This programme contains adult humour
Look, I know how much you hate the idea of Celia and I being an item.
It was moment of madness.
One too many glasses of rose, the red mist descends and,
before you know it, you're giving an old friend a...knee-trembler.
Right, stop the car.
Pull over.
I miss the touch of a woman, Alf. Celia made me feel so alive.
Her eyes, her touch, her musk.
If it's any consolation, it didn't last long.
She gave my prostate the once over. Apparently, it's tip-top.
Hey, Rosie! I, er, got you a little present.
Oh, friendship bracelet?
It's just a silly little thing,
to remind you that I'll always be here for you,
no matter what, for ever more.
It's no biggie.
You cut it off, I die.
Thanks.
Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving the drugs counsellor a lift,
and they're stuck on the M25, so we might need a back-up plan.
It's drugs awareness day? AKA doss day!
Show the kids a couple of pictures of a dead junkie, and then chill out.
Well, I've actually prepared a proper presentation on drugs...
Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore.
Leave it to the most senior member of staff.
No, it's fine, Celia. I'm going to talk about drug mules,
and the Taliban, and the US government...
Woo, yeah! You go, sister!
I blame Starbucks. Mmm.
No, Israel.
Lizards?
Really, Rosie, take a well-earned break.
Read a fashion magazine.
Flesh tones can be so brutally honest.
I am fully equipped to give this talk.
Well, maybe you'd like to borrow a pair of these...
It's a talk, Celia, not Customs.
Well, it seems a shame for them to go to waste.
Alfred, I've already given your father's a once-over,
would you like me to test your prostate?
GLOVES SNAP
What's happened?
It's his parents.
They're taking me away from Abbey Grove.
They say it's not academical enough.
What? You...you can't leave!
Have your parents even seen the league tables?
What, the league tables in which we're ranked
below two orphanages and a kennels?
They want me to become some boring lawyer.
Sir, are you and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo?
Yeah. I mean, she's split up with Alex, and I reckon I've got
just about enough time to seduce her before she remembers her self-worth.
Going to give her a knob to cry on, sir? Oh, no, sorry Mitchell.
I think your mum's consoling herself on it tonight.
Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver
to persuade my parents to let me stay here?
Er, why can't I persuade them?
Cos you'll mess it up, Sir. But I'm great with parents!
Every time you see my parents, you insist on taking your shoes off.
Yeah. And I bow. Respectful.
SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN
Oh, xie xie. Ni hao.
When my mum came in to talk about me bunking off school,
you asked her if you could use a clamp.
Yeah, well it's either that or putting the whole school on stilts.
But Miss Gulliver's really persuasive.
Persuasive?
Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be inspired to be a lawyer,
look no further, my friend.
Last year I took on BP, only one of the world's largest corporations,
and I thrashed them, on my own, in a court of law.
How much did you win? Well, I didn't win any actual money,
but you know the Wild Bean Cafe in Tring?
They now have to have a sign on their coffee machine which reads,
"Please do not drink directly from the nozzle."
So, my place tonight, hang out, listen to a bit of reggae music?
You don't like reggae.
Er, Ollie Murs?
Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to see anyone yet.
I wasn't asking you out!
Hey, if you need any help with your presentation,
don't be afraid to ask,
cos, obviously, I know quite a lot about drugs.
You took one anti-depressant when you heard that 5ive had broken up.
5ive'll make you get down.
Yeah, well, you're still not that qualified. Oh, really?
My friend Atticus Hoye once took me to a poppers den.
You don't get a den for poppers. Well, that shows how much you know.
All these naked guys injecting themselves with poppers
by sitting on these big rubber needles.
Atticus, he couldn't get enough of it.
You know what they say, once you pop you just can't stop.
So if you, er, change your mind about tonight...?
I won't. Well, you might.
I absolutely won't. Absolutely might.
OK, guys, so there's going to be no history class today.
THEY CHEER
I'm going to do my drugs presentation,
followed by a question and answer. I got a question, Miss. Yep?
Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk
if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh?
Yep. I sincerely doubt it.
Oh, man!
Does anyone want some Femfresh?
Oh, yeah. I'll take it.
My flat gets really smelly.
Do you even know what Femfresh is?
It's...like Febreze, right?
Yeah, it makes your curtains smell nice!
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
OK, guys. OK, calm down. That's enough.
Now, can anyone ima...
imagine how hard life must be for Maria,
a drug mule from Mexico?
Whoa, yeah!
If I was eating Mexican food every day,
I don't think I'd be able to keep ANYTHING in my ass.
LAUGHTER
What do people like Maria need?
Hair straighteners? Look at the split ends on that!
True dat. And maybe some make-up to sort out this car crash.
No, no.
What people like Maria need is our respect.
Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted.
Your drugs counsellor...has arrived!
Oh, no, no, no, no, cos I'm in the middle of my drugs talk.
Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G,
but I have a professional up my wizard's sleeve!
Guys, meet India.
HE MOUTHS
Namaste.
I'm India.
Hi. Alfie.
Teacher, leader...
legend.
India, you say?
Land of the pyramids.
I'm something of a sphinx-er myself.
Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'?
OK, so I cotch for the drugs counselling service
called Vibesline.
We're an advice pipeline
you can use to freebase non-judgmental advice...
I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl? ROSIE SCOFFS
Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch.
Basically, if it's vibesing,
chillax and ride the wave.
SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN
She calls me that, too.
It's Chinese for "leader of the blind,
"up the great mountain of wisdom."
Sort of...roughly.
Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to you about the dark side of drugs.
SHE CLICKS FINGERS
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
OK, yah! You're having a massive night!
The sun is coming up! You are totally chunged.
MUSIC CONTINUES
INHALER HISSES
SHE CLICKS FINGERS
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
But the good times are over.
Now we have to deal with the terrible consequences
of substance abuse.
You can't find your Oyster card. It's a long walk back to Chiswick.
(Where's Chiswick?)
You, you lost an earring your grandmother left you in her will.
That is 45 minutes looking for it on your hands and knees,
using your phone as a torch.
And you...
you kissed the guy who runs the deli you go into every day.
Fraser, this is nonsense.
Nonsense?
Mmm. FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE.
Sorry, "negatude"?
"Negative attitude." It's a mashup.
Yeah, it's a mashup.
Get with the times, Marple.
That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
I actually thought India was kinda good.
I'm talking about you. "Teacher, leader, legend."
Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary". Look, I just...got into her vibe.
I know exactly what you want to get into.
Are you jealous? Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"?
You sound JELICULOUS.
"Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup.
You should stop doing that. You're beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT.
Oh, that is so uncalled-for!
Hey!
Oh, soz, bit of a domestic?
A domestic? No, we're not a couple.
No, don't worry, I'm single.
I'm young, dumb and full of com...
..fortable silences.
Do you want to hit the canteen, maybe?
Oh, it's pathetic.
Come on, let's go and have a "lovely lunch",
a LUNCH...
It...it was meant to be a mashup...
It's OK. OK.
Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard.
Things got pretty messy in Ibiza. Which club?
Club Med. I went on the water slides straight after lunch.
My dad went ballistic.
That was one frosty pedalo home.
SHE LAUGHS
My parents don't want to talk to Miss Gulliver, sir,
they only want to talk to you. Very sensible.
Why are you dressed as a Scottish widow?
Because this is my last day at Abbey Grove!
PHONE RINGS
Oh, 'scuse me.
I am bothered, but I think this girl actually likes me!
What a slut.
Everything that I love is being torn away from me.
And I appreciate that.
It's just that you're also being a little bit of a cock-block.
Look, I'll call your dad as soon as lunch is over.
I promise you, I won't let him take you away.
Come on, babes.
Yep.
OK, so that was my mate, Savannah.
Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight.
This guy called Ben Grayson runs it...
Ben Grayson? Yeah, his brother Frank's at this school.
Could he get us on the guest list?
Us?
What, like we're on a date?
Well...why not?
Well, yeah! I'll give him a call now.
Oh, answerphone.
Yo, Frankenstein!
Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here, Wicky-wicky-wickers...
