1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,760 BELL RINGS Lock and load, bitches. 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,040 It's Class Wars! 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,800 Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor. You're the advancing German army. 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,800 Right, it's the 27th May, 1940. 5 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,200 Thousands of British troops have been stranded 6 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,040 on the beaches of Dunkirk. 7 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,160 French beach? Is it one of those topless ones? 8 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,600 No, Chantelle. Keep your clothes on, and prepare for battle! 9 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,640 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. 10 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:35,760 Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer. 11 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,960 Er, where did you come from? 12 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,200 All the way from Harvard University, sunshine state of California, 13 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,200 reporting for duty, sir! 14 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,280 Yeah, we're doing the battle of Dunkirk, 15 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,640 which means you're about four years too early, mate. 16 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,360 You're doing humour. I love British humour. 17 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,520 COCKNEY ACCENT: Corgies with me majesty, m'lud? 18 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,080 Please can I have another crumpet! 19 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,640 All right, settle down, everybody. Take a seat. 20 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,720 (Is he fucking mental?) 21 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,600 Oi, Dick Van Dyke. What the hell are you doing here? 22 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,280 This is my class. 23 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,640 Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you? I'm here to take over Form K. 24 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:10,160 Er, no, you're not, these are my pupils. 25 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,840 Sorry, hombre. Not anymore. 26 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:17,240 Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre. I'm in charge around here. 27 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,560 I've got their respect. I'm like a god to them. 28 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,160 Sieg hiel, Bastian Schweinsteiger! 29 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,200 What? 30 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,680 Dunkirk was at sea. 31 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,240 'Welcome to Radio Frase. 32 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,600 'The chat quota of LBC,' 33 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:10,400 but with a host who was loved as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y! 34 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,120 Last one there gets a detention, unless it's Rem Dogg. 35 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:18,200 First announcement on the new Tannoy, check. 36 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,320 Felt weird without any trousers on. 37 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:24,040 Note to self - fake tan and white slacks don't mix... 38 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,200 The Tannoy's still on, isn't it? 39 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,760 FEEDBACK OVER TANNOY 40 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:31,120 'Just to clarify, I am wearing underpants.' 41 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,520 (Oh, God!) 42 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,800 Have you seen Pickwell? 43 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,080 God, when I see her I'm gonna give it to her with both barrels. 44 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,160 Dick. 45 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,920 Maybe a change will do you good? 46 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,760 Yeah, you would say that, cradle snatcher. 47 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,880 Alex is three years younger than you. We're happy. 48 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,120 Get over it. 49 00:02:58,120 --> 00:02:59,520 Did you have a fun weekend? 50 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,600 We went for a lovely, romantic meal. 51 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,160 A Happy Meal, was it? What toy did she get? 52 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,280 If anyone's a child here, it's you. Great. 53 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,040 Well, that means you can set me and Alex up on play dates. 54 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,520 Well, she does have some very fun toys. 55 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:13,920 Oh! 56 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:20,080 Hello, willkommen and awooga! 57 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:24,680 Item one. The school's got a couple of new furry friends. 58 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,880 And I'm not talking about the pair of puppies 59 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,800 Erica Tinkler's recently acquired. 60 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:32,960 Woof woof! # Who let the dogs out? # 61 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,800 Um, puberty let the dogs out. 62 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,920 It's normal for your bodies to change and grow. 63 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,640 In fact, the other day I thought I found a lump. 64 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,560 Don't worry, nothing cancerous, 65 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,040 turns out it was just a knot of dead skin in the old pork purse. 66 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,880 Rats. We've got rats. 67 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,560 Rats are really just big black mice, like Rastamouse. 68 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,400 So, don't be scared of them, 69 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,960 and please, please, please don't tell your parents. 70 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:06,560 Item two. The PE teacher has quit to become a tree surgeon. I know! 71 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,080 Email from his lawyer saying 72 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,320 something about operations on a yew tree. 73 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,840 Good luck to the guy. 74 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:15,320 Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's going to be taking over 75 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,960 the school's worst performing class, Special K... 76 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,120 um, Form K. 77 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,640 As the Archbishop of Banterbury, 78 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,720 I hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer. 79 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,520 Explosion, shrapnel. 80 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:39,000 That handshake is the best thing that's ever happened to me. 81 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,160 So, a little about me. 82 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,720 I just got back from Malawi, Africa, 83 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:49,400 where I was helping the victims of a savage civil war. 84 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,360 But I am sure as heck pretty darn excited to be here now 85 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,920 in Watford, United Kingdom. 86 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,800 OK, so I'm going to be teaching history, 87 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,600 and helping out with the gym class. 88 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,640 So I guess you're wondering what qualifies this guy to teach gym? 89 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:06,720 Yes. 90 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,240 Well, I did make a brief appearance at the Olympics 91 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,880 here in London, England, on Team USA. 92 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,240 Whoo! 93 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,680 What do you want? A medal? 94 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,080 I won gold with the coxless four. 95 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,000 CHEERING 96 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,920 Now I want to give you guys a taste of the good old US of A. 97 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,240 But I will leave the school food to you. 98 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,440 I'm not saying my students back home were chunky or anything, 99 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,240 but I could catch them skipping class on Google Earth. 100 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,000 LAUGHTER 101 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,960 Let's hope they keep the gun culture at home as well, mate. 102 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:42,880 We all know why they keep their kids so fat. Bigger targets. 103 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,280 MAKES GUN NOISES 104 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,000 High school massacres? 105 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:51,560 Am I right? 106 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,760 Yeah? 107 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,120 Come on - he's yanking your chain. 108 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,680 ENGLISH ACCENT: Gallows humour. 109 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:02,400 Throw him in the bloody Tower with Saint Arthur of the Round Lake. 110 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,240 Classic! 111 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:10,800 Someone lock this guy up in Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake? 112 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:14,880 Oh! Who's with me? I love Justin Timberlake. 113 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,200 Mr Wickers not with you? 114 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,680 Why, do you want him? 115 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,360 I don't "want" him. 116 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,960 I just thought he'd be yapping around your cankles 117 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:32,000 like some over-excited puppy that needs a good spade to the genitals. 118 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:38,560 Just to clarify, because I don't want you misreading any signals, 119 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:44,320 it may shock you to learn that a sexual carnivore like myself 120 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,320 was, for a spell, herbivorous. 121 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,960 Well, I don't understand a word of what you just said 122 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,720 but I'm guessing it's something to do with the fact 123 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,760 I've got a girlfriend? I understand your surprise now, 124 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:01,120 but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down the caper bush for ever. 125 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,040 Are you trying to flirt with me? 126 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:07,680 No! No, no, no. Women cannot live on pitta alone. 127 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,920 I need a little kofte in my kebab. 128 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,680 Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief to many, many men. 129 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,480 I want you to know that I am... 130 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,800 (back on solids.) 131 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,560 Phew. 132 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,720 We need to talk about Kevin. 133 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,360 You can talk to me about anything you want. 134 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,600 My door is so open, it's off its hinges. 135 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,720 Yeah, I get it. Very clever. 136 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,920 Why didn't you tell me I was losing my class? 137 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,680 After that fire at the swimming gala, 138 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,320 Pickwell has got my jolly pink giant by the scruff of its neck. 139 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:52,840 She said either I hire Kevin 140 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,760 or she reports me to various child welfare agencies, 141 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,840 none of which are mahusive fans of Super-F. 142 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,600 Well, I don't care where I have to take this fight - 143 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,240 I'm getting my kids back. 144 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:06,560 Oh, BT dubs, if you're planning a Fathers for Justice-style protest, 145 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,360 I've got wide a variety of superhero costumes you could borrow. 146 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,480 The only one I can't lend you is the Superman one. 147 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,920 Why not? 148 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,200 How long have you been wearing that? 149 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,600 Every day for four years. 150 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,160 In case I need to save the school bus. 151 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,760 Buttons, buttons... Buttons. 152 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,600 Right, look, you can't just give my class away. 153 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,680 Can too. Can not. 154 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,120 Can can, can can. I can do the can can. 155 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,880 Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and my class want me back. 156 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:48,520 They would take a bullet for me. Ha! I find that hard to believe. 157 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,640 What the hell is that? 158 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:57,640 OK. Right, you're aware this isn't Hogwarts? 159 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,480 Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers. 160 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,200 Why is there an owl on your arm? 161 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:07,560 Well, Mr Fraser's attempts to eradicate the vermin have been, thus far, unsuccessful, so... 162 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,440 An owl is the solution? 163 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,440 Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but some precious Red Tape Susan 164 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,480 said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and children are incompatible. 165 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:20,480 Hence, Rumsfeld and I are hunting rats - oh, and there's one in particular that's so grubby, 166 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,480 even turds retch as they glide past him in the sewer. 167 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,560 OK, well, I assume I'm that rat in that little pooey analogy of yours. 168 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:29,960 But let me tell you this, there is 169 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,120 absolutely no way on Earth that I'm going to stand by and watch you... 170 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,680 Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to meet your new form now? 171 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:37,920 Fine. 172 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,680 I'm teaching 2J? Putting me in there is like 173 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:47,680 putting Justin Bieber on the main stage at Reading. 174 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,040 They'll murder me. 175 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,240 Remember - don't look them in the eye. 176 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,720 Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just marking their territory. 177 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,320 As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... 178 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,840 I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left 179 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,480 Cos I've been laughin' and blastin' 180 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,000 So long that even my momma thinks that my mind is gone. 181 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,400 I didn't know you were a Coolio fan! 182 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,040 It's the Bible. Psalm 23. 183 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,880 Whatever. It's definitely Coolio. 184 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,840 It's a tune, though, I'll give you that. 185 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,640 Oh, I forgot to mention, they're studying this. 186 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,440 Right. 187 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,200 Listen up, you little bastards. 188 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:32,200 Before we begin, I want to make one thing crystal clear. 189 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,960 I could kick the shit out of you in a fight. 190 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,600 And don't think that I wouldn't just because you're smaller than me 191 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,560 and some of you are little girls. 192 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:52,520 Any questions? No. Thought not. 193 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,680 Beowulf, chapter one. 194 00:10:55,680 --> 00:11:00,800 In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun pur-pon diddly dee di 195 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,600 diddle-um dee didly dom... 196 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,120 SCREAMING 197 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,760 Six minutes, 17 seconds. 198 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,840 They're monsters! They're 11. Just think of it as babysitting. 199 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,200 I'm not a babysitter. 200 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,280 No, of course you're not. They are babysitting you. 201 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,120 I see visions of me dead. Lord, are you there? 202 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,320 The Bible? 203 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,360 Tupac. 204 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,640 No, please! 205 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,240 A little orphan looked up at me and said... 206 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,080 Nicola Berti's been stabbed! 207 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,640 Don't worry, I know first aid. 208 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,200 She's bleeding out by the school gates. Go, quick! 209 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,960 Go. Go. 210 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,440 Okie-dokie, time for a little chat. 211 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,560 Is Nicola going to die? 212 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,000 Nicola? 213 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,840 Oh, no, that was just something I said 214 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,000 to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth. 215 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,920 Gullible! So not LOL, sir. 216 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,280 What's that? 217 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,240 Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon for Protect The Rhino. 218 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,440 Protect The Rhino? They're basically dinosaurs! 219 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,640 I think they can look after themselves. 220 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,680 I have been thinking long and hard about how I'm going to get you back. 221 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,280 I have considered every possible option - 222 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,720 and I'm going to need one of you to say that Kevin touched you. 223 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,040 A little fiddle. Anyone? 224 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,120 Oh, God, you guys are so square! 225 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:33,200 Joe? Your new haircut's given you a kind of choirboy vibe. 226 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,720 They tend to dig that look. 227 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:35,960 No way. 228 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:40,760 I just want my class back. What am I going to do? 229 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,040 Cut and run? Take me to France, sir. 230 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:47,200 Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux, let the man-hunt begin. 231 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,440 Come and get us, Interpol. 232 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,720 I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir. Shoot. 233 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,560 Right, we're going to need a van, some cable ties and an alibi. 234 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,400 Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your parents' honeymoon. 235 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,800 We have to get rid of Kevin somehow. He's such a dick. 236 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:01,920 Isn't he? 237 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:09,480 Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's actually pretty rad. 238 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,080 Rad? Who are you? 239 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,680 Look, what has this guy got that I haven't? 240 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,960 Timetables. Abs. Dress sense. A penis. 241 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,320 Mr Schwimer went to college with Ashton Kutcher. 242 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,560 So what? Give a shit? I've got celebrity friends, too. 243 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,840 My friend Atticus Hoye was on Total Wipeout. 244 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,920 Mr Schwimer's a pro skater, sir. He invented his own trick. 245 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,240 What else has he done? Turned water into wine? 246 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,160 He's teetotal. 247 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,720 Jesus! As if he couldn't get any creepier! 248 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,800 Kids, if I can teach you one thing about life, 249 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,880 never trust a man that doesn't drink. 250 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,760 Has Kevin just been peacocking all morning? 251 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,880 I mean, has he actually taught you anything? 252 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,240 The English kings and queens. 253 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,840 All of them? That's impossible. 254 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,880 Five, six, seven, eight... 255 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:58,040 Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee, Harry, Dick-John, Harry three, 256 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,440 one two three Neds, Richard two, Harrys four five, six, then who? 257 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,320 Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys seven-eight, Ned the Lad, 258 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,760 Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie, Charlie, James again, 259 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:11,040 William Mary, Anna Gloria, Four Georges, William and Victoria, 260 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,360 Edward seven next, and then George the fifth in 1910, 261 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,120 Ned the eighth soon abdicated then George the sixth was coronated, 262 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:22,920 and if you've not lost your breath, give a cheer for Elizabeth. 263 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,480 THEY CHEER 264 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:32,160 Meh? When would you actually use that? 265 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:35,200 I teach you transferable life skills, 266 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,080 like the rap from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! 267 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,960 In West Philadelphia, born and raised... 268 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,280 Please, not again. 269 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,880 Stop it. 270 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,000 Oh! 271 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,200 Please help me! I hate 2J! 272 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:56,040 One of them made me... fellate a Pritt Stick. 273 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,840 My mouth's still gluey. 274 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,560 LAUGHTER 275 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,440 Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell? Flirt your way out of it. 276 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,000 You can practise on me, if you like. 277 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,880 Please, Chantelle! 278 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,920 I would have to try literally everything 279 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,520 before I resorted to flirting with Pickwell. 280 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,760 Hey, Izz. You're looking pretty fit today. 281 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,520 How do you get that lovely natural glow to your skin? 282 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:28,080 Pumice and bleach. What do you want? 283 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,040 Just wanted to ask you a question. 284 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,040 Are you from Tennessee? 285 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,240 Cos you're the only ten-ah-see. 286 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:45,240 Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib, 287 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,760 turn my onesie into a twosie? 288 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,440 Hey, was your dad a thief? 289 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,320 No, he was a butcher in East Kilbride. 290 00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:00,160 Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes. 291 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,880 Was your father a surgeon, because he stole the brain of an ape 292 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:07,880 and put it into the body of a hairy little girl. 293 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:13,040 Come, come, Iso-bel, there's no need to be like that. 294 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,240 (Oh, silly me.) 295 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:23,720 GROANS 296 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,160 30 minutes. Me on top. 297 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,160 Penetrative. 298 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,320 Those are my terms, Mr Wickers, 299 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,120 should you wish to screw your way out of this. 300 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,680 Oh, and biting. 301 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:45,880 Lots and lots of biting. 302 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,360 # Look at me, I just can't believe 303 00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,480 # What they've done to me 304 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,880 # We could never get free 305 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,040 # I just wanna be I just wanna be 306 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,320 # Look at me, I just can't believe 307 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,360 # What they've done to me 308 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:14,000 # We could never get free I just wanna be 309 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,200 # Look at me 310 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,280 # I just can't believe 311 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:28,000 # I just wanna dream, dream... # 312 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,800 Yo, alpha male! 313 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,440 Hey, you know Kevin DJs? He's coming round mine later. 314 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,360 I'm gonna play my mash-up of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers. 315 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,480 It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan. Are you in? 316 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,480 Oh, God, no, I can't. 317 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,000 I've got to go home tonight and run a bath to slit my wrists in 318 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,680 because someone gave my class away to some stupid American that 319 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:49,480 they've all fallen in love with and I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J. 320 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,160 Why have you got a recorder? 321 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,320 Well, I read this article 322 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,800 written by a freelance pest control expert in Germany. 323 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:55,960 From what I could gather, 324 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,800 his method for drawing the rats away from the villagers was this... 325 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:03,440 The Pied Piper? 326 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,640 Yeah, the Pied Piper! You know him? Hm! 327 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,000 Mitchell, what are you guys doing? 328 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,560 I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend Mr Schwimer his skateboard. 329 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,640 ENGLISH ACCENT: Oi, catch the rugger ball, Jonathan Wilkinson. 330 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,680 Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick? 331 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:28,040 Er, I can't. No, I mean, with my knees! 332 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,880 I mean, they're just in super real bad shape, you know, 333 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,240 after the marathon. 334 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,240 Don't be a pussy, sir! Yeah, go on, sir! 335 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,520 I bet you're amazing at it. I'll do a trick. 336 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,160 Well, yeah! Yeah, Mr Wickers will do the trick! 337 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,240 Can you skate? 338 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,920 Tony Hawkes, intermediate. 339 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,640 Gaming don't make you a skater, you melt. 340 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,280 Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit for breakfast, Mitchell. 341 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,200 Just give me the board, dickhead. 342 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,800 And stand back, kids - 343 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,880 this school's insurance policy doesn't cover blown minds. 344 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,560 Hash-tag this shit gonna be cray. 345 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,200 This shit gonna be 50 shades of cray. 346 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,920 Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers! 347 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,400 Oh! Oh, shit! 348 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,000 You OK, buddy? 349 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,600 Am I dead? 350 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:45,080 Oh, Mother Theresa, where did it all go wrong? 351 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,560 Sir? 352 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,240 Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others? 353 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,560 Mr Schwimer's friend from the British Museum 354 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,360 lent him some weapons and armour. 355 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,320 They're all outside doing a Civil War re-enactment. 356 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,480 Class Wars? Is nothing sacred? 357 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,440 I need to talk to you about something. 358 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,600 It's all right. I understand. 359 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,440 I have to let you go. Just promise me this. 360 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,960 Don't ever let that man patronise you. 361 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:24,360 Look! My suffragette glove puppets! Please give me the vote. 362 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,240 Watch out for the horsey! 363 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,360 Listen. Mr Schwimer isn't who he says he is. 364 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,080 Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie, 365 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,600 he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth Junior the Third. 366 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,720 But he isn't perfect! 367 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,280 Look at this photo. Something's not right. 368 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,440 Look. 369 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,120 Oh, my god. The jogger behind him has a semi. 370 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,040 No, Mr Schwimer. 371 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,600 Mr Schwimer's got a semi? 372 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:54,840 The hand! 373 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:59,360 That's a wedding ring - and it's a ladies arm. 374 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,160 Mr Schwimer isn't married... or a lady. 375 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,280 I knew there was something wrong with him from the start. 376 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,560 It's his eyes, right? Too close together. 377 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,680 No! He said he went to Harvard, California, 378 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,400 but Harvard's in Massachusetts. 379 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,840 And did you see how reluctant the pro skater was in doing a trick? 380 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,960 Why are you helping me, Jing? 381 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,120 Because I love this class. It's just not the same without you. 382 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:25,280 You're an idiot, but you're also a nice, kind man. 383 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,120 Let's destroy this bastard's life. 384 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,480 It's mash-up time, dedicated to my new best buddy, 385 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,120 two time Superbowl winner, Mr Schwimer. 386 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:39,680 MUSIC PLAYS OVER MONTAGE 387 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:02,520 And one of my ancestors actually fought in the Battle of Agincourt. 388 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,200 Oi! Kevin. 389 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,400 Yo, G. 390 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,920 Mr Wickers to you, mate. 391 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,200 It's time you confessed. 392 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,760 Let me see your arms. 393 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:10,800 My arms? 394 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:15,000 Oh, mi lud, stick a shilling up me chuffer! 395 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,200 This is another one of your dry, British irony jokes, right? 396 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,080 Stop trying to rape Mr Schwimer, sir. 397 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:21,760 Shut up, Mitchell! 398 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:24,800 Are those your arms? 399 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,160 Yes. 400 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,360 They look pretty feminine to me. 401 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:29,640 I have slim arms. 402 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,680 Slim, hairless, married ladies' arms? 403 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,480 Yes. Oh, funny that, 404 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,880 cos didn't you win a gold medal in the Olympic rowing, right? 405 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,160 Um... 406 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,560 The US team won bronze, and you weren't in it. 407 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,400 I don't even remember saying that. 408 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,080 You're not a pro skater, or a DJ. 409 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,120 Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi. 410 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,520 Don't bring the war into this! You weren't there, man. 411 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:58,120 No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because there wasn't a civil war in Malawi. 412 00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:59,840 You're a pathological liar. 413 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,400 So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to say for yourself? 414 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,440 Spit it out. We're all ears. 415 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:14,200 Sure, I exaggerate a bit. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. 416 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,360 I just wanted you to like me. 417 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:21,560 Oh, God, a teacher craving his pupils' approval? 418 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,920 Pathetic. Go on, piss off. 419 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,400 So it was all lies? 420 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:27,760 You never won the Superbowl? 421 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,200 You don't know Ashton? 