This programme contains some strong language.
Every year I'd explain to Miss Pickwell
that the Nativity is about Jesus being born,
not him being beaten, whipped and crucified in real time.
Yeah, she also went a little bit heavy with the Jew-bashing.
Pro Green was a shoe-in to replace her, but she's, er....
On honeymoon with my dad, yes, I know.
I'm trying not to think about it.
My point is, there'll be no Xmas play unless you step up to the plate.
OK, Fraser, I'll tell you why I'm not going to do the play.
I was like everyone else...
when I was growing up, Nativities were the highlight of my Christmas.
And then, one year, I got the best part I'd ever got.
Joseph?
Mole 2.
Were there moles in the manger? Er, yes.
My mum promised that she'd come and watch me...
And I went out on stage, do you know what I saw?
Nothing? Moles are blind. No...
My mum's empty chair.
And that poor little mole just wanted to burrow down into the ground and disappear.
But look, you don't have to do a Nativity!
It's time for a non-denominational show.
Give a shout out to "all de religion"!
Hey, but don't forget mine.
I'm a Belieber!
Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist.
Actually, technically, I think I'd be Bl-agnostic.
I mean, I'd slag him off
but if he walked in the door now, I'd be all over him like a rash.
Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled a big one from his gag sack.
Kill me. Hey, you've got to get Stephen involved!
That guy knows how to put on a show.
Remember his one-man Precious?
# Take a look at me now... #
Superb!
Fiddler on the Heath?
# Cos I gotta have faith
# I gotta have faith... #
Barnstorming.
And that biopic of Cheryl Cole...
# If it's worth having
# It's sure enough worth dying for... #
Libellous.
Anyhoo, question, remember how you sent your end-of-term reports via text?
Yeah, one of my best ideas ever.
Yeah, well, the school governors don't seem to think so.
Dicks!
They're quite keen for me to fire you.
But you put on this play,
and I'll save your heiney
by throwing this ass in front of the governors' spanking hands.
All right. I'll do your shitty little play.
But, just so you know, I hate Christmas shows.
We have done some perfectly good stuff earlier in the year,
and now we have to ruin it by cobbling together some under-thought through festive bollocks
with a load of shit Christmas music.
# I don't want a lot for Christmas
# This is all I'm asking for
# I just wanna see my baby
# Standing right outside my door
# I just want you for my own
# More than you could ever know
# Make my wish come true
# All I want for Christmas is you. #
Who got me a ticket to West Ham?
I'm Millwall till I die.
OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker and five of you have voted for Robocop.
So we're doing the Nutcracker?
Oh, someone's changed their tune on democracy.
But you're forgetting, Jing, I also get a vote.
So what are we going to do?
Got it.
That's our play.
Robocracker?
Does that exist? Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
Oh, God, we've read your scripts before.
What do you mean, "Oh, God"? You don't really do subtlety, do you?
Er, subtlety can lick my balls and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert.
I'll just go on Wikipedia, bosh out a plot mash-up.
That's not going to work. Er, yes, it will.
What's the best film of the last 20 years?
Saw 4. Saw 5.
Hunger Games. Meet the Fockers. Lolita.
Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing,
but the correct answer is Alien Vs Predator.
A plot mash-up.
Mate, if my dad finds out I've been on stage, he'll cut me out the will.
So you won't have to inherit his shitty tracksuits?
That makes two of us! You won't be getting your mum's clothes, cos they're all over my bedroom floor!
Guys, stop being mean about each other's families.
Your parents are all so supportive of you.
You might not realise it now,
but you won't appreciate how much they love you, until your mum's gone...
..to live in Spain, with Javier and their children.
Gay!
Come on, sir.
You write your masterpiece, I'll help you organise auditions.
Thanks, Jing.
Oh, and I forgot to say, we have to give a shout out to all the religions.
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam... what's China, Jing?
Predominantly atheists. So, what, you don't get to do Christmas?
That seems a bit unfair considering you make all the toys.
That's like the elves not having it.
Did you just compare...?
On the subject of presents, Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's?
Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of his mates owns a donkey sanctuary.
You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey? Adopting her a donkey.
You know, she loves animals... and they're a lot cheaper than snow leopards.
BELL RINGS OK, spread the word.
Casting's at break, so pick your own audition pieces and choose them wisely.
# Right, so loud and proud You hearing it
# It's Christmastime and we got the spirit... #
OK, Stephen, what scene from Flashdance are you doing today?
All of it. All of it?
You've only got a minute. Just shut up and press play.
MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara
And who are you?
Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit?
I can read your mind, bruv.
Yeah, sure.
What am I thinking now?
Tits.
Tits!
How does he do it?
MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara
So, Chantelle, where have you taken your scene from?
Basic Instinct.
Basic Instinct...?
Oh, my God! Do not move your legs!
MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara
Obviously, you're in the play. That was amazing.
Sorted.
We still only have one good actor.
Yeah, that's all you need. One good one,
then you don't realise how terrible the other ones actually are.
It's like the Kardashians. Really? Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
But you take Kim out of the equation,
Kourtney suddenly looks like she should be sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats.
Now, look, Frank, there's no need to take the piss...
I've come to audition, innit?
Your dance was, like, good and shit.
Oh, thanks, babes.
Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered.
Well, OK, um...in your own time.
This is going to be perfect, Jing.
He'll be like Plan B, all moody but with an amazing talent
hidden between the urban, slightly stabby facade.
Where is my Romeo?
What's here? A cup, closed in my love's true hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
He sounds like he's taking a shit.
I will kiss thy lips...
OK, right, good.
Er... so, let's start with the positives.
Volume.
It was very loud.
I heard every word, as I think did the whole of Hertfordshire.
So what part am I going to play?
Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are a lot of really great actors out there.
What part? I'm afraid, there isn't a role for you...
What... part?
The lead? What? The co-lead.
Yes, like in Rush Hour.
Thanks, Jing.
Nice save.
You all right, sir?
I'm snow-K, you?
Yeah, not too bad.
Yours-elf?
Oh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and Banter!
Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number, please, sir?
It's on the toilet wall. Yeah, I tried that one. It weren't real.
Sorry, why do you want it? I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise.
Genuinely nice? Yeah. It's Christmas.
I want to invite her to Mr Wickers' play. Wow!
Do you know what, hustler, I think I'm going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me.
Although Alfie's not seen her in years.
Well, you've got to convince her then. Make something up. Right-oh.
Hello, is that Mrs Wickers?
Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires!
Yes, it's Mr Fraser here.
Alfie's...
..been in a horrific car crash.
# Yo-ho-ho, take out the coal
# Get the cutest feelings from working the ho... #
OK, so this is Robocracker.
In a world without hope, lived an angry maladjusted delinquent boy.
That is you, Frank.
Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker.
That's you, Stephen.
Christmas miracle, Robocracker's alive!
And him and the delinquent boy set about to bring peace to the world.
Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA?
You can't win a BAFTA for a theatre show.
All the parts are cast, except for the role of the villain...
North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un.
Oh, who, oh, who could play that part?
You want me to play an overweight middle-aged North Korean man?
Er, no, Jing, we're not talking about a lazy stereotype here.
We are talking about a three-dimensional, very rounded character,
a very rounded sort of, chubby oddball loner...
Just give me the script.
Joe, you are going to make a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim.
How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker?
Because Kim Jong-un wants to capture Robocracker
so he can use his robotic heart to power a missile that can destroy the world.
Only when he gets hold of the heart, he realises it's not robotic,
it's actually the heart of a real boy.
It's actually very obvious if you think about it, Jing.
Thank you, sir, it's beautiful.
Why can't we just do Shakespeare?
For the same reason that I don't watch Question Time.
Because it's boring, confusing and the audience laugh at a load of jokes
that no normal person would ever understand.
So, how do we create a loyal, trusting, happy environment?
Everyone get naked?
No.
What we do is we all lie on the floor, and then take turns to roll over each other.
Pick a partner.
I'll take Joe.
When you're ready, just over you go.
Nearly there, big guy...
Oh, my back!
Argh!
Rem Dogg!
Is it my go, sir? No, no...
Trust me, sir!
Where are you going?
Trust me!
Hello.
Er, we were just doing a trust exercise.
Right.
Er, I was wondering who's coming on our special outing this evening?
Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask!
Er, guys, do any of you want to go with Miss Gulliver...
And Mr Wickers. And me...
to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen?
I'm not going tramp-wanking.
Er, there's no wanking involved, Mitchell.
Is there?
Why would we wank off tramps?
To keep them warm?
Does anyone want to volunteer?
The thing is, Rosie, er, we're kind of doing this play,
so we don't really have much spare time.
Plus, I don't speak Scottish, so me and tramps don't really...
Alfie, I am going to make you stick to your promise.
Well, I'm sorry, I have to do this play.
I need to get the governors back on board.
So I'm afraid on this occasion I am putting my foot down.
UNINTELLIGIBLE MUTTERING
Isn't this fun?
Aren't you glad I made you come?
Yeah!
Gie us some Bucky, pal!
Bucky? It's alcohol.
Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve soup in this soup kitchen.
Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard,
gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up in a ditch, you toff buftie!
OK, is that Scottish for, "Yes, please, with croutons"?
WOOF! WOOF!
Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me whit tae dae!
You're nae the boss o' me, ya doss radge dug.
Ah, what a lovely doggie!
What's his name?
Er...
"If found, please call 020..." Och, numbers.
What an odd name to give a dog.
No, no, he's no' mine.
I stole him aff some numpty-heided bastard who tried tae gie me a doin' in the street.
How awful.
Aye, he came at us wi' a stick! Eh, eh! But I got it off him.
Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney.
I'll sell it tae youse if ye like, yeah, no?
Got these an' all.
Brand-new, like.
Sir!
Aren't tramps lovely?
# Merry Christmas, merry Christmas
# But I think I'll miss this one this year
# Merry Christmas, merry Christmas
# But I think I'll miss this one this year... #
Sir, what sort of donkey do you want, a boy or a girl?
Just whatever looks cutest.
But, Robocracker, how can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to?
Never fear, Frank, because I happen to be best friends with Bono!
And then you hug him.
I'm not hugging any blokes.
Lads, can I gie ye a wee bit of advice?
Think of yourselves as blank canvases on to which your characters' motivations are projected,
ye ken what I'm saying?
Sorry, what do you know about drama?
What don't I know about drama, you, ya jobby-jabber!
Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right, but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake!
See back in the day, I was one of the most famous actors in my generation.
Really?
You name it, I've done it.
Corporate videos, part in Taggart, even done a run at the RSC...
..and then the work dried up, worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
I can only imagine what that is.
Aye, Ah hit the Bucky, Ah hit the wife,
Ah hit the streets, living rough, begging for booze money.
And then, aye, then things got really bad.
Did you get into heroin?
I got into Hollyoaks.
# Santa Claus is coming to town... #
Ah, Mrs Hegarty. Hi. Good evening.
Ah! Mr Bonehead, so pleased you could make it.
Where's the bar? I need a drink.
Ah, who invited those guys?
I did. I thought you'd like it.
I get that they're homeless, right, but they could have made a bit of effort.
That guy over there's not even got any shoes on.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
A tramp that's made a little bit of bloody effort.
Yeah, sure you've kept the old clunge sponge, but at least you've found yourself a suit!
HE SNIFFS You've had a wash.
And...you're a governor.
Mr Hardside.
I've just remembered now... I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening.
Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick.
How are we going to explain her son's sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup?
Our options are: a) Christmas miracle or two) actually maim Alf.
No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir.
Me Dad's got a load of these left over from making whiplash claims.
He's saving up for a car. Brill-cream!
Mr Wickers! Go!
We need to get everyone inside. Alf, quickly, you need to put this on.
Elf 'n' safety!
Get it?
But seriously, narrators can get hurt doing all that reading.
Argh!
God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar.
Arsene Wenger, balls-bis hiya waya!
Little bit of housekeeping, this school does have toilet facilities.
That one was mainly aimed at the gentleman at the back. I can see you.
Get tae fuck!
And a very merry Christmas to you, sir.
Over to you, Mr Wickers.
Drop it like it's hot.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
It was the night before Christmas
and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Oh, get off me, you bell-end!
Our hero is Frank, a ten-year-old boy.
Why aren't you wearing your costume?
I'm not wearing tights, man.
Oh! Frank's parents are poor, no presents today,
unless...hark!
What is this? It is Santa with reindeer and sleigh!
"Ho ho ho!
"I'll fetch Frank's presents," Santa did say,
as he stroked on his beard and got out of his sleigh.
I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead!
As one of his reindeer went to fetch the present whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh.
Let me out.
I can't breathe! Day turned to night.
And then night turned to day.
Why did I bother getting out of bed?
Frank did say, very loudly.
Let me out! This is shite!
What did you say?
But under the tree... I can't breathe!
..What's this that Frank spies!
It's Robocracker.
Frank can't believe his eyes!
HE SCREAMS
Are you all right?
I couldn't breathe in that box!
Frank makes a wish that Santa does hear,
"Make this doll come to life
"and I'll stop drinking beer behind the bike sheds
"and being a massive bully
"and constantly going on about how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school."
FYI the only person that's ever touched my bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once,
when we were at the Eden Project, this one time.
Gay!
Mitchell, you can't heckle your own show.
Frank and his friend set out on a quest, until they'd helped everyone, they would not rest.
Who wrote this shite?
I've seen jobbies come out of my arse with better structure than this.
CLASSICAL MUSIC
Argh!
No! This is my solo.
I can't see anything in this stupid helmet! Oi, sir!
Mitchell, come here!
It's so unprofessional. Pull your trousers up!
Get off!
Mitchell, stop it!
Get off. You idiot!
Interval!
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem...
I called shotgun on the Holy Land, you wanktard.
Oh, do one! Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye!
I'm going to pin you down and teabag ya.
Come on, get the cogs in here.
Not even in the script.
But here comes Robocracker.
He has an idea of a neutral shared city in a two-state solution,
which he will explain through the medium of expressive dance.
# Come a little bit closer, baby... #
That's right.
It's now time for the Tolerance Dance!
# ..When two become one
# I need some love like I never needed love before
# I wanna make love to ya, baby
# I had a little love Now I'm up for more
# I wanna make love to ya, baby
# Set your spirit free
# It's the only way to be
# It's the only way to be... #
Yeah, Robocracker brings everyone together.
It's a miracle!
Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
It's a miracle!
They've put an end to heartache and loss,
but now our brave pair must take on the boss.
I'll get you, Robocracker!
No, you shan't for I am a real boy!
BOOM!
SCREAMING
Where is my Romeo?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
I will kiss thy lips...
happily some poison yet doth hang on them.
Thy lips are warm.
Let me die!
Alas there's no hope, no treatment,
no drug, as Robo's life fades away, Frank bids adieu with a hu...
Hug!
In the script it says hug.
COUGH!
But what's this?
Robocracker has been reincarnated and finally he's a real boy!
The end!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Come on, you lot. Out you get.
Haven't you got homes to go to?
Well done.
Oh, thank you.
Fair do's.
Your narrative arc was engaging,
but the pleasurable representations dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing
that they are portraying. You know what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite?
Oh, I'll bear that in mind for next time.
My brave little baby!
Mummy.
I can't believe you came.
We came as soon as we heard about the accident.
The accident? Me...
..forgetting to put her invite in the fricking post, that accident!
You invited my mum? Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea.
Don't go soppy on me, Dickers.
And Uncle Javier is here too!
Great, Uncle Javier.
I've really missed him.
Oh, me valiente hombre.
Alfie, Uncle Javier is so proud of you.
We're going to find the men who put you in this chair, and we're going to make them pay.
Can someone stop Fernando Torres trying' to bum me?
Javier, that's not Alfie.
This is... Hi.
Hey.
I knew it.
It was a little joke.
Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl I've been telling you about.
Rosie.
It's so nice to meet you.
So will you be staying for Christmas?
We are going to stay until little Alfie is better.
We better head to Alfie's classroom for Christmas dinner!
Who wants turkey!
So did you get the West Ham ticket?
Oh, you got me that?
So do you want to go?
All right, yeah.
I mean, it don't mean nothing or, like, whatever...
You can give up that act now, babes.
Guess what I done with them crackers? What?
Swapped the jokes.
Here's one for you.
What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
Gang ra...
Rawr!
An impression of a lion.
Excuse me, ladies and gents.
Er, just going to go down the hallway to only use your lavatory.
Er, so, thank youse.
Aw, Bonehead's got his life back on track.
Your play really helped him.
I just think it's great that we've been able to show him the bigger picture. Mmm.
Oh, I got you a tiny silly little present thing.
Mitchell, how's that donkey coming along?
It arrived from Romania about an hour ago.
Oh, amazing.
Have you got the certificate? What certificate?
Right, here's half the donkey.
The rest I gave to the kitchens.
I figured you couldn't eat it all.
Alfredo, this meat is lovely! It's so bloody moist!
B-Buble!
Does this mean we can listen to it every day until Christmas?
I guess I must really love you.
# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
# But the fire is so delightful
# And since we've no place to go
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... #
Sir's got a boner!
Mitchell!