1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,120 Babes, I've missed you so much! Ah! 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:08,000 Oi, come here! Give it to me, take it off! 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,280 This programme contains adult humour. 4 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,960 OMG! Leave me alone. You look like Joan of Arc. 5 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,520 Just out of interest, Friar Tuck. How are the merry men? 6 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,560 My dad did it. What look was he going for? A young Ann Widdecombe? 7 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,480 Enough about mushroom head. Guess what I come back from Malaga with? 8 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,280 Your virginity? HE TUTS 9 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,320 Is it, like, well spiritual and shit? 10 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,240 Nah, it's my Chinese order - spring rolls, prawn toast, duck. 11 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,480 Did your parents go ape? 12 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,560 I can do what I want, cos they're getting divorced. It's the nuts! 13 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,520 Which one of them gets to keep the caravan? 14 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,320 How many times do I have to tell you, Billy Elliot? 15 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:52,040 It's a static home. It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan. 16 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,600 That means you're one. Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce? 17 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,440 Where's Alfie? Probably chipping his dick out a sock with a toffee hammer. 18 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,440 Right, if anyone laughs, they're getting expelled. 19 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,240 My dad did it. 20 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,640 What's up, homeboy? 21 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,560 Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy! 22 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,800 Mumford and Sons called. They want their gay one back. 23 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,880 Very clever, Grayson, but A, the reason you don't like 24 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,960 Mumford and Sons is cos you're too young to appreciate 25 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,840 a good dinner party anthem when you hear one 26 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:07,040 and B, I've got a girlfriend - Miss Gulliver. 27 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:12,000 Did you not get that problem with your arsehole fixed? 28 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,520 I can hear it talking again. 29 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,760 Check her Facebook status, mate. 30 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,040 Changed yesterday, to "in a relationship". 31 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,240 P-Widdy, you're looking fit and healthy. 32 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,080 Let me guess - no carbs before Marbs? 33 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,240 I went on a moose shoot in British Columbia. 34 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,680 What and no-one shot you? Thankfully, no, 35 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,040 which leaves me able to fetch my gun 36 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,360 and murder whatever monstrosity's nesting on your head. 37 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:05,400 Good to see FC Banterlona stayed fit during the off-season. 38 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,440 And how did you spend your holidays, Mr Fraser? 39 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,040 Trying to master the art of lacing your own shoes? 40 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,160 Oh, no, still wearing these bad boys. 41 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,200 Every morning I wake up and thank God I still have size-five feet. 42 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,160 Now, first staff meeting of the new term 43 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,200 and it's Abbey Grove's swimming gala this week. 44 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,520 Which means it is the sweepstake. 45 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,120 £10 in? Winning form teacher takes the pot. 46 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,760 Why do we have to be so competitive? 47 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,640 We should be celebrating each and every child taking part. 48 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,200 Show me the money, woman. 49 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,800 No, I won't, because I believe very strongly... 50 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,240 Hey, babe. Don't worry, I got this. Listen, Izzy, 51 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,240 if she says it ain't happenin', it ain't happenin'. 52 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,840 (I've got your back, babe.) 53 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,040 Now, light bulb - ding! 54 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,240 We all know how the UK recently hosted the greatest show on Earth. 55 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:59,440 The Olympics. Close. The Paralympics? The what?! No, Splash! 56 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:03,200 I thought we could end the gala with a synchronised diving competition. 57 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:07,440 Synchronised diving? My class would rather take a running jump. 58 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,800 Shame you won't get your grubby little paws on this money. 59 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,320 Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous. 60 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,000 Legal bills? 61 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,040 Well, I presume you're not letting your hairdresser get away with that? 62 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,160 Cheryl Bowl. Back off the bob, bitch. 63 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,480 And anyway, I bet you my class win something. 64 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,080 Yap, yap, yap, yap yappity, yap, yap. You're on. 65 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,720 Um, sorry, just to clarify, I didn't mean betting actual money. 66 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:33,600 Well, if you win a single event, I'll match the pot. 67 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,840 That's, like, £200. 68 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,720 Well, you could spend it on Pokemons. 69 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:43,480 Why would I spend it on Pokemon, when I've already caught them all? 70 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,560 More graceful back and forth - Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke! 71 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:49,600 Ten! 72 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,200 Guys, you need to bring your pyjamas in on Friday. 73 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,920 Are we having a sleep-over? Can I be the little spoon? 74 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,560 Er, no, we are learning swimming safety. Why? We live in Watford. 75 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,320 We ain't going to drown in a flood. 76 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,440 Yeah, well, YOU'RE not. That is the one advantage of living in a caravan. 77 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,840 If there is a flood, you can just move to higher ground. 78 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,200 Well, at least I don't look like an Amish rent boy. 79 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:19,000 Whatever. Look, we're learning swimming safety 80 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,120 so we can all enter the swimming gala! 81 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,560 But we never do the gala! Well, we do now! 82 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,120 And we are going to wipe that smug look off Pickwell's face 83 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,760 and, in doing so, win me a cash bet. 84 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,560 And you know what that means - group trip to Nando's on me. 85 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,160 All we have to do is beat Pickwell at one thing. 86 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,480 And I reckon we've got a chance this year, 87 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,440 because there is a new event, synchronised diving. 88 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:45,160 It's someone's opportunity to become the next Tom Daley. 89 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:49,280 Fierce! Count me in. I'll be like Usher with gills. Hashtag Werk. 90 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,360 I knew I could count on you, Stephen. 91 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,240 Now, you're going to need to pick a partner. 92 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:58,600 Unless, of course, anyone wants to volunteer themselves? 93 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:06,360 Jing, maybe? You peeps are notoriously good at the old diving. 94 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,600 You mean Chinese people? 95 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,080 No. I meant people who wear glasses 96 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,280 and are, um, Sagittarius. 97 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,040 Firstly, I'm Virgo. And secondly, 98 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,040 you may think you've disguised your prejudices, but you don't fool me. 99 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,800 Classic Sagittarius. 100 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,600 I'll do it for a beer at Nando's. Done! 101 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,040 Now, on a separate issue, 102 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:31,160 I need to do something rather special for the old ball and chain. 103 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,680 My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver. 104 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,720 We had a little bit of a lovers' tiff in the staff room 105 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,520 and I want to make things right. 106 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,120 I've got a brilliant idea. I need your help. 107 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,800 Alfie, are you OK? Joe told me that you'd been to hospital. 108 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,240 ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS 109 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,840 Yeah, doctor said someone had stolen my heart. 110 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,840 You wouldn't happen to know anything about that now, would you? 111 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,440 Alfie, we're not in a relationship. 112 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,240 Then why did you put in on Facebook? 113 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:11,280 I put that I'm in a relationship. Which I am. Just not with you. 114 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:17,960 I don't understand. What... You... Who is it? 115 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,640 Tell me who he is and I will fight this tag-nut for your hand. 116 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,080 Alex Scott. Alex Scott? He sounds shit. 117 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,640 No, Alex Scott. I used to teach HER. 118 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,360 Alfie, I really, really didn't want to have to tell you like this. 119 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:37,080 You're going out with Alex Scott? She's, like, 20 and...hot. Yeah. 120 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,800 And a girl! And, sorry, more importantly, she's your pupil! 121 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:44,240 WAS... Years ago. 122 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,760 I don't know what to think! 123 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:50,520 I am angry and aroused and upset. 124 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:54,120 And mainly aroused. And confused. 125 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,720 I didn't think the idea of lesbians could make me this miserable. 126 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:02,120 I just... I like her. I like Joe, I'm not going to bum him. 127 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,400 This is completely different. Is it? 128 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,760 Sorry, what would you be like if I was like, "Oh, last night, 129 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,840 "I was helping Joe with his homework and one thing led to another 130 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,600 "and I just ended up tugging him off into his Encore Tricolore"? 131 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:18,280 I'd say, "Why are you teaching him French?" You know what I mean. 132 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,120 Look, I love you! 133 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:27,520 See all of this - the petals, the candles, the Michael Buble. 134 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,240 Does anyone really like Michael Buble? 135 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,840 He's just a shit Michael Ball. 136 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:39,600 I realise that this is a strange, highly-emotional time for you, 137 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,920 but how dare you take this out on the Bube-ster? 138 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,480 She didn't mean it, Michael. 139 00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:50,160 Please don't go. I'm sorry. 140 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,840 Fine! Bye, then! 141 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:58,120 I'm off to find one of the boys in my class to see if he fancies a bumming! 142 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,680 Mr Wickers. 143 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,960 These are the Wilsons. 144 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,200 They were thinking about sending their child to Abbey Grove. 145 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,960 Shall I show you back to the car park? 146 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,320 Sir, why haven't you dealt with that bowl yet? 147 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,480 Right, for the last time it's not a bowl, it's a man bob. 148 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,200 Not gigi. And the reason that I haven't been able to deal with it is 149 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,760 cos I've been busy picking up the pieces of my broken heart. 150 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,000 Ah. Miss Gulliver's no biggie, sir. Every girl has a minge binge. 151 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:46,040 Minge! Maybe the reason they become lesbians after they've got with me 152 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,040 is because they know that it's never going to get any better - 153 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,520 like when Sir Chris Hoy retired after London 2012. 154 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,200 Want me to be your guinea pig? You could kiss me, to see if I turn, 155 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,360 like a lesbo Twilight. 156 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,360 Sir, so what if Gulliver's exploring her boundaries? 157 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,000 Sexuality ain't a rigid set of definitions. 158 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,520 It's a spectrum and we all fluctuate between its many polarities. 159 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,160 Plus yat on yat is fit, innit? 160 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,840 And he's back. 161 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,240 Joe's got a choad! 162 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,640 Guys, can you hurry up, please? 163 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,520 Piss off, Savile! Sir's perving on us. 164 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,720 I'm ready, sir. Hope the water's warm. 165 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,200 I'm not looking. Chantelle, I told you to put your pyjamas on. 166 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,000 I sleep naked. Go and get some clothes on now! 167 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,200 SHE TUTS 168 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,880 This leisure centre is minging. Joe, you don't sleep in a duffle coat. 169 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,840 I do when it's cold. Please don't make me swim, Alfie. 170 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,880 Mate, you should be used to having wet pyjamas! 171 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,040 Is that my shirt? It's all I could find. Do you want some breakfast? 172 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,760 Look! It's my XXL conny! 173 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,920 It's a verruca sock. Argh! 174 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,160 Where's the lifeguard? She better be a sort. 175 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,480 Don't worry, mate. They always are. 176 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,280 WHISTLE BLOWS 177 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,680 BAYWATCH THEME PLAYS 178 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,280 Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out. I've spotted a whale. 179 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,280 Sit down, you grubby little toads! 180 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,000 Hi. I'm Mr Wickers. 181 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,960 You, too. I'm the form teacher. 182 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:29,640 Sit! My name is Joy. Before you begin, a couple of ground rules. 183 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:33,920 I don't like children, but I do like my kit. 184 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,800 And take extra special care of Thomas. 185 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,400 Oh, her dummy's got a name. Rules. No diving, no bombing 186 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,520 and no petting, of the heavy or light persuasion. 187 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:48,360 What's petting? Why don't you show us, love? Give us a kiss! 188 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,840 Do you want a faceful of congenital herpes? Thought not, squirt. 189 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,680 And finally, no running! 190 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,920 We had a lad used to run round, ended up cracking his head. 191 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:03,520 He can't run any more. Eats through a tube and shits in a bag. 192 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:09,040 I think what Joy is trying to say is that water can make this surface 193 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,120 very slippery. 194 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,840 Wasn't water. He tripped on a crutch. 195 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:20,520 OK, er, back to swimming. Has anyone got any questions for Joy? 196 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,480 Yeah. Is it true the water changes colour if you piss in it? 197 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,800 Yeah. It goes yellow. Tods turn the milk chocolaty. 198 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,040 Someone's done a dump in it? Wasn't my fault, you weasel. 199 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,760 I've got a spastic colon. Speaking of which... 200 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:40,200 Sorry. Aren't you going to help me with this? Nature calls. 201 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,440 That Ginsters Scotch Egg bar's tipping the concierge. 202 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,560 Think it wants to check out. 203 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,200 SHE GROANS 204 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,240 OK. 205 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,840 That was Joy. Charming little thing. 206 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:55,440 Right, left, left, left, right. Halt! 207 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,280 Right, resuscitation. 208 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,920 Oi, look, sir, shag of life! 209 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,200 Mitchell, put that down! 210 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:09,240 Now, Mr Wickers has got it into his septic tank of a head 211 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,560 that he stands a chance of competing this year. 212 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:17,160 Get off! Mitchell, stop it! 213 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,280 Any hole's a goal. Let's make it airtight. 214 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,080 Mitchell! Thomas! Get off my husband! 215 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:28,320 Right, well, I think we can rest easy. 216 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,840 Stop looking at me. Cheeky wee bastard. 217 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,640 Ah! Miss G! 218 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,560 I'm very concerned about the swimming gala, Fraser. 219 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:47,400 Can I interest you in a lager? Or a stout? 220 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:53,360 I tend not to drink before 10:30am. A selection of guest ales? 221 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:57,200 Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting her children starve themselves, 222 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,080 in order to achieve Olympic-standard body mass. 223 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:02,960 Darts? 224 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,040 I'm going out with a woman, Fraser. I'm not a man. 225 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:10,080 Oh, there it is. I had heard you'd kissed a girl and you liked it 226 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,720 and that's totes coolio on so many levels. Kind of explains why 227 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,560 you've never really wanted a slice of the Fray Bantos pie. 228 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,200 Mm-hm... Yup, hit the nail on the head. 229 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,600 Yup, so now that "us" is off the table, we can let it all hang out. 230 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:27,240 Oh, wow. Oh, new Speedos tend to have very little give. 231 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,680 I'm just breaking in the gusset for later. 232 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,840 Look, this is a point of principle, Fraser. 233 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:35,120 Either you excuse my class from competing 234 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,280 or we will take part in a non-violent protest at the gala. 235 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,200 I thought you'd be more into this swimming lark now. Why? 236 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,080 Clare Balding? 237 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,120 Argh. Motherfunkster. 238 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,200 Oi, numb nuts. Why are you wearing goggles? 239 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,480 Er, because I have a severe chlorine allergy. 240 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,800 I don't want to get any splash back from this bad boy. 241 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,160 Wait, you've got webbed feet, but you can't actually swim? 242 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,840 I know, Jing. God can be a cruel mistress. 243 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,280 It's like giving the Pope a big willy. 244 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:12,040 Right, I am going to throw this plastic brick into the pool 245 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,440 and then each of you is going to take turns to dive in, 246 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,920 collect it and then swim it back to shore. 247 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,240 What is this preparing us for? 248 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,520 You know, Jing, learning is a lot easier 249 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,160 if you don't ask any questions. 250 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:28,640 OK, so who's going to go first? Joe, want to get it out the way? 251 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,960 I will. All right Stephen, you're up. 252 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,200 Oi, Oi! Argh! Mitchell! 253 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,400 Mitchell, stop splashing me! I'm allergic. 254 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,120 I need to throw the brick in first. Get out of the pool! 255 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,240 Come on, throw it. 256 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,960 If you aim at me, it ain't going to anywhere near me. Mitchell, get out! 257 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,320 Or what, you'll come and get me, goggle rash? Throw it, you melt. 258 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,760 Fine! 259 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,640 Oh, shit! 260 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:01,480 Sir, help him! I can't go in, I'm allergic! 261 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,760 Quick, do something! Is he going to die? 262 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,480 What? 263 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,320 Where's Joy? 264 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,560 He's dying! 265 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,840 JOY! Sir! JOY! 266 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,520 Come on, you bastard. Work with me. 267 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,760 SHE STRAINS 268 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,920 All right, I will buy a second beer at Nando's 269 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,480 for whoever saves Mitchell! Right, get in! 270 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,440 Coward. 271 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:39,000 Stephen, you can stop doing that now. We've lost. 272 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,920 Can't someone else dive with me? We've been over this. 273 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:46,640 Jordan and Raj are injured. Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg. 274 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:47,680 Girls? 275 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,240 How can you all be on your periods at the same time? 276 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:56,600 Women synchronise, too. Me and Chantelle started Monday. 277 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,560 Please don't! We might as well just accept Pickwell's won. 278 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,560 Joe's not competing in anything. 279 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,600 I'm on my period, too? 280 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,600 Blobby's on the blob! I told you he had a fanny! 