422 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,440 I'll never meet Demi. 423 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:32,720 It's all fake. 424 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:38,160 The stories, the Harvard education, this stupid plastic armour. 425 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,080 What? Yeah, these shitty little toy guns. 426 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,720 Please be careful! Those are actually antique. 427 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,880 Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a buddy at the British Museum! 428 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,600 GUNSHOT THEN SCREAMING 429 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,200 Argh! 430 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,920 SHOUTING 431 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,160 They were loaded! Are you insane? 432 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,840 They weren't supposed to be fired! 433 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,240 You shot him in the arse! Brilliant! 434 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,760 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 435 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:04,120 Don't worry, Joe, it's just a little flesh wound. 436 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,640 HELP! HELP! 437 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,000 Someone go and get help. Does anyone know first aid? 438 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:10,480 I do. Really? 439 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,320 No. Oh, Jesus! 440 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,480 Sir, you're meant to suck the bullet out. 441 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,280 No, you idiot, you're meant to piss on it. 442 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,000 That's jellyfish, you tit! Wait - that is jellyfish, right? 443 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,440 Lie on your front. 444 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,920 No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it, I'm desperate, anyway. No, sir! 445 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,400 Joe, just a quick one. 446 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,960 You know the way your mum's not a massive fan of mine, 447 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,400 if she asks about this - she might not - 448 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,600 could you maybe tell her that you sat on the bullet? Argh! 449 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,600 Wrong moment. 450 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,480 Help! HELP! Sir literally gave him a new arsehole. 451 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,600 Why is no-one coming? Pass me the other gun! 452 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,240 Gonna put him out of his misery, sir? 453 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,960 No, distress signal. Give it here. 454 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:49,960 GUNSHOT 455 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,640 SCREECHING 456 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:56,640 Oh, shit. Rumsfeld! 457 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,680 Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead, please don't be dead. 458 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,120 One two, one two. 459 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,800 Come on, Rumsfeld. Don't fly towards the light. 460 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,760 Pickwell's coming. Oh, no! 461 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,600 SHE MOUTHS 462 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:16,000 Right, if anyone asks, Kevin fired the guns. 463 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,720 Yup. Sure. Definitely. That's a lie! 464 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,000 Is it a lie? Or am I just exaggerating? 465 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:22,720 My baby! 466 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:23,960 I heard gun shots! 467 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,560 The man of steel is here to save the day. 468 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:31,680 Are you OK, sweetheart? 469 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,160 My bum hurts. 470 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,360 Not for the first time. 471 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:37,920 Keep pressure on the wound. What have you done? 472 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:44,160 It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver. I fired the gun by mistake. 473 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,280 See, you told me my kids wouldn't take a bullet for me, but... 474 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,200 Joe's a hero, miss. He threw his arse in front of the bullet! 475 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,240 Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. 476 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,520 Forget about the boy! Rumsfeld! 477 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,320 This man has lied about everything! 478 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,040 Except for the bit about shooting Joe. I'm a fraud. 479 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,440 But what about my mash-ups? You said you liked them? 480 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,720 I didn't really. 481 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,360 You're dead to me. 482 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,760 When we confronted him, he freaked out and turned the gun on Joe. 483 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,800 And then he reloaded to shoot your pigeon. 484 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,400 I have a problem. I can't help lying. 485 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,840 I say one thing and then it just spirals. 486 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,360 BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: I'm not even from America. I'm from Birmingham. 487 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:24,920 Not even Birmingham, actually. 488 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:30,160 Dudley, near Tipton, you know, off the A4123. 489 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,840 Sorry, everyone. 490 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,960 Now I've been honest, can we be buddies? I've got a jetpack. 491 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,000 I flew to France on it, all the way... Brrrrrr! 492 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,680 D'you want to have a go? 493 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:40,800 I'll have a go. 494 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,120 He's lying again, isn't he? 495 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:47,760 If you ever set foot on these premises again, 496 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,200 I will personally send you back to Dudley piece by piece. 497 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,800 Starting with these. 498 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,120 Does this mean we get Mr Wickers back? 499 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:02,560 I think it does. 500 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:04,400 Yes! 501 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,040 That's right, kids, Daddy's back for good. 502 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:12,040 And I will never, ever let you get put in danger again 503 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,240 because I am here to protect you, children. 504 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:19,720 23rd October, 1942. The tank battle of El-Alamein. 505 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,600 Rommel, ready? 506 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,760 Monty, ready? 507 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,920 Three, two, one! 508 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,520 Oh, fuck! 509 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,400 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd