1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,638
I wonder how
that young girl is from last night.

3
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,799
Terrible business.
Can't have been more than 15, 16.

4
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,436
I mean, I've collapsed
doing karaoke as well,

5
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,836
but that was while singing
the last note of Thunderball,

6
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,190
not 'cause I was pregnant.

7
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,154
Now, seven down,
cross-dressing comedian,

8
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,193
first word begins "ED".

9
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,634
Eddie Large.

10
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,312
(SNORING)

11
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,752
- When is Telle gonna have her baby, Dad?
- I don't know, son.

12
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,678
Why didn't she tell us
she was gonna have a baby?

13
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:09,995
I don't know.

14
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,078
- Will the baby be black or white?
- I don't know, son!

15
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,237
Are you only black
if your dad was black?

16
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,476
Not necessarily, look at your nana.

17
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,353
(GRUNTS)

18
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,390
Mick, Mick,
come and open this door for me.

19
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,999
What's that, Madge? What's that?

20
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,077
- Open the door for me.
- I can't hear you!

21
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,157
- Open the door!
- Do you want something?

22
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,634
Come on.

23
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,515
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Barron,
but I have to inform you...

24
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,234
Ooh, you've failed your driving test.

25
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,431
I don't know what
you're cracking jokes for.

26
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,632
Your 16-year-old daughter
lying pregnant in the next room.

27
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,513
Is Telle gonna have her baby
while we're here in Spain, Dad?

28
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,234
I wouldn't put it past her.
Anything to ruin my holiday.

29
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,716
Yeah, quite an elaborate ploy
to ruin your holiday, Madge,

30
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,071
her getting pregnant.
Hmm, fair amount of planning involved.

31
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:01,114
She'll be crippled if it's a girl.
Always big in our family, the girls.

32
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,519
Twelve pound exactly my Janice was.

33
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,193
Olga, the year before,
were ten pound eight.

34
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,953
She'll never cope with that,
lass her age.

35
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,913
No, she'll never walk again
if it's a girl.

36
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:18,317
Oh, well,
as long as we're not overreacting.

37
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,554
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON TV IN SPANISH)

38
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,236
Er, I was watching that.

39
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,670
What are we doing here, Martin?

40
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,589
We're here to spend some time together,
sort things out.

41
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:44,076
And you thought bringing us here
would help to sort things out?

42
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,679
You must be out of your mind.

43
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,395
<i>Don't be like that.
Just look at the sun.</i>

44
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,352
- Let's enjoy it.
- You enjoy it, Martin.

45
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,552
I'm booking
on the first available flight home.

46
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:04,474
- Gav!
- Oh!

47
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,637
Breakfast finishes in 10 minutes.

48
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,434
One unnecessary move
and I'll projectile vomit in such a way

49
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,551
as to make Linda Blair
look like an amateur.

50
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,432
<i>I never saw that on Give Us a Clue.</i>

51
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,437
Linda Blair, not Lionel Blair!

52
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,829
- You can put that out.
- You what?

53
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,031
I'm not having my unborn grandchild
breathing that in.

54
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,275
Oh, don't talk rubbish.

55
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,951
I've smoked 40 a day since 1953 and
given birth to seven healthy daughters.

56
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,674
Yeah, six of which wouldn't piss on you
if you were on fire.

57
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,758
By Christ, Mick Garvey, you know how
to twist the knife in a mother's back.

58
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,598
Mother?
What kind of mother have you been?

59
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:36,199
There's only Janice still talks to you.

60
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,914
I brought my kids up
the best way I could.

61
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,077
It's up to them
if they don't want to speak to me.

62
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,840
They don't want to speak to you
'cause you're an evil cow.

63
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,271
I'm their mother. I carried
every one of them for nine months.

64
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,313
A mother deserves respect
for that at least.

65
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,913
- Are you all right, Telle?
- What's the smell in here?

66
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,434
Has she still not had a wash? She reeks.

67
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,518
Telle, go and sit down,
I'll get you a drink.

68
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,476
You can pack that in, mother.

69
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,313
- How are you feeling?
- All right.

