1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,280 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:06,160 # My heart is broken, like an egg on the floor 3 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,440 # If I wasn't such a grown-up then I'd call you a whore 4 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,600 # You are my personal salmonella 5 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:19,040 # Going off on holiday and having sex with Trevor 6 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:22,800 "# She's the egg-smashing woman" ALL LAUGH 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,280 "# Egg-smashing..." I was 16. I was in a bad place. 8 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:30,520 Why don't you take it down? I forgot my password and security question. 9 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,880 I mean, Jesus, what is my favourite place? 10 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,440 Judging by that, another dude's arse. Shut up, Mitchell! 11 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,920 Sir, can we watch my video now? What's it called? 12 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,560 One girl, ten cups. Oh, god, Chantelle. 13 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,520 What? It's just me doing the washing-up. Oh. 14 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:48,440 Greetings and salutations. David Millbank. I was just wondering 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:52,200 if I can count on your vote for this forthcoming school election. 16 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,160 Um, go away. We're working. 17 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,000 Now, who did you vote for last year? 18 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,040 Little Mix. 19 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,920 Ah, the X Factor, yes. 20 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,560 Look, I love music. I'm a big fan of The Coldplay, 21 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,960 Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat... Rizzle Sticks. 22 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:14,240 Here, Sir, do you want to see an old guy singing with his nutsack? 23 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,480 Mitchell, why would I want to see an old man singing with his...? 24 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,560 MUSIC: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel 25 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:20,760 Oh, my god! Is that...? 26 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,760 Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser. He loves Peter Gabriel. 27 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,760 COMPUTER BOINGS 28 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,640 "# I'll be anything you need" 29 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,560 Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged. 30 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,080 "# You could have a big dipper" 31 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,080 Oh, Jesus. 32 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,080 "# Going up and down all around the bends" 33 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,080 OK, there's nothing to see here, guys. Can you just get on? 34 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:48,280 Put the phone away. Question ten's good. Get on with it. It's chicken. 35 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,200 # This amusement never ends 36 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,800 # I wanna be 37 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,680 # Your sledgehammer 38 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,400 # Why don't you call my name? 39 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,520 # Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer 40 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,320 # This will be my testimony 41 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,040 # Sledge 42 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,320 # Sledge 43 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:24,000 This is the dawn of a new age. 44 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,440 Now, by now you're all be aware that a video of our headmaster 45 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,080 showing children images of a geriatric man 46 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:33,080 manipulating his scrotum to song has gone viral. 47 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,520 He's been asked to remain off the school grounds 48 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,200 pending a review by the Educational Authority Disciplinary Board. 49 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,400 In the interim, I shall rule. Bullshit. 50 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,600 Surely the most senior member of staff should be headmistress? 51 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,160 Mollinson has been here since, like, the swinging '60s. 52 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,360 The swinging '70s and '80s. 53 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:57,480 The '90s were a bit dry, thanks to my hip replacement. 54 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,360 Now, given the disastrous example set by our ex-headmaster, 55 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:05,280 we have to get our house in order. What do you mean, "house in order"? 56 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:09,360 To start, I'm not having you turn this place into a hippy commune. 57 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,840 That ludicrous garden of yours. The one I built as a memorial to my late brother, Freddie? 58 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,880 I need a new parking space. Could it fit a Hummer? 59 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,840 And take this school election, always an absolute shambles. 60 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,080 Oh, is it? I don't believe in elections. Course you don't. 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,400 But we are going to show the board that we can get something right. 62 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,040 Which means, Wickers, you can sit this one out. 63 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,040 BLOWS A RASPBERRY Bothered? 64 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,120 This election will run like clockwork. 65 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:39,880 That way, I will show the board that I am the right man for the job on a permanent basis. 66 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,400 No-one wants you in charge. You're like the stepmum in Parent Trap. 67 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,520 With me in power, this school will improve, expand. 68 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,600 The pupils will be better, stronger... 69 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,840 purer. 70 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,960 Almost like a super race? Yes. Amazing. 71 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,600 I have to deal with that troublesome Fletchley boy. 72 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,080 His parents are demanding compensation for some javelin accident. 73 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,200 So I'm expelling him. On what grounds? 74 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,480 For having marijuana in his locker. How do you know that? 75 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,840 I put it there. 76 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,160 I need a smoke. 77 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,640 Yeah, me too. You don't smoke. 78 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:21,200 Yeah, sure I do... you know, like, when I'm stressed. 79 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920 # Oh! After the rain 80 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,320 # We forget, we make sure we gain, then we leave it 81 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,040 # Cos we're a nation of forgetters. # 82 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,480 Fraser is screwed. 83 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,920 COUGHS 84 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,200 That's some good shit. Do you want to do blowback? 85 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,000 It's a cigarette, Alfie, it's not pot. 86 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,040 Yeah, sorry. 87 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,080 Can you imagine Pickwell as headmistress? 88 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,920 I'm not letting her near Freddie's tree. 89 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,920 You heard the way she was talking. 90 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,920 She'll have Jewish kids in separate classes. 91 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,400 In five years, we'll be telling the disciplinary board 92 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,800 we were only following orders. 93 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,760 She could sack us! Then what would you do as a living? 94 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,240 Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform. 95 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,160 And staff get 13% off decking. So, win-win. 96 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:15,000 You'll have to make an effort with her. Are you entering this election? 97 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,200 She told me not to. 98 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,280 Anyway, this whole school election thing is bullshit. 99 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,640 Only because of the last time your kids got involved in politics. 100 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,760 Not this again. Rem Dogg got stage fright. 101 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:30,760 Well, hello, young chap. What's your ambition in life, eh? 102 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,760 Anal. 103 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,800 What? Um... 104 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,160 Everyone knows school politics is just for losers like Millbank. 105 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,760 You know he came to my class this morning asking for our votes? And? 106 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,600 I told him to piss off. You do know he's my candidate? 107 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,880 COUGHS Great guy. 108 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,600 I bet you think it's cool to say you're not "into" politics. 109 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,280 Now you're sounding really old. Have you ever voted? 110 00:05:55,280 --> 00:06:00,080 No. No. I don't need to, because my dad does my postal vote for me. 111 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,440 Oh, god. 112 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,040 Winning the election would be a piece of piss. I can't be bothered. 113 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:09,800 Because you're afraid of losing. Losing? My class would rape Millbank. 114 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:14,720 Your class? Special K? Please. Don't bring the children into this. 115 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:19,920 Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to help my "loser" win this election. 116 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,720 Well, I am going to the canteen 117 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,120 because I have got the munchies. 118 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:33,480 Right, class. We've got an election to win! 119 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,320 Who wants to stand? 120 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,160 Look, I've seen the other candidates 121 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,520 and we can't win if we're running against them on their terms. 122 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,040 So, our inspiration for this election 123 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,760 is going to be a certain Pol Pot. 124 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,120 Ain't that the guy that killed anyone wearing glasses? 125 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:56,960 Paul Potts. Sorry, I always get them mixed up. The one that won Britain's Got Talent. 126 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,280 Yeah, we're gonna win it on a sympathy vote. 127 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:05,000 And we have the perfect candidate. Everybody loves a chubby virgin. 128 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,880 Oh, no, why is it always me? Joe, 129 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:12,360 this is your perfect opportunity to make this class proud of you. 130 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,480 Yeah, but I can't do public speaking. 131 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,720 It's easy. It's just like teaching a class. What if I freeze up? 132 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,680 Well, they say that you should imagine that everyone's naked. 133 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,800 When you teach us you imagine us naked? 134 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,800 No. I'll never win anyway. Course you can win. 135 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,200 All you need is a crack campaign team. 136 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,880 And you have got the best in the business. 137 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:36,160 Jing. She is a mastermind. She'll be on strategy. 138 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,720 Stephen does plays, he can write your speeches. Mitchell... 139 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,880 ..has... 140 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,680 got a laptop. He'll run the website. 141 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,160 Er, hack the website. I've given out more viruses than her! 142 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,560 Shut up! I'll do it on one condition. 143 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,640 Anything. For one day, you don't make stupid comments about China. 144 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,840 Promise. 145 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,360 Just to clarify, um, you do know what voting is? 146 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,040 It's just, you know, democracy isn't really a big... 147 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:13,200 Never mind. So, what do you reckon? You in? 148 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,880 OK. 149 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,840 Yes. Right, team, to the corridor. 150 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:24,560 Talk to me, people. We have a problem. Everyone entering needs a party and they're all taken. 151 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,560 Except one. It's not the BNP? Worse. Lib Dem. Bollocks. 152 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:31,080 Stephen, get a yellow tie, draw up a list of promises to break. 153 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,160 Right. What shall we do about Grayson? 154 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,280 He's the Tory, so he's all about cuts. 155 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,080 We need to prove his financial plan is unrealistic. 156 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,320 Mitchell, hack the school accounts. Jing, you'll analyse the data. 157 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,480 It'll take time. The mainframe's got me flagged 158 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,280 ever since I put the school on Gumtree. What about Millbank? 159 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,960 Doesn't he have a brother? Edmund Millbank, 14. He has the lowest SAT score. 160 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,800 He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat, lactose and sunlight intolerant. 161 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,640 He's like Rain Man, but can't count and isn't allowed near matches. 162 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,640 We need him to run against his brother. 163 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:03,240 A sibling rivalry will cause havoc with David's campaign. Genius! How do we get him to run? 164 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,960 He can't. He's got gammy legs. I meant in the election. 165 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,440 Chantelle, you are going to take his breath away. 166 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,200 Steal his inhaler? Flirt with him. Convince him to challenge his brother. 167 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,880 You owe me big time for this. Oh, I'll make it up to you. 168 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,720 Not like that. 169 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,920 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Come on, come on. 170 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,800 So, I want to propose the deal. 171 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,400 Fraser, why do we have to do this in an Italian restaurant? 172 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,960 You get me back into power and, in two terms' time, 173 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,160 I stand aside and let you take the top job. 174 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,000 No. Why would I even want that? 175 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,880 I'm just trying to get you on board. I'm on your side. 176 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,880 Good. I've got that hearing later. 177 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:00,280 I need you and other teachers to convince the committee I'm still up to the job. 178 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:05,240 Yeah, about that. Pickwell has sort of started a smear campaign. 179 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,840 At her age, I wouldn't have thought it mattered. 180 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,160 No... Throw her my bone. Tell her 181 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:14,320 if she helps me get back my job, I'll let her put Creationism on the syllabus. 182 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,760 She's been banging on about that for years. 183 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,960 Look, I'll do everything I can. Great. Well, in advance, 184 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,000 a little crib sheet. 185 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,640 The Da Fraser Code. 186 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,600 Can't grow a full beard? Skip the weakness section. 187 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,920 Strengths. There's your meat and two veg. 188 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,320 This stuff is not going to impress the committee. 189 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,240 Grade three on the oboe? 190 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,360 It's really hard. Not colour blind. 191 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,880 Yellow. Appeared on Super... You appeared on Supermarket Sweep? 192 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:49,280 I did. The point is, that this shit 193 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,680 won't help get your job back. That you can impersonate Michael Caine? 194 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,960 BAD IMPRESSION: Blow on me bloody doors. 195 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,760 Yeah, I'd maybe pop that one under weaknesses? 196 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,080 Sorry, you did not invent the "wassup" craze. 197 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240 No-one can prove that. 198 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,040 Wassssss-uuuuuppppp! 199 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,880 One spaghetti Bolognese and one... 200 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,360 Unfolded calzone stromboli. Ici, por favor. 201 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,280 You do know that calzones come folded. 202 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,720 Yeah, but it's half the fun. 203 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,680 You are such a bell end. 204 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:41,800 BLOWS 205 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,440 It should look like a lung. 206 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,080 Garcon, couple of straws. 207 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,720 Well, um... 208 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:58,680 I've checked the numbers four times, 209 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:03,720 and our class candidate for the school election 210 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,400 is definitely... 211 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,520 Edmund Millbank. 212 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,680 LAUGHTER 213 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,600 Mummy will go spare. 214 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,760 What are the early forecasts? The polls have Grayson in the lead. 215 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,560 The voters love his tough economic stance. And he scares them shitless. 216 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,120 Where are the school accounts? Mitchell's working on it. 217 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:35,000 See? Told you the FBI website was piss easy to hack, man. 218 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,800 I've set up a Twitter account. Got a retweet from Myleene Klass. Great. About which policy? 219 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,840 I said I loved her hair. Well, that's a start. 220 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,680 What are we going to do about David Millbank? You didn't hear? No, what? 221 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,760 Before we begin this hustings, 222 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,520 I would like to extend a very warm welcome to those members 223 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,840 of the Local Education Authority who have joined us here today. 224 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,320 Er, the rules. 225 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,160 No swearing, no music, no spitting, 226 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:22,440 no nudity and none of that global-warming nonsense. 227 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:26,640 Everyone knows it's a hoopla invented by tree-fingering socialists. 228 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,040 Good. So, to our first speaker, Frank Grayson, 229 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,960 standing as a Conservative. 230 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,000 APPLAUSE 231 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:52,160 Welcome to the Big Society. My motto? 232 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,320 Your problems ain't got shit to do with me. 233 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,920 The welfare state is brass! 234 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,960 Policies. 235 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:06,080 I'm sacking the school nurse. She's pointless and she ain't even fit. 236 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,480 And, secondly, 237 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:13,880 these knob heads, why waste my hard-earned monies on them, 238 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,920 when instead we could spend it on this? 239 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,800 A massive sports day this summer. 240 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,280 I'm going to build the school essential facilities 241 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,040 like a velodrome and an equestrian centre, you get me? 242 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,280 So, vote for me 243 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,400 or watch your back. 244 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,840 Because in the Big Society, 245 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:40,400 no-one can hear you scream. 246 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,600 SCANT APPLAUSE 247 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,040 Right, who's next? Oh, this'll be good. It's Form K. 248 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,320 Cheers, sugar tits, I'll do the intros. 249 00:14:55,320 --> 00:15:00,000 So, after being told that I couldn't enter this election, 250 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,280 let alone win it, here I am with my very own candidate. 251 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,840 From the under-25's category, 252 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,680 would you please welcome Joe Poulter! 253 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,520 Here's your speech. 254 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,640 Wooh! 255 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,000 Change of plan. I've, er, written my own. 256 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,040 Bit punchier. 257 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,160 How are those accounts coming on? Mitchell's still working on it. 258 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:32,080 And with one click, Mr Wickers is on the world's most wanted list. 259 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,760 Is that the PE teacher? 260 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,200 When you're written off as a coward, 261 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,680 it takes a lot of guts to get back up 262 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,600 and show that woman who you really are. 263 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,880 Most politicians are like women, 264 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:13,640 older women, in that they don't care about you. 265 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,400 They patronise you. They don't listen to you in the staff room 266 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,920 when you're telling them about paintballing at Chris Lammond's stag do. 267 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,120 Really good story. What? Like older women, 268 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,240 politicians make you think you've got a chance with them 269 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,680 only to shit on you from up on their high horse. 270 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,600 WHISPERS: The other side. 271 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:42,800 And for the record, I DO smoke. 272 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:48,000 I get high all the time. There's a photo of me on Facebook smoking 273 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,080 a joint at Glastonbury, at least I think 274 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:57,320 Henry said it was weed but I couldn't hear because Moby was tearing up the dance tent. 275 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,400 Right, right, right. Well, that was as weird as expected. 276 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,600 You nailed it! I didn't nail it. I embarrassed myself in front of the school. 277 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,040 I never wanted to do this stupid election thing. 278 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,760 OK, next up from Form M is Edmund Millbank. 279 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,800 Right, sit down! 280 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:21,080 OK, this clearly isn't about the election any more because, 281 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,320 thanks to you-know-who, it's been hijacked. 282 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,400 For once, could you behave like a real teacher? 283 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,840 Right, um, for the record, I am a real teacher, 284 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:38,320 obviously. A real teacher wouldn't force pupils to do things they don't want to do. Homework? 285 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,920 A real teacher wouldn't put words into their pupils' mouths. 286 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,040 French teacher. Any language. You're embarrassing yourself. 287 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,880 Oh, get a room. Oh, piss off! 288 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,960 OK. I think we've had enough of the Gulliver Show for one day. 289 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,920 Well, unless you'd like to humiliate yourself any... 290 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:59,560 Back off, you menopausal witch. 291 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:06,360 If you dare touch my garden or Freddie's tree, 292 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:10,480 I will personally ram that Hummer up your arse. 293 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,560 LAUGHTER 294 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,960 Silence! 295 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,320 Pull yourselves together. 296 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:25,280 I'd like the rest of this hustings to be conducted with due decorum. 297 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,160 So, back to the serious business of this election 298 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,240 and our next candidate from Form B, 299 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:36,520 Ben Poppit who represents The Forces of Good. 300 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:53,160 I'm sorry for getting carried away with the whole election stuff. 301 00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,960 Ah! Your little spectacle back there's played right into my hands. 302 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:05,880 It's going to be even easier to lance two irritating abscesses. 303 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:10,160 You can't lance us. Oh, I can when I'm headmistress. 304 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,600 The committee won't complain after seeing that performance. 305 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,600 You'll both be out. 306 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,160 That would be the case if it wasn't for the fact 307 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,280 that Fraser's gonna get his job back. 308 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:24,200 Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers. Fraser doesn't stand a chance. 309 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,080 This is a 500-page character assassination on Fraser. 310 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,680 I've compiled one on all of you. 311 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,000 Mr Wickers, please. 312 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,040 And you are? Er, Alfie Wickers. 313 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,440 I teach Form K. Slow bunch, 314 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,560 but, you know, kind of guys that you want to go for a pint with. 315 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,160 Not now, obviously, because they're under-age. 316 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,000 But... I mean, most of them are lightweights. 317 00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,320 It's... I've never been for a drink with them. 318 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,880 So, how would you describe Shaquille Fraser? 319 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,640 You're... Shaq-Shaquille? 320 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,280 That's your first name? 321 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,320 You said it was Simon. 322 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,840 Judging by that, you don't know Mr Fraser at all well. 323 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,520 No, look, Shaquille 324 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,000 may come across as a bit of a guiche. 325 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,720 No offence, Fraser. 326 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,720 Standard banter. 327 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:37,040 Look, I've done some shit here 328 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,760 that at any other school would definitely get me fired. 329 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,040 Maybe even arrested. 330 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:48,160 But Fraser has never shouted at me, never got me in trouble. 331 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:52,640 And, you know, he loves this school, 332 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,160 he'd do anything for it, it's his life. And, 333 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,880 I know it might sound a bit lame, 334 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,040 but he's genuinely one of my best friends. 335 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,680 Well, I'm glad you get on so well. 336 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:14,840 Unfortunately, this has no bearing on his professional competency. 337 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:20,000 Can you tell me one thing Shaquille has achieved as headmaster? 338 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,120 Do you guys remember, 339 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:32,240 'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'? 340 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,760 AS MICHAEL CAINE: Blow on me bloody doors! 341 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,800 You're up. 342 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,560 Oh, god. 343 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,680 Well, the hour is nearly upon us. 344 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,160 What will I do first? Ooh, maybe I'll build a wicker man 345 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,880 in the playground. I wonder who'll go in it. 346 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,920 Sir! Sir! 347 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,320 All right, I'm coming. 348 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,400 What? Look. 349 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,280 What? It's the accounts. 350 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,960 Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's too late. Grayson's already won. 351 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,240 No, look. This column shows the school's expenses. 352 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,600 This column shows Pickwell's withdrawals. 353 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:17,800 They don't add up. £140 in the school's expenses and £200 in Pickwell's. 354 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,600 She's made that withdrawal every week for years. 355 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,560 Right, um, could you explain that again, 356 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,920 er, as though you were explaining it to a child? 357 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,000 Pickwell's been fiddling her expenses. 358 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,760 Oh, god, Jing, 359 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,760 I could kiss you. 360 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,640 Please don't. It might upset Chantelle. 361 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,200 Well done. 362 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,680 Why are you walking like you've soiled yourself? This is my swagger. 363 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,080 What have you got to swagger about? Read it and weep. 364 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,320 Doubt it. I haven't wept since 1990. 365 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,320 1990? When she was hounded out of office by her own party. 366 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,680 Well, talking of being hounded out of office, 367 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,320 it would appear as though one member of staff 368 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,160 has been siphoning off public money. 369 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,640 You. 370 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,880 This column? Mmm. 371 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,680 Now where's your evidence? 372 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,080 You think we didn't make copies? We made copies, right, Jing? 373 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,760 SPEAKS CHINESE Yeah, that is Chinese 374 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:38,120 for "many, many, many, many multiple copies". 375 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,840 I'll have you arrested. You stole this information. 376 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,560 You could tell the authorities, they're in here. They won't mind. 377 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,440 No, don't! Please. Well, 378 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,880 I suggest that if you want to keep any kind of job, 379 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:54,840 you go in there and tell your little pals at the council 380 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,520 that Fraser is the most amazing headmaster 381 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,880 you have ever had the privilege of working for. 382 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:10,200 Oh, and one more thing I'll need you to arrange re the election. 383 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,880 Joe Poulter. Out of the question. 384 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,640 Grayson's already won by a landslide. 385 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,360 Joe doesn't even want to be school president, Alfie. 386 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:24,200 But I think it would mean a great deal to Edmund. 387 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,600 Actually, I've got a better idea. 388 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:35,400 And the winner of the Abbey Grove election is... 389 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,920 Ben Poppit. 390 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,640 APPLAUSE 391 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:46,080 With great power, comes great responsibility. Thank you. 392 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,800 # You know I said it's true 393 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,240 # I can feel the love Can you feel it, too? 394 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,800 # I can feel it Ah ah 395 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,480 # I can feel it Ah ah 396 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,200 # You know I said it's true 397 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,760 # I can feel the love Can you feel it, too? 398 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,800 # I can feel it Ah ah 399 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:12,400 # I can feel it Ah ah 400 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,440 # You know I said it's true 401 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,520 # I can feel the love Can you feel it, too? 402 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,080 # I can feel it, oh Oh, I can feel it 403 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,120 # Oh, I can feel it Ah ah 404 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,760 # I can feel it I can feel it 405 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,520 # I can feel it Can you feel it, oh, too? # 406 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,160 I'm the headmaster! 407 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,440 I've got to go outside. I'm going to be sick. 408 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:37,040 I'm feeling quite drunk. Me, too. 409 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:41,120 That's because I decided on a little celebration for getting my job back. 410 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,960 I've spiked the punch. 411 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,800 Are you out of your mind? Not yet! But I do need to sit down. 412 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,840 Where's that wheelchair boy? 413 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:55,080 Remember, posture, eye contact, throw in some cute giggles, 414 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,200 maybe rest your hand on his arm and then tell him you'll tug him off behind the bins. 415 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,280 Car keys anyone? 416 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,320 No, thank you. 417 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,240 I couldn't anyway, they're my dad's. 418 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,040 The more the merrier. 419 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,400 # Come and dance with me Come and dance with me 420 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,520 # Come dance with me I see you glance at me 421 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,640 # That's why I'm asking, B So let's party, B 422 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,560 # Come and dance with me 423 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,680 # Get away from the bar Tell your boyfriend hold your jar. # 424 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,120 Joe, can you get me some more punch? 425 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:37,000 # I don't know where you come from But you're everywhere I go. # 426 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,440 You know when it's a new term and you get a new class 427 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:44,200 and there's a kid that's got potential 428 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,640 but really frustrates you because 429 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:52,400 one day they're a grade A and the next day they're just like a kid 430 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,440 who doesn't seem to care. 431 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,520 But then, um... by the end of the term, 432 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,720 you realise that, um... 433 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,760 that maybe they're perfect after all? 434 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:12,280 I have that exact same situation with Mitchell. 435 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,840 No, no, Alfie... 436 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,640 It was a metaph... 437 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,480 # Shut me up How can I breathe when I'm afloat 438 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,040 # Our love's concrete We should leave it set in stone 439 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:27,320 # Yeah, and whenever I'm in doubt Yeah, you forever calm me down 440 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,160 # Yeah, and sometimes I'm a dummy And I know I would have crashed... # 441 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,640 Oh. Put it on, put it on. 442 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,560 Um, I need... 443 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,000 I need some air. 444 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,000 # You are my personal salmonella 445 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:50,440 # Going off on holiday And having sex with Trevor 446 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:54,240 # She's the egg-smashing woman 447 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,080 # Egg-smashing woman 448 00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,640 # She's the egg-smashing woman 449 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,600 # And I am the egg 450 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,520 # I've been smashed 451 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,920 # Smashed by the woman 452 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,960 # You had sex with Trevor 453 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,080 # You fucking bitch. # 454 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:21,560 So, that song was dedicated to a woman called Rachel Perkins. 455 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,240 I am SO over you. 456 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,920 And yeah, Rachel, you can go around school telling everyone that I haven't had sex 457 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,480 but, two weeks ago, I got half a hand job from Kelly Bright 458 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,880 on the coach on the way home from Cheddar Gorge.