1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:08,560 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:11,000 It's summer term, bitches! 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,280 THEY WHOOP 4 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,080 Rem Dogg, are you in drag? He's gone emo. 5 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,960 Oh, God! 6 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,560 Now, how did the holiday reading go, guys? 7 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,960 What? I gave you Game Of Thrones. 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,880 Why would we read a book and ruin the fiercest TV show ever? 9 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,680 And it's not on the history syllabus. 10 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,600 Well, it should be. It's basically the Tudors with dragons and tits. 11 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,080 Ooh! 12 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,840 Ying, it would appear that you've forgotten to do the register. 13 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,320 "Once you enable me, you negate me." Kierkegaard. 14 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,000 Oh, wait a sec. 15 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,600 Hollow eyes, black polo neck - 16 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,920 I believe Ying is having a little teenage existential crisis! 17 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,160 You don't understand. Oh, I do. 18 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,920 My friend Atticus Hoy did this on our leavers' trip to Normandy - 19 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,400 read a book by a Frenchman, 20 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,000 ended up head-butting a horse just for the feeling. 21 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,760 Which book? SHE LISTS FRENCH TITLES 22 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,240 Asterix. 23 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,280 Right, enough with the doom and gloom. 24 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,320 Krispy Kremes for one and all. 25 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,600 Chantelle, I have prepared ripostes for cream fillings, 26 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,720 sticky rings and glazed muffin tops. 27 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,680 I'm busy. 28 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:17,080 Good! Well, that's the spirit. Exam term, guys. 29 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,280 Oh, God! He's in a hat. Let's get this over with. 30 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,280 HE GASPS He's doing a Britney! 31 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,640 Are you ill or racist? 32 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,240 I kept getting nits. 33 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,200 Mum said this was the only way. It's awful. 34 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,520 It's not awful. I prefer it shaved. 35 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,000 I'll take note of that. I thought you were working. 36 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,880 Couldn't resist. It's all right, babe. Have a doughnut. 37 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,680 I can't. I'm on a vegan diet. 38 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:47,080 Guys, have you been kidnapped by puberty? 39 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,560 You've all...changed. 40 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,920 W-W-Willy wanker. 41 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,520 Right, my dad's just nicked an iPad 42 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,960 so he's chucking out all his old porn. Who wants what? 43 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,920 Sweet Mitchell. 44 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,320 My rock. 45 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,680 What's this lame-ass meeting about? 46 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,840 Fraser wants us to meet the new deputy head. 47 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,880 Hey, for our flat, why don't we get a foosball table? 48 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,680 Because we're not a student union. 49 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:39,920 It'll be romantic. 50 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,720 As an idea, I'm ranking this alongside the hot tub 51 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,400 or that Michael Buble doorbell. 52 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,600 Fine. We won't buy a foosball table! 53 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,560 I haven't bought a foosball table! 54 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,000 Oh, I don't want to be a killjoy, Alfie, but we've got bigger priorities. 55 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,520 The flat is a complete mess. 56 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,440 Talking of a complete mess, you know my dad? 57 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,280 Yes! You know the way that he married a witch called Pro Green 58 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,000 who ran off with all of his money and now he's sleeping in his car? 59 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,360 How do you feel about him living with us? No! 60 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,000 I mean... I mean, no. 61 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,440 No, because your dad should pick himself up 62 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,400 and dust himself down, 63 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,000 definitely change his clothes, 64 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,200 and then find himself a new job. 65 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:18,840 A job? My dad? 66 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,360 He spends his days drinking alone in Wetherspoons 67 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,560 and his nights moving from lay-by to lay-by trying not to get wanked on. 68 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,120 He's a train wreck - totally unemployable. 69 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,280 Meet our new deputy head. 70 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,320 Dad! Fraser, are you mad? 71 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,160 Insania. You like the Andre? 72 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,880 Roomies! How about movie night tonight? 73 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:40,160 You, me, Octopussy and a keg of Bishops Finger. Oh! 74 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,280 Did you already tell him he could live with us? 75 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,520 Um, no. He's probably been... 76 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,760 Alf, what's the US Military motto? 77 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,120 Don't ask, don't tell? 78 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,360 No, that was the BBC's in the 1970s. 79 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,560 It's, "Never leave a man behind," and Pro Green left this man for dead. 80 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:57,040 What? No, sorry. He can't be my boss - he's my dad! 81 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,160 In here I'm your colleague, not your dad. 82 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,800 Trust me, Mr Wickers, our relationship won't affect 83 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,800 the work environment one iota. 84 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,440 This is SO cringe! 85 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:06,840 Smoocher can't handle stress. 86 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,920 Hm? One birthday, at Studham Adventure Playground 87 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,120 he lost his nerve on the zip wire. 88 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,200 Wet himself above some picnickers. 89 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,680 Ruined his 18th. 90 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,280 How is this happening? 91 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,560 Thank you, Mr Fraser! 92 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:26,040 And thank you, everyone who's here. Fornication as magical as today. 93 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,840 Cool, budge up - there's a new banterlope at the watering hole. 94 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,560 This school is in financial dire straits. 95 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,680 It's in need of money for nothing. 96 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,560 Oh! That's good! 97 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,280 What about the fundraiser - the teachers' auction? 98 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,800 Yeah, I've raised 20 grand. 99 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,080 I'm afraid it was poorly invested. 100 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,120 I may have launched a clothing range. 101 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,120 Dodgy and Gebanter. 102 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,120 We've taken on extra pupils to secure more funding 103 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:57,320 but it's not enough. 104 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,560 Regretfully, we're going have to lose a member of staff. 105 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,200 MUTTERS OF PROTEST Everyone is on redundancy review, 106 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,760 from Mr Fraser downwards. Yes. Sorry, what? 107 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,640 The school can't just sack a member of staff. 108 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,920 I'll handle this, compadre. Rosie... 109 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,920 ..er, I'm sure, as a woman, you were a huge fan of Mrs Thatcher. 110 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,160 Oh, God. Martin did everything he could, Miss G. 111 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,160 I even looked into pawning my car. 112 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,600 Don't sell the car! 113 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,040 Then I'm afraid the worst-performing teacher is for the chop. 114 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,640 You won't get away with this. 115 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,440 We are teachers. 116 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,240 United we stand, divided we fall! 117 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,880 Yes! Hear, hear! Yeah. What she said. 118 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,560 Ooh, just a quick one. 119 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,720 Would the school be able to by a foosball table off me? 120 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:43,920 A foosball table? 121 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,200 No. 122 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,600 Feel it, Chantelle. So smooth! Did you Veet it? 123 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,400 Love, you can't just pitch up and dump your shit on me property. 124 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,160 Gypsy king's changed his tune. Shut up your noise. 125 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,040 Whoa! Let's just calm down. 126 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,840 Sir, she's disrupting the class. 127 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,400 Well, that's the pot calling the kettle bla... 128 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,600 Go on, then, I dare you. 129 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,760 Bl... 130 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,680 A similar colour to itself. Huh, oh. 131 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:18,920 And you are? 132 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,680 Cleopatra. Ooh, Cleopatra, coming atcha. 133 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,000 Fuck off, Burglar Bill! 134 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,840 Good, we'll put that one down to first-day nerves. 135 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,560 She's got a tongue on her. What you say, Little Miss Gel Pen? 136 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,080 Which skip did you find that weave in? Bitch! Bin dipper! 137 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,120 Guys! Please be quiet. 138 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,760 - Don't touch my shit, yeah? - What are you going to do about it? 139 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,680 OK. Can we just sit down and be quiet, please? 140 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,520 Touch my shit, I will end you! Split end you. 141 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,520 THEY CHANT: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! Guys! 142 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,320 Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! 143 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,960 OK, unless you sit down and shut up immediately, 144 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,800 I will write down on the board the name of a character 145 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,960 who dies in Game Of Thrones season five. 146 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,040 THEY GASP Wouldn't dare. Wouldn't I? 147 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,840 - Give that back to me! - Oi, get off! 148 00:06:58,840 --> 00:06:59,960 Right, R... 149 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,440 Aargh! 150 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,480 Oh, you silly prick! 151 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,640 A... Ah! Oh, my God! 152 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,280 Martin Wickers, stop right there. 153 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,080 What the Charlie Dickens is that? 154 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:19,080 The solution to all our money problems. Behold the SegDesk. 155 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,520 It's pending patent approval but trust me - 156 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,520 I'm standing on the next Dyson. 157 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,680 Wonders never cease. Maybe you should give up this teaching lark 158 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,920 and become a full-time bona-fide inventor. 159 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,800 You know what? Maybe I sh... 160 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,720 Hang on, I know what you're trying to do you, sly old shit. 161 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,960 Guilty as charged, m'lud. 162 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:40,640 Anyway, sadly there's only one very obvious candidate for redundancy. 163 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,680 And he came from in your balls! 164 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,920 He gosh-darn did. 165 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,560 Yep, the school governors want me to saddle up my ass 166 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,480 and sacrifice my only son. 167 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,040 I just pray Alfie can keep that class under control. 168 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,880 CLEOPATRA: Man, what's wrong with you? Hold him still. 169 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,720 Fraser. Father. 170 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,760 Ready for your appraisal, Smoocher? 171 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,880 Yep, just as soon as I've washed the word "twat" off my forehead. 172 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,880 Yep, that should do it. 173 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,600 Dad, you do realise, if you fire me I won't be able to pay my rent. 174 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,960 You'll be homeless and back in that smelly car. 175 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,040 Which is why it's important that you stay focused. 176 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:28,880 Right, um, Mr Wickers, what's your biggest weakness? 177 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,240 Honestly? 178 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:35,240 This is a safe space. Please, truthfully, your biggest weakness? 179 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,960 Truthfully? 180 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,920 Probably poppers. 181 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,760 HE SNIFFS AND MIMICS EXPLOSION Every time. 182 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,160 Miss Gulliver, your biggest weakness? 183 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,040 Nothing? 184 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,680 What's unique about you? 185 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,720 I'm completely blind in one eye. 186 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,000 Yep, absolutely no depth of vision. 187 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,840 GLASS SMASHES The answer is, of course, my unique sense of humour 188 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,880 and with that, my work here is done. Mr Fraser, can you sit back down? 189 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,000 Yes, siree-bob. 190 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,960 What's your greatest achievement? 191 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,520 Nearly had a threesome on holiday. 192 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,960 Oh, yes, you've rather lost touch with Atticus Hoy and his brother. 193 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,680 No! I meant on my gap year. 194 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,520 My biggest regret? Mm. 195 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,360 I used to say the N word at least a hundred times a day. 196 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,160 "N-word this, N-word that." It was a real buzz-kill. 197 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,320 And then one day, I vowed never again to say the word N-O. 198 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,680 The N word is "no"? Yep! 199 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:29,480 Since then, everyone at Abbey Grove has been forbidden from ever 200 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,280 saying the word "no" to anything. 201 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,160 Except all of the girls. 202 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,680 Oh, come on, Rosie. 203 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,960 What's been your proudest moment as a teacher? 204 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,080 This! 205 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,880 Describe yourself in one word. Succeedophile. 206 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,400 Sorry? You heard me right, madame. 207 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,480 I am a massive, unrepentant succeedophile. 208 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,720 You'd better put me on the goddamn register, sister, cos I will reoffend. 209 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,560 At succeeding. 210 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,400 What's your greatest ambition? 211 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,000 Pfft! 212 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,520 Probably another threesome. 213 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,320 Let's rein in the honesty a tad, shall we? 214 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,680 Maybe your ambition is to get some of your pupils into Oxbridge. 215 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,240 Ha! Oxbridge! 216 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:12,680 Never going to happen. 217 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:17,440 Very good, Alf, but, er, there's actually nothing wrong with Form K. 218 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,960 I believe there have been tests. 219 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,400 Many, many tests. 220 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:24,760 And there may be some people who believe the problem lies elsewhere 221 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:28,680 and they're saying that you're feckless, childish and incompetent. 222 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:32,320 I'm not feckless! I've got loads of feck! 223 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,560 I'm a fecking motherfecker! 224 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,240 So why don't you three just back the feck off! 225 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,720 You're not helping yourself. 226 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,240 Wait! You WANT to fire me! 227 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,840 Of course I don't want to fire you 228 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,720 but you're leaving me with no choice. I'm your son! 229 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,880 Not at school, Mr Wickers. We're colleagues. 230 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,400 For now. 231 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,640 Et tu, Father! 232 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,880 The teachers of Abbey Grove are on strike. 233 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,080 We will not return to work until you promise job security 234 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,440 for every single member of staff! 235 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,920 Alfie, don't go with her - stay and fight for your job. 236 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,280 Whose side are you on, Alfie? 237 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,640 He's always been confused about which side he's on. 238 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,040 One minute he's holding hands with Alice Plemons, 239 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,160 the next I catch him ramming Pogs up Atticus Hoy's... 240 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,920 Right! To the barricades! 241 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,160 # Do you hear the people sing 242 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,920 # Singing a song of angry men? 243 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:28,600 # It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again 244 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,360 # When the... # MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY 245 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,720 Just a quick one. 246 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,760 Teachers still get paid on strike, right? 247 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,640 # When the beating of your heart 248 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,920 # Echoes the beating of the drums 249 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:46,800 # There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes. # 250 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,560 Teachers united! 251 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,040 This strike is not about individuals. 252 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:59,640 This strike is for every teacher that has ever been sacked 253 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,240 by their own father. 254 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:05,000 This strike is about drawing a line in the sand, 255 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,760 standing up to the man and saying "no"! 256 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,400 Yes, sir. THEY CHEER 257 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,000 You sure this is all right, mate? 258 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,880 HE SIGHS God! 259 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,320 I haven't held a placard in my hand since I ran for student president. 260 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,920 Really? You? Yeah, I guess you could say back at school 261 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,120 I had something of the politician in me. 262 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,280 Did you get bummed by George Osborne? Dah! 263 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,920 Served another zinger. 264 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,720 What? Cos all black people work at KFC? 265 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,520 Is that what you're saying, Clarkson? 266 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,400 No, er, not at all, 267 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,720 a lot of my best friends are... 268 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,120 work in KFC. 269 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,480 Look, sir! 270 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,760 Come on! 271 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,720 It's my one-man Les Mis all over again. 272 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,480 Er, Joe, maybe lose the flag - 273 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,840 it makes you look a little bit National Fronty. 274 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,080 I'm already sorting out the press. Joe's my PA. 275 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,640 I've spoken to a man from the Watford Guardian. 276 00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:58,960 I want the nationals, babe. 277 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,600 I'm offering the Mail Online photos of Chantelle in a bikini. 278 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,840 Stephen, she's 16. 279 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,920 No, you're right, she's probably a bit old for the Sidebar of Shame. 280 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,560 You know what would really grab their attention? A hunger strike. 281 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,840 Joe, you know the way you're on this vegan diet, which... 282 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,840 Isn't working. I miss bacon so much. 283 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,520 Cheer up, Uncle Fester. Soon you'll be skinny enough to buy your clothes from Jacamo. 284 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,440 At least he don't get his threads from ASDA. 285 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,720 Your mum get staff discount? She don't work at ASDA. 286 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,960 How she get a staff discount? Sucked off George? 287 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,160 Guys! Don't worry! Not YOUR George! 288 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,440 Thanks. Er, look, Joe, my dad says that I'm a bad teacher 289 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,400 but who's going to look bad when doctors are force-feeding you 290 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,640 through a tube because you love me so much? 291 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,080 Alfie, is this strike just about getting revenge on your dad? 292 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,880 HE TUTS No. A hunger strike's win-win, mate. 293 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,440 The governors will cave the minute you start losing weight. 294 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,520 How long will that be? I'm going Tenerife next Christmas. Listen, guys. 295 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,160 Actions speak louder than words, Joe! 296 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,560 Rosa Parks, Tiananmen Square. 297 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:58,480 Protesting the war in Vietnam, a monk set himself on fire. 298 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,040 Oh, good idea. I'll get the petrol - we've already got a monk. 299 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,200 Idiot! 300 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,320 Ah, thank God for Ying. Always thinking. 301 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:09,680 What if we light a real fire under my dad's ass? 302 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,680 Old health and safety's here to save the day. 303 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,880 I was thinking of throwing them off the roof. You've changed. 304 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,920 "I rebel, therefore I exist." Camus. 305 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,480 Anyone else finding that a bit annoying? Yep. 306 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,640 I've got to go find Miss Gulliver - we're drawing up a list of demands. 307 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,360 Beer at lunch! Unbelievable! 308 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,440 The reporter's here! 309 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:29,600 Tits and teeth. 310 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,960 So, er, why'd you get expelled from your last school? 311 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,920 I kidnapped a teacher. Really? 312 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,680 No, you salad! I'm not a psycho. 313 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,280 Called in a bomb threat to get out of some long division. 314 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,080 Amazing. 315 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,480 Pick up your lip. 316 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,720 Someone's in love! 317 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,520 Oh, shit, maybe I am. 318 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,680 Bollocks! 319 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,480 You've taken a vow of silence? 320 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:06,320 OK, just let me know, by the way, if you don't want that foosball table. 321 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,040 Seriously, just say the word. 322 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,800 We're drawing up a list of demands. 323 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,240 We demand safe pensions. 324 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,400 Job security. 325 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,520 No more homework. 326 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,360 I'm a lover, not a fighter, babe. 327 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,760 Like Ghandi. 328 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,200 Oh, totes. David Gandy's always been an inspiration. 329 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:28,360 Those abs - like a cobbled street. Wouldn't want to walk down them in a wedged heel. 330 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,640 That man with the nappy? Eww! 331 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,960 Oi, Dickers. 332 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,400 I need your advice. I think I like Cleo - she's an absolute weldy. 333 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,600 Really? I thought you and her had beef. 334 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:52,120 Yeah, I... instantly regret using that word. 335 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,200 No, I think I, like, LIKE-HER like her. 336 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,280 She thinks I'm a tool. 337 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,120 Well, I mean, you kind of are. 338 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,480 Look, mate, men like me and you - 339 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,840 we're never going to be able to get girls with our looks. 340 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,400 What do you mean, men like me and you? 341 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,680 I'm an absolute baller, mate, a nine out of ten. 342 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,960 You look like a Topshop Peter Sutcliffe. 343 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,080 Right. I mean, do you want my help? 344 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,360 Our only option is to make girls laugh. Women love a sense of humour. 345 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,240 Oh, I get it, I've got to laugh her into... 346 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,720 A corner, yeah. 347 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,400 Laugh her straight into an impulsive flat-share 348 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,360 that binds her to you financially. 349 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:21,800 CAR HORN HONKS 350 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,960 Code red! They're sending in supply teachers! 351 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,680 THEY CHANT ANGRILY 352 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:33,080 Look at them - it's like the army of the unsullied invaded M&S. 353 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,320 What's wrong with supply teachers? 354 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,560 Well, put it this way - 355 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,520 even I can get a permanent placement. 356 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,200 TEACHERS SHOUT Scab! 357 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,800 Oh, my God! All we need is Julie Walters and it's Billy Elliott! Scab! 358 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,160 Right, that's it, I'm taking this to the next level! 359 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,240 Dirty protest. 360 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,720 What? No! 361 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,080 I'm going to hit my dad where it hurts. 362 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,640 His car. Shit on his car! 363 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,760 No, there's no shit. Oh. 364 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,640 MUSIC: Children Of The Revolution by T-Rex 365 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:16,000 # Well, you can bump and grind 366 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,760 # And it's good for your mind 367 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,400 # Well, you can twist and shout 368 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,280 # Let it all hang out 369 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:31,760 # But you won't fool the children of the revolution 370 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:36,560 # No, you won't fool the children of the revolution 371 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,200 # Na-na, no 372 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,440 # Wow! # 373 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,720 Dickers, you been sniffing glue? 374 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,960 Shut up! What is all of this? 375 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,080 It's meant to be a strike, not a festival. 376 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,520 If we're here for the long haul, might as well have a laugh. 377 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,560 Tomato? I'm going to pelt the supply teachers. 378 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,120 Old school, slapstick! Cleo might like it. 379 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,320 CLEO SCOFFS Salad for the salad. 380 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,080 Oi, Kelly Osbourne, 381 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,840 want to see a couple of turnips that look like your mum's bollocks? 382 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,960 Can I have a tomato? 383 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,520 No, Joe, you're on hunger strike. 384 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,920 I'm so hungry. You're doing great, mate. 385 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,400 And remember, when everyone else is tucking into that delicious hog roast, 386 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,440 you, my friend, are going to be occupying the moral high ground. 387 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,520 Hog roast? 388 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,520 Why, God? HE SIGHS 389 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:30,960 Joe! 390 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,360 Look what those journo bastards did, sir! 391 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,720 I told them not to print my left side. 392 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,000 I said, "Front on or three-quarter profile." 393 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,000 They've given me fat neck! 394 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,240 Sorry... did you say all of these things? 395 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,200 I thought it was an interview, not a bloody quiz. 396 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:51,120 Mein Kampf was the name of John Barrowman's autobiography. 397 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,480 You thought that Hitler's first name was Heil. 398 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,840 Heil Hitler. 399 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,800 That Hezbollah and Hamas were chips and dips. 400 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,520 Well, they sound yummy. 401 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,840 When asked who said, "I have a dream," you responded... 402 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,440 Westlife. 403 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,000 I know, I know, that one was dumb. 404 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,240 Originally, it was ABBA. 405 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,120 Maybe we ARE stupid, sir. No, don't worry, Chantelle. 406 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,840 It's just some stupid journalist trying to spin a story out of nothing. 407 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,480 Is it? Miss Gulliver's class are revising. We're just pissing around. 408 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:19,880 Oi, who's nicked my porn? 409 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,640 I'm going to fail my exams. 410 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,000 Who cares, babes? I'm going to become a dancer and you'll be my make-up artist. 411 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,800 Not any more. I found out I need GCSEs to get into my beauty school. 412 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,000 I'm screwed! 413 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,280 So that's why you've been working so hard? 414 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,560 If I fail my GCSEs, I'll never get a job. 415 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,880 What have I got to put in my CV? 416 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,720 I haven't achieved anything! 417 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,440 Not true, babes. You got to snog Science from Big Brother Six. 418 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,840 I don't want to be a failure! It's my fault. 419 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,920 You're not a failure, Chantelle, and you never will be. 420 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,760 My dad's right - I'm letting you guys down. 421 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,400 Don't worry. I'm going to get into our classroom, 422 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,600 I'll get some textbooks, start teaching you al-fresco style. 423 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,040 Who's Al Fresco? Wait, is it one of the Jersey Boys? 424 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,360 No, babe, "al fresco" is French for "patio"! 425 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,320 Oh, God, I really need to start teaching you again. 426 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,880 But you'll be breaking the strike. 427 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,520 I'm going to get you those GCSEs, I promise. 428 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,880 As Britain's youngest headmaster, 429 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,800 I have to be everywhere at once - 430 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,680 in lessons, in the staffroom, 431 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:23,920 occasionally in court, 432 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,280 but always in high spirits. 433 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,440 How do I do this, I hear you ask. 434 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,240 I give you... 435 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,160 the future! 436 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,640 FUTURISTIC WAILING 437 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,600 Versat... HE SPLUTTERS 438 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,640 Versatile. 439 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,800 PHONE RINGS 440 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,360 I want those reports on my desk by end of play today. 441 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,040 TRICKLING 442 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:57,760 Still working. 443 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,520 SPLASHING 444 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,480 Fast, quiet and efficient, the SegDesk has all the attributes 445 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,960 of a Victorian lover. 446 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,800 So hop on one today! 447 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:22,680 Rosie, what I'm about to do doesn't mean that I don't support you 448 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,600 and I still think that my dad's being a dick. 449 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,560 But I need to think about my kids. 450 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,280 I'm putting an end to this strike. 451 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,960 I'm crossing the picket line and I'm negotiating. 452 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,600 I'm sorry. 453 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,920 Stop! Alfie! You can't let them win! 454 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,200 Come back! 455 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,440 Ah, you've finally come to your senses. 456 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,560 Traitor! 457 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,640 SHE CHANTS: Judas, Judas! 458 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,760 CROWD JOINS IN: Judas, Judas, Judas! 459 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,880 Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas! 460 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,560 Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas! 461 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,760 CHANTING CONTINUES 462 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,560 Oi, Ying, come and give us a hand with something. 463 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,040 I quit! I quit! 464 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:16,440 I quit! 465 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,520 What?! I quit! 466 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:23,880 If that's the only way that I can get everyone back into school, 467 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,240 then...that's the way it's got to be. 468 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,000 You don't have to. We can break them! 469 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,360 But how long's that going to take? Days, weeks? 470 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,520 I can't risk that. My kids need to be learning 471 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,240 and that's not going to happen out here. 472 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,760 No, sir, you can't quit. 473 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,840 No, Chantelle, you deserve a better teacher. 474 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,720 Maybe this is for the best. 475 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:45,280 So, Dad, reluctantly, 476 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,200 I take this redundancy. The strike's over! 477 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,560 What you just did showed real courage. 478 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,000 I hope I proved a point. 479 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,160 This whole thing was getting completely out of hand. 480 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,840 Thankfully, now we can all go back to normal. 481 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,880 Good old Alfie, joking to the last. We're going to miss you, son. 482 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,680 Miss me? 483 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,640 Well, you did just resign. 484 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,800 Yeah, but I mean, I was kind of only doing the whole "I quit" thing 485 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,880 to show everyone how ludicrous the whole situation was. 486 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,360 I don't actually have to lose my job, do I? 487 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,840 I've still got to find the money from somewhere 488 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,400 and I did plead with the governors 489 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,480 but they were going to insist I sack you anyway. 490 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,240 If only you'd shown this pluck during your review, 491 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,000 instead of all that guff about threesomes. 492 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,480 If it's any consolation, you saved me a lot of soul searching. 493 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:50,040 Yeah, it's no consolation whatsoever. 494 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:51,680 Oi, Cleo, watch this. 495 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,800 "Commitment is an act, not a word." Sartre. 496 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,840 "Eat pig, bitch!" Mitchell. 497 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,200 Alfie! THEY GASP 498 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,760 That is bang out of order, man. 499 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,760 Oh! How could she not find that funny? 500 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,960 We've just squashed a vegan with a pig! 501 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,680 You took a pig for me, brother. 502 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,320 I'm so hungry. 503 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,040 A hundred grand? That's unbelievable. 504 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:28,160 Er, yes, I accept. I can't wait to tell the troops. 505 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,160 Stop! Nobody's getting fired... 506 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,120 as I have just sold a patent to the Japanese guy who brought you 507 00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,400 such hits as the She-wee and He-boob. 508 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,640 That's right, Japan is about to say konichiwa to the SegDesk. 509 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,400 That's not true, is it? 510 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,160 I sold my flat. I knew the governors wanted Alf's head 511 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,560 and I couldn't stay on at Abbey Grove without my best bud. 512 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,360 Thanks, Fraser. 513 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:49,560 Where will you live? 514 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,680 Ah...my office. 515 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,760 Either that or, Martin, can your car fit two? 516 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,360 It can. Post-divorce, I had a rebound fling 517 00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:00,760 with a 16-stone lady trucker called Fat Pat. 518 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:04,400 Romancing a woman of that size in the back of the flame-red Tigo 519 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,640 could prove taxing. 520 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,640 Getting her bra and truss off alone was a three-man job. 521 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,680 Luckily she had a friend - Mick, her husband. 522 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,440 Dark days! 523 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,040 I'll probably just rent. 524 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,200 Dad! About your car... 525 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,680 Before you see it, can you just remember 526 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,720 that I was really, really angry. 527 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,040 STUDENTS CHUCKLE 528 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:43,520 Oh, my days! That is jokes! 529 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:44,880 The gashmobile. 530 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,440 Man's car got porned! 531 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,520 Half the credit must go to Mr Mitchell. What? 532 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,400 CLEO CHUCKLES 533 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,520 Er, yeah, it was me. I did it. 534 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,160 Ah, quite funny, bruv. 535 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,880 Don't touch me. 536 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,080 Come on. 537 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,680 Cheers for that, sir. That's all right. 538 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,000 HE SIGHS 539 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,080 OK, guess I'd better go and get cleaned up, then. 540 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,280 Yep, that should do it. 541 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,080 THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY 542 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,720 Yeah, I rule! 543 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,680 One more game, then back to work? 544 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,840 I'm glad you didn't leave, sir. 545 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,440 Oh, so am I, Chantelle. 546 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,400 You guys are like a family to me. 547 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,560 Mitchell, Joey Boy, even Cleo. 548 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,160 Little Rem Dogg. 549 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,880 Where is Rem Dogg? 550 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,800 Oh, shit! Rem Dogg! 551 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,320 Hey! 552 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,120 Ooh, someone had a wee-wee in the night.