70
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,276
Why didn't you tell us, love?

71
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,831
Why didn't you tell us?

72
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,469
- I wanted to, but...
- Why do you think?

73
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:27,197
Sixteen years of age. It's disgusting.
I've never heard anything like it.

74
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,357
It's that black lad from the flats,
isn't it?

75
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,278
<i>Right, that's enough. Out.</i>

76
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,040
- You what? What are you doing?
- Come on, outside.

77
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,436
You've not been in the sun
for 10 minutes, you're starting to fade.

78
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,676
I'm not sitting out there on my own.
I don't know anybody.

79
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,757
Probably a good time
for you to make some friends, then.

80
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,679
I'm not talking to
them two queer fellas.

81
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,269
- You all right, love?
- I'm all right.

82
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,869
Right, do you want to go downstairs?

83
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,512
What am I gonna wear?

84
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,229
Well...

85
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,994
TROY: What colour would you say
that little old lady was?

86
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,956
Um, on a Dulux colour chart,
I think you'll find that's burnt sienna.

87
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,356
No, it's darker than that.

88
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,039
Burnt pensioner?

89
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,918
Michael, put that down.
I've told you, I'm not paying for that.

90
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,831
MICHAEL: I want a hot dog.

91
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,269
MICHAEL: Will you get me a lager, mam?

92
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,437
- Come on, love.
- I look a right dick in this.

93
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,998
I'm going back in.

94
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,115
You look fine, come on.

95
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,238
And don't be using that language
while you're pregnant.

96
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,594
Well, you took your time.
Well, here you are.

97
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,314
These nice lads have said
you can have their sun beds.

98
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,794
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, you're all right.

99
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,150
We're off out for the day.
I thought we might check out the beach.

100
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:01,351
There's a beach? Dad, there's a beach.
Can we go to the beach?

101
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,551
Right. Cheers, mate.

102
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,716
Mam, can we go to the beach, please?

103
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,150
See you later, Madge.
Don't stay in the sun too long.

104
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,671
You didn't say there was a beach.
Mam, please can we go to the beach?

105
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,950
What the frig is she wearing?

106
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,640
She looks like that one
from that pop group in the '60s.

107
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:18,955
What was her name?

108
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,276
Fat lass that died
choking on a sandwich.

109
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,390
(LAUGHS)

110
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,036
- Right, I'm off.
- Telle, come back.

111
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,313
Now look what you've done.

112
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,875
Ooh, look, they're having a barbeque.

113
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,352
Mick, Mick. Mick.

114
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,869
- What?
- Mlck, go get us a hot dog or summat.

115
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,478
What are you doing?
I told you, I'm not staying here today.

116
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,558
I know. We could have one drink here,
then we can go and explore.

117
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,433
- We could go to the beach.
- MICHAEL: I want to go to the beach.

118
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:49,959
It's too hot.

119
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,754
<i>Right. Um, sun beds.</i>

120
00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,515
<i>Hola.</i>

121
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,469
Hello.

122
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,558
- God! What are you doing?
- There's no sun beds.

123
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,594
Well, there aren't really any sun beds.
Shall we go?

124
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:13,710
Oh.

125
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:20,358
We may as well stay here now for a bit.
It's too hot to walk anywhere.

126
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,632
Are you feeling okay?
We can get a taxi outside.

127
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,671
I said I'm fine here.

128
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,029
There are two sun beds over there.

129
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,272
DONALD: Martin, Katie.

130
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,473
Over here.

131
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,591
Oh, God!

132
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,150
Has sphincter got an "x" in it?

133
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,239
Hmm, now you're asking. Martin?

134
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,556
- Hmm?
- Has sphincter got an "x" in it?

135
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,270
- Sphincter?
- Mmm.

136
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,990
- Um, an "x"?
- Mmm.

137
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:11,435
Ah, ah, I honestly don't know.

138
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,436
I have never been to London.

139
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:18,799
It is cold, yes?

140
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,752
Yes, fairly cold.

141
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,156
We don't see much of the sun in London.

142
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:28,194
But if the passion of true love lies
burning in your heart,

143
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,799
you don't need the sun.

144
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,752
It's Crawley, actually.

145
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,750
We lived in London for a while,
but we moved for more space.

146
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,712
For children, yes?

147
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,480
No, just more space.

148
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,034
(WATER SPLASHING)

149
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,674
Whoo! Is it hot enough for you?

150
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,674
- Lager please, love.
- Bueno.

151
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,829
Oh, I wouldn't kick that one
out of bed if it crawled in.

152
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,359
Not nice, is it?

153
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,199
How can someone
in that condition possibly smoke?

154
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:02,469
I know.

155
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,031
It's people like that who end up hogging
hospital beds for months on end,

156
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,310
squandering valuable NHS resources.

157
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,717
- You're right.
- Look at the colour of her.

158
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,592
How can someone who chain smokes
stay in the sun that long?

159
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,711
She's a human time bomb.

160
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,478
She's my mother.

161
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,877
<i>- Oh, I'm sorry...
- No, you're alright love.</i>

162
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,718
She's only happy doing three things,

163
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,071
irritating people,
smoking and getting a suntan.

164
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,670
Isn't she worried about the C word?

165
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,318
No, she's been called
far worse than that.

166
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,432
No, I meant cancer.

167
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,231
Oh, you're kidding, no.
She'll outlive the lot of us.

168
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:46,274
No, you take my advice, love, never take
your mother on holiday with you.

169
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,870
Well, my mother's got MS,
so probably not.

170
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,230
I sometimes think I've got that.

171
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,431
- You think you have MS?
- Yeah, sometimes.

172
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:58,349
I read about it in a magazine. A lot of
people think they've got it, don't they?

173
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,791
- Do you mean ME?
- Oh, I don't know.

174
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,317
Which is the one where
you can't be arsed to do owt?

175
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,113
Which one did you say?

176
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,072
I think you mean ME.

177
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,474
ME, MS,
it's all lazy buggers cracking on

178
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,035
there's summat wrong with them,
isn't it?

179
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,152
- I think I'm going to dry off.
- Yeah, laters.

180
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,670
It all depends
on how you handle the experience.

181
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:30,155
I mean, fair play,
it hurts the first time you do it,

182
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:34,160
but after that the body adapts,
doesn't it, Jacqueline?

183
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:35,554
Oh, yes.

184
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,910
Katie, you're all wet.

185
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,758
We were just talking about yoga.

186
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,952
You were thinking about that
at one point, weren't you?

187
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,832
I think we will go for that walk.

188
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,792
If you come up
to our room before dinner,

189
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,639
we'll show you a few positions
if you like.

190
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,229
- No, thank you.
- It's impressive stuff.

191
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:57,036
First time I saw Jacqueline’s
extended triangle, I was lost for words.

192
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,599
What is couscous made from?

193
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,873
Semolina.

194
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,550
- It says here Bob Dylan.
- Wrong page.

195
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,077
- When is Telle going to have her baby?
- I don't know, son.

196
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,714
I know what happens
when you have a baby.

197
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,196
- Go on then, what happens?
- Right, when you have a baby,

198
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,392
you have a baby
and then milk comes out of your tits.

199
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:24,954
(LAUGHING)

200
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,750
- It does, doesn't it nana?
- Yes, darling.

201
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,555
Although the way that girl eats,
it'll probably be gravy that comes out.

202
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,432
Has somebody been up
to see our Chantelle?

203
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,198
What are you mithering for?

204
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,039
How far gone did they say she was,
six months?

205
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,391
Day my waters broke,
I was up a ladder doing me windows.

206
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:45,036
Nobody ran after you then.
Mrs Carr next door just thought

207
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,276
I'd wrung me chamois out
and missed the bucket.

208
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,597
Oh, don't talk rubbish.
Right, I'll go and get her a burger.

209
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,874
It's right up there, I think.

210
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,031
No, hang on, it's left.

211
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,879
- How are you feeling?
- I'm all right.

212
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,832
I brought you something to eat.

213
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,794
They're not that nice,
but you can have as many as you like.

214
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,232
Do you want anything else?

215
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,954
- They've got a telly next door.
- Have they?

216
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,994
Yeah, I heard it on earlier.
How come we haven't got a telly?

217
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,272
If you want a telly,
your dad'll get you a telly.

218
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,759
There you go.

219
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,349
Why don't you come down
when you're ready?

220
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,110
Hiya.

221
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,039
- Out tonight, boys?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.

222
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,118
If you change your minds,
they've got free shots at Bruno's Bar,

223
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,437
or if you fancy it,
I've got Sticky Vlcky on at Rockshots.

224
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,393
- Who's Sticky Vicky?
- Magic act.

225
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,750
You know how most magicians
pull rabbits and what have you

226
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,314
-out of a top hat?
- Yes.

227
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,478
Well, Sticky Vlcky
pulls it all out of her fanny.

228
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,477
- Is that a joke?
- No, see for yourself.

229
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,150
Now then, these two tickets here
will get your first drinks free.

230
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,636
But if I were you, I'd have more
than one drink before you see her.

231
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,717
She's got to be
well into her 60s this year.

232
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,309
Cracking act, though. Out tonight, kids?

233
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,670
- That's got to be a joke.
- I'm gonna be sick.

234
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,269
It looked a lot closer on the map.

235
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:57,479
"Not content with being frozen in ice
and buried alive,

236
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,798
"modern-day Houdini David Blaine
recently tried

237
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:06,118
"to break the world record
for holding his breath underwater."

238
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,275
Fancy.

239
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,996
Do you want another drink, son?

240
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,997
Read that last bit again.

241
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,232
"Not content
with being frozen in ice..."

242
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,910
They've got sea lions
that play musical instruments

243
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,873
and an elephant
that can stand on it's head.

244
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,832
Do they have chairs?

245
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,191
- Sorry?
- Do they have chairs to sit on?

246
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,035
<i>Sorry, we should have taken a taxi.</i>

247
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,079
Oh, well, I bet the sun
isn't shining like this at home.

248
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,876
Another day in paradise.

249
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,035
Hi.

250
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,755
<i>How's your little girl?
Hope you don't mind me asking?</i>

251
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,713
No, no, she's all right, thanks.
She's just taking it easy.

252
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,638
Yes, yes, quite right.

253
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,870
Will you be down Neptune's later?

254
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,959
It'll be a good one,
it's Mal Jolson tonight.

255
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,311
- Mal Jolson?
- Tribute to the South.

256
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:16,669
(LAUGHS)

257
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,120
Ah, yes, great act.

258
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,880
Personal friend of ours,
known him for years.

259
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,277
He's very big on the Costas.
Blanca, Brava.

260
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,355
Quite big in other places, too,
if you know what I'm saying.

261
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:37,799
He's a big lad, all right. Mmm.

262
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,312
Big old boy, he is.

263
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,389
Big, big lad.

264
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:55,635
Yep.

265
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,078
Big old penis.

266
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,316
Oh, yeah. wife can't get enough of him.

267
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,312
Do you mean you let him shag your wife?
Is that what you mean?

268
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,512
Well, when you've got
prime steak indoors,

269
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,871
why let your friends
eat burgers out in the cold?

270
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,195
Hello.

271
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,760
I don't think my mates are that hungry.

272
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,675
Oops.

273
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,677
<i>Oh erm...</i>

274
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,793
- How did I do?
- One minute 10.

275
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,272
- What was the record again?
- Nine minutes.

276
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,519
Maybe you shouldn't have had that pizza.

277
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,555
Five hours. Five hours lost
in a Spanish animal park.

278
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,672
I'm sorry.
I had no idea the place was so big.

279
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,473
Come on, let's get a taxi back.

280
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,036
No, you don't. I need at least one drink
before I can face that place again.

281
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,949
Well, hang on, let's have a drink here.
This place looks all right.

282
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,435
At least away
from that vile, disgusting place,

283
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,791
I know this holiday
can't possibly get any worse.

284
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,117
# He's got the whole world in his hands

285
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,153
# He's got the whole world in his hands

286
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,233
# He's got the whole world in his hands

287
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,193
# He's got the whole world in his hands

288
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,392
# He's got my brothers and my sisters
in his hands

289
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,313
# He's got my brothers and my sisters
in his hands

290
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,398
# He's got my brothers and my sisters
in his hands

291
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,353
# He's got the whole world
in his hands #

292
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,395
You all right, darling?

293
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,399
Let me know if you want anything else,
you're eating for two now.

294
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,079
No change there.

295
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,634
- You know what I like about you, nana?
- What?

296
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,159
Nothing.

297
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,429
Where have you been?

298
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,073
Come on, you lot,
get that down your necks.

299
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,635
After this,
we're all going back to the apartment.

300
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,512
I am not going back there yet.

301
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:27,111
Because we're going to have
a night in in front of

302
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,719
the telly!

303
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,797
We've got a telly?
Dad, have we got a telly?

304
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,230
We certainly have, son.

305
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,397
Mam, we've got a telly.

306
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,678
No, it's not a joke.

307
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,314
We first heard about Sticky Vicky
in the late '80s,

308
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,080
but I don't think she was a young girl
when we heard about her.

309
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,510
I'd have thought she'd retired by now.

310
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,870
She's well into her 60s, apparently.

311
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,195
Perfect age.

312
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:53,553
All this rubbish about a woman being
at her sexual peak in her 40s,

313
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,910
try telling my Jacqueline that.

314
00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,720
Mind you, pulling a bunch of flowers
out of the old dead-end street

315
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,195
twice a night
must make her a wee bit baggy.

316
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,960
I don't think I'd be much use to her.

317
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,790
But I know a man who would.

318
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,550
# ...the whole world in his hands

319
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,240
#Oh,yeah#

320
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,516
I'm sorry.
I was just as offended as you.

321
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,313
I didn't know where to look.
I'm so sorry.

322
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,158
Don't touch me.

323
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,272
Not only have you brought me on
the most disgusting holiday from hell,

324
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,994
I now, thanks to you,
have to live with the indelible image

325
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,353
of a 60-year-old woman standing naked
with one leg on a chair

326
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:41,110
whilst pulling the flags of all nations
out of her vagina!

327
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,599
(COUGHING)

328
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,671
How long was that?
That must have been longer.

329
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,912
You forgot to press start again,
didn't you?

330
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,235
I'm sorry, son.

331
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,391
- Do you want some crisps, mam?
- No, I'm all right, love.

332
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,557
Do you want some crisps?

333
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,353
- Okay, you ready, you lot, yeah?
- Yeah.

334
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,278
- Are you ready? Turning it on.
- Here we go.

335
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,676
<i>Right. okay. Here we go.</i>

336
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,189
(THEME MUSIC FROM THE BILL
PLAYING ON TV)

337
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,113
Are you happy now?

338
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,435
<i>(TV TURNS OFF)</i>

339
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,551
- Oh!
- You're joking.

340
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,115
- God.
- Come on.

341
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,440
Typical! He's broken it already.

342
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,312
Well, don't think
I'm gonna pay for that.

343
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,033
Hang on a minute, what's this?

344
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,800
It's a meter.
They've got a bloody coin meter on it!

345
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,480
Kate, please, will you just talk to me?

346
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,632
What more can I say?
I've said I'm sorry.

347
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,071
Oh, you're sorry, you're sorry.
You're always sorry.

348
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,836
- Kate, are you all right?
- Where's the television?

349
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,233
Do you fancy a game of rummy?

350
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:17,833
"1 euro, 30 minutes." All-inclusive?
The robbing Spanish bastards.

351
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,839
- Mam, have you got any change?
- You can frig off.

352
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,758
I'm off back to watch Al Jolson.

353
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,269
MICHAEL: But I wanna watch telly.

354
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,998
I mean, I only knew her
when she was a man. That's the thing.

355
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,918
So I threw the money
on the bed and I said,

356
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,714
"That's the last time
I go to Pontefract."

356
00:21:47,305 --> 00:21:53,885
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