281 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,520 I thought you were concussed? Oh, me head. Argh! Come on, Joe. 282 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,280 All we need to do is win one event. 283 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,280 No way. Everyone's going to laugh at me. 284 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,560 Why would they laugh? 285 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:19,000 Last year I wasn't even swimming, I was just putting out lane numbers 286 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,720 and Grayson got the whole school to do the Moob-Bot. 287 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,040 The Moob-Bot? 288 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:31,080 Oh, that's clever. But you can't let Grayson win. 289 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,600 But I can't dive. It's not about diving. It's about synchronising. 290 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,760 You do something, no matter how shit it is, he tries to copy it. 291 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:39,840 We might get lucky. 292 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,040 But if it's so easy, why can't you do it? 293 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,440 Oh, how many times? Chlorine is my Kryptonite. 294 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:46,880 One drop of that shit 295 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,280 and I go from Jamie Redknapp to Harry Redknapp, like that. 296 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:54,400 Now, come on, buddy. I believe in you. We all believe in you. 297 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,600 Inspire a generation. Hashtag YOLO. 298 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,480 YOLO, Joe. YOLO. 299 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:06,440 ALL: YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO! 300 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,960 Can you buy me three beers? Everyone can have three beers! 301 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,440 CHEERING 302 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:22,640 Ah, Mr Smith! 303 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,320 It's so great to see you, after the racial insensitivity tribunal. 304 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:30,880 With hindsight, I can see that word is best left to rappers. 305 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,680 Well, let's just let bygones be bygones. 306 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,040 Yes, bro. 307 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:42,040 # Some day-ay-ay-ay 308 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:47,440 # We walk hand in hand. # 309 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:54,800 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Abbey Grove swimming gala. 310 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,080 CHEERING 311 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,120 Now, to light the Olympic torch. 312 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,960 Let the Games begin. 313 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,840 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. 314 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,440 Oh, no. 315 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,080 Don't panic! Everything's fine! 316 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:29,800 Everything's fine. Everything's cool. Don't panic! 317 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,840 Everything's fine. Do not worry. 318 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:37,760 Oh, God. It's really hot. Help! Help! 319 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,440 KLAXON BLARES 320 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,880 # We shall We shall not be moved. # 321 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,320 KLAXON BLARES Argh! Oh, my God! 322 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,000 Stuck, is it? 323 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,640 Stand back. 324 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:30,280 Sometimes there's no substitute for a little bit of manpower. 325 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:46,280 Any minute now, it'll just drop. It's a stubborn one. 326 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,920 Oh, shit! 327 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,480 Erm, I haven't actually put my money in it. 328 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:58,320 Oh...that'll be why nothing's coming out, then. 329 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,560 FYI, your, er, little minge binge. 330 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,920 Not my fault. I've checked with loads of my ex-girlfriends 331 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,800 and they're all still straight. 332 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,840 "Checked"? What do you mean, checked? 333 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:16,200 I asked them if they were gay. Not straight out. I'm subtle, like. 334 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,720 What did you ask them? 335 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:21,360 Timbaland - music producer or formal evening footwear? 336 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,680 You're intimidated. 337 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,720 No, I'm not. 338 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:32,080 I just think that, you know... you might be, er, missing out. 339 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,960 I'm not missing out. 340 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,440 No, because sex with Alex 341 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,480 is a sensual awakening. 342 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:50,480 Wave upon wave of mind-blowing orgasms. 343 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,760 She's a volcano of pleasure. 344 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,080 Very clever. 345 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,040 Very clever, indeed. 346 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,920 Get your own back by giving me an erection 347 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,840 at a children's swimming gala. God. 348 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,320 I don't care if you're dying of starvation, 349 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,960 your bingo wings are not going to mess up this entry. 350 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,880 Miss, I feel... You do not feel, you dive. 351 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:31,920 Are you all right? 352 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,720 Sir, we need to call security. I've seen a suspicious package. 