Um, I was just wondering, bro, whether there was any chance
I could just bum a couple of ticky-boos to the old rave-age?
(Guest list.) Guest list-age?
Anyway, give me a bell back, bro.
Laters. Love you. I don't love you.
Bye.
So, if...if we go to this rave tonight,
are you going to take anything, to like, you know, help you through?
Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to be dancing until the break of dawn,
I will probably need to take my supportive insoles.
No, no.
(Drugs.)
But I thought you were clean?
Only 9-5.
If you get me on the guest list, things could get messy.
Oh, they're going to get messy.
I'll probably cover myself in...shit.
My sister, Mortadella, took this legal high, right,
which made her think she could freeze time
and lick it like a lolly.
Sure, that's, erm...
..Dirty...
Viennetta.
It's like getting a hand-job off Aslan.
Can you get some for tonight? Hell, yeah.
Me, you, Havana,
Ugly and Cous Cous are going to get absolutely mashed.
PHONE RINGS
Is that Frank? Amazing!
Yo! What's up, motherlover?
I cannot wait to get into yo' club,
bang some drugs, shake my...
jugs.
Oh...
Mr Carmichael.
Er, no, Stephen did not mention that you were going to call me directly.
(I'll be a sec.) I'm so sorry about that...
LAUGHTER
Yo, what's happening?
Did you, er, get my message about the guest list?
20 quid a bloke. Women go free.
Well, it's, er, me and my sexy date, so...
Well, that's 40 quid, then.
Yep. My date's a woman.
If I give you 40 quid, it's in no way a confession.
Also, er, my date wants to try a certain thing tonight...
Well, make sure he knows the safe word.
And I've heard you don't want to pull it out too quickly.
I'm talking about drugs.
Apparently, this drug makes you think that time is an ice cream?
Yeah. 50 quid a scoop.
Done.
HE GASPS
Did you just ask me to buy you drugs?
Yeah, well, obviously.
Oh, God.
You're blackmailing me, aren't you? Mmm. Yeah.
What do you mean, none of you sell drugs?
All I can say is that I am very, very disappointed in you.
Why do you need drugs, anyway?
Because I'm going on a date with India. Why can't you just buy 'em yourself?
Er, because, A, I'm a teacher,
B, Grayson stole all of my money,
and, C, I made the drug up in the first place,
so have you got any idea how ridiculous you sound?
Sir, apparently you spoke to my dad...?
Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry.
I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've sorted out this one very important thing.
Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to.. Chantelle, please. I must insist.
This is my thinking face.
That's why she didn't recognise it.
HE SNIFFS
Oh, boom squared!
Do you know what face this is Chantelle?
Is it your come... Don't even say that.
This is my "had a brilliant idea" face.
If I can't buy the drug, I'm going to make the drug.
Are you mad?
Come on. Drugs must be easy to invent. Look at meow meow.
That's fertiliser. It's just someone getting peckish in a garden centre.
Mitchell, you must know something about drugs?
Course I do. My brother spent so long in a Thai prison,
he come back speaking fluent Scouse.
All right. Well, you can be my head chef, my LS-Delia.
Now, we need someone to help with the science aspect...
Jing? No way.
What if I told you that this counted towards the community service element
of your Duke of Edinburgh Award?
It's either this or wiping an old guy's ass.
Fine. Yes!
Sir, Professor Green wants to see you.
Oh, could you tell Professor Green to go swivel on that.
No, I didn't mean that. No, don't tell her that!
I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes. Can you come back, please?!
Is anything troubling you at the moment, Alfred?
Hmm... No.
I saw you talking to Mr Grayson earlier.
Money exchanging hands.
I may look like a girl of 16... COUGHING: 60.
But I'm not a fool. I was buying tickets to a rave.
Big deal.
Alfred, I, too, have an addictive personality.
Your father...
I crave Martin Wickers.
I want to...
inhale him, snort him,
feel him racing through my veins and exploding inside me.
I'll help you with your problem.
You help me with your father.
There is absolutely no way on earth
I would ever let my dad go out with you.
And who's Martin more likely to believe, dear?
A deceitful, drug-addled son,
or the woman who's trying so hard to help?
Look, you better get this into your stupid, bunny boiling,
hobbity little head - I don't do drugs, OK?
You're either with me, or against me.
# We live life on the back of this melody
# Me and my friends spent life in plastic
# Brand new times and brand new happenings
# We get up to all kind of antics
# There's another one That's classic
# That's classic That's classic
# There's another one That's classic
# We get up to all kind of antics
# There's another one That's classic
# What you saying? Check That's classic. #
Oh, it smells disgusting!
She's never going to swallow that.
I could lower the pH down by neutralising the carbon substrate.
I've got a better idea.
Behold!
Dirty Viennetta!
Why do I bother?
Alfie, it stinks in here. What is that?
This, my old friend, is the new legal high,
that all the kids are talking about.
Please tell me you are not cooking drugs with children?
Oh, God, here we go again.
Throwing the rule book at me. What is it this time?
Page 20,000, rule 3 million, subsection B,
"Do not involve the children in the production of narcotics"?
Do you realise how irresponsible you're being?
Babe, you really need to chill out.
Maybe you should take a leaf out of India's book.
OK, and what book is that? Fifty Shades Of Bitch?
The Great Twatsby?
The...The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A...
Cod-Bohemian Dipshit?
OK, obviously the last of those is not a real book.
Is it?
Alfie, you, you have done some crazy stuff in your time..
Yeah, like falling in...
fond with you.
SHE SIGHS
Alfie, in the classroom just be a teacher, yeah?
And with women, just...just be yourself.
Be myself? Yeah.
Great, so you're so jealous that you want me to die a virgin?
Right, Mitchell, I can sense you sniggering.
Room for a little one, Mr Fraser?
Ah! No Mr Fraser here.
I'm Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs bear!
Bear? They didn't have any more bear costumes.
So you're... I'm...Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs prawn!
Conducting a drugs amnesty.
# Under the sea... #
I'm here on rather pressing business.
There's a young teacher at Abbey Grove who has become the victim
of a craven drug addiction.
If you're talking about me, I've only taken drugs once
and the ending was not a happy one.
I was weather-guarding some suede slacks
when I took in a lung-full of fumes.
I was completely off my head and thought I could fly.
It was an absolute disaster.
I forgot my passport, then I freaked out on the Gatwick Express.
I wish I'd weather-guarded the inside of those slacks.
I see I must act alone.
Goodbye, Mr Fraser.
I'll be seein' ya.
Alfie, this drug stuff has gone too far.
Oh, are you going to tell me this is the most stupid thing I've ever done?
Well, apart from when you bet your laptop that Jason Statham would win that Oscar.
Have you SEEN Transporter 3?
Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right.
OK, you've got a lot of great qualities,
and if someone can't see that, then they probably don't deserve you.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
What great qualities?
Well, you can speak Elvish.
Just "Where's the toilet?" "Can I have some tap water?"
It's barely restaurant Elf.
Well, I'm impressed.
So, what, you mean India might like me for who I actually am?
That I don't need to do this?
Hey, Albert, you want to hit up some chamomile tea?
Do I? You're teaching us history.
Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up of hostilities prior to the First World War.
Downton Abbey Series One's on my desk.
Shall we?
One Shitty Cornetto.
Dirty Viennetta?
Damn straight.
Jesus! That honks, man.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
How do we know if it's safe...?
Safe? Babe, I've been scooping this shit all day long.
HE GAGS
Oh, get in my face.
Right. Look, Albert... Alfie.
..I'm not sure about this shit.
Babe, we're going to have such a sick night.
Just got to ride the wave, man.
You're just too wild, bro.
Let's just drop it like it's hot.
HE RETCHES
HE VOMITS Oh, shit, man!
I'm sorry. You chundered on my vintage. Not cool.
"Sick" and "vintage",
SINTAGE. It's a mashup.
Oh, my God.
Am I wearing a really tight little hat?
MUSIC: "I Feel Free" by Cream
# Feel when I dance with you
# We move like the sea
# You
# You're all I want to know
# I feel free... #
# Under the sea Under the sea
# Darling it's better
# Down where it's wetter
# Under the sea... #
Oh, my God...
I'm a mermaid!
Alfie! There's a giant prawn...
I spoke to him in his own fishy language.
Alfie, you might want to come from under there...
Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel.
GIGGLING
DOG BARKS
Officers, this is Mr Wickers.
I'd begun to wonder where you'd got to.
Thank you for covering for me.
OK, kids, who can tell me why Lady Sibyl defied her father
and eloped with an Irishman?
"Begorrah, to be sure,
"I used to be a chauffeur but now I am a class traitor."
# Diddly dee dee dee dee dee #
Who trained this dog to walk underwater?
DOG GROWLS
It must be the work of this hag, Ursula, the sea witch!
Alfie, put the scissors down. Ow!
I need to look sexy for Prince Eric.
Alfie... Shush, Flounder.
Please, Sir, not the bra. My parents are coming. Is he OK?
No, I don't think he is. I think he's on drugs!
I've got to get Miss Gulliver!
Stephen, you need to help me with my hair.
Prince Eric prefers me when I'm auburn.
Sir, stop it!
And after Maria slew the Cordoba brothers,
she vowed never again to use her anus
as a receptacle.
Miss Gulliver, you've got to help!
Joe, I'm teaching a class here.
Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss.
I think he's eaten a Dirty Viennetta.
Well, Mr Wickers needs to learn how to look after himself.
But Pro Green's in there, Miss, and the police!
He'll lose his job. He could go to prison.
You know what, Joe? Maybe prison's the best place for him.
This whole thing with India, it's not about her.
It's about proving that he's over you, when he obviously isn't.
You know, after you two kissed last term
he told us that he had an erection that lasted for six hours and 23 minutes.
And do you know what? He didn't even...
deal with it, cos he thought it would cheapen the moment.
Plus, he refused to tell us what your boobs felt like
even though you were right up on him... All right, that's enough! Come on, let's go.
# Under the sea Under the sea
# Under the sea. #
Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy.
Why are you photographing him?
To prove this lost little boy needs a mother.
Now, I think we should take a urine sample.
Officers? I want a full toxicology report.
No, Ursula! I don't want your potion.
Uh-oh.
Prince Eric! You've come to save me from my captors.
Lord Trident forbids our union, but it feels so right.
What on earth's going on?! Mum, Dad, this isn't what it looks like.
HE GASPS My bra!
Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms!
We're leaving, Stephen. No, Stephen! Please, sir!
I don't want to leave my friends! Calm down, Princess Ariel!
But how can I be calm
when I'm going out with such a sexy little starfish?
We will conquer your demons
and restore peace to your watery kingdom,
if you just sit down on that bit of coral and stop what you're doing.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
APPLAUSE
Mr and Mrs Carmichael, officers, Professor Green,
erm, I hope you've enjoyed this role-play,
a radical educational tool pioneered by drug charity Vibesline.
Role-play? Mmm. The man's mad!
Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING like a pathetic, grotesque,
utterly irresponsible little man.
But those are the consequences of drug abuse.
Well, it's very realistic.
Mmm, and who in this class would ever touch a drug
after this performance?
I mean, obviously, if, if Alfie WAS high,
then the deputy head would have to fire him, and call the police
and explain to his father how she ruined his son's life for ever.
So it's a good thing that Alfie's acting. Right, Celia?
The wonderful thing about Mr Wickers is his commitment.
Whatever it takes to engage these pupils.
I'm so happy here, Dad. Please, let me stay?
Oh, come on, Richard, please?
OK, I'll think about it.
THEY CHEER
P-A-R-T-Y without me?
How very SHELLFISH of you.
DOG BARKS
Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh?
It's a good job you're not Jewish, Officer...
Finklestein.
Ursula, call off your sea dogs and let my prawn swim free!
Argh!
Show's over, Alfie.
Why didn't you want to come and swim with me?
The water's so lovely and warm.
Oh, my God.
Sir pissed himself!
Dad? What are you doing in here?
STRAINED: Oh... Hello, Alfie.
Just having a little sit down.
Can I see you in the car?
Oh, God! Dad!
Oh!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd