This programme contains some strong language
# My heart is broken, like an egg on the floor
# If I wasn't such a grown-up then I'd call you a whore
# You are my personal salmonella
# Going off on holiday and having sex with Trevor
"# She's the egg-smashing woman" ALL LAUGH
"# Egg-smashing..." I was 16. I was in a bad place.
Why don't you take it down? I forgot my password and security question.
I mean, Jesus, what is my favourite place?
Judging by that, another dude's arse. Shut up, Mitchell!
Sir, can we watch my video now? What's it called?
One girl, ten cups. Oh, god, Chantelle.
What? It's just me doing the washing-up. Oh.
Greetings and salutations. David Millbank. I was just wondering
if I can count on your vote for this forthcoming school election.
Um, go away. We're working.
Now, who did you vote for last year?
Little Mix.
Ah, the X Factor, yes.
Look, I love music. I'm a big fan of The Coldplay,
Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat... Rizzle Sticks.
Here, Sir, do you want to see an old guy singing with his nutsack?
Mitchell, why would I want to see an old man singing with his...?
MUSIC: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel
Oh, my god! Is that...?
Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser. He loves Peter Gabriel.
COMPUTER BOINGS
"# I'll be anything you need"
Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged.
"# You could have a big dipper"
Oh, Jesus.
"# Going up and down all around the bends"
OK, there's nothing to see here, guys. Can you just get on?
Put the phone away. Question ten's good. Get on with it. It's chicken.
# This amusement never ends
# I wanna be
# Your sledgehammer
# Why don't you call my name?
# Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer
# This will be my testimony
# Sledge
This is the dawn of a new age.
Now, by now you're all be aware that a video of our headmaster
showing children images of a geriatric man
manipulating his scrotum to song has gone viral.
He's been asked to remain off the school grounds
pending a review by the Educational Authority Disciplinary Board.
In the interim, I shall rule. Bullshit.
Surely the most senior member of staff should be headmistress?
Mollinson has been here since, like, the swinging '60s.
The swinging '70s and '80s.
The '90s were a bit dry, thanks to my hip replacement.
Now, given the disastrous example set by our ex-headmaster,
we have to get our house in order. What do you mean, "house in order"?
To start, I'm not having you turn this place into a hippy commune.
That ludicrous garden of yours. The one I built as a memorial to my late brother, Freddie?
I need a new parking space. Could it fit a Hummer?
And take this school election, always an absolute shambles.
Oh, is it? I don't believe in elections. Course you don't.
But we are going to show the board that we can get something right.
Which means, Wickers, you can sit this one out.
BLOWS A RASPBERRY Bothered?
This election will run like clockwork.
That way, I will show the board that I am the right man for the job on a permanent basis.
No-one wants you in charge. You're like the stepmum in Parent Trap.
With me in power, this school will improve, expand.
The pupils will be better, stronger...
purer.
Almost like a super race? Yes. Amazing.
I have to deal with that troublesome Fletchley boy.
His parents are demanding compensation for some javelin accident.
So I'm expelling him. On what grounds?
For having marijuana in his locker. How do you know that?
I put it there.
I need a smoke.
Yeah, me too. You don't smoke.
Yeah, sure I do... you know, like, when I'm stressed.
# Oh! After the rain
# We forget, we make sure we gain, then we leave it
# Cos we're a nation of forgetters. #
Fraser is screwed.
COUGHS
That's some good shit. Do you want to do blowback?
It's a cigarette, Alfie, it's not pot.
Yeah, sorry.
Can you imagine Pickwell as headmistress?
I'm not letting her near Freddie's tree.
You heard the way she was talking.
She'll have Jewish kids in separate classes.
In five years, we'll be telling the disciplinary board
we were only following orders.
She could sack us! Then what would you do as a living?
Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform.
And staff get 13% off decking. So, win-win.
You'll have to make an effort with her. Are you entering this election?
She told me not to.
Anyway, this whole school election thing is bullshit.
Only because of the last time your kids got involved in politics.
Not this again. Rem Dogg got stage fright.
Well, hello, young chap. What's your ambition in life, eh?
Anal.
What? Um...
Everyone knows school politics is just for losers like Millbank.
You know he came to my class this morning asking for our votes? And?
I told him to piss off. You do know he's my candidate?
COUGHS Great guy.
I bet you think it's cool to say you're not "into" politics.
Now you're sounding really old. Have you ever voted?
No. No. I don't need to, because my dad does my postal vote for me.
Oh, god.
Winning the election would be a piece of piss. I can't be bothered.
Because you're afraid of losing. Losing? My class would rape Millbank.
Your class? Special K? Please. Don't bring the children into this.
Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to help my "loser" win this election.
Well, I am going to the canteen
because I have got the munchies.
Right, class. We've got an election to win!
Who wants to stand?
Look, I've seen the other candidates
and we can't win if we're running against them on their terms.
So, our inspiration for this election
is going to be a certain Pol Pot.
Ain't that the guy that killed anyone wearing glasses?
Paul Potts. Sorry, I always get them mixed up. The one that won Britain's Got Talent.
Yeah, we're gonna win it on a sympathy vote.
And we have the perfect candidate. Everybody loves a chubby virgin.
Oh, no, why is it always me? Joe,
this is your perfect opportunity to make this class proud of you.
Yeah, but I can't do public speaking.
It's easy. It's just like teaching a class. What if I freeze up?
Well, they say that you should imagine that everyone's naked.
When you teach us you imagine us naked?
No. I'll never win anyway. Course you can win.
All you need is a crack campaign team.
And you have got the best in the business.
Jing. She is a mastermind. She'll be on strategy.
Stephen does plays, he can write your speeches. Mitchell...
..has...
got a laptop. He'll run the website.
Er, hack the website. I've given out more viruses than her!
Shut up! I'll do it on one condition.
Anything. For one day, you don't make stupid comments about China.
Promise.
Just to clarify, um, you do know what voting is?
It's just, you know, democracy isn't really a big...
Never mind. So, what do you reckon? You in?
OK.
Yes. Right, team, to the corridor.
Talk to me, people. We have a problem. Everyone entering needs a party and they're all taken.
Except one. It's not the BNP? Worse. Lib Dem. Bollocks.
Stephen, get a yellow tie, draw up a list of promises to break.
Right. What shall we do about Grayson?
He's the Tory, so he's all about cuts.
We need to prove his financial plan is unrealistic.
Mitchell, hack the school accounts. Jing, you'll analyse the data.
It'll take time. The mainframe's got me flagged
ever since I put the school on Gumtree. What about Millbank?
Doesn't he have a brother? Edmund Millbank, 14. He has the lowest SAT score.
He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat, lactose and sunlight intolerant.
He's like Rain Man, but can't count and isn't allowed near matches.
We need him to run against his brother.
A sibling rivalry will cause havoc with David's campaign. Genius! How do we get him to run?
He can't. He's got gammy legs. I meant in the election.
Chantelle, you are going to take his breath away.
Steal his inhaler? Flirt with him. Convince him to challenge his brother.
You owe me big time for this. Oh, I'll make it up to you.
Not like that.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Come on, come on.
So, I want to propose the deal.
Fraser, why do we have to do this in an Italian restaurant?
You get me back into power and, in two terms' time,
I stand aside and let you take the top job.
No. Why would I even want that?
I'm just trying to get you on board. I'm on your side.
Good. I've got that hearing later.
I need you and other teachers to convince the committee I'm still up to the job.
Yeah, about that. Pickwell has sort of started a smear campaign.
At her age, I wouldn't have thought it mattered.
No... Throw her my bone. Tell her
if she helps me get back my job, I'll let her put Creationism on the syllabus.
She's been banging on about that for years.
Look, I'll do everything I can. Great. Well, in advance,
a little crib sheet.
The Da Fraser Code.
Can't grow a full beard? Skip the weakness section.
Strengths. There's your meat and two veg.
This stuff is not going to impress the committee.
Grade three on the oboe?
It's really hard. Not colour blind.
Yellow. Appeared on Super... You appeared on Supermarket Sweep?
I did. The point is, that this shit
won't help get your job back. That you can impersonate Michael Caine?
BAD IMPRESSION: Blow on me bloody doors.
Yeah, I'd maybe pop that one under weaknesses?
Sorry, you did not invent the "wassup" craze.
No-one can prove that.
Wassssss-uuuuuppppp!
One spaghetti Bolognese and one...
Unfolded calzone stromboli. Ici, por favor.
You do know that calzones come folded.
Yeah, but it's half the fun.
You are such a bell end.
BLOWS
It should look like a lung.
Garcon, couple of straws.
Well, um...
I've checked the numbers four times,
and our class candidate for the school election
is definitely...
Edmund Millbank.
LAUGHTER
Mummy will go spare.
What are the early forecasts? The polls have Grayson in the lead.
The voters love his tough economic stance. And he scares them shitless.
Where are the school accounts? Mitchell's working on it.
See? Told you the FBI website was piss easy to hack, man.
I've set up a Twitter account. Got a retweet from Myleene Klass. Great. About which policy?
I said I loved her hair. Well, that's a start.
What are we going to do about David Millbank? You didn't hear? No, what?
Before we begin this hustings,
I would like to extend a very warm welcome to those members
of the Local Education Authority who have joined us here today.
Er, the rules.
No swearing, no music, no spitting,
no nudity and none of that global-warming nonsense.
Everyone knows it's a hoopla invented by tree-fingering socialists.
Good. So, to our first speaker, Frank Grayson,
standing as a Conservative.
APPLAUSE
Welcome to the Big Society. My motto?
Your problems ain't got shit to do with me.
The welfare state is brass!
Policies.
I'm sacking the school nurse. She's pointless and she ain't even fit.
And, secondly,
these knob heads, why waste my hard-earned monies on them,
when instead we could spend it on this?
A massive sports day this summer.
I'm going to build the school essential facilities
like a velodrome and an equestrian centre, you get me?
So, vote for me
or watch your back.
Because in the Big Society,
no-one can hear you scream.
SCANT APPLAUSE
Right, who's next? Oh, this'll be good. It's Form K.
Cheers, sugar tits, I'll do the intros.
So, after being told that I couldn't enter this election,
let alone win it, here I am with my very own candidate.
From the under-25's category,
would you please welcome Joe Poulter!
Here's your speech.
Wooh!
Change of plan. I've, er, written my own.
Bit punchier.
How are those accounts coming on? Mitchell's still working on it.
And with one click, Mr Wickers is on the world's most wanted list.
Is that the PE teacher?
When you're written off as a coward,
it takes a lot of guts to get back up
and show that woman who you really are.
Most politicians are like women,
older women, in that they don't care about you.
They patronise you. They don't listen to you in the staff room
when you're telling them about paintballing at Chris Lammond's stag do.
Really good story. What? Like older women,
politicians make you think you've got a chance with them
only to shit on you from up on their high horse.
WHISPERS: The other side.
And for the record, I DO smoke.
I get high all the time. There's a photo of me on Facebook smoking
a joint at Glastonbury, at least I think
Henry said it was weed but I couldn't hear because Moby was tearing up the dance tent.
Right, right, right. Well, that was as weird as expected.
You nailed it! I didn't nail it. I embarrassed myself in front of the school.
I never wanted to do this stupid election thing.
OK, next up from Form M is Edmund Millbank.
Right, sit down!
OK, this clearly isn't about the election any more because,
thanks to you-know-who, it's been hijacked.
For once, could you behave like a real teacher?
Right, um, for the record, I am a real teacher,
obviously. A real teacher wouldn't force pupils to do things they don't want to do. Homework?
A real teacher wouldn't put words into their pupils' mouths.
French teacher. Any language. You're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, get a room. Oh, piss off!
OK. I think we've had enough of the Gulliver Show for one day.
Well, unless you'd like to humiliate yourself any...
Back off, you menopausal witch.
If you dare touch my garden or Freddie's tree,
I will personally ram that Hummer up your arse.
LAUGHTER
Silence!
Pull yourselves together.
I'd like the rest of this hustings to be conducted with due decorum.
So, back to the serious business of this election
and our next candidate from Form B,
Ben Poppit who represents The Forces of Good.
I'm sorry for getting carried away with the whole election stuff.
Ah! Your little spectacle back there's played right into my hands.
It's going to be even easier to lance two irritating abscesses.
You can't lance us. Oh, I can when I'm headmistress.
The committee won't complain after seeing that performance.
You'll both be out.
That would be the case if it wasn't for the fact
that Fraser's gonna get his job back.
Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers. Fraser doesn't stand a chance.
This is a 500-page character assassination on Fraser.
I've compiled one on all of you.
Mr Wickers, please.
And you are? Er, Alfie Wickers.
I teach Form K. Slow bunch,
but, you know, kind of guys that you want to go for a pint with.
Not now, obviously, because they're under-age.
But... I mean, most of them are lightweights.
It's... I've never been for a drink with them.
So, how would you describe Shaquille Fraser?
You're... Shaq-Shaquille?
That's your first name?
You said it was Simon.
Judging by that, you don't know Mr Fraser at all well.
No, look, Shaquille
may come across as a bit of a guiche.
No offence, Fraser.
Standard banter.
Look, I've done some shit here
that at any other school would definitely get me fired.
Maybe even arrested.
But Fraser has never shouted at me, never got me in trouble.
And, you know, he loves this school,
he'd do anything for it, it's his life. And,
I know it might sound a bit lame,
but he's genuinely one of my best friends.
Well, I'm glad you get on so well.
Unfortunately, this has no bearing on his professional competency.
Can you tell me one thing Shaquille has achieved as headmaster?
Do you guys remember,
'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'?
AS MICHAEL CAINE: Blow on me bloody doors!
You're up.
Oh, god.
Well, the hour is nearly upon us.
What will I do first? Ooh, maybe I'll build a wicker man
in the playground. I wonder who'll go in it.
Sir! Sir!
All right, I'm coming.
What? Look.
What? It's the accounts.
Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's too late. Grayson's already won.
No, look. This column shows the school's expenses.
This column shows Pickwell's withdrawals.
They don't add up. £140 in the school's expenses and £200 in Pickwell's.
She's made that withdrawal every week for years.
Right, um, could you explain that again,
er, as though you were explaining it to a child?
Pickwell's been fiddling her expenses.
Oh, god, Jing,
I could kiss you.
Please don't. It might upset Chantelle.
Well done.
Why are you walking like you've soiled yourself? This is my swagger.
What have you got to swagger about? Read it and weep.
Doubt it. I haven't wept since 1990.
1990? When she was hounded out of office by her own party.
Well, talking of being hounded out of office,
it would appear as though one member of staff
has been siphoning off public money.
You.
This column? Mmm.
Now where's your evidence?
You think we didn't make copies? We made copies, right, Jing?
SPEAKS CHINESE Yeah, that is Chinese
for "many, many, many, many multiple copies".
I'll have you arrested. You stole this information.
You could tell the authorities, they're in here. They won't mind.
No, don't! Please. Well,
I suggest that if you want to keep any kind of job,
you go in there and tell your little pals at the council
that Fraser is the most amazing headmaster
you have ever had the privilege of working for.
Oh, and one more thing I'll need you to arrange re the election.
Joe Poulter. Out of the question.
Grayson's already won by a landslide.
Joe doesn't even want to be school president, Alfie.
But I think it would mean a great deal to Edmund.
Actually, I've got a better idea.
And the winner of the Abbey Grove election is...
Ben Poppit.
APPLAUSE
With great power, comes great responsibility. Thank you.
# You know I said it's true
# I can feel the love Can you feel it, too?
# I can feel it Ah ah
# You know I said it's true
# I can feel the love Can you feel it, too?
# I can feel it Ah ah
# You know I said it's true
# I can feel the love Can you feel it, too?
# I can feel it, oh Oh, I can feel it
# Oh, I can feel it Ah ah
# I can feel it I can feel it
# I can feel it Can you feel it, oh, too? #
I'm the headmaster!
I've got to go outside. I'm going to be sick.
I'm feeling quite drunk. Me, too.
That's because I decided on a little celebration for getting my job back.
I've spiked the punch.
Are you out of your mind? Not yet! But I do need to sit down.
Where's that wheelchair boy?
Remember, posture, eye contact, throw in some cute giggles,
maybe rest your hand on his arm and then tell him you'll tug him off behind the bins.
Car keys anyone?
No, thank you.
I couldn't anyway, they're my dad's.
The more the merrier.
# Come and dance with me Come and dance with me
# Come dance with me I see you glance at me
# That's why I'm asking, B So let's party, B
# Come and dance with me
# Get away from the bar Tell your boyfriend hold your jar. #
Joe, can you get me some more punch?
# I don't know where you come from But you're everywhere I go. #
You know when it's a new term and you get a new class
and there's a kid that's got potential
but really frustrates you because
one day they're a grade A and the next day they're just like a kid
who doesn't seem to care.
But then, um... by the end of the term,
you realise that, um...
that maybe they're perfect after all?
I have that exact same situation with Mitchell.
No, no, Alfie...
It was a metaph...
# Shut me up How can I breathe when I'm afloat
# Our love's concrete We should leave it set in stone
# Yeah, and whenever I'm in doubt Yeah, you forever calm me down
# Yeah, and sometimes I'm a dummy And I know I would have crashed... #
Oh. Put it on, put it on.
Um, I need...
I need some air.
# You are my personal salmonella
# Going off on holiday And having sex with Trevor
# She's the egg-smashing woman
# Egg-smashing woman
# She's the egg-smashing woman
# And I am the egg
# I've been smashed
# Smashed by the woman
# You had sex with Trevor
# You fucking bitch. #
So, that song was dedicated to a woman called Rachel Perkins.
I am SO over you.
And yeah, Rachel, you can go around school telling everyone that I haven't had sex
but, two weeks ago, I got half a hand job from Kelly Bright
on the coach on the way home from Cheddar Gorge.