1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,160 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,640 Every year I'd explain to Miss Pickwell 3 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,520 that the Nativity is about Jesus being born, 4 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,760 not him being beaten, whipped and crucified in real time. 5 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,000 Yeah, she also went a little bit heavy with the Jew-bashing. 6 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,880 Pro Green was a shoe-in to replace her, but she's, er.... 7 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,840 On honeymoon with my dad, yes, I know. 8 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,240 I'm trying not to think about it. 9 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,000 My point is, there'll be no Xmas play unless you step up to the plate. 10 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,320 OK, Fraser, I'll tell you why I'm not going to do the play. 11 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,120 I was like everyone else... 12 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:59,000 when I was growing up, Nativities were the highlight of my Christmas. 13 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,000 And then, one year, I got the best part I'd ever got. 14 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,160 Joseph? 15 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,600 Mole 2. 16 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,000 Were there moles in the manger? Er, yes. 17 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,040 My mum promised that she'd come and watch me... 18 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,920 And I went out on stage, do you know what I saw? 19 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,480 Nothing? Moles are blind. No... 20 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,120 My mum's empty chair. 21 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,280 And that poor little mole just wanted to burrow down into the ground and disappear. 22 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,160 But look, you don't have to do a Nativity! 23 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,480 It's time for a non-denominational show. 24 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,840 Give a shout out to "all de religion"! 25 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,360 Hey, but don't forget mine. 26 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,080 I'm a Belieber! 27 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,600 Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist. 28 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,360 Actually, technically, I think I'd be Bl-agnostic. 29 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,400 I mean, I'd slag him off 30 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,120 but if he walked in the door now, I'd be all over him like a rash. 31 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,440 Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled a big one from his gag sack. 32 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,200 Kill me. Hey, you've got to get Stephen involved! 33 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,120 That guy knows how to put on a show. 34 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,160 Remember his one-man Precious? 35 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,080 # Take a look at me now... # 36 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,800 Superb! 37 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,080 Fiddler on the Heath? 38 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,120 # Cos I gotta have faith 39 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,440 # I gotta have faith... # 40 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:15,600 Barnstorming. 41 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,440 And that biopic of Cheryl Cole... 42 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,760 # If it's worth having 43 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,560 # It's sure enough worth dying for... # 44 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:25,960 Libellous. 45 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,440 Anyhoo, question, remember how you sent your end-of-term reports via text? 46 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,240 Yeah, one of my best ideas ever. 47 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,600 Yeah, well, the school governors don't seem to think so. 48 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:35,640 Dicks! 49 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,680 They're quite keen for me to fire you. 50 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,480 But you put on this play, 51 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,840 and I'll save your heiney 52 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,320 by throwing this ass in front of the governors' spanking hands. 53 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,120 All right. I'll do your shitty little play. 54 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,000 But, just so you know, I hate Christmas shows. 55 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,920 We have done some perfectly good stuff earlier in the year, 56 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:57,440 and now we have to ruin it by cobbling together some under-thought through festive bollocks 57 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,360 with a load of shit Christmas music. 58 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,720 # I don't want a lot for Christmas 59 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,640 # This is all I'm asking for 60 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:10,080 # I just wanna see my baby 61 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,360 # Standing right outside my door 62 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,360 # I just want you for my own 63 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,560 # More than you could ever know 64 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,520 # Make my wish come true 65 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,560 # All I want for Christmas is you. # 66 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,480 Who got me a ticket to West Ham? 67 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,880 I'm Millwall till I die. 68 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:37,520 OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker and five of you have voted for Robocop. 69 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,880 So we're doing the Nutcracker? 70 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,200 Oh, someone's changed their tune on democracy. 71 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,000 But you're forgetting, Jing, I also get a vote. 72 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,320 So what are we going to do? 73 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:51,920 Got it. 74 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,280 That's our play. 75 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,800 Robocracker? 76 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,360 Does that exist? Not yet, my friend. Not yet. 77 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,000 Oh, God, we've read your scripts before. 78 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,200 What do you mean, "Oh, God"? You don't really do subtlety, do you? 79 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,320 Er, subtlety can lick my balls and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert. 80 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,800 I'll just go on Wikipedia, bosh out a plot mash-up. 81 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,600 That's not going to work. Er, yes, it will. 82 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,360 What's the best film of the last 20 years? 83 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,000 Saw 4. Saw 5. 84 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,920 Hunger Games. Meet the Fockers. Lolita. 85 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,680 Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing, 86 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,440 but the correct answer is Alien Vs Predator. 87 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,920 A plot mash-up. 88 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,120 Mate, if my dad finds out I've been on stage, he'll cut me out the will. 89 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,520 So you won't have to inherit his shitty tracksuits? 90 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,120 That makes two of us! You won't be getting your mum's clothes, cos they're all over my bedroom floor! 91 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,280 Guys, stop being mean about each other's families. 92 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,600 Your parents are all so supportive of you. 93 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,360 You might not realise it now, 94 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:56,000 but you won't appreciate how much they love you, until your mum's gone... 95 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,160 ..to live in Spain, with Javier and their children. 96 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,480 Gay! 97 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,160 Come on, sir. 98 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,480 You write your masterpiece, I'll help you organise auditions. 99 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:11,760 Thanks, Jing. 100 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,760 Oh, and I forgot to say, we have to give a shout out to all the religions. 101 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,840 Christianity, Buddhism, Islam... what's China, Jing? 102 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,760 Predominantly atheists. So, what, you don't get to do Christmas? 103 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,240 That seems a bit unfair considering you make all the toys. 104 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,400 That's like the elves not having it. 105 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,240 Did you just compare...? 106 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,520 On the subject of presents, Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's? 107 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,680 Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of his mates owns a donkey sanctuary. 108 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,440 You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey? Adopting her a donkey. 109 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,160 You know, she loves animals... and they're a lot cheaper than snow leopards. 110 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,120 BELL RINGS OK, spread the word. 111 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:46,480 Casting's at break, so pick your own audition pieces and choose them wisely. 112 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,840 # Right, so loud and proud You hearing it 113 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,480 # It's Christmastime and we got the spirit... # 114 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:55,840 OK, Stephen, what scene from Flashdance are you doing today? 115 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,600 All of it. All of it? 116 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,560 You've only got a minute. Just shut up and press play. 117 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,600 MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara 118 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,960 And who are you? 119 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,160 Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit? 120 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,200 I can read your mind, bruv. 121 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,360 Yeah, sure. 122 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,080 What am I thinking now? 123 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,480 Tits. 124 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:28,840 Tits! 125 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,480 How does he do it? 126 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,440 MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara 127 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:48,080 So, Chantelle, where have you taken your scene from? 128 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:49,840 Basic Instinct. 129 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,280 Basic Instinct...? 130 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,680 Oh, my God! Do not move your legs! 131 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,720 MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara 132 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,800 Obviously, you're in the play. That was amazing. 133 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,760 Sorted. 134 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,520 We still only have one good actor. 135 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,600 Yeah, that's all you need. One good one, 136 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,000 then you don't realise how terrible the other ones actually are. 137 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,280 It's like the Kardashians. Really? Yeah, as a triptych, fit. 138 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,040 But you take Kim out of the equation, 139 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:36,840 Kourtney suddenly looks like she should be sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats. 140 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:44,440 Now, look, Frank, there's no need to take the piss... 141 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,720 I've come to audition, innit? 142 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,360 Your dance was, like, good and shit. 143 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,280 Oh, thanks, babes. 144 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,720 Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered. 145 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:58,080 Well, OK, um...in your own time. 146 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,680 This is going to be perfect, Jing. 147 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,680 He'll be like Plan B, all moody but with an amazing talent 148 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,680 hidden between the urban, slightly stabby facade. 149 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,320 Where is my Romeo? 150 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,480 What's here? A cup, closed in my love's true hand? 151 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,680 Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. 152 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,440 He sounds like he's taking a shit. 153 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,320 I will kiss thy lips... 154 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,960 OK, right, good. 155 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:31,080 Er... so, let's start with the positives. 156 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,360 Volume. 157 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,400 It was very loud. 158 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:40,680 I heard every word, as I think did the whole of Hertfordshire. 159 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,280 So what part am I going to play? 160 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:47,640 Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are a lot of really great actors out there. 161 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,520 What part? I'm afraid, there isn't a role for you... 162 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,240 What... part? 163 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,680 The lead? What? The co-lead. 164 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,960 Yes, like in Rush Hour. 165 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,840 Thanks, Jing. 166 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,160 Nice save. 167 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,520 You all right, sir? 168 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,200 I'm snow-K, you? 169 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,480 Yeah, not too bad. 170 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,960 Yours-elf? 171 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,680 Oh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and Banter! 172 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,080 Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number, please, sir? 173 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,440 It's on the toilet wall. Yeah, I tried that one. It weren't real. 174 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,360 Sorry, why do you want it? I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise. 175 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,240 Genuinely nice? Yeah. It's Christmas. 176 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,280 I want to invite her to Mr Wickers' play. Wow! 177 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,840 Do you know what, hustler, I think I'm going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me. 178 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,120 Although Alfie's not seen her in years. 179 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,160 Well, you've got to convince her then. Make something up. Right-oh. 180 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,080 Hello, is that Mrs Wickers? 181 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,800 Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires! 182 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,560 Yes, it's Mr Fraser here. 183 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:50,920 Alfie's... 184 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,760 ..been in a horrific car crash. 185 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,360 # Yo-ho-ho, take out the coal 186 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,760 # Get the cutest feelings from working the ho... # 187 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,080 OK, so this is Robocracker. 188 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,640 In a world without hope, lived an angry maladjusted delinquent boy. 189 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,400 That is you, Frank. 190 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,840 Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker. 191 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,600 That's you, Stephen. 192 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,640 Christmas miracle, Robocracker's alive! 193 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,960 And him and the delinquent boy set about to bring peace to the world. 194 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:28,480 Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA? 195 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,080 You can't win a BAFTA for a theatre show. 196 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,240 All the parts are cast, except for the role of the villain... 197 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,320 North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un. 198 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,560 Oh, who, oh, who could play that part? 199 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,320 You want me to play an overweight middle-aged North Korean man? 200 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:50,440 Er, no, Jing, we're not talking about a lazy stereotype here. 201 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,360 We are talking about a three-dimensional, very rounded character, 202 00:10:54,360 --> 00:11:00,800 a very rounded sort of, chubby oddball loner... 203 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,080 Just give me the script. 204 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,680 Joe, you are going to make a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim. 205 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:07,560 How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker? 206 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,840 Because Kim Jong-un wants to capture Robocracker 207 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,000 so he can use his robotic heart to power a missile that can destroy the world. 208 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,000 Only when he gets hold of the heart, he realises it's not robotic, 209 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,800 it's actually the heart of a real boy. 210 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,280 It's actually very obvious if you think about it, Jing. 211 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,920 Thank you, sir, it's beautiful. 212 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,760 Why can't we just do Shakespeare? 213 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,160 For the same reason that I don't watch Question Time. 214 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,560 Because it's boring, confusing and the audience laugh at a load of jokes 215 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,800 that no normal person would ever understand. 216 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,960 So, how do we create a loyal, trusting, happy environment? 217 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,400 Everyone get naked? 218 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,480 No. 219 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,000 What we do is we all lie on the floor, and then take turns to roll over each other. 220 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,320 Pick a partner. 221 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,600 I'll take Joe. 222 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,960 When you're ready, just over you go. 223 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,320 Nearly there, big guy... 224 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,080 Oh, my back! 225 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,200 Argh! 226 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,600 Rem Dogg! 227 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,040 Is it my go, sir? No, no... 228 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:20,480 Trust me, sir! 229 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,000 Where are you going? 230 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,280 Trust me! 231 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,000 Hello. 232 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,920 Er, we were just doing a trust exercise. 233 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,320 Right. 234 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:40,360 Er, I was wondering who's coming on our special outing this evening? 235 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,400 Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask! 236 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,520 Er, guys, do any of you want to go with Miss Gulliver... 237 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,920 And Mr Wickers. And me... 238 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,000 to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen? 239 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,960 I'm not going tramp-wanking. 240 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,120 Er, there's no wanking involved, Mitchell. 241 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:00,640 Is there? 242 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,680 Why would we wank off tramps? 243 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,480 To keep them warm? 244 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,320 Does anyone want to volunteer? 245 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,480 The thing is, Rosie, er, we're kind of doing this play, 246 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,800 so we don't really have much spare time. 247 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,760 Plus, I don't speak Scottish, so me and tramps don't really... 248 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,040 Alfie, I am going to make you stick to your promise. 249 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,560 Well, I'm sorry, I have to do this play. 250 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,240 I need to get the governors back on board. 251 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,760 So I'm afraid on this occasion I am putting my foot down. 252 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,320 UNINTELLIGIBLE MUTTERING 253 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,680 Isn't this fun? 254 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,680 Aren't you glad I made you come? 255 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,920 Yeah! 256 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,360 Gie us some Bucky, pal! 257 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,360 Bucky? It's alcohol. 258 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:54,240 Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve soup in this soup kitchen. 259 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,360 Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard, 260 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,720 gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up in a ditch, you toff buftie! 261 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:04,600 OK, is that Scottish for, "Yes, please, with croutons"? 262 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,960 WOOF! WOOF! 263 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,120 Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me whit tae dae! 264 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,160 You're nae the boss o' me, ya doss radge dug. 265 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,880 Ah, what a lovely doggie! 266 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,440 What's his name? 267 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,640 Er... 268 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,960 "If found, please call 020..." Och, numbers. 269 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,480 What an odd name to give a dog. 270 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,400 No, no, he's no' mine. 271 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,800 I stole him aff some numpty-heided bastard who tried tae gie me a doin' in the street. 272 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,960 How awful. 273 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,960 Aye, he came at us wi' a stick! Eh, eh! But I got it off him. 274 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,920 Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney. 275 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,840 I'll sell it tae youse if ye like, yeah, no? 276 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,480 Got these an' all. 277 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,200 Brand-new, like. 278 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,560 Sir! 279 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,480 Aren't tramps lovely? 280 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,360 # Merry Christmas, merry Christmas 281 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,600 # But I think I'll miss this one this year 282 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,440 # Merry Christmas, merry Christmas 283 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,680 # But I think I'll miss this one this year... # 284 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,640 Sir, what sort of donkey do you want, a boy or a girl? 285 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,160 Just whatever looks cutest. 286 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:08,560 But, Robocracker, how can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to? 287 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,840 Never fear, Frank, because I happen to be best friends with Bono! 288 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,120 And then you hug him. 289 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,640 I'm not hugging any blokes. 290 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,640 Lads, can I gie ye a wee bit of advice? 291 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:26,800 Think of yourselves as blank canvases on to which your characters' motivations are projected, 292 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,120 ye ken what I'm saying? 293 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,800 Sorry, what do you know about drama? 294 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,080 What don't I know about drama, you, ya jobby-jabber! 295 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:36,920 Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right, but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake! 296 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,920 See back in the day, I was one of the most famous actors in my generation. 297 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,280 Really? 298 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,520 You name it, I've done it. 299 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,920 Corporate videos, part in Taggart, even done a run at the RSC... 300 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:53,440 ..and then the work dried up, worse than a swamp donkey's fud. 301 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,080 I can only imagine what that is. 302 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,480 Aye, Ah hit the Bucky, Ah hit the wife, 303 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,760 Ah hit the streets, living rough, begging for booze money. 304 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,000 And then, aye, then things got really bad. 305 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,120 Did you get into heroin? 306 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,800 I got into Hollyoaks. 307 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:17,280 # Santa Claus is coming to town... # 308 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,600 Ah, Mrs Hegarty. Hi. Good evening. 309 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,280 Ah! Mr Bonehead, so pleased you could make it. 310 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,920 Where's the bar? I need a drink. 311 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,080 Ah, who invited those guys? 312 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,800 I did. I thought you'd like it. 313 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,320 I get that they're homeless, right, but they could have made a bit of effort. 314 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,760 That guy over there's not even got any shoes on. 315 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,200 Now this is what I'm talking about. 316 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,880 A tramp that's made a little bit of bloody effort. 317 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:50,240 Yeah, sure you've kept the old clunge sponge, but at least you've found yourself a suit! 318 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,440 HE SNIFFS You've had a wash. 319 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,280 And...you're a governor. 320 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,160 Mr Hardside. 321 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:02,760 I've just remembered now... I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening. 322 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,400 Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick. 323 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,360 How are we going to explain her son's sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup? 324 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:17,720 Our options are: a) Christmas miracle or two) actually maim Alf. 325 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:18,920 No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir. 326 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,840 Me Dad's got a load of these left over from making whiplash claims. 327 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,800 He's saving up for a car. Brill-cream! 328 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,200 Mr Wickers! Go! 329 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,680 We need to get everyone inside. Alf, quickly, you need to put this on. 330 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,160 Elf 'n' safety! 331 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,520 Get it? 332 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:35,240 But seriously, narrators can get hurt doing all that reading. 333 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,920 Argh! 334 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:48,000 God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar. 335 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:54,600 Arsene Wenger, balls-bis hiya waya! 336 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:59,280 Little bit of housekeeping, this school does have toilet facilities. 337 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,320 That one was mainly aimed at the gentleman at the back. I can see you. 338 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,720 Get tae fuck! 339 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,840 And a very merry Christmas to you, sir. 340 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,560 Over to you, Mr Wickers. 341 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,920 Drop it like it's hot. 342 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,480 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 343 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,840 It was the night before Christmas 344 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:23,960 and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 345 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,680 Oh, get off me, you bell-end! 346 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:30,160 Our hero is Frank, a ten-year-old boy. 347 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,440 Why aren't you wearing your costume? 348 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,800 I'm not wearing tights, man. 349 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:40,120 Oh! Frank's parents are poor, no presents today, 350 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,480 unless...hark! 351 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:47,840 What is this? It is Santa with reindeer and sleigh! 352 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,680 "Ho ho ho! 353 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:53,800 "I'll fetch Frank's presents," Santa did say, 354 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,720 as he stroked on his beard and got out of his sleigh. 355 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,240 I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead! 356 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:07,440 As one of his reindeer went to fetch the present whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh. 357 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,000 Let me out. 358 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,280 I can't breathe! Day turned to night. 359 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,680 And then night turned to day. 360 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,960 Why did I bother getting out of bed? 361 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,360 Frank did say, very loudly. 362 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,080 Let me out! This is shite! 363 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,240 What did you say? 364 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,680 But under the tree... I can't breathe! 365 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,200 ..What's this that Frank spies! 366 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,160 It's Robocracker. 367 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,200 Frank can't believe his eyes! 368 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,640 HE SCREAMS 369 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,080 Are you all right? 370 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,920 I couldn't breathe in that box! 371 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,640 Frank makes a wish that Santa does hear, 372 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,480 "Make this doll come to life 373 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,920 "and I'll stop drinking beer behind the bike sheds 374 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,200 "and being a massive bully 375 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,040 "and constantly going on about how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school." 376 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:02,880 FYI the only person that's ever touched my bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once, 377 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,960 when we were at the Eden Project, this one time. 378 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,520 Gay! 379 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,840 Mitchell, you can't heckle your own show. 380 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:18,640 Frank and his friend set out on a quest, until they'd helped everyone, they would not rest. 381 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,520 Who wrote this shite? 382 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,640 I've seen jobbies come out of my arse with better structure than this. 383 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,720 CLASSICAL MUSIC 384 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,080 Argh! 385 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,680 No! This is my solo. 386 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,960 I can't see anything in this stupid helmet! Oi, sir! 387 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,480 Mitchell, come here! 388 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,120 It's so unprofessional. Pull your trousers up! 389 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,520 Get off! 390 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,120 Mitchell, stop it! 391 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,200 Get off. You idiot! 392 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,000 Interval! 393 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,040 Meanwhile, in Jerusalem... 394 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,960 I called shotgun on the Holy Land, you wanktard. 395 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,320 Oh, do one! Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye! 396 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,840 I'm going to pin you down and teabag ya. 397 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,400 Come on, get the cogs in here. 398 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,440 Not even in the script. 399 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,400 But here comes Robocracker. 400 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:07,120 He has an idea of a neutral shared city in a two-state solution, 401 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:11,960 which he will explain through the medium of expressive dance. 402 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,440 # Come a little bit closer, baby... # 403 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:17,600 That's right. 404 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,880 It's now time for the Tolerance Dance! 405 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,640 # ..When two become one 406 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:29,360 # I need some love like I never needed love before 407 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,920 # I wanna make love to ya, baby 408 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:36,160 # I had a little love Now I'm up for more 409 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,200 # I wanna make love to ya, baby 410 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,040 # Set your spirit free 411 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:45,080 # It's the only way to be 412 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,240 # It's the only way to be... # 413 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,360 Yeah, Robocracker brings everyone together. 414 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,080 It's a miracle! 415 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,160 Ah, it's in my bloody eye. 416 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,720 It's a miracle! 417 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:20,000 They've put an end to heartache and loss, 418 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,520 but now our brave pair must take on the boss. 419 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,120 I'll get you, Robocracker! 420 00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:30,680 No, you shan't for I am a real boy! 421 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,080 BOOM! 422 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:42,600 SCREAMING 423 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,320 Where is my Romeo? 424 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,840 Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. 425 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,680 I will kiss thy lips... 426 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,720 happily some poison yet doth hang on them. 427 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,920 Thy lips are warm. 428 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,000 Let me die! 429 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,040 Alas there's no hope, no treatment, 430 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:23,400 no drug, as Robo's life fades away, Frank bids adieu with a hu... 431 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,000 Hug! 432 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,840 In the script it says hug. 433 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,600 COUGH! 434 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,000 But what's this? 435 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:44,800 Robocracker has been reincarnated and finally he's a real boy! 436 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,880 The end! 437 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,360 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 438 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,200 Come on, you lot. Out you get. 439 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,360 Haven't you got homes to go to? 440 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,160 Well done. 441 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,640 Oh, thank you. 442 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,600 Fair do's. 443 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,400 Your narrative arc was engaging, 444 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:31,840 but the pleasurable representations dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing 445 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,520 that they are portraying. You know what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite? 446 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,600 Oh, I'll bear that in mind for next time. 447 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,680 My brave little baby! 448 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:43,920 Mummy. 449 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,120 I can't believe you came. 450 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,760 We came as soon as we heard about the accident. 451 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,600 The accident? Me... 452 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:58,320 ..forgetting to put her invite in the fricking post, that accident! 453 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:02,280 You invited my mum? Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea. 454 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,640 Don't go soppy on me, Dickers. 455 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,040 And Uncle Javier is here too! 456 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,480 Great, Uncle Javier. 457 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,640 I've really missed him. 458 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,000 Oh, me valiente hombre. 459 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:22,000 Alfie, Uncle Javier is so proud of you. 460 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,760 We're going to find the men who put you in this chair, and we're going to make them pay. 461 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,080 Can someone stop Fernando Torres trying' to bum me? 462 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,320 Javier, that's not Alfie. 463 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,920 This is... Hi. 464 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,720 Hey. 465 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,200 I knew it. 466 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,720 It was a little joke. 467 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:52,280 Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl I've been telling you about. 468 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,400 Rosie. 469 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,480 It's so nice to meet you. 470 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,720 So will you be staying for Christmas? 471 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:09,480 We are going to stay until little Alfie is better. 472 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:13,400 We better head to Alfie's classroom for Christmas dinner! 473 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,400 Who wants turkey! 474 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,120 So did you get the West Ham ticket? 475 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,000 Oh, you got me that? 476 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,080 So do you want to go? 477 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,560 All right, yeah. 478 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:36,160 I mean, it don't mean nothing or, like, whatever... 479 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,720 You can give up that act now, babes. 480 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,600 Guess what I done with them crackers? What? 481 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,240 Swapped the jokes. 482 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:44,760 Here's one for you. 483 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,240 What do nine out of ten people enjoy? 484 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,040 Gang ra... 485 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,920 Rawr! 486 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:57,720 An impression of a lion. 487 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,800 Excuse me, ladies and gents. 488 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:07,280 Er, just going to go down the hallway to only use your lavatory. 489 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,280 Er, so, thank youse. 490 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:18,000 Aw, Bonehead's got his life back on track. 491 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,320 Your play really helped him. 492 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:25,040 I just think it's great that we've been able to show him the bigger picture. Mmm. 493 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:30,080 Oh, I got you a tiny silly little present thing. 494 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:33,000 Mitchell, how's that donkey coming along? 495 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:34,880 It arrived from Romania about an hour ago. 496 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,160 Oh, amazing. 497 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,080 Have you got the certificate? What certificate? 498 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,720 Right, here's half the donkey. 499 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,520 The rest I gave to the kitchens. 500 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,520 I figured you couldn't eat it all. 501 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,480 Alfredo, this meat is lovely! It's so bloody moist! 502 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,040 B-Buble! 503 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:06,200 Does this mean we can listen to it every day until Christmas? 504 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,360 I guess I must really love you. 505 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:12,320 # Oh, the weather outside is frightful 506 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:16,080 # But the fire is so delightful 507 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,680 # And since we've no place to go 508 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,120 # Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... # 509 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,160 Sir's got a boner! 510 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:28,200 Mitchell!