 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,680 for tonight we dine in hell. 334 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,160 Let's get out there. 335 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,880 THIS IS SPARTA! 336 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,640 Yeah! Go on! 337 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,000 Rem Dogg's injured. 338 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,600 Puncture. 339 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,640 Can I play second half, Sir? 340 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,680 All right Stephen. You're up! 341 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,440 This is the ball. OK? 342 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,520 Mitchell will pass you the ball 343 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,840 and then you kick it straight to Grayson. 344 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,720 Understand? 345 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,520 Goal! 346 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,720 Sprinkler. 347 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,600 Do the Sprinkler! 348 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,920 Come on, you tripstoppers! 349 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,360 Come on, Middleton. 350 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,760 Get in! 351 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,080 What's the matter with you? You hoo! 352 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,200 What's the matter with you...? 353 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,000 The bloke in the wheelchair's faster than you lot! 354 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,400 # Get yer tits out, get yer tits out...! 355 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,760 Not now. 356 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,600 More goals.. Yes! Inflation! 357 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:55,360 OK, you want to play? You want to party? 358 00:22:55,360 --> 00:23:00,280 Right, let's heat this party up, huh. 359 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,360 Oh ho yeah, Humpage. 360 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:07,600 I like to party, and I've been to far hotter parties than this. 361 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:12,600 In fact, I like to party in a sauna. 362 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:17,480 Yeah. And I've partied with far bigger men than you. 363 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,880 I can go all night long. 364 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,120 OK. Come on Middleton. 365 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,400 WHISTLE BLOWS 366 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,280 Come on, Abbey Grove. 367 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,280 Careful, Alfie. 368 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,920 Do him, Sir. 369 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,360 You stupid little quitting quitting quitter. 370 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:52,000 QU-IT-TER spells quitter! 371 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,120 Quit, quit, quit... 372 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,280 Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers. 373 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:03,960 Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker. Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit. 374 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,200 You're only good for quitting. Quitter! You quitter! 375 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,760 AMBULANCE SIREN 376 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,600 Wickers, what have you done? 377 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:27,200 If you have harmed a hair on his beautiful body. 378 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:31,040 Wickers. Wickers, I know I've been harsh, boy, 379 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,200 but I only ever wanted the best for you. 380 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,480 You've finally got what you deserved, you pig! 381 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,400 Steady on. 382 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,960 You should be ashamed of yourself for what you put him through! 383 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,400 What I put him through? It was his fault. 384 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:48,600 How dare you say that. Of course it's not his fault. He's the victim. 385 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,520 Why do you keep calling me the victim? 386 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,840 Because you are, Alfie. Don't you see? Oh God. 387 00:24:53,840 --> 00:25:00,120 Enough is enough. You've got to accept it. You are the victim of a rapist. 388 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,560 What? Yes. That's right, you heard me. You are a rapist. 389 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,080 You raped poor Alfie. 390 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,400 What are you talking about?! No, I didn't. 391 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:13,000 Erm, Mr Humpage definitely didn't rape me. 392 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:20,840 Where did you get that idea? Alfie, you said something went on in the second year. 393 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,160 Yeah. I quit his sports team. 394 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,880 And you were the most promising student I ever coached. 395 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,640 You could have gone pro. 396 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:33,160 When you threw it away it tore me up inside. 397 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,120 Hang on. You said you didn't want to talk about it 398 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:41,120 cos for a man it's embarrassing but there's nothing embarrassing about quitting the football team. 399 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:45,800 Erm, wait, er, what sport are we talking about here? 400 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,520 Weight lifting. Irish dancing. 401 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:48,960 THEY ALL SNIGGER 402 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,560 You should have seen his soft shoe hornpipe. 403 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,000 We had such plans. 404 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,720 First, we'd take Broadway, then the world. 405 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:03,120 I mean, who else had ever thought of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing? 406 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:08,400 The day you turned your back on dance was the day you shattered my dreams! 407 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,200 Ooh... 408 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,800 Oh gosh. 409 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,000 I'm sorry. 410 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,000 Right, get the ambulance. 411 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,600 My future job prospects could be dying here. 412 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,400 Do it for me, Alfie. One more time. 413 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,000 Before I go. 414 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,760 I couldn't, I can't. 415 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,320 I haven't warmed up. 416 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,160 I might pull something. 417 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,080 Go on, Alfie. 418 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:39,800 I can't wait to see this. 419 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,120 Sir, do it. Sir, do it. 420 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,960 Just one last time. 421 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,400 So, that's it really. 422 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,040 Don't know why I gave it up. 423 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,000 Gay! 424 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,000 Oh yeah. That's why. 425 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,120 Not bad, but it lacked a little panache. Let's go again. 426 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:40,360 And that's the other. Match abandoned. It's a draw.