353 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:40,440 Eugh. Pickwell's camel toe? Toe? That's a whole hoof. 354 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,480 CROWD CHEER 355 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,800 SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE 356 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:52,840 Zero? 357 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,960 Are you out of your tiny little minds? 358 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,680 There was no synchronisation. 359 00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:03,240 Yes! Look, it's easy. Just keep it simple. Keep it synchronised. 360 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:07,280 I can't! I can't take my top off. Everyone will laugh. 361 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:12,320 Ignore them, Joe. Look, no-one is happy about their bodies. 362 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:17,240 You really think that this will ever win Heat's torso of the week? 363 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,880 No, but they might bring back Circle of Shame for those nipples. 364 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,680 Stephen, could you just go and sort out the music? 365 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,080 This dive is happening! 366 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,680 Look, mate, beauty is more than skin-deep. 367 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:31,960 You are like... 368 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,280 ..a Ginsters Scotch Egg bar. Yeah. 369 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,840 On the outside, you're not traditionally beautiful, 370 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,960 but inside... inside you're pretty damn special. 371 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:51,520 Argh! My ankle! This witch tripped me! 372 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,600 I said no running. 373 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:03,320 No way. Right, that's it. Shit's getting real. 374 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,200 What about your chlorine allergy? 375 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:08,000 You know what, Joe? Some day... 376 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,320 ..we've all got to face up to our fears. 377 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,040 You with me? Oi, chicken dipper! 378 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,680 That's the spirit. Lock and load. 379 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,880 What happened to not being ashamed of your body? 380 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,960 Joe, there are some shortcomings that no man will ever get over. 381 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,680 Put it down. 382 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:34,160 THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT 383 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,480 CROWD: Dive, dive, dive, dive! 384 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:46,840 Are you sure about this, Alfie? Yeah. How bad can it be, right? 385 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,640 Bob bump? Bob bump. 386 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,000 # But I promise, girl, I ain't afraid 387 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:09,200 # It's raining inside your bed No parts are dry 388 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:14,560 # I knew that I was ready, baby 389 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,800 # To take that dive. # 390 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:31,840 Yes! Yes! 391 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,160 CHEERING 392 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,600 Yes, we did it! 393 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:42,720 Oh, oh, my chlorine allergy. It's vanished! I feel fine! 394 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,000 Honestly, guys, how bad is it? 395 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,360 Not bad at all. 396 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:58,040 Oh, my God, you look minging... but no worse than normal. 397 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,280 You look fine, sir. Really. 398 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,560 You better get into a hot shower and some dry clothes, sir. 399 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,320 I'll help get your trunks off. Whoa! I think I can cope, 400 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:07,640 thank you, Chantelle. 401 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,120 PAINED GASPS 402 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,240 EVIL LAUGHTER 403 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,080 Is somebody there? 404 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,360 Where are my clothes? Nice face, Downton. 405 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:23,280 Seriously, Frank, I am not in the mood for this. 406 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:27,160 Thunderbirds are GO! What? 407 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,960 LAUGHTER 408 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,760 Ow! 409 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,160 This isn't funny! 410 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,760 Seriously, guys. Come on, sir! 411 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,480 This is not funny! Alfie? 412 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,840 Hello? Rosie? 413 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,320 We're in the lobby, aren't we? 414 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,360 Yeah. Shit! 415 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,080 This is my recurring nightmare. 416 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:59,360 Is he OK? Oh, is this..? 417 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:03,760 Yes! This must be the famous Alex. 418 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,040 How wonderful to finally meet you. 419 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,440 No? 420 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,960 It's like that, is it? You are making a spectacle of yourself. 421 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,360 Go and put some clothes on! 422 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:23,720 Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed about my body? Pu-lease! 423 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:29,320 Darling, you just can't handle being reminded of what you could have had. 424 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,200 DELIBERATE COUGH Argh! 425 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:36,000 GIGGLING 426 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,600 Come on, then, take a photo. It'll last longer. 427 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,800 Figure of speech. I didn't mean it! 428 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,600 Stop it, Mitchell! Sir? 429 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,320 I promise, it's me. Please?! 430 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,720 I've got to buy those guys 30 beers. 431 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd