1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,520 This programme contains adult humour. 2 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:09,800 So, I sacked the PE teacher again. 3 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,240 After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,120 to install camera technology. 5 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:18,560 Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish". A line was crossed. 6 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:22,520 Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and... 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:24,640 No way, never going to happen, not doing it. 8 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,400 Calm down, dear, it's not you. 9 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,600 Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE 10 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,120 teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis. 11 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:43,880 HE GULPS 12 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,000 Hush, hush, moffie, 13 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,720 Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison. 14 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,360 HE SNIGGERS 15 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,960 You can't employ him, he's a psychopath! 16 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:28,120 Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed. 17 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,360 He attacked me with a riot baton. 18 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,680 That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you," 19 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,120 and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it. 20 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,800 Plus he's very cheap. 21 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,120 There! 22 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,840 TIA. Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker. 23 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,800 You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy. 24 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:44,840 Urgh! Ow! 25 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,800 Classic Preet! 26 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,440 Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have 27 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:54,080 resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger 28 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:57,640 management, art therapy. You couldn't meet a more stable guy. 29 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,400 Boo! 30 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,840 That therapy's worked a treat. 31 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,880 Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela. I only laughed once. 32 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,040 Well, maybe. 33 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,400 Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face. 34 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,480 HE LAUGHS 35 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:09,760 Priceless. 36 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:11,320 Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job, 37 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,280 it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record. 38 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,760 Neither do schools! 39 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,040 Not this school. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. 40 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,160 Who wants to celebrate with some khat? 41 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,800 It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine. 42 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,040 Everyone deserves a third chance. 43 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,200 Right, sports day, you know the drill. 44 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,520 Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way 45 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,080 the humiliation's at random. 46 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,240 OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race. Raj, 800 metres. 47 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,200 Rem Dogg... 48 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,320 ..wheelbarrow race. 49 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:55,000 Boom! Third year in a row. 50 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,640 What a convenient coincidence. Stephen...sack race. 51 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:02,360 I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customise it, sir. 52 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,000 Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle, three-legged race. 53 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,080 You know all about that, tripod. 54 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,640 Cleo. 55 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,920 I ain't doing no bait sports day. 100-metre dash. 56 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:13,000 What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint? 57 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,120 What? No, it's all random. 58 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,440 Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line? Oh, God! 59 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,280 Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team(?) 60 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,200 You can sit this one out. Correct! 61 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,160 I'm out, too. I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper. 62 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,160 Did you guys read my latest edition? 63 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,760 It's just a bit dry, babe. 64 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,760 Dry but very absorbent. 65 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,200 You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye. 66 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,640 You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right, 67 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,520 went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress! 68 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,720 OMG, drams give me dates! God help me. 69 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,400 We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us 70 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,800 are looking up the miniskirts of the stars! 71 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,520 Alfie, can I have a quick word? 72 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,200 Look, I just wanted to tell you something 73 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,440 because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else. 74 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:04,480 You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're in love with him, you're going to get married! 75 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,120 I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day. 76 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,120 Why? What event's he doing? The race to get his affairs in order(?) 77 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,400 St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them. 78 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,640 Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance(!) 79 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,560 He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker! 80 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,120 Would you please stop doing that? 81 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,520 For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend! 82 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,080 That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring. 83 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,800 The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie 84 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,440 at sports day. 85 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,200 But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too. 86 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,760 Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered. 87 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,920 Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck. 88 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,240 Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A. 89 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,160 Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie. 90 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,360 We're on a break. 91 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,040 Oh. Fuck the fuck. Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh? 92 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,760 Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus. 93 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,240 Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch. 94 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,160 Yeah, never going to happen. 95 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:06,920 Oh! 96 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:08,920 Why are you wet? 97 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,040 I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me. 98 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,000 Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small. 99 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,880 Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is. I was in there 100 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,400 for an hour. Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks. 101 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,760 That may be why you don't fit. 102 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,280 Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down. Girlfriend's got a point. 103 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,320 Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again. Noted! 104 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:30,480 You should use sports day to put him in his place. This is your chance to 105 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,200 take Grayson down in front of the whole school. Everyone loves 106 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,600 an underdog. I can picture the headlines. 107 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,120 Jing's right. 108 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,160 This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at...the hurdles! 109 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,840 Maybe not. 110 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,080 Kill me. 111 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:44,320 Hash-tag light bulb. 112 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,760 That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right? 113 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,800 Why don't you challenge him? Show Miss G what she's missing. 114 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,240 That is a brilliant idea. 115 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,920 Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me. 116 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,320 Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off. 117 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,600 I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker. 118 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,440 Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime. 119 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,200 What you talking about? 120 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,680 # I ain't saying she a gold digger 121 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,080 # but I ain't messing with no bro... # 122 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,720 Man of Afro-Caribbean origin. 123 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:16,040 What about a teacher and parent race? Perfect! 124 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,560 Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym. 125 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,480 We? Well, I can't do this on my own. 126 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,840 Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever. 127 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:29,440 Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory? 128 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,320 You know how this plays out. 129 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,920 OK, I'll buy you a Nando's. 130 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,520 THEY WHOOP 131 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,640 Three, two... 132 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,560 Preet! 133 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,080 Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson. 134 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,800 I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently. 135 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,880 What are you playing? It, stuck in the mud? Hunger Games. 136 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,640 Cool! Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right? 137 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,600 Yeah, until the gym fired me. 138 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,120 They didn't like me trying to segregate customers. 139 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,560 Actually, I'm with you on that. 140 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,240 I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate, 141 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,800 less intimidating, eh? 142 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,200 I didn't divide them by gender. 143 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,680 Right. 144 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,160 Um, look, I need you to put me 145 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,560 and my class on a crash course before sports day. 146 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,040 Ha! 147 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,760 But you're just a child. 148 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,160 I could smell your mother's milk on your breath. 149 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,440 You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis. 150 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,080 I don't want to fight you, I just want some training. 151 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,400 If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the 152 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,880 limits of human endurance. 153 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,360 I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever. 154 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,760 Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums! 155 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,760 So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready 156 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,640 for the Preet heat? 157 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:50,000 Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now? 158 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,800 Ah! 159 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:04,720 Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god. 160 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,640 Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh? 161 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,440 Bit much. Protein shake, anyone? 162 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,800 What flavour? 163 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,480 Banana! 164 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,160 Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory, 165 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,800 gives you purchase balls. 166 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,360 No, thank you. 167 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,480 Why are you drinking a protein shake? 168 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:26,040 Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day. 169 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,240 Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes! 170 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:35,080 Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead. 171 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:39,360 Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I get in contact with someone like him? 172 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,600 Morse code, pigeon...seance? 173 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,440 You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity. 174 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,880 Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time. 175 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,760 Hey, can't touch this. 176 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:49,800 Skeletal. 177 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,280 Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university. 178 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,160 Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line. 179 00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,840 Oh, I think I do. 180 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,640 Alf, could you really beat Richard? 181 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,800 Well, she said that he was a sprinter, 182 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,720 so let's make it an endurance event. 183 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:10,480 You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself. 184 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,680 I'll call it "the Master Race". 185 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,520 We probably won't. 186 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,120 The old gang back together, eh? 187 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,320 The boys, the lads, the lady-killers. 188 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,000 Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat. 189 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,560 Right, I've found a brown leather 190 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:32,800 Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At a push it works with the sackcloth. 191 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,480 Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it! 192 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,240 Steroids. Jing, is this for real? 193 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,680 Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids. 194 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,360 We'll be publishing exclusives all week. 195 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,080 Maybe I should get some steroids. 196 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,800 Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us. 197 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,640 Uh! I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere. 198 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:51,960 He's not a psycho. 199 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,600 Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him. 200 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,400 Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked, 201 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,400 cat-wracking pieces of shit! 202 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:03,880 Preet? 203 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,440 Sorry. 204 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,920 # Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. # 205 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,800 He's scary when he's being nice. 206 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,560 On your feet. 207 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,320 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Non-regulation socks. 208 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,880 So, I don't have white socks, big deal! 209 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,680 Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds? 210 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:33,600 It ruins your wash? 211 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,120 Society crumbles! 212 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:39,720 Er, this is all I had. You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment! 213 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,880 Can I remind you I am a teacher? 214 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,720 Do you want me to train you or not? 215 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,680 Yes. 216 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,160 Let's dance. 217 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,640 MUSIC: Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana and Nicky Minaj 218 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,600 HE BLOWS WHISTLE 219 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,360 Whoa! 220 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,200 Yah! 221 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,640 Whoa! 222 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:25,960 Whoa! 223 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:34,000 Urgh! Oh! 224 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,840 I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team. 225 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,480 Joe, you've got an Olympic record. 226 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,840 I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast. 227 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,520 That's part of the problem, not the solution. 228 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,040 Bullshit. 229 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,160 Joe, you have got the hunger. 230 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,040 When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through. 231 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:56,120 Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers? 232 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,160 What are you doing? 233 00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,880 Oh, just er, fixing up this 234 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,920 bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time. 235 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,480 Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to 236 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,520 Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse. 237 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,840 Huh, me lose to Richard? Please. 238 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,400 Name one thing he's got that I haven't? 239 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,000 Sensitivity, maturity, charm. 240 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,120 Yeah, but I said one thing, not three. 241 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,040 And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable. 242 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,840 Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon. 243 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,240 Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio, 244 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,320 I have got a body to sculpt. 245 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,240 Ow! 246 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,360 See you later, Michelangelo. 247 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,560 I think I've broken me coccyx. 248 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,200 If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always 249 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,960 play for my village team. I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh? 250 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,000 Have you been talking to my ex-wife? 251 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,600 Which one? 252 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,080 THEY LAUGH 253 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,960 Ah, smoocher, come perch. 254 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,000 We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow. 255 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,560 Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine. 256 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:23,920 We share a love of cricket. 257 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:27,960 Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race. 258 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,880 Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate. 259 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,560 Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher, 260 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,720 Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts. 261 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,520 Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance 262 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,000 has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one. 263 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,560 THEY LAUGH 264 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,480 Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club. 265 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,600 You play bridge as well? Which discipline? Rubber. 266 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,280 THEY LAUGH 267 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,760 Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour 268 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,320 in Tring with the nice Thai ladies. 269 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,040 No, no, I... Right, you, here. 270 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,800 What the hell was all that about? 271 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,080 Why are you being so friendly with Richard? 272 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,560 Richard, what's wrong with him? 273 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:12,000 What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes. 274 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,640 # What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? 275 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,160 # Is it a monster? # 276 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,880 THEY LAUGH 277 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,320 Jesus Christ! 278 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,560 Great costume, chap. 279 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:24,760 And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man. 280 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,520 Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you. 281 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,960 Fraser, this is my... A privilege to finally meet your father. 282 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,440 Rosie talks about her old man non-stop. 283 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,960 No, Fraser, this... 284 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,840 But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet! 285 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,720 Come and meet Rosie's dad! 286 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:42,320 Hello there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady. 287 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,640 We were a little...belt-shy, bro? 288 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,200 Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater. 289 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:52,680 This is Richard, my...friend! 290 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,840 HE SIGHS 291 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,040 Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race? 292 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,400 Oh, not this joke. Every year. 293 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,960 Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack. 294 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,680 THEY LAUGH 295 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,800 Come, I have a surprise for you. 296 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:22,240 Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles. 297 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,840 The most brutal obstacle course known to man. 298 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,600 And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too. 299 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:28,640 Attack dogs? 300 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:33,400 And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children? 301 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,720 You've got a tranquiliser gun. Of course you do. 302 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:40,480 Um, is, is that legal? It's a grey area. 303 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,760 Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just 304 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,480 looking at this. 305 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,320 Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, 306 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:52,000 Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis. 307 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,680 Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance 308 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,480 but this could actually kill me. 309 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,400 As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink 310 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,640 and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever. 311 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,280 TIA, bro. This is Africa! 312 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,480 TIT, this is Tring. 313 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,640 On your marks! 314 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,120 Go on, Chantelle! 315 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,040 Get set! Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit. 316 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,800 Go! 317 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,440 On your marks, get set... 318 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:37,880 Go! 319 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,720 THEY CHEER 320 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,600 MUSIC: "Sexy Boy" by Air 321 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,800 Go, Stephen! 322 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,040 Shit, that boy can work it. 323 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,760 Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified. 324 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,960 Shamazing! 325 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,360 Joe! 326 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:18,120 There you are, buddy. 327 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,440 Come on, it's time for the hurdles. I don't want to do it. 328 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,440 I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea. 329 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:28,080 But the Olympic breakfast. Forget the breakfast, Alfie. 330 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,840 Joe, remember what I said? When you hit a barrier, you don't stop, 331 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,560 you power on through. 332 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,000 That's how you're going to beat Grayson. That... 333 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,080 (and by making sure you run in lane three.) 334 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,520 I don't get it. 335 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,960 Just trust me. 336 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,840 Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark. 337 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:53,040 "To Joe, good luck, Grayson." 338 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:57,640 Get down! 339 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,320 All right, Shrek? 340 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,720 Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube. 341 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,000 He looks...angry. 342 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,760 On your marks, get set, go! 343 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,360 CROWD CHEER 344 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,240 I think I know who's been taking them steroids in. 345 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,560 Joe's not on steroids. I weakened his hurdles. 346 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,800 THEY CHEER 347 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,600 Joe! You can stop now! 348 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,680 He'll tire himself out. 349 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,760 Eventually. 350 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,520 Joe! 351 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,200 Ladies and gentlemen, 352 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,080 the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes. 353 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,520 Thanky-doodle-do. 354 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,360 Good luck, mate, going to need it. 355 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,440 Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain. 356 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,320 Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium. 357 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,960 What the hell is that? 358 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,720 You'll find out. 359 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,880 He said it to my face, Jing. 360 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,560 He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win. 361 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,600 Yeah, but what's consilium? 362 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,760 Um, what does it sound like? A drug. 363 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,560 Now where's his bag? 364 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,360 I'm not sure about this, sir. 365 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,840 Your steroid story, he's the cheat! 366 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,880 It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs. 367 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,760 That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win, 368 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,680 she knows he's on this consilium. 369 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,040 Ah! 370 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,960 Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea, 371 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,760 this is Richard's bag. 372 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,080 Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true. 373 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,160 Bingo! The roidy bastard! 374 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,200 But how? I made the story up. 375 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,600 You lied in print and you want to become a journalist. Jing. 376 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,320 Well. 377 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,240 Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down. 378 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,040 But what about you? 379 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,080 You won't beat him if he's on steroids. 380 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,480 If you can't beat 'em... 381 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:29,280 Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth. 382 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:33,240 Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well. 383 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:52,320 Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar! 384 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:53,920 Preet, what the hell? 385 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,720 If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open. 386 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,440 Right, I'm just... Oh, God. 387 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,760 Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me. 388 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,520 Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything. 389 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,320 Two men share a secret, it binds them together, 390 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,800 entwining them into one beating heart. 391 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,280 You going to have a wipe of that? 392 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:20,240 First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me. 393 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,760 To be fair, you attacked me. 394 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,760 Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills. 395 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,480 A bit close. 396 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,960 But then I began my course of art therapy. 397 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,040 Would you like to see my sketches? 398 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,800 Not really. 399 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,440 Oh, look, it's me. 400 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,640 Oh, Jesus Christ! 401 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,880 Oh, you have been busy. 402 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,400 Feel free to stop at any... 403 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,960 Ooh! So much detail. 404 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,200 Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin. 405 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:07,520 Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate. 406 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,320 Please don't say "love". 407 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,080 Tattoos. 408 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,600 Me again! 409 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,960 My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain. 410 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,920 Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back? 411 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,640 OK, I've just worked that one out for myself. 412 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:30,040 Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you. 413 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,960 Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart? 414 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,440 Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat? 415 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,560 I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is 416 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,960 Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen... 417 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,520 Er, got it. 418 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,640 Alfie, it's time. 419 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,880 I'll just tiptoe out. 420 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,000 No, wait for me! 421 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,200 Moffie! 422 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,960 Good luck. 423 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,400 Carpe diem. 424 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,920 Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate, 425 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:09,000 now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium. 426 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,720 Yeah, that's right sucker. 427 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,240 So you are a classicist? 428 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,200 What are you talking about? 429 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,440 Consilium, Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy. 430 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,040 Yeah, pull the other one, Farage. 431 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,120 I'm talking about these. 432 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,080 And don't you worry. 433 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,560 I've levelled the playing field. 434 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,080 Oh, crikey, yes, er... 435 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,040 It's all very embarrassing. 436 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,080 Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er, 437 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,040 not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er, 438 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:38,600 a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department. 439 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,440 What are you banging on about? 440 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,320 HE MUMBLES: Viagra. 441 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,640 What? 442 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,480 HE MUMBLES: Viagra. Viagra?! 443 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,040 Sh! Yes. 444 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,800 Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra? 445 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,280 Well, Rosie and I are... 446 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,440 Friends! 447 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,680 Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure. 448 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,240 Rosie and I might become friends with benefits. 449 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,680 Ugh! 450 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,120 Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits". 451 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,600 Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend, 452 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,720 you...shit. 453 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,240 Come on, Richard, you can do it! 454 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,120 Shut up, Dad! 455 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,680 Wait, how long do those things take to kick in? 456 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,520 Well, it depends how many you took. 457 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,240 Round it down to about five. 458 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,280 Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things 459 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,160 start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken. 460 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,720 Shit! 461 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,320 Preet, start the race! 462 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,640 I have got to give a quick health and safety check. 463 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,160 Preet, start the race! I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie. 464 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,400 Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me 465 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,440 lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter. 466 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,440 Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts. 467 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,760 Granny in a thong. 468 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,600 Adrian Chiles' banter. 469 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,760 Eric Pickles on the shitter. 470 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,680 Ian Beale crying. 471 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,320 Come on, Alfie! 472 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,000 Please not on the monkey bars. 473 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,080 God, no, not on the monkey bars. 474 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,200 Come on, Richard! 475 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,160 Feel blood heading south. 476 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,560 Come on, Alfie! 477 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:42,800 What's he doing? 478 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,880 Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit. 479 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,200 Is he wearing a little plough? 480 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,320 I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him. 481 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,960 Oh, no, you don't, old goat. 482 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,160 Moffie shall go to the ball. 483 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,480 Steady. 484 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:12,880 He's got a gun, get down! 485 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,800 Ooh! 486 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,200 Oh! 487 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,720 He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 488 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,200 Oh! 489 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,360 I can't feel my legs. 490 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,480 Uh! 491 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,680 Teach me everything you know. 492 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,760 Alfie, why have you...? 493 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:45,000 Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo. 494 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,560 A bit late for that, bro. 495 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,960 I cheated, OK? Or at least I tried to cheat. 496 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,640 I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue 497 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,280 pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra. 498 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,720 Don't stress. 499 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,040 Viagra? Why, why does Richard have...? 500 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,400 Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you... 501 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,800 I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but... 502 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,760 but, well, plan to succeed. 503 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:11,760 Rosie, I did... 504 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,600 If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well. 505 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:18,560 Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please. 506 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:19,880 Yeah, I win! 507 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,760 Do you, though? Really? 508 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,720 Could someone maybe cover that up? 509 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,240 Moffie, I'll write! 510 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,960 I won't reply! 511 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,280 Ugh, yeah, ugh! 512 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,760 Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then. 513 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:45,160 Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won! 514 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,160 Yes! I rule! 515 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,760 You won by a head. 516 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,680 It's the most popular edition in the school's history. 517 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,440 You saved the paper, sir! Everyone's reading it. 518 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,800 Oh